I felt this post weighing on my heart at Discipleship tonight. First off, Discipleship was just off the hook tonight. I cannot experience moments like this and have a single doubt about Him remain. God is so real, so good and He loves us so much. Today Pastor Debbie had an altar call for people who were struggling in a certain area, who needed healing from God tonight. To be in the audience and watch so, SO many people take a brave step out to the front to receive prayer and stand before God, crying out "Lord I need you to set me free from this", to watch person after person get touched by the Holy Spirit and cry tears of exhaustion and relief, to witness emotional healing right before my eyes and listen to breakthrough stories from my close friends afterwards, to feel my own heart speed up in awe.. how can I not be moved by God? I love situations like this, because I feel that God shows off how beautiful He is unashamedly, as He goes and ministers to everyone individually and helps them pick up the pieces of their broken heart.
Some days, I have my doubts too. Some days I wonder, if I'm just making a huge mistake committing my life to this cause, to this Person. But then I look back, and I see essentially.. my best friend. The One who sat with me through teary nights, painful moments, but also the One who brought me all the joy I have in my soul now. Every bit of goodness and sunshine in me, is without a doubt, just a reflection of Him, it is ALL from Him. James 1:17 says -"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning."
He knows me better than I know myself, and so I wanna spend my life knowing Him. I've been a Christian for 7 years now, and I have never regretted coming into relationship with Jesus Christ. I have never run out of things to learn, or grow in, and I have never stopped being challenged to be even better than I am now, to love more and give more and encourage more and even give my best in every area. Call me crazy for talking about Him like He's a person, but that's the truth I know deep in my spirit and will vouch for undoubtedly. Often times, He is even the real-est thing in my life.
And if I was alone on this, I'd think I was crazy too. Because if the Word of God is true and it says that Jesus came to die for ALL MEN, then the kind of relationship I have with God must not be limited to just me. Well, it isn't, and by the fact that I am constantly surrounded by people who know their God as well, and are holding on to Him as they fight through personal battles.. either God is real or we're all just a bunch of people chasing shadows. Pastor Wendy Perez said,"Either He's God or He isn't". That's just something you have to decide for yourself. I love that in the house I live in now in Melbourne, I constantly hear testimonies from my housemates. The testimonies NEVER END, like seriously. I've heard "God healed my foot today", "God healed my vomiting", "God never let me go", "The Holy Spirit touched me today and it was so amazing", "God revealed to me this about you", "God provided", "God told me that..".. and the list goes on and on. And not just them, I hear testimonies all the time from fellow believers, my sister, my urban life members, other friends.. I choose to believe that we live the way we live because each of us has encountered God in a deeply personal way, and since then, we were never the same again. But that's the best part, God takes us on a journey and it doesn't end at deciding to follow Him, it begins there and life since.. is just watching the overflow of His grace and love.
Recently, I had been struggling with who God was. The Word says that He keeps His promises, and I had been holding Him to that for so long, as I mentioned in my previous post. I grabbed on to that like a child was grabbing a toy that I didn't realise another powerful aspect of my God - He can't stay away from my pain. So many times this year, I have just been going through the motions of life, being strong when I felt weak, and there were instances where I felt especially crap, when I really just can't find the strength to take another step without breaking down. Always, ALWAYS, at my point of ultimate desperation, strength will come from unlikely places. I remember the night at Combined Urbs where Pastor Rudy just had a word for someone in the crowd, as prompted by the Holy Spirit. He talked about exactly the storm going through my mind, things he could not have possibly known unless by divine encounter, for I told no one. I remember the time my housemates gave me a card that was LOADED with encouragements, when I was fighting with something very difficult for me. I remember the promises and exact words I needed to hear at Beautiful Woman conference, spoken out to the audience. I remember feeling peace just.. wash over my spirit and make everything okay again. He just couldn't stay away from my struggles even as He's making me wait to see my promises come true. I love that about Him, love it so much! :)
I just realised that this post sounds a little morbid in the sense that there's so much tears and struggling everywhere. Let me clarify, God isn't just God in the storm, He's a God that brings amazing things too! "In His presence is fullness of joy". So many times, I have walked down the street and just started smiling, because God is just so good to me, and so funny too. Like the time, I was asking to see gold dust fall from heaven because I know that it has happened so many times before in various places, and I opened my eyes to see the gold nail polish of the person in front of me. It was a pretty funny moment, I gotta admit. Just recently, a precious friend of mine just randomly decided to bless me with a new bag for no particular reason too. I love that culture that we develop from experiencing the generosity of God! Who wouldn't be happy to get a new bag when her old one was getting a bit tatty and dirty? Oh and the funniest thing, yesterday before I got onto the bus, I was just thinking, God, it would be so great if the Myki reader on the bus was broken so that I can get a free ride. I got on the bus, and HEEHEE, it was broken. Hahah, I was so happy and shocked it actually happened, but it reminded me of the time Ying asked God a whiteboard at urbs and that very night, a whiteboard appeared out of nowhere in the room we had been meeting in, when there was never a whiteboard there in all the previous weeks we had been there.
I have found so much fullness in living my life over the past seven years, and increasingly with each year too. To be honest, I really don't know who I would be today if I never met Jesus. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be who I am today though. I love living by faith, and living on encouragements and loving people wholeheartedly. I love watching God in action, and talking to Him as I walk anywhere alone and hear Him speak back to me. I love the warm fuzzy feeling I get in my hands when I lift them in worship, and the way my skin tingles when the Holy Spirit's presence becomes so tangible in a room. I love that I have never once looked back and wondered if my life would be better without Him. Even if, and it's a BIG IF, I am in fact wrong about everything, I believe that I will still keep living the way I do now. My life is so good like this, so full of beauty, and trials that I know are only temporary. I live believing that there is more to this life than just, going through the motions and sticking to the status quo. I believe that I live a very full life, and if that is all I ever get, I think that I still have much to be thankful for. Like C.S Lewis wrote in one of his books from The Chronicles of Narnia- "I will live like a Narnian even if there isn't any Narnia."
But luckily, I know that that's not true. :) All I need to do is look back and see His hand upon my life over and over again to know that He's real.
So after my long speech here, I am led again to ask, Why am I a Christian?
Because of 1 John 4:19 - "We love Him because He first loved us."Simple as that.
I hope this post in some way encourages you, or stirs something in your Spirit. My last intention would be to force Jesus on you, but I wrote this merely to share about the goodness of God in my life. Take away from it what you will. :)
God bless you! :)
"The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."
- Numbers 6:25
Love very much,
Dice
