and i'm back here again..

.. at a place where i KNOW i cannot do this without God's help.

Lord, I need You, so much.

growth

i find it easier to trust God when He's calling me to do something i don't mind doing. but i think, all of us who's heard God call them feels the same way la, such a DUH! statement ahhaha. or when i don't mind either of the two options He wants me to pick between. what's difficult for me now is trusting Him with something i want more than i've ever wanted, an experience that i know will bring my passion for Him and for people to a whole new level, but.. what if it's not time for me yet? what if He says.. wait? i know God's got a better plan for me, He always does and that proves true when i look back over my life and see His hands molding my journey. and yea it did require faith along the way but i'm here. and i think i'm right where He wants me for now. with my dream.. i suppose we'll just have to see where God sends me. :)

many times, i resort to pulling myself down because i don't wanna have a big head, or assume that there's more in me than there really is. but God's been so faithful, sending person after person after people to continually believe in me and encourage me to go further and accept my annointing. which i find super duper amazing, that i could be viewed by God as worthy to be a part of this cause. :) and now, i'm really starting to believe that there is an annointing upon me, that God intends to use me for His greater purpose and that in obedience, i can accomplish so much for the kingdom of God. boy, am i excited for that! :D

God, please help me to study AMEN. :) Haihz. stress max man.

recently i felt really led to do something and it wasn't something i really felt comfortable doing but i knew in my heart God was nudging me to say something. so as i went through my internal battle, my heart began to beat really fast to the point of like.. eruption. ahahhaha weird description but yea, in the end i knew i had to do what God wanted me to do. and it was quite cool, not as bad as i thought and afterwards i had that shaking sensation again like in conference this year. which was.. strange but interesting. felt like it was leftovers of the Holy Spirit's presence working in me. didn't last that long this time though, which i didn't really mind, cause i was just really glad that i can go home and be happy that i was obedient and i'm sure somewhere, it bore fruit, even if it was a tiny one. :P

"The joy of the Lord is my strength" :) lately there's been a few more issues i've been struggling with, but then i stop and remember this verse. and i think, it's okay, i know that i've done pretty much right by God and like jon said, be personal but don't take it personally. and i remember, that my mission in life is to care for others and to love them like Christ loves me, but if it doesn't bring forth the results i would have wanted, it's okay, because i sowed the seeds and God will one day reap it. :)

i'm feeling pretty good today after all! :D :D thanks God. :)

AFTER CHURCH:

I just wanted to share some of the things i learnt in church today and of how God moved in me and brought me peace! something worth sharing about indeed! :P

so yea, as we entered a time of worship today, i was feeling rather emotional la and as i started to tear while we were singing i was thinking "God why am i crying la, aiya why i so silly la, what's this!!! Umm maybe it's cause i'm scared of yada yada and struggling with this and that..." and i felt Him say to me, "You don't have to justify your tears with Me." stunned, i thought, how AWESOME is it that i can approach the throne of heaven in all its holiness with tears, with a desperate heart's plea, with one cry resounding "DADDY", and the God of the universe immediately comes to my rescue? God is so good.

and that's not even it! while i was just talking to Him, whining about how hard it is to do everything right, and of how much i desired to just be perfect that i may please Him, to do my devotions daily and to obey every calling, to know His voice so clearly, to not make any mistakes etc. i really wish i didn't have to deal with my imperfections. and God said to me, "I am pleased with your struggling, cause it means you haven't given up although it's difficult." like WHOA. i can't even describe how that encounter made me feel, just so.. safe. :)

i just know now that something is brewing in my life, that God is molding me to be more, MORE than i have ever been or could have ever dreamed of. I am so terrified of what is come, but nothing beats the inner joy and peace of surrendering it all to my Lord and Saviour. :)

"Don't pull back on God when you're under pressure!"

"It is my job to love God more. If i am still at this level of faith next year, it means i've backslidden."

