MY THOUGHTS, MY PASSIONS, MY INSPIRATIONS

sanctuary

2012-01-26T23:32:00.003+08:00

I love this picture.

This is my sanctuary. :)

Love heaps,
Candice

be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

2012-01-24T19:42:00.005+08:00

It's Chinese New Year again. :) Before the ang paus, and yearly family gambling-bonding, there was.. SPRING CLEANING. :) Well I'll be honest and say I don't like cleaning very much but it was a pretty good experience. It's nice seeing the house so clean now, and feeling proud of the work we all did together. Life's a climb, but the view is great eh? :) I think what was perhaps the most humbling experience this time, was sorting out all my dad's old bills and letters, up to from 3 years ago I think, CRAZY STUFF. Still, as I sat there and sorted and rearranged, I realized how much responsibilities and bills come with growing up, there are water bills, phone bills, uni fees.. Seemed never ending. I felt so.. humbled, so in awe, realizing how much effort my dad has to put in to keep me in university, and my family in our house. And he never complains about that.

And so I think about him, who has so much to worry about but can still find time to spend with his family, and can still laugh and play with us, and even so generously buy me new shoeS for Chinese New Year ( :P ).. and then I think about me, who has been going through just minor life stuff, yet I've been moping and hoping people would be extra nice and kind to me that I might get through this season of my life. Hence I am reminded.. to be kind, because everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. The world doesn't revolve around me, and I've been so caught up with my own emotions that I have simply forgot that there are others around me hurting or struggling too. And for all I know they've already been accommodating me despite their own worries.

And just as I cleaned out my daddy's bills, I cleaned out some drawers in my life too. I realized as I looked back on so many different memories, that that is not who I am anymore. I'm not in high school anymore, fighting to prove myself through activities and studies. I'm not living my fairy tale college life anymore where I got to hang out with my friends everyday, had the various avenues to serve others and feel so joyful, and when it was easier to do well academically with last minute and less in depth studying. You know what, I'm not even the girl who's going to study overseas for the first time, I've already done that and gained new experience. I'm heading back to Melbourne in less than a month wiser, older, with memories of that place, and a different but still existent sense of home there. And though I'm scared, I know, I'm not that girl anymore. That's not my life anymore. My life is here, my life is now.

I realize that I often try to neatly package and describe myself, because I don't like not understanding me, or maybe, more so, I don't like it when I'm not the person I want to be. I don't like it when I fall short of my standards for myself. But once again, before an empty page, I question.. who do I want to be? More importantly, who am I and who will I be? Truth is.. I don't know. This I do, I know what I don't want to be. When I woke up yesterday morning on cho yat, I was feeling wayy grumpy. I didn't want to smile or greet relatives or give in to little things, I wanted to be grumpy and have everyone understand. My sister came into my room soon after and helped me out with my hair I think, and she reminded me that 'It's a choice', with a tone that somehow implied I said that to her once before.

And then I felt even more eeyurgh for a bit, why is it so difficult to always make the right decisions in life? Why can't I just be perfect and then stop having to keep pushing myself to be someone I would accept? Why does this battle against my will never seem to end?

.. I recently turned 18. In some if not most places, that's considered an adult. You know how when you're kids and you make mistakes, your parents apologize for you or forgive you, because you're young, and it's okay to make mistakes when you're young and didn't know any better. Well, I'm old enough now. I'm old enough to know how to help out with chores at home even if I don't feel like it, old enough to take the center seat in the car even if nobody wants it, old enough to know not to fight back, old enough to control my own emotions so that it will not blind me to the needs of others. Somewhere along the way I grew up, and I think now more than ever, I need to keep those standards upon myself. Even if I don't feel like it, especially then. Right now I'm old enough to be the one that makes sure I never become someone I don't like or never wanted to be.

At some point, you just have to tell yourself, enough is enough. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm not gonna let anything rob me of living life to the fullest anymore. I'm not gonna let my circumstances rob me from being a blessing to someone else's life.

Oh and about worrying for finances, my answer came from my dad himself a couple of days even before I sorted through the bills. He told me that money came from God and when the money ran out, God would replenish it. :) I stood there blown away by his answer, knowing it was exactly what I needed to do - trust both my daddies, especially Big Daddy. God promised to bring me through this didn't He? And so He shall. :) I know that in that discussion between me and my dad, we were talking about different faiths, but still I was pretty darn amazed and convinced with his heartfelt answer. Thank You God, for such a timely answer from an unlikely source. :)

Speaking of finances, me, my dad and my sisters began gambling again. I do it for the fun of it, and well, money isn't a big deal between us in the house anyways, we always help one another out if we're tight so for me it doesn't matter if I lose or win. Today as I sat in the 'lucky' seat, I won a bit more. :P I didn't like the feeling of winning so much though, I hated to see that it was at the expense of my dad having to take out more money or my sister being broker than before. Gambling.. haha another small thing that seems to make me wonder again who I really am, and what kind of person that is. Perhaps I think and feel too much.

Still, when all is said and done, I thank You Lord for Your blessings, they are too numerous to count, and I am so sorry that I've kept my eyes on the things I have lost, or never had although I prayed hard for them. So much so, that I forgot to see the life You've laid out for me, that I forgot to keep believing for the even greater I know is out there in my future. Teach me to trust in You again Pops, and I pray that You also teach me to learn to keep coming back to You every time I walk away. I need You Pops, and I know that to keep steadily on Your road for my life is the ONLY thing that will make me who we both want me to be. Help me to keep on this difficult journey Lord, to not make any mistakes I will regret but to always live life with risk, unafraid, sold out to Your cause. Oh how I love You. Help me be strong Daddy, stronger than before, strong enough to alter the emotions within me by refusing to feed to self-pity any longer. Let my life be for You and for others Lord. I need You, oh how I need You now.

Okay this post can't get any messier. I'll stop here. Have a blessed Chinese New Year dear reader! :) Love heaps. :)

hard work

2012-01-21T14:22:00.001+08:00

It feels good to be sweating after hard work again. It makes me feel really.. alive. :)

heartbeat

2012-01-16T13:32:00.004+08:00

here are some things that made my heart have a delayed beat lately, in no particular order. :)

1. Yesterday I was at YC, and during the altar call, I suddenly felt this fresh perspective wash over me as I saw people getting prayed for in the front. For what could be the first time, I really saw the overwhelming potential in that place, the magnitude of dreams. I felt so strongly that most of these young people were waiting for that turning point in their lives if they haven't already had it, the moment they realize God's call over their lives and have it changed forever. And I was so blown away really, by how all of us put together when fueled by passion could truly change the world for the better, from the very moment each one of them are ignited.

2. When the bunch of us were in Kelantan recently, we stopped to buy some keropok in this shop where Ivan remembered the owner. And he encouraged us to talk to the owner to just hear about his life and how to make keropok. So we all stood there listening to the uncle show us how to slice the meat thingy, and listened as he gave us life advice on picking the right partner, not drinking, not car-racing, and not smoking. :) There was something about that experience that made me really happy, just being able to talk with a stranger in a small town, the closeness of calling someone 'uncle' upon meeting, realizing how we each have our different paths to walk and seeing the beauty of his and his wife's simple lifestyle. Listening to them talk about their daughter, and trip to US to see her, how they couldn't finish one portion of food cause it was so big.. Hahaha, I just loved it la. :) Kind strangers that end up friends will always make my day. :)

While those were the two biggest ones, lots of things and people have been making me happy lately, so I really do feel very blessed. Thank You Daddy. :) And I think, for the stuff I've been struggling with that I mentioned in previous posts.. I've finally found my peace for it. In beautiful moments, I have realized that God still has a beautiful plan for my life, perhaps one different to what I expected, but still.. Breathtaking. :) And like we sang yesterday, "I believe I believe", this year I want to really believe, in His destiny for me filled with goodness, love, peace, joy.. No more self-pity, just.. looking forward with hope. :)

Love,
Candice

the only thing constant in life is change

2012-01-08T00:09:00.004+08:00

I've been writing a lot of drafts lately, but these particular thoughts have stuck with me so much that I realized I just had to type it out.

I remember writing about how Melbourne was beginning to feel like home already. But coming back now, I'm starting to remember EVERYTHING I loved, LOVE, about this place. I'm starting to remember the funny memories and touching moments that I thought I would never forget. I'm starting to remember the different food places I used to love and the feeling of serving other people in ways I only can here. And I'm starting to realize how much I deeply miss it all.

It's strange, this walk down memory lane I've been taking. I've been reminiscing a lot lately, for no particular reason. Today I remembered the bee incident some of us went through in 2010 - read the full scoop here - [http://sweetsandpassionfruits.blogspot.com/2010/04/of-trauma-and-pai-seh.html]! :P Today I found the water bottle I sweet-talked my way into getting from the Revive roadshow in college, the one Genie climbed into the longkang to help me retrieve. I walked past the drinks section as I shopped with Pops for Chinese New Year drinks and passed the Justea packets, wondering at what point I forgot that it was the drink I always ordered in coffee shops. Even now, as I am eating some jambu air(s), I am so surprised that I forgot it was my favourite fruit at one point of my life. And I know this may seem like small things, I gotta admit, I do feel like I have been somewhat like a drama queen lately, but still, these small things add up to be of great importance to me. Moreover these are just SOME of the things I've begun to remember.

Sometimes it seems like it'd be better to just forget. To let go of the things that made me happy once, so that I wouldn't miss them when I'm gone. It would definitely easier to move on, to just forget the memories, stories from my past that made me smile, laugh, cry... Maybe what I should do is to just live in the moment, feel whatever it is I currently feel and nothing more. I know I'm being very complex and messy, but please, just bear with me.

But then I thought, at the end of my life, what will I have if not just stories anyways? When I'm 80 and gray, those stories may be the only things I can pass on to my grandchildren. Stories of life, love, loss, passion and dreams. I guess what I'm attempting to convey is that I don't want to be afraid to remember, I refuse to look back and be sad that I'm not still there. I will keep moving forward and looking forward, but when the moments come where I steal a backward glance, I will choose to be joyful for the moments I did have, the time in which God gave me to share in the lives of others.

Help me to ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember what an honour it is to have good memories Lord, and what a blessing it is to have been somebody in other people's lives sometime ago, that every soul I got to spend even a moment with is .. nothing short of Your grace upon my life. Teach me Lord to say my goodbyes with peace, to be unafraid to make new memories although they eventually all just.. become stories. Mold me Lord, even if it hurts, and give me the courage Daddy I pray, to still praise You in my storms, when my days aren't filled with joy. I need You now so much Daddy, and as much as it scares me to say this, I will trust You, come hell or high water.

A sigh of relief. It feels good getting this of my chest. Thank You. :)

reunited

2012-01-05T00:03:00.007+08:00

The past few days haven't exactly been easy on me. I would actually say that I started the year off rocky, unsure, unconfident, but a lesson I learnt is that people.. won't always disappoint you. Sometimes you just gotta let them love you, be it having them say it out loud, with a hug, or just being exactly who they are to remind you that you still belong. I thank God for CAR ParK, the crazy five year ride we have had already, moving on to the sixth one! Our relationship is as complicated as.. my bedsheet, one most people cannot understand, one even I cannot accept even sometimes. But even when we don't speak for so long, even when bitterness builds up, even when we face things seemingly alone, there's somehow always a lot of joy and acceptance and forgiveness and LOVE in our reunion events. I don't know what else to say, except that.. I love these girls to bits. Girls who have shaped so much of me, who make me feel like I actually belong somewhere when so often I do feel like a lone ranger. Girls who despite flaws, still manage to stand strong and live life even in the CRAZIEST and toughest of situations. Not to mention, girls who have probably seen me cry the most, heard the worst, and yet still love me for me. I truly thank God for you bunch today, and I mean it when I say that I am so proud of each one of you. :)

I cannot believe we don't have a single NICE group picture. -.-

Other than that, today I lo-sanged with some G8 peeps for the third time! GAWSH, beginning of our third year as friends. It makes me feel so old la, talking about friends in terms of years already, crazy stuff. Today we crashed IMU, and tried to sit in on a lecture (lecturer bailed.. -.-''), and it was.. enjoyable. :) Like I said, with the stuff I've been dealing with, it ain't easy to just be happy in spite of it all. But perhaps that IS what it means to overcome, to not let the enemy steal my joy. I did really genuinely enjoy myself today and I'm just.. really blessed to have this crazy bunch to always cheer me up when my spirits are down.

Lately I've found that in my weakest moments, I have obtained the most joy, or bounced back to joy the fastest and genuinest when I got back to serving. When I start speaking to people again, ministering, loving. Today, I felt it again, I loved the honour of being able to listen. But I truly thank You Daddy for the people that have been hearing me blabber on and on also, for the people that allowed me to borrow their strength in this time of need, and dusted me off and set me straight again. Ah, I feel so so blessed now, despite still a bit broken, but blessed beyond measure. :)

I know this is a pretty random, messy post, but I really am too lazy to re-read and edit this.. so yea. :D Let me just end with this.

So, 2012.. it's gonna be a God year for me. I'm not gonna search or hunt, and as Manda already covered me in prayer about this, this year, really is about the biggest man in my life and no other boys. Hahaha. It's gonna be tough, but I believe God's preparing me for better. This year though, He wants just for Himself. :) I'm excited.. scared, but excited. Do Your thing Pops, and make me beautiful! <3

P.S: You may remember me talking about my perspectives of 'home' a few posts back. Today I realized that Malaysia has its own little charm that Aus will never have, and the people here will always have that special irreplaceable place in my heart.

P.P.S: "Pain is God's megaphone which He uses to rouse a deaf world." - C.S Lewis

With joy, unspeakable joy,
Dice :)

how kids spell love : T-I-M-E

2012-01-01T23:37:00.002+08:00

At the end of the day, the most precious gift in friendship you can offer is simply being there. Thank you Rach, it meant so much to me. :)

what happened to that fighting spirit of yours?

2011-12-25T19:44:00.004+08:00

A friend asked me that yesterday. Sure we were talking about running, and stamina, but I felt the question spoke to me on a whole other level too.

What happened to that fighting spirit of yours dice?

I think for a couple weeks now I've been just moping around, glum, disappointed with much, upset, lonely, just --------. I feel like my heart's been really tired of being faithful, of continually believing for breakthroughs but watching none come to pass. Is it me? What's wrong with me now? It seems that with every time I am forced to face my shortcomings, I retract and just.. mope. What happened dice?

This image has been really speaking to me. I never want to be hard, but it seems like that's all I've been recently. Hard. Bitter. Numb. This period of waiting, of unanswered prayers has just been too tough on me, forcing me to wonder if being faithful isn't the right thing to do now.

But then I remember that one answered prayer. Earlier this year, I've had encounters with God that were supernatural but I just didn't understand the why bit. Like the uncontrollable shaking, at Planetshakers Conference mid this year. And I prayed and prayed for a word to be spoken over my life, for God to help me make sense of it all. I only got my answer, or realized I got more than what I expected months later. Turns out, this year, I've had more prophetic words spoken over my life than ever before. God is good.

Not only that, my sister finished her thesis with an awesome big bang, a miracle of a project. I have friends who got jobs this year, who made it through tough times, who had miracles happen in their lives. Please Candice, let this remind you that God is still working. And the God that handcrafted those miracles are setting yours in motion. Don't give up now.

I think, that at the same time, God's testing the extent of my faith. Is my faith simply a bargaining tool for miracles? Or am I faithful because I love Him? Therefore I choose now, to keep being faithful, in pain, in trials, in desperation. Because I love my Daddy, and because I can't go on without His strength rooting me on.

I know though, the cause of my eeyurghness lately. It's from my lack of alone time with God. I've been through this time and time enough to know that I have withdrawal symptoms from Him. C'mon girl, get your life in order again!

So no, I can't let that fighting spirit die. Not even if I have to fight like hell to keep that fighting spirit alive.

I cannot let myself be defined by the voices of those around me. I cannot afford to.
My only identity should come from the voice of God, telling me I am precious, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am loved.

I cannot let myself become someone I don't like. Someone who's hurt me before, who has the potential to hurt others. I cannot afford to.

I cannot run from my problems, I need to find the courage to face them, and start dealing with it from the bottom.

I cannot keep believing the lies intended to bring me down.

I cannot break down, and I won't.

I will fight.

And dear reader, I hope you do too.

"Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air."
- 1 Corinthians 9:26

Blessings,
Candice

courageous

2011-12-19T22:54:00.004+08:00

I watched courageous today, and man, it was SO GOOD! such a beautifully done movie, definitely a great watch. I loved watching the faith of men in this show, a pure passion for God so rare amongst men, or in this show, fathers. There were so many amazing things I learnt from the movie, but I guess the most timely and important one was from this.

"Pastor: Well, you can be angry with God at the time you didn't get with her, or be grateful for the 9 years you did have with Emily."

I immediately thought of my results, and how upon knowing I made it through this year onto the next, my first reaction was still to be angry at God for the even better grades I did not receive.

Pop, I'm so sorry I got angry at You, and I see now that it was already such a blessing that You have brought me thus far. I will choose to believe that You're preparing my heart for even greater by starting me off with the small ones. I will be faithful in these, I promise. Thank You for being so kind Daddy, for not turning away even when I said hurtful things, for holding me through this year although so often, I didn't deserve it. No, I don't deserve a God like You. So graciously, thank You Pops, I love You heaps. :)

I've had a friend tell me once that she wanted to keep her twilight book collection for her children, something to pass along to them. Admittedly, we all have these things we want to share with our future loved ones. So, for the future guy in my life, wherever you are now, know that it's this movie! :P

Feeling better,
Candice :)

with what little remains

2011-12-19T00:30:00.006+08:00

I'm tired. The past few days have been.. challenging for me, due to many different reasons. So, this is gonna be a messy post, be warned.

You know I spent a large part of this year believing. Really believing for the miracles I wanted (still want) to see in my life, and in the lives of those I love. And for this last thing this year, I really believed for it, I felt so led to, felt so strongly God would pull me through with a big bang. To be painfully honest here, as I looked at my results this time around, I felt so stumped, so angry, so.. betrayed. Lord I spent all year waiting on You, and I felt You promise me this. Sure enough, I passed the year and will be moving on to second year, but I expected so much more. A friend reminded me though, to be thankful for what God did give me, that to even make it through is a blessing enough. So I guess, one of the things I struggle with now is, where do I draw the line between believing for even greater, and being thankful for the hand I've been dealt? By all means I know that if I didn't put enough effort in, I shouldn't even expect so much. But I did try, and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. But now, I really hope that as I pick myself up from this crazy mess of emotions and thoughts, that I can be motivated to try even harder next year and not let this make me give up.

There are so many thoughts in my head now that I know are not of God, thoughts like "my prayers have no power" and "if I really am called to do this, then why am I not excelling in this?". There are angry thoughts towards Him too, such as me wondering why He isn't providing for me in other ways instead of having my father have to work so tirelessly to put me through med school. Why why why? Why have I been forsaken Daddy? .. I feel so beat down, like all the weight of my unanswered prayers are crushing down on me right now, all the disappointments from this year. But I know, the thing is I KNOW, that God's answers for my prayers are either 'not yet' or 'not this, I've got better for you'. And once more I know I have to fight these thoughts and hang on for all I have left to God and trust Him with my future. Once more I have to make myself fall back to the truths I know from experience and not let my emotions of the moment take me over. I need to believe I haven't been forsaken, that even in such a lousy situation as this, God has something to teach me. Even as I struggle to find my footing, He's holding me close.

I remember being at the airport yesterday night still feeling quite crappy, and watching a man push his son on a wheelchair. Sometimes, we all get really crappy circumstances in life, but really what defines our character is how we respond to them. What do you do when there is something that can be done? Candice, what will YOU do?

Recently, someone whose opinion does matter to me implied that I never think about what I do, that some of the things I do like getting my family to fetch me around, be it for a good reason, is in fact selfish. And thinking about the mission trip I applied for next year without really weighing the costs, I wonder now if I did the right thing. If I ever did the right thing. See I have my pocketful of dreams, dreams closer than I thought they would be, and when the opportunity arose, I grabbed it, ignoring much else. And now, with expensive fees, and the voice of that person in my head, I wonder if I was indeed too rash, too selfish in wanting to see my dreams come true too soon. Especially not being in a place of excellence academically now either, I can't even say I deserve this. I've always believed for the money to come from somewhere, for God to provide miraculously as I've heard in countless testimonies, but now that my parents have decided to subsidise me, I see that they are the ones that have to bear the weight of my desires - for this, and even med school. I hate being such a burden, and having to look in the mirror and perhaps see nothing but a selfish brat looking back at me. What if.. all the choices I have made up to this point have been the wrong ones? What if I'm not the good person I thought I was? What if? But more importantly, what do I do now? For the life of me, I have no idea whatsoever.

To sum things up, I believe that that voice came at a tragically 'perfect' timing. A last blow to crush my spirits completely after being already so disappointed with myself and with God. I've more than often chosen to give things up to God without thorough thinking, because I did not want to let rationalization hold me back from giving my absolute best. But standing there that day, already so hurt from a promise that didn't come to pass as I expected, even as I was hoping, praying for God to honour me back and give me back a double portion of what I have sowed into His kingdom, I felt completely blown away. I felt more discouraged than I've ever felt I think, and suddenly so unsure of the person I've built myself to be. And up till now, I haven't had the chance to think all this out, to be free to express the emotions I hold inside.

In all that discouragement, I've felt so unmotivated to be cheerful, to hold others up when I can barely keep myself together, to be nice when I need people to be nice to me instead. But, today in church, my eyes filled with tears as one of my favourite quotes came to mind.

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”
- C.S Lewis

I was also reminded in church today that to love God for what He can do for us is a shallow love, that the highest degree of love is loving simply because we know His heart enough. So, even from an exhausted spirit, God I pray that You will help me still be faithful. That we will get through this together. I pray God for an obedient heart that will run even further now, and never give up. I will not stop believing for greater Lord, and though I fall, I pray for the strength to pull myself together again and keep shining for You once more. Give me strength for just one more day Lord I pray.

And so I guess, I'm ending this year struggling also. Fighting the emotions demanding to be heard, fighting the harsh voices speaking at me unknowing of the pain they bring. But the quiet victory in my heart declares that it's not over yet, that I still can do better in life, academically, in the choices I make, in the person I am. God I need You more than ever. I said this on facebook just a short while ago, but I'll say it again.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. Even if your eyes are wet. Even if your heart is broken.

And the truth that I need to declare right now is this - The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thank you dear reader for reading this. I needed to let this out, and I'm sorry if it was a messy post, I'm sorry if it confused you or offended anyone. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how alone I may feel in this world, I never am. Thank you for taking time to read what may perhaps be a post too close to my heart for such disclosure.

I'm tired, so I'll stop here. Good night, and God bless.

disappointed

2011-12-16T14:55:00.004+08:00

.. but then I remember Pastor Russell's tear-stained face as he announced Sean Bergin's passing, and what he said - "It's our job to believe, and God's job to do whatever He wants."

Teach me Lord to still trust in You I pray.

