enduring the worst

and before i know it, it'll be february..

.. and a new chapter of my life will begin,

but i'm not ready for this one to end just yet.

hand in hand

"Be still, and know that I am God."
- Psalms 46:10

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
- Jim Elliot

the invitation

"That's the beauty of it, now you get to go and find a new dream. :)"
- Rapunzel

"I know you're tired, but now is when you lead, this is when it matters most."
"It's all heart from here."
"For the rest of your lives, you'll remember today, i want you to remember that you did not give up, you did not lose heart, you did not stop fighting, you did not quit."
- Facing the Giants

"How far would you go, for someone you love?"
- Fringe

"There no way to be a perfect parent, but a million ways to be a really good one."
- Cheaper by the Dozen 2

both cheaper by the dozens are so good and heartwarming! :)

:D bye!

reminisce

looking back at old blogposts is a very overwhelming experience for me. i randomly clicked on march, and saw all the posts from then, events and thoughts that felt so far away. has one year passed already? and yet the biggest reminder i got from reading all these again is that, above all, God was faithful to me this year, He was so faithful, even when i wasn't.

though 2010 isn't over yet, thank You God, for the 135 posts this year that remind me over and over again that You are Lord over my life, that You.. will never forsake me. :) thank You for all the beauty and joy and love You have blessed me with this year, it's been an incredible one. :) i love You Lord! :D haven't said that in a while, but i do! :D


dedicated to friends who are there to catch you when you fall. :)


wishing you holiday cheers,
candice :)

further

"Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give the world your best anyways."
- Mother Teresa

leap of faith

it's been a while since i posted long posts here! :) here goes nothing, and it's REALLY MESSY!

today i was by myself in KLCC for about two hours i think. gave me lots of time to think and have my music therapy. seems like no matter where i am at home, i can't do this. funny, how i went to a place flooded with people to feel even more alone. not in the weird alone way, just i think i found peace today, in observing the life around me. the lives that move, that interact, that radiate uniquely. it's beautiful really. :) i sat in bakin' boyz(?) observing a father and his two sons in the coin operated batman ride, and it seemed so ordinary, yet extraordinary still. hmm, i'm not making sense anymore, but i loved it, the chance to be still and see the beauty in this world. :) to remember that there are other people living in this world, other stories that are not my own. :D

my sister has been pretty paranoid about how safe malaysian streets are since she came home. and today as we 'braved' the LRT to go to KLCC, i realized how much i didn't wanna see everyone as 'potential bad guy's. it has been so often stigmatized that there are so many foreign workers and poverty-stricken people here that would immediately snatch your bag when they see you. and on this note, how many of us do actually turn away in fright when someone fitting the profile approaches us? today as i pondered about this in the train, i remembered my ESL project on refugees. i wrote against this very stereotyping, and how it wasn't fair to judge people based on their nationality or looks. granted, you can't be naive and oblivious in today's age and time either, but what happened to the benefit of the doubt? seems like things have gotten so bad, that strangers are hardly ever 'family you come to know' anymore. i don't know bout you, but i find that really sad. i passed by so many lonely people today, and i wished that i was courageous enough to speak to them. to simply say hi, or get to know their story, their lives. maybe even to say, "hey, Jesus loves you you know? :)" but i never possessed that courage. or never dared to risk it i guess. partly due to how dangerous this world has become, and it's such a shame really. think of all the people we could know and love if we lived in a 'safe' world.
but perhaps, all i need to do is to start practicing what i preach and just do it. :)

throughout this year, i have on countless occassions also learnt that we have to learn to be the person that others need, not necessarily who we want to be for them. it is important i think, to realize that recognition is not the most important thing. i mean day to day, there are irritable people around us who might be having a bad day. and what we need to do, what they need us to do is give them space, as much as we don't want to. this year i learnt to bite my tongue and hold back anger, knowing that my actions has a greater significance and that in doing so, someone else's life is changed, is better for it. and it isn't something people would remember, but it is so important. like mother teresa says "in the final analysis, it's between you and God, it was never between you and them." and on another example, i have on some occassions this year had friends going through tough times, and naturally when a person cries, i (you too?) would want to do something about it, stop the tears, be the hero. but time and time again, it is vital to recognize what they need, and not what i want to do. to hear their heart's cry and not my own. and in those moments, perhaps the best thing i could do would be to walk away, and let someone else more needed to dry those tears. to let God work and trust, simply. and like i said, this action goes without recognition most of the time, yet it is usually a more difficult option. that's love isn't it? doing whatever it takes for the one you love. haha, just some random thoughts from my mind. :)