"When you're going through absolute HELL but you still find the faith to pull through and the courage to encourage others, that's when the world sees the best in you."

"Even when everything was going wrong in Jesus life, He chose to bend down and wash the feet of His disciples. Even at His worst, He chose to give His best."

i absolutely love that my God does not ask me to do anything He hasn't done before, not even regarding humility and serving others. <3 <3

love BANYAKERSSS,
candice :)

because i've been learning alot

i've learnt that my walk in life is my own, and that i need not compare it with others. i may not get the grades i want, be who people expect me to be or do everything right, but what matters is i follow God's heart for my life. and as long as i know i am in line with what He wants for me, even if everything else comes crumbling down, i will have succeeded for that moment in time. :)

I've learnt that there is so much joy in serving, even in preparing to serve there's already so much joy! hmm, i might change my mind when things start to overwhelm, which is why i've written this down here, to remind me that serving is an honour and a joy. :)

i've learnt that God is always thinking about me, and longing to talk to me. and He deserves so much more time than what i give Him right now.

i've learnt that the best ministry i can ever be a part of is my life. And that to serve most effectively is to have my life become my ministry, to uphold the name of my Creator in everything i do, in how i treat people, in remaining upright in challenging situations. :)

i've learnt how important it is to say "Show me, teach me how" in the face of correction. and not to be bitter about it. a true disciple loves correction! :)

i've learnt that some people are with me on borrowed time, and after being such a blessing to me, God will eventually carry out His greater will over their lives and send them out. In the meantime, having caught that annointing and blessing, i can go and spread what i have caught to other people. :)

i've learnt that God is ultimately in control. and that He knows the desires of my heart. He'll make a way for it all to happen, according to His will. :) I surrender all to You O Lord.

i've learnt that there are REALLY AMAZING people around me in my life now, all playing a role in upholding me and growing me. <3 <3 <3

and.. i've learnt that God's got way bigger dreams for me than i've ever had for myself.

thank You Daddy God! :)

with peaceful joy once more,
candice :)

just a little bit more

ooh so much to say but it's all fujumblied. i guess my story this time around started last thursday night, as i was up to do an assignment at 3 am. and just with a lot of stuff that was happening that day, i was feeling really discouraged, like i really just needed encouragement, any little scrap of it to show me i'm loved and appreciated and going the right direction. and i suppose it was in that moment (and other similar ones) of raw vulnerability that the enemy speaks lies into my mind, and have me believe them. lies like i wasn't good enough, God won't forgive me if i mess up one more time, He's gonna take back the future He revealed to my leaders about me, i was never gonna be really loved etc. i know, sob story drama in my head but anyways yea, spiritual attacks like these, they do happen. and i think the first step that's most important in fighting them is actually recognizing that it is one, and not the truth. and now i know and believe, that the only reason the devil is attacking me is because he knows i can be great for God's kingdom in Christ and he's afraid.

That night, i went through old notes and letters, memories from my past. And there were two particular letters (from friends) that brought me to the point of tears. see i couldn't believe it, that people would have so much faith in me, unwaveringly believing that i will have a big future ahead of me, that i will one day do great things for God and His people. i couldn't see that potential in myself and reading those two letters that spoke such honest words of encouragement, i realized i was tricked. tricked into thinking people didn't care or didn't see anything good enough in me. i realized i was loved enormously as well. and i immediately thanked God, for giving me the love of others to fall back on when i feel weak and can't go on anymore. one other letter struck me too, one i wrote two years ago to myself. and it was so strange, hearing this.. kid encourage me. she's saying stuff like, yea i'm gonna sit for spm soon, don't give up on your dreams etc. and i'm like whoa, she believes in me.. how come i can't?