"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much."
- Luke 16:10

good stuff

2011-12-15T16:00:00.000+08:00

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”
- T.E Lawrence

unspoken

2011-12-14T22:31:00.004+08:00

i had this urge to blog today. but i don't have anything in particular to say, so i'm gonna let the words of others speak for me. :)

"Thank You for Your kindness
Thank You for Your mercy
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the price You paid

Thank You for salvation
Thank You for unending grace
Thank You for Your hope
Thank You for this life You gave

Thank You for Your promise
Thank You for Your favor
And thank You for Your love
And everything You've done for me"
- Thank You, by Hillsong

"Some folks has a lot of things around them that shines for other peoples. I think that maybe some of them was in tunnels. And in that tunnel, the only light they had, was inside of them. And then long after they escape that tunnel, they sitll be shining for everybody else. "
- Clareece 'Precious' Jones, in Precious

"Who could imagine a melody
True enough to tell of Your mercy?
Who could imagine a harmony
Sweet enough to tell of Your love?
I see the heavens proclaiming day after day,
And I know in my heart that there must be a way

To sing a greater song,
A greater song to You on the earth.
To sing a greater song,
A greater song to You on the earth.

Who could imagine a symphony,
Grand enough to tell of Your glory?
Our highest praise but a feeble breath
A whisper of Your thunderous worth.

I see the heavens proclaiming day after day,
And I know in my heart that there must be a way"
- A Greater Song, by Matt Redman

"Never let anything or anyone make you become someone you don't like."
- Anonymous

"The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you"
- Till I See You, by Hillsong United

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
- Matthew 5:16

"Refine me Lord through the flames"
- Desert Song, by Hillsong

"Don't give up on anything that you cannot go a day without thinking about."
- Signboard in QV

xx! :)

perspectives of home

2011-12-13T16:10:00.000+08:00

As my sister's friend asked me "do you plan on going back home to work next time?", I hesitated. It was a short one but she noticed and all-knowingly said that if you had asked me that a few months ago my answer would be a certain yes. Thinking it through, my answer is still yes, I still do wanna go home and serve my fellow country people, where my services may just be more needed although perhaps less appreciated. And while that glimmer of uncertainty was due to a desire to work elsewhere still, it got me thinking - where is home for me now?

My sister always says that malaysia is home for us just cause our family's there. Somewhere sometime this year, australia became a new home for me, a sanctuary even, not yet adding into consideration family back home. By all means malaysia is still home for me in many ways, I look forward to going back to our house and spending more family time, meeting my friends and hhaving good food and great fellowship.

As we came back from new zealand this morning, I caught myself thinking, it's good to be home. And I realized the strange-ness of that thought. No candice, you're supposed to be passionately tied to malaysia. But I know why the shift, it's because, as foretold by my eldest sister then, this is the time where I'm really discovering who I am and who I want to be. And everything that contributed to that will always have a special place in my heart. I've said this a lot already, but truly, I grew as an individual this year more than ever. I started becoming more confident with who I am as a person, and trying to be more like God in the most painful of circumstances. I see the difference in me, the leap I have taken. I see the the beautiful people here that have worked together to mold me, and refine me.

So yea. To say that my feelings and thoughts of home have changed will probably be and understatement, but at the same time not entirely true either. All I know is that one day, when God calls me to leave here, it will probably be the hardest thing I ever had to do.

But send me Lord. Oh would You send me I pray.

And all the time as I was changing here, I forgot to remember that the people I love back homre are changing too. I think that for a moment there I was caught in a delusion that the world stopped for me,that everything at home existed simply to await my return. Silly girl. It's kinda surreal really, seeing the paths that my friend's lives are taking, seeing the world I no longer truly belong too but is not a stranger to either.

As I type this on my train ride back to the city, listening to 'till I see You' on my ipod, I know that this is one of the things I will most miss. My train rides with God, and my thoughts. My own sort of sanctuary, from the craziness of this world. Here my world is quiet, here, my world is at peace. Here I remember my purpose, my call, my destiny.

I am still really excited to go home, to see the faces I have missed dearly. But as I return to the same circumstances, the same environment, it'll be time to see if I have really changed or not. It'll be time for me to be tempted and tested, and prayerfully, a time of victory. I trust You Daddy, thank You for taking me on one unbelievable year. I'm believing for more Pops! :)

Just raw thoughts and emotions,
Candice

dreamer

2011-11-20T19:53:00.003+08:00

"I sense that in your past, you've been called a dreamer."

A leader told me that at DNA encounter as she prayed for me and to summarize it all, she wanted me to know that the godly dreams I have, that I've always had, can in fact come true despite what others say. :) and that's awesome, and very meaningful to me. hahah, I didn't intend to share this at first, but as I placed my hands on the keyboard, that sentence resonated in my mind. i remembered the times people have smirked at the dreams I had (and still have) a couple years ago. I remember them agreeing with me, with more than a hint of doubt and cynicism. i remember the voices telling me not to as well. but that day, I was reminded that the greatest power and the strongest voice.. was on my side, encouraging me to acheive those dreams He put in my heart. Thanks God. and so I choose, to listen to the voice of truth. :)

Lately, I've been observing the people around me, especially in church.

I saw an old couple in honest embrace, both with their eyes red and raw with tears. I overheard the lady telling her husband about what happened at DNA encounter as she was shredding the paper with her sins written on them, as people laid hands on her there. I heard him respond with eagerness and love.
My eyes filled with tears at the beauty of their godly relationship, the love that was strengthened by putting their love for God first, and the powerful faith they had. I turned away with a little smile on my face as I wiped the tears away.

I saw a daughter hugging her mother at DNA encounter too, as her mother could not stop crying from the prayer spoken over her life, moved by the Holy Spirit. I saw the mother purposely get out of her seat despite the inconvenience to hug her husband after he was prayed for as he made his way back to his seat.

I saw a man, buff, brawn and intimidating, raise his hand to receive Jesus today. I'd have believed you if you told me he was a mob boss or something. Proof to me that no one is too big or too hard to be moved by God.

I walked a little girl down to the altar today because she was fearful of going alone. A complete honour that I would not have had if I wasn't serving as guest services today. Thank You Lord for reminding me how amazing an honour it is to serve You and Your people.

I heard Pastor Neil talk about his daughter and the love he had for her today. And how he likened that to the love of God, except that the latter was a millionfold deeper. Again, I was so moved by this that my tears overwhelmed me for a moment, before I wiped my eyes, fixed my shirt and got back to serving people.

I don't know what compelled me to write all these down, but one thing I know is this, I will NEVER get bored of watching God make people so so beautiful. I will never lose joy in watching Him move the hardest of hearts, the biggest of mountains. and I will keep reminding myself to never forget what an immense honour that is.

Be blessed dear reader, and in moments of discouragement, just look around even harder. God is everywhere. :)

Love,
candice

eighteen

2011-11-16T19:20:00.006+08:00

you know that feeling you get after a night session in church, especially at camp? one that is full of tears pouring down your cheeks? the feeling you get after that, just the quiet peace, the calm after the storm of raging emotions, the joy in being worn out and molded through tears? i love it man. not in a masochistic way, but in a totally amazed at the beauty in being broken for God. and to experience that today.. can't imagine a better way to spend my eighteenth birthday. :)

Take me deeper, than I've been before,
Take me further, God I long for more,
Take me higher, than I've been before,
Jesus I want more,
Jesus I need more,
More of You,
More of You, Jesus,
More of You,
I need more of You.

- Deeper by Planetshakers

i didn't expect much from this year's birthday, and really did want it to just slide by. but i truly do thank all the lovely awesome people who didn't let me just do that, and i'm grateful for that now, people who said no, we're gonna celebrate this, even if it's by doing just the simplest things. xoxoxoxoxoox :) to luth and the gang, thank you guys SO MUCH :D and to my fantawesome urbs, you guys are really a blessing I could not have imagined I deserved. :P and to the amazing sister and sam, thanks for helping me move and just being so helpful all the time in my life, and great role models. :) and to everyone else that remembered to wish me, i appreciate it heaps! :) love you all tonnes. :)

but even with all the lovely surprises and gifts that I adore, hahah thanks guys, again, :P, tonight has to be the highlight I guess. I remember after my last birthday, there was this HUMONGOUS rainbow in the sky just awaiting, and I knew it was from God. :P looked back later and it was gone. :) and this year, just the honour of being able to go for discipleship was pretty darn awesome. and getting to experience that feeling I talked about, to be just drenched in the presence of God, to be in an environment of watching people rise up to the call God placed upon their lives, AWESOME. I love that I had new lessons to learn today, that God is continually molding and teaching me to put others first and to 'get over myself' when necessary. hahah. and to be there, just reminded me of the mandate God's put upon me, the call, and the reminder that I was right exactly where He wanted me. :)

moving into a new house today, i have this overwhelming feeling that God's got A LOT in store for me next year, a lot of new challenges to face but things that will not kill me and only make me stronger. and i guess, from where I am now, I'm feeling really excited to see the things spoken over my life come to pass. but I know now, the hard way, that I cannot make it through unless I am hanging on to my Father in heaven EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

EXCITES THO! next year, I'm expecting MORE God, more of You and just more. more challenges if it means I'll grow. more pain if that's what it takes to bring me closer to You. and I may regret saying this one day, but I know that one day after that one day, I won't be. :)

thanks again God, for a pretty amazing birthday after all. love Ya heaps Pops. :)

love and blessings,
candice

reflection

2011-11-15T13:57:00.004+08:00

it's mid november again. about a year ago, i posted this.

"days come when i wonder where exactly i will be in three months. on an aeroplane? headed to clayton (this only by God's miracle), headed to Melbourne Uni, or the slim chance of not going at all?

where will i be?

and why does every answer scare me? but leaving, starting over yet again in a whole new place, it's terrifying. i mean starting college was scary enough, but like my sister would say, i'm gonna make the closest friends ever in australia. yet from where i am now, a new beginning doesn't sound so pleasant. sure, in maybe a year or so, i'll say it was one of the best things i ever did, but till then.. i can't stop pondering on the life i've built for myself here, the memories, and all that i would have to leave behind. malaysia is home, and it always will be. what if i go there, and i meet all the wrong kinds of friends? what if i lose myself, my character, my 'muchness' when i'm in a completely different environment? what if i lose everything that i've fought to be?"

hahah a part of me wishes i could go back in time and knock that girl on her head and assure her everything was going to turn out alright, even better in fact. :)

but another part's just relieved and thankful to God for bringing me from that place to where I am today even through all the insecurities, worry and struggles.

life sure takes a lot of strange turns when we least expect it, and over the course of this year, i've learnt much. experienced more new things, lived a bit more, loved a bit more, grew a lot more i'd say. and learnt that the growing should never stop. :) and here i am, another year older, feeling pretty pumped for next year. excited for the new things and new people and new experiences God's gonna bring into my life. and while the fear is always there, sometimes raging in the background, other times dormant in the dark, i hang on to the faith that God's gonna pull me through yet a new year. just like how He brought me through this year, and the last. EXCITES. :)

anyways, besides this random walk down memory lane, life pre and post exams is very different man. for the few weeks leading up to exams, i began to do my devotions so regularly for the first time in my life, and it didn't feel like it was out of duty. no, no, it was just pure desire each day to read the Word of God, and spend time with Him. and sure enough, God sent me a miracle in my exam. He is so good. and as soon as i lost the routine of waking up, devo, study etc. , i began to stop doing it. just couldn't make time for devotion in a day. and this went on for about two weeks or so, and i felt so dry and empty at the end of it. i craved the intimacy i had with God while i needed to hang on to Him. i posted this up during my exam period last year:

i was pondering today on how stressful this exam has been on me, emotionally especially. yet just to experience God's presence and grace at such a time as this, it makes it so worth it. :) sigh.. :D

i left that on my dashboard to keep reminding me of that, but when i was clouded by the worry about exams, i couldn't bring myself to see that truth. but out of it now, i see, how God carried me through my craziest times, leaving the one set of footprints in the ground. :') He's pretty darn cool la.

but then yesterday, i sat myself down and read His word again, spent some alone time together and it felt so refreshing. one moment in the presence of God.. is enough to take my breath away. so so awesome.

on another note, i conquered Hurstbridge yesterday! :D three down, thirteen places to go! :)

love,
candice

back to bones

2011-11-05T22:32:00.003+08:00

Booth: Look bones, I love you, kay, that's not rational. Us having a kid together, that's not rational. But.. here we are.
..
..
..
Bones:Uh.. I, I love you too, Booth.
Booth: I know.

SO. FREAKING. SWEET! AWWW!

hahahhahah :D

awestruck wonder

2011-11-01T12:19:00.005+08:00

"Stir in me, a fire that the world cannot explain,
I come to worship You,
Stir in me, a passion that my heart cannot contain,
I come to worship You."

- Stir In Me, Hillsongs

The past two days have been, three days even cause sunday was my baptism, they've been.. so blessed. such a time of God's promises coming to pass in my life, such a revelation of humble amazement on my part. God's been so good. SO GOOD. and this season of my life, this entire year even, has been so full of doubt, new challenges, fear, pain, and direct spiritual attacks on my faith. it's been a hard year, and i say that with all honesty, a little worn out, but i stand amazed, at how God pulled me through so faithfully even when I began to doubt.

Let's start with yesterday. :) I had my final exam yesterday and it was one thing that has been plaguing my mind with worry and anxious thoughts, pushing me to even think of alternatives if i do end up flunking out of med. and it was exhausting, really. but i kept praying, kept believing and kept declaring a miracle over my life, believing God will not leave me here alone, not after calling me here. and as i sat down and began to do that paper, i was so surprised that i could answer most of the questions, that everything i studied came out and the things i didn't only appeared in two or three questions. sure i probably made a few mistakes here and there, sure i'm not the smartest in my cohort or the one with the best grades, but as i sat there and answered question after question, i knew that this.. was ALL GOD. it wasn't me at all, it wasn't by my own strength, it was His miracle. and i can't express how that feels, after months of struggling so hard, to have God finally show me His big surprise, the miracle that awaited if i just kept pushing on. just.. in unspeakable awe.

in the words of ann ee ching, "How can you go through so much, and expect to fail? God will definitely bring your miracle." oh how i love urban life sharings! :)

the rest of yesterday went pretty good as well, a great time of rest and fellowship. :)

today, i celebrated gladys' 20th birthday in the most unique way i have ever celebrated a friend's birthday. this girl, one of the most incredible people i have ever met, decided to spend her birthday this year feeding the homeless and visiting a nursing home. i was so privileged to have been able to join them in the morning, as we went around melbourne city distributing bread and milk to hungry, homeless people. this experience in itself was so.. priceless. truly my prayer is that God would break my heart for what breaks His. as we broke into groups, me with mei ying and harris and gladys with her other friends, we set out to reach out to others, even putting notes saying 'Jesus loves you' into the bags of food. and it was so hard at first, there weren't anyone around that seemed like they needed the food. harris even said, "I think all the homeless people are hiding today." LOL. but we persevered, and prayed that God would send us to people who needed the food. and after about an hour or so of aimless wandering, we began to spot people selling The Big Issue magazine, which i learnt today was a government plan for homeless people. so it was tough at first, plucking the courage to go up to someone, asking if they would like bread and milk, and sandwiches that a few of them prepared this morning, because the last thing we wanted to do was make people think we were looking down on them. some people were pretty hostile, refusing our things cause we appeared 'dodgy' maybe. but then, for the few people that were so grateful for bread and milk today, it's so worth it. God taught me today to hang in there, that when you set out to do something for Him, it's not gonna come to pass immediately. You won't see results instantly. but press in, keep praying, and He'll lead you to where you're meant to go.

two people in particular stood out the most to me today, people i may forget about in the future, but for now, and for the next few days, i know they will be very significant in my thoughts. the first was an epileptic man who was drawing pictures to earn money to get medicine, and we were glad we had something to offer him. but in a quiet, stammering voice that truly broke my heart, he said "I can't have anything that has gluten or i will go into anaphylactic shock." I felt so powerless, so unable to do anything, and in my heart i had this desire to pray for him, but we didn't. and i regretted that afterwards, cause we didn't get to pass him by again.

then after him, we met cheryl. she was the sweetest lady ever, sitting on a corner with her cat, selling The Big Issue. and we approached her and asked if she would like some bread and milk, and she gratefully agreed. and we just listened to her talk a bit, about her arthritis in her knees and her cat. and that desire bubbled up again, and just as mei ying was about to say goodbye, i just summoned up all my courage and asked if we could pray for her. and she willingly said yes, so we all bent down to be at her level and began to pray for goodness in her life, health, healing of her arthritis in Jesus name. it was an amazing moment, just so full of God's goodness. that even opened up an avenue for us to talk about church, cause she asked us what church we went to and we said planetshakers, and she said that she usually worked near there and always wanted to go. what a divine appointment indeed! :) and yea we just invited her to come along and everything, and just.. God is so good la. :)

i guess this year has taught me so much. i still remember feeling SO frustrated early this year that i'm stuck in med school, unable to do anything that can help people now and without all my other avenues that i had in malaysia as well. and looking back now, i see how God has turned my seemingly plain situation into different ways of serving Him. i've come to a place where i feel such a strong sense of calling over my life, and.. i'm excited. :) excited for more that is to come, more growth, more love, more miracles, more, just more. :)

just feeling very happy-peaceful-full now, that feeling i haven't felt in a while. God is so good. and i stand, in awestruck wonder. :)

blessed to be a blessing,
candice

the hopeless romantic

2011-10-31T14:53:00.001+08:00

... knowing that sometime over the next few years, my love story will begin with 'Hi I'm Candice! What's your name?'

And he'd smile and say 'Hi! I'm _______'

Hahaha :P after exam (sort of) bliss. :)

Love,
Candice

Baptism 301011

2011-10-30T13:53:00.003+08:00

I did it! Finally, baptised in water as a public declaration that I believe there is salvation through Jesus Christ. :) and it feels awesome, i feel awesome right now. hahah.

Going in the water was a surreal experience, and even the entire time leading up to it. I was praying while waiting my turn, speaking in tongues, praying for the Holy Spirit to move powerfully in the service. I am also so thankful to Nicole who offered me a hug as I cried and for praying with me, believing with me and standing in the gap with me as an extra prayer warrior. And to have so many people I love there as I was immersed, to have them praying together with the pastor upholding me to the kingdom of God.. supernatural indeed. :) I guess my only regret was not having my whole family there too, like my dad, mum and ta jie, but still.. an immense honour to have bea che and my second family there for me. In retrospect, I'm glad I got baptised today and not any other time. :)

And to immortalize their beauty..

These are the GORGEOUS flowers I got today from my sister, chris and sam, my urban life (i think), and gladys! :) Thanks heaps guys, they are so beautiful! :D

Still, I think the part of today that seems so embedded in my mine was watching qui get baptised. I rushed into the baptismal part of first service to see him get baptised (lucky he was first) and managed to get there in time. Man, the atmosphere was incredible! God's presence was so thick in that place and as I stood alongside urbies to pray for him from the side as he got baptised, it was just so amazing i can't even describe it. The God in that moment, i tried to think of another word, but it seemed only 'God' befitted how supernatural that moment was. but yea, the God in that moment.. just.. brought tears to my eyes. It was such a moment of honour and faith and the overflowing of the goodness of God. just.. wow.

but yea, had an amazing AMAZING time. :)

much blessings,
candice

humbled

2011-10-27T13:52:00.003+08:00

today i stood with a few people i didn't know to encourage an old friend. and in reading the responses of those people, i feel so incredibly.. humbled, and blessed. these few people, they loved and encouraged SO extravagantly, and it reminded me of all my Christian brothers and sisters out there who i have yet to meet even, who are willing to walk beside one another through life, to pull people up and carry them when life gets too tough to bear. and.. in all humility i can say, i've never been more proud to be a Christian. to witness the beauty of honest, humble hearts standing together for a common goal, to feel the immense love of God Himself flow through them.

i stand amazed and in great awe of You Lord, of how beautiful You are, a beauty that stretches from the setting sun to the hearts of your humble servants. :)

Blessed,
Candice

a time of 'becoming'

2011-10-25T22:40:00.005+08:00

check out what i went through today. :P

http://hammeredwoundsplasterednails.xanga.com

well from the obvious first, gosh i used to be such a geeky figure. hahahha.

like.. spot me. hahahh the NERDIEST looking one there.

but then again, it's not like i turned out all that much better. hahhaha.

but, jokes and stupitness aside, it's pretty surreal reading the words of 13 year old me, surprised at the relationship I already had with God then, just completely forgot i met Him that early on in my life. and yea, i'm reading myself tell lame jokes and do 'XD', which i so don't do anymore, and i'm pretty amazed at how far i've come. guess 13 year old me never thought i'd actually make it to nearly 18. which is still, in the words of everyone around me, SO YOUNG. hahahha. sometimes i feel like an old soul in a young body. sometimes. ;) anyways, it was nice to re-read those posts and see how my life had unfolded since, realize the new friendships i have forged and treasured since, watch the family ties grow and remain strong despite circumstances and above all, reminisce about how far i've come with God, and feel how much stronger my love for Him now is than it used to be, from spending more time with Him through various circumstances over the years and know without a doubt, that there's still so much further for me to go. :) life's been good. :)

and so, here's to the 23 year old candice that will one day be sitting down (hopefully preparing to graduate from uni already) reading this, and saying the same thing all over again. may you have a nicer picture of yourself then, but more so, have more stories of love, hope, life and faith to share. :)

love,
candice

Ecclesiastes 3:11

2011-10-25T11:38:00.002+08:00

The image that's been in my mind all day. :)

Love,
candice

train therapy

2011-10-21T17:39:00.001+08:00

There's something about long train rides that soothe me, and bring me peace. I'm typing this as I sit at huntingdale station tonight, a quiet night so far, awaiting the train. And most of the time, I love being surrounded by people, friends, family, but some moments, I like spending alone, on a long train ride, especially when I have not yet even decided on my destination. Not all who wander are lost. :)

But for now, the world is still, and all is good. I'm not scared, anxious or stressed, like I've been the past week and will be next week. It's funny how in the simplest of moments, God chooses to reveal His beauty and presence to me. That a bench by the train tracks is not a place He will not go to spend time with His daughter. I'm here listening to words on my music player like "but the voice of truth tells me a different story, but the voice of truth, says do not be afraid, and the voice of truth, says this is for My glory, out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to believe the voice of truth" and "You tore the veil, You made a way, when You said that is done", I feel myself really listening to the words He chooses to speak to me instead of passing them by like I've been doing all week, letting my worries cloud my faith.

Anyways, the train is here, and I'm gonna enjoy the bliss of my long, quiet train ride, proof to me there's still much beauty in the little things in life. :)

Much love and blessings,
Candice

He cares

2011-10-17T17:00:00.004+08:00

" "Give all your worries to Him, because He cares about you."
- 1 Peter 5:7

Maybe you don't want to trouble God with your hurts. After all, He's got famines and pestilence and wars: He won't care about my little struggle you think.

Why don't you let Him decide that? He cared enough about a wedding to provide the wine. He cared enough about Peter's tax payment to give him a coin. He cared enough about the woman at the well to give her answers."
- Max Lucado Daily Devotions

It's scary how much the daily devotion i get in my email sometimes speaks to me so specifically.

Just the other day i heard God say, "Now that you believe I can, do you believe I want to?"

