picking up the pieces

i think.. that i'm learning to find joy in the little things again.

i'm learning to let go, let God and be happy.

it's not much yet, and i'll drop all the pieces again soon, but for now, i'm healing, bit by bit.

thank You God. :)

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these other things will be added unto you."
- Matthew 6:33

promise

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

a year in blogposts

it's been a good year. :) the best. thank You God.

heartbeat

Dear Lord,

i want so much to do the right thing. but.. what is the right thing? what is the road You want for me? Some days i feel so burnt out Lord, like i don't want to be me anymore. i want to be stubborn, rash, impulsive, irresponsible, risky, exciting. i want to do everything wrong, just because i want to. and yet i feel that all familiar conviction, that that's not the right thing to do. that Your way is the best way. that everything You plan out for my life is for it to turn out better than i could have ever imagined. i still remember my meeting with rose Lord, i was so certain then that there should be no regretting following Your way at all, and the opportunities let go along the way are nothing compared to Your great plan. now i'm having trouble keeping true to those words. i wanna be honest with You Lord, some days i get so angry that You would give me good things and then turn my life in such a way that i have to let go. i have on more than one occasion resented You for the obstacles You have placed in my life, the ones i talk about so easily when they aren't in my life. God You know how i used to be when i was young, how i'd give in to people sulkily and purposely do what was asked of me with a bitter heart. i think that lately i've been acting that way with You too. with a "FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY! i'll make You regret this" attitude. but Lord i'm sorry. i don't know if i should even be getting angry at You, cause that's rather disrespectful ain't it. after all You've done for me, it seems so stupid and inconsiderate to be acting this way at all. i truly am sorry God, please, teach me the right way to deal with all these emotions within me.

so Lord, i just pray that You'll teach me to follow Your way Lord. that You would break me if that's what it takes to use me for Your glory. that even if coming trials are gonna break my heart, or exhaust me completely or just leave me dead empty, teach me Lord to surrender my life with You. i know that You have called me to die to self. to put Your desires for my life above my own. God i know i cannot do this alone, it's too difficult and i have barely any strength left. help me Lord Jesus, to see beyond the 'now', to reject instant gratification, but to hold out for so much more and see the bigger picture. at the end of the day God, if You ask me to go, I will go, as much as i don't want to, if it's what You ask of me, I will go. and i will go knowing You love me tremendously, and that Your way will give me life and life to the fullest.

Father God, please also give me the strength to hold on Lord. when things get tough, when i start to lose my spirit, when all i want to do is just give up, help me to go on, just a little bit more, just a little bit more, until i see You waiting for me at the finish line. i know You aren't a mean God that loves watching me suffer, that's such a ridiculous notion even. i know You care for me more than anyone ever would, and Lord if ever i forget that in the future, and i know i will, i pray that You would bring me back on my knees again, to remember that You reign over my life, now and forevermore.

i see all the tears about to flow, heartbreaks yet to come, pain about to be endured, and i get so so terrified Lord. but i choose this Lord. i choose the narrow way, and though i know i will falter and crave the wide road again, i choose You. i pray that this prayer would always be a reminder, and encouragement to move forward, holding Your hand and letting go of anything that isn't a part of Your will for me. no matter what happens Lord, i will still trust You and i will always love You. Thank You Lord, for loving a sinner such as me.

Amen.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
- Mercy Me

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
— C.S. Lewis.

butterflies in my stomach

.. i'm not ready to leave just yet. or maybe i am, i just.. don't want to. :/

sorry bout the emo post. have a BLESSED CHRISTMAS! :)

spirit of Christmas

today, i was feeling quite bad that i hardly got any Christmas presents for people this year. and Christmas is supposed to be a season of giving after all. and i was thinking about how i could get some stuff last minute and all, but Christmas eve dinner at crisis home and an unexpected thank-you note from a dear friend really made me see things a little bit differently. i have always found that, a great pleasure comes from watching people open the gifts i have given them, to see the joy and gratitude in their expressions. but in the little things i gave, things i didn't even expect much in return from, things like time, love, encouragement, i received back even more joy than i had ever seen. and while i admit, i should have gotten more presents for people this year, i feel deeply joyful and blessed in seeing the little things i offered take root, and change lives, if only for a little bit. so i think my question now is, what kind of gifts are we treasuring today? material gifts can only go so far. i have been greatly challenged by the people in my Christmas this year, to give more.. of myself. to give more of the important things, to love others with the love of Christ. :) truly, it is more blessed to give than to receive.

and on the other hand i have learnt to be more thankful in.. well, life. i read this story recently, and here it is first..

Where’s Johnny’s Cap?

I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more. —Psalm 71:14

A story is told about a family that went on a picnic by a lake. At one point, their 5-year-old son waded into the lake, stepped into deep water, and sank out of sight. None of the adults in the family knew how to swim, so they ran up and down the shore in panic while the child bobbed up and down and screamed for help. Just then, a man happened by who sized up the situation, leaped into the lake, and rescued the boy. He climbed out on the bank with the child, who was frightened but unharmed, only to hear the mother ask with irritation, “Where’s Johnny’s cap?”

So often we focus on small disappointments that cause us to grumble and complain rather than focusing on the wonderful things God has brought into our lives, not the least of which is His everlasting love and eternal salvation. When we complain about the small dissatisfactions of life, we’re asking, in effect, “Where’s Johnny’s cap?”

Paul wrote, “In everything give thanks” (1 Thess. 5:18). We may not be thankful for everything that comes our way, but we can give thanks in everything. It may be difficult to be grateful when we lose our job or our health fails, but we can be thankful for the good that God has brought to us in this life and grateful for the life to come. —David Roper

yea.. so now very often i ask myself, why am i only thinking about johnny's cap? sometimes people don't give you the iphone or car you want, but in the bigger picture, they've given you so much more by being a friend. sometimes you don't get the results you want, but you have so much more, a family, friends, God. oh and not forgetting how often i can be so irritated by something small a person does, a little flaw, a meaningless mistake and forget the so many other good things they are, how much they have done for me. i learnt, that sometimes you take some, sometimes you give some. and we learn to see, that the little flaws are NOTHING compared to everything else. so this Christmas especially, let's not focus on just the material presents, let's give more love, more hope, more faith and be thankful for each and every good thing God has placed in our live. We are already.. beyond blessed. :) one of my greatest gifts from people this year is their belief in me, especially when i have lost all faith in myself. thank you. :) and joy! thank you everyone for all the joy you have brought to my life! :D

ooh i really liked this too! :)

Love and Mercy
Posted: 23 Dec 2010 10:00 PM PST
He…loads me with love and mercy. Psalm 103:4

It’s time to let God’s love cover all things in your life. All secrets. All hurts. All hours of evil, minutes of worry.

Discover along with the psalmist: “He…loads me with love and mercy.” Picture a giant dump truck full of love. There you are behind it. God lifts the bed until the love starts to slide. Slowly at first, then down, down, down until you are hidden; buried and covered in his love.

haha i'm feeling all fuzzy inside now. best Christmas ever. thank You Lord, for showing me what matters to You, for teaching me Your heart's desire, and for blessing me beyond what i have ever imagined. i love You Lord, happy birthday! <3 :)


the important things. <3

have a blessed Christmas!
candice :)

through different eyes

i think that i recently learnt that what might seem praise-worthy in the world, is not necessarily what God intends for our lives. For example, a man who gives up a 6 figure salary might be called into the slums, to serve there. a mother might be called to give up her job, her passions, to go a different direction, to be a good mother. from crisis home i learnt, that God can even use HIV as a tool to reach out to so many lost people. also, many people would consider obtaining poor results as a failure, provided of course they did their best, but i think i remembered the unchanging truth today, that NO MATTER WHAT, God is still in control. He doesn't always give us what we want, what we think is good, but instead plans out our life in detail, putting in a few detours here and there, all to remind us that at the end of the day, He is still Lord. He is still God and He is still almighty.

so how are you looking at your life today? when everything seems to be falling apart, know that God is working in you. know that He's up to something bigger, greater than you've ever imagined. and that in the years to come, you'll see how all the puzzle pieces of your life fit into place.. perfectly. :) and even as you're stuck in the NOW, take a look at your life, through different eyes. keep praying, and keep the faith. God is moving. :)

therefore, i no longer want to be committed to my dream. i have decided to be committed to God's dream for me, no matter the cost. though i may stumble and fall and break down along the way, i know that no other road but this one will offer me the utmost satisfaction and joy and fulfillment from having lived at all.

