Home Is Where You Are

Because I've come to learn that so much of me is you. :)

The Journey

I know something good that came out of what you went through.

It brought you to here, to right here, to right now.

And from here, anything is possible.

Not As They Appear To Be

"I don't think he's lost his voice, Maya. I think he's screaming."
- Girl Meets World

Momentary Intersections

You'd think I'd be used to goodbyes by now.

I'm not. Still don't like them one bit. 

On Death And Dying

Yesterday, I had to stand in a room and watch a man approach the end of his life.

I watched his breaths become laboured and periodic, what we label Cheyne-Stokes breathing - a common sign that the brainstem was starting to shut down.
I watched the critical care nurse silently point this out to me as we stood in this room, wondering if his next breath would be his last.
I watched him finally decidedly whisper to me - "Yes, this man is dying."

I remember thinking in that moment as tears welled up in my eyes, "God, please do not let me have to watch as this man dies." 

I watched my boss later explain to the family that full resuscitation in the event of expected deterioration was no longer a plausible or beneficial option.
I watched this man's long-suffering wife shed a tear, hold his hand, kiss him on his forehead and assure him things would be OK.

And, worst of all, I watched this jaundiced man before me lay with his mouth open on the bed, struggling to breathe and too weak to move anymore.

I think he knew as well.

...

I struggle to put into words the heaviness that I feel now, and the fear of facing a lack of understanding if I sought to express myself in any way other than screaming from my blinded stage.

I am humbled to so dramatically learn once more, that life is fragile and time finite.

I feel defeated, a sense that the ideals of a young girl who wanted to "save the world" was laughably naive and far too innocent to survive the harsh realities of life.

I worry that one day I would have to stand in different shoes in such a room, and watch someone I love breathe their last to the pathetic chorus of "I'm sorry but there's nothing more we can do."

I wonder if I am able to do good for others with my job, or end up causing more harm in my inexperience, busy-ness or lack of knowledge.

I still fear that I am not strong enough to be a doctor.

And in the midst of it all, I too am grieving for the immense loss in that room that night.

...

Grief, to me, is like using a Sharpie marker on skin.
You can try to rub it out or wash it off, but it stubbornly refuses to go easily.
You can try to ignore it, but it stands out like a sore thumb and screams its irrational demands to be noticed.
It sticks close for a period of time until you realise that all you can really do, is acknowledge it, suffer through it, and let its sting slowly fade away.

And with time, all wounds will eventually heal.

...

People say it gets easier along the way.

I hope so, but.. I worry for a day where the rawness of watching another human being reach the end of their life no longer affects the deep parts of my spirit.

In fact, I am afraid to one day be amongst people who suffer a deafening pain and in that moment feel nothing more than the responsibility to remain professionally composed, because I have learnt through practice to feign the perfect amount of compassion.

Because just like them, I too, am only human.

...

"And the very act of living is a tide; at first it seems to make no difference at all, then one day you look down and see how much pain has eroded."

- Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

The Sum Of More Choices

This trip home, I got to meet up with a lot of old friends doing different things with their lives, just starting out with their first jobs. It intrigued me to hear tales of what it is they actually do, because it bore stark contrast to my daily routine at work.

In Melbs, I was surrounded by mostly university students or doctors every day, and I live with a Bible college student and a teacher. Being back home, I got to speak with a lawyer, a psychologist, an event planner, an NGO worker, an engineer and a teacher, amongst even more doctors.

I don't know what it is about 'growing up' that has been on my mind so much these past few days, the very thought of becoming an adult in this world with a unique identity of your own.

Being a twenty-something, it's been said that this is the time to make mistakes and discover who you really are; a time to take risks and sail new oceans for time will pass, and responsibility will grow. It's exciting and wonderful to finally be old enough to decide where your next step will be, but immensely scary as well.

And yet, after all these years of thinking I was so sure I knew who I was and what my identity is, at twenty-something with a stable career and dreams in my back pocket, I somehow feel I'm not so sure anymore.

I guess.. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Unless it's not about discovery, but rather finding the courage to create yourself - to unashamedly stand for the things you believe in, to boldly listen to the call of your passions, to chase them, and to rise again after every set back with determination.

...

In the past two weeks, we've talked about relationships, family, careers and aspirations.. and I often paused to wonder, how different my life would have been if I had made different choices along the way.

What if I stayed in KL to study instead of going abroad?
What if I took a year off?
What if I met different groups of friends along the way?
What about all those times my answer was a no instead of a yes?
What if this? What if that?

...

One thing is for sure though, I am here now. 

The real question is, where will the sum of more choices lead me next?

...

"Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I am not living."
- Jonathan Safran Foer 

Of Growing Up And Moving Forwards

In between mouthfuls of delicious banana leaf rice today, I decided that we should go on adventure.

"C'mon guys, let's do something fun!"

Who would have known, that nekminnit we would be at FRIM (Forest Research Institute Malaysia), cycling rented bicycles and chasing waterfalls through the rainforest. What a day. :)

FRIM (2016)

That's us earlier today.

My very unfit body and quads will regret ever asking for this adventure tomorrow.

As we cycled on today, Eel reminded me that the first time she learnt to ride a bike was with us on our first trip together to Pangkor 6 years ago. I thought back to that trip and smiled, but was also filled with disbelief.. has it been 6 years already?

It feels like forever ago that we met in that small classroom in college and became friends, but over the years, this bunch has really grown to be my favourite bunch of travel buddies. From finding the best street food, to chasing hometowns and heritage stories, to skimming on cost as much as we can, to taking a million photos to commemorate the event, to doing the most ridiculous and embarrassing things in public.. I have loved every trip we embarked on together. Through the process of growing up and moving away, each trip has shrunk in size over time due to growing adult responsibilities and changing commitments.

So, while I have a second to ponder, here's my trip down memory lane - some of our travels together.  

Pulau Pangkor (2010)

Tugu Negara (2010)

Bukit Cahaya (2011)

Port Dickson (2011)

Pedas Linggi (2011)

Genting Highlands (2011)

Malacca (2011)

Kelantan (2012)

Thailand (2012)

Sungai Besar (2013)

Kuala Selangor (2015)

Organ Pipes National Park (2015)

Wilson's Promontory (2015)

Cape Schanck (2015)

So, the Malaysian gang of doctors will be starting work very soon, a two year commitment of extremely long hours and lack of holidays.. which means that as I said goodbye to Sean and Eel today, and the rest of the gang earlier this week, I really don't know when our next big trip, or meet up even will be, if that is possible ever again.

...

It's been said that the only constant thing in life is change.

How did we change from the noisy college kids who just wanted to eat all the time, to adults with jobs, taxes, rent, career goals, new relationships and who are all across several states around the world?

I love the change that has overtaken us in the past few years, but it's also a bit sad to reminisce and realise how much you have to leave behind in the past as dusty memories, and move on to our individual paths heading different directions.

#candicewhysoemo

...

We press on. :)

We keep running our races, making the efforts to stay in touch and one day, one day.. we'll go on another adventure together once again.

Till then,
Dice