Being molded for more,
Candice

set apart for more

2011-10-16T18:51:00.003+08:00

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
- Max Lucado

So true. :) And on the days i start whining to God again about when it'll be my turn, i hear Him say, I'm saving you for someone special. And lately, I guess I've started believing that even more strongly, letting his promise overwhelm me with confidence that I don't have to ever settle, but to just trust, and an interesting thought occurred to me today on this topic. I thought, "God, what if i don't like the guy You picked out for me?" Hahahha, stupid question, but it ran across my mind. and i heard Him reply, "don't you think I know what disappoints you and what makes you happy?" Hahaha, that was.. eye-opening. :P but yea, for now, being single is really a gift I think, I'm falling in love with God again, growing, loving, developing, becoming the woman of God He desires me to be, and one day, when He knows the time is right, the right person'll come along. :)

i like how pastor sergio said to the guys that when they are about to begin a relationship that God is trusting them with His daughter.

but gosh, Mighty Men conference sounds amazing, it feels so awesome to just be in the atmosphere today where God was ministering to people but not particularly me, not this season, but still, to be in His awesome presence as He moved.. blew me away. imagine seeing Him move, amongst men, desiring to rise up to greater things, to step up to the call He has over their lives. wow. AIYA I'M SO JEALOUS NOW, I WANNA GO TOO! :(

anyways, gotta run. bye! :) <3

little secrets

2011-09-26T19:33:00.001+08:00

it always makes me feel really warm inside to hear someone say "come back soon". :)

so..

2011-09-16T14:25:00.001+08:00

'If the devil isn't causing you any trouble, it's probably cause you aren't causing him any.'
- Pastor Chris Hill

faith

2011-09-15T08:13:00.003+08:00

i realized recently, that faith is being JOYFUL in watching the breakthroughs and miracles in other people's lives while you are still waiting for your own, especially when your breakthrough feels impossible and painful to hope for. Cause we know, that we serve the same God who is able to do abundantly exceeding above all else we ask or think for our lives, and we rejoice together as a body of Christ. :)

faith.. is also falling back on the truths of your life, making a conscious decision to believe it even when circumstances drag you to a corner and make you doubt.

at the end of the day, don't let the devil steal your joy.

lub,
mee :D

reality

2011-09-11T16:37:00.002+08:00

i realized that looking back on old blogspots, i always write about the ups in my Christian walk, and hardly ever about the downs, probably out of shame, or just.. an earthly desire to make a perfect image of myself. but the truth is, i learn more in pain than in good times and greater testimonies come out of that too. truth is, i have been going through some spiritual battles lately, and very often i feel weary, and tired of fighting. and at times when i can't bring myself to believe in what i know in my heart to be the truth, i hear the voices of people from my past, encouraging, prophesying, praying. i hear pastor matt reminding all of us that we are going to be tested, to see if we have really changed for God, to see if what we learnt about spiritual battles have stuck. he also said to be glad when we're tested cause then we know the devil really is scared because he sees the change in us. i hear the one leader in that prayer tunnel saying to me "you have a warrior's spirit, don't give up, keep fighting". i hear various people telling me that God's got a big plan for me, i hear that in my spirit too, so so often. i hear the words in jon's letter saying "failures are only failures when you don't learn from them". i hear all these things, and most days it pulls me through. i really struggle though when the devil attacks these words too, saying things like, they didn't really mean it, or they say that to everyone. still, i know i have a God that WILL FIGHT for me, that with one cry He is by my side. even without the cry He is actually, always. but yea, i guess the point i wanted to make was that the Christian walk isn't easy. if you find it easy, you're probably doing something wrong, or you're getting comfortable. but it does not mean there is no joy in this journey, on the contrary, our God is a God of joy, and of peace, and of blessing. and He always will be.

also, it's been getting harder for me to hear and distinguish God's voice from my own. some days i sit down and try and try and try but i hear nothing. and it frustrates me at first, actually for a long time it did, but now i realize that this is a test of my faith. will i press on until i see results? will i not give up, like what was said over me, until the miracles i am praying for come to pass? do i love God enough to keep trying? am i desperate enough to not accept nothing? and like i said above, some days i don't even wanna try anymore. but i know, that this is where i'm growing. this is the time where i'm being molded and shaped to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and this is the true measure of my character. and you know what, looking from it that way today, i realized, devil, BRING IT ON. i'm not afraid of whatever you throw at me, and even when i can't hear God, i will not falter cause i know He's there. i know He's still holding me, still reaching out to me, and still loving me.

today, i was late for second service, and it made me feel really distressed, and sinful. so in all that eeurghness, i wasn't really absorbing in service, thinking this doesn't apply to me! and today's sermon was on faith. but still, i had a feeling that i should stay for third service as well. so i did, out of faith. and it was good! i was able to go for this service a bit more free and easy, and many things and mindsets were changed, and for now at least, the battle is won. for now. :) God is good. i love how the words in the song Nothing is Impossible spoke so truly to me. "I'm not gonna live by what i feel, cause deep down i know that You're here with me.." so yea anyways, towards the end of the message in second, it struck me, this message speaks heaps about my situation too! haaha it was just a good time in church today la. :P

and i guess something i wanted to say that was on my mind all day was that.. i'm not always fully secure. there are people in my life that i feel will not love me anymore if i make a mistake, if i mess up or just don't make enough time for them. there are people in my life who i care for deeply, but there's that unshakable feeling (whether true or not) that the reverse is for me to earn. and when things start falling apart, i rely on different groups of people for that emotional support. but i realized.. people WILL always eventually fail me, and i too will always fail some people somehow in some point of time. but God. man.. God. He is the ONLY person whose love i never had to earn. i never had to fight to keep it, i only had to fight to keep believing it. how can God so sovereign love me? but when that realization hits you like it did me, you won't be the same again. i have one perfect love in my life. one love, that will NEVER walk away when i'm at my ugliest inside out, when i'm worn out, beaten, bruised, one love that is truly, absolutely, UNCONDITIONAL. and suddenly i feel so secure again. when i immerse myself into His conscious presence, i remember the truth, i feel it, and i know that God is really all i need. and then i also remember that love between people here is not about the number of events i get invited to or go to, it's not the number of friends i have on facebook, or the activity on my wall. it's about the people i can call (if they actually wake up by the call) at any time to just talk about my problems, it's about the simple expression of love - a hug that i get on occasion when i see them, it's about people i can be myself around and really just believing, even if it takes perasan-ness, cause that does take more courage in this case than believing otherwise, that i am loved.

so yea. you know, God is just.. phenomenal. in every season, in every circumstance. thank You Lord, for teaching me new things through this. :)

blessed,
Candice :)

redemption

2011-09-08T17:26:00.003+08:00

'Jesus Christ, our Savior, who is the propitiation, the satisfaction if you would, for our sins, and not just for our sins, but for the sins of the whole world. The blood of Jesus Christ flowed from seven places. The first place He bled from - the blood that poured from His head that day. The blood from the thorns in His skull cleanse you from thoughts, the blood that was on His face - hey, He has covered the things that you may not want to face up to because of what you've seen or heard. Know this, the blood flowed for you. "Yeah, but Jon, you just don't know I've backed away from the Lord, I've turned my back on him." Well they took a flagellum and they beat His back and blood flowed from His back. It reduced to hamburger meat that day, His back was beaten so brutally. And if you've turned your back on Him and walked away from Him, know this, the blood, the blood that poured from His back, cleanses you; sprinkles you. "Yeah but Jon, you just don't know what I've done with these hands." Those hands were pierced, those hands were pinned to the tree, spikes driven through those hands where He bled to cleanse you and cleanse me from the stuff that we've handled that we ought not to have handled, the stuff that we've done that we ought not to have done. Hey, understand. The blood flowed from His hand. "Yeah but it's stuff that's inside of me Jon, It's just things that I feel in my gut. I have bitterness towards them, and I'm angry with her." Jesus wants you to know that blood flowed from His side when they thrust that spear into Him when He hung on the cross. "Feet...I've walked where I ought not to have walked." Blood flowed from His feet too, when the spike pinned Him through the feet, to the cross of calvary. And now I realize things that I can't face up to, thoughts that I've had that are not right, not good, not true, bitterness inside of me, stuff I've touched that I ought not to touch, places I've gone where I ought not to have walked. And I look and I realize the seven-fold flowing of the blood of Christ cleanses me in every area from all sin and I'm free, and I'm forgiven, by the blood. What can wash away my sin, nothing but the blood of Jesus. Seven times perfection...seven places...that's what He went through, for me and for you.'
- Awakening, by Seven Places

Gosh.. how amazing God's love for us truly is. Unending, and perfect. Listening to this today just made me so speechless, and i knew i had to share this and post it up cause this story of redemption will always hold power, it will always bring meaning and forgiveness to those who seek it. Praise God for being exactly who He is, now and forevermore. :)

Loveee,
Candice

CAMP CAMP CAMP! :D

2011-09-06T22:15:00.003+08:00

like check out how awesome camp was man! :D :D :D

planetUNI Camp 2011 - Highlights Reel from planetUNI TV on Vimeo.

Can you spot MEE? :D

love heaps,
candice! :D

more in love

2011-09-04T19:51:00.002+08:00

"Tell your stories, cause they speak not of you but they speak of Me."

Camp was a downright mindblowing experience for me. On more than one occasion i have said, if for JUST this moment here, i will still have packed my bags and came to camp. i know i write about events in my life a lot, and to someone who does not share the same faith it would be just boring or irritating, but i challenge you to read my account of camp today, since you're already here anyways. dare you?

my favourite part of camp was the last night session as everyone was getting ready and lining up to go for the prayer tunnel. for those of you who don't know what a prayer tunnel is, it's where all the leaders line up in two rows facing each other and people go through that 'tunnel' and have hands laid on them and prophetic words spoken over their lives. but not all the amazing blessing came from the tunnel alone. i was so humbled to see people who were waiting to go in pray for one another and carry each other as we believe for breakthrough. i have never seen such a beautiful sight and God's presence was just soaking through that entire place and the atmosphere was just filled with holiness and man, i can't even describe it. i was so especially blessed by ern ying's prayer for me before i entered the tunnel as she spoke words of life that were so so timely for me, reminding me of who God really is and to receive the plans God has for me cause that will affect the lives of so many other people as well who would be impacted by my life. and in the tunnel, a particular prophetic word saying God has given you a warrior's spirit, keep fighting felt so on-the-spot and just wow. after going through it, i took a seat nearby and just watched as more people went through the tunnel, sang along quietly to the worship music, basked in Hid glorious presence and felt such an overwhelming sense of fullness and peace. i was so drawn to God's presence in that place, to the sound of faith rising up louder and louder as people were praying in tongues and others were responding as God was moving in their lives. Gosh i really can't describe the wonder i felt at that time, and i thought to myself, God, you must be so proud of your people right now. and i meant it not a way intended for self-glorification but in one of honour, where people were just carrying one another in faith and as an army we rose to worship the God of the universe. just wow. mind blowing. :)

and as i sat there i knew that i want God more. i want Him more than good grades, more than anyone else, just so much more and i fell in love with Him all over again that night. and i find it so amazing that it's not only me that was doing so, and it made me realize that everyone is still here, still worshipping because we have all had that love encounter with God that is more real than.. other real things in our lives. God's overwhelming love for us can't be described you know, it must be experienced and when you do experience that, when God draws in and just POURS OUT HIS LOVE on you, you'll never be the same ever. that night, i saw people rising up to fight the devil by declaring things over their lives, i saw lives rededicated to God.that night, i saw grown men cry, broken on their knees before their Saviour, in a deeply personal relationship with Him too. i was so blown away and humbled by this, and truly, real men fight on their knees.

and to people who think of me as overly religious or 'too into it', which is okay, an honour even i suppose, my only response is that... i love my God more than life and He deserves it, that and so much more. i wouldn't have missed this camp experience for the world. i find myself growing in God again, in a whole new level and this time it feels so different cause my growth is out of love. out of just being so crazy in love with Him and having Him love me so passionately as well. hahah i keep getting a loss for words.

but overall i learnt SO MUCH from this camp, not just from the last night.

ooh one thing that became clear for me. lately i have been very troubled by God's revelation that He has big plans for me. like BIG. and i keep getting that impression and then freaking out because i'm afraid it's too big for me. it doesn't really make much sense i guess, but i was very troubled by this, and as much as my heart burns to rise up, to do greater things for God's kingdom, i did not feel ready at all and things feel like they're already moving too fast. but then i had such a God moment and it hit me that the reason i don't feel ready to do all those things for god is because the i am not yet the girl in my future. i'm not at the level of spiritual faith and growth she's in, and it's gonna take a lot of hard work to get to that place and to watch God move in my life every step of the way.

other than that, the other moment i felt so poignant was when we gave jon the ipad 2 we got him, and the scrapbook. the plan was to get a non ulu13 member pass the ipad to him and say eh you know who's this is ar? why have your name on it wan? so we were all just sitting around him 'chilling' as this guy acts the scene for us and we all just move in excited and all, awaiting his reaction. he was absolutely speechless, just smiling in a very moved sorta way, and it just felt so amazing being able to honour him like that and thank him for everything he's done for us. just for that moment in seeing his reaction to the ipad first then the scrapbook with our pictures, notes and love, it was already worth going to camp for man.. i absolutely love this kingdom culture of honouring like what scott and the rest of planetuni did for pastor matt today and just thanked him for being such a spiritual dad to the whole ministry and to see pastor matt's humbled speechless expression.. i just love it so much man, that there was so much beauty and supernaturalness in us practicing the culture of honour and it felt so holy that moment. so outta this world. many eyes teared up throughout, including mine man. :') but yea anyways back to jon, we were all pleasantly surprised back with a handwritten letter afterwards and i was so so excited to read mine but sad too, cause once you read a letter, it's like.. read you know. hahah. and to be honest the first time i read it, i was like.. ohh. erm okay. that's what jon wanted to say? but.. i read it again. and again. and again. and somewhere between the second and third time i read his words, i got it. and suddenly i saw his huge heart and personal-ness in the words he was saying specifically to me and that even in leaving he was still discipling us to grow more. that letter is definitely one of my absolute favourites that i have ever received now, and i will always treasure those words a lot, as a starting point to grow and also a place to look back on for encouragement in tough times.
thank you jon, for everything if you're reading this. you have made SUCH a big impact on my life and taught me so much about life and people and i want to be able to pass that on to other people i come into contact with in the future. life back in malaysia is gonna be so amazing for you as God keeps molding you and expanding you and i am very excited for what is to come for you. thanks so so much. :)

oh and i loved the fellowship in camp too. the crazy morning dance battle in room 41, the late night awkward matters talk, the games, the encouragements to study, the one on ones and how my urban life has become so much like a second family to me. everyone, and even those people i am less close to have become people that mean the world to me and i thank God for every decision i made along the way that brought me to this place, of having the best brothers and sisters in Christ, like minded with one goal and eagerness to serve each other in love. AWESOME!

*picture soon!*

yea.. that's all for now though i have so much more to sayy! will update this soon.

love HEAPSICUM,
candice :D

and i'm back here again..

2011-08-31T10:46:00.001+08:00

.. at a place where i KNOW i cannot do this without God's help.

Lord, I need You, so much.

growth

2011-08-28T08:31:00.003+08:00

i find it easier to trust God when He's calling me to do something i don't mind doing. but i think, all of us who's heard God call them feels the same way la, such a DUH! statement ahhaha. or when i don't mind either of the two options He wants me to pick between. what's difficult for me now is trusting Him with something i want more than i've ever wanted, an experience that i know will bring my passion for Him and for people to a whole new level, but.. what if it's not time for me yet? what if He says.. wait? i know God's got a better plan for me, He always does and that proves true when i look back over my life and see His hands molding my journey. and yea it did require faith along the way but i'm here. and i think i'm right where He wants me for now. with my dream.. i suppose we'll just have to see where God sends me. :)

many times, i resort to pulling myself down because i don't wanna have a big head, or assume that there's more in me than there really is. but God's been so faithful, sending person after person after people to continually believe in me and encourage me to go further and accept my annointing. which i find super duper amazing, that i could be viewed by God as worthy to be a part of this cause. :) and now, i'm really starting to believe that there is an annointing upon me, that God intends to use me for His greater purpose and that in obedience, i can accomplish so much for the kingdom of God. boy, am i excited for that! :D

God, please help me to study AMEN. :) Haihz. stress max man.

recently i felt really led to do something and it wasn't something i really felt comfortable doing but i knew in my heart God was nudging me to say something. so as i went through my internal battle, my heart began to beat really fast to the point of like.. eruption. ahahhaha weird description but yea, in the end i knew i had to do what God wanted me to do. and it was quite cool, not as bad as i thought and afterwards i had that shaking sensation again like in conference this year. which was.. strange but interesting. felt like it was leftovers of the Holy Spirit's presence working in me. didn't last that long this time though, which i didn't really mind, cause i was just really glad that i can go home and be happy that i was obedient and i'm sure somewhere, it bore fruit, even if it was a tiny one. :P

"The joy of the Lord is my strength" :) lately there's been a few more issues i've been struggling with, but then i stop and remember this verse. and i think, it's okay, i know that i've done pretty much right by God and like jon said, be personal but don't take it personally. and i remember, that my mission in life is to care for others and to love them like Christ loves me, but if it doesn't bring forth the results i would have wanted, it's okay, because i sowed the seeds and God will one day reap it. :)

i'm feeling pretty good today after all! :D :D thanks God. :)

AFTER CHURCH:

I just wanted to share some of the things i learnt in church today and of how God moved in me and brought me peace! something worth sharing about indeed! :P

so yea, as we entered a time of worship today, i was feeling rather emotional la and as i started to tear while we were singing i was thinking "God why am i crying la, aiya why i so silly la, what's this!!! Umm maybe it's cause i'm scared of yada yada and struggling with this and that..." and i felt Him say to me, "You don't have to justify your tears with Me." stunned, i thought, how AWESOME is it that i can approach the throne of heaven in all its holiness with tears, with a desperate heart's plea, with one cry resounding "DADDY", and the God of the universe immediately comes to my rescue? God is so good.

and that's not even it! while i was just talking to Him, whining about how hard it is to do everything right, and of how much i desired to just be perfect that i may please Him, to do my devotions daily and to obey every calling, to know His voice so clearly, to not make any mistakes etc. i really wish i didn't have to deal with my imperfections. and God said to me, "I am pleased with your struggling, cause it means you haven't given up although it's difficult." like WHOA. i can't even describe how that encounter made me feel, just so.. safe. :)

i just know now that something is brewing in my life, that God is molding me to be more, MORE than i have ever been or could have ever dreamed of. I am so terrified of what is come, but nothing beats the inner joy and peace of surrendering it all to my Lord and Saviour. :)

"Don't pull back on God when you're under pressure!"

"It is my job to love God more. If i am still at this level of faith next year, it means i've backslidden."

"When you're going through absolute HELL but you still find the faith to pull through and the courage to encourage others, that's when the world sees the best in you."

"Even when everything was going wrong in Jesus life, He chose to bend down and wash the feet of His disciples. Even at His worst, He chose to give His best."

i absolutely love that my God does not ask me to do anything He hasn't done before, not even regarding humility and serving others. <3 <3

love BANYAKERSSS,
candice :)

because i've been learning alot

2011-08-24T12:08:00.002+08:00

i've learnt that my walk in life is my own, and that i need not compare it with others. i may not get the grades i want, be who people expect me to be or do everything right, but what matters is i follow God's heart for my life. and as long as i know i am in line with what He wants for me, even if everything else comes crumbling down, i will have succeeded for that moment in time. :)

I've learnt that there is so much joy in serving, even in preparing to serve there's already so much joy! hmm, i might change my mind when things start to overwhelm, which is why i've written this down here, to remind me that serving is an honour and a joy. :)

i've learnt that God is always thinking about me, and longing to talk to me. and He deserves so much more time than what i give Him right now.

i've learnt that the best ministry i can ever be a part of is my life. And that to serve most effectively is to have my life become my ministry, to uphold the name of my Creator in everything i do, in how i treat people, in remaining upright in challenging situations. :)

i've learnt how important it is to say "Show me, teach me how" in the face of correction. and not to be bitter about it. a true disciple loves correction! :)

i've learnt that some people are with me on borrowed time, and after being such a blessing to me, God will eventually carry out His greater will over their lives and send them out. In the meantime, having caught that annointing and blessing, i can go and spread what i have caught to other people. :)

i've learnt that God is ultimately in control. and that He knows the desires of my heart. He'll make a way for it all to happen, according to His will. :) I surrender all to You O Lord.

i've learnt that there are REALLY AMAZING people around me in my life now, all playing a role in upholding me and growing me. <3 <3 <3

and.. i've learnt that God's got way bigger dreams for me than i've ever had for myself.

thank You Daddy God! :)

with peaceful joy once more,
candice :)

just a little bit more

2011-08-21T21:14:00.003+08:00

ooh so much to say but it's all fujumblied. i guess my story this time around started last thursday night, as i was up to do an assignment at 3 am. and just with a lot of stuff that was happening that day, i was feeling really discouraged, like i really just needed encouragement, any little scrap of it to show me i'm loved and appreciated and going the right direction. and i suppose it was in that moment (and other similar ones) of raw vulnerability that the enemy speaks lies into my mind, and have me believe them. lies like i wasn't good enough, God won't forgive me if i mess up one more time, He's gonna take back the future He revealed to my leaders about me, i was never gonna be really loved etc. i know, sob story drama in my head but anyways yea, spiritual attacks like these, they do happen. and i think the first step that's most important in fighting them is actually recognizing that it is one, and not the truth. and now i know and believe, that the only reason the devil is attacking me is because he knows i can be great for God's kingdom in Christ and he's afraid.

