what happened to that fighting spirit of yours?

A friend asked me that yesterday. Sure we were talking about running, and stamina, but I felt the question spoke to me on a whole other level too.

What happened to that fighting spirit of yours dice?

I think for a couple weeks now I've been just moping around, glum, disappointed with much, upset, lonely, just --------. I feel like my heart's been really tired of being faithful, of continually believing for breakthroughs but watching none come to pass. Is it me? What's wrong with me now? It seems that with every time I am forced to face my shortcomings, I retract and just.. mope. What happened dice?


This image has been really speaking to me. I never want to be hard, but it seems like that's all I've been recently. Hard. Bitter. Numb. This period of waiting, of unanswered prayers has just been too tough on me, forcing me to wonder if being faithful isn't the right thing to do now.

But then I remember that one answered prayer. Earlier this year, I've had encounters with God that were supernatural but I just didn't understand the why bit. Like the uncontrollable shaking, at Planetshakers Conference mid this year. And I prayed and prayed for a word to be spoken over my life, for God to help me make sense of it all. I only got my answer, or realized I got more than what I expected months later. Turns out, this year, I've had more prophetic words spoken over my life than ever before. God is good.

Not only that, my sister finished her thesis with an awesome big bang, a miracle of a project. I have friends who got jobs this year, who made it through tough times, who had miracles happen in their lives. Please Candice, let this remind you that God is still working. And the God that handcrafted those miracles are setting yours in motion. Don't give up now.

I think, that at the same time, God's testing the extent of my faith. Is my faith simply a bargaining tool for miracles? Or am I faithful because I love Him? Therefore I choose now, to keep being faithful, in pain, in trials, in desperation. Because I love my Daddy, and because I can't go on without His strength rooting me on.

I know though, the cause of my eeyurghness lately. It's from my lack of alone time with God. I've been through this time and time enough to know that I have withdrawal symptoms from Him. C'mon girl, get your life in order again!

So no, I can't let that fighting spirit die. Not even if I have to fight like hell to keep that fighting spirit alive.

I cannot let myself be defined by the voices of those around me. I cannot afford to.
My only identity should come from the voice of God, telling me I am precious, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am loved.

I cannot let myself become someone I don't like. Someone who's hurt me before, who has the potential to hurt others. I cannot afford to.

I cannot run from my problems, I need to find the courage to face them, and start dealing with it from the bottom.

I cannot keep believing the lies intended to bring me down.

I cannot break down, and I won't.

I will fight.

And dear reader, I hope you do too.

"Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air."
- 1 Corinthians 9:26

Blessings,
Candice

courageous

I watched courageous today, and man, it was SO GOOD! such a beautifully done movie, definitely a great watch. I loved watching the faith of men in this show, a pure passion for God so rare amongst men, or in this show, fathers. There were so many amazing things I learnt from the movie, but I guess the most timely and important one was from this.

"Pastor: Well, you can be angry with God at the time you didn't get with her, or be grateful for the 9 years you did have with Emily."

I immediately thought of my results, and how upon knowing I made it through this year onto the next, my first reaction was still to be angry at God for the even better grades I did not receive.

Pop, I'm so sorry I got angry at You, and I see now that it was already such a blessing that You have brought me thus far. I will choose to believe that You're preparing my heart for even greater by starting me off with the small ones. I will be faithful in these, I promise. Thank You for being so kind Daddy, for not turning away even when I said hurtful things, for holding me through this year although so often, I didn't deserve it. No, I don't deserve a God like You. So graciously, thank You Pops, I love You heaps. :)

I've had a friend tell me once that she wanted to keep her twilight book collection for her children, something to pass along to them. Admittedly, we all have these things we want to share with our future loved ones. So, for the future guy in my life, wherever you are now, know that it's this movie! :P

Feeling better,
Candice :)

with what little remains

I'm tired. The past few days have been.. challenging for me, due to many different reasons. So, this is gonna be a messy post, be warned.

You know I spent a large part of this year believing. Really believing for the miracles I wanted (still want) to see in my life, and in the lives of those I love. And for this last thing this year, I really believed for it, I felt so led to, felt so strongly God would pull me through with a big bang. To be painfully honest here, as I looked at my results this time around, I felt so stumped, so angry, so.. betrayed. Lord I spent all year waiting on You, and I felt You promise me this. Sure enough, I passed the year and will be moving on to second year, but I expected so much more. A friend reminded me though, to be thankful for what God did give me, that to even make it through is a blessing enough. So I guess, one of the things I struggle with now is, where do I draw the line between believing for even greater, and being thankful for the hand I've been dealt? By all means I know that if I didn't put enough effort in, I shouldn't even expect so much. But I did try, and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. But now, I really hope that as I pick myself up from this crazy mess of emotions and thoughts, that I can be motivated to try even harder next year and not let this make me give up.

There are so many thoughts in my head now that I know are not of God, thoughts like "my prayers have no power" and "if I really am called to do this, then why am I not excelling in this?". There are angry thoughts towards Him too, such as me wondering why He isn't providing for me in other ways instead of having my father have to work so tirelessly to put me through med school. Why why why? Why have I been forsaken Daddy? .. I feel so beat down, like all the weight of my unanswered prayers are crushing down on me right now, all the disappointments from this year. But I know, the thing is I KNOW, that God's answers for my prayers are either 'not yet' or 'not this, I've got better for you'. And once more I know I have to fight these thoughts and hang on for all I have left to God and trust Him with my future. Once more I have to make myself fall back to the truths I know from experience and not let my emotions of the moment take me over. I need to believe I haven't been forsaken, that even in such a lousy situation as this, God has something to teach me. Even as I struggle to find my footing, He's holding me close.

I remember being at the airport yesterday night still feeling quite crappy, and watching a man push his son on a wheelchair. Sometimes, we all get really crappy circumstances in life, but really what defines our character is how we respond to them. What do you do when there is something that can be done? Candice, what will YOU do?

Recently, someone whose opinion does matter to me implied that I never think about what I do, that some of the things I do like getting my family to fetch me around, be it for a good reason, is in fact selfish. And thinking about the mission trip I applied for next year without really weighing the costs, I wonder now if I did the right thing. If I ever did the right thing. See I have my pocketful of dreams, dreams closer than I thought they would be, and when the opportunity arose, I grabbed it, ignoring much else. And now, with expensive fees, and the voice of that person in my head, I wonder if I was indeed too rash, too selfish in wanting to see my dreams come true too soon. Especially not being in a place of excellence academically now either, I can't even say I deserve this. I've always believed for the money to come from somewhere, for God to provide miraculously as I've heard in countless testimonies, but now that my parents have decided to subsidise me, I see that they are the ones that have to bear the weight of my desires - for this, and even med school. I hate being such a burden, and having to look in the mirror and perhaps see nothing but a selfish brat looking back at me. What if.. all the choices I have made up to this point have been the wrong ones? What if I'm not the good person I thought I was? What if? But more importantly, what do I do now? For the life of me, I have no idea whatsoever.

To sum things up, I believe that that voice came at a tragically 'perfect' timing. A last blow to crush my spirits completely after being already so disappointed with myself and with God. I've more than often chosen to give things up to God without thorough thinking, because I did not want to let rationalization hold me back from giving my absolute best. But standing there that day, already so hurt from a promise that didn't come to pass as I expected, even as I was hoping, praying for God to honour me back and give me back a double portion of what I have sowed into His kingdom, I felt completely blown away. I felt more discouraged than I've ever felt I think, and suddenly so unsure of the person I've built myself to be. And up till now, I haven't had the chance to think all this out, to be free to express the emotions I hold inside.

In all that discouragement, I've felt so unmotivated to be cheerful, to hold others up when I can barely keep myself together, to be nice when I need people to be nice to me instead. But, today in church, my eyes filled with tears as one of my favourite quotes came to mind.

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”
- C.S Lewis

I was also reminded in church today that to love God for what He can do for us is a shallow love, that the highest degree of love is loving simply because we know His heart enough. So, even from an exhausted spirit, God I pray that You will help me still be faithful. That we will get through this together. I pray God for an obedient heart that will run even further now, and never give up. I will not stop believing for greater Lord, and though I fall, I pray for the strength to pull myself together again and keep shining for You once more. Give me strength for just one more day Lord I pray.

And so I guess, I'm ending this year struggling also. Fighting the emotions demanding to be heard, fighting the harsh voices speaking at me unknowing of the pain they bring. But the quiet victory in my heart declares that it's not over yet, that I still can do better in life, academically, in the choices I make, in the person I am. God I need You more than ever. I said this on facebook just a short while ago, but I'll say it again.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. Even if your eyes are wet. Even if your heart is broken.