He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
- Isaiah 55:3

well on another note, i'm come to realize that hoping.. really really hurts. :/ but to live without hope, that's no life at all. to live is to bleed, to hurt, to cry, to suffer, to desire, to thirst, to submit to God. today i thank You God that wherever i go next, i can be so certain that You are with me, and because of that i am able to live.. FREE. thank You Lord Jesus. :) Happy early birthday!

What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open.
- Revelations 3:7b


never stop fighting,
candice

all glory to God

"Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
Our God is higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, Our God

And if our God is for us
Then who could ever stop us
And if our God with us
Then what could stand against"
- Our God

this is the song we've been singing in conference and it is SO TRUE over my life. receiving my SAM results last week was an overwhelming experience for me, i had been so afraid, so terrified i wouldn't be able to get into any uni even. and when i saw the results, i just knew, that it was ALL by God's grace. truly if God is for us, no one can be against us. i remembered when rose preached on Gideon and how God reduced their army to 300 people, so that they would have no excuse to say they did it by their own strength. only by God's strength were they able. and in this exam, i can honestly say, that i too could not have done this by my own strength. all glory and praise goes to God. thank You Lord, for caring about these little things in my life too. i love You Lord! :)

this year's greater things conference was amazing, and i think the best part of it for me was going to Crisis Home and meeting the residents there, hearing about their lives and seeing the miracle that God has handcrafted in their lives. i have been so so blessed by their testimonies, kindness, faith, love and passion to live. this Christmas i wished to witness a miracle in the lives of those around me, and i got it. each one of their lives, the way they live, the fact that they're alive and how thankful they are to God is nothing short of a miracle. there's one uncle i became quite fond of, though i'm not sure of his name. i just call him uncle. he's visually impaired but the way he smiles when he knows people are happy around him, it's really beautiful. he's so content with this life, and secure in knowing those in his life are content. over and over i learn that people are so so beautiful when you give them a chance and i am blown away by the One that created us all.


beautiful, incredible, strong people! :)

to be continued...

till then,
candice! :)

matrimony

HAHAHHAH. so in response to christine's proclamation of love to me, i decided to write her/you one back! :)

you crazy woman, life with you as my husband is not easy lor! always kena kicked and slapped and who knows what else you do to ABUSE me... heheh, but i have so many good memories with you, so much i have you to thank for. i've never met anyone as crazy as you, and thanks for always listening to me, even when you don't want to. thanks for believing in me too. :) hahaha can't believe i've only known you for... two years ar? feels like FOREVER already. come home soon k? to your loving wife! or just wait for me to go there la. :) LOVE you hubs! my future husband has very big shoes to fill! :)

and stop looking at wedding pics can anot!!!!


chrissy and dice <3

love,
candice :)

running on hope

"Nothing worth doing was ever easy."

I'm in. :)

old times

i suddenly really miss sherlyn fung shum shum. and the rest of tot. somehow i stumbled across her old blog today and saw all the old posts, all the things we used to do together. hahha, peanut i miss you!!! there's so much going on in each other's life that we don't know anymore, hence we need a CATCH-UP SESSION soon! :) i remember how we used to have two-hour long phone calls every other night, and how we used to sneak into class with our breakfast club to eat and i'd always bring rocky and get scolded by you all for it, how we used to laugh at all the stupidest things (like nagu or faris), how we study-grouped at faris' place for the rendang, how you made really awesome choc-peppermint cookies that one time. so much memories from so long ago huh! :')

i found these!! :P



man i miss you peanut!!!

sighhh, other than that.. results will be out on thursday!!! HHEEE HOOO! i keep telling myself that i'm gonna believe in God for these results! whatever happens is what He intends for my life, and even if it's not what i want, it'll be what He wants and this, i should fear nothing. :)


haha here's a little something to make you smile! i love reading old baby blues comics, they're my favourite! zoe is the adorable-est la i tell you! :)

trusting God with EVERYTHING,
candice :)

surreal

today... i realized something. :) i realized, that every little thing we do matters. i think so very often, we go through life unaware of this fact, that our actions do in fact influence others. sometimes we say hurtful things without thinking twice, and may never see the consequences of that, hence never learning our lesson. sometimes we do the simplest things like smiling at a stranger, or giving money to a beggar, and for all we know, that little act prevented them from taking their own life.

so, what if.. changing the world began with something as small, as the little things? :)

maybe next time then, we'll hold our tongue. we'll reach out to people. we'll smile more. we'll give some time to listen.

and by doing that, we would have changed the world. we would have changed someone's world. perhaps a small change, but a change nevertheless.

so this.. is a reminder for me, to never ever underestimate the little things in my life. only God knows how many of these little things that others have done for me has changed and molded me to who i am today. to all of you, thank you so much. :)

love,
candice :)

belief

"You can drive at 16, go to war at 18, drink at 21, and retire at 65. So who can say what age you have to be, before you know your love is true?"
- One Tree Hill

faith, hope, love

remembering..

that it is a blessing to be a part of someone else's life,

that it is a gift to be challenged to have faith in others,

that it is an honour to listen.

thank You God. :)

meaning

as much as i love having breaks from schooling/college life, i hate long holidays. i'm rested enough already! it's in moments like these where i barely have anything to do but hang out that i begin to ponder on the meaning of my life. and... i usually have no answer regarding 'right now'. :/

i've been looking for miracles lately. i don't know why, or i can barely remember when i started to, but the desire to witness a miracle so huge in the life of anyone around me has become really great. this year, God has worked countless miracles in me, blessing me with so much more that i expected to receive, and it felt, it feels amazing. and i don't know, it feels like i don't want to look at myself anymore, i want to see God move in the lives dear to me, i want to see broken families healed, i want to see battles won, i want to see obstacles conquered, i want to see God in my midst, i want to see God.. everywhere. i guess to some it's a pretty random desire, but i've decided, that's all i want for Christmas this year. :)

i think i learnt a lot from various people this year. but perhaps the biggest lesson i learnt this year, was to be patient. to be patient with angry people, difficult people, crazy people, all kinds of people la. to be patient in wanting to make a difference, to be patient in seeing God's plan over my life unfold, to be patient in all things that i do. and just today i read in elena's blog that she learnt so many lessons through difficulties. i agree completely, the greatest lessons that we learn are those we gain through tough experiences, through the obstacles we have overcome.

recently i went to cameron highlands for a family holiday, and it was quite enjoyable! :) i love visiting small towns and seeing the way locals live, i love seeing schools in rural areas and being so amazed, simply because. i love seeing people live their lives, so simple, so easy, so contented. we visited this huge Boh tea plantation and had to walk like 3km into the woods to find it, but it was worth it. deep there in the vast plantation, was a settlement, a community of its own. and i thought it was really cool, for entertainment, the kids there have each other. they live such simple lives, so.. free. and on many different occassions i have wished to live such a life. where i didn't have to face the constant burden and pressure of studying hard and of receiving results, where i didn't have to try so hard to fit into a difficult world, where life wasn't so.. complex. i think i would quite enjoy living a simple life, of plucking tea leaves, or catching fish in the sea (?).

