what happened to that fighting spirit of yours?

A friend asked me that yesterday. Sure we were talking about running, and stamina, but I felt the question spoke to me on a whole other level too.

What happened to that fighting spirit of yours dice?

I think for a couple weeks now I've been just moping around, glum, disappointed with much, upset, lonely, just --------. I feel like my heart's been really tired of being faithful, of continually believing for breakthroughs but watching none come to pass. Is it me? What's wrong with me now? It seems that with every time I am forced to face my shortcomings, I retract and just.. mope. What happened dice?


This image has been really speaking to me. I never want to be hard, but it seems like that's all I've been recently. Hard. Bitter. Numb. This period of waiting, of unanswered prayers has just been too tough on me, forcing me to wonder if being faithful isn't the right thing to do now.

But then I remember that one answered prayer. Earlier this year, I've had encounters with God that were supernatural but I just didn't understand the why bit. Like the uncontrollable shaking, at Planetshakers Conference mid this year. And I prayed and prayed for a word to be spoken over my life, for God to help me make sense of it all. I only got my answer, or realized I got more than what I expected months later. Turns out, this year, I've had more prophetic words spoken over my life than ever before. God is good.

Not only that, my sister finished her thesis with an awesome big bang, a miracle of a project. I have friends who got jobs this year, who made it through tough times, who had miracles happen in their lives. Please Candice, let this remind you that God is still working. And the God that handcrafted those miracles are setting yours in motion. Don't give up now.

I think, that at the same time, God's testing the extent of my faith. Is my faith simply a bargaining tool for miracles? Or am I faithful because I love Him? Therefore I choose now, to keep being faithful, in pain, in trials, in desperation. Because I love my Daddy, and because I can't go on without His strength rooting me on.

I know though, the cause of my eeyurghness lately. It's from my lack of alone time with God. I've been through this time and time enough to know that I have withdrawal symptoms from Him. C'mon girl, get your life in order again!

So no, I can't let that fighting spirit die. Not even if I have to fight like hell to keep that fighting spirit alive.

I cannot let myself be defined by the voices of those around me. I cannot afford to.
My only identity should come from the voice of God, telling me I am precious, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am loved.

I cannot let myself become someone I don't like. Someone who's hurt me before, who has the potential to hurt others. I cannot afford to.

I cannot run from my problems, I need to find the courage to face them, and start dealing with it from the bottom.

I cannot keep believing the lies intended to bring me down.

I cannot break down, and I won't.

I will fight.

And dear reader, I hope you do too.

"Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air."
- 1 Corinthians 9:26

Blessings,
Candice

courageous

I watched courageous today, and man, it was SO GOOD! such a beautifully done movie, definitely a great watch. I loved watching the faith of men in this show, a pure passion for God so rare amongst men, or in this show, fathers. There were so many amazing things I learnt from the movie, but I guess the most timely and important one was from this.

"Pastor: Well, you can be angry with God at the time you didn't get with her, or be grateful for the 9 years you did have with Emily."

I immediately thought of my results, and how upon knowing I made it through this year onto the next, my first reaction was still to be angry at God for the even better grades I did not receive.

Pop, I'm so sorry I got angry at You, and I see now that it was already such a blessing that You have brought me thus far. I will choose to believe that You're preparing my heart for even greater by starting me off with the small ones. I will be faithful in these, I promise. Thank You for being so kind Daddy, for not turning away even when I said hurtful things, for holding me through this year although so often, I didn't deserve it. No, I don't deserve a God like You. So graciously, thank You Pops, I love You heaps. :)

I've had a friend tell me once that she wanted to keep her twilight book collection for her children, something to pass along to them. Admittedly, we all have these things we want to share with our future loved ones. So, for the future guy in my life, wherever you are now, know that it's this movie! :P

Feeling better,
Candice :)

with what little remains

I'm tired. The past few days have been.. challenging for me, due to many different reasons. So, this is gonna be a messy post, be warned.

You know I spent a large part of this year believing. Really believing for the miracles I wanted (still want) to see in my life, and in the lives of those I love. And for this last thing this year, I really believed for it, I felt so led to, felt so strongly God would pull me through with a big bang. To be painfully honest here, as I looked at my results this time around, I felt so stumped, so angry, so.. betrayed. Lord I spent all year waiting on You, and I felt You promise me this. Sure enough, I passed the year and will be moving on to second year, but I expected so much more. A friend reminded me though, to be thankful for what God did give me, that to even make it through is a blessing enough. So I guess, one of the things I struggle with now is, where do I draw the line between believing for even greater, and being thankful for the hand I've been dealt? By all means I know that if I didn't put enough effort in, I shouldn't even expect so much. But I did try, and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. But now, I really hope that as I pick myself up from this crazy mess of emotions and thoughts, that I can be motivated to try even harder next year and not let this make me give up.