And the truth that I need to declare right now is this - The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thank you dear reader for reading this. I needed to let this out, and I'm sorry if it was a messy post, I'm sorry if it confused you or offended anyone. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how alone I may feel in this world, I never am. Thank you for taking time to read what may perhaps be a post too close to my heart for such disclosure.

I'm tired, so I'll stop here. Good night, and God bless.

disappointed

.. but then I remember Pastor Russell's tear-stained face as he announced Sean Bergin's passing, and what he said - "It's our job to believe, and God's job to do whatever He wants."

Teach me Lord to still trust in You I pray.

"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much."
- Luke 16:10

good stuff

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”
- T.E Lawrence

unspoken

i had this urge to blog today. but i don't have anything in particular to say, so i'm gonna let the words of others speak for me. :)

"Thank You for Your kindness
Thank You for Your mercy
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the price You paid

Thank You for salvation
Thank You for unending grace
Thank You for Your hope
Thank You for this life You gave

Thank You for Your promise
Thank You for Your favor
And thank You for Your love
And everything You've done for me"
- Thank You, by Hillsong

"Some folks has a lot of things around them that shines for other peoples. I think that maybe some of them was in tunnels. And in that tunnel, the only light they had, was inside of them. And then long after they escape that tunnel, they sitll be shining for everybody else. "
- Clareece 'Precious' Jones, in Precious

"Who could imagine a melody
True enough to tell of Your mercy?
Who could imagine a harmony
Sweet enough to tell of Your love?
I see the heavens proclaiming day after day,
And I know in my heart that there must be a way

To sing a greater song,
A greater song to You on the earth.
To sing a greater song,
A greater song to You on the earth.

Who could imagine a symphony,
Grand enough to tell of Your glory?
Our highest praise but a feeble breath
A whisper of Your thunderous worth.

I see the heavens proclaiming day after day,
And I know in my heart that there must be a way"
- A Greater Song, by Matt Redman

"Never let anything or anyone make you become someone you don't like."
- Anonymous

"The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you"
- Till I See You, by Hillsong United

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
- Matthew 5:16

"Refine me Lord through the flames"
- Desert Song, by Hillsong

"Don't give up on anything that you cannot go a day without thinking about."
- Signboard in QV


xx! :)

perspectives of home

As my sister's friend asked me "do you plan on going back home to work next time?", I hesitated. It was a short one but she noticed and all-knowingly said that if you had asked me that a few months ago my answer would be a certain yes. Thinking it through, my answer is still yes, I still do wanna go home and serve my fellow country people, where my services may just be more needed although perhaps less appreciated. And while that glimmer of uncertainty was due to a desire to work elsewhere still, it got me thinking - where is home for me now?

My sister always says that malaysia is home for us just cause our family's there. Somewhere sometime this year, australia became a new home for me, a sanctuary even, not yet adding into consideration family back home. By all means malaysia is still home for me in many ways, I look forward to going back to our house and spending more family time, meeting my friends and hhaving good food and great fellowship.

As we came back from new zealand this morning, I caught myself thinking, it's good to be home. And I realized the strange-ness of that thought. No candice, you're supposed to be passionately tied to malaysia. But I know why the shift, it's because, as foretold by my eldest sister then, this is the time where I'm really discovering who I am and who I want to be. And everything that contributed to that will always have a special place in my heart. I've said this a lot already, but truly, I grew as an individual this year more than ever. I started becoming more confident with who I am as a person, and trying to be more like God in the most painful of circumstances. I see the difference in me, the leap I have taken. I see the the beautiful people here that have worked together to mold me, and refine me.

So yea. To say that my feelings and thoughts of home have changed will probably be and understatement, but at the same time not entirely true either. All I know is that one day, when God calls me to leave here, it will probably be the hardest thing I ever had to do.

But send me Lord. Oh would You send me I pray.

And all the time as I was changing here, I forgot to remember that the people I love back homre are changing too. I think that for a moment there I was caught in a delusion that the world stopped for me,that everything at home existed simply to await my return. Silly girl. It's kinda surreal really, seeing the paths that my friend's lives are taking, seeing the world I no longer truly belong too but is not a stranger to either.

As I type this on my train ride back to the city, listening to 'till I see You' on my ipod, I know that this is one of the things I will most miss. My train rides with God, and my thoughts. My own sort of sanctuary, from the craziness of this world. Here my world is quiet, here, my world is at peace. Here I remember my purpose, my call, my destiny.

I am still really excited to go home, to see the faces I have missed dearly. But as I return to the same circumstances, the same environment, it'll be time to see if I have really changed or not. It'll be time for me to be tempted and tested, and prayerfully, a time of victory. I trust You Daddy, thank You for taking me on one unbelievable year. I'm believing for more Pops! :)

Just raw thoughts and emotions,
Candice

dreamer

"I sense that in your past, you've been called a dreamer."

A leader told me that at DNA encounter as she prayed for me and to summarize it all, she wanted me to know that the godly dreams I have, that I've always had, can in fact come true despite what others say. :) and that's awesome, and very meaningful to me. hahah, I didn't intend to share this at first, but as I placed my hands on the keyboard, that sentence resonated in my mind. i remembered the times people have smirked at the dreams I had (and still have) a couple years ago. I remember them agreeing with me, with more than a hint of doubt and cynicism. i remember the voices telling me not to as well. but that day, I was reminded that the greatest power and the strongest voice.. was on my side, encouraging me to acheive those dreams He put in my heart. Thanks God. and so I choose, to listen to the voice of truth. :)

Lately, I've been observing the people around me, especially in church.

I saw an old couple in honest embrace, both with their eyes red and raw with tears. I overheard the lady telling her husband about what happened at DNA encounter as she was shredding the paper with her sins written on them, as people laid hands on her there. I heard him respond with eagerness and love.
My eyes filled with tears at the beauty of their godly relationship, the love that was strengthened by putting their love for God first, and the powerful faith they had. I turned away with a little smile on my face as I wiped the tears away.

I saw a daughter hugging her mother at DNA encounter too, as her mother could not stop crying from the prayer spoken over her life, moved by the Holy Spirit. I saw the mother purposely get out of her seat despite the inconvenience to hug her husband after he was prayed for as he made his way back to his seat.

I saw a man, buff, brawn and intimidating, raise his hand to receive Jesus today. I'd have believed you if you told me he was a mob boss or something. Proof to me that no one is too big or too hard to be moved by God.

I walked a little girl down to the altar today because she was fearful of going alone. A complete honour that I would not have had if I wasn't serving as guest services today. Thank You Lord for reminding me how amazing an honour it is to serve You and Your people.

I heard Pastor Neil talk about his daughter and the love he had for her today. And how he likened that to the love of God, except that the latter was a millionfold deeper. Again, I was so moved by this that my tears overwhelmed me for a moment, before I wiped my eyes, fixed my shirt and got back to serving people.

I don't know what compelled me to write all these down, but one thing I know is this, I will NEVER get bored of watching God make people so so beautiful. I will never lose joy in watching Him move the hardest of hearts, the biggest of mountains. and I will keep reminding myself to never forget what an immense honour that is.

Be blessed dear reader, and in moments of discouragement, just look around even harder. God is everywhere. :)




Love,
candice

eighteen

you know that feeling you get after a night session in church, especially at camp? one that is full of tears pouring down your cheeks? the feeling you get after that, just the quiet peace, the calm after the storm of raging emotions, the joy in being worn out and molded through tears? i love it man. not in a masochistic way, but in a totally amazed at the beauty in being broken for God. and to experience that today.. can't imagine a better way to spend my eighteenth birthday. :)

Take me deeper, than I've been before,
Take me further, God I long for more,
Take me higher, than I've been before,
Jesus I want more,
Jesus I need more,
More of You,
More of You, Jesus,
More of You,
I need more of You.