but yet.. it would be an empty desire. like i always say, there are some dreams we dream, and other dreams we make come true. this, isn't it. at least, i don't think so.. a part of me wants to live completely free to do whatever i like, live every single life possible on earth, to soak up the wholeness of life in collecting experiences from life everywhere. but a larger part of me, refuses. that larger part of me doesn't want to follow the easy desires of my heart, it wants to follow the desires of God's heart. to live the life He want me to live, a life of servanthood. i am reminded that it is in difficulty that i learn to give God my all. and over and over again, i have felt God tell me that this is what He wants for me right now, to go study medicine the best i can and leave the rest up to Him. somedays, it sounds so impossible that i could do all this, and i just cannot believe that the voice i am hearing is really God's. still, i know. still, i cannot run. still, i must prepare my fields for rain, i must prepare myself for God. and at the end of my life, i may have scars and wounds, i may be exhausted, but if i lived according to God's will, i will have lived.. a life worthwhile.

today as i walked out of chosen treasure, i pondered, what does it mean to live the Christian life? what does it mean to be.. free?
in some areas of my life, i have wanted to do things my way, to have it all about me and only me. i want to be free to make my own mistakes, my own choices, and collect my own experiences. and when i am bound by thoughts such as these, i struggle with the voice of reason within me that says seek God. i struggle, because i am afraid of God's answer, will it be the one i want to hear? always, when i look to the future and imagine future difficulties, future pain, i get so terrified, how will i ever make it through? which makes me afraid to make the wrong decisions. this is my burden, overthinking. many people have told me so. and in my prison of thoughts, i will discover that i have a way out, not a safe way nor an easy one, but the right one. the Bible says "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right hand, or whenever you turn to the left." - Isaiah 30:21. i think, that in the grand scheme of things, that, is what it means to be truly free. to have a God that does not condemn, a God that catches you everytime you fall. a God that challenges you to be all He intended you to be, and a God that loves you beyond imagination.

because i have a God to turn to when i don't know the answers, i am free.
because i believe in a God that is with me through joys and tears, i am free.
because my God died to redeem me, i am free.
i am free, now and forevermore.
and sometimes i will not get to do what i want to do, i will not get the instant gratification i desire, but it will be such, because God intended a better life of deeper joy for me.
a life that requires.. patience.

The greatest freedom i can experience is by submitting to God-ordained authority.
- Ephesians 5:21

i read this on the cover of a book today!
"in times of despair, God asks, am i not still God?"
LIKE WHOA.

oh and i cut my hair today! guy took SO MUCH hair, i'm practically bald now. :(


letting the good memories give me the faith i need to embrace the future

"..knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
- James 1:3-4

deciding to believe,
candice

it's the little things that count

i could use some tlc now! hahah sis totally gave me a new big bruise on my knee. GRR.

hmm since my life has been fairly uneventful lately, though i did spend my first of december 2010 with wenshi, mich, and hulk-lena, and 30 ikea meatballs, but yea.. rest of my days are filled with FRINGE, with is SUPERB i tell you! hahhaha i loved this episode, didn't have a vid so settled for the quote! super corny sweet i tell you!

The Observer: Who is she? Why did you save her?
August: I saw her many years ago. She was a child. Her parents had just been killed. She was crying. But she... she was brave. She crossed my mind... somehow. She never left it. I think... it's what they call... feelings. I think... I love her.

and they supposedly don't feel wan la. sighh good stuff. :)

i had a random thought today! if life was a marathon, i don't think i wanna just... run. long-distance's always been quite boring comparing to team sports, but it was the only thing i was good at in school. and everytime, it was just about enduring, moving, breathing. what if i don't want to JUST move, JUST run, JUST breathe? if all i have is ~80 years, i'd much rather jump along my tracks, dance, cartwheel, laugh with other people, sit and watch the flowers, sing off-key and tickle other people and do who knows what else. because in life, i wouldn't want to come in first. i'd like to come in dead last, with experience, joy, and life itself gained. :) just a random thought.

and i did question once, if cartwheeling would be effective in a marathon when you're super exhausted. HMMMMMM. hehehhe.

so.. driving starts moro. guess i am becoming a big girl now. :)

love,
candice

enduring the worst

and before i know it, it'll be february..

.. and a new chapter of my life will begin,

but i'm not ready for this one to end just yet.

hand in hand

"Be still, and know that I am God."
- Psalms 46:10

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose."
- Jim Elliot

the invitation

"That's the beauty of it, now you get to go and find a new dream. :)"
- Rapunzel

"I know you're tired, but now is when you lead, this is when it matters most."
"It's all heart from here."
"For the rest of your lives, you'll remember today, i want you to remember that you did not give up, you did not lose heart, you did not stop fighting, you did not quit."
- Facing the Giants

"How far would you go, for someone you love?"
- Fringe

"There no way to be a perfect parent, but a million ways to be a really good one."
- Cheaper by the Dozen 2

both cheaper by the dozens are so good and heartwarming! :)

:D bye!

reminisce

looking back at old blogposts is a very overwhelming experience for me. i randomly clicked on march, and saw all the posts from then, events and thoughts that felt so far away. has one year passed already? and yet the biggest reminder i got from reading all these again is that, above all, God was faithful to me this year, He was so faithful, even when i wasn't.

though 2010 isn't over yet, thank You God, for the 135 posts this year that remind me over and over again that You are Lord over my life, that You.. will never forsake me. :) thank You for all the beauty and joy and love You have blessed me with this year, it's been an incredible one. :) i love You Lord! :D haven't said that in a while, but i do! :D


dedicated to friends who are there to catch you when you fall. :)


wishing you holiday cheers,
candice :)

further

"Give the world your best and it may never be enough. Give the world your best anyways."
- Mother Teresa

leap of faith

it's been a while since i posted long posts here! :) here goes nothing, and it's REALLY MESSY!

today i was by myself in KLCC for about two hours i think. gave me lots of time to think and have my music therapy. seems like no matter where i am at home, i can't do this. funny, how i went to a place flooded with people to feel even more alone. not in the weird alone way, just i think i found peace today, in observing the life around me. the lives that move, that interact, that radiate uniquely. it's beautiful really. :) i sat in bakin' boyz(?) observing a father and his two sons in the coin operated batman ride, and it seemed so ordinary, yet extraordinary still. hmm, i'm not making sense anymore, but i loved it, the chance to be still and see the beauty in this world. :) to remember that there are other people living in this world, other stories that are not my own. :D

my sister has been pretty paranoid about how safe malaysian streets are since she came home. and today as we 'braved' the LRT to go to KLCC, i realized how much i didn't wanna see everyone as 'potential bad guy's. it has been so often stigmatized that there are so many foreign workers and poverty-stricken people here that would immediately snatch your bag when they see you. and on this note, how many of us do actually turn away in fright when someone fitting the profile approaches us? today as i pondered about this in the train, i remembered my ESL project on refugees. i wrote against this very stereotyping, and how it wasn't fair to judge people based on their nationality or looks. granted, you can't be naive and oblivious in today's age and time either, but what happened to the benefit of the doubt? seems like things have gotten so bad, that strangers are hardly ever 'family you come to know' anymore. i don't know bout you, but i find that really sad. i passed by so many lonely people today, and i wished that i was courageous enough to speak to them. to simply say hi, or get to know their story, their lives. maybe even to say, "hey, Jesus loves you you know? :)" but i never possessed that courage. or never dared to risk it i guess. partly due to how dangerous this world has become, and it's such a shame really. think of all the people we could know and love if we lived in a 'safe' world.
but perhaps, all i need to do is to start practicing what i preach and just do it. :)

