A Day For Miracles

Today, I walked the streets of KL and breathed in deep. The haze was gone, the skies were blue and the sun shone brightly.

Today, I missed two monorails because they were too full of people. After that second one, with some frustration beginning to bubble, I prayed for a supernaturally empty train to come next. While the big screen said that the next train would be coming in 6 minutes, it in fact arrived barely a minute after I exhaled that prayer. And would you know it.. I managed to get a seat in a supernaturally empty train  compared with the two canned-sardines trains prior.

Today, I found out that my health was improving greatly after a few weeks of being ill. But even though this miracle presented today, the peace of God that never once left my side has been my daily miracle.

And all I have left to say is.. how good is my God? :)

"The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

- Zephaniah 3:17

So blessed I can't contain it,
Dice

In Search of Adventure

I am really thankful for this bunch of friends right here. :) 

Though we're short of a few more familiar faces and gained a few too, there's this sense of home and community that's ever present when we meet. 

I love them because they remind me how blessed I am to be a Malaysian, that there is so much beauty and life to be found everywhere, especially in the places that most people have given up on. They are constantly hungry for a fresh, new adventure, intending to seek one out whenever possible. In my trips with them, I have always returned home to KL with a new love for Malaysia and new eyes to see how precious the culture and people here are.  

I will forever remember them as the crazy ones who visited the deserted National Zoo with me, would spontaneously drive to Istana Negara for a look-see, carried a 5 kilogram fish, appreciates the joy in having 1 dollar tau fu fah, stayed in a cheap guesthouse and braced dirty toilets together, crossed the river via a ferry to Thailand unexpectedly for a short walk and usually had random conversations with the town locals too.

But what I like best about them.. is that they bring out the traveler in me, and without words, are able to encourage me to never stop pursuing life itself, and all that it has to offer. They remind me of the person I want to be. :)

So thank you guys, for being just the way you are.. and for a great Ipoh trip too. :)

Love,

Dice

Late Night Thoughts

Today, a good friend of mine told me that I have always been strong, and to keep being strong.

Strength was never really a first line word I would use to describe myself. After hearing that, I inevitably reflected a bit more on my life and past circumstances. I thought of the recent struggles that were laid out before me.

At first, I chose to hide a lot of what I was dealing with from the people close to me. It wasn't necessary, I thought, for them to know. I soon realized that this has always been how I dealt with the situations that worried me most.

However, after talking with several people, I'm beginning to see what my friend meant, and how God can use this for good. Maybe.. sharing my story will do others good. Maybe.. a testimony of overcoming will inspire others to hope. Just maybe.. talking about myself doesn't have to mean I'm bragging, but can rather present as an invitation to press on and move mountains, because if I can hang in there, then they can too.

So, here's my two cents about hardships that I've learnt along the way. They aren't curses, they're gifts. Too often people start blaming God when they come along simply because well, it's uncomfortable and abnormal. I know, because I am guilty of it too. If only we could see every time we endured, that hardships were all along nothing more than precursors to greater things, like patience, strength, love and faith. It's but a premature bigger gift. I can vouch for this, that I would not be who I am today had I not been given the opportunities to endure, grow and overcome. With each day lies a new chance to become a better person.

One thing I love telling people is this - that at any point, God can change my circumstances around. The fact that I'm still here despite my faith and my prayers is because there's still something I need to learn or do.

Isn't it almost exciting then? He brings forth a new challenge just like a father teaching his child to ride a bicycle, by taking off the training wheels when the time is right. Or, like the mama bird that nudges her babies off the nest when she believes they will finally fly.

Hopeful,
Dice

Better

For the past couple of weeks, I've been dealing with circumstances that I never expected to encounter. For the most part, I have just taken it a day at a time, not thinking more about it than I have to.

I have never blamed God for this.. but on another thoughtful train ride, I found myself questioning.. "God, why me? Why this, and why now?"