i heard this quote once, "if you want to kill me, just take away my reason for living." in all those crime movies, you always see the hero taking whatever mr.badguy throws at him. you can cut the hero, burn him, slice him, he'll hang in there. but hurt the ones he loves and it's a different story altogether. and it's amazing really, how people love so fiercely, and i don't really know what else i wanted to type here but yea... it's amazing. :)

this year, i stopped knowing answers. things became more challenging for me. i think that in all the previous years of my existence, i have always known what was right and what was wrong. how i reacted to that knowledge however, may not have always hit the mark though. still, i knew, i understood. and this year, over and over again, i find myself with no answer. i have no idea where the line between right and wrong is, yet the questions keep coming. how do i do the right thing, if i don't know what it is anymore? i guess this is God's way of reminding me that i need Him, i need to hear His voice, follow His direction, but it's so easy to be stubborn and lazy sometimes. to have more faith in myself than i do in my God. somedays i look ahead and fear, immensely. it's been so difficult getting through 2010 already and i know that i cannot survive the coming times without God. and yet my relationship with Him is shaky, due to my own imperfections. at best, it's improving, but there are those stagnant phases you know? and i am more afraid of those times, than challenging times with things right with God in my life. i have been in the desert phase before, and it is so so tough. i know people going through it, and it's just so horrible to have God silent. and i guess this is what happens when i'm alone with my thoughts for too long, i just spin out of control. and i worry, and do so excessively. sigh, so yea, i worry about this too.

have you ever heard the phrase that 'some mistakes have to be made'? i think i'm starting to understand what that means, personally. but then again, a mistake's called a mistake for a reason. interesting food for thought! :P

at the end of the day, i still CHOOSE to believe in the good of others.

feels good to dump here again after so long, but i'm sleepy already, so good night! :) God bless youuu! :)

lots of love,
candice

just perfect

upon the request of miss michelle liew, i am blogging! :)

well, firstly, after yesterday, my 17th birthday is officially the BEST ever. :) MUCH THANKS to ce, josh, kat, rachel, bryan, adriel and the three funny women that managed to surprise me this time-lilian, mich and elena! i really enjoyed my friday! ;)

hahahah yea.. so... bye mich! :)


love you all loads,
candice :)

home

Home by Westlife / Michael Buble

Another sunny day,
Has come and gone away,
In Paris and Rome,
I want to go home,
Mmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by,
A million people I,
Still feel all alone,
I just want to go home,
Oh I miss you, You know,
And i've been keeping all the letters,
That I wrote to you,
Each one a line or to,
I'm fine baby how are you,
Well I would send them but,
I know it's that it's just not enough,
The words were cold and flat,
And you deserve more, Than that,

Another aeroplane,
Another sunny place,
I'm lucky, I know,
But I want to go home,
I've got to go home,
Let me go home
Im just too far,
From where you are,
I've got to come home,
Let me come home,
I've had my run,
Baby i'm done,
I want to come home,

And I feel just like,
I'm living,
Someone else's life,
It's like i just stepped outside,
When everything was going right,
And I know just why you could not come along with me,
'Cause this was not your dream,
But you always believed in me,

Another winter day,
Has come and gone away,
In either Paris and Rome,
And I Want To Go Home,
I miss you, You know,
Let me go home,
I've had my run,
Baby i'm done,
I want to go home,
Let me go home,
It'll all be alright,
I'll be home tonight,
I'm coming back home.


cause Malaysia's.. home.

days come when i wonder where exactly i will be in three months. on an aeroplane? headed to clayton (this only by God's miracle), headed to Melbourne Uni, or the slim chance of not going at all?

where will i be?

and why does every answer scare me? but leaving, starting over yet again in a whole new place, it's terrifying. i mean starting college was scary enough, but like my sister would say, i'm gonna make the closest friends ever in australia. yet from where i am now, a new beginning doesn't sound so pleasant. sure, in maybe a year or so, i'll say it was one of the best things i ever did, but till then.. i can't stop pondering on the life i've built for myself here, the memories, and all that i would have to leave behind. malaysia is home, and it always will be. what if i go there, and i meet all the wrong kinds of friends? what if i lose myself, my character, my 'muchness' when i'm in a completely different environment? what if i lose everything that i've fought to be?