That night, i went through old notes and letters, memories from my past. And there were two particular letters (from friends) that brought me to the point of tears. see i couldn't believe it, that people would have so much faith in me, unwaveringly believing that i will have a big future ahead of me, that i will one day do great things for God and His people. i couldn't see that potential in myself and reading those two letters that spoke such honest words of encouragement, i realized i was tricked. tricked into thinking people didn't care or didn't see anything good enough in me. i realized i was loved enormously as well. and i immediately thanked God, for giving me the love of others to fall back on when i feel weak and can't go on anymore. one other letter struck me too, one i wrote two years ago to myself. and it was so strange, hearing this.. kid encourage me. she's saying stuff like, yea i'm gonna sit for spm soon, don't give up on your dreams etc. and i'm like whoa, she believes in me.. how come i can't?

but yea anyways, the next day, i participated in my sister's urban life, and sure enough, with God's hand upon it all, the topic was 'Battlefield of the Mind'. We spoke about the devil our deceiver and how he's trying to break us by just planting that one thought in our heads (so inception! :P) and watch us self-destruct. it was an awesome time i had that night with such a timely word, which we ended with prayer, declaring God's power over all that, and then worship. awesome stuff man. so yea, that's that.. :P chains were truly broken that night Amen! :)

and this weekend i also learnt more about humility. and that i will ALWAYS have something to learn from someone older than me, people who are more experienced than i am. and regardless of how disagreeable and unappealing their characters may be sometimes, there's always something to be learnt, and at the end of it, someone else to pray for. which was a pretty good lesson after all that is gonna be tough to practice but.. very rewarding i'm sure. :)

oh and urbs last wed was freakinnn AWESOME. we did an open hat session where we all got to ask burning questions we never dared ask and thankfully, we had jon to answer all the really difficult ones. i learnt SO MUCH that night and am still so grateful for this second family i have here to lean back on in the good and bad. :)

medball was on saturday! :) it was pretty fun, my two fairy godmothers (che and alicia) did an amazing job with me apparently! hahaha, it was kinda nice to be all pretty and all for a night, but i realized that i never want to be just that. and i thought to myself today, what do you want people to see when they look at you? and the first answer that came to my mind was the love of God. still it's easy for me to say thing like that, things like looks isn't everything when i don't look half-bad, and that my spiritual gift is voluntary poverty when i've never really experienced poverty. i've never really given more to and for God than i could somehow afford, and yea.. it's a scary thing to pray for God to challenge me and grow me on all that though, cause though i don't like admitting it, these things give me some sense of security. but in order to grow, and mature, and show the world that God is truly all i need, i pray Lord that You will do what You will in my life. As freakily scary this prayer is Lord, i pray that people see more when they look at me, i pray that they see You, holding me together. You, carrying me. You, loving others through me. You, with overflowing favour and testimonies in my life. let them see You o God. Let me decrease while you increase. and let my life be my ministry Lord i pray. :) so yea you know, the night's over and i am who i am as always once again, the little Christian girl who loves her God heaps, who tells unfunny jokes and gets high on bubblegum ice cream. THAT's the real me. :) and it's people that see me as that girl and accepts me just that way that i believe, truly cherishes me as a friend. :P

church was pretty good today too! :) i learnt a lot of pretty good stuff from fast track, and i'm starting to feel my confidence come back, bit by bit, by various unconscious encouragements said over me this weekend. still i don't think i'm ready to do any big ministry involving leading others yet, but as scott said, we need to not feel adequate enough that we will rely fully on God and not our ownselves. so God, lead the way! :) i'll follow. :)

so yea, with everything going on in my life now, i can say it's be busy, at times hard, at times painful but so far, it's been just day after day of experiencing God in different ways and feeling His love surround me. He's been SO GOOD to me and i just feel so so blessed. i love how He can be so real sometimes, when i really enter in and seek His presence. today i could really feel Him holding my hand and whispering soft encouragements to me, things i really needed to hear.

and the kind of God who does that, who makes the earth turn and the sun rise every day but still bothers to calm me in the middle of my storm, that's the kind of God worth devoting my all, my everything to. I love You so much Lord. :) thank You, for everything.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God my Saviour
has ransomed me
and like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
- Amazing grace (bridge) by Chris Tomlin

He loves you too,
candice :)

we are oh so forgetful

2011-08-16T20:11:00.004+08:00

today as i was sitting in a lecture, (and listening ATTENTIVELY :D ), when i suddenly thought of breadcrumbs and hansel and gretel. the only thing i remember about that story is about two kids and a trail of breadcrumbs and how they couldn't find their way back home but they succeeded once somehow.

so i turned to luth who was sitting next to me and asked her to tell me the story. and she went uhhh... they left a trail of breadcrumbs but birds ate them up so they got lost, and something about a witch and a gingerbread house. or something along those lines. by then lecture was about over, so we began to go no la, not like that! and did they succeed once? got gingerbread house with a lot of candy?

finally we turned around after lecture and asked eugene. all he said was.. huh, they all died in the end la! =.= what a fantastic storyteller he is indeed!!

i even asked james who pretty much said the same thing luth and i said and added something like how would i know la!!

hahaah and it didn't even end there man. shanan, best of all, indulged us with what he thought was the real story of hansel and gretel. Ohhh they went to the forest and left breadcrumbs so they can find their way back home. but hansel kept eating all the breadcrumbs, so they couldn't find the trail and got lost. so the witch ate them.

man, how we burst out laughing retelling that story! :P ahahha one of the random things that made my day funnier. not to mention the bird incident, which was another round of laughter, of which the bringer of hilarity would like to remain unmentioned. LOL.

anyways, if you're wondering what the real story is, read it here! :) http://ivyjoy.com/fables/hansel.html

okay rest a bit then assignments here i come! :)

wayy exhausted but satisfied with a day of hard work,
candice :)

so recently i've learnt..

2011-08-14T21:45:00.003+08:00

that it's okay to need other people. i've actually started to pick up the phone and text someone when i'm not feeling too good, when i need advice and assurance. and though a lot of times i wish i was superwoman, wish that i didn't ever have to need anyone, that i can be strong tower people can just come and rely on, i learnt that i will always have things to learn from other people. and it's about biting back my pride and just admitting that i need your help. well, your.. being whoever i turn to in the end. :P

that the answer to my prayers can only be achieved with waiting. Waiting and praying. and obedience too, when the time is right. it's difficult as anything, but i learnt that so much growth happens while we are waiting. :)

that when water (ESPECIALLY MUDDY WATER) gets into your boots cause there's a hole, and doesn't dry up, they really stink up the whole shoe. like really.

that my nasi rojak tastes pretty awesome.

that the enemy is always attacking me, and i need to build up my prayer life to fight him back. i need God to fight my battles for me.

that faith.. is all about letting go and letting God. in giving Him things i want to hold on to so badly and watching it grow to become more than i can even imagine in time.

that Clexane prevents blood from clotting without affecting bleeding.

and more that i can't really think of now.

byebye xoxo,
candice :)

thank You God

2011-08-07T20:47:00.009+08:00

I recently started a 40 day fast and prayer, but in all honesty, i've been struggling with the prayer bit. it seems so difficult to just sit down and commit time to God again. anyways, i started doing this cause i really just wanted that intimacy with God again, to stop feeling so disconnected like i've been since i started my holidays. sighs. still, in this first week, God's been opening up my eyes to having so many things to be thankful for. :) and i just wanted to share some of them with you guys (in no particular order! :P). :D

thank You Lord, for your amazing, beautiful women of God that make carrotballs and cheesy wedges and weird ginger ice cream.<3

thank You Lord, for the unplanned late late night heart to heart talk. :)

thank You Lord, for the rain, the hail, the loss of direction in the middle of a jungle in a mountain, and the fellowship and closeness it brought us. :)

thank You Lord, for the success of lab305's launch and for the incredible journey You've brought my sister and her friends on. :)

thank You Lord, for taking care of the people i am unable to care for, and for providing for them and never forsaking them, in ways i cannot.

thank You Lord, for really nice, friendly and encouraging bus drivers.

thank You Lord, for sending friends to teach me to ride a bicycle and make sure i do so safely. :P

thank You Lord, for favor amongst Your lovely people.

thank You Lord, for helping me survive through med school.

thank Your Lord for the the message today, reminding me You will never forsake me through this new challenge to draw closer to You.

thank You Lord, for the beautiful, beautiful people You have put in my life right now, right here. i know you're up to something with my life, and i trust You. yea.. i trust You Pops. :)

thank You Lord, for love. :) for Your unending love to me, for the love You have given the people around me towards me, and for the love You have given me for others.

thank You Lord, for the overflowing grace You've given me over and over again, though You could have given up on me long ago.

thank You God, for being You, nothing I deserve and everything that's more than I could have ever hoped for and imagined. :) i love You God, and i am excited to see what's gonna happen in the upcoming weeks! :)

realizing we all have much to be thankful for,
candice :D

you know what..

2011-07-31T20:38:00.004+08:00

i love that church is a place for broken people. that nobody is too bad to be loved by God. it isn't about perfection, it's about grace. God's grace upon a sinful people. :)

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."
- Mark 2:17

love,
candice

let faith arise

2011-07-30T22:32:00.003+08:00

Beautiful Woman was incredibly AWESOME! the first night was already so amazing, from the beginning of worship to the very end, and i am so amazed by how personal my God is. struggling with various insecurities (struggled!), i heard God whisper to me today, I love you, I love you, I love you. and i think of all the days i've listened to the enemy's lies that i wasn't loved, that i've messed up one too many times for God's complete forgiveness and i feel.. empowered. stronger. rooted in what i believe in, in what i know to be the truth. God's presence was SO TANGIBLE in that place tonight, throughout the message, He was stirring in that place, breaking bondages and setting people free from the clutches of the enemy. I am just blown away by our God that loves so extravagantly and cares so deeply.

I just wanted to share some of my favourite quotes throughout this weekend:

There's this song we sing that has this line - "You are everything to Me." and everytime i hear it, i feel like God's saying that to me.

When you have begin to have something real with God, He will challenge and mess up the comfort you have substituted for a relationship with Him.

He DESIRES a relationship with you deeply!

*When God encounters you, He always leaves you uncomfortable (happy-scared!). So you're gonna need to pray hard! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13 You have to be disconnected from the familiar to be connected to the divine.

*Don't look back, if your eyes connect back to where you came from, you get pulled back to who you were.

Sometimes if you would be great in God, you've got to keep moving forward even if your heart is breaking behind you, even if your emotions are raging, and not look back. God knows the plans He has for you and they are BIGGER and BETTER than what you left behind!

It will never be the right time, we just gotta go!

To be a vessel for God's healing and power to come through.

You can never conquer what you won't confront.

*One praying woman can BREAK the hand of the devil upon the people she loves. One praying woman can change a city!

The devil is afraid when you really get serious with praying cause that's when you'll defeat him! A place of prayer is enough to kill the enemy!

*You just need to BELIEVE the Scripture you know.

.. and that's just some! like if i could tell you all i experienced and learnt... just WHOA. still amazed. :P

* 1 - this was such familiar territory yet it rung as such a true reminder. i remember sharing about this in cg and i actually said.. "you know what guys, the harder the better, if it means i'll get to experience God in the midst of all that". and as soon as i left a place of comfort, it became difficult to believe that again. it became so easy to just not wanna pray, not wanna talk, and looking back i see the influence the enemy had on me then, to unleash my laziness and all. but now.. as i remember what i asked God for all that time ago, i know that deep down, i want to pray the same prayer again. Lord, push me to that place of total dependence on You, to a place where i know that i cannot do anything if it wasn't Your gentle hands guiding me and strengthening me. Make me uncomfortable Lord, if it's what it takes to make me grow. Thanks God, for letting me eat my words and learn a valuable lesson once again. :)

* 2 - In line with this Pastor Chris Hill said, "i refuse to be sad forever!" which made me think of how much of my heart i left behind in malaysia, in my past. i'm always whining about how much i miss home that i was blinded to the beauty and amazing people God put before me here, to the joy He's made available for me if i would only get over myself and let go and move forward. now, in no way is moving forward to me forgetting the amazing people i had to part with, but to me it's more not letting my past joys cause me present pain. and consequently, (or not so, cause it's all in God's hands.. ;) ), that morning i had such a fun time getting mini melts with my uni friends, and just soaking in all the laughter and happiness of the present moment. just talking, and opening up again once more, determined to make the best out of where God has put me now. and when i learn to actually appreciate all these people in my life, i find that i am happy. i AM. :)

sonia missed out on the picture though! :( but ah well, she was bunches of fun to watch ridiculous youtube videos with. :P DESPONDEX!

and gosh not to mention these awesome girls (+ ernying, pearly and ann ee) who are just complete blessings in my life, along with the rest of ULU-13. i really thank God for these godly role models in my life, people i admire so much and who make me feel so so at home everytime. it was really great spending this time in beautiful woman with you all! <3 <3 <3

* 3 - i forgot the power of prayer. like.. i really forgot. so many times when i felt so helpless, i did everything but pray. and now i remember, the peace i get when i'm in a real conversation with God when we're alone, the security and affirmation that everything's gonna be alright. :) i've decided to pick it up again, and to fast from facebook too for the next 40 days. facebook is ridonkulous in taking up my time man.. so yea. challenge for me. :) and i'll never forget to take advantage of the absolute privilege i have to be directly connected to God, as His daughter and baby girl. :) i'm gonna keep praying and believing for a breakthrough, and when it comes i KNOW it will come with a double portion. AMEN!

* 4 - i've been believing a lot of lies in my head and now only do i see how strongly and truly the Scripture i know in my head and heart contradicts those thoughts. so these are the truths i will hold on to more strongly from now on.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 8:38-39

"Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."
- Ephesians 3:20-21

"..casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
- 1 Peter 5:7

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."
- Ephesians 2:8-9

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful"
- Psalm 139:14

and reinforcing this now, i won't be fooled into thinking that i am not good enough, or unloved, or will never be strong enough to carry out God's will over my life, or believe that i'm not gonna make it through med school or whatever else circumstance comes my way because GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME!

i guess to many who've never experienced God in this way before, it's difficult to believe that people could be so.. tethered and drawn to an invisible God. but it takes more that seeing to be visible , and real in a person's life. i feel God when He's around me, i know He always is but when i really tune in to that, i can feel Him so real, so true, so loving in my life. and once you know that sort of love He has for you, that deep, immeasurable love that was shown so sacrificial when Jesus died on the cross for our sins that we may be set free, when you really realize that, you'll see that everything else pales in comparison to the everlasting God. there's NO ONE like God, and nothing like His love, and believing that His plans over my life are gonna be greater than i've ever imagined.

i'm not afraid anymore, for now at least but i have the weapons i need to kill the fear should it arise again! for now, i'm not afraid of the future anymore, not afraid of the bad decisions i might make in the future, cause God's holding my hand and leading me into my anointing, my future, my inheritance as a daughter of the Most High King.

God He's awesome! :)

be blessed!! <3
candice :)

more than one kind of family

2011-07-18T23:23:00.004+08:00

i've been meaning to post about this for a while now. :) going back to crisis home after i came back was a nice experience! i love going there, the uncles are always so nice and friendly, no new picture with them with me sadly. i titled this post such cause every time i go there and see 10-12 grown men living together and caring for one another, it teaches me that indeed, there is more than one kind of family. definitely though, blood is thicker than water no doubt, to me my family will always have a special place in my heart like no other people. but, in the lives of those not as fortunate as i am to have such a family, i realize that blood is not all that defines family.

it's love that does. and as cheesy as that sounds, it's true. love, and mutual respect. and each time i'm there i just get so amazed by the beauty of the God in our human spirits, that enable us to love one another, bringing everyone to a higher place. just.. wow. :)

and on another note, i've been having these flutters of unspeakable joy when i see anyone rising up to do greater things, to grow in God and do so much more than i expected of them, and when i see or hear of God working in people to make them just.. so much more beautiful, bringing them to where they are today. i think that that's my amazement towards a beautiful God and His works in people. breathtaking. :)

guess those are some of the pretty random thoughts i had. 5 days to go till i leave home once more. :( thank you heaps to people who made the effort to see me while i was here, and i am deeply blessed to know each of you. i will miss you so much. <3

love,
candice

plain truth

2011-07-17T15:28:00.005+08:00

i felt like doing this today. just one-sentences of all i'm feeling right now.

1. I'm scared.
2. It's time for me to let go.
3. There are different things i can no longer expect from different people in my life now.
4. I miss a time when everything was almost perfect.
5. I don't see where my life is heading.
6. Time is moving too quickly.
7. Hold out for more.
8. I don't know if i'm doing the right thing.
9. When i can't hear You, i know You still hear every word i pray.
10. I wish i was stronger.

sigh.

but.. on another note, i wanna thank this amazing daughter of God that really gave me the enormous encouragement i needed exactly when i needed it most. Khaw Ai Mee, it's a true honour to know you at all. thank you. :) <3!

leaving once more,
candice

live laugh love pray

2011-07-16T01:00:00.002+08:00

some days, i can't believe i'm only 17.

bring me joy
bring me peace
bring the chance to be free
bring me anything that brings You glory
and i know there'll be days
when this life brings me pain
but if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus bring the rain.
- Bring The Rain by Mercy Me

just breathe

2011-07-14T22:28:00.008+08:00

The thought that i held in for most of the day was..

Lord, i don't wanna go back yet.

i'm not ready to go back to melbourne. and i'm so so much more sad and scared this time around because i know what it's like there. i know that there are lonely nights i will have to face, days where i feel so so incredibly discouraged and moments i just wanna give up completely. now that i know that, i know exactly how much more i'm leaving behind. friends, family, freedom, home.

but i wanna dedicate this post to a special group of people very close to my heart. people i believe bring out some sort of best in me. hahah. i know i will miss them heaps when i'm there, thinking of the days we do silly things together. who's gonna sing loud off-key music with me in the car now? in whose car? where am i gonna find people who'd plan uber budget vacations we can all enjoy together and have the perfect mix to make the trip memorable? who's gonna play baseball with me with a cheapo 5-dollar plastic bat in the middle of nowhere? who's gonna scold me for being so irritating all the time? sigh.

people ask me a lot, you and your friends are pretty close huh? why ah, one year only! compared to other friends i've know for longer. but i think, it's chemistry. we all just fit somehow. and we make up for what one another lacks with different plus points and with this exact blend, we form a really amazing friendship. we've got crazy people and stern people, forever loud people and occasionally loud people, normal people and elena, and i'm just so thankful God let me meet them all. :)

i know i should be thankful. not so much upset because i have to leave now, but to be like, really thankful for every single happy memory they've given me and turn that into a sort of strength and reminder that our friendship is real and that there will be more good times to come when we reunite. i know i should live in the present moment, and be glad i had an awesome vacation and be refreshed to go back and study hard to fulfill my dreams and make my parents proud. but i'm not that strong. i'm not the kind of person that does well with a good vacation, cause it just makes it harder to go back to reality.

i guess i'm just whining now. i'm scared of what's to come, knowing there's tears and pain in the future but trying to be hopeful for even more good moments and joy in there too. melbourne's not ALL THAT BAD. there are good people there too, and life can be quite nice sometimes. i know i gotta go back, to learn even more, to meet the people God wants me to meet, to do His work there obediently and to just live out His will for me. i just hope now that i can shake the heaviness in my heart about this. help me Lord i pray.

and don't let me lose this girl either God. please. i just started to remember her.

still, thanks God. no matter how sucky things get, i know You'll be with me every step of the way. i know You're there in my every tear and every joy. that, i can always count on. :) just.. help me through the coming obstacles i pray.

i'm really gonna miss you people. i love you all to bits. :')

scared,
candice

courage

2011-07-13T23:42:00.002+08:00

God, where do i go from here?

"You can't find what you're looking for if you don't know exactly what it is you want."

honesty

2011-07-11T18:42:00.006+08:00

i found this VERY GOOD, an honest article that spoke of a man's viewpoint about bersih. i believe everyone should read it, regardless of race or religion because the ultimate main point of this article is not even about the writer's religious preferences. if you still care about Malaysia, i challenge you to read it. not just this too, read more articles about bersih, watch the videos and decide for yourself what the truth is, and which side you're on.

Bersih 2.0 – Would Jesus have marched?
11 July 2011 By Thomas Fann | TinyURL TM

Dear John,

In your Facebook reference to Bersih 2.0, you said that you are glad the rally is over and you asked the question, “Is this the Christian approach to do things? What will Jesus do?” I guess the sight of so-called “street battles” in our capital city between protestors and the police are too distasteful to you and unbecoming behaviour for a follower of Christ. Furthermore it looks too much like a revolt against a sitting government in which case it would be against the words of Paul in Romans 13:1 that we must all submit to governing authorities.

In case you were not aware, I was there to support Bersih and what it stands for. Let me try to explain to you why I went.
In doing voters’ registration for the past year and a half, I have come across too many irregularities firsthand – people who tried to register over and over again but failed for no reason, people who voted before but deregistered, again for no reason. People in the same house but assigned to different constituencies, people who never registered but found themselves registered in some Felda scheme they have never heard before. I can go on and on.

What about gerry-mandering and malapportionment of constituencies? BN strongholds, fewer voters per seat; opposition strongholds, more voters per seat. E.g. Kapar 112K voters PKR; Putrajaya 6K voters BN. Generally, this has been the pattern nationwide. Boundaries are modified after each election to reflect change in the voting patterns. In fact, the way it is, even if the majority of people voted for opposition by 55% to 45%, BN will still form the government. Is this fair?

What about election fraud? The abuse of postal votes where police and military personnel have to vote under duress of being witnessed by their superiors and their votes are used to shore up key BN losing candidates. The buying of votes is now part of the BN election strategic now, doesn’t mind that it is a clear violation of election rules. Remember the famous “You help me, I help you” offer by the PM, not once but over and over again? He promised and delivered that if you vote for his candidate today, he will personally sign the cheque for millions of ringgit tomorrow, if not, don’t bother to come and collect. Is this right just because the PM does it? It is a known fact that huge amount of money were used to buy votes at by-elections these past few years. Power outages during crucial counting of ballots so that bags of ballots could be swapped are regular occurrences.

The fact that 4.3 million eligible M’sians are not registered as voters (about 1/3 of total eligible voters) when they could be registered at a click of a mouse like in S’pore where every citizen automatically becomes registered on their 21st birthday, is yet another concern. Yet, M’sians have to find out themselves how to register, find a place to register, fill up a form in duplicate, submit it, crossing their fingers hoping that SPR would not reject them. They won’t even be notified if they are registered or not, they have to go online to check on their own. Why should it be so in this day and age of technological advancement? The problem is not the lack of technology or funds but the lack of political will to want to register these unregistered voters. Could it be that these 4.3 million are mainly young voters who are more open to change and are better informed than their parents?
There are many, many more issues as demanded by Bersih 2.0 but I won’t go on.

For me, it is an issue of justice. There is a perversion of justice here. And believe me, the people who made up the Bersih 2.0 committee are not thugs or unlearned people. They have tried for years to get the authorities to reform our electoral system but to no avail. Taking to the streets for a peaceful demo is our constitutional right and that only after all other avenues have been exhausted.

I was there. I saw with my own eyes how the PDRM assaulted ordinary men and women without provocation or warning. The protestors were outstanding in their discipline – 50,000 over people and not a single property damage reported, no littering because we picked up our own rubbish and put them in the trash can. There were no street battles or unruly protestors provoking the police as portrayed by the government and the mainstream media. Despite the continuous assault by the police with tear gas and water cannons, the people did not fight back. There was no anger on the faces of the protestors, no fear, no despondency, just a quiet determination to be heard and for our rights to be upheld. I salute these pakciks, makciks, aunties and uncles, the young generation who came out despite the intimidation and unprecedented attempt by the authority to lock down an entire city. I am very proud to counted amongst them.

As we marched together, one elderly Malay gentleman turned to me, looking into my Chinese eyes, he said in Malay “This is the real 1Malaysia”, I agreed and said it is. It is not a slogan, not a logo, not a jingle without any reality. It is a walk. When people come together not to defend their own race or religion but to ask for their most fundamental right to be respected, the right to justice and to be heard, we are one, for we are. When every now and then we broke out into singing our national anthem, it was never more meaningful, especially when we came to the part “Rakyat hidup bersatu dan maju” – The People live in unity and in progress. We are Malaysians, we are all God’s creation, loved by Him.

For too long our nation has been divided when after fifty-three years of independence we should be more united and integrated. I still remember those times before politicians put their dirty fingers into the cultural pot and muddle it up, we were more 1Malaysia. There was no slogan or logo or PR firms to tell us how to be united but just a human decency to respect and accept each other’s differences, be it religion, race or social standing. Most of my best friends in school were people not of my own race and we never thought or talk in term of race or religion. We were Malaysian.

But today, after 30 years of “engineering”, we are so polarised that we have formed our own little “ghettos”, cut off from people not of our own race. We do not understand each other’s cultures, traditions, manners and customs like we used to or we should. In many of us, there is a deep-seated suspicion, resentment, and some, even hatred of the other races. We have forgotten that we are just people, who by divine providence, found ourselves sharing the same homeland. This is OUR home.

That day, as I marched with my fellow Malaysians, it all came back to me – we are as we should be, just honest, decent human beings who care for the future of this nation. I saw elderly pakciks and makciks being rudely spoken to, roughly man-handled and some arrested for simply being there. Have we lost our decency that we have to behave this way even if we are only discharging our duties? The protestors were peaceful but the provocateurs were the police. Have they forgotten who pays for their monthly salaries and who chose the political masters they are now serving? The very people they are now calling and treating as traitors, chasing them around like animals, firing tear gas and water cannons on! We are the rakyat, as you are.