- Deeper by Planetshakers

i didn't expect much from this year's birthday, and really did want it to just slide by. but i truly do thank all the lovely awesome people who didn't let me just do that, and i'm grateful for that now, people who said no, we're gonna celebrate this, even if it's by doing just the simplest things. xoxoxoxoxoox :) to luth and the gang, thank you guys SO MUCH :D and to my fantawesome urbs, you guys are really a blessing I could not have imagined I deserved. :P and to the amazing sister and sam, thanks for helping me move and just being so helpful all the time in my life, and great role models. :) and to everyone else that remembered to wish me, i appreciate it heaps! :) love you all tonnes. :)

but even with all the lovely surprises and gifts that I adore, hahah thanks guys, again, :P, tonight has to be the highlight I guess. I remember after my last birthday, there was this HUMONGOUS rainbow in the sky just awaiting, and I knew it was from God. :P looked back later and it was gone. :) and this year, just the honour of being able to go for discipleship was pretty darn awesome. and getting to experience that feeling I talked about, to be just drenched in the presence of God, to be in an environment of watching people rise up to the call God placed upon their lives, AWESOME. I love that I had new lessons to learn today, that God is continually molding and teaching me to put others first and to 'get over myself' when necessary. hahah. and to be there, just reminded me of the mandate God's put upon me, the call, and the reminder that I was right exactly where He wanted me. :)

moving into a new house today, i have this overwhelming feeling that God's got A LOT in store for me next year, a lot of new challenges to face but things that will not kill me and only make me stronger. and i guess, from where I am now, I'm feeling really excited to see the things spoken over my life come to pass. but I know now, the hard way, that I cannot make it through unless I am hanging on to my Father in heaven EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

EXCITES THO! next year, I'm expecting MORE God, more of You and just more. more challenges if it means I'll grow. more pain if that's what it takes to bring me closer to You. and I may regret saying this one day, but I know that one day after that one day, I won't be. :)

thanks again God, for a pretty amazing birthday after all. love Ya heaps Pops. :)

love and blessings,
candice

reflection

it's mid november again. about a year ago, i posted this.

"days come when i wonder where exactly i will be in three months. on an aeroplane? headed to clayton (this only by God's miracle), headed to Melbourne Uni, or the slim chance of not going at all?

where will i be?

and why does every answer scare me? but leaving, starting over yet again in a whole new place, it's terrifying. i mean starting college was scary enough, but like my sister would say, i'm gonna make the closest friends ever in australia. yet from where i am now, a new beginning doesn't sound so pleasant. sure, in maybe a year or so, i'll say it was one of the best things i ever did, but till then.. i can't stop pondering on the life i've built for myself here, the memories, and all that i would have to leave behind. malaysia is home, and it always will be. what if i go there, and i meet all the wrong kinds of friends? what if i lose myself, my character, my 'muchness' when i'm in a completely different environment? what if i lose everything that i've fought to be?"

hahah a part of me wishes i could go back in time and knock that girl on her head and assure her everything was going to turn out alright, even better in fact. :)

but another part's just relieved and thankful to God for bringing me from that place to where I am today even through all the insecurities, worry and struggles.

life sure takes a lot of strange turns when we least expect it, and over the course of this year, i've learnt much. experienced more new things, lived a bit more, loved a bit more, grew a lot more i'd say. and learnt that the growing should never stop. :) and here i am, another year older, feeling pretty pumped for next year. excited for the new things and new people and new experiences God's gonna bring into my life. and while the fear is always there, sometimes raging in the background, other times dormant in the dark, i hang on to the faith that God's gonna pull me through yet a new year. just like how He brought me through this year, and the last. EXCITES. :)

anyways, besides this random walk down memory lane, life pre and post exams is very different man. for the few weeks leading up to exams, i began to do my devotions so regularly for the first time in my life, and it didn't feel like it was out of duty. no, no, it was just pure desire each day to read the Word of God, and spend time with Him. and sure enough, God sent me a miracle in my exam. He is so good. and as soon as i lost the routine of waking up, devo, study etc. , i began to stop doing it. just couldn't make time for devotion in a day. and this went on for about two weeks or so, and i felt so dry and empty at the end of it. i craved the intimacy i had with God while i needed to hang on to Him. i posted this up during my exam period last year:

i was pondering today on how stressful this exam has been on me, emotionally especially. yet just to experience God's presence and grace at such a time as this, it makes it so worth it. :) sigh.. :D

i left that on my dashboard to keep reminding me of that, but when i was clouded by the worry about exams, i couldn't bring myself to see that truth. but out of it now, i see, how God carried me through my craziest times, leaving the one set of footprints in the ground. :') He's pretty darn cool la.

but then yesterday, i sat myself down and read His word again, spent some alone time together and it felt so refreshing. one moment in the presence of God.. is enough to take my breath away. so so awesome.

on another note, i conquered Hurstbridge yesterday! :D three down, thirteen places to go! :)



love,
candice

back to bones

Booth: Look bones, I love you, kay, that's not rational. Us having a kid together, that's not rational. But.. here we are.
..
..
..
Bones:Uh.. I, I love you too, Booth.
Booth: I know.

SO. FREAKING. SWEET! AWWW!

hahahhahah :D

awestruck wonder

"Stir in me, a fire that the world cannot explain,
I come to worship You,
Stir in me, a passion that my heart cannot contain,
I come to worship You."

- Stir In Me, Hillsongs

The past two days have been, three days even cause sunday was my baptism, they've been.. so blessed. such a time of God's promises coming to pass in my life, such a revelation of humble amazement on my part. God's been so good. SO GOOD. and this season of my life, this entire year even, has been so full of doubt, new challenges, fear, pain, and direct spiritual attacks on my faith. it's been a hard year, and i say that with all honesty, a little worn out, but i stand amazed, at how God pulled me through so faithfully even when I began to doubt.

Let's start with yesterday. :) I had my final exam yesterday and it was one thing that has been plaguing my mind with worry and anxious thoughts, pushing me to even think of alternatives if i do end up flunking out of med. and it was exhausting, really. but i kept praying, kept believing and kept declaring a miracle over my life, believing God will not leave me here alone, not after calling me here. and as i sat down and began to do that paper, i was so surprised that i could answer most of the questions, that everything i studied came out and the things i didn't only appeared in two or three questions. sure i probably made a few mistakes here and there, sure i'm not the smartest in my cohort or the one with the best grades, but as i sat there and answered question after question, i knew that this.. was ALL GOD. it wasn't me at all, it wasn't by my own strength, it was His miracle. and i can't express how that feels, after months of struggling so hard, to have God finally show me His big surprise, the miracle that awaited if i just kept pushing on. just.. in unspeakable awe.

in the words of ann ee ching, "How can you go through so much, and expect to fail? God will definitely bring your miracle." oh how i love urban life sharings! :)

the rest of yesterday went pretty good as well, a great time of rest and fellowship. :)

today, i celebrated gladys' 20th birthday in the most unique way i have ever celebrated a friend's birthday. this girl, one of the most incredible people i have ever met, decided to spend her birthday this year feeding the homeless and visiting a nursing home. i was so privileged to have been able to join them in the morning, as we went around melbourne city distributing bread and milk to hungry, homeless people. this experience in itself was so.. priceless. truly my prayer is that God would break my heart for what breaks His. as we broke into groups, me with mei ying and harris and gladys with her other friends, we set out to reach out to others, even putting notes saying 'Jesus loves you' into the bags of food. and it was so hard at first, there weren't anyone around that seemed like they needed the food. harris even said, "I think all the homeless people are hiding today." LOL. but we persevered, and prayed that God would send us to people who needed the food. and after about an hour or so of aimless wandering, we began to spot people selling The Big Issue magazine, which i learnt today was a government plan for homeless people. so it was tough at first, plucking the courage to go up to someone, asking if they would like bread and milk, and sandwiches that a few of them prepared this morning, because the last thing we wanted to do was make people think we were looking down on them. some people were pretty hostile, refusing our things cause we appeared 'dodgy' maybe. but then, for the few people that were so grateful for bread and milk today, it's so worth it. God taught me today to hang in there, that when you set out to do something for Him, it's not gonna come to pass immediately. You won't see results instantly. but press in, keep praying, and He'll lead you to where you're meant to go.

two people in particular stood out the most to me today, people i may forget about in the future, but for now, and for the next few days, i know they will be very significant in my thoughts. the first was an epileptic man who was drawing pictures to earn money to get medicine, and we were glad we had something to offer him. but in a quiet, stammering voice that truly broke my heart, he said "I can't have anything that has gluten or i will go into anaphylactic shock." I felt so powerless, so unable to do anything, and in my heart i had this desire to pray for him, but we didn't. and i regretted that afterwards, cause we didn't get to pass him by again.

then after him, we met cheryl. she was the sweetest lady ever, sitting on a corner with her cat, selling The Big Issue. and we approached her and asked if she would like some bread and milk, and she gratefully agreed. and we just listened to her talk a bit, about her arthritis in her knees and her cat. and that desire bubbled up again, and just as mei ying was about to say goodbye, i just summoned up all my courage and asked if we could pray for her. and she willingly said yes, so we all bent down to be at her level and began to pray for goodness in her life, health, healing of her arthritis in Jesus name. it was an amazing moment, just so full of God's goodness. that even opened up an avenue for us to talk about church, cause she asked us what church we went to and we said planetshakers, and she said that she usually worked near there and always wanted to go. what a divine appointment indeed! :) and yea we just invited her to come along and everything, and just.. God is so good la. :)

i guess this year has taught me so much. i still remember feeling SO frustrated early this year that i'm stuck in med school, unable to do anything that can help people now and without all my other avenues that i had in malaysia as well. and looking back now, i see how God has turned my seemingly plain situation into different ways of serving Him. i've come to a place where i feel such a strong sense of calling over my life, and.. i'm excited. :) excited for more that is to come, more growth, more love, more miracles, more, just more. :)

just feeling very happy-peaceful-full now, that feeling i haven't felt in a while. God is so good. and i stand, in awestruck wonder. :)

blessed to be a blessing,
candice

the hopeless romantic

... knowing that sometime over the next few years, my love story will begin with 'Hi I'm Candice! What's your name?'

