to soar on the wings of eagles

“Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more. In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless slave into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’”
- Matthew 25:13-30

story of my life, as i realized today. i never understood this parable, i always thought, isn't safekeeping good isn't of gambling it away, like a double or nothing sorta thing? cause i equated talents to money. but today, receiving my results, i realized that God has given me this talent of understanding things easily, that even when i don't really try, i can still make it through okay. it's just something i can do, strangely, thanks to God really. and today i thought, what have i done to improve this gift that God has given me? answer: nothing, just slacked like crazy and relied on my talent to be lazy. sigh, i now know, that i must multiply it, i must work harder to make God proud, to make me proud. just an interesting nugget of thought from my mind.

even if you lose faith in yourself, don't lose faith in God.


good stuff! :D

Love is on the move by Leeland
On the corner of his street
The homeless man needs to eat
On the edge of town

Lost his family long ago
Nobody even knows
They all just pass him by

[chorus]
But love is on the move
Revealing heaven's truth!
Love is on it's way and it will find him

In a high rise building
The rich man has everything
But the letter has reached it's end

Hasn't talked to his kids on weeks
He and his wife don't even speak
Nobody even knows

[chorus]
But love is on the move
Revealing heaven's truth
Love is on it's way and it will find him

Anyone can run
Into the arms of god
Love is on it's way and it will find you

And all the world cries for healing
The deepest loving for the love of god
And oh! the greatest mystery
Love has come to save us

And in the little quiet town
The hope of the world was found
Under the night sky

He died and rose again
The sacrifice that conquered sin
And we are his feet his hands

[chorus]
Love is on the move
Revealing heavens truth
Love is on it's way and it will find you

And anyone can run
Into the arms of god
Love is on it's way and it will find you

Oh anyone can run
Into the arms of god
Love is on it's way and it will find you

and this is the other song that's been stuck in my head lately.. :D



because these are friends that last forever. :)

note to self: apple-mint bubble tea is GROSS. never try it again.

learning to breathe,
candice :D

full

there have been way too many things on my mind lately.

real?

hahaha where to start?

well, i had a really great weekend. :) from running over kl, missing train ticket, wrong stops, new hulk episode, long chats, good food and above all good company! :) once again i'm reminded of how much good things i have in my life, and i am truly grateful for em all. life is good. :)


i'm never gonna forget these crazy people. <3

quotes that made my week(end)
Uncle: (talks about some doctor syndicate on money)
Daddy: that's for doctors who want to make money only. (points to me) this doctor's not gonna make any money, she just wants to help people wan.
Me: *heart melts* :)

Sean: I don't do high fives.

Adrian: Temperature increasing hormone!!

Elena: UHHHHHHHHHH!(the hulk arises)

*abstract thoughts ahead*
hmm, other than that, we talked about pride in yc today! and i've never really seen myself as a proud person, so i figured the lesson probably had nothing to do with me. but today i learnt that i too, was guilty of pride. there was something in the notes today about being friends with people, something like do we not accept some people as our friends? that would be cause we're proud, thinking we're better than others. and i thought to myself, how many time have i assumed myself better than some? i mean, if i'm really really honest about it. like, i have distanced myself from some really mean-ish, not-nice people before, and i realized today how wrong it is. there should be no one too bad or too good to be our friend. i think i realized too today how important simply 'being a friend' is. as a friend, we have the opportunity to make a difference in someone's lives, to help them through their darkest hour, to watch them grow and to empower them to do the same for others. and even the worst of the worst needs friends. perhaps you are the one, who can help them find their way. everyone deserves a second chance.

i believe that it is our call, to befriend the lonely, the cruel, the bully, the whoeverelse, and remember that you make a difference in each of their lives just by being you, with them. pris told us once when i think we were talking bout friends with bad stuff going on in their lives that we don't have to approve it, though let them know we don't approve, but still be their friend. good good stuff.

a very fine line divides laziness from out of strength.

don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.
- A Cinderella Story

with my love,
candice

invisble wings

i feel like, there's a lot of people around me who are truly amazing. when i stop believing in myself, they are there to remind me that they believe in me, that they love me, and that they're there to catch me if ever i fall. i've never felt so blessed, and loved.