Coming back to your question, John, what would Jesus do? If Jesus were to be living in this country and in this time, what would He have done? If he had known about the injustice done to the people through a flawed and corrupt electoral system, would Jesus have kept quiet and looked away and perhaps plan to migrate to “greener pastures”? If he had wanted to speak up but was told that he needed to apply for a permit and that permit was turned down, would he have just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I tried”? Would Jesus have said, “But the Bible said I have to submit to all governing authority, I can’t go against the government”? You know what. If Jesus had turned the other cheek to all the wrongs and evil in his days and submitted to the governing authorities, He would probably have lived to a ripe old age, gotten married and have children and grandchildren. So would all his disciples – Peter, Paul, Stephen, James, and countless others, they would not have been killed by the governing authorities. Jesus was framed by the politicians of his day, the Pharisees, accused of high treason and executed or as we would like to call it, crucified. Most of the early disciples were martyred because they spoke up, that is, became a “security risk” to the governing authorities. They refused to submit to their demands to be silent and they were executed.

But John, you may be saying, “But Jesus didn’t hold illegal rallies and go on street marches”. Well, he spoke to thousands when he delivered the Sermon on the Mount and when He fed thousands with only two loaves and five fishes. And wherever He went, hundreds, if not thousands followed Him. But He has permit, you say. Well, we don’t know if He has permit or not, though I doubt it. What if He needed to apply for permit and was not given? Would He still have delivered the Sermon on the Mount and fed thousands? I’ve a feeling that Jesus would still have gone ahead. What if in the middle of delivering the sermon, the governing authorities fired tear gas into the crowd and charged at them with batons, turning an otherwise peaceful gathering into a riotous scene. Was Jesus to be blamed though He offered no resistance to the police?

As a man, Jesus was a fire-brand speaker and a radical social reformer and He has asked us to follow in His footsteps. You are right to ask, “What would Jesus do?” I am just not too sure that I would agree with your assumption that Jesus would not be involved in the Bersih 2.0 rally. It was just as well that tear gas and water cannons were not invented during Jesus’ time, otherwise the Gospel pages would be rather scant and most of His speeches would have been interrupted by those same governing authorities He was condemning. Providentially for us, He was able to speak freely even though it offended the authority greatly, enough to plot His death.

John, it is my hope that you would realise that it is not easy for us as Christians to live a pluralistic society like ours and to try and figure out what Jesus would do if He was here. One thing for sure, Jesus was not one to avoid controversies or be cowed by those who opposed Him or is one who avoided taking action when the occasion calls for it; I think of Him overturning the money-changers’ tables in the Temple.

Let me close with this quote by Jesus when He was asked about John the Baptist. In Mathew 11:12 – And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. By “violent” I am sure Jesus does not mean those who would hurt others just to get what they want but Jesus meant that in order to advance the kingdom of heaven, it must be by people who have an inner character quality of quiet determination and discipline to pursue after that which God has called him to. With that I conclude and hope even if taking to the streets is not your cup of tea, you would at least stand with us for what Jesus stood for – freedom, justice, fairplay and love, for that is what Bersih 2.0 is about.

Another thing that I realised when I marched with fellow Malaysians of all races and religion, I am staking a claim to the future of Malaysian on behalf of my children and their children and on behalf of my race and religion. For now we are still defined by our race and religion but may there come a day when we are not. Maybe I will write to you again to explain further about this. Till then, take care.

Your brother in Christ,
Thomas Fann

i teared watching this. would you spare 12 minutes to watch this too?

today i read psalm 52 in my devotion. it's title was The End of the Wicked and The Peace of the Godly. how apt, i thought.

Why do you boast in evil, O mighty man?
The goodness of God endures continually.
Your tongue devises destruction,
Like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.
You love evil more than good,
Lying rather than speaking righteousness. Selah
You love all devouring words,
You deceitful tongue.
God shall likewise destroy you forever;
He shall take you away, and pluck you out of your dwelling place,
And uproot you from the land of the living. Selah
The righteous also shall see and fear,
And shall laugh at him, saying,
“Here is the man who did not make God his strength,
But trusted in the abundance of his riches,
And strengthened himself in his wickedness.”

But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God;
I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever.
I will praise You forever,
Because You have done it;
And in the presence of Your saints
I will wait on Your name, for it is good.

O Lord, i pray for a better Malaysia. one where peace and justice reigns, and where the hearts of all Malaysians beat with unity. i pray for our cries to be heard O Lord, and for change and brighter days to come. Preserve the righteous men and women of Malaysia God, and uphold our nation with Your hand God. Amen.

moved,
candice

the voice of the people

2011-07-10T20:17:00.003+08:00

i really like this article.

It’s not just about 5,000 or 50,000, Najib — Clara Chooi
July 10, 2011
JULY 10 — Even if it is the voice of one man, you listen.

That man does not live alone in this world.

He has family, he has friends and he has colleagues.

His friends have family, friends and colleagues of their own and his colleagues have family and friends of their own.

The point here is: The thousands that gathered at the capital city yesterday, whether 5,000 or 50,000, did not mean that only 5,000 or 50,000 Malaysians are aware of or support Bersih 2.0’s purpose and demands.

In all likelihood, many of the 5,000 or 50,000 had left behind like-minded family members, friends, friends of friends, colleagues and so on, to join this “illegal” street rally.

The 5,000 or 50,000 who thronged the streets and traversed the stretch of the city centre, fleeing through plumes of tear gas and finding themselves itching from chemical-laced water, would have returned home on the night of July 9 with horror stories to tell.

To their friends, family and colleagues, the 5,000 or 50,000 will tell the story of a bald man seen with a bloody gash on his head being carted away by blue-uniformed men, stories of people locking themselves together in a tight knot on the ground as policemen try to tear them apart, dragging them away in arrest and beating some who resisted, stories of men in red helmets backed by fire-red trucks standing in lines and firing gas canisters at close range and without tilting their guns.

They will relate stories of the thousands of other protestors who stood together in groups, linking arms and marching on, daring to defy those who have defied them. They will describe tales of strangers becoming fast friends with one another, helping those who could not run as fast from the shower of chemical water, offering salt and wet pieces of cloth to those whose eyes were badly stung by the tear gas.

They will tell the story of an elderly lady, garbed in a yellow T-shirt, holding a long-stemmed flower and bravely marching along with protestors despite the rowdiness and chaos that surrounded her.

Above all, they will tell the tale of the 5,000 or 50,000 Malaysians who left the comfort of their homes on a rainy Saturday afternoon, to get gassed out and sprayed at in their own capital city, people who risked the possibility of violence, injury and arrest, just to march for one simple goal — free and fair elections.

If each of the 5,000 or 50,000 who gathered had told these stories to at least 10 others, whether their family members, friends or colleagues, then 50,000 or 500,000 Malaysians would now know the truth of what transpired between 1pm and 5pm on July 9, 2011.

And if each of these 50,000 or 500,000 Malaysians, in turn, repeated these stories to at least 10 others, then 500,000 or five million Malaysians would now also know what happened.

No one could ever say for certain what these people would think of these stories, whether they would condemn the protestors or the cops.

But if you were a family member of Baharuddin Ahmad, who died yesterday when he collapsed while running away from the bombardment of tear gas and water cannons, what would you have said?

Would you have said he deserved it because he participated in an illegal rally? Or would you have condemned the police for firing at civilians?

Today, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak turned his nose up at yesterday’s turnout on the streets. He praised those who did not turn up and said they were the “silent majority”.

Has he forgotten what happened when the government turned its nose up at the thousands who attended Bersih’s first rally in 2007?

On March 8, 2008, Barisan Nasional (BN) nearly lost to the opposition in terms of popular vote, garnering only 51.5 per cent compared to 64 per cent in 2004.

Whether or not Bersih 2.0 was wrong to hold the street march, whether or not its demand for free and fair elections is unreasonable, is no longer the only arguments here. The fact is, thousands have spoken against the government and they want an answer.

So Najib would do well not to mock the 5,000 or 50,000 people who turned up yesterday.

He has to remember that, like the voice of one man reaching 10 others, the voices of the thousands yesterday has likely reached the millions who make up this “silent majority”.

* Clara Chooi is a reporter with The Malaysian Insider.

i find this article so true. and it's nothing short of amazing really, up till yesterday, i hardly cared about politics, just always amused when i hear stories about what's going on and saying the occasional prayer for our nation. today i'm reading and posting articles about it, feeling so inspired and more proud than ever to be Malaysian. On facebook, i see so many of my friends too who i have never discussed politics or our country with, all liking the same posts i am, supporting the same groups i am and agreeing with what one another are saying. all this began with the voice of one person. how amazing indeed.

don't give up on Malaysia yet rakyat! :) Keep praying and keep believing for better days! Amen!

love,
candice

thoughts

2011-07-09T21:55:00.004+08:00

For the bigger part of today, i was thinking about the Bersih 2.0 rally and i have to admit, a rather big part of me wish i had the guts and passion to march like so many other people did for a noble cause. A cause i have to admit, i didn't really know about until very recently either. For those who are in the dark like i was, this is what Bersih 2.0 was aiming to fight for.

These are the 8 immediate demands for Perhimpunan BERSIH 2.0:

1. Clean the electoral roll
The electoral roll is marred with irregularities such as deceased persons and multiple persons registered under a single address or non-existent addresses. The electoral roll must be revised and updated to wipe out these ‘phantom voters’. The rakyat have a right to an electoral roll that is an accurate reflection of the voting population.

In the longer term, BERSIH 2.0 also calls for the EC to implement an automated voter registration system upon eligibility to reduce irregularities.

2. Reform postal ballot
The current postal ballot system must be reformed to ensure that all citizens of Malaysia are able to exercise their right to vote. Postal ballot should not only be open for all Malaysian citizens living abroad, but also for those within the country who cannot be physically present in their voting constituency on polling day. Police, military and civil servants too must vote normally like other voters if not on duty on polling day.

The postal ballot system must be transparent. Party agents should be allowed to monitor the entire process of postal voting.

3. Use of indelible ink
Indelible ink must be used in all elections. It is a simple, affordable and effective solution in preventing voter fraud. In 2007, the EC decided to implement the use of indelible ink. However, in the final days leading up to the 12th General Elections, the EC decided to withdraw the use of indelible ink citing legal reasons and rumours of sabotage.

BERSIH 2.0 demands for indelible ink to be used for all the upcoming elections. Failure to do so will lead to the inevitable conclusion that there is an intention to allow voter fraud.

4. Minimum 21 days campaign period
The EC should stipulate a campaign period of not less than 21 days. A longer campaign period would allow voters more time to gather information and deliberate on their choices. It will also allow candidates more time to disseminate information to rural areas. The first national elections in 1955 under the British Colonial Government had a campaign period of 42 days but the campaign period for 12th GE in 2008 was a mere 8 days.

5. Free and fair access to media
It is no secret that the Malaysian mainstream media fails to practice proportionate, fair and objective reporting for political parties of all divide. BERSIH 2.0 calls on the EC to press for all media agencies, especially state-funded media agencies such as Radio and Television Malaysia (RTM) and Bernama to allocate proportionate and objective coverage for all potlical parties.

6. Strengthen public institutions
Public institutions must act independently and impartially in upholding the rule of law and democracy. Public institutions such as the Judiciary, Attorney-General, Malaysian Anti-Corruption Agency (MACC), Police and the EC must be reformed to act independently, uphold laws and protect human rights.

In particular, the EC must perform its constitutional duty to act independently and impartially so as to enjoy public confidence. The EC cannot continue to claim that they have no power to act, as the law provides for sufficient powers to institute a credible electoral system.

7. Stop corruption
Corruption is a disease that has infected every aspect of Malaysian life. BERSIH 2.0 and the rakyat demand for an end to all forms of corruption. Current efforts to eradicate corruption are mere tokens to appease public grouses. We demand that serious action is taken against ALL allegations of corruption, including vote buying.

8. Stop dirty politics
Malaysians are tired of dirty politics that has been the main feature of the Malaysian political arena. We demand for all political parties and politicians to put an end to gutter politics. As citizens and voters, we are not interested in gutter politics; we are interested in policies that affect the nation.

i really like this statement my friend posted on facebook too.
"Honestly, if you're going tomorrow for Bersih 2.0, go by all means, but know why you're going and what you're standing for. Don't go without critically analysing all 8points Bersih 2.0 stands for. If you're not going, stay home because you actually gave this some thought.

But don't ever ever be indifferent to this country we stay in."

i know that to some extent, everything i say seems pretty easy or useless cause i wasn't one of the 50000 who actually did something today. but i find it so amazing that so many turned up to fight for electoral reform, that there are everyday people out there who really do care about Malaysia's future and are willing to stand for it, even at the risk of being arrested. hearing the various posts about how someone i know got arrested today made me just so so.. in awe, of his passion and dedication in pursuing justice for this country. felt like no words were even good enough for me to praise, salute and thank him with.

today i watched the news eagerly for the first time, to hear what was going on with the rally. today i watched 50000 people march peacefully against dirty elections. today i felt the spirit of Malaysians like never before. i believe in everything bersih stands for and i think that it was such a good opportunity for people to rise up and speak with one voice too. i really do hope their memorandum gets passed to the YDPA or whatever the procedure is, must remember to keep this in prayer. the government handled it pretty stupidly though, like fighting a peaceful rally with tear gas and chemical-laced water. like wth. and the only message they were getting across was that they don't support a clean election. gosh, even parliament members were arrested! i really wonder what the police officers on duty today were thinking when they arrested people who simply wanted to make a positive change in malaysia, what they felt when they hurt people who had no intentions to cause any harm. ISH.

haihz, i don't have much left to say about this, other than that i really really admire the people who marched today knowing their purpose in doing so, with the hope that better times are to come for this country. i salute you all, and i am deeply blessed to have known some of you at all. may God be with you. :)

"We have stirred the imagination of the Malaysian people all over the world." Amazing. Malaysian rakyat in over 29 cities all over the world have stood up for this cause today too! RIGHT against MIGHT! :)

"Who is the judge?
The judge is God.
Why is he God?
Because he decides who wins or loses. Not my opponent.
Who is your opponent?
He does not exist.
Why does he not exist?
Because he is a mere dissenting voice of the truth I speak!
SPEAK THE TRUTH.."
- Great Debaters

on another note.. sometimes (including today), i'm thankful for my bad driving, cause it gives my mum (and me) an extra thing to thank God for every time i drive home safely!

i love my g8 vacations. it's always so crazy and funny and tiring. i told them, i really hope we make it a tradition to go on a trip AT LEAST once a year, to commemorate and celebrate our friendship. :) i really hope this comes to pass. i hope we never get too caught up with life and other things that we forget to put in effort to preserve this amazing connection we have with each other. going to melaka taught me that all of us have our own really good and really bad qualities, but with each other, that all balances out and everyone as a group is SO MUCH FUN to hang out with. :) Gosh i love these people to bits and pieces. :) i dream of vacations when we're all grown up already, looking older and with jobs, with maybe even more people on our trips, partners of g8-ians coming along too. here's where ivan and the rest of us together say AWWWW. :)

"Often, the greatest rewards come from finding the courage to do something we believe we must, and not so much in how the world reacts to that. In the end, the biggest battle we must fight is the one with our own selves."
- Anonymous

lazy to type already but love bunches,
candice :)

buried treasures

2011-07-06T01:02:00.004+08:00

i miss this bunch of people. :)

going out with them and talking with the one that didn't go too today made me remember all the good, stupid times we used to have. these people got me through high school, and i absolutely just can't help but wonder now, what happened? How'd we all go from being so close to just.. having memories of being that close once upon a time? i'm really glad i got to see them when i came back, and that there's picnic with the girls and getting to see goo soon to look forward to still.

i miss how faris would always be doing the random-est things, and that time where vonne threatened that we'd go eat non-halal food if he didn't stop misbehaving, and how he's always so full of himself, but cares enough to always plan our TOT outings. :)

i miss how james was always so nice to all of us, being so willing to fetch us around even when it was so out of the way, and the day we made him one of us! :P

i miss yvonne, and how we'd tease her about her bunch of stalkers, and listening to her lame jokes, and i love her for always being just so sweet and kind all the time. i remember how we stuck together in india, and had such a good time together too! :)

i miss goo, for being the idiot that he is. in our short sms spree today, i think we called each other idiot twice already. i miss all the nonsense we used to share, and how he was my underaged friend in this crazy bunch. and i miss seeing him in MADU, remembering the time he helped me give out my presents to certain kids without letting the others see, in a not-so-nice way LOL. and for endorsing the name Intensity Girl for me. =.=

and i really miss shum. my best friend for all that time, and i miss all those long phone calls where we'd just talk then do nothing over the phone until someone felt like talking again. i miss our peanut sessions where'd you'd make guesses about what was really going on with the people in my life, and where i'd get to listen to all your stories. i remember you praying for me that one time ages ago when i had the worst time ever, and it really did bring me some peace. i miss you bunches peanut, i hope we get a LONG LONG catch-up session soon!

i guess it took me going dunno how many thousands of kilometres away to realize how friendships are worth the effort to preserve. it isn't always easy, it isn't easy at all, but i think we all owe it to each other to hear how one another's doing more often than once a year, out of the fact that we knew each other once ago, and that we loved each other then, and because that's something that made us who we are today. i don't wanna to have to find that one day, my biggest regret was letting go of these precious friendships without trying. so thanks faris, for reminding me how important it is for us to meet up at least during the big times. :) i won't forget that anytime soon, and i'll try my best to always keep trying. :)

love loads,
candice

vulnerable

2011-07-05T19:44:00.003+08:00

a friend referred to me as vulnerable a few days ago, in a good sense (i think). and i really gave it some thought and wondered what does it mean to really be vulnerable? does it mean i jump into things without thinking? or let whoever hurt me? or is it really just.. standing up again when i know, one day i'll fall again?

thinking about this led me to a few personal relations with who i am now. right now at least, i think, being vulnerable is letting people in. admitting that there are people i need in my life who do not need me as much, people who need me that i am meant to serve, and people that don't want to be relied on right now. and at the end of the day, after realizing how awful or how amazing people can be, to love them all the same. to accept the past, then let it go. to feel the pain, then dare to feel again. to do the things i thought i didn't have the guts to do, and wait with hope. to have experience in my back pocket, and be brave enough to share it with others that they too may learn from my mistakes or be encouraged by it.

maybe to be vulnerable is also to let go of the reins and let God lead. to come back to Him again and again, saying i'm sorry, God please let me try again. the courage to try to be obedient once more, when i know somewhere along the line i will falter again, i will disappoint Him again, and i will be disappointed by myself yet once more. maybe it is to keep serving knowing i am broken, and keep praying when i feel all hope is lost.

this song came into my mind today as i was brushing my teeth. and i need this, oh how i need this.

Come Away by Jesus Culture

Come away with me, Come away with me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me

Open up your heart and let me in

and at the end of every day, i just have to remember that God loves me and He does it without holding any emotion, or any passion back. and it is a blessing to know and believe that, and for it, i know i am safe in the arms of my Father. come hell or high water, He is with me and i will never be alone.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 8:38-39

love,
candice :)

whole-heartedly

2011-07-04T20:54:00.001+08:00

"Give the world your best, and it may never be enough. Give the world your best anyways."
- Mother Teresa

maybe

2011-07-01T00:12:00.003+08:00

maybe i need more alone time, like the time i spent on the train and walking to school, or on the bus back. time to just breathe again, away from always being surrounded from people again, maybe i'm not used to the sudden change. today's train ride back to sri petaling felt nice, getting to stare outside at the moving scenery and people living their lives again. who knew THAT of all things would be one of the nice things about aus? maybe.

maybe i need like a super detox, relax holiday, to just have fun and be really crazy, like genting. maybe it really takes standing and dancing in public to weird rap songs and running on cool, deserted roads with other crazy people in the middle of the night. well i'm getting that next week, with even more people, for a longer time! :) maybe.

maybe i need a one on one talk with anybody, just to hear a voice replying to my whines, and know i don't have to rush the conversation but instead just take my time and let everything out. to have someone to hear all my crap patiently, and then be able to serve that person likewise. which i'm gonna get this saturday with sarah-ann, so i sure am looking forward to that! maybe.

maybe i need to just get over myself and all the weird emotions going on. to always be rational, keep doing what's right, always pick to be happy instead of grumpy, ALWAYS find the present joy in the present moment, even, especially if it's knowing people i love are happy. maybe it's fighting negativity 24/7, and eventually finding that that in itself will become a habit. maybe.

maybe i gotta let everything out. go jogging till i've used all the breath i have, scream, cry, laugh, or maybe just tell people what i really think when i think i should, while being careful and not just shouting like some crazy demented lady at people la. i wonder if i need to vent, and release, and just not hold so much in all the time anymore. maybe.

or maybe.. i just need God. i miss Him a lot, and i know, i KNOW that just spending some time with Him will make me feel so much better. He says, come to Me and I will give you rest, and i believe it cause it's in my Bible, and very much from past experience. but somehow, i just can't pull myself away from all the other temptations in my day-to-day to give Him even that, which makes me so, SO frustrated at myself.. sigh. God please help me. yea.. i think this is the one.

getting it right

2011-06-28T22:27:00.004+08:00

there's a lot of new random thoughts i have on my head today! :)

firstly, it felt really good jogging in my favourite park in the whole world again today! so many memories everywhere haha. but really, just putting my legs to good use again, feeling the first wave of panting, is amazing. i love how that makes me feel so alive. until it gets too tiring la. gosh, i am SO out of shape, but it's okay you know? :) i'm glad i took the first step in whipping myself back and improving my stamina to where it used to be like.. 5 years ago? ahhaha. but it was fun going with my sister though, and watching her hilarious cheeky face as she ran past me at the end.

which reminded me of the moments i cherished so much, moments where there's so much joy and peace in me, where for that one moment, everything is as it should be. it happened again as i was driving today, and there was my dad next to me giving instructions, occasionally raising his voice when i get off-track or blur, and three ladies in the backseat unsure if to scream or pray or laugh. it was so funny seeing each of them try whispering instructions to me cause they were to scared to say it out loud or if they were hinting to me before my dad gave the instruction. ahhahaa, either ways, i was torn between being stressed out by them four, and hiding my laughter, cause they were all just so adorable la. :) <3

so far i've been spending more time at home than out with friends, and today, i knew i wouldn't give up that time i had with them for anything else. i'm really gonna miss all this 'mou liu' moments, where my sister and mum and speaking to each other in high-pitched voices, when my eldest sister insists on spoiling me, when we laugh at each other over the silliest things, when my parents try to keep track of what's happening in our three lives, when i learn to knit and learn to drive, when my dad laughs at "what are you sinking about?", when we have dinner together. ohh and when my sister gives me an "i-told-you-so" look when my dad offered to pay me not to shave my head. hahaha :)

at the end of the day, i guess when you give people a chance, they will eventually amaze you.

ooh and i went out for lunch with roxy today! :) had a really good talk, and i'm so glad for all these friendships i have, opportunities to serve and be served mutually. haha after lunch we met up with summer and wei-jan and eventually started discussing wedding photos. apparently, my wedding photos are gonna be very fun , crazy and kiddy, like pillow fights and stuff. hahahahah SO EXCITES. :P

as i was driving today, i realized that i am the last daughter my dad will get to teach to drive. i'm the last daughter to have completed so many other rite of passages too, like losing all my baby teeth, entering sports, finishing SPM, going to college, getting into and going to uni, prom.. and it's a funny, surreal feeling, knowing life is passing all of us by, not in a bad way, just.. sometimes a bit too quickly. i think of all the other rites i have yet to go through, graduating, first job, getting a boyfriend, getting married, having kids and then watching them go through all this back from the start too. how awesome would that be! :)

so just being here where i am now, i'm thankful. thankful for parents who were with me through it all, for sisters who took care of me and in doing so taught me to care for others, for friends in bringing me joy and comfort, and for life, in all it's beauty. :) there's SO MUCH to be thankful for everyday, and i never wanna forget that.