And he'd smile and say 'Hi! I'm _______'

Hahaha :P after exam (sort of) bliss. :)

Love,
Candice

Baptism 301011

I did it! Finally, baptised in water as a public declaration that I believe there is salvation through Jesus Christ. :) and it feels awesome, i feel awesome right now. hahah.

Going in the water was a surreal experience, and even the entire time leading up to it. I was praying while waiting my turn, speaking in tongues, praying for the Holy Spirit to move powerfully in the service. I am also so thankful to Nicole who offered me a hug as I cried and for praying with me, believing with me and standing in the gap with me as an extra prayer warrior. And to have so many people I love there as I was immersed, to have them praying together with the pastor upholding me to the kingdom of God.. supernatural indeed. :) I guess my only regret was not having my whole family there too, like my dad, mum and ta jie, but still.. an immense honour to have bea che and my second family there for me. In retrospect, I'm glad I got baptised today and not any other time. :)

And to immortalize their beauty..


These are the GORGEOUS flowers I got today from my sister, chris and sam, my urban life (i think), and gladys! :) Thanks heaps guys, they are so beautiful! :D

Still, I think the part of today that seems so embedded in my mine was watching qui get baptised. I rushed into the baptismal part of first service to see him get baptised (lucky he was first) and managed to get there in time. Man, the atmosphere was incredible! God's presence was so thick in that place and as I stood alongside urbies to pray for him from the side as he got baptised, it was just so amazing i can't even describe it. The God in that moment, i tried to think of another word, but it seemed only 'God' befitted how supernatural that moment was. but yea, the God in that moment.. just.. brought tears to my eyes. It was such a moment of honour and faith and the overflowing of the goodness of God. just.. wow.

but yea, had an amazing AMAZING time. :)

much blessings,
candice

humbled

today i stood with a few people i didn't know to encourage an old friend. and in reading the responses of those people, i feel so incredibly.. humbled, and blessed. these few people, they loved and encouraged SO extravagantly, and it reminded me of all my Christian brothers and sisters out there who i have yet to meet even, who are willing to walk beside one another through life, to pull people up and carry them when life gets too tough to bear. and.. in all humility i can say, i've never been more proud to be a Christian. to witness the beauty of honest, humble hearts standing together for a common goal, to feel the immense love of God Himself flow through them.

i stand amazed and in great awe of You Lord, of how beautiful You are, a beauty that stretches from the setting sun to the hearts of your humble servants. :)

Blessed,
Candice

a time of 'becoming'

check out what i went through today. :P

http://hammeredwoundsplasterednails.xanga.com

well from the obvious first, gosh i used to be such a geeky figure. hahahha.


like.. spot me. hahahh the NERDIEST looking one there.

but then again, it's not like i turned out all that much better. hahhaha.


but, jokes and stupitness aside, it's pretty surreal reading the words of 13 year old me, surprised at the relationship I already had with God then, just completely forgot i met Him that early on in my life. and yea, i'm reading myself tell lame jokes and do 'XD', which i so don't do anymore, and i'm pretty amazed at how far i've come. guess 13 year old me never thought i'd actually make it to nearly 18. which is still, in the words of everyone around me, SO YOUNG. hahahha. sometimes i feel like an old soul in a young body. sometimes. ;) anyways, it was nice to re-read those posts and see how my life had unfolded since, realize the new friendships i have forged and treasured since, watch the family ties grow and remain strong despite circumstances and above all, reminisce about how far i've come with God, and feel how much stronger my love for Him now is than it used to be, from spending more time with Him through various circumstances over the years and know without a doubt, that there's still so much further for me to go. :) life's been good. :)

and so, here's to the 23 year old candice that will one day be sitting down (hopefully preparing to graduate from uni already) reading this, and saying the same thing all over again. may you have a nicer picture of yourself then, but more so, have more stories of love, hope, life and faith to share. :)

love,
candice

Ecclesiastes 3:11

The image that's been in my mind all day. :)

Love,
candice

train therapy

There's something about long train rides that soothe me, and bring me peace. I'm typing this as I sit at huntingdale station tonight, a quiet night so far, awaiting the train. And most of the time, I love being surrounded by people, friends, family, but some moments, I like spending alone, on a long train ride, especially when I have not yet even decided on my destination. Not all who wander are lost. :)

But for now, the world is still, and all is good. I'm not scared, anxious or stressed, like I've been the past week and will be next week. It's funny how in the simplest of moments, God chooses to reveal His beauty and presence to me. That a bench by the train tracks is not a place He will not go to spend time with His daughter. I'm here listening to words on my music player like "but the voice of truth tells me a different story, but the voice of truth, says do not be afraid, and the voice of truth, says this is for My glory, out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to believe the voice of truth" and "You tore the veil, You made a way, when You said that is done", I feel myself really listening to the words He chooses to speak to me instead of passing them by like I've been doing all week, letting my worries cloud my faith.

Anyways, the train is here, and I'm gonna enjoy the bliss of my long, quiet train ride, proof to me there's still much beauty in the little things in life. :)

Much love and blessings,
Candice

He cares

" "Give all your worries to Him, because He cares about you."
- 1 Peter 5:7

Maybe you don't want to trouble God with your hurts. After all, He's got famines and pestilence and wars: He won't care about my little struggle you think.

Why don't you let Him decide that? He cared enough about a wedding to provide the wine. He cared enough about Peter's tax payment to give him a coin. He cared enough about the woman at the well to give her answers."
- Max Lucado Daily Devotions

It's scary how much the daily devotion i get in my email sometimes speaks to me so specifically.

Just the other day i heard God say, "Now that you believe I can, do you believe I want to?"

Being molded for more,
Candice

set apart for more

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her."
- Max Lucado

So true. :) And on the days i start whining to God again about when it'll be my turn, i hear Him say, I'm saving you for someone special. And lately, I guess I've started believing that even more strongly, letting his promise overwhelm me with confidence that I don't have to ever settle, but to just trust, and an interesting thought occurred to me today on this topic. I thought, "God, what if i don't like the guy You picked out for me?" Hahahha, stupid question, but it ran across my mind. and i heard Him reply, "don't you think I know what disappoints you and what makes you happy?" Hahaha, that was.. eye-opening. :P but yea, for now, being single is really a gift I think, I'm falling in love with God again, growing, loving, developing, becoming the woman of God He desires me to be, and one day, when He knows the time is right, the right person'll come along. :)

i like how pastor sergio said to the guys that when they are about to begin a relationship that God is trusting them with His daughter.

but gosh, Mighty Men conference sounds amazing, it feels so awesome to just be in the atmosphere today where God was ministering to people but not particularly me, not this season, but still, to be in His awesome presence as He moved.. blew me away. imagine seeing Him move, amongst men, desiring to rise up to greater things, to step up to the call He has over their lives. wow. AIYA I'M SO JEALOUS NOW, I WANNA GO TOO! :(

anyways, gotta run. bye! :) <3

little secrets

it always makes me feel really warm inside to hear someone say "come back soon". :)

so..