and the thought of making FULL use of my time left here to actually make some sort of difference in the lives of those around me scares me even more. even now, i struggle to be patient, to be strong, to trust God every day. and on more than one ocassion have i been overwhelmed by how difficult life is when you wanna live it well, though i know that my life is already fantastic in comparison to many others. but i can't shake that feeling, that some days i don't want to have to try so hard to do the right thing anymore. i don't want to have to put in so much effort to be goody two shoes, to have people around me waiting for me to crash and burn. and when surviving alone can be so tough sometimes, how am i expected to have strength left, to make a difference? and what difference la. sigh.. just in a messy rambly mood now.

candice

difficult

.. because nothing worth doing was ever easy.

.. because God's plan for me is bigger than i expected.

.. because it's okay to feel tired as long as you don't stop running.

.. because this is the heart that God gave me.

.. because this is where He put me.

.. because through this i will grow.

.. because this is the next level.

.. because God believes i can.

and above all..

..because God is always with me.

"My strength and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
- Psalms 73:26

torn between two dreams

ONLY A PERSON WHO RISKS IS FREE
by Author Unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

how i turned 17

i think i had the best birthday ever this year, tho every year seems like the best birthday ever, but i liked that i felt so comfortable with the people i spent it with and i loved all the FAILED surprises too! so this... is how i turned 17, with some of my favourite people in the world. :)

it was prom night on the 15th of november. so by the end of the night, elena and mich were all, let's go to the lobby to take pictures! and we all went down and they started exclaiming 'wah!!!! so nice the lobby!' while i was already laughing to myself. what they DIDN'T know, was that the day before, lilian accidentally sent me a message intended for elena, that said, "my mum can drop me at the hotel, how big a cake you want ah? and should we surprise her there or at your apartment?(lilian didn't come for prom see)" like LOL when i got that, cause a few moments earlier, my mum just spoiled another surprise. so anyways, she tried to cover it up but... FAIL la. hahahahha! so there we were in the lobby when evelyn accidentally said, "where's lilian?" HAHAHHAHAHA, i was laughing already la, and tai kor was all, why you laughing arrr???? then i showed him lilian's message and he gave me the death stare! LOL. anyways, lilian reached with a box of cakes and they started singing for me outside the hotel. i was REALLY REALLY TOUCHED and HAPPY, though NOT SURPRISED. that made my birthday the best birthday already, even in the first eight minutes. :) everyone was scolding each other after that for ruining it, but i was still happy la, funner this way. :P

so we all went to sleepover at elena's apartment, stooopid guard don't let lilian park inside, made us all so angry. we reached at one something and after showering and eating our mamak food, which i was sent to buy because apparently only i didn't look like a 'prostitute' according to my mum, cause i had changed already, it was FOUR AM already. needless to say, we're all BEYOND sleep deprived. so in the morning, mich got a call from 'lilian' cause she went home for a while, but i could hear that it was a DUDE'S voice on the phone. it was SO FUNNY, when she put down the phone, she just put on her poker face and said "lilian says she's on her way." :P

so we went downstairs with all our stuff and waited at this closed row of shops apparent waiting for this really nice restaurant to open. LOL...... then we moved to a pondok by the pool where a few minutes later, the guys came with my birthday present(s)- including my FAVOURITE dim sum porridge and mango pudding. *HEART MELTS* so yea, the restaurant we were waiting for did serve AWESOME food after all! :P they also gave me this really cool photo album of all our pictures together, which was another semi-failed surprise. :P like a month earlier, mich took a picture of her computer screen to show me a dress she liked, and looking at it more closely, i saw a folder named CANDICE below. HAHHAHA, when i sneakily told them, she said "WHY YOU INVADE ON MY PRIVACY??? LOOK AT THE DRESS NOT THE FOLDER!" LOL, gotta love my friends la.

