Of Regrets and Second Chances

In the Intensive Care Unit - you see a lot of regret.

In the 8 days that I've spent here so far, I've seen much of it. 

There's the man who lamented that he wonders every day if he made the right choice with his divorce, the elderly lady with the poor lungs who wished she never picked up a cigarette in her life, the family members who would do anything for just a bit more time, and people who regretted not taking their medication as they should.. and even those who wake up intubated, disappointed to realise that their suicide attempts were not successful.

It's a sad place, and the very raw emotions at play give rise to  a unique spectrum of responses from people who finally notice that they have so much to lose.

...

"It's so horrible growing old and getting sick - you get so helpless," she said to me, the frustration in her voice evident as tears began to well in her eyes.
"And the worst part is I did this to myself."

She began to pour out her struggles about staying with her extended family whilst waiting to move to a nursing facility in a few months time. She expressed that she felt bad to be such a burden but that the fact of the matter was that her lungs were just not good anymore from years of smoking.

Feeling very helpless myself, I held on to her hand and listened, reassuring her when she apologised for wasting my time.

"Thank you, just by listening, you helped a lot."

...

To be honest, it's been a while since I've had one of these encounters with a patient, perhaps because of how junior I am in ICU that I don't do much of the talking, or how busy it gets that there isn't that time to linger and chat, or that many patients are intubated and non verbal.

I don't think I'll ever forget her though, and may she always be a reminder for me to stop for the patients who need a bit more care, and that a little can go a long way indeed.

Sunday Morning Reflections

Here's a powerful lesson I learnt recently.

You own your feelings, your feelings do not own you.

I hope this lesson remains true to me throughout this year - that even if I don't feel like putting on my running shoes and going out for a sweat, even if I want to throw a tantrum, even if I can't be bothered picking up a book to read, even if quiet time is difficult to achieve, even if my selfish desires get the better of me, even if I get patients who are difficult, demanding and ungrateful.. my feelings do not own me and I can be stronger than their dictations.

And from first reaching that victory in my mind, I can set off to live in the fullness of all that today has to offer. 

Thoughts On: Challenges

"Some mountains in life are easier to climb than others.

But you are stronger than you know. You can do this.

And if you fall, rise again. Try again. Climb again.

Listen not to the widespread taunts that daringly pronounce what you cannot do, but rather to the soft chorus of faithful supporters, and to the increasingly fierce whisper of your heart that knows the truth 

- you've beaten mountains before. And you can do it again."

...

"Do you know how blessed you are that such are the mountains in your life?"

See The Goodness

There's always some good to be found in every circumstance. 

I really believe this, even if not at the time something isn't going the way I wanted it to.

A few days ago, I shut my front door at home before I realised that I didn't have my keys with me. Yep. Locked out my own house with no one else at home, and a million things I wanted to do on my precious off day.

😩

Megan was in college in the city and Krispy worked nearby, but she wasn't replying and I wasn't sure where.

So I decided to go get my groceries as planned and wait for a reply.

No reply. I've got my groceries, and at this point, I really wanted to just go home, bake Bailey's birthday cupcakes, clean the house, do some reading and finish some way overdue paperwork.

So I decided to ask Megan where Krispy work, stalk her Facebook to make sure it's right, drive there and hopefully just ask for her at reception without embarrassing my housemate at her workplace.

Right after I reached, Krispy texted and yay of all yays, she's happy and free to pass me her keys. I met her at Gloria Jeans and turns out, she had just started her thirty minute break. With her house keys in my hand I thought.. "Oh, then I might as well catch up with you then!" Because I'd been on a trip recently and have been working rurally. I haven't had much chance to see my housemates these past few weeks.

And we ended up having a good heart to heart over coffee.

How blessed I was to have locked myself out that day. :)

I love this verse:
"You intended it for evil, but God intended it for good."
- Genesis 50:20

It's so easy to get a bad attitude in life when things don't go our way (and I know I'll have to eat these words again one day).
It's so easy to grumble and pout and rant and forget all the goodness we have in our lives when something gets thrown a little off balance, but as I've learnt.. there's always something good to come out of every circumstance, there's always a new lesson waiting to be learnt.

I've had sickness thrown my way unexpectedly before - but that taught me to place my trust in God, it taught me how vulnerable patients felt, it brought my family closer and reminded me how loved I was.

I've had my heart broken before - but that led me to where I am now, taught me not to let fear hold me back from life and to forgive,  gave me good memories nonetheless and helped me grow up in understanding life and people a bit better.