'If the devil isn't causing you any trouble, it's probably cause you aren't causing him any.'
- Pastor Chris Hill

faith

i realized recently, that faith is being JOYFUL in watching the breakthroughs and miracles in other people's lives while you are still waiting for your own, especially when your breakthrough feels impossible and painful to hope for. Cause we know, that we serve the same God who is able to do abundantly exceeding above all else we ask or think for our lives, and we rejoice together as a body of Christ. :)

faith.. is also falling back on the truths of your life, making a conscious decision to believe it even when circumstances drag you to a corner and make you doubt.

at the end of the day, don't let the devil steal your joy.


lub,
mee :D

reality

i realized that looking back on old blogspots, i always write about the ups in my Christian walk, and hardly ever about the downs, probably out of shame, or just.. an earthly desire to make a perfect image of myself. but the truth is, i learn more in pain than in good times and greater testimonies come out of that too. truth is, i have been going through some spiritual battles lately, and very often i feel weary, and tired of fighting. and at times when i can't bring myself to believe in what i know in my heart to be the truth, i hear the voices of people from my past, encouraging, prophesying, praying. i hear pastor matt reminding all of us that we are going to be tested, to see if we have really changed for God, to see if what we learnt about spiritual battles have stuck. he also said to be glad when we're tested cause then we know the devil really is scared because he sees the change in us. i hear the one leader in that prayer tunnel saying to me "you have a warrior's spirit, don't give up, keep fighting". i hear various people telling me that God's got a big plan for me, i hear that in my spirit too, so so often. i hear the words in jon's letter saying "failures are only failures when you don't learn from them". i hear all these things, and most days it pulls me through. i really struggle though when the devil attacks these words too, saying things like, they didn't really mean it, or they say that to everyone. still, i know i have a God that WILL FIGHT for me, that with one cry He is by my side. even without the cry He is actually, always. but yea, i guess the point i wanted to make was that the Christian walk isn't easy. if you find it easy, you're probably doing something wrong, or you're getting comfortable. but it does not mean there is no joy in this journey, on the contrary, our God is a God of joy, and of peace, and of blessing. and He always will be.

also, it's been getting harder for me to hear and distinguish God's voice from my own. some days i sit down and try and try and try but i hear nothing. and it frustrates me at first, actually for a long time it did, but now i realize that this is a test of my faith. will i press on until i see results? will i not give up, like what was said over me, until the miracles i am praying for come to pass? do i love God enough to keep trying? am i desperate enough to not accept nothing? and like i said above, some days i don't even wanna try anymore. but i know, that this is where i'm growing. this is the time where i'm being molded and shaped to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and this is the true measure of my character. and you know what, looking from it that way today, i realized, devil, BRING IT ON. i'm not afraid of whatever you throw at me, and even when i can't hear God, i will not falter cause i know He's there. i know He's still holding me, still reaching out to me, and still loving me.

today, i was late for second service, and it made me feel really distressed, and sinful. so in all that eeurghness, i wasn't really absorbing in service, thinking this doesn't apply to me! and today's sermon was on faith. but still, i had a feeling that i should stay for third service as well. so i did, out of faith. and it was good! i was able to go for this service a bit more free and easy, and many things and mindsets were changed, and for now at least, the battle is won. for now. :) God is good. i love how the words in the song Nothing is Impossible spoke so truly to me. "I'm not gonna live by what i feel, cause deep down i know that You're here with me.." so yea anyways, towards the end of the message in second, it struck me, this message speaks heaps about my situation too! haaha it was just a good time in church today la. :P

and i guess something i wanted to say that was on my mind all day was that.. i'm not always fully secure. there are people in my life that i feel will not love me anymore if i make a mistake, if i mess up or just don't make enough time for them. there are people in my life who i care for deeply, but there's that unshakable feeling (whether true or not) that the reverse is for me to earn. and when things start falling apart, i rely on different groups of people for that emotional support. but i realized.. people WILL always eventually fail me, and i too will always fail some people somehow in some point of time. but God. man.. God. He is the ONLY person whose love i never had to earn. i never had to fight to keep it, i only had to fight to keep believing it. how can God so sovereign love me? but when that realization hits you like it did me, you won't be the same again. i have one perfect love in my life. one love, that will NEVER walk away when i'm at my ugliest inside out, when i'm worn out, beaten, bruised, one love that is truly, absolutely, UNCONDITIONAL. and suddenly i feel so secure again. when i immerse myself into His conscious presence, i remember the truth, i feel it, and i know that God is really all i need. and then i also remember that love between people here is not about the number of events i get invited to or go to, it's not the number of friends i have on facebook, or the activity on my wall. it's about the people i can call (if they actually wake up by the call) at any time to just talk about my problems, it's about the simple expression of love - a hug that i get on occasion when i see them, it's about people i can be myself around and really just believing, even if it takes perasan-ness, cause that does take more courage in this case than believing otherwise, that i am loved.

so yea. you know, God is just.. phenomenal. in every season, in every circumstance. thank You Lord, for teaching me new things through this. :)

blessed,
Candice :)

redemption

'Jesus Christ, our Savior, who is the propitiation, the satisfaction if you would, for our sins, and not just for our sins, but for the sins of the whole world. The blood of Jesus Christ flowed from seven places. The first place He bled from - the blood that poured from His head that day. The blood from the thorns in His skull cleanse you from thoughts, the blood that was on His face - hey, He has covered the things that you may not want to face up to because of what you've seen or heard. Know this, the blood flowed for you. "Yeah, but Jon, you just don't know I've backed away from the Lord, I've turned my back on him." Well they took a flagellum and they beat His back and blood flowed from His back. It reduced to hamburger meat that day, His back was beaten so brutally. And if you've turned your back on Him and walked away from Him, know this, the blood, the blood that poured from His back, cleanses you; sprinkles you. "Yeah but Jon, you just don't know what I've done with these hands." Those hands were pierced, those hands were pinned to the tree, spikes driven through those hands where He bled to cleanse you and cleanse me from the stuff that we've handled that we ought not to have handled, the stuff that we've done that we ought not to have done. Hey, understand. The blood flowed from His hand. "Yeah but it's stuff that's inside of me Jon, It's just things that I feel in my gut. I have bitterness towards them, and I'm angry with her." Jesus wants you to know that blood flowed from His side when they thrust that spear into Him when He hung on the cross. "Feet...I've walked where I ought not to have walked." Blood flowed from His feet too, when the spike pinned Him through the feet, to the cross of calvary. And now I realize things that I can't face up to, thoughts that I've had that are not right, not good, not true, bitterness inside of me, stuff I've touched that I ought not to touch, places I've gone where I ought not to have walked. And I look and I realize the seven-fold flowing of the blood of Christ cleanses me in every area from all sin and I'm free, and I'm forgiven, by the blood. What can wash away my sin, nothing but the blood of Jesus. Seven times perfection...seven places...that's what He went through, for me and for you.'
- Awakening, by Seven Places

Gosh.. how amazing God's love for us truly is. Unending, and perfect. Listening to this today just made me so speechless, and i knew i had to share this and post it up cause this story of redemption will always hold power, it will always bring meaning and forgiveness to those who seek it. Praise God for being exactly who He is, now and forevermore. :)

Loveee,
Candice

CAMP CAMP CAMP! :D

like check out how awesome camp was man! :D :D :D

planetUNI Camp 2011 - Highlights Reel from planetUNI TV on Vimeo.

Can you spot MEE? :D

love heaps,
candice! :D

more in love

"Tell your stories, cause they speak not of you but they speak of Me."

Camp was a downright mindblowing experience for me. On more than one occasion i have said, if for JUST this moment here, i will still have packed my bags and came to camp. i know i write about events in my life a lot, and to someone who does not share the same faith it would be just boring or irritating, but i challenge you to read my account of camp today, since you're already here anyways. dare you?

my favourite part of camp was the last night session as everyone was getting ready and lining up to go for the prayer tunnel. for those of you who don't know what a prayer tunnel is, it's where all the leaders line up in two rows facing each other and people go through that 'tunnel' and have hands laid on them and prophetic words spoken over their lives. but not all the amazing blessing came from the tunnel alone. i was so humbled to see people who were waiting to go in pray for one another and carry each other as we believe for breakthrough. i have never seen such a beautiful sight and God's presence was just soaking through that entire place and the atmosphere was just filled with holiness and man, i can't even describe it. i was so especially blessed by ern ying's prayer for me before i entered the tunnel as she spoke words of life that were so so timely for me, reminding me of who God really is and to receive the plans God has for me cause that will affect the lives of so many other people as well who would be impacted by my life. and in the tunnel, a particular prophetic word saying God has given you a warrior's spirit, keep fighting felt so on-the-spot and just wow. after going through it, i took a seat nearby and just watched as more people went through the tunnel, sang along quietly to the worship music, basked in Hid glorious presence and felt such an overwhelming sense of fullness and peace. i was so drawn to God's presence in that place, to the sound of faith rising up louder and louder as people were praying in tongues and others were responding as God was moving in their lives. Gosh i really can't describe the wonder i felt at that time, and i thought to myself, God, you must be so proud of your people right now. and i meant it not a way intended for self-glorification but in one of honour, where people were just carrying one another in faith and as an army we rose to worship the God of the universe. just wow. mind blowing. :)

and as i sat there i knew that i want God more. i want Him more than good grades, more than anyone else, just so much more and i fell in love with Him all over again that night. and i find it so amazing that it's not only me that was doing so, and it made me realize that everyone is still here, still worshipping because we have all had that love encounter with God that is more real than.. other real things in our lives. God's overwhelming love for us can't be described you know, it must be experienced and when you do experience that, when God draws in and just POURS OUT HIS LOVE on you, you'll never be the same ever. that night, i saw people rising up to fight the devil by declaring things over their lives, i saw lives rededicated to God.that night, i saw grown men cry, broken on their knees before their Saviour, in a deeply personal relationship with Him too. i was so blown away and humbled by this, and truly, real men fight on their knees.