but yea anyways, the next day, i participated in my sister's urban life, and sure enough, with God's hand upon it all, the topic was 'Battlefield of the Mind'. We spoke about the devil our deceiver and how he's trying to break us by just planting that one thought in our heads (so inception! :P) and watch us self-destruct. it was an awesome time i had that night with such a timely word, which we ended with prayer, declaring God's power over all that, and then worship. awesome stuff man. so yea, that's that.. :P chains were truly broken that night Amen! :)

and this weekend i also learnt more about humility. and that i will ALWAYS have something to learn from someone older than me, people who are more experienced than i am. and regardless of how disagreeable and unappealing their characters may be sometimes, there's always something to be learnt, and at the end of it, someone else to pray for. which was a pretty good lesson after all that is gonna be tough to practice but.. very rewarding i'm sure. :)

oh and urbs last wed was freakinnn AWESOME. we did an open hat session where we all got to ask burning questions we never dared ask and thankfully, we had jon to answer all the really difficult ones. i learnt SO MUCH that night and am still so grateful for this second family i have here to lean back on in the good and bad. :)

medball was on saturday! :) it was pretty fun, my two fairy godmothers (che and alicia) did an amazing job with me apparently! hahaha, it was kinda nice to be all pretty and all for a night, but i realized that i never want to be just that. and i thought to myself today, what do you want people to see when they look at you? and the first answer that came to my mind was the love of God. still it's easy for me to say thing like that, things like looks isn't everything when i don't look half-bad, and that my spiritual gift is voluntary poverty when i've never really experienced poverty. i've never really given more to and for God than i could somehow afford, and yea.. it's a scary thing to pray for God to challenge me and grow me on all that though, cause though i don't like admitting it, these things give me some sense of security. but in order to grow, and mature, and show the world that God is truly all i need, i pray Lord that You will do what You will in my life. As freakily scary this prayer is Lord, i pray that people see more when they look at me, i pray that they see You, holding me together. You, carrying me. You, loving others through me. You, with overflowing favour and testimonies in my life. let them see You o God. Let me decrease while you increase. and let my life be my ministry Lord i pray. :) so yea you know, the night's over and i am who i am as always once again, the little Christian girl who loves her God heaps, who tells unfunny jokes and gets high on bubblegum ice cream. THAT's the real me. :) and it's people that see me as that girl and accepts me just that way that i believe, truly cherishes me as a friend. :P

church was pretty good today too! :) i learnt a lot of pretty good stuff from fast track, and i'm starting to feel my confidence come back, bit by bit, by various unconscious encouragements said over me this weekend. still i don't think i'm ready to do any big ministry involving leading others yet, but as scott said, we need to not feel adequate enough that we will rely fully on God and not our ownselves. so God, lead the way! :) i'll follow. :)

so yea, with everything going on in my life now, i can say it's be busy, at times hard, at times painful but so far, it's been just day after day of experiencing God in different ways and feeling His love surround me. He's been SO GOOD to me and i just feel so so blessed. i love how He can be so real sometimes, when i really enter in and seek His presence. today i could really feel Him holding my hand and whispering soft encouragements to me, things i really needed to hear.

and the kind of God who does that, who makes the earth turn and the sun rise every day but still bothers to calm me in the middle of my storm, that's the kind of God worth devoting my all, my everything to. I love You so much Lord. :) thank You, for everything.

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God my Saviour
has ransomed me
and like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
- Amazing grace (bridge) by Chris Tomlin

He loves you too,
candice :)

we are oh so forgetful

today as i was sitting in a lecture, (and listening ATTENTIVELY :D ), when i suddenly thought of breadcrumbs and hansel and gretel. the only thing i remember about that story is about two kids and a trail of breadcrumbs and how they couldn't find their way back home but they succeeded once somehow.

so i turned to luth who was sitting next to me and asked her to tell me the story. and she went uhhh... they left a trail of breadcrumbs but birds ate them up so they got lost, and something about a witch and a gingerbread house. or something along those lines. by then lecture was about over, so we began to go no la, not like that! and did they succeed once? got gingerbread house with a lot of candy?

finally we turned around after lecture and asked eugene. all he said was.. huh, they all died in the end la! =.= what a fantastic storyteller he is indeed!!