throughout this year, i have on countless occassions also learnt that we have to learn to be the person that others need, not necessarily who we want to be for them. it is important i think, to realize that recognition is not the most important thing. i mean day to day, there are irritable people around us who might be having a bad day. and what we need to do, what they need us to do is give them space, as much as we don't want to. this year i learnt to bite my tongue and hold back anger, knowing that my actions has a greater significance and that in doing so, someone else's life is changed, is better for it. and it isn't something people would remember, but it is so important. like mother teresa says "in the final analysis, it's between you and God, it was never between you and them." and on another example, i have on some occassions this year had friends going through tough times, and naturally when a person cries, i (you too?) would want to do something about it, stop the tears, be the hero. but time and time again, it is vital to recognize what they need, and not what i want to do. to hear their heart's cry and not my own. and in those moments, perhaps the best thing i could do would be to walk away, and let someone else more needed to dry those tears. to let God work and trust, simply. and like i said, this action goes without recognition most of the time, yet it is usually a more difficult option. that's love isn't it? doing whatever it takes for the one you love. haha, just some random thoughts from my mind. :)

i heard this quote once, "if you want to kill me, just take away my reason for living." in all those crime movies, you always see the hero taking whatever mr.badguy throws at him. you can cut the hero, burn him, slice him, he'll hang in there. but hurt the ones he loves and it's a different story altogether. and it's amazing really, how people love so fiercely, and i don't really know what else i wanted to type here but yea... it's amazing. :)

this year, i stopped knowing answers. things became more challenging for me. i think that in all the previous years of my existence, i have always known what was right and what was wrong. how i reacted to that knowledge however, may not have always hit the mark though. still, i knew, i understood. and this year, over and over again, i find myself with no answer. i have no idea where the line between right and wrong is, yet the questions keep coming. how do i do the right thing, if i don't know what it is anymore? i guess this is God's way of reminding me that i need Him, i need to hear His voice, follow His direction, but it's so easy to be stubborn and lazy sometimes. to have more faith in myself than i do in my God. somedays i look ahead and fear, immensely. it's been so difficult getting through 2010 already and i know that i cannot survive the coming times without God. and yet my relationship with Him is shaky, due to my own imperfections. at best, it's improving, but there are those stagnant phases you know? and i am more afraid of those times, than challenging times with things right with God in my life. i have been in the desert phase before, and it is so so tough. i know people going through it, and it's just so horrible to have God silent. and i guess this is what happens when i'm alone with my thoughts for too long, i just spin out of control. and i worry, and do so excessively. sigh, so yea, i worry about this too.

have you ever heard the phrase that 'some mistakes have to be made'? i think i'm starting to understand what that means, personally. but then again, a mistake's called a mistake for a reason. interesting food for thought! :P

at the end of the day, i still CHOOSE to believe in the good of others.

feels good to dump here again after so long, but i'm sleepy already, so good night! :) God bless youuu! :)

lots of love,
candice

just perfect

upon the request of miss michelle liew, i am blogging! :)

well, firstly, after yesterday, my 17th birthday is officially the BEST ever. :) MUCH THANKS to ce, josh, kat, rachel, bryan, adriel and the three funny women that managed to surprise me this time-lilian, mich and elena! i really enjoyed my friday! ;)

hahahah yea.. so... bye mich! :)


love you all loads,
candice :)

home

Home by Westlife / Michael Buble

Another sunny day,
Has come and gone away,
In Paris and Rome,
I want to go home,
Mmmmmm
Maybe surrounded by,
A million people I,
Still feel all alone,
I just want to go home,
Oh I miss you, You know,
And i've been keeping all the letters,
That I wrote to you,
Each one a line or to,
I'm fine baby how are you,
Well I would send them but,
I know it's that it's just not enough,
The words were cold and flat,
And you deserve more, Than that,

Another aeroplane,
Another sunny place,
I'm lucky, I know,
But I want to go home,
I've got to go home,
Let me go home
Im just too far,
From where you are,
I've got to come home,
Let me come home,
I've had my run,
Baby i'm done,
I want to come home,

And I feel just like,
I'm living,
Someone else's life,
It's like i just stepped outside,
When everything was going right,
And I know just why you could not come along with me,
'Cause this was not your dream,
But you always believed in me,

Another winter day,
Has come and gone away,
In either Paris and Rome,
And I Want To Go Home,
I miss you, You know,
Let me go home,
I've had my run,
Baby i'm done,
I want to go home,
Let me go home,
It'll all be alright,
I'll be home tonight,
I'm coming back home.


cause Malaysia's.. home.

days come when i wonder where exactly i will be in three months. on an aeroplane? headed to clayton (this only by God's miracle), headed to Melbourne Uni, or the slim chance of not going at all?

where will i be?

and why does every answer scare me? but leaving, starting over yet again in a whole new place, it's terrifying. i mean starting college was scary enough, but like my sister would say, i'm gonna make the closest friends ever in australia. yet from where i am now, a new beginning doesn't sound so pleasant. sure, in maybe a year or so, i'll say it was one of the best things i ever did, but till then.. i can't stop pondering on the life i've built for myself here, the memories, and all that i would have to leave behind. malaysia is home, and it always will be. what if i go there, and i meet all the wrong kinds of friends? what if i lose myself, my character, my 'muchness' when i'm in a completely different environment? what if i lose everything that i've fought to be?

and the thought of making FULL use of my time left here to actually make some sort of difference in the lives of those around me scares me even more. even now, i struggle to be patient, to be strong, to trust God every day. and on more than one ocassion have i been overwhelmed by how difficult life is when you wanna live it well, though i know that my life is already fantastic in comparison to many others. but i can't shake that feeling, that some days i don't want to have to try so hard to do the right thing anymore. i don't want to have to put in so much effort to be goody two shoes, to have people around me waiting for me to crash and burn. and when surviving alone can be so tough sometimes, how am i expected to have strength left, to make a difference? and what difference la. sigh.. just in a messy rambly mood now.

candice

difficult

.. because nothing worth doing was ever easy.

.. because God's plan for me is bigger than i expected.

.. because it's okay to feel tired as long as you don't stop running.

.. because this is the heart that God gave me.

.. because this is where He put me.

.. because through this i will grow.

.. because this is the next level.

.. because God believes i can.

and above all..

..because God is always with me.

"My strength and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
- Psalms 73:26

torn between two dreams

ONLY A PERSON WHO RISKS IS FREE
by Author Unknown

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

how i turned 17

i think i had the best birthday ever this year, tho every year seems like the best birthday ever, but i liked that i felt so comfortable with the people i spent it with and i loved all the FAILED surprises too! so this... is how i turned 17, with some of my favourite people in the world. :)

it was prom night on the 15th of november. so by the end of the night, elena and mich were all, let's go to the lobby to take pictures! and we all went down and they started exclaiming 'wah!!!! so nice the lobby!' while i was already laughing to myself. what they DIDN'T know, was that the day before, lilian accidentally sent me a message intended for elena, that said, "my mum can drop me at the hotel, how big a cake you want ah? and should we surprise her there or at your apartment?(lilian didn't come for prom see)" like LOL when i got that, cause a few moments earlier, my mum just spoiled another surprise. so anyways, she tried to cover it up but... FAIL la. hahahahha! so there we were in the lobby when evelyn accidentally said, "where's lilian?" HAHAHHAHAHA, i was laughing already la, and tai kor was all, why you laughing arrr???? then i showed him lilian's message and he gave me the death stare! LOL. anyways, lilian reached with a box of cakes and they started singing for me outside the hotel. i was REALLY REALLY TOUCHED and HAPPY, though NOT SURPRISED. that made my birthday the best birthday already, even in the first eight minutes. :) everyone was scolding each other after that for ruining it, but i was still happy la, funner this way. :P

so we all went to sleepover at elena's apartment, stooopid guard don't let lilian park inside, made us all so angry. we reached at one something and after showering and eating our mamak food, which i was sent to buy because apparently only i didn't look like a 'prostitute' according to my mum, cause i had changed already, it was FOUR AM already. needless to say, we're all BEYOND sleep deprived. so in the morning, mich got a call from 'lilian' cause she went home for a while, but i could hear that it was a DUDE'S voice on the phone. it was SO FUNNY, when she put down the phone, she just put on her poker face and said "lilian says she's on her way." :P

so we went downstairs with all our stuff and waited at this closed row of shops apparent waiting for this really nice restaurant to open. LOL...... then we moved to a pondok by the pool where a few minutes later, the guys came with my birthday present(s)- including my FAVOURITE dim sum porridge and mango pudding. *HEART MELTS* so yea, the restaurant we were waiting for did serve AWESOME food after all! :P they also gave me this really cool photo album of all our pictures together, which was another semi-failed surprise. :P like a month earlier, mich took a picture of her computer screen to show me a dress she liked, and looking at it more closely, i saw a folder named CANDICE below. HAHHAHA, when i sneakily told them, she said "WHY YOU INVADE ON MY PRIVACY??? LOOK AT THE DRESS NOT THE FOLDER!" LOL, gotta love my friends la.