and to people who think of me as overly religious or 'too into it', which is okay, an honour even i suppose, my only response is that... i love my God more than life and He deserves it, that and so much more. i wouldn't have missed this camp experience for the world. i find myself growing in God again, in a whole new level and this time it feels so different cause my growth is out of love. out of just being so crazy in love with Him and having Him love me so passionately as well. hahah i keep getting a loss for words.

but overall i learnt SO MUCH from this camp, not just from the last night.

ooh one thing that became clear for me. lately i have been very troubled by God's revelation that He has big plans for me. like BIG. and i keep getting that impression and then freaking out because i'm afraid it's too big for me. it doesn't really make much sense i guess, but i was very troubled by this, and as much as my heart burns to rise up, to do greater things for God's kingdom, i did not feel ready at all and things feel like they're already moving too fast. but then i had such a God moment and it hit me that the reason i don't feel ready to do all those things for god is because the i am not yet the girl in my future. i'm not at the level of spiritual faith and growth she's in, and it's gonna take a lot of hard work to get to that place and to watch God move in my life every step of the way.

other than that, the other moment i felt so poignant was when we gave jon the ipad 2 we got him, and the scrapbook. the plan was to get a non ulu13 member pass the ipad to him and say eh you know who's this is ar? why have your name on it wan? so we were all just sitting around him 'chilling' as this guy acts the scene for us and we all just move in excited and all, awaiting his reaction. he was absolutely speechless, just smiling in a very moved sorta way, and it just felt so amazing being able to honour him like that and thank him for everything he's done for us. just for that moment in seeing his reaction to the ipad first then the scrapbook with our pictures, notes and love, it was already worth going to camp for man.. i absolutely love this kingdom culture of honouring like what scott and the rest of planetuni did for pastor matt today and just thanked him for being such a spiritual dad to the whole ministry and to see pastor matt's humbled speechless expression.. i just love it so much man, that there was so much beauty and supernaturalness in us practicing the culture of honour and it felt so holy that moment. so outta this world. many eyes teared up throughout, including mine man. :') but yea anyways back to jon, we were all pleasantly surprised back with a handwritten letter afterwards and i was so so excited to read mine but sad too, cause once you read a letter, it's like.. read you know. hahah. and to be honest the first time i read it, i was like.. ohh. erm okay. that's what jon wanted to say? but.. i read it again. and again. and again. and somewhere between the second and third time i read his words, i got it. and suddenly i saw his huge heart and personal-ness in the words he was saying specifically to me and that even in leaving he was still discipling us to grow more. that letter is definitely one of my absolute favourites that i have ever received now, and i will always treasure those words a lot, as a starting point to grow and also a place to look back on for encouragement in tough times.
thank you jon, for everything if you're reading this. you have made SUCH a big impact on my life and taught me so much about life and people and i want to be able to pass that on to other people i come into contact with in the future. life back in malaysia is gonna be so amazing for you as God keeps molding you and expanding you and i am very excited for what is to come for you. thanks so so much. :)

oh and i loved the fellowship in camp too. the crazy morning dance battle in room 41, the late night awkward matters talk, the games, the encouragements to study, the one on ones and how my urban life has become so much like a second family to me. everyone, and even those people i am less close to have become people that mean the world to me and i thank God for every decision i made along the way that brought me to this place, of having the best brothers and sisters in Christ, like minded with one goal and eagerness to serve each other in love. AWESOME!

*picture soon!*

yea.. that's all for now though i have so much more to sayy! will update this soon.

love HEAPSICUM,
candice :D

and i'm back here again..

.. at a place where i KNOW i cannot do this without God's help.

Lord, I need You, so much.

growth

i find it easier to trust God when He's calling me to do something i don't mind doing. but i think, all of us who's heard God call them feels the same way la, such a DUH! statement ahhaha. or when i don't mind either of the two options He wants me to pick between. what's difficult for me now is trusting Him with something i want more than i've ever wanted, an experience that i know will bring my passion for Him and for people to a whole new level, but.. what if it's not time for me yet? what if He says.. wait? i know God's got a better plan for me, He always does and that proves true when i look back over my life and see His hands molding my journey. and yea it did require faith along the way but i'm here. and i think i'm right where He wants me for now. with my dream.. i suppose we'll just have to see where God sends me. :)

many times, i resort to pulling myself down because i don't wanna have a big head, or assume that there's more in me than there really is. but God's been so faithful, sending person after person after people to continually believe in me and encourage me to go further and accept my annointing. which i find super duper amazing, that i could be viewed by God as worthy to be a part of this cause. :) and now, i'm really starting to believe that there is an annointing upon me, that God intends to use me for His greater purpose and that in obedience, i can accomplish so much for the kingdom of God. boy, am i excited for that! :D

God, please help me to study AMEN. :) Haihz. stress max man.

recently i felt really led to do something and it wasn't something i really felt comfortable doing but i knew in my heart God was nudging me to say something. so as i went through my internal battle, my heart began to beat really fast to the point of like.. eruption. ahahhaha weird description but yea, in the end i knew i had to do what God wanted me to do. and it was quite cool, not as bad as i thought and afterwards i had that shaking sensation again like in conference this year. which was.. strange but interesting. felt like it was leftovers of the Holy Spirit's presence working in me. didn't last that long this time though, which i didn't really mind, cause i was just really glad that i can go home and be happy that i was obedient and i'm sure somewhere, it bore fruit, even if it was a tiny one. :P

"The joy of the Lord is my strength" :) lately there's been a few more issues i've been struggling with, but then i stop and remember this verse. and i think, it's okay, i know that i've done pretty much right by God and like jon said, be personal but don't take it personally. and i remember, that my mission in life is to care for others and to love them like Christ loves me, but if it doesn't bring forth the results i would have wanted, it's okay, because i sowed the seeds and God will one day reap it. :)

i'm feeling pretty good today after all! :D :D thanks God. :)

AFTER CHURCH:

I just wanted to share some of the things i learnt in church today and of how God moved in me and brought me peace! something worth sharing about indeed! :P

so yea, as we entered a time of worship today, i was feeling rather emotional la and as i started to tear while we were singing i was thinking "God why am i crying la, aiya why i so silly la, what's this!!! Umm maybe it's cause i'm scared of yada yada and struggling with this and that..." and i felt Him say to me, "You don't have to justify your tears with Me." stunned, i thought, how AWESOME is it that i can approach the throne of heaven in all its holiness with tears, with a desperate heart's plea, with one cry resounding "DADDY", and the God of the universe immediately comes to my rescue? God is so good.

and that's not even it! while i was just talking to Him, whining about how hard it is to do everything right, and of how much i desired to just be perfect that i may please Him, to do my devotions daily and to obey every calling, to know His voice so clearly, to not make any mistakes etc. i really wish i didn't have to deal with my imperfections. and God said to me, "I am pleased with your struggling, cause it means you haven't given up although it's difficult." like WHOA. i can't even describe how that encounter made me feel, just so.. safe. :)

i just know now that something is brewing in my life, that God is molding me to be more, MORE than i have ever been or could have ever dreamed of. I am so terrified of what is come, but nothing beats the inner joy and peace of surrendering it all to my Lord and Saviour. :)

"Don't pull back on God when you're under pressure!"

"It is my job to love God more. If i am still at this level of faith next year, it means i've backslidden."

"When you're going through absolute HELL but you still find the faith to pull through and the courage to encourage others, that's when the world sees the best in you."