There are so many thoughts in my head now that I know are not of God, thoughts like "my prayers have no power" and "if I really am called to do this, then why am I not excelling in this?". There are angry thoughts towards Him too, such as me wondering why He isn't providing for me in other ways instead of having my father have to work so tirelessly to put me through med school. Why why why? Why have I been forsaken Daddy? .. I feel so beat down, like all the weight of my unanswered prayers are crushing down on me right now, all the disappointments from this year. But I know, the thing is I KNOW, that God's answers for my prayers are either 'not yet' or 'not this, I've got better for you'. And once more I know I have to fight these thoughts and hang on for all I have left to God and trust Him with my future. Once more I have to make myself fall back to the truths I know from experience and not let my emotions of the moment take me over. I need to believe I haven't been forsaken, that even in such a lousy situation as this, God has something to teach me. Even as I struggle to find my footing, He's holding me close.

I remember being at the airport yesterday night still feeling quite crappy, and watching a man push his son on a wheelchair. Sometimes, we all get really crappy circumstances in life, but really what defines our character is how we respond to them. What do you do when there is something that can be done? Candice, what will YOU do?

Recently, someone whose opinion does matter to me implied that I never think about what I do, that some of the things I do like getting my family to fetch me around, be it for a good reason, is in fact selfish. And thinking about the mission trip I applied for next year without really weighing the costs, I wonder now if I did the right thing. If I ever did the right thing. See I have my pocketful of dreams, dreams closer than I thought they would be, and when the opportunity arose, I grabbed it, ignoring much else. And now, with expensive fees, and the voice of that person in my head, I wonder if I was indeed too rash, too selfish in wanting to see my dreams come true too soon. Especially not being in a place of excellence academically now either, I can't even say I deserve this. I've always believed for the money to come from somewhere, for God to provide miraculously as I've heard in countless testimonies, but now that my parents have decided to subsidise me, I see that they are the ones that have to bear the weight of my desires - for this, and even med school. I hate being such a burden, and having to look in the mirror and perhaps see nothing but a selfish brat looking back at me. What if.. all the choices I have made up to this point have been the wrong ones? What if I'm not the good person I thought I was? What if? But more importantly, what do I do now? For the life of me, I have no idea whatsoever.

To sum things up, I believe that that voice came at a tragically 'perfect' timing. A last blow to crush my spirits completely after being already so disappointed with myself and with God. I've more than often chosen to give things up to God without thorough thinking, because I did not want to let rationalization hold me back from giving my absolute best. But standing there that day, already so hurt from a promise that didn't come to pass as I expected, even as I was hoping, praying for God to honour me back and give me back a double portion of what I have sowed into His kingdom, I felt completely blown away. I felt more discouraged than I've ever felt I think, and suddenly so unsure of the person I've built myself to be. And up till now, I haven't had the chance to think all this out, to be free to express the emotions I hold inside.

In all that discouragement, I've felt so unmotivated to be cheerful, to hold others up when I can barely keep myself together, to be nice when I need people to be nice to me instead. But, today in church, my eyes filled with tears as one of my favourite quotes came to mind.

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”
- C.S Lewis

I was also reminded in church today that to love God for what He can do for us is a shallow love, that the highest degree of love is loving simply because we know His heart enough. So, even from an exhausted spirit, God I pray that You will help me still be faithful. That we will get through this together. I pray God for an obedient heart that will run even further now, and never give up. I will not stop believing for greater Lord, and though I fall, I pray for the strength to pull myself together again and keep shining for You once more. Give me strength for just one more day Lord I pray.

And so I guess, I'm ending this year struggling also. Fighting the emotions demanding to be heard, fighting the harsh voices speaking at me unknowing of the pain they bring. But the quiet victory in my heart declares that it's not over yet, that I still can do better in life, academically, in the choices I make, in the person I am. God I need You more than ever. I said this on facebook just a short while ago, but I'll say it again.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. Even if your eyes are wet. Even if your heart is broken.

And the truth that I need to declare right now is this - The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thank you dear reader for reading this. I needed to let this out, and I'm sorry if it was a messy post, I'm sorry if it confused you or offended anyone. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how alone I may feel in this world, I never am. Thank you for taking time to read what may perhaps be a post too close to my heart for such disclosure.