He told me that He had a plan for my life, and that what the enemy intended for evil, He intended for good.

Today though, I'm thankful. I know I say that a lot, but I really am. I'm starting to see things from His view again and I'm starting to see the potential in this situation to bring so much more good than harm. I see gaining the ability to understand because of personal experience, and I see the bonds between family and friends growing closer. I see a joy that can inspire and yet another opportunity to lean on my Daddy in heaven, knowing that He'll pull me through this stronger and one step nearer to who He has called me to be.

As I sat in church today and took in the message, it hit me once again.. that I dance in the midst of my Father's goodness, that I am so immeasurably blessed and incredibly loved, and that greater things are yet to come.

I've been telling many people this sincerely as an encouragement, that I am excited for the plan God has for their life. For the first time in a long time, I don't just know my future is cared for. I am actually feeling a joy and excitement bubble up from within, for my own life. He's up to something, I know it.

Thank You Jesus, for giving me this life to live, to love You and to just be.. me. :) I can never thank You enough. 

Yet You Stuck By Me

Day Seven: I can jump again. How blessed I am to use that to praise the name of Jesus. He is so good to me.

I haven't been the most faithful, but He, my stubborn Heavenly Father, held on to me anyways.

I've slowly turned my back on Him, but He's been waiting, and at the moment that I needed to run back to Him for peace, for love, for comfort.. I knew that I would run into outstretched arms.

He only ever takes as long to be by my side again as it takes for me to realize that really, He never left at all.

I am so, so immensely loved and blessed. :) 

Love Life

I sat on my carpet floor as I talked to God tonight. And in a glance, one of my old journals that has been sitting on my bedside shelf caught my attention. I picked it out, and flipped it open to a random page.

I opened to this - "PNG Adventure Day 1".

I read my whole account of PNG again, and it felt so surreal. Here was this girl, who I could feel exuding from her a hunger for life and adventure, a desire to love everybody and everything, the weight of her dreams. At first, I caught myself wondering "who is she?" and then I remembered her bit by bit, the more I read.

In many ways, I still carry some of that with me, but not to the extent she did. I think.. that I have let the weariness and busy-ness of life suppress that spirit a little. I let the 8 to 5 schedule on most weekdays tire me, and I let the realities of life and death that I see every day in hospital to some extent, desensitise me to suffering.

I find this quote by Lewis Caroll in Alice in Wonderland very apt:

"You used to be much more.... "muchier". You've lost your muchness."

But I also read, that I have been called while in PNG to study hard to be a doctor once I return, and wait till He calls me out again. I still have much work to do with my studies, but I pray, oh how I pray, that I never lose sight of that muchness again.

....

This is my third week being with the cancer team on placement at the hospital. Patients with cancer.. they're different somehow. Most of the ones I have seen so far have inspired me so because of the hope and desire to live that they carry within and exude outwards. Len*, the ward sweetheart as I like calling him, loves his wife and children so, tells me that he's not done with life yet.. and then argues with me that Microsoft is better than Mac. Today with a smile, he told me that he had been listening to Queens on his iPod, feigning disbelief and disappointment when I admitted that I had no idea who they were. Rock and roll, he said, it's rock and roll! Jeph* talked of returning to work after he got better, this man in his mid-sixties and how much he missed being active. He let me practice cannulas on him even, and assured me after I had failed it that it was not my fault and to keep practicing. Rain* would greet the whole team with a huge smile every time and individually ask us how we were doing before the reg was allowed to talk medicine. She always had the sweetest smile on her face.

Some days, I hate what I do, simply because I have to watch the people I grow to love deteriorate.

But after that feeling subsides, I'm usually thankful.. thankful that I got to know them at all, and be a cheerful face in the hospital to encourage them to keep hoping, and to let them know that they inspired me.

....

"By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
- John 13:35

Hoping you find your muchness again too,
Dice

Thankfulness

Today I am so thankful for the people I do life with. :) Just wanted to say that.