these people soar.. on invisible wings. :)

inner peace

Dear God,

Thank You for this year, for how much i've had. it's been an incredible year. i thank You for the new friends, new experiences, countless joys, and ocassional troubles that keep me humble. i thank You Lord that it had been a year that has demanded me to trust in You, for You were, and still are, the only strength i have left. thank You for the beautiful people You have placed in my life, to teach me wonderful new things and to help me grow, and also to lend a shoulder when i needed it. i pray now Lord that as i approach the last stretch of this year, the last lap, that you will help me to do the one thing that will get me through it, and that is to keep trusting in You. it's been so easy for me to say those words, to myself and to others, but so difficult to truly believe, to experience the freedom that comes with surrender. but Lord i know now that all i want, is to finish this race with You. i don't care anymore which place i come in, i know You'll take care of that and put me where You desire, but Lord my prayer is this, teach me to let You lead, to let You be my strength, my everything. and i pray Lord that Your will be done in my life, whatever it may be. i thank You that above all, i have You in my life, to be a light through my darkest seasons, that You are a God who is always there. today i mean it when i say that You're the best. :) i love you Daddy King,

love,
your daughter. :)

"I have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith."
- 2 Timothy 4:7

*circular repetitive talking ahead*
i really miss sabrina, i started thinking about her yesterday. she was so happy to receive the book i got her, and i'll always remember that child-like joy that was so sincere. i miss waking up early to go to college to go to tengku budriah.

i realized that i have had so many incredible opportunities this year, that for me it's been one of the best years ever, if not THE best. i've been complaining so much lately that i've grown so sick of my life being all about me, my worries, my stress, my insecurities, my inability to surrender fully to God. i miss being busy, so surrounded by people all the time that i forget my troubles. i'm totally talking in circles now i know. :P

i keep wondering if my life can be used for more, especially now. it seems like i'm waiting to be who and where God wants me to be to impact lives, but until then i'm just doing odd little things that i can. but they aren't enough, i want to do so much more. listening to the speaker today, i know i am capable of more, and especially during my upcoming holidays after my finals, i want to get involved in greater things. maybe even visit the prison to bless people, or volunteer somewhere. i want to spend whatever time i have on others, for that would be the best thing i can give them. i just don't want to die one day realizing the only person i ever lived for, was myself.

this has been an incredible source of comfort to me.
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
- Matthew 11:28-30 MSG version

i'm keeping my eyes WIDE OPEN to what i can do now! :)

lately i realized how truly difficult the days that are to come in my life will be, far more challenging than what i'm going through now. there are days when i am crippled by the worry of whether or not i can be a good doctor. are my hands steady enough to hold a scalpel? am i hardworking enough to last through med school? am i emotionally stable enough? do i still get affected by really traumatic emergency accidents and stuff? can i survive doing medicine? and an honest answer to most of those questions are no, from my opinion. above all, i don't know if i am strong enough to become a doctor, to survive the life i believe God has called me to. but that's just it, the will of God will not lead me where the grace of God will not keep me. so i know, that from now until the day i see Jesus face to face, i will trust in God to bring me to greater heights than i ever imagined. that i will trust Him to make something of me that is useful to His kingdom, that through me, He can do greater things in this nation. and though i may sway sometimes, i will not let my fears bog me down, nor will i be dragged down in discouragement. God has brought me thus far, and i know He will lead me, all the way.


this song has incredible meaning, take some time off to listen, and be inspired. :)

Are my praises too loud, that they drown out the cries?

discovering my purpose,
candice

in the eye of the storm

"Now i know that the Lord saves His annointed, He will answer him from His holy heaven, with the saving strength of His right hand."

- Psalms 20:6

stressemough

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

totally what i am praying for now. sigh, i hope i can handle the next two months. on more than one occassion lately i have broken down or got very close to it because of the stress. yesterday night as i was studying, i kept worrying about getting our math test papers back. i knew i had done horribly, and i was so, so afraid to get it back. my prayer was simply to get a 66 which is a borderline low b, which i doubted i could even acheive. probably in addition to the effect of the coffee i had that night, i was still a bit shaky this morning. but when i got my results, i felt so emotional, on the verge of tears even. i had gotten a 79, while it was 2 marks away from an A, it was still FAR FAR better than i expected.and immediately the first thing i thought of was, why did i doubt God? and though i felt like i didn't deserve these marks at all, i was so thankful for them. still, it felt like such a slap, a gentle(gentle slap?:P) reminder from God yet again that He is with me always and that He will pull me through. and so many times already i have heard His reassuring voice, but i simply cannot.. let go. worrying has become second nature to me and i really do feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Lord, please teach me to fully surrender to You, believing that You are with me every step of the way, even when i feel weak, ESPECIALLY when i feel i cannot go on anymore, especially, now.