oh and on another note, yoghurt boyz is closed! :( :( :( malaysia is not the same anymore. :'(

these past few days, i haven't been doing my devotion, cause of the different schedule i have here, but that's probably just a bad excuse. like josh shared, God deserves at least 10% of the time He gives me each day, and now i'm struggling to give Him even 1%. and i feel the difference actually, i feel the worry creeping into me again, and the fear of failing my previous paper, of not being able to juggle all i want to do next semester. i NEED to pray, i WANT to spend time with God, but .. sigh, O Lord, please help me overcome the temptations that stand in the way.

kay, i'm gonna go pack up for tomorrow and sleep soon! :) bye bye dear reader, with load of love! :)

anguish

2011-06-27T01:53:00.002+08:00

convicted,
me

belief and faith

2011-06-26T21:48:00.003+08:00

random thoughts...

more than some of my posts have started with "i learnt..". hahah and i find it pretty cool actually, that i'm always learning new things, getting new revelations and seeing the error of my ways. today i spent some time talking to an old friend i didn't really keep in contact with when i left. and in all honesty, for some time now i've struggled with people who weren't there for me when i felt i needed them. today i learnt, that i.. play both sides in this unpleasant game. i've been the person that wasn't there when people could use my listening ear or company. and it was an extremely humbling and eye-opening experience, realizing that.

going to aus, i've felt so often that i was leaving my ministry behind. i was leaving all my opportunities to serve, and going to a new place with a clean slate and.. nothing to do. from my first trip home back since i left, i learnt that it doesn't have to end here, even thousands(?) of miles away, i can still invest in lives the way a few people have invested in mine.

i thought i finally conquered my biggest hurdle in joining shave for a cure next year. my mum. ahahha, but, all the other hurdles, well actually just this one, was a shadow to a bigger concern in shaving for a cure. do i really have the guts to walk around bald and then with odd short hair for a few months? do i really not care as much about what people think as i like to think i don't? i guess we'll see how things go next year. maybe all i gotta do is close my eyes.. and leap. :)

i think i really gotta stop listening to the voice in my head that diminishes me and beats myself up sometimes. truth is, i know there's many people out there who believe in me. it just gets hard sometimes to believe them, the hardest thing to do even. and i learnt that i don't need to hear people tell me everyday that i can do this, that they have faith in me, cause i know they do. and i just gotta have more faith in me. also, i learnt to keep encouraging others more too, to bless people as much as i possibly can, to love with all my heart and obey because that is the call upon my life.

and.. i gotta stop watching so much romantic chick flicks. lol.

i am also learning to let go. move on and just.. be happy. live, like REALLY. :)

thank you, to all the people i've talked to over the past few days. you guys, are amazing. thanks for all the encouragements, and God bless you!! :)

with loads of love,
candice

thread between strangers

2011-06-24T23:49:00.002+08:00

today me and my sister walked into krispy kreme cause i was craving an original glazed donut, and so i ordered and paid for it. walking back to guardian where my other sister was, i realized that there were two donuts in there, and so sis and i decided i should walk back and tell the lady. and back at krispy kreme, i told the lady that i think she gave me two by accident. and the lady smiled and patted my shoulder saying, no no, i gave it to you, it's for you. and smiled really sweetly too!

i'm not too sure what compelled her to do so, maybe it was God saying i could use some extra love and encouragement, or she just thought give one extra so my sister can eat too, but i felt really blessed after. walking out of the shop, the word on my mind was favour. other than that though, i'm just amazed at how the love for strangers still exist in people, and how far one kind act can go. just, pretty amazing stuff, thanks God. :)

and.. i'm learning to treasure moments i sit at home doing nothing or doing chores with my mum and sister, and rest of fam at night, cause it's these things i wish i could be doing when i'm in Aussie wanting to be here. guess i'm starting to understand more and more that family may not always be as fun and stupit and crazy as my friends, but nothing compares to family. we bicker, and quarrels get too far sometimes and i make disappointing mistakes, but there's ALWAYS moments as we sit and watch a movie together talking about it, or carry clothes and sheets around to hang, or cook to eat, or laugh at some new stupid amusing joke that i see the magic behind it all, the joy and love and awesomeness. :)

it's all good. :)

be blessed dear reader! :D
candice

where words fail

2011-06-24T11:58:00.003+08:00

Among the clouds, Jesus looked for the one ray of light, and gave thanks for it.

a friend told me that day, that she felt that i have been struggling all this time. and yea i guess to some extent, i suppose i have. perhaps it's more to getting used to not having the perfect life i had last year, where friends were awesome, family was great and school, church, everything was working out for me. things haven't been the same this year, and coming home, surprisingly i find that i still haven't found what i'm looking for. not that i even know what it is i'm looking for. i'm just rambling.. but i guess what i'm saying is, life takes weird, unexpected turns sometimes, and you may just find yourself fighting, doubting, pleading, screaming, exhausted and worn out.

at times like this, i think the best thing to do, is find that one ray of light and give thanks for it. laugh at things all the more, smile, be happy, and take out of every situation what you deserve, to rejoice and be glad in the day that the Lord had made. i remember mei ying telling me the story of these two guys that laughed so hard until they cried when they received a letter saying that the funds for their experiment or something was gonna be cut off. they didn't let something as potentially silly as circumstance bring them down, and it really did turn their situation around. all about attitude. :)

so struggling? yea i am, everyday, in trying to discover who i'm supposed to be that would be pleasing to God, in finding the strength to be that person, in taking things a day at a time, to fight negative emotions, and to make the most out of my life. and learning, that in no situation i am facing now does the devil deserve to steal my joy away. God will help me overcome.

it's a fight, but we can do it. :)

love,
candice

neither here nor there

2011-06-17T02:03:00.010+08:00

but it's all good! :D

i've got much to look forward to from now, there's going home, malacca, and when i come back, there's the hubs, beautiful woman conference, tutoring, rural placement, indigenous health selective, dna, urbs, dance, and just a new season of challenges and joy. :)

in every season of my life, God is good. <3

here's something i wanted to do for a while!

PEOPLE I ADMIRE (and love) #4 and #5

SARAH-ANN YONG JENLEE

this crazy woman. we became friends last year during all girls camp, especially being in the committee with miss sarah-annyongjenlee as camp commandant. and i know that camp is something we're both thankful for, cause we wouldn't have grown so close if it wasn't for that. i know our skype calls are rare, but they mean the world to me SAYJL! i love the way you always start our call or talks with, "okay what's new with you? faster tell me everything!". you're always ready to listen sa, and i find that so, so admirable. and not to mention, the amazing HUGEE heart that you have for people! i can honestly say that i look up to you berbanyak, and i wanna be more like you, in the way you serve with your heart and your life. keep shining your light to the world, it wouldn't be the same without you. and thanks so much dear, for being someone i know i can always count on, through good, gross and bad. it truly is an honour to be your friend missus!! absolutely excited for my HUGEE hug one fine sunday! ;)

and..

CHRISTINE TAN ZHAO WEI

this ugly man. hahahha nah, my hubs is real gorgeous inside out. you can be so so WEIRD sometimes, but you have been an amazing support for me throughout the past few months, and i think i can really honestly say i don't know how i would have gotten through it in one piece, still sane, if i didn't have you in my life! :) it is such a huge BLESSING to be able to do devo together, and share the stuff we learn, and call one another just to say a short prayer for each other and then say bye. i know God's got great things for you chrissy, and to hear of how your faith is growing each day and how amazingly God is moving in your life, it really inspires me. thanks for EVERYTHING, and for being the best (and only [real]) husband i've had! :) (not will ever have tho! CHOI!) Thanks, for not letting God leave me alone in melbourne, and for investing into my life so much. <3 LOVE YOU HEAPS babe, can't wait to see you and kick you and jump on you in melbourne soon! :)

thank You Lord for these two amazing girls, and i pray that You would keep molding them to be more and more like You each day. AMEN! :)

good night world!
candice :D

the bumpkin

2011-06-14T19:37:00.001+08:00

this naughty little girl was playing with markers and drew on one of my fingers. so, i told her, "eva no, cannot."

then she looked at me innocently..

.. and kissed my finger.

AWWWWW HEART MELT!! <3

love,
candice :D

the peace of hope

2011-06-09T19:47:00.004+08:00

While I'm Waiting by John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

yesterday night's combined urbs was awesome! :) felt like the final altar call was really God's army rising up together, praying as one for one another, honouring the presence of God in everyone and it was just so.. amazing. :) i love what pastor matt said about how we may sometimes feel like JUST the pinky in the body of Christ, but when you have a paper cut on your pinky, when it hurts, the whole body suffers. :) and he shared about the lady in the Bible with the issue of blood who just wanted to touch Jesus' hem, and reminded us that the hem is the dirtiest part of Jesus, but it held so much power too. like really awesome stuff. after the prayer session was over, nek dit asked me what i felt. and i thought a while, and knew the answer. :) PEACE. with new hope and a lot a lot of love around me! :)

and then we went to surprise wen shi! he was expecting something from ppl apparently, but not us! :P think he totally hid his tears of touched-ness. :P kinda fail cause i was too excited when he opened his door and i blew out the candles. HAHAHA kena marah by them kau kau dy la! anyways, it was fun tho! :) can't believe you're 19 already, happy birthday tai kor teng! :)

the cake that gene and i put SO MUCH LOVE into.. :D glad wen shi liked it! :)

us waiting for tram afterwards. SO SO COLD!! :D

the birthday boy! we hope you enjoyed your birthday!! :)

love a bunch,
candicee! :D

right here

2011-06-07T17:35:00.006+08:00

God, i pray that You would always be my first love. :)

"When the first love was thwarted, then there was just a chance that in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow."
- C. S Lewis in The Great Divorce

i shared this a couple of posts back. and i find myself here, thinking about how this quote applies to me. for so long i've been going on and on about how hard things get here, how tired i am of being lonely, how much i miss home and the people there. but in this loneliness and silence, as i begun to open my eyes and really see it for what it is, i realized that i am so greatly blessed in such a time as this. Sure there was pain along the way, but this season (that's not over yet but greater is yet to come) has shown me above all, that God is faithful. i find myself falling more and more in love with Him each day, and in doing the book of Psalms daily with chris, that my hunger for His Word just keeps getting bigger. I find myself rested in His presence, supported by His people, and not alone at all. Coming here I've been holding on to this hope, that God has work for me to do here. And true enough, He sent a call in a personal way, reminded me over and over again that i am here for a greater purpose. though i know this to be the truth, i struggle each day in believing it, in not being deceived by the devil that all i am is a failure, useless, unworthy, a kid. psalm after psalm just sends one common message, i hear God saying so clearly "Here I am, trust Me, Trust Me." with this upcoming exam, with whatever relationships with people that may come my way, with a ministry He's calling me to, with my whole life, with the lives of those dear to me, He's just saying "Trust Me.".

and man that is easier said than done, but so often i see myself back again reading my precious moments Bible, with nothing left to do but trust in Him. cause life can be hard, and painful, but in every situation God will always still be God.

so Lord, teach me i pray to always trust in You for i know You have promised me that "The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusted in Him and i am helped". and Lord, i pray that You would mold me, more and more each day, send me challenges, keep me on my knees, that at the end of my life, i can look back and see how You strengthened me to be more and more like You. You see my eagerness to move forward O Lord, to be at the place where the dreams You have for me come true. but where i am now is far more important than the final victory, cause i know every step i take now is leading up to that. so use me God i pray while i'm waiting, in little ways, in huge ways, in any way you want that can make me be a blessing to Your people, that can let those who don't know You see how real Your love is through me. thank You so much Lord that i have You in my life and that that promise is for forever.

coming here, my sister told me that only the closest of close friends will survive the distance. true enough, some friendships have wavered, others i know are quietened for a moment but will just grow even better when we're all home, and a rare few have blossomed to heights i never imagined. and i just know they'll keep growing! and having said that, the words that keep playing in my head now are just, "i am so so blessed, thank You God." :)

give me a servant heart Lord i ask, and never let me lose my hope in Your people, never let me forget how much they can acheive in You and how truly, truly beautiful they are. also Lord, i pray for humility, and a teachable spirit that i may keep learning and being inspired by those further along in their walk with You, yet never ever underestimating what i can learn from the most unlikely places.

for people who's had 'deep' conversations with me lately, you know how i feel like in so many areas, i've tried.. and failed. just haven't been seeing any results. but this week's sermon again encouraged me, as pastor russell reminded people that God's not done with His call yet. He said those exact words "i tried.", and said that God has not yet called us to stop trying. that made me feel lk WHOAAA. so yes Lord, i'll answer that, i'll keep believing, i'll keep pushing through and i KNOW and i BELIEVE and DECLARE that one day, Your rain will come and i will get to see the miracles i'm praying for come to past. here's something else that encouraged me today..

"Then they said to the woman, "Now we believe, not because of what you have said, for we have heard for ourselves and know that this is indeed the Christ, the Saviour of the world."
- John 4:42

i think that's pretty much all i have to say for now, just the random blend of thoughts in my mind. God bless you wherever you are dear reader, and for those having exams, all the best! :)

with heaps of love,
candice :)

the beauty of rain

2011-06-03T11:37:00.003+08:00

Dear Lord,

Today i just really wanna thank You for all the people who have chosen to invest in my life, in little but meaningful and amazing ways, through letters, emails, skype calls, texts, facebook posts. I've never felt more blessed to have these people in my life. thanks God. and now we gotta head to school Lord! :P

Amen! :)

cause if i just say thank you, i might be saying it out of politeness, or from the spur of the moment.
but if i thank God for you... you know i really mean it. <3

The beauty of rain is that it makes every ray of sunlight clearer and all the more wonderful.

love a bunch,
MEEE! :)

none but the brave deserve the fair

2011-06-03T11:08:00.001+08:00

One of the most common – and most beautiful – attributes amongst Christian ladies is a desire to nurture. A desire to comfort, and encourage, and serve.
In the right context, this is an amazing, Godly aim. In the wrong context, it will really mess you up.
What tends to happen for a lot of Christian gals is that they see a guy who is – and this is a theological phrase – a wounded puppy. He’s sad and discouraged and probably wants something spiritual in his life but isn’t sure how that would work for him and aw shucks and who’s-to-say. And, for these Christian gals, that desire to nurture kicks in. Problem is, it quickly transitions to a desire to date said wounded puppy. And this will not work.
There’s a line from an old poem that says, “None but the brave deserve the fair.” Ladies, I want you to emblazon this on your subconscious minds. None but the brave deserve the fair.
Why do I say this? Because a Christian woman deserves to be with a Godlyman. Not a boy, not a teenager, not an adolescent. A man.
And, make no mistake, being a man isn’t about chronological age. It’s about personal and spiritual maturity. Here are some benchmarks to consider:
- A man is not looking for and does not need you to fix him. He’s already working things out with the Lord – just the two of them.
- A man knows where he stands spiritually.
- A man is confident in who he is and what he brings to the table.
- A man has the humility to know what his weaknesses, limitations, and growing-edges are, and is addressing them.
- A man knows where he’s going in life – following the Lord – and isn’t willing to get off course for you or anyone else.
So, then, what does that look like lived out?
- A man will meet you and spend some time getting to know you. He will pray for you and about you, and seek counsel from people farther along in the Lord than himself. He will not rush into anything. When he has a firm word from the Lord that this is a relationship from the Lord – and not before – he will move forward.
- He will summon the courage to ask you out on a date. He will not hem and haw, he will not say, “hey, maybe we should hang out, you know, sometime.” He will say, “I’d like to take you out for dinner. On a date. What do you say?”
- He will tell you how he feels about you. And I’m not talking, “So, you seem cool, and, yeah, it’s cool to hang out.” I’m talking, “You need to know that I’m crazy about you. I admire the heart you have for the Lord and the lost. I respect your walk. I value your authenticity. And I think you’re hot as all get out. If that doesn’t work for you, I understand, but you should know where I’m coming from.”
- A man will insist that both of you go to the Lord and ask for wisdom on what the Lord wants the physical boundaries to be for this relationship.
- A man will then insist that those boundaries are followed whether you like it or not. And if you start to get out of pocket, he will say, “Darling, don’t try and start something I won’t let you finish.” And he will mean it.
Everything I’ve just described requires courage. It requires bravery. It takes a man to pull it off.
And if there’s a dude out there that can’t man up, then he doesn’t deserve you. God does not want you to settle, and trust me, you don’t need to.
Remember, sisters: None but the brave deserve the fair.

got this off sarah's blog. pretty good stuff! :) kay, i gotta run now. byebye! :)

caught in Your grace like an avalanche

2011-06-02T19:31:00.002+08:00

Never Give Up by Josh Bates

Time after time you’ve been left behind
like the sun when it’s starting to rain
Time after time you’ve been forgotten
like a picture that’s faded with age
Time after time you ran after me
when I was still running away

You never give up on me
No, You never give up on me
Though I’m weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No, you never, never give up on me

Time after time I’ve used your grace
as a way to do what I please
I’ve taken for granted prayers that you answered
never been all I could be
You are holding out your hands
and now I clearly see

You always erase all my mistakes
You lift me up when I'm down
Through all the ages, Your love never changes
You welcome me just as I am

byebye! :) <3

day seven

2011-05-29T18:25:00.002+08:00

thank You Lord, for the amazing message in church today that came exactly on time. this morning i woke up late for 2nd service at church, in which a different speaker was speaking than in 3rd. so, i ended up going for 3rd instead, and pastor ben's message blew me away because i felt like God told him to speak about that to reach out to me (and other particular people). He spoke about Joshua and his team marching around the wall and how it came tumbling down on the seventh day because people did not give up hope.

"Your day 7 is coming! Until then, keep believing, keep praying, and keep standing strong."

i think that this is by far the first time i've felt so moved by a message because of how befitting it is to my current season. and i am just so in awe and grateful towards God. :)

"the testing of your faith develops perseverance"

very blessed,
candice :)

getting the hang of it

2011-05-29T00:09:00.002+08:00

:) was encouraged by someone from my past today. but i'm gonna keep growing to become even stronger and even more faithful than she was, never forgetting her ever.

i realized we gotta know what it is we're fighting for in life then go for it full force if we think it's worth it. and there will come winds that try to blow you down, waves that try to swallow your spirit and thunder that tries to crush you completely. but you need to realize, the way i did, that you're stronger than you think. within you lies untapped strength and courage that can do great things. born in the image of our Heavenly Father, wouldn't it be obvious that we are more than just robotic beings? we are more than incapable humans. we can stop wars and save lives and move these great gigantic mountains in life, because we are the children of God that are called to greater things. we think the mountains we have to move are like bringing world peace or abolishing slavery, but more abundant than those mountains, are the ones we face everyday. shame, anger, pain, revenge, hate, laziness, greed. these are the personal battles we must each face and fight, hard. what i'm saying is life isn't easy. it really isn't at all. But God's here for You if you'll let Him, and He's saying "let Me walk you through it".
- Me, July 1, 2010

i wish i was home right now. there are a lot of people and things i miss, but still, i'm not gonna let the devil steal my joy from being here. true joy exists only in the present. :) i'm glad to say though that i'm starting to feel more and more like the overly-happy me again, in urban life and in uni too even. recently i've been called clown, hyper, random, names i've come to forget that were mine. i'm already nearly done with my first semester in uni, and i find myself looking back already to the girl that first came to australia. people i look up to have been telling me stuff about how time flew for them, and i know that it won't be long before that's me too. i think the secret's in taking life day by day, searching for the present joy in it, accepting whatever loneliness, sadness or pain that comes with it but always, always looking for the silver lining. i can't wait for the day i can look back and see the work God's done through me, and just be so, so amazed.

God's been good though. :) He sure wasn't kidding when He said He'd never leave me. thanks God. :)

"When the first love was thwarted, then there was just a chance that in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow."
- C. S Lewis in The Great Divorce

i realized that in life, we often have to give up one dream to watch another blossom into life, hanging on to only the precious few we truly desire. some people manage to juggle all their dreams, but is it really better to be a jack of all trades, master of none? watching cirque du soleil made me remember my dream to be in a circus, where your job is essentially to just.. be happy. be happy and make people happy, (whilst performing crazy cool tricks). i think i'd like that. but even putting aside how completely unqualified i am for that, i gave up that dream for another. gave it up, for the dream of letting God move through me to touch lives, in a different way, by a path that isn't always easy, doesn't always feel fulfilling but undoubtedly amazing. i know He'll bring me there one day, to the point where i get to see my dreams come true. and that He'll call me home when He's done. :) till then Lord, send me, i will go. :)

i'll be home semi-soon, and i'm thinking of what gene said "after people didn't even realize i was gone". Lol, the though of it's funny, but really man, what if? guess i'm pretty scared of going back also, things aren't the same anymore. people have changed, moved on, new buildings might be up, shops i loved may have disappeared, and i scared home will still be an unfamiliar place. nevertheless though, home is where the remaining 3/5 of my family is, and no matter how much the rest of the world has changed in these few odd months, i know they'll always be welcoming me and my sister back with open arms. :)

till next time,
candice

the window

2011-05-25T21:23:00.002+08:00

People say that when God closes a door, He opens another. or a window. And i guess that proved so true for me tonight. :) i'll be honest, it has been so so difficult here. definitely without a doubt though, i have had good memories and good new friends, it's just every moment i'm alone again is a reminder that well.. i'm alone again. ahah make sense ar? yet God knows what we need. He knows exactly when we need it too, and tonight at urban life, i was just so so SO BLESSED by the six other girls in that room. God brought me out of my comfort zone to an unfamiliar land, but He blessed me with this particular Urban Life to give me the support i needed. He let me fall, but He made sure people He trusted with my life were there to pray for me, pick me up and help me stand again, stronger than before. thanks urbies, and most importantly, thank You Dad. :)

today mei ying talked about letting go, and guarding your heart. and i knew what i had to let go off. so, to a friend that doesn't really know how much i was hurt by her actions, i forgive you. i knew it was time, i've been holding it in me for too long now, and because of that i overlooked God's offering of peace to me. the peace of letting go, forgiving and trusting in Him. For the first time in a while, i feel.. liberated. :)

Gosh i'm so thankful and blessed to have ULU-13 in my life now. <3

i realized a couple days back a question that came to my head.

do you (reader/me) think i would be who i am today if i didn't have God in my life?

DEFINITELY NOT. i know that everything good about me right now is of God and from Him. looking back and seeing His gentle hands guide the way really humbles me and leaves me in awe of Him. sometimes people wonder why i'm so 'holy' or why i believe in God at all. well, He's been so so real to me, showing me His glory and love and beauty in everyday things, in the words He whispers to me, in the love He put in people for me. He's not just a figure from an old book, He's been speaking to me everyday, showing me He loves me, planning my every step all for a greater future. and to quote C.S Lewis, I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

thank You Lord, for Your peace in my time of chaos. I will ever praise You, Lord. :)

extremely blessed,
candice

like the raging sea

2011-05-22T21:19:00.003+08:00

i miss writing. just writing long long long posts bout dunno whats. haven't had much to write about lately, except pretty much the same thing. ahha.

i miss what i used to wear to college. from the first few days of trying to look extra nice with earrings and bracelets, to just normal clothes, to shorts everyday. but yea, i miss mah shorts and skirts! it's too cold here for those. :/

i miss takeaway! :D

i really miss those morning prayer meetings every weekday in college, the times we'd have friend day where apparently i always prayed for the same friend lol, worship day where so many people would gather to hear us sing to God, and just the ordinary days where we could share our problems and receive prayer as we needed it. i wish i could go for one of those right now. :')

yea.. i don't really have much to say this time. :P but still, God bless yiuuU! :)

here's something i'm looking forward too though! :D :D :D much thanks to bea che che! :D

from here,
candice :)

lessons learnt

2011-05-21T23:38:00.005+08:00

here's ten things i've learnt recently:

1. Boots keep you really warm, and as opposed to my previous judgment, leggings are AWESOME.

2. Mindfulness. hahahah to accept craig hassed's advice is to just allow myself to feel whatever, love, joy, loneliness, peace, sadness, and then move on.