anyways, after that we went to pyramid for HUGEEEE wong kok birthday tea and then for megamind. i was extremely touched that everyone was willing to pay A CRAZY LOT to watch megamind with me since i really wanted to and it only came in 3D at tgv. so we all paid RM21 to watch it though i insisted it was too expensive. :') movie was really cute though, can hear everyone laughing now and then, which was very relieving. :)

and the highlight, was elena's HULKING. she's just COMPLETELY WORN OUT that she started 'sleepwalking' as we call it while she was still awake. at first it was so funny, cause she was BLUR LIKE CRAZY, but after the movie, it was getting very worrying already cause people ACTUALLY thought she was nuts. and that we were abusing her probably, by laughing at her. and she couldn't walk straight and all, so we kept worrying until sending her back to her parent's car.

then i spent the night with my parents, had esquire for dinner which was YUMS, and some cake which che insisted to buy. :) didn't eat any cause i was still feeling FULL and a tad unwell, but it was sweet la, them singing for me and all. :D

so yea.. so far at least, that's how i spent my seventeenth birthday this year. :) no pictures yet, but i had an INCREDIBLY MEMORABLE time, that i certainly will never forget even when i'm old and gray. :D i love you all so much lilian, michelle, elena, gene, wen shi, hsing hwa and adrian, and f course my dearest family too! :D THANK YOU GUYS! :)

and thanks to everyone else who remembered, i was really touched by all your wishes! especially sean and jeremy, you guys were really sweet! hahahha thanks LOADS!

WITH MUCH LOVEEE,
candice :D

radiating metal atoms producing longitudinal sound waves

it's been an emotional day, (not emo) but just PHOOOO! lately something occured to my emotions la i think, maybe exam stress, and i just feel everything.. more, especially when it's not about what i'm going through. like today my sister texted that she got into the exchange program in germany and i felt really happy for her. like super happy too! and when one of my friends was upset the other day but tried really hard to hide it, it really broke my heart too man. seems like every news i get of joy brings me overwhelming joy now and every occurence of sadness just hurts me more than it usually would la.

i don't know whatsup with my emotions but yea.. just felt like sharing this. suprisingly, today turned out to be a good day after all. :)

today i wanna thank You God, for friends, who never leave my side, though i may not see them there sometimes. :) truly Your gifts to Your people are extravagant and beautiful. i love You too Lord! hahha, and it's time for bio now. ughhhh.

i love ya too dear reader, take care, study hard! :)

dreamer

:) today was the maths paper! haha after so many months of numberss, it's finally over with! i am so so happy about today's paper, not because i think i did superbly well or anything, but simply because of how God really showed to me that He was with me in that exam room. :) i face question number 8, and was asked to find the sample mean. it was a one mark question, but i just couldn't figure out how to do it. and a two mark question followed it. so it was three marks, that while i would be sad i lost, would not be life or death la. still, there's this horrible feeling i get when i have questions i don't know how to do in a maths paper. like during the spm add maths paper, i was so relieved to know i finished the paper, but everything changed when i realized i did the last one wrong la. still, that was an awful day la. but anyways!!! back to my story. so, no kidding, i was like praying already God please show me how to do this! and i felt/heard Him tell me AIYA(yes i heard the aiya too)just do the rest of the paper first and come back later. when you come back, you'll know how to do it. so i was like okayy.. and i finished it la, even the last question but i'll talk about that later. and i came back and had fifteen minutes more i think.. i tried and i tried but i just couldn't do it. i was so frustrated at myself and at the paper and just GAHH la. then the invigilator said five minutes more. wah i'd be so unpeaceful if i couldn't do that stupid question. and probably with four minutes left i was like AIYA, i'll just take the average of the two la! better than nothing, even if it's a stupid answer. finished everything with about two minutes left, and i checked my answer with my GC and PTLOMS, it was CORRECT! sigh... i was like thank you GOD!!!

He's been SO faithful to me, and i am just.. blown away man. Thank You so so much Jesus, whatever happens next i surrender it into Your hands! i'm just so grateful for this experience at all. :)

and the last question right, sigh, i don't know why i statrted doing it differently than i usually do these sorta questions. maybe it was my subconscious, but maybe... it was God nudging me yet again. :) halfway through i realized i've never done the question like this before, so i continued it at the empty page next to it and left my working there hanging. but i kept having this feeling that the work i did previously was right. yea after wasting time with working 2, i finally cancelled it and tried continuing the first one again. and somehow, THANK GOD, i managed to get an answer. yes by all means, i know it may not be the right answer, and if it's wrong, i don't really wanna know now either, but just the contentment that came with getting an answer was amazing. haha i've never had testimonies like that before (i think), of God's help in an exam, but i've definitely heard countless testimonies from many people before. :) :)

it's just amazing la. i feel so secure now, whatever the results, it's all in God's hands la. :)

i was pondering today on how stressful this exam has been on me, emotionally especially. yet just to experience God's presence and grace at such a time as this, it makes it so worth it. :) sigh.. :D

i can't wait for exam to be over tho! two more papers!!! HEEHEEEHEEEEEE!


heheh i miss beeing SOOO KRAZY. :D one more week to go!!!

looking for more,
candice :)

the rolling wind of uncertainty

so it's two down, three more to go! this exam period has been really really CHIU KAP STRESSFUL. just imagining results day is enough to make me... wanna jump off a bridge la. i think heaven's nicer. :) but the truth is, i really am just going by faith here. i think about how powerless i am and i go nuts. i think that i've never had to stretch my faith so far before, closing my eyes and letting God work. yesterday as i was panicking again, i switched on my ipod and listened to "How Great is our God". WAH. and once again, after so MANY countless times of assurance, i am reminded that God is great indeed. :) but i am also so grateful for all the people around me who have been encouraging me, helping me pull through and ensuring i do not really lose my mind. :) thank you! :D

I'M SO HUNGRYYY LAR!