hearing this song last sunday completely 'broke' me in a sense, i'd been holding on by my own strength for so long, trying to make it, but in my most vulnerable moments, i am reminded that God will never let me go, through it all. :)

Through it all by Hillsong
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You

And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

:) the people around me are probably getting used to/utterly sick of my whining, complains of how stressed and afraid i am of losing my mind. but i realized today, that Jesus will protect me, that even as i am so sure i'm gonna hit rock bottom, He will catch me, right on time. i am safe, in the arms of my Heavenly Father. so to you who are reading this now, have heart, remember that God is always there for you too, and that He is and always will be, a God of miracles. :)

taking it one breath at a time,
candice

the goodness in the hearts of men

"Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for."
- Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers

good stuff huh! :)

sometimes it gets really easy to be discouraged by the things that happen, by the people around you. and when they start to disappoint, one by one, it makes me wonder if there is any good in people, enough to fight for? then a few nights back, as i was in the car with my sister and she was driving, we couldn't move in this tight area and there was some wooden structure outside the huge dump area that was blocking the way. and this man walking with his family actually turned back to move the thing for us so my sister could move. i mean, i know it wasn't a lot actually, but i was really touched by his action. it's so easy to walk away and turn a blind eye to the things happening around us, especially when the person involved is a stranger. but this guy just did that little much he could, and that made all the difference. :) imagine if we all, just did what we could when the situation presented us with an opportunity. haha anyways, i was largely affected by it for some reason, and it made me remember that people can be really good and kind and well.. cool. :) haha that's enough reason to make my day a good day. :)

dinner calls! byebye dear reader! :)

doing the right thing

i just watched the dark knight for the dunno-how-many-eth-time with my parents tonight. and i love, absolutely love the climax of it, where neither boat decided to blow the other up.
"This proves that this city is full of people, ready to believe in good."
man, i love the batman series, there are so many uh 'persoalan's of good and bad, of what's right and wrong, thoughts about justice and courage. stuff for me to bite on, and reconsider. :) i love it!

but more than leftover thoughts from a superb movie, the thought in my head that has been stuck for so long is, what is the right thing to do? i suddenly remember my newcastle interview, where the interviewer asked me if there was a medicine of 50/50 chance to save my dying child, will i take it? and i said yes, mostly cause i had no idea what to say. but the thing is, i recently learnt, not everything in life can be objectified, packaged into a neat question with the proper answer. and i'll be honest, i don't know what the answer is, to the questions on my mind or those on the minds of those dear to me. and i am uncomfortable, i would say, in realizing that there is more gray in my world than black and white now. neither path is the obvious right one, so where do we go?

and yes, while these thoughts cloud my head, i think what scares me more is maybe realizing my purpose after all, and feeling that i am not strong enough to go through with it. i think that maybe for too long, i have put my faith in mere words and not the ever-living God. because, as i realized, faith is.. scary. it's difficult, and for what feels like the first time, i'm feeling the full weight of how truly difficult it is to have faith. to stop worrying. to really, really.. surrender. i've always sort of imagining God, building our faith like building a wall. first He builds something small, then He breaks it down. then He builds something bigger, and tears it down again. it's a rather odd analogy i suppose, but i often feel that way, that for my faith to grow even bigger, i must let God tear down the secure shell i have placed Him in. that as i have trusted Him to get me to the highest floor, i must reconsider everything, to find the faith i need to let Him take me to the rooftop. and then to the skies. and this year i have had a breakthrough i will say, where i feel like i've grown so much, partly due to spitting all my thoughts here really, but yea, i've grown. and a smug, stupid part of me thought my relationship with God was 'good enough' already, for it was better than ever. and i grew complacent and comfortable. and i feel God challenging me once again, like He did before my breakthrough, saying that He wants to bring me to even greater heights with Him. that somehow, all this must happen first. it's complicated to me too la, but i guess in some ways, rather cool too. cause He cares enough to have everything planned for my life.

today i felt God say that He has enabled me to believe in the good of others, well to be honest, i think it was Him and not me, but o ye of little faith, why did you doubt right? i don't know, but either ways, isn't that what we are all called to do? to keep believing that God exists in every person and hence good must too. but with great power comes great responsibility. and i am suddenly burdened by the question of, how do i change MY world?

i'm sorry, this is a really choppy, confusing, probably whiny to some extent too, post. i have all these thoughts in my head that i cannot express properly, and to who also i don't know, so i picked here, to anyone and everyone who would listen. :)

these are the verses that i felt i really needed to share right now.