i even asked james who pretty much said the same thing luth and i said and added something like how would i know la!!

hahaah and it didn't even end there man. shanan, best of all, indulged us with what he thought was the real story of hansel and gretel. Ohhh they went to the forest and left breadcrumbs so they can find their way back home. but hansel kept eating all the breadcrumbs, so they couldn't find the trail and got lost. so the witch ate them.

man, how we burst out laughing retelling that story! :P ahahha one of the random things that made my day funnier. not to mention the bird incident, which was another round of laughter, of which the bringer of hilarity would like to remain unmentioned. LOL.

anyways, if you're wondering what the real story is, read it here! :) http://ivyjoy.com/fables/hansel.html

okay rest a bit then assignments here i come! :)

wayy exhausted but satisfied with a day of hard work,
candice :)

so recently i've learnt..

that it's okay to need other people. i've actually started to pick up the phone and text someone when i'm not feeling too good, when i need advice and assurance. and though a lot of times i wish i was superwoman, wish that i didn't ever have to need anyone, that i can be strong tower people can just come and rely on, i learnt that i will always have things to learn from other people. and it's about biting back my pride and just admitting that i need your help. well, your.. being whoever i turn to in the end. :P

that the answer to my prayers can only be achieved with waiting. Waiting and praying. and obedience too, when the time is right. it's difficult as anything, but i learnt that so much growth happens while we are waiting. :)

that when water (ESPECIALLY MUDDY WATER) gets into your boots cause there's a hole, and doesn't dry up, they really stink up the whole shoe. like really.

that my nasi rojak tastes pretty awesome.

that the enemy is always attacking me, and i need to build up my prayer life to fight him back. i need God to fight my battles for me.

that faith.. is all about letting go and letting God. in giving Him things i want to hold on to so badly and watching it grow to become more than i can even imagine in time.

that Clexane prevents blood from clotting without affecting bleeding.

and more that i can't really think of now.

byebye xoxo,
candice :)

thank You God

I recently started a 40 day fast and prayer, but in all honesty, i've been struggling with the prayer bit. it seems so difficult to just sit down and commit time to God again. anyways, i started doing this cause i really just wanted that intimacy with God again, to stop feeling so disconnected like i've been since i started my holidays. sighs. still, in this first week, God's been opening up my eyes to having so many things to be thankful for. :) and i just wanted to share some of them with you guys (in no particular order! :P). :D

thank You Lord, for your amazing, beautiful women of God that make carrotballs and cheesy wedges and weird ginger ice cream.<3


thank You Lord, for the unplanned late late night heart to heart talk. :)

thank You Lord, for the rain, the hail, the loss of direction in the middle of a jungle in a mountain, and the fellowship and closeness it brought us. :)




thank You Lord, for the success of lab305's launch and for the incredible journey You've brought my sister and her friends on. :)

thank You Lord, for taking care of the people i am unable to care for, and for providing for them and never forsaking them, in ways i cannot.

thank You Lord, for really nice, friendly and encouraging bus drivers.

thank You Lord, for sending friends to teach me to ride a bicycle and make sure i do so safely. :P

thank You Lord, for favor amongst Your lovely people.

thank You Lord, for helping me survive through med school.

thank Your Lord for the the message today, reminding me You will never forsake me through this new challenge to draw closer to You.

thank You Lord, for the beautiful, beautiful people You have put in my life right now, right here. i know you're up to something with my life, and i trust You. yea.. i trust You Pops. :)

thank You Lord, for love. :) for Your unending love to me, for the love You have given the people around me towards me, and for the love You have given me for others.

thank You Lord, for the overflowing grace You've given me over and over again, though You could have given up on me long ago.

thank You God, for being You, nothing I deserve and everything that's more than I could have ever hoped for and imagined. :) i love You God, and i am excited to see what's gonna happen in the upcoming weeks! :)

realizing we all have much to be thankful for,
candice :D