I've done badly on exams and disappointed others and myself before - but that challenged me deep in my spirit as to why I do what I do and reminded me that patients deserve better.

I've had my car broken into this year - but I pray my Bible and journal went to good use. I learnt to be more careful with my things, that there were people in my life who cared so much that they would care for me past midnight to help me sort things out, that God comforts even in the most painful circumstances and that once again, His peace is incredibly real.

I've found out that I've been cheated before - that my old car was a repaired write off that was sold to me for more than it was worth, but I encountered such lovely, compassionate people who tried their best to minimise my losses, and ended up disposing of a car that was probably not the safest to be on the road anymore anyways.

Crap happens. And it hurts, no doubt. 
But if you lean in close, look real hard, and wait just a moment longer sometimes, you'll see the goodness.
Trust me. 

It's there. It's always there, just waiting to be found.

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us."
- Beautiful Things, Michael and Lisa Gungor

"He makes everything beautiful in its own time."
- Ecclesiastes 3:11

A Little Kindness Goes A Long Way

I had been planning my trip to Canberra for a while now, and had decided that after work finished at 5pm, I would quickly go home, finish packing, shower, and then drive to the train station to catch a 630pm train that would reach Southern Cross at 8pm, leaving me plenty of time before my 10pm bus.

A fellow senior doctor at work (who I knew very briefly) overheard my plans, and in her Malaysian accent goes, "Are you crazy?? I'll drive you la! I'm heading that way anyways."

"Are you sure?"
"YES I'm sure."
"Well, thank you then! :D "

And then after I've gotten ready to leave after work she asks me what my plans were between now and my bus. And I said... "Eat, sit, read..?"

"That's it. You're coming and having dinner with me and my boyfriend."

Long story short, that night I had an incredibly nice spontaneous home-cooked meal with one of the most hospitable couples I have ever met. Despite the age difference and seniority in their careers too, they both welcomed me so generously, talked with me about life, shared their stories and listened to mine, and fed me delicious sausage curry as well.

And when it came time for me to start heading to Southern Cross, Michelle decides to start walking with me to the train station, taps on her myki and insisted then that the both of them would follow me to the bus stop at Southern Cross.

"Guys! I'll be fine!! I promise I'll be okay!"
"No. We have to answer to your mother to make sure you reach safely."
"You really don't have to!"

"Aww doesn't this feel like we're sending our child off to college?" 

....

A little kindness really does go a long, long way. 

The both of them really did not have to spend their precious Thursday evening with me but they decided to, and went far, far out of their way for my sake. I feel incredibly blessed, and moved to continue this journey of kindness, to pass it on and pay it forwards.

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness - kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."
- Mother Teresa

Papa Will Know

If I wasn't scared as I drove to work with the red radiator light warning me, I was definitely scared when I noticed smoke coming out from my hood at the traffic light.

I started praying in the car that I would be able to make it to the car park without my car breaking down, and thankfully, I did.

I texted my dad as I rushed into the hospital because I knew that he would know what to do.
True enough, he ended up texting me for a large portion of today to tell me the things that I needed to do and to watch out for, and explained the instructions step by step to me.

Now, please note, I am not a car person. I do not speak car. What even does the radiator do??

I spent most of today being so stressed out about my car and filled with a fear that it would break down on the way home. Come 6pm, I was on the rooftop car park with my 1000mL sterile bottle of water (intended for parenteral use heh) and the hood of my car up. I got a few stares, but just as daddy instructed, I managed to fill my radiator and the reservoir with water - and eventually made it home safely with no further issues. I have no words for how grateful I was to be able to call my dad for help in my time of need.

...

I learnt a powerful lesson today though, one that was amplified in my spirit as I drove home in complete peace.

"Papa would know what to do."

How often do we go through circumstances in life that overwhelm us, that seem to be way, way out of our league?
How often do we feel completely beyond inadequate to face the challenge before us?
How often do we choose panic and fear as our response?
How often do we reach the point of wanting to give up because we simply do not know how to solve the problem?

Today, I was reminded that I can call on my Father any time, with any problem, and He will always know how to solve it. I also realised that His Presence that guided me through present circumstances brought with it a strong, special sense of peace that surpassed all understanding. I learnt that I had no reason to be afraid, because God is with me at all times.  :) He is only a prayer away.

Papa will know. 
Stop listening to the fear, and choose instead to listen to His perfect instructions. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, for I, the Lord your God, am with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9

Soul Food

"Listen my beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?"
- James 2:5

A reminder to remove prejudice from our lenses and begin to see, to really see the beauty in our humanity.