I'm tired, so I'll stop here. Good night, and God bless.

disappointed

.. but then I remember Pastor Russell's tear-stained face as he announced Sean Bergin's passing, and what he said - "It's our job to believe, and God's job to do whatever He wants."

Teach me Lord to still trust in You I pray.

"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much."
- Luke 16:10

good stuff

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”
- T.E Lawrence

unspoken

i had this urge to blog today. but i don't have anything in particular to say, so i'm gonna let the words of others speak for me. :)

"Thank You for Your kindness
Thank You for Your mercy
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the price You paid

Thank You for salvation
Thank You for unending grace
Thank You for Your hope
Thank You for this life You gave

Thank You for Your promise
Thank You for Your favor
And thank You for Your love
And everything You've done for me"
- Thank You, by Hillsong

"Some folks has a lot of things around them that shines for other peoples. I think that maybe some of them was in tunnels. And in that tunnel, the only light they had, was inside of them. And then long after they escape that tunnel, they sitll be shining for everybody else. "
- Clareece 'Precious' Jones, in Precious

"Who could imagine a melody
True enough to tell of Your mercy?
Who could imagine a harmony
Sweet enough to tell of Your love?
I see the heavens proclaiming day after day,
And I know in my heart that there must be a way

To sing a greater song,
A greater song to You on the earth.
To sing a greater song,
A greater song to You on the earth.

Who could imagine a symphony,
Grand enough to tell of Your glory?
Our highest praise but a feeble breath
A whisper of Your thunderous worth.

I see the heavens proclaiming day after day,
And I know in my heart that there must be a way"
- A Greater Song, by Matt Redman

"Never let anything or anyone make you become someone you don't like."
- Anonymous

"The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you"
- Till I See You, by Hillsong United

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
- Matthew 5:16

"Refine me Lord through the flames"
- Desert Song, by Hillsong

"Don't give up on anything that you cannot go a day without thinking about."
- Signboard in QV


xx! :)

perspectives of home

As my sister's friend asked me "do you plan on going back home to work next time?", I hesitated. It was a short one but she noticed and all-knowingly said that if you had asked me that a few months ago my answer would be a certain yes. Thinking it through, my answer is still yes, I still do wanna go home and serve my fellow country people, where my services may just be more needed although perhaps less appreciated. And while that glimmer of uncertainty was due to a desire to work elsewhere still, it got me thinking - where is home for me now?

My sister always says that malaysia is home for us just cause our family's there. Somewhere sometime this year, australia became a new home for me, a sanctuary even, not yet adding into consideration family back home. By all means malaysia is still home for me in many ways, I look forward to going back to our house and spending more family time, meeting my friends and hhaving good food and great fellowship.

As we came back from new zealand this morning, I caught myself thinking, it's good to be home. And I realized the strange-ness of that thought. No candice, you're supposed to be passionately tied to malaysia. But I know why the shift, it's because, as foretold by my eldest sister then, this is the time where I'm really discovering who I am and who I want to be. And everything that contributed to that will always have a special place in my heart. I've said this a lot already, but truly, I grew as an individual this year more than ever. I started becoming more confident with who I am as a person, and trying to be more like God in the most painful of circumstances. I see the difference in me, the leap I have taken. I see the the beautiful people here that have worked together to mold me, and refine me.

So yea. To say that my feelings and thoughts of home have changed will probably be and understatement, but at the same time not entirely true either. All I know is that one day, when God calls me to leave here, it will probably be the hardest thing I ever had to do.

But send me Lord. Oh would You send me I pray.

And all the time as I was changing here, I forgot to remember that the people I love back homre are changing too. I think that for a moment there I was caught in a delusion that the world stopped for me,that everything at home existed simply to await my return. Silly girl. It's kinda surreal really, seeing the paths that my friend's lives are taking, seeing the world I no longer truly belong too but is not a stranger to either.

As I type this on my train ride back to the city, listening to 'till I see You' on my ipod, I know that this is one of the things I will most miss. My train rides with God, and my thoughts. My own sort of sanctuary, from the craziness of this world. Here my world is quiet, here, my world is at peace. Here I remember my purpose, my call, my destiny.

I am still really excited to go home, to see the faces I have missed dearly. But as I return to the same circumstances, the same environment, it'll be time to see if I have really changed or not. It'll be time for me to be tempted and tested, and prayerfully, a time of victory. I trust You Daddy, thank You for taking me on one unbelievable year. I'm believing for more Pops! :)

Just raw thoughts and emotions,
Candice