oh and happy belated birthday to my tai ka che! :)


thanks for everything che! :) you've always been a role model for me, taking care of me all those times too. :D i remember you making me mummy's ginger chicken when i was hungry that time in australia! and how most days when i'm sitting here, i'll be greeted by "HELLO PRETTY!!!!!" when you come home from work. and the saturday morning walks we USED to go for. and all the friday night movies and shopping trips and car rides home from church. and all the kicking, pinching, screaming, teasing, looks. and every single other memory. :) thanks for always being there for me, you're the bestest and i love you A LOT! :D

and i also realized that it isn't easy to be a parent. i was watching a bit of this hokkien series my mum watchs, and it was something to do with the father working as a kuli to earn money or something like that la. and in rereading for one more day by mitch albom, which i personally find a really good book, all mitch albom books are incredible la actually(and NOT corny), i am reminded of this fact too. chick's mum worked as a maid to put him through college. i can't remember the details, but he was all why? and stuff la. so i think that especially us as teenagers, we don't see what our parents actually do for us. i mean it in the sense like, we don't know every sacrifice they make to give us the best live they can give, we don't know every moment they stood up for us, and in the midst of a small argument, we unearth all the little wrongs they make to feed our anger, to 'win'. in my english letter about teenagers, i wrote that adults should not point fingers to adolescents who have much to learn, but instead look to themselves to see first what they can do to be good role models (or something like that la-i don't wanna think too much bout eng, it was UGHH). and today it just occured to me, that 'not pointing fingers' is a two-way thing. if you want to be understood, you must first understand. which is just a random thought in my mind, you know, that before we blame our parents for everything that's wrong with our families, before we judge them for the mistakes they make, let us remember that they too are humans, and need to be loved and understood as well. :)

"Love like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive."
- Mitch Albom, the five people you meet in heaven

OOH I LOVE THIS.
"There is no such thing as 'too late' in life."
"Sticking with your family is what makes it a family."
"You can find something truly important in an ordinary minute."
- Mitch Albom

and you know what i think??? SAM students are the toughest students in the WORLD. okay maybe second to like ninja/shaolin students la. but really! if you make it through SAM, you can make it through ANYTHING. true story. :)

i was just thinking bout that first quote recently, that there is no such thing as too late. the time we spend mulling over how the marriage can no longer be saved, or the friendship can no longer persevere, is time we should instead spend making things right. :) wah imagine a world, where everyone knew that it's never 'too late' and actually did something about it. that'd be crazy in a good way man. :P

also, i can't believe gerard butler's the phantom in the phantom of the opera! looks so different. but the songs are really good! he sings so emotionally, me and my sister we like WAHHH. hahhaha, man i really wanna go watch a live musical one day! :) that's be cool. :D

MMMM I SMELL err.. YUMMINESS!! dinner calls. bye! study hard! :)

love,
candice

change of heart

"My strength and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
- Psalms 73:26

nothing like an hour of crapping with crazy people to soothe a bad day. :) <3

everlasting

YOU ARE MY FATHER by True Worshippers

It doesn't matter where I run, You're there for me
It doesn't matter what I've done Your love's for me
You wipe away the tears, You lift me when I fall
My life is safe by the mercy of Your grace

It doesn't matter where I go, You walk with me
It doesn't matter when I fall, You cover me
You wipe away the tears, You lift me when I fall
My life is safe by the mercy of Your grace

Chorus:
You are my Father, Provider
You're my Deliverer
Your mercies embrace me, surround me
Through Your everlasting love
Father I worship You
Father I worship You

And Your love is for me
And Your love is for me
And Your love is forever



Jesus loves you, you know? :)
candice <3

just like home

:) G8 is probably the highlight of my 2010, with so many precious memories and joyful moments. i've never felt so at home, with that crazy bunch of screaming people, sweating and smelly together as we walked to parade for our final lunch together as students of Taylor's College. i don't know how to put everything i want to say in neat paragraphs so this really is gonna be just everything i feel, in it's messiness. :)

i really love how we sisters can tell the bros all sorts of embarassing things about us, that all our inside sister jokes have become known to them too. :) i've never met such an incredible bunch of guys who laugh with us about monthly friends, peeing, boys toilets, hulk, unspeakables and so much much more, things none of us would dare to tell other guys about. hahhaha, i remember how when we talking about something stupid that ladylike girls should not discuss in public again, wen shi said, "ohmygosh, you guys better not say that in front of other guys man." hahha, it's kinda new to me, this sort of trust between all of us, and it feels really nice, safe, just like family. :)



i love how the bros chest bumped today, and shouted all at once that something was gonna be legendary. it was so funny, it made me laugh. hahha, :D.


i love how adrianna 'let' us do the hair removal thing on his hand today. but i gotta say man, veet hair removal cream works WONDERS. :P i only wish we could have removed ALL THE HAIR! :P it's sweet how we always tease you and call you a girl, but you never really minded (i think ;P). i remember you teaching me about cars and how i could never do the adrian look no matter how hard i tried. but you'll always be one awesome BRO to me! :)



i love all the encouraging things sean writes. :) with his DEEP DARK MYSTERIOUS past in VI that he will NEVER reveal to us, i believe he's more to a tough guy persona kinda thing. but around us, you let your guard down more often than not, and it's always nice to see that you, the real you. i love how you still have such inspiring, heartfelt things to write to us even though you don't do high fives. :D (but i got a high five today! it was legendary! hahaha.) thanks sean, you're gonna be an amazing person one day, you already are to me! :)


i love how only hsing hwa would layan me today when nobody else wanted to go for my birthday celebration. all the rest of you, =.= (sean face)!! hsing hwa said, "we'll do anything you like for your birthday! :D " i always find it funny how when we're doing something stupid (again), you'll look over and give us the HUH/WTH/YOU GUYS ARE SO WEIRD/MILD DEATH STARE look, then smile your huge hsing hwa smile that always make us smile back. :D i'll see you on my birthday iguana! :) thanks! :)


i love the cookie gene gave me today! it was yums! gene, when you're not being mean and giving me the gene face, you always say the nicest things. i remember you telling me how i'm gonna meet someone awesome one day, and how i deserve better in life. :) and i'm really gonna miss the way you keep saying the WRONG thing to me, and always making me give you the death stare. haha, but it was a good year, and i've had an unforgettable time being your friend. :) i'll see you at prom! :D SUIT UP!


i love how ian laughed as well today when elena said "say sime darby! sime darby!! :P" ohmygosh that was so funny. i didn't get to write in your winanga-li, but i'm glad that i'll be seeing you at pangkorr! :D be prepared for even more screaming and crazy girls then! :P you always answered all my questions and taught me the things i didn't know, thanks daddy teng! :)

i love the human centipede chain we made today as we wrote on everyone's backs. i cannot help but feel like time has passed so quickly. this is the ultimate cliche line, but today it seemed like all i could remember was our first day together, and it seemed like we just zoomed to today, accelerated past the previous months and somehow it the end already, right before our eyes. we started off the english game by talking to people one on one, being so super shy and writing on each others backs so politely. today the scene was so different, with everybody screaming COME HERE!!!! and without even talking to the person, we know what we want to write already. the paper we all got was so much messier, meaner in a sentimental way and heartier. i loved that about today. :)


and of course to tai kor, i love what you wrote in my winanga-li! hahaha you talking about me as a younger sister and me talking about you as the big brother i've always wanted. don't disown me as your sista when we part ways okay! promise! :D it was so sweet when you randomly said to me today let's take picture, especially since i was wearing the LONG LONG dress. hahah. i know i can always trust you for anything and everything, thank you so much tai kor, for just being yourself, and accepting the responsibility of dealing with the troubles of all us younger sisters of yours. i think i've already told you most of what i wanted to say, so i'm feeling the writer's block now. :P well you know i treasure our friendship loads, which is why we're gonna watch MEGAMIND for my 17th BIG GIRL birthday right???? ;)



but more important that just the bros....

i've gained many new sisters this year, that always made me feel like a star! or just really irritating. i love how much we shout at each other, and call each other irritating and scream that we hate each other, because everything we said was the total opposite of how we really felt. :) it seems like the more we shout "i hate you so much!!!", the more we actually love each other, and value this friendship that's so unique.