anyways, after that we went to pyramid for HUGEEEE wong kok birthday tea and then for megamind. i was extremely touched that everyone was willing to pay A CRAZY LOT to watch megamind with me since i really wanted to and it only came in 3D at tgv. so we all paid RM21 to watch it though i insisted it was too expensive. :') movie was really cute though, can hear everyone laughing now and then, which was very relieving. :)

and the highlight, was elena's HULKING. she's just COMPLETELY WORN OUT that she started 'sleepwalking' as we call it while she was still awake. at first it was so funny, cause she was BLUR LIKE CRAZY, but after the movie, it was getting very worrying already cause people ACTUALLY thought she was nuts. and that we were abusing her probably, by laughing at her. and she couldn't walk straight and all, so we kept worrying until sending her back to her parent's car.

then i spent the night with my parents, had esquire for dinner which was YUMS, and some cake which che insisted to buy. :) didn't eat any cause i was still feeling FULL and a tad unwell, but it was sweet la, them singing for me and all. :D

so yea.. so far at least, that's how i spent my seventeenth birthday this year. :) no pictures yet, but i had an INCREDIBLY MEMORABLE time, that i certainly will never forget even when i'm old and gray. :D i love you all so much lilian, michelle, elena, gene, wen shi, hsing hwa and adrian, and f course my dearest family too! :D THANK YOU GUYS! :)

and thanks to everyone else who remembered, i was really touched by all your wishes! especially sean and jeremy, you guys were really sweet! hahahha thanks LOADS!

WITH MUCH LOVEEE,
candice :D

radiating metal atoms producing longitudinal sound waves

it's been an emotional day, (not emo) but just PHOOOO! lately something occured to my emotions la i think, maybe exam stress, and i just feel everything.. more, especially when it's not about what i'm going through. like today my sister texted that she got into the exchange program in germany and i felt really happy for her. like super happy too! and when one of my friends was upset the other day but tried really hard to hide it, it really broke my heart too man. seems like every news i get of joy brings me overwhelming joy now and every occurence of sadness just hurts me more than it usually would la.

i don't know whatsup with my emotions but yea.. just felt like sharing this. suprisingly, today turned out to be a good day after all. :)

today i wanna thank You God, for friends, who never leave my side, though i may not see them there sometimes. :) truly Your gifts to Your people are extravagant and beautiful. i love You too Lord! hahha, and it's time for bio now. ughhhh.

i love ya too dear reader, take care, study hard! :)

dreamer

:) today was the maths paper! haha after so many months of numberss, it's finally over with! i am so so happy about today's paper, not because i think i did superbly well or anything, but simply because of how God really showed to me that He was with me in that exam room. :) i face question number 8, and was asked to find the sample mean. it was a one mark question, but i just couldn't figure out how to do it. and a two mark question followed it. so it was three marks, that while i would be sad i lost, would not be life or death la. still, there's this horrible feeling i get when i have questions i don't know how to do in a maths paper. like during the spm add maths paper, i was so relieved to know i finished the paper, but everything changed when i realized i did the last one wrong la. still, that was an awful day la. but anyways!!! back to my story. so, no kidding, i was like praying already God please show me how to do this! and i felt/heard Him tell me AIYA(yes i heard the aiya too)just do the rest of the paper first and come back later. when you come back, you'll know how to do it. so i was like okayy.. and i finished it la, even the last question but i'll talk about that later. and i came back and had fifteen minutes more i think.. i tried and i tried but i just couldn't do it. i was so frustrated at myself and at the paper and just GAHH la. then the invigilator said five minutes more. wah i'd be so unpeaceful if i couldn't do that stupid question. and probably with four minutes left i was like AIYA, i'll just take the average of the two la! better than nothing, even if it's a stupid answer. finished everything with about two minutes left, and i checked my answer with my GC and PTLOMS, it was CORRECT! sigh... i was like thank you GOD!!!