3. "I'll just sleep for ten minutes" NEVER WORKS unless i'm in the library.

4. The time of the day i pray in tongues the most is when i'm absolutely terrified walking home in the dark.

5. How to make french toast and make it GOOD.

6. NOT how to do a somersault, still working on this one!

7. That more people believe in me than i let myself think sometimes.

8. That hot soup tastes so good here, and whatever that tastes like home. :)

9. That in life, people do let you down, especially when you least expected it and needed them most. But that when i least want to, i let people down too.

and most importantly..

10. That in every season, God is still God, and I have a reason to worship.

still, it was really nice hanging out with gene and wenshi today. :) haven't seen those boys in a while! haven't done a lot of things in a while actually, take ugly pictures, run across the street following the crowd and not the light, KNOWING wenshi is gonna scold me as soon as he crosses too, eat roti telur (first time actually :P) and much more i guess. :) feels quite good indeed! :D

have a good day dear reader,
candice! :D

words of blessing

2011-05-19T18:16:00.006+08:00

they come in song lyrics too! :) thanks Jesus Culture!

Cause one thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up,
It NEVER runs out on me.

<3

freezinggggg!

with banyak sayang daripada saya! :)

for the first time in a very long time..

2011-05-16T19:54:00.003+08:00

.., i'm gonna do my devotion cause i need it so badly, not just out of duty. throughout the stress of work piling up today, and just the disappointment of trying but not excelling makes me feel so frustrated at myself and exhausted. and today, i know i need God to give me peace, i need Him to help me through this, i need Him cause without Him, i know i cannot do this.

Please God, do it again.

love,
candice

hope for the moment

2011-05-15T22:53:00.003+08:00

once again, i find myself at a place of being encouraged by my old blog posts, of reading over and over and over again how God has been so faithful to me, pulling me through each obstacle coming out the other end stronger and wiser. some days that all that keeps me going, knowing God is holding my hand with me through this season of disorder. these really encouraged me.

"so how are you looking at your life today? when everything seems to be falling apart, know that God is working in you. know that He's up to something bigger, greater than you've ever imagined. and that in the years to come, you'll see how all the puzzle pieces of your life fit into place.. perfectly. :) and even as you're stuck in the NOW, take a look at your life, through different eyes. keep praying, and keep the faith. God is moving. :)

therefore, i no longer want to be committed to my dream. i have decided to be committed to God's dream for me, no matter the cost. though i may stumble and fall and break down along the way, i know that no other road but this one will offer me the utmost satisfaction and joy and fulfillment from having lived at all."
- December 2010

"because i have a God to turn to when i don't know the answers, i am free.
because i believe in a God that is with me through joys and tears, i am free.
because my God died to redeem me, i am free.
i am free, now and forevermore.
and sometimes i will not get to do what i want to do, i will not get the instant gratification i desire, but it will be such, because God intended a better life of deeper joy for me.
a life that requires.. patience."
- December 2010

"Give the world your best and it may not be enough, give the world your best anyways."
- Mother Teresa
This was a very timely reminder for me, remembering to ALWAYS give my BEST always for others, especially if it means never receiving anything in return.

"Every mountain must move out the way
Because of Your name
Because of Your name, Jesus
Every situation must bow
Bow to Your name,
Bow to Your name"
- The song we sang today which title i don't know :P

"in times of despair, God asks, "am I not still God?""

.. just to name a few more recent ones. be blessed dear reader! :)

love,
candice

today i miss..

2011-05-14T19:36:00.003+08:00

.. being so so SO uncool but never ever feeling not cool enough. i can't wait to be home guys. :)

home

2011-05-14T11:11:00.004+08:00

nothing like petronas advertisements to make me miss home. :)

love,
candice! :D

ULU 13

2011-05-11T21:53:00.007+08:00

i find it absolutely humbling to be in an urban life with all these amazing people. everyone of them has shown me friendliness, kindness and love from day 1, and there's just SO so many people, ALL OF THEM in fact, that i look up to for the qualities, strength, obedience and especially love for God that they have. i'm learning so much from you guys. :) i <3 ULU 13! :D

even as people i've just come to know and truly appreciate in my life are about to leave, mun yee, dita, jon.. i realized that it isn't God taking you guys away from me too quickly, but instead that He has so greatly blessed me by have letting me known you at all, for however long we have had together. i'm really excited for the greater plans He has in store for you. :) thank You God, for blessing me with these beautiful, awesome group of people in the midst of my storm. all glory to You! :D

<3,
candice

beauty in the unfamiliar

2011-05-05T17:54:00.004+08:00

yesterday i had a really... peaceful day. it's strange really, no other word to describe it. after the health enhancement tutorial i had in the morning, i left for my GP site visit in Berwick. to get there, i had to take a bus then a train then another bus, all in places i've never been before, all unfamiliar territory. it was a bit intimidating at first, but then i came to see it as such an adventure! lol, especially since one of the things i've always wanted to do was ride a train somewhere, anywhere i've never been and just.. explore. see how people live and such. and just travelling for like one and a half hours alone brought me such.. peace. i got to watch people, smile at strangers, help people who weren't sure of their way and just soak in the fact that right now at least, life is good. i wish i was more daring though, to talk to people i didn't know, see if i could have a conversation with them that would bless them for the day, or put a smile on their face. i passed so many faces that day, some of which remain in my head still. i remember the old grandfather pushing his granddaughter in a stroller nudging her to call me che che. i remember the aged couple walking together into and off the train, slowly but together, and how the lady joked about dandenong being dande-long-legs. that really made me smile. i remember the old man at the bus stop who smiled and chatted with me for a bit about which bus he was gonna take, and the kind ladies that helped me find the bus stop in berwick. something bout journey felt really surreal for me. haha, i don't know why.

i reached the GP like an hour early, and i just kept on in that mood, of just observing the life and beauty all around me. the GP was really kind and nice to me, and helped me find the suitable patient for my case commentary. this awesome lady she found told me her story later on in another room, of how she fell into drugs and how tough her life was, yet now she worked as a social worker. i dared myself to ask the difficult questions, encourage her. but it was harder for me than awkward for her i think, cause she was just so friendly and open. so i asked, how she gave up drugs, not thinking it'd be related to my project, but just so eager to know about how human will can overcome so much. i told her not to be ashamed cause she's an inspiration to other people who are still lost. and she told me something i found really profound, that she knew it'd be a good testimony to others, but she didn't want to keep re-living her past by sharing her story to people everytime. she wanted to live out a new story now, a new chapter. and i guess that statement offered me a lot of perspective, that things weren't always as black and white as i figured.

and as we chatted too, i realized how everyone has a story to tell really. there are people i pass everyday without a second thought after, bus drivers, students, lecturers, just ordinary people. this lady was someone i would have just disregarded eventually too, yet she had such a brave story to tell. i never want to underestimate people, or judge them beforehand. some people i wouldn't have pegged to be 'good boys' are actually tutoring for free too. and it's just, so much wonder to take in, how truly beautiful people can be sometimes. i'm just amazed God. :)

oh and i got to see a pap smear during my visit! bit awkward but it was really educational!

anyways, left the GP feeling pretty good cause i got to meet so many people and my GP was just the nicest woman la. and i come out.. just to witness this HUGE rainbow in the sky. first thing i did, was say thanks to God. haha, it was a really good day for me, and i was just so relaxed at the end of it though. i loved looking out of the bus window seeing all unfamiliar sights, houses and people and dogs and malls. sigh.. :) i think it was one of the rare days i actually enjoyed being alone, took advantage of that in the sense that i could do anything i liked, talked to anyone i wanted to without awkwardness with a person i was with, who perhaps did not enjoy the day as much as me. i felt really.... free. i guess loneliness right now isn't too bad, and to some extent maybe i am the one inflicting it on myself. still, it's okay, i'm coming to terms with me being here away from the familiar. in the moments i am alone, walking to uni, going home after, studying in the library after hours, riding the train to the city, times like this, i get to reflect on who i am, what i am doing now, who i wanna be, my dreams, my loves, my passions, my future. i get to remember memories from long ago and just dwell on a moment from my past that made me laugh or smile or just a time when everything felt right. i may not be as stupit or crazy as i used to be, but it's okay, cause i'm learning so much more now still. i'm starting to understand it's not multiple-personality disorder, it's really just.. life. :) and it's bittersweet, always have been, always will be.

and i thought, i should really do this more often. like maybe once a month, just go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, simply to test my limits. to do things that scare me. yea.. i'm gonna try to do one thing a day that scares me. :)

there's alot of things about my future that i am so uncertain of, so much i can't imagine myself doing yet. even tutoring, i can't imagine what that's gonna be like, will it be tough? will i not have the courage or self-confidence to go on? what if i can't believe in my student? what if this, what if that? and just lately i think God's been sorta expanding(?) my spiritual gift? i've always thought my gift was compassion, and i have always felt for those who suffer. but now, it seems like there's so many people suffering around me, and i'm feeling it like never before, can't explain it. and i'm just so.. afraid of the years to come where i'll have to watch beautiful children go, and patients i've come to adore, i have to see people suffer day after day in the future. can i really do this? i'm really REALLY enjoying what i'm doing right now, meeting people, the stuff i'm learning. and at the GP i figured, it'd be pretty nice to be a GP too, to meet people and have the same patient coming to you for over 20 years? but deep down i knew that wasn't enough for me, i wanted to be at the front line, making my difference for people who needed help immediately, to keep working, doing everything i can to fix everything i can. wanted? want. that's what i want. but the trade-off for making that difference, for being stretched thin to be useful, is to watch firsthand day by day the people i cannot help, the ones who suffer in healing or dying, the ones i just have to watch as they fade away. with the passion to undergo this challenge is a crazy immense fear, of never-ending tears and personal pain. and i have to ask again God, can i do this? can I do this? the small rainbow kid? yet, knowing He's a prayer away gives me comfort, and strength, knowing some things i will learn along the way, and others have always been in me, waiting to be unearthed. where will i be in 10 years, 15? married with kids? on a mission in third world countries? in a hospital realizing maybe that's where God's calling me instead? a GP? i don't know, i absolutely don't know. and once again.. i think that that's okay. God's taking care of that for me. :)

Dear God, please teach me to let go. to help me be okay with not being able to fix everything, please be my comforter and strength as i watch myself be not enough time after time, but really just surrender every failure and every victory to Your hands. I will still trust You Lord.

recently like i said, i've been very touched by hurting people and horrible circumstances for them, and i asked God why. to be honest i got angry even, how He could let them hurt so badly, and even when they came to Him, some were still lost, tired, aimless. and then i remembered this shooting that happened in a primary school some years ago, and how when people demanded of the local pastor WHY, he said.. one thing's for sure, God's heart was the first to break. and i realized how self-righteous i thought i was in comparison to God. like how stupid does that sound now? i wouldn't have the capacity to feel such a way, i thought, if my Maker who made me in His image, didn't have those feelings too. and imagine how much more He hurt for the things i hurt for! i was just amazed at this revelation. time after time i've prayed Break my heart for what breaks Yours and now when He grants it, i wasn't wise enough to realize. man i'm just.. learning so much here and it's pretty amazing. i just pray that God will use me now in whatever way He wants to and that i never have to say no to Him again.
and i know, that He's watching over all the people i care for and worry about. :)

yea so right now, i really am living for the little things, trying to stretch myself out and make the most of this year. throughout last year i knew that it would be the best year i've had so far, which made it strange for me to hear some others say that it's been a tough year for them. four months in, i'll say that it's been a tough year, challenging, exciting, different. in the two and a half months i've been here, i've had so many ups and downs, days where i feel so alone i can't stand it, days i just want to be surrounded by the loud noise of my friends, days that were okay, magical days like yesterday, and days where i'm genuinely happy, genuinely noisy, genuinely crazy. but like i said, i realized that that's not all i am, it is not just stupitness that defines me, and i don't want to keep trying to define me, to write a resume to assure myself and the world that i am of value. i know i am valuable in the eyes of my Father, i know who i am.. most days. and i'm tired of trying to prove, and promote myself to the world. no more definitions, i gotta learn to take me as i am. no more wishing people knew the me before i came here, knew who i used to be. maybe this is what God meant when He told mei ying to tell me to let go. i live in an ocean of possibilities, and each moment i decide who i'm gonna be. and that alone shall be the basis of my image amongst those around me now. but yea, each day i know i'm growing stronger, each day i'm learning something new, and though i forget it sometimes, everyday i know i have something to thank God for.

thank You God, for showing me the beauty in the unfamiliar. :)

love heaps,
candice

thought for the day

2011-04-23T18:02:00.001+08:00

Sin Hurts

April 22, 2011

Our Daily Bread is hosted by Les Lamborn
READ: Hebrews 2:10-18

He poured out His soul unto death, and He was numbered with the transgressors, and He bore the sin of many. —Isaiah 53:12

Sooner or later we all feel the painful effects of sin. Sometimes it’s the weight of our own sin and the shame and embarrassment of having failed miserably. At other times, it’s the load of someone else’s sin that weighs us down—someone who betrayed, deceived, abandoned, ridiculed, cheated, or made a fool of us.

Think about a time when the weight of that guilt or pain was so heavy that you couldn’t pull yourself out of bed. Now try to imagine the heaviness of the combined grief that everyone’s sin has caused your family, your church, your neighborhood. Add to that all the suffering sin has caused everyone in your city, state, nation, and the world. Now try to imagine the accumulated grief that sin has caused throughout the centuries since creation.

Is it any wonder that the weight of all this sin began squeezing the life out of Jesus on the night He was called to bear it? (Matt. 26:36-44). The next day, even His beloved Father would forsake Him. No other suffering can compare.

Sin put Jesus to the ultimate test. But His love endured it, His strength bore it, and His power overcame it. Thanks to Jesus’ death and resurrection, we know beyond a doubt that sin will not and cannot win. —Julie Ackerman Link

:),
candice

missing you

2011-04-20T17:19:00.005+08:00

guess that homesickness never really goes away, sometimes it's stronger than other times, or other times i'd be okay for long periods of time, when i'm kept busy really. i've got that feeling, the one where i want to talk to everyone, but no one. where i can't stand being alone, but no one's near enough to just come bum with me. haha i'm not that emo right now really, just.. missing home, friends, me. can't remember the last time i snapped a close up of someone's face, or screamed about where to eat, or ran and danced on the road with three other 'perempuan gila', or brought our own candles to a 'candlelight dinner', or lou sang-ed on jalan bersih. :) just rewatching all those stupit old videos.. :')

these are some of the more recent events my mind wanders to when i'm walking alone. maybe this is what craig hassed means when he talks of mindfulness, you gotta keep ya mind on the present, cause that's where all the happiness lie. but i smile anyways looking back on all those memories, even think, wow, we used to do so many things! but i think that just might be what i miss the most, being so outta my mind happy all the time. maybe i'm just growing up now, maybe med culture needs more serious than high, maybe. :) i'm just talking in circles here. bottom line is, i really really miss you guys.

love,
candice

do it again Jesus

2011-04-14T20:57:00.004+08:00

when people told me that conference was a MUST-GO, i was 'oh sure. okay, sounds nice. :)'. when people described how last year's conference changed their lives, i started getting more excited. but in no way, was i expecting SO MUCH of God in this conference.

i was a bit hesitant about sharing this so publicly at first cause it was pretty personal for me, but i realized God gave me a testimony, and i'm gonna testify. Coming here, i really believed my relationship with God was okay, good even. and then i started attending planetshakers, and witnessing firsthand the faith of a people that could do so much by the power of God. week after week i saw testimonies of people regaining perfect eyesight, doing excellently in school, hip deformity healed and so much more. how humbling it truly was being in a place where miracles just kept happening because God was moving. and then i came for conference, and last night pastor benny perez made an altar call for everyone who wanted to see God start doing unusual miracles in their lives, to start living supernaturally. and as soon as i stood up where i was in the balcony, i began to shake. to be honest, it was prettay scary. i just couldn't stop shaking, like from my stomach, and it was like spasms la. and i just couldn't stop shaking. i knew i had something to receive from God that night. and when pastor benny perez said to come to the altar, i ran! i was so eager to get there, to receive my inheritance. and i hit my knee jumping over chairs and there's this MEGA ULTRA HUGE bruise there now. heh. anyways, i'm running and i'm still shaking, and i come to a stop. and pastor russell takes over and starts speaking God's power over everyone, and man i felt it. twice i was gonna be slain, but i couldn't just fall backwards cause there were people behind me. and oh that was the worst feeling ever, feeling God's power and yet not be able to just submit, cause i had to resist, cause no one was gonna catch me if i fell and people would probably be hurt by me too. so i stood there, just praying still, for God to move in me. and all this time i was praying in tongues like never before, like it wasn't even my own voice, and it felt so so natural and powerful and just.. amazing. after everyone was dismissed, i was still shaking all over and i just couldn't stop, and josh came up to me and offered me a hug. and i started crying and shaking still and i heard someone say okay i got her, and once again the power of God just hit me and there i was, lying on the floor, crying. all this time service was over and people were leaving, with the house lights on, and there i was on the floor, just crying and hungry and reaching out to God, praying for His touch. and after a while, the sobs started to quiet down, and i stood up, but i just could not stop shaking. i was so so blessed to have had mei ying, ann ee and josh there, praying for me and supporting me. in tears i told mei ying that i couldn't stop shaking, and she said to me, "that's the power of God.". and it hit me that night, how crazy powerful my God is, my God who'd walk with me through darkness and evil, my God who'd help me get into university, my God who held my life in His hands. and that night, was supernatural indeed. :) and i didn't stop shaking until i went to sleep, all the way home to clayton, even walking into the house, i was just shaking non-stop.

today i was ready for more. much more. and worship today was just so good! and God's presence was so thick in that place, and people were being healed, lives were being transformed, and all i could do was stand amazed and praise all the more. when pastor russell told all those who were healed to give a shout out of what they were healed of, so many people lifted their voices in praise to our King. there was such joy in me that i had to express, such wonder that i had to give thanks for. and God is just so so good! i don't want to ever stop falling in love with You Jesus, and i pray that You'd do it again, i pray for miracles to happen in the lives of those around me, just miracle after miracle testifying of Your goodness to a fallen people.

thank You for Your new mercies each day Lord, thank You for love, for peace, for Your authority over sin, for Your grace, and for Your people. You never stop amazing me, all glory be to You Lord. :)

i'm feeling so SO excited for what AMAZING future God's got in store for me. from these nights i learnt, that when God calls me, i will go, i must, because i just want to be wherever God is.

"Church should be the biggest party on earth!"
- Pastor Russell

and if you're reading this now and you're in melbourne, i really want to encourage you to come for tomorrow night, the last night (i think!). Don't miss out on a night that could change your life, and absolutely, don't miss out on a God that can change your heart, forever. oh how He loves you.

learning to love like Christ,
candice

courage to declare a 'not-yet'

2011-04-12T21:33:00.003+08:00

this came to mind today.

Do you believe in the power of prayer?
.... Yes, i do.
Then PRAY.

when you ask God for something, He answers you immediately, the man in the Bible story just had to travel the two more days to find out that God's promise had come true. :)

and i realized if God put me in a position where i'm fine and so many other people around me are hurting or in the darkness, if He put me here to intercede,then i will. :)

oh and i just remembered this today, as we sang "our hearts are waiting for You", i got the image of God in my head, and me as a little girl sitting at His feet like a father performing magic tricks for his daughter. and He kept coming up with better tricks, leaving the daughter excited, waiting for what is next. and i thought wow, that's just like me and God! everytime i think He can't make a bigger miracle happen, He does and i'm amazed once again. and my heart says, "what next God? what miracle will You perform next? i'm waiting for You." :)

love,
Candice

never settle

2011-04-11T17:16:00.002+08:00

thank You God, for showing me yet again today exactly why You have placed me here. thank You for continually humbling me with Your awesomeness is showing me the bigger picture, and for making me realize that i'm not just here to fulfill my dreams and come to my first-choice uni, but instead and maybe even more so, to do Your work with those around me. thank You Lord! :)

Love,
Your daughter

one life to love

2011-04-10T17:37:00.011+08:00

okay! here's my excited pack-ted post bout my weekend! :)

friday night i met up with...

.. for dinner and supper! it was so good seeing them again, or so i thought until i was neck-deep in insults. SCOFF. haha, but anyways, after really hot chilli in sambal malaysia and a good time reading michelle liew's letters, we decided to come back to my sister's place for supper. i baked them cookies! they helped. :P

they were YUMS! :)

then anyways, on saturday, me and my sister spent the day doing community gardening with sam's church City Life, at king's lake. it was one of the MOST rewarding and just good days i've ever had. :) so many testimonies came out of that day, and i mean really, all we did was garden and just because we did it with God, in obedience to Him, people were so so blessed by it, in return blessing us even all the more. the place that our group was assigned to belonged to a lady who had so much grief from the loss due to black saturday. and her house was just gone, all burnt down and the place had weeds and bricks all over. and so we got to work! :) even had an awesome barbecue up there for lunch, after which it was back to digging, pulling, wheelbarrowing. :) the lady that we helped that day was so touched and when we were gonna leave at the end of the day, she said that she was so blessed that we came to help her, especially since we didn't know her. and that the fact that we were willing to do so out of love, proved our God was real. :) it was really really heartwarming, inspiring and just heartbreaking too to hear her say such heartfelt words. sam said that what was so beatiful was that we're all running our own races in life, but just that we would stop a while, turn around and help this lady who has fallen down and cannot get back up again, that has given her hope again.

and then, by God's incredible hand among our work, He even planned the distribution such that this particular group would be assigned to a woman who was losing her eyesight, and would eventually lose it all i think. in this group, was this strong woman, who was completely blind, who went there to offer her help in weeding and her comfort. isn't God great, really? this lady that the group went to help was so so blessed and inspired by seeing christine(the blind woman) help her weed her garden, and that act offered her hope, and the strength to go on. this testimony really made me eyes water, cause of how God is so amazing and beatiful and wonderful that He'd arrange for this woman to be blessed by one of His warriors on that day, knowing it was exactly what she needed.

i then remembered this.
“'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment.And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"
- Matthew 22:36-39

isn't that all God has commanded us to do? to love God and to love people, if we would put that absolutely first, i am certain that we will be in line with what He calls us to do. i have been reminded of the power of just loving God and loving people, and watching the incredible miracles that flow from that. God is great and His mercy is endless truly. and i'm just so blessed to be able to know this, and have this conviction in my life. all i can pray for is that God would deepen my love for others and more so for Him more and more, and that He would use me for far greater things for His glory.

sam's lifegroup + me and my sister
i had so much fun with these people! they're all such nice people, and i am so blessed to have met them that day too. i hope i get to make it for sam's lifegroup one day! hahah. :P

the team i went with, everybody was just so awesome la. so funny too! at the end of the day, strangers had become friends, and there was water and chips and laughs being thrown around. :) thank You Lord for a beautiful, beautiful day!

me and my sister! edited by raylene, haha thanks raylene! :) i'm so glad i have her here with me, to guide me through being here and for being a figure i can look up to too. :) thanks che! thanks to you and sam, i've met so many people i don't think i would have otherwise, people including you two, who challenge me to be better, love more, grow more, and to never let go of what makes me me. <3!

today my sister and i followed sam to City Life too, and i like what the pastor said about what kind of God would follow His people into the darkness, the one thing He hates the most? our God. our God indeed. :) He not only followed us into it when we sinned to save us, He kicked its butt too when Jesus died for our sins! :D

oh and how awesome is it that i can run to gene's place in like 5 minutes from my sister's place to pass him stuff? hahahahha! :D

so yea, i had a pretty awesome weekend. totally looking forward to being a tutor now, i passed! :D i hope i have the time to juggle everything, but i believe i will. cause God's on my side. :) and the Holy Spirit will be with me to help me juggle and get through this, i have faith in this! and next week's planetshakers conference! gosh i am SO excited!! thank You God for arranging awesome possum friends that can help me get here to the city on time for the night sessions, and for my wednesday off too! thanks for everything God! i love You heaps! :)

remembering that all goodness starts with love,
candice :)

i dare you!