"Even when everything was going wrong in Jesus life, He chose to bend down and wash the feet of His disciples. Even at His worst, He chose to give His best."

i absolutely love that my God does not ask me to do anything He hasn't done before, not even regarding humility and serving others. <3 <3

love BANYAKERSSS,
candice :)

because i've been learning alot

i've learnt that my walk in life is my own, and that i need not compare it with others. i may not get the grades i want, be who people expect me to be or do everything right, but what matters is i follow God's heart for my life. and as long as i know i am in line with what He wants for me, even if everything else comes crumbling down, i will have succeeded for that moment in time. :)

I've learnt that there is so much joy in serving, even in preparing to serve there's already so much joy! hmm, i might change my mind when things start to overwhelm, which is why i've written this down here, to remind me that serving is an honour and a joy. :)

i've learnt that God is always thinking about me, and longing to talk to me. and He deserves so much more time than what i give Him right now.

i've learnt that the best ministry i can ever be a part of is my life. And that to serve most effectively is to have my life become my ministry, to uphold the name of my Creator in everything i do, in how i treat people, in remaining upright in challenging situations. :)

i've learnt how important it is to say "Show me, teach me how" in the face of correction. and not to be bitter about it. a true disciple loves correction! :)

i've learnt that some people are with me on borrowed time, and after being such a blessing to me, God will eventually carry out His greater will over their lives and send them out. In the meantime, having caught that annointing and blessing, i can go and spread what i have caught to other people. :)

i've learnt that God is ultimately in control. and that He knows the desires of my heart. He'll make a way for it all to happen, according to His will. :) I surrender all to You O Lord.

i've learnt that there are REALLY AMAZING people around me in my life now, all playing a role in upholding me and growing me. <3 <3 <3

and.. i've learnt that God's got way bigger dreams for me than i've ever had for myself.

thank You Daddy God! :)

with peaceful joy once more,
candice :)

just a little bit more

ooh so much to say but it's all fujumblied. i guess my story this time around started last thursday night, as i was up to do an assignment at 3 am. and just with a lot of stuff that was happening that day, i was feeling really discouraged, like i really just needed encouragement, any little scrap of it to show me i'm loved and appreciated and going the right direction. and i suppose it was in that moment (and other similar ones) of raw vulnerability that the enemy speaks lies into my mind, and have me believe them. lies like i wasn't good enough, God won't forgive me if i mess up one more time, He's gonna take back the future He revealed to my leaders about me, i was never gonna be really loved etc. i know, sob story drama in my head but anyways yea, spiritual attacks like these, they do happen. and i think the first step that's most important in fighting them is actually recognizing that it is one, and not the truth. and now i know and believe, that the only reason the devil is attacking me is because he knows i can be great for God's kingdom in Christ and he's afraid.

That night, i went through old notes and letters, memories from my past. And there were two particular letters (from friends) that brought me to the point of tears. see i couldn't believe it, that people would have so much faith in me, unwaveringly believing that i will have a big future ahead of me, that i will one day do great things for God and His people. i couldn't see that potential in myself and reading those two letters that spoke such honest words of encouragement, i realized i was tricked. tricked into thinking people didn't care or didn't see anything good enough in me. i realized i was loved enormously as well. and i immediately thanked God, for giving me the love of others to fall back on when i feel weak and can't go on anymore. one other letter struck me too, one i wrote two years ago to myself. and it was so strange, hearing this.. kid encourage me. she's saying stuff like, yea i'm gonna sit for spm soon, don't give up on your dreams etc. and i'm like whoa, she believes in me.. how come i can't?

but yea anyways, the next day, i participated in my sister's urban life, and sure enough, with God's hand upon it all, the topic was 'Battlefield of the Mind'. We spoke about the devil our deceiver and how he's trying to break us by just planting that one thought in our heads (so inception! :P) and watch us self-destruct. it was an awesome time i had that night with such a timely word, which we ended with prayer, declaring God's power over all that, and then worship. awesome stuff man. so yea, that's that.. :P chains were truly broken that night Amen! :)

and this weekend i also learnt more about humility. and that i will ALWAYS have something to learn from someone older than me, people who are more experienced than i am. and regardless of how disagreeable and unappealing their characters may be sometimes, there's always something to be learnt, and at the end of it, someone else to pray for. which was a pretty good lesson after all that is gonna be tough to practice but.. very rewarding i'm sure. :)

oh and urbs last wed was freakinnn AWESOME. we did an open hat session where we all got to ask burning questions we never dared ask and thankfully, we had jon to answer all the really difficult ones. i learnt SO MUCH that night and am still so grateful for this second family i have here to lean back on in the good and bad. :)

medball was on saturday! :) it was pretty fun, my two fairy godmothers (che and alicia) did an amazing job with me apparently! hahaha, it was kinda nice to be all pretty and all for a night, but i realized that i never want to be just that. and i thought to myself today, what do you want people to see when they look at you? and the first answer that came to my mind was the love of God. still it's easy for me to say thing like that, things like looks isn't everything when i don't look half-bad, and that my spiritual gift is voluntary poverty when i've never really experienced poverty. i've never really given more to and for God than i could somehow afford, and yea.. it's a scary thing to pray for God to challenge me and grow me on all that though, cause though i don't like admitting it, these things give me some sense of security. but in order to grow, and mature, and show the world that God is truly all i need, i pray Lord that You will do what You will in my life. As freakily scary this prayer is Lord, i pray that people see more when they look at me, i pray that they see You, holding me together. You, carrying me. You, loving others through me. You, with overflowing favour and testimonies in my life. let them see You o God. Let me decrease while you increase. and let my life be my ministry Lord i pray. :) so yea you know, the night's over and i am who i am as always once again, the little Christian girl who loves her God heaps, who tells unfunny jokes and gets high on bubblegum ice cream. THAT's the real me. :) and it's people that see me as that girl and accepts me just that way that i believe, truly cherishes me as a friend. :P

church was pretty good today too! :) i learnt a lot of pretty good stuff from fast track, and i'm starting to feel my confidence come back, bit by bit, by various unconscious encouragements said over me this weekend. still i don't think i'm ready to do any big ministry involving leading others yet, but as scott said, we need to not feel adequate enough that we will rely fully on God and not our ownselves. so God, lead the way! :) i'll follow. :)

so yea, with everything going on in my life now, i can say it's be busy, at times hard, at times painful but so far, it's been just day after day of experiencing God in different ways and feeling His love surround me. He's been SO GOOD to me and i just feel so so blessed. i love how He can be so real sometimes, when i really enter in and seek His presence. today i could really feel Him holding my hand and whispering soft encouragements to me, things i really needed to hear.

and the kind of God who does that, who makes the earth turn and the sun rise every day but still bothers to calm me in the middle of my storm, that's the kind of God worth devoting my all, my everything to. I love You so much Lord. :) thank You, for everything.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God my Saviour
has ransomed me
and like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
- Amazing grace (bridge) by Chris Tomlin

He loves you too,
candice :)

we are oh so forgetful

today as i was sitting in a lecture, (and listening ATTENTIVELY :D ), when i suddenly thought of breadcrumbs and hansel and gretel. the only thing i remember about that story is about two kids and a trail of breadcrumbs and how they couldn't find their way back home but they succeeded once somehow.

so i turned to luth who was sitting next to me and asked her to tell me the story. and she went uhhh... they left a trail of breadcrumbs but birds ate them up so they got lost, and something about a witch and a gingerbread house. or something along those lines. by then lecture was about over, so we began to go no la, not like that! and did they succeed once? got gingerbread house with a lot of candy?

finally we turned around after lecture and asked eugene. all he said was.. huh, they all died in the end la! =.= what a fantastic storyteller he is indeed!!

i even asked james who pretty much said the same thing luth and i said and added something like how would i know la!!

hahaah and it didn't even end there man. shanan, best of all, indulged us with what he thought was the real story of hansel and gretel. Ohhh they went to the forest and left breadcrumbs so they can find their way back home. but hansel kept eating all the breadcrumbs, so they couldn't find the trail and got lost. so the witch ate them.

man, how we burst out laughing retelling that story! :P ahahha one of the random things that made my day funnier. not to mention the bird incident, which was another round of laughter, of which the bringer of hilarity would like to remain unmentioned. LOL.

anyways, if you're wondering what the real story is, read it here! :) http://ivyjoy.com/fables/hansel.html

okay rest a bit then assignments here i come! :)

wayy exhausted but satisfied with a day of hard work,
candice :)

so recently i've learnt..

that it's okay to need other people. i've actually started to pick up the phone and text someone when i'm not feeling too good, when i need advice and assurance. and though a lot of times i wish i was superwoman, wish that i didn't ever have to need anyone, that i can be strong tower people can just come and rely on, i learnt that i will always have things to learn from other people. and it's about biting back my pride and just admitting that i need your help. well, your.. being whoever i turn to in the end. :P

that the answer to my prayers can only be achieved with waiting. Waiting and praying. and obedience too, when the time is right. it's difficult as anything, but i learnt that so much growth happens while we are waiting. :)

that when water (ESPECIALLY MUDDY WATER) gets into your boots cause there's a hole, and doesn't dry up, they really stink up the whole shoe. like really.