i love the way prisc wore such a beautiful dress today WITH HIDEOUS PINK MISMATCHED SLIPPERS. i was so irritated by you la! my sister likes to say "oi leng, moi meng" which means want beauty, don't want life. HAHAHAH but being chinese, i know you understood that already, didn't you? :P i love how we're always trading stories that start with "OHMYGOSH YOU KNOW WHAT ELENA JUST SAID?" and the rest of us have to go peee first, or swallow our food first to make sure we don't explode while hearing about the next funny thing elena teng did. LOL i'm actually laughing now thinking about that time in cassian kitchen when we all went "stop stop I HAVE TO SWALLOW MY FOOD FIRST BEFORE ELENA TALKS" :P and i will never forget how as bad your taste in shoes is, your taste in food in WORSE! well i kinda like citrus plus la, dunno why the rest don't, but MED, and NOT DIM SUM! LIKE EWWWW! you're so irritating, but i love you a lot. :)


i love the joke we made a while back, of how if elena ever got caught by police for driving at night, she'd be in big trouble if they thought she was drunk, cause no matter what she cannot walk straight. :P good memories, that! :) i love treating you like my human drawing canvas, writing all sorts of nonsense on your hand, AND FACE. but elena teng, HOW IN THE WORLD DOES MY HULK LOOK LIKE A ROCKET/MAN FARTING??? =.=". you put a smile and an unstoppable laugh on my face every day, for being so irritating by whacking my head EVERY DAY, and also for being so amazing as to take care of your 'children' all the time, making sure whoever hurt us will not get away so easy. thank you for holding my hair when i'm hot, though involuntarily, screaming at me the whole time that your life isn't that sad. thanks for always giving me that elena face, the one me and mich get scared of after twelve midnight, cause that's when the hulk arises. but above all the jokes and stupidity, thank you for being a friend i love so much. :) you always cheer me up when i'm sad, and lend me money when i'm broke, and say really nice stuff to encourage me and laugh with me, even if it's at yourself, just so we're all happy together. :) i love you!



i love the way mich gave us a FREE SHOW today when we really REALLY didn't want to see it. and outside subang square too! sigh. tsk tsk mich! but you looked pretty in your shirtdress! and i really love you for what you just did a few minutes ago, i'm really really proud of you mich! :D you know you're much better than that. and us sisters will always ALWAYS have your back, even though you're such a traitor and ditched us to be a bro. A PIRATED BRO. you know how much you mean to me mich, and i was really touched to read your message in my winanga-li today! thank you for every single irritating memory we have of each other, and you better be there at my birthday woman! :D i writer's block for you also already la, wrote too much in your book dey, hehe. :D HUGS AND KISSES for you!!! :)


i love how lilian chew looks in a dress!!! HAHAHHA, first time in my LIFE i saw that today! :D and you were really beautiful, inside and out! :) crazy girl, i never heard you scream so much as in these past few days. you're always such a joy to be around, i'm so glad that today our 'look up in the sky' plan worked! and also our 'joshua!!!!' plan. LOL come to think of it, all our weirdest plans are YOUR ideas. :D thanks for that! our lives will be so uncrazy without you. :) no one could ever replace baby teng! i also love how you were/are so funny! cannot believe you forgot your winanga-li then used a full scap paper to get us to write our messages for you on. :) did you paste it yet??? :D you are, and will always be, my favourite hainan monster. :D i love you loads lilianteng! <3


G8 you're so precious to me! :')





and to all the rest of my beloved beloved classmates, i love you all so much too! i'm really glad to have know each and everyone of you this year, and it is the uniqueness in each and every one of us that makes G8 so amazing! i will never forget you, and may we remain friends forever! we said goodbyes and gave our hugs today, but it will not be goodbye forever. :) thanks you for a really enjoyable day and for an unforgettable year. :D you guys are the best friends a girl could ever ask for. <3


love ALWAYS,
candice :)

live your life with arms wide open

there is so much that i'm feeling right now, so much on my mind, and so much i wanted to write here. but i'll save my long, teary post for tomorrow. :'/

today, one of the best friends i ever had told me this. "What's the biggest exam of your life compared to God's plan for your life?" i can't even begin to describe how i felt when i read that, cause the words rang so true, just when i needed to hear them. i've been so so terrified of finals, and uni and next year, and i still am, but guess i'm a big girl now, can't run away anymore. it's time to grow up, face this upcoming challenge and believe, without a doubt, that God will pull me through.

this post is dedicated to you buddy! thank you so much, for everything. you know who you are. :)

love,
candice

saying goodbye to something beautiful

because G8 is love. <3

i'll never forget you,
candice. :')

steady ground

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth


:) i found this very comforting. :D i hope you do too!

" The Lord will give strength to His people, the Lord will bless His people with peace." - Psalms 29:11 :)

don't give up now,
candice

peace

"and You.. calm the raging seas
and You.. calm the storm in me
all i know, is i find rest in You"
- Find Rest in You, PlanetShakers

today as i was listening to my phone's music in the car, i realized how long it's been since i've listened to my ipod. nearly all the songs in my phone were stolen from mich (:P) while my ipod had a lot more songs, most of which were Christian music, like hillsongs, planetshakers, casting crowns etc. and i realized then how much i used to listen to them, and the peace that overflowed from feeding myself such music. don't get me wrong, i love the songs in my phone, i really do, but undeniably, the feeling is different when i listen to both. i can't explain it, but sometimes it feels like i can feel God's love through the music, i can sense the calmness setting in, the joy that is like no other. so i decided to spend my devotional time today just listening to music from my ipod, and it feels amazing. :)

i haven't been feeling like myself much lately, i can't explain this either. it's like i've been emo a lot more, and while there are obvious resons to be sad about, like SAM ending, but most of the time, it's a strange emotion, like i feel insecure, alone or sad for some reason, no matter how many people i talk to or how good my company is. and just listening to people singing their hearts out to God today just made it better, not completely, but better. :) the familiar peace creeps in again as i am reminded that i'm not alone, and that life itself is a reason to be joyful.

i believe that all of us have an emptiness within that only God can fill. the God-shaped hole in our hearts. and i've heard testimonies of how empty people feel without God, and how incredibly full(for lack of another word) they are when they let the love of God surround them, and keep them safe. sometimes we don't recognize what would fill that emptiness and we throw in things like possesions, infatuation, music, games, facebook, outings, looking so desperately for something, anything that will make the world feel less broken, less lonely, less unknown. we are looking to belong. but those temporary things we fill our lives with? they only make us realize that they aren't enough. no matter how much we hoard, it is and will never be sufficient. and we end up emptier than before.

indeed i believe no one offers fulfillment like Jesus does. no one else can bring me peace in my darkest days, no one else can make me believe things are going to turn out better than i could ever hope for. no one else can make me feel this precious. and by no means is the Christian life easy, there are times where God is so far away it hurts enormously. but through adversity and perseverance, we grow, we learn. i don't know exactly why God chooses to 'hide'(for lack of better word) Himself sometimes, and i'll ask Him for the right answer when i see Him face to face, but one answer that always stuck with me was, so that only the truly hungry can find Him. but God has His reasons, that are all meant for our good, greater things than we ever thought possible. that much i know, is eternally true.

if you asked me last year why i love Jesus, i'm not sure what i would have said. but if you ask me now, i have so.. so many reasons. this year has been so amazing and challenging for me too, teaching me so much. i love Jesus because no one else could put up with my whining each day, bugging Him about where my life was gonna head. i love Jesus because i know He's always there, always watching me from above, always guiding me with His right hand, even if i cannot feel it sometimes. i love Jesus because He assures me that there's a plan for my life, that He gives me adversities and troubles that draw me nearer to Him, making me realize no one else could and would ever support me like He does. i love Jesus because i see Him all around me, in the goodness of people, in their faith, in how they love and i am reminded that because He invented the world, goodness resides in it, and will always prevail against evil. i love Jesus for calming the storms within me, for loving me even, especially when i cannot love myself, and for dying for someone as undeserving and unworthy as me.