2011-04-06T18:51:00.004+08:00

i realized just now how i'm starting to conquer (sort of) a lot of my fears. in most cases, i'd always imagine the worst scenario. like before coming here, i imagined a psycho homestay family who feeds me maggi only, and maybe even like grounded bugs or something. hahah, that was pretty stupid i guess.... i know. anyways i'm thinking back of how i've started sitting public transport alone here, walking back home when it really dark out already and streetlights are scarce (this STILL scares me a lot!), walking half an hour along the highway to a shopping mall, away from home, family and friends, fitting in into med school and a whole new environment, eating my veggies, volunteering to tutor a stranger in a suburb i have no idea about.. but i still can't deal with spiders.

anyways, it's pretty interesting to find myself testing my limits, really shedding my small-girl skin. and yet i know, that there are so SO much more fears left for me to overcome in the future. i can imagine myself already crying in the hallways of a deserted hospital at night when a life is lost, imagine the pain when someone tells me they're gonna go with the abortion, imagine the hurt to see a child come to the hospital bruised from abuse. or even just the expectations to always do the right thing, or to get really good grades, or to see and examine a cadaver. how far can i stretch really? i know there'll be a day when i look back and think, 'you did it girl! you really did it. :)'. but til' then, i'll just have to live up to those fears. to learn step by step, to stretch bit by bit, and to never stop challenging myself to be braver, tougher, stronger.

today i just remembered what yee sam told me on the orientation day at taylor's last year. it was so random, but sweet. he told me that i'm super holy wey, and that he thinks only the Pope can be a good match for me. =.='' but then he said, "i think any guy that can get you is damn lucky lor." aww. somehow i never forgot that. just reminded me that even on the days i can't bear to be me any longer, and i even forget how much God loves me, that if a friend, not even a super-duper close one at that, can see something in me, then maybe there is something better in me, about me than i thought. i doubt you'll ever read this, but thanks yee sam! :)

and.. i'm gonna go study now.

i love these images from www.be-the-change.tumblr.com !

BYE PEEPS! :D

warm fuzzy quotes

2011-04-05T17:57:00.004+08:00

here are a couple of quotes, some contextual, that i just liked, others just my favourite scenes in movies/books. :)

"Dear Betty, I came to Wellesley because I wanted to make a difference. But to change for others is to lie to yourself. My teacher, Katherine Watson, lived by her own definition and would not compromise that, not even for Wellesley. I dedicate this, my last editorial, to an extraordinary woman, who lived by example and compelled us all to see the world through new eyes. By the time you read this, she'll be sailing to Europe, where I know she'll find new walls to break down, and new ideas to replace them with. I've heard her called a quitter for leaving and aimless wanderer. But not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image. I'll never forget you. "
- Mona Lisa Smiles

"He didn't know what death held in store for him. But he knew that it wouldn't be life, and that was good enough. He had not felt anything since the day Aimee had died. The day when, like an idiot, he had chosen to play the hero, first dragging his fiancee from the wreckage and then going back to rescue the driver of the other car moments before it burst into flames. By the time he'd returned to Aimee, she was already gone. She'd died, alone, while he was off being Superman. Some hero he had turned out to be, saving the wrong person. He threw the empty bottle onto the floor of his .Jeep and put the car into gear, tearing out of the parking lot like a teenager. There were no cops around--there never were, when you needed them--and Ross accelerated, until he was doing more than eighty down the single-lane divided highway. He came to a stop at the railroad bridge, where the warning gate flashed as its arms lowered, slow as a ballerina. He emptied his mind of everything except inching his car forward until it broke the gate, until the Jeep sat as firm on the tracks as a sacrifice. The train pounded. The tracks began to sing a steel symphony. Ross gave himself up to dying, catching a single word between his teeth before impact: Finally. The sound was awesome, deafening. And yet it moved past him, growing Doppler-distant, until Ross raised the courage to open his eyes. His car was smoking from the hood, but still running. It hobbled unevenly, as if one tire was low on air. And it was pointed in the opposite direction, heading back from where he'd come. There was nothing for it: with tears in his eyes, Ross started to drive. "
- Second Glance by Jodi Picoult

"Sitting across from her, nervously wringing each other's hands, were Mr. and Mrs. De la Corria. "Good news," Meredith said with a smile. In the decade she'd been doing preimplantation genetic diagnosis, she'd learned that the only thing more stressful for a couple than in vitro fertilization was waiting for the results of the tests that led up to it. "There are three viable embryos." Carlos De la Corria was a hemophiliac. Terrified to pass the disease on through his offspring, he and his wife had opted for assisted reproduction, in which embryos were created from their own sperm and eggs and then genetically screened by Meredith. Before the embryo was put into the mother's uterus, she would know that her baby did not possess the gene for hemophilia. "How many are boys?" asked Carlos. "Two." Meredith looked him in the eye. The gene for hemophilia was carried on the X chromosome. That meant a male child born to the De la Corria's would not be able to pass on his father's illness. In effect, if they had only boys, they'd stamp out hemophilia in future generations of their family. Carlos lifted his wife from the chair and whirled her around Meredith's small office. ... Mrs. De la Corria sank down in her chair again, still breathless. "The girl?" she asked softly. "The third embryo tested is, in fact, a carrier. I'm sorry," Meredith replied. Carlos squeezed his wife's hand. "Well, then," he said optimistically. "It looks like we'll be having twin boys. ..... "Dr. Oliver?" A knock on the door, followed by her secretary. "The De la Corrias signed this release." Without looking, Meredith knew what it was--permission for Generra to discard their third, female embryo. "They should wait until after implantation. There's a chance that the in vitro won't take, and then..." Her voice drifted off. And then, it would make no difference. The De La Corrias would rather be childless than utilize this damaged embryo. The baby would not be hemophiliac herself.., in all likelihood she'd be a perfectly healthy girl with her mother's shining hair and her father's chestnut eyes. But she had the potential to pass the illness to her own male children one day, and given that, her parents would rather she never be born."
- Second Glance by Jodi Picoult

"We've got a world of people dying for others to love them, a world of people who need the supernatural touch of Jesus."
- Pastor Alex

" I'm a beta-thalassemia carrier, so you cannot be one also. If not, our kids will have it."
- Isaac to me (LOL!)

"And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
- The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis

" He supposes that the Enemy, like himself, sees some things as present, remembers others as past, and anticipates others as future; oe even if he believes that the Enemy does not see things that way, yet, in his heart of hearts, he regards this as a peculiarity of the Enemy's mode of perception - he doesn't really think that the way the Enemy sees things are as they are! If you tried to explain to him that men's prayer today are one of those innumerable coordinates with which the Enemy harmonises the weather of tomorrow..."
- The Screwtape Letters by C.S Lewis

" The reason why it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.
When i look at you, i see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you haved lived. And i know i have spent every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. and then. For a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say goodbye.
I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly goodbye, i know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before."
- The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks

there are other quotes i wanted to post up but i'm either too lazy to go hunting for them or i just can't remember. :P til' next time! :)

three idiots and a statue. <3 :)

love,
candice

pro life

2011-04-04T17:25:00.002+08:00

i really like this err.. article(?) my tutor showed us in CBL today! :)

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

we've been talking a lot in uni about living with a disability, and parents living with children with disability. and i am definitely anti-abortion too, cause there's so much beauty in life, even one seen through different eyes, or even not through physical eyes at all. there are so many things about this world that leaves me breathless sometimes, with how amazing and beautiful it is, hints of the supernatural. somedays it's the simple act of love where a mother kisses her kids on the bus, or when a father rubs his daughter's back cause she's vomitting. other days it's the more extraordinary miracles, where people overcome addiction, leaves are turned and lives are saved. watching miracles happen in church, in various youtube videos, all by God's power and grace, bring me to tears almost everytime. i loved this video i found on sarah's tumblr too! :)

andd.. i should be studying now.

andd.. it got SO DARK at 6.30 today! so scary walking home. :S

andd.. it's still freezing here.

andd.. class at 9 tomorrow. YIPPEE.

love heaps,
candice

prayer

2011-04-03T18:03:00.003+08:00

is it really as simple as that, the solution to all my troubles, to get down on my knees, to surrender it all to God, to pray?

wow. :)

i've been falling in love with God all over again lately, seeing how awesome He is in the lives of people around me, feeling His presence soak my soul in church, being blessed by all His goodness and surrounded by His people, feels amazing. NOTHING can compare to this awesomeness, this wonder and beauty, this God of mine who loves.. unendingly. :)

i'm starting to feel even more excited to be here, i believe i've so much to learn, so much to do for God here. can't wait! :D

i like what my sister was telling us that day, that God wants to be able to say to us that "through you I can do anything". awesome huh!

real men fight on their knees. :)

Dear Lord, for everyone out there lost, suffering, tired, on the verge of giving up completely, i pray that You would surround them and fill them with Your love the way You filled me and made me whole again. only You can bring them true peace i understand that now, thank You Lord for being faithful even when we aren't. heal our land Lord i pray, Amen! :)

Heal our land,
We need your touch,
Restore us, restore us,
We need Your touch again
Arise arise, around us shine
Finally, hope is here
HOPE IS HERE
- Heal our Land, Planetshakers

"You are the strength of my life Lord,
It doesn't matter what may come my way.."
-Planetshakers

with so much loveee,
candice :D

where do you draw the line?

2011-03-28T17:11:00.004+08:00

"Majorities do not decide what is right or wrong. Your conscience does. So why should a citizen surrender his or her conscience to a legislator? No, we must never, ever kneel down before the tyranny of a majority."
- The Great Debaters

i love that quote! today in our pretty heated discussion in CBL, i was pushed to think about a lot of ethical issues regarding the abortion of a child with a genetic disease. and in a lot of the heated ethical discussions, the question is usually always, "where do you draw the line?" which of these would be considered a crime? murder, abortion, discarding embryos that carry a genetic disease. at what point of a life, is killing it.. wrong? and who are we really, to be the ones to decide a person shouldn't be worth living just because they'd have a disability? does having one make them that much less of a human? and i remember reading a story once about a couple who decided to go through with a pregnancy where the baby was genetically diseased like the mum, but they realized that if everyone who had the condition had never been born, that would have been such a shame(for blur people, cause the husband loves the wifee????).

i guess i'm coming to terms with the fact that i have strong opinions, and beliefs, largely due to my faith. i know abortion is wrong cause the Bible says do not murder, and that God has a plan for everyone. i know even people with disabilities deserved to be born because God loves everyone and knew them before they were even born. I know it's wrong to have sex before marriage, and that all things are permissible but not all beneficial. it's a bit hard i guess, being in a profession where my opinion will only be that much, my opinion. i can't force a woman to keep her baby when she doesn't want to, or fight for a person's life as a professional. it's just.. an unexpected challenge.

and i started thinking about this, what is it that makes us human? and i realized, as cheesy as this may be AT FIRST hear me out, the capacity to love and be loved. what make a baby human would be the love of his/her parents, and all the love he or she will eventually receive and give as a person. we all live to be loved don't we, and without that support of a friend, the love from our families, the kindness of a stranger, and above all, the extravagant unending love of our Saviour, what are we living for really? a good job? money? luxury? no way man.

so yea.. that's pretty much the thoughts bubbling in my head. as for life here, it's been getting better. i'm starting to find my footing, expanding my horizons a bit, and testing my limits. God's got something WAY BIGGER than i expected sending me here! :)

love LOADS,
candice

life of praise

2011-03-21T16:41:00.000+08:00

i love this song, i hope you're blessed by it! :) lyrics are in the previous post. :)

love,
candice

hope of all hearts

2011-03-20T17:10:00.003+08:00

Hope of All Hearts by Planteshakers

The world may fade
You will remain
In the midst of the trial
You will always be, I'll sing
Our God never fails
Our God never fails

With hope and light
You reign over all
Though my heart may fail
You will always be, I'll sing
Our God never fails
Our God never fails

Praise in the morning
Praise in the evening
Praise when I'm laughing
Praise when I'm grieving
There will be dancing
There will be singing
Upon injustice we will tell of our God

The hope of all hearts
The hope of all hearts Is you
Your love never fails
Your love never fails

With hope and light
You reign over all
Though my heart may fail
You will always be all the same
Our God never fails
Our God never fails

The hope of all hearts
The hope of all hearts Is you
Your love never fails
Your love never fails

In darkness,
In trial, my soul shall sing
Of his mercy, and kindness
Our offering of praise
Our God never fails
Our God never fails

i knew i had to go up to that altar today, and just surrender, tell God i cannot do this by myself. there was such a great desire in me to serve with everything i had, to lay it all down for His glory. i've been living very unpurposefully these last few months, just all about settling in, making it through each day. but i don't wanna live like that anymore. i wanna go His way, do His will, watch miracles happen everyday in my lives and more importantly, in the lives of those around me. to be honest, i was quite pleased with my spiritual level(?) last year, i could sense God a lot, and He made so many miracles happen. but i grew complacent, accepted that as good enough, but coming here, being emptied, i realized how much more i can go in this, how much deeper i want to fall in love with this great God, how much more i want to be a steward of Christ before i am a student, before i am anything else. everytime i walk up the altar, my biggest fear is receiving, feeling God's presence, but just for the moment. of feeling the difficulty of praying when the music fades, when i'm back in my room, when the world is silent again. i still don't know how to overcome that, except by praying all the more harder i suppose.

i loved how the pastor said that God is not limited by time, and even as i fail over and over again, He knew when i would be able to make it. and when i finally do, He's there, cheering me on saying "I knew you could do it all along!" :') and of how God knew what made me me before i knew what made me me.

but i guess, what i'm trying to say is what i already have said, all the loneliness and awkwardness of the past month is made so worth it, to just be able to experience the peace of God in the midst of my storms. thank You Lord, amen! :)

and here's the CUTEST baby in the world! i wanted to pack her into my bag and bring her home with me today. :P

held by His love,
candice

the endless question of identity

2011-03-18T16:06:00.003+08:00

today i realized how 'small kid' i am and look. :P not sure if i'm too happy bout that, but oh well, i've been happy that way for preetty long anyways. still, like i've said a lot, not sure if i wrote it here before though, that i had already built a comfortable life in malaysia, good friends, family, FOOOD, spiritual support, opportunity to serve. and her i am starting from scratch. somedays i re-read the notes i received from my dearest friends, and i can't help feeling that the me they describe isn't really the same me i am now, and that's not in a good way. here i've to start from scratch re-building my identity, finding the me that fits into this environment, or stands out in a good way, one i'm happy with, one God would be proud of. but who would that be?

looking back at the old zoo, tugu negara, kl tour pics made me feel.. WAHH. i so happening last time wan ar? haha. and i'm afraid i eventually lose that stupit cina boy who'd snap close ups and get on mich and kor's nerves, and make elena whack me, and irritate lilian. i know i'm going in circles here.

still, life is okay here. i'm really blessed to be surrounded by good people, though jerks who make stupid sounds at me from their car still gets on my nerves, but still, mostly good people. :) i'm blessed to have found a lifegroup i'm comfortable in, with people i know will eventually become like family. i'm blessed to be here at all, studying, fulfilling my dreams. and i guess this really is the challenge God's put before me, to still dare to be me even when everything, EVERYTHING in my life has changed. will i still serve when i don't feel comfortable here yet? will i still be a good friend to whoever needs me whenever, even on days i just wanna come home and be alone? will i still praise God when the storms in my life overwhelm me?

and i miss really, being surrounded by people who really knew me, people who'd encourage me with the right words, because they've seen me overcome obstacles in me, because they know me enough to believe in me. kor says i miss being the center of attention. ahhahah maybe. :P but what really brought tears to my eyes was the honest prayer over me by a friend in my lifegroup. here's a guy i've never met before, who prayed that i would be a blessing to other people, for God to be with me as i struggle with loneliness and ended his prayer by thanking God for 'this amazing lady'. as many people including mrs sharon would say, i'm hardly ladylike. REGARDLESS, i was enormously blessed by that prayer that night. for so long, i've just wanted to be okay here, to remember what it felt like to have a friend's honest encouragement, to just fit in. but i remembered, that i'm not just here for me. :) i'm here to be obedient to God, to serve others, to study hard in order to be a blessing to others in the future. thank You God, for the love of strangers, for always being You even when i struggle to be me. I love You Lord! :)

don't forget this girl self! :)

love,
candice

fearless

2011-03-17T20:39:00.002+08:00

i started reading max lucado's book 'Fearless', though i have a feeling i read bits of it before, but oh well. and this thought hit me,

I would rather be here, alone and stressed and balding and cold, if it means seeing God. I would rather suffer than be happy, if it meant my pain would bring me closer to God. I am blessed, to have this opportunity to be with God, and rely on Him more than ever. :)

"I would have lost heart unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living,"
-Psalm 27:13.

I started going for lifegroup on thursday! it was awesome, i really felt very at home there, which is a very meaningful feeling for me right now. i'm just really glad, cause i suddenly feel God's plan for me falling into place again, a feeling i've hardly felt since i got my offer to come here. :) but things are starting to look up for me here, and like i said, the hardships just draw me even closer to God, the One who'll NEVER leave my side. :)

i can't wait to go home this july!! :D :D :D

and it's cold here.... BRRR.

love loads,
candice :)

i hate spiders

2011-03-11T15:04:00.003+08:00

CANDICE TOH STOP EATING MINT M&MS!

lately it doesn't take much to make me smile. :) mich's uncrunchy but yummy toast, a cute old man chasing the bus, nice aussies who talk to me like a person and not 'another asian' cause some of them can be pretty harsh sometimes :/, injecting fake skin, seeing flowers growing in the middle of nowhere on campus, cereal and milk in gene's apartment, love letters(well emails and posts really) from home, catching my bus home etc. but i guess, in retrospect, takes little to make me sad too. there's the sudden wave of homesickness i get, the time people fought in the bus (i HATE it when people fight and threaten to get physical), the stupit spiders and tarantula (it was HUGE K!), etc.

anyways, today we were discussing in some genetic lecture, or rather i was discussing in my brain, about whether people'd want to know if they would develop a terminal illness in the future. with all the talk going round about revelations coming true now, i'm thinking if i would live differently if i knew exactly how much time i had left here. and that if i had a choice to know, would i take it?

all my life i thought, no way i'd wanna know when i'm gonna die man. but someone said once, dunno in a book or what, but the person said he'd wanna know when he died just to really appreciate life and know his life is temporary and all. but in all this really jumbledness raw thoughts in my mind, i wonder if knowing i will act differently if i knew exactly how long i had left would compel me to already start acting differently, living fully and taking risks simply because i could in fact die tomorrow. :S

and i reached a new record! 06:04:46 on skype with hubs! crazy stuff, and to think we actually had stuff to talk about for like 90% of the time. serious! love ya chrissy! :) sorry i fell asleep in the last 10 minutes or so. hahahhahaha!

love,
candice

oh the horror!

2011-03-07T19:51:00.002+08:00

i consider myself extremely brave already for not screaming the house down at 2am when that stupit spider crawled across my table and onto the top of the window. GRR. well this crazy event, and a series of other reasons led me to shift room today! to the bigger room next to me with a nicer and brighter view. :P

well so far i've survived a week of med school. :) been tough lor, since i've been sick too. it takes so much studying in a day to just pull through and i should totally be studying now. :/ i still get homesick every now and then though, i miss my parents, my friends and my life back home. i don't belong here, though i mean i know God wants me here now, just, this isn't my home la. i thought about this alot and i finally realized that if i could go home for just a few hours, the number one thing i'd wanna do is have dinner with my family at home. :) just that. number two is go to church, and see a sea of familiar faces instead of being a newcomer.

there are moments when i feel very candice again though, while i'm here. few and in between, but they're there. :) maybe i just need a bit more time to really know where i stand. God's here with me tho. :) i know that full well. <3

(i would have inserted a pic from fb that kor and gene says my bf will have to be as crazy as me to like, but i don't know how to copy pics from fb anymore. :S)

love,
the bratty little cina boy

settling in

2011-03-01T17:47:00.004+08:00

today i..
- didn't really think about how homesick i was
- took notes in a really boring lecture anyways
- stayed back to study in the library after class till 7 plus
- had a nurse take 5 test tubes worth of my blood for testing
- made a nice (finally female) friend i could discuss church with
- met a couple of new, really great friends :)
- started learning how to talk to patients
- found the hargrave-andrew library
- spoke up in tutorial and actually really enjoyed it
- sawafewgoodlookingmembersoftheoppositegenderhehe
- walked to and from uni, even after 7.30pm
- shared lunch with a friend
- had dinner by myself cause i was home late but gobbled everything down happily cause i was so hungry
- got homework :(
- nearly danced my way back cause i was listening to 'super trouper' on my ipod
- ate free fairy floss/cotton candy and regretted eating something so pink and sticky
- .. enjoyed my day quite a lot. :) thanks God. :)

i think i'm starting to settle in here a bit. :) life is good. gotta remember that. haha, looking forward to meeting gene, kor and my sister moro! :)

love lots,
candice

homesick

2011-02-24T19:56:00.001+08:00

"If mummy can call you, i'll call you everyday to wake you up."
- my mum on skype

i'm so homesick now, i miss my parents a lot. :(

forever love

2011-02-22T11:41:00.002+08:00

this is a really good video that made me remember what it meant to share the love of Christ.

"For God so loved the world He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
- John 3:16

Jesus loves YOU. :)

and now i'm watching this! inspirational videos cause i had nothing to do, but these vids are really good! :)

with His love,
candice

it's freezing!

2011-02-22T10:45:00.002+08:00

because i am a big girl now, i just washed my clothes! :D but apparently, big girls don't have to iron anything wan. hehehehhee.

yesterday i remembered my 'birthday rainbow'. on my way home on my birthday last year, the HUGEST rainbow i had ever seen appeared right before my dad turned into our house. and i was like WHOA! when i ran in to tell my mum about it, it was gone. (prolly cause we looked in the opposite direction that time :/) anyways, i feel so amazed when i think about how i believe God is always in control, and how a rainbow so huge would just show up on my birthday. :P i think God's really awesome lor. :) some things are coincidences, but then again, everything's a miracle. :)

and did i mention i'm freezing?

and thank God i have BBT to watch, there's nothing else for me to do here yet. :(

here's one of my all time favourite songs! :)

love,
candice :)