that my nasi rojak tastes pretty awesome.

that the enemy is always attacking me, and i need to build up my prayer life to fight him back. i need God to fight my battles for me.

that faith.. is all about letting go and letting God. in giving Him things i want to hold on to so badly and watching it grow to become more than i can even imagine in time.

that Clexane prevents blood from clotting without affecting bleeding.

and more that i can't really think of now.

byebye xoxo,
candice :)

thank You God

I recently started a 40 day fast and prayer, but in all honesty, i've been struggling with the prayer bit. it seems so difficult to just sit down and commit time to God again. anyways, i started doing this cause i really just wanted that intimacy with God again, to stop feeling so disconnected like i've been since i started my holidays. sighs. still, in this first week, God's been opening up my eyes to having so many things to be thankful for. :) and i just wanted to share some of them with you guys (in no particular order! :P). :D

thank You Lord, for your amazing, beautiful women of God that make carrotballs and cheesy wedges and weird ginger ice cream.<3


thank You Lord, for the unplanned late late night heart to heart talk. :)

thank You Lord, for the rain, the hail, the loss of direction in the middle of a jungle in a mountain, and the fellowship and closeness it brought us. :)




thank You Lord, for the success of lab305's launch and for the incredible journey You've brought my sister and her friends on. :)

thank You Lord, for taking care of the people i am unable to care for, and for providing for them and never forsaking them, in ways i cannot.

thank You Lord, for really nice, friendly and encouraging bus drivers.

thank You Lord, for sending friends to teach me to ride a bicycle and make sure i do so safely. :P

thank You Lord, for favor amongst Your lovely people.

thank You Lord, for helping me survive through med school.

thank Your Lord for the the message today, reminding me You will never forsake me through this new challenge to draw closer to You.

thank You Lord, for the beautiful, beautiful people You have put in my life right now, right here. i know you're up to something with my life, and i trust You. yea.. i trust You Pops. :)

thank You Lord, for love. :) for Your unending love to me, for the love You have given the people around me towards me, and for the love You have given me for others.

thank You Lord, for the overflowing grace You've given me over and over again, though You could have given up on me long ago.

thank You God, for being You, nothing I deserve and everything that's more than I could have ever hoped for and imagined. :) i love You God, and i am excited to see what's gonna happen in the upcoming weeks! :)

realizing we all have much to be thankful for,
candice :D

you know what..

i love that church is a place for broken people. that nobody is too bad to be loved by God. it isn't about perfection, it's about grace. God's grace upon a sinful people. :)

When Jesus heard this, he told them, "Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners."
- Mark 2:17

love,
candice

let faith arise

Beautiful Woman was incredibly AWESOME! the first night was already so amazing, from the beginning of worship to the very end, and i am so amazed by how personal my God is. struggling with various insecurities (struggled!), i heard God whisper to me today, I love you, I love you, I love you. and i think of all the days i've listened to the enemy's lies that i wasn't loved, that i've messed up one too many times for God's complete forgiveness and i feel.. empowered. stronger. rooted in what i believe in, in what i know to be the truth. God's presence was SO TANGIBLE in that place tonight, throughout the message, He was stirring in that place, breaking bondages and setting people free from the clutches of the enemy. I am just blown away by our God that loves so extravagantly and cares so deeply.

I just wanted to share some of my favourite quotes throughout this weekend:

There's this song we sing that has this line - "You are everything to Me." and everytime i hear it, i feel like God's saying that to me.

When you have begin to have something real with God, He will challenge and mess up the comfort you have substituted for a relationship with Him.

He DESIRES a relationship with you deeply!

*When God encounters you, He always leaves you uncomfortable (happy-scared!). So you're gonna need to pray hard! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - Philippians 4:13 You have to be disconnected from the familiar to be connected to the divine.

*Don't look back, if your eyes connect back to where you came from, you get pulled back to who you were.

Sometimes if you would be great in God, you've got to keep moving forward even if your heart is breaking behind you, even if your emotions are raging, and not look back. God knows the plans He has for you and they are BIGGER and BETTER than what you left behind!

It will never be the right time, we just gotta go!

To be a vessel for God's healing and power to come through.

You can never conquer what you won't confront.

*One praying woman can BREAK the hand of the devil upon the people she loves. One praying woman can change a city!

The devil is afraid when you really get serious with praying cause that's when you'll defeat him! A place of prayer is enough to kill the enemy!

*You just need to BELIEVE the Scripture you know.

.. and that's just some! like if i could tell you all i experienced and learnt... just WHOA. still amazed. :P

* 1 - this was such familiar territory yet it rung as such a true reminder. i remember sharing about this in cg and i actually said.. "you know what guys, the harder the better, if it means i'll get to experience God in the midst of all that". and as soon as i left a place of comfort, it became difficult to believe that again. it became so easy to just not wanna pray, not wanna talk, and looking back i see the influence the enemy had on me then, to unleash my laziness and all. but now.. as i remember what i asked God for all that time ago, i know that deep down, i want to pray the same prayer again. Lord, push me to that place of total dependence on You, to a place where i know that i cannot do anything if it wasn't Your gentle hands guiding me and strengthening me. Make me uncomfortable Lord, if it's what it takes to make me grow. Thanks God, for letting me eat my words and learn a valuable lesson once again. :)

* 2 - In line with this Pastor Chris Hill said, "i refuse to be sad forever!" which made me think of how much of my heart i left behind in malaysia, in my past. i'm always whining about how much i miss home that i was blinded to the beauty and amazing people God put before me here, to the joy He's made available for me if i would only get over myself and let go and move forward. now, in no way is moving forward to me forgetting the amazing people i had to part with, but to me it's more not letting my past joys cause me present pain. and consequently, (or not so, cause it's all in God's hands.. ;) ), that morning i had such a fun time getting mini melts with my uni friends, and just soaking in all the laughter and happiness of the present moment. just talking, and opening up again once more, determined to make the best out of where God has put me now. and when i learn to actually appreciate all these people in my life, i find that i am happy. i AM. :)


sonia missed out on the picture though! :( but ah well, she was bunches of fun to watch ridiculous youtube videos with. :P DESPONDEX!


and gosh not to mention these awesome girls (+ ernying, pearly and ann ee) who are just complete blessings in my life, along with the rest of ULU-13. i really thank God for these godly role models in my life, people i admire so much and who make me feel so so at home everytime. it was really great spending this time in beautiful woman with you all! <3 <3 <3

* 3 - i forgot the power of prayer. like.. i really forgot. so many times when i felt so helpless, i did everything but pray. and now i remember, the peace i get when i'm in a real conversation with God when we're alone, the security and affirmation that everything's gonna be alright. :) i've decided to pick it up again, and to fast from facebook too for the next 40 days. facebook is ridonkulous in taking up my time man.. so yea. challenge for me. :) and i'll never forget to take advantage of the absolute privilege i have to be directly connected to God, as His daughter and baby girl. :) i'm gonna keep praying and believing for a breakthrough, and when it comes i KNOW it will come with a double portion. AMEN!

* 4 - i've been believing a lot of lies in my head and now only do i see how strongly and truly the Scripture i know in my head and heart contradicts those thoughts. so these are the truths i will hold on to more strongly from now on.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 8:38-39

"Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."
- Ephesians 3:20-21

"..casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
- 1 Peter 5:7

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."
- Ephesians 2:8-9

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful"
- Psalm 139:14

and reinforcing this now, i won't be fooled into thinking that i am not good enough, or unloved, or will never be strong enough to carry out God's will over my life, or believe that i'm not gonna make it through med school or whatever else circumstance comes my way because GREATER IS HE WHO IS IN ME!

i guess to many who've never experienced God in this way before, it's difficult to believe that people could be so.. tethered and drawn to an invisible God. but it takes more that seeing to be visible , and real in a person's life. i feel God when He's around me, i know He always is but when i really tune in to that, i can feel Him so real, so true, so loving in my life. and once you know that sort of love He has for you, that deep, immeasurable love that was shown so sacrificial when Jesus died on the cross for our sins that we may be set free, when you really realize that, you'll see that everything else pales in comparison to the everlasting God. there's NO ONE like God, and nothing like His love, and believing that His plans over my life are gonna be greater than i've ever imagined.

i'm not afraid anymore, for now at least but i have the weapons i need to kill the fear should it arise again! for now, i'm not afraid of the future anymore, not afraid of the bad decisions i might make in the future, cause God's holding my hand and leading me into my anointing, my future, my inheritance as a daughter of the Most High King.

God He's awesome! :)

be blessed!! <3
candice :)