He's been SO faithful to me, and i am just.. blown away man. Thank You so so much Jesus, whatever happens next i surrender it into Your hands! i'm just so grateful for this experience at all. :)

and the last question right, sigh, i don't know why i statrted doing it differently than i usually do these sorta questions. maybe it was my subconscious, but maybe... it was God nudging me yet again. :) halfway through i realized i've never done the question like this before, so i continued it at the empty page next to it and left my working there hanging. but i kept having this feeling that the work i did previously was right. yea after wasting time with working 2, i finally cancelled it and tried continuing the first one again. and somehow, THANK GOD, i managed to get an answer. yes by all means, i know it may not be the right answer, and if it's wrong, i don't really wanna know now either, but just the contentment that came with getting an answer was amazing. haha i've never had testimonies like that before (i think), of God's help in an exam, but i've definitely heard countless testimonies from many people before. :) :)

it's just amazing la. i feel so secure now, whatever the results, it's all in God's hands la. :)

i was pondering today on how stressful this exam has been on me, emotionally especially. yet just to experience God's presence and grace at such a time as this, it makes it so worth it. :) sigh.. :D

i can't wait for exam to be over tho! two more papers!!! HEEHEEEHEEEEEE!


heheh i miss beeing SOOO KRAZY. :D one more week to go!!!

looking for more,
candice :)

the rolling wind of uncertainty

so it's two down, three more to go! this exam period has been really really CHIU KAP STRESSFUL. just imagining results day is enough to make me... wanna jump off a bridge la. i think heaven's nicer. :) but the truth is, i really am just going by faith here. i think about how powerless i am and i go nuts. i think that i've never had to stretch my faith so far before, closing my eyes and letting God work. yesterday as i was panicking again, i switched on my ipod and listened to "How Great is our God". WAH. and once again, after so MANY countless times of assurance, i am reminded that God is great indeed. :) but i am also so grateful for all the people around me who have been encouraging me, helping me pull through and ensuring i do not really lose my mind. :) thank you! :D

I'M SO HUNGRYYY LAR!

oh and happy belated birthday to my tai ka che! :)


thanks for everything che! :) you've always been a role model for me, taking care of me all those times too. :D i remember you making me mummy's ginger chicken when i was hungry that time in australia! and how most days when i'm sitting here, i'll be greeted by "HELLO PRETTY!!!!!" when you come home from work. and the saturday morning walks we USED to go for. and all the friday night movies and shopping trips and car rides home from church. and all the kicking, pinching, screaming, teasing, looks. and every single other memory. :) thanks for always being there for me, you're the bestest and i love you A LOT! :D

and i also realized that it isn't easy to be a parent. i was watching a bit of this hokkien series my mum watchs, and it was something to do with the father working as a kuli to earn money or something like that la. and in rereading for one more day by mitch albom, which i personally find a really good book, all mitch albom books are incredible la actually(and NOT corny), i am reminded of this fact too. chick's mum worked as a maid to put him through college. i can't remember the details, but he was all why? and stuff la. so i think that especially us as teenagers, we don't see what our parents actually do for us. i mean it in the sense like, we don't know every sacrifice they make to give us the best live they can give, we don't know every moment they stood up for us, and in the midst of a small argument, we unearth all the little wrongs they make to feed our anger, to 'win'. in my english letter about teenagers, i wrote that adults should not point fingers to adolescents who have much to learn, but instead look to themselves to see first what they can do to be good role models (or something like that la-i don't wanna think too much bout eng, it was UGHH). and today it just occured to me, that 'not pointing fingers' is a two-way thing. if you want to be understood, you must first understand. which is just a random thought in my mind, you know, that before we blame our parents for everything that's wrong with our families, before we judge them for the mistakes they make, let us remember that they too are humans, and need to be loved and understood as well. :)

"Love like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive."
- Mitch Albom, the five people you meet in heaven

OOH I LOVE THIS.
"There is no such thing as 'too late' in life."
"Sticking with your family is what makes it a family."
"You can find something truly important in an ordinary minute."
- Mitch Albom

and you know what i think??? SAM students are the toughest students in the WORLD. okay maybe second to like ninja/shaolin students la. but really! if you make it through SAM, you can make it through ANYTHING. true story. :)

i was just thinking bout that first quote recently, that there is no such thing as too late. the time we spend mulling over how the marriage can no longer be saved, or the friendship can no longer persevere, is time we should instead spend making things right. :) wah imagine a world, where everyone knew that it's never 'too late' and actually did something about it. that'd be crazy in a good way man. :P

also, i can't believe gerard butler's the phantom in the phantom of the opera! looks so different. but the songs are really good! he sings so emotionally, me and my sister we like WAHHH. hahhaha, man i really wanna go watch a live musical one day! :) that's be cool. :D

MMMM I SMELL err.. YUMMINESS!! dinner calls. bye! study hard! :)

love,
candice