i was in church last sunday and i looked around and was awestruck, in realization that God moves in the lives of others so so powerfully. i saw a church filled with broken people, people drawn to the cross, people who realized how much they needed God. and it was an incredible feeling, thinking of how greatly God transforms people. i think of the raw details i have of uncle isaac's testimony, of how from being some super big gangster that did the most horrible, gruesome, unspeakable things to people, his entire life could be changed. it's nothing short of a miracle really, God's miracle. i mean i've always been amazed by the beauty on this earth that God created, the stars He breathes, the sheer wonder of being alive, but i think in God's display of His glory, nothing comes close to the work He does in people's lives. nothing is as amazing as watching a criminal learn compassion through Jesus, or seeing people accept the forgiveness Christ offers freely, staring in disbelief at the sttitude changes God inspires or witnessing a child of God completely broken at the altar, surrendering their life to God. and as astoundingly beautiful the sunset in Nepal is, or as breathtaking the view from everest might be, nothing is as indescribably wonderful as watching people rise up, choosing to stand because they know that this time, they have God behind them, each step of the way. :)

i also spent about an hour today just reading my old blogspots from august, september and february. and definitely the first thing that stuck out was how similar my writings are, how most of it are about university stress or studies etc. but there were also so many things that felt so new for me to read, things i long forgot i wrote, that somehow have the power to inspire even me, its author. like this..

i think what everyone needs is someone to watch you. to see the beauty in you that you cannot see by yourself. to make you feel like you belong. to let you know that you are talented or called to do something, and to inspire you to move forward. but as we realize how much it would rock to have someone like that around us, who believed in us whole-heartedly, we should see the need to become that person for those around us. to believe in their capabilities without a doubt.
- February 20, 2010

and remember that in every situation, no matter how ugh or sucky, there's always a lesson to learn. a new person to befriend. a lesson to teach. a life to impact. it's all about the attitude we have towards that situation. so chins up, smile and take whatever comes, with a rocking, positive 'tude. =D good night!
- February 18, 2010

sometimes faith feels like you're pushing, punching against a brick wall. it isn't moving and your brain is telling you that it never will, pleading with you to just give up. but you push anyways, giving it your all, until the unending wall before you crumbles to your feet.
- August 19, 2010

...that in the darkness is when we should sing the loudest, that even when everything is going wrong in our lives, even when you feel so far from God, that that is when you should sing all the more louder and see His light shining through. :)
- July 25, 2010

it's quite a funny feeling really, reading all these, forgetting i ever penned down such words yet knowing it is something i would write. but it really is a good medicine for the days i forget who i am and where i belong. :)

this is yet another jumbly post, but yea.. no buts. :) this is what i love writing about and this is essentially, who i am. :D


hehehe... i am gonna be an AWESOMETASTIC driver one day. :)

i love love love you loads (cause i'm in a rather good mood now) :P <3,
candice

innocence

i had a good day today, for many reasons. :) but..so many things in my head nao. haha. MESSINESS AHEAD.

i guess the biggest thing in my brain right now is how we're gonna play the writing-about-you-on-a-paper-on-your-back game again on the LAST ENGLISH CLASS EVER of SAM next friday. it felt so recent, us playing that game on the very first day of college this year. i remember being so excited to do so, digging my brains thinking of what to write that might be different than just 'friendly', and knowing from after that exercise, that this year was gonna be a good year. what strikes me the most is that i remember all these, like it was yesterday. this whole year i've been saying that time has been passing really quickly, and now i'm like whoa. next week is gonna be the last week of SAM already. and to be honest, i'm feeling rather emo now. it finally hit me, that this awesome chapter of my life is coming to an end soon. and i don't know how to react to this, i just feel all jumbled. i am excited for next friday, for this nostalgic activity, but i have no idea what's gonna happen then. no idea what my friends are gonna write this time, no idea if people will end up crying or laughing, no idea how we're gonna say goodbye.

sigh. and today i was watching the news during dinner, and there was this car crash that happened this morning, and the names of the people that passed away were just listed on the screen, as if it was just like any other list. and i was struck by the thought of no matter how many friends you have, how many people you know, this world will always be filled with strangers. strangers that have their own stories to tell, stories we may never get a chance to hear. and that's kinda sad, don't you think?

today was sean's burfday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i shall upload the picture of his watermelon when mich posts it up! hahah it was so cute! :D it was really fun screaming at each other about how to 'prepare' the watermelon for presentation tho. (a watermelon that elena's parents left at the guardhouse for us. hahah!) another reason to be sad bout SAM ending, who else can we hold a lighted watermelon singing happy birthday for/with after this? :)

i'm so messed up right now. i have that uncomfortable feeling that just won't go away.

this is so sad!

'Someone woke up today.

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead.

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left.

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left, they said

"I love you. Have a good day. I'll speak to you later."

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left, they said

"I love you. Have a good day. I'll speak to you later. I love you. I love you."

And they replied

"I love you."

And they kissed them goodbye.

For the very last time.

Someone woke up today. But they won't wake up tomorrow.'
- www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

today i read this email my sister sent me, about the biggest regrets people have right before they die. i'm so scared of one day realizing that i have so many regrets but no way of making things right. i'm so scared of doing this wrong, of living my life incomplete. am i satisfied with how i have lived thus far? am i satisfied with everything i am? if i die tomorrow, what are the regrets that i would have?
most of all, i.. would regret not telling more people about God. i would regret not being brave enough to do all the radical things, stupid things, unbelievable things i always wanted to do. i would regret all the times i didn't treat people right, all the times i picked me over them. i would regret never getting to become a doctor, never getting to save a life. i would regret having so many regrets.

and recently miss doh told us about the requirements of being a doctor. you MUST be sympathetic, not empathetic. yea.. i don't know if i can. lately the question of 'am i cut out to be a doctor?' have been playing round and round my mind, nagging, irritating, questioning. it seems like i do everything wrong, my hands feel very weird and shaky, i'm too emotionally attached to everything, i need my sleep (a lot more lately, somehow) and i get scared irrationally sometimes. all along my reason for being a doctor has simply been to help people, and because i think it's what God has called me to do. and as much as i try to have faith in this issue, i mean i don't doubt God, i just doubt myself hearing God ocassionally, and i wonder, what if i'm wrong? i can imagine myself living a different life, not as a doctor. perhaps as a social worker or a field worker at UNHCR or something. a job that might demand less time, and more passion, and more interaction with people. i mean, probably above all, i love people. i love talking with them, though on my emoody days i might not.. and perhaps in that scenario, i'd have more time for a family, for missions, for the freedom to live each day differently, to do one thing that scares me each day, to be useful to society in more than just one way. this would be a nicer, easier, more relaxed option. yet.. i don't know if this is meant to be. and so, perhaps the only reason i'm going through with medicine is the conviction in my heart i believe God's placed there. i have no clue which uni i'll be in next year, no clue if i can survive medicine(oh man i pray i can, for my parent's sake especially), no clue if i can deal with death, stress, decisions everyday, no clue on how i will fill in the shoes God's placed in front of me. but the everlasting truth is, if it's God's plan for me, it'll work out. He'll open the necessary doors, and He'll give me the strength to do so. the lesson i've learnt this year, is that the reason i could rely on God's strength so much was because i had absolutely no strength of my own left to stand on. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9. :)

i was considering just posting a part of the email my sister sent me, but there was meaning in every little part, so i figured i'd just post everything la. here goes! :)

Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, but in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.
Choose happiness.

i know it's lengthy, but it's really good stuff. i bolded the stuff that stood out to me. :)

i do feel a bit better after dumping most of my thoughts here. thanks dear reader, for listening/reading. :)


michelle's interpretation of how sean looks. clearly, this is why she is in the SCIENCE stream and not the arts. :P


aww, good times. good times. :)
and...


not forgetting the birthday boy. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN! :D

love always,
candice