"But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who spitefully love you. To him who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other also. And from him who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who takes away your goods, do not ask for them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those who hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? For even sinners lend to sinners to receive as much back. But love your enemies, do good and lend, hoping for nothing in return and your reward will be great and you will be sons of the Highest. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil. Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful."
- Luke 6:27-36

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Good people last - they can't be moved, the wicked are here today, gone tomorrow.

Mean-spirited slander is heartless; quiet discretion accompanies good sense.

The desires of good people lead straight to the best, but wicked ambition ends in angry frustration.

The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed, those who help others are helped.

Worry weighs us down, a cheerful word picks us up.

A refusal to correct is a refusal to love, love your children by disciplining them.

Hard work always pays off, mere talk puts no bread on the table.

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue rekindles a temper-fire.

God can't stand pious poses, but He delights in genuine prayers."- excerpts from Proverbs 10-15 MSG version

i really liked this too somehow. :)
"You're blessed when the tears flow freely. Joy comes with the morning."
-Luke 6:21 MSG version

like i said i just feel more lost lately, more uncertain as to why i am where i am. Life isn't easy at all huh? Hmm, but that's what makes it all the more beautiful. :)


today i'm just..
candice :)

distortion

and suddenly..

i don't know who i am or who i'm supposed to be.

i don't know what my purpose is or why i am even here.

i don't know where i should go, or if i should go at all.

i don't know how to make others feel better.

i don't know where the line between right and wrong is.

i look down, and feel so.. lost. i feel a huge uncertainty about everything and yet a part of me remains sure in the gentle hands of God that will guide the way. uncertain, but sure. perhaps it is in the darkness that we find our light, a light that would not have shone so greatly in the midst of brighter things.

finding my light,
candice

stroll down memory lane

today as i was grumbling (yet again) while finding the stickers you stick at the edge of the page (which i didn't find, hence the grumbling), i came across my box of memories(cheesy name, but it fits fine). and it was such a strange, heartwarming, nostalgic feeling reading all the old notes my friends gave me, seeing passes and nametags to events, reflecting on old photos and remembering the meaning behind the miscellaneous other items in that box. and i felt even sadder, that my relationship with most of the inspiring, encouraging, amazing people in my past has already been packaged together nicely into that small box. i hardly, if not don't, have any primary school friends left. well i suppose goo counts. so i hardly have any primary friends left, and worse still, i barely speak to even the closest of my friends from secondary school already. i think this is one of my many bad qualities, that i prefer to live in the moment, and i enjoy being with the friends i have now. and thus, i have lost touch with people that i used to love so much. as i wallowed in my mix of emotions then, i remembered what i wrote in my 24th September letter, that if i am no longer close to my old buddies, to pick up the phone and change things. and so i did just that, putting aside whatever akwardness that might have built up or insecurities that may have come, but just remembered the beautiful moments from my past and with the best hopes, i picked up the phone. :)

this has been a huge worry of mine lately. i mean this year, i have made really incredible friends who have been a total blessing to me, and i am so afraid that my past failures in relationships will precede my future failures. what if i do leave next year and end up losing contact with all the people i so deeply treasure? suddenly i am more skeptical when we talk about things like weddings and graduations, what if the same things that happened then happens again? what if everything we have said simply becomes empty promises? sigh.

but then again i remembered that it's never too late to be who you wanted to be. it's never too late to change, or to make things right again. and so what i have, is a new chance to try again. that when the time comes for me to work at maintaining these relationships, i will be wiser, more determined, more perseverant(is this a word?). and i will ensure that i don't make the same mistakes twice. :)

today i remembered to do what i can now. to always, do what i can in the 'right now'. :) words of wisdom from my sister, change, it begins with me. :)

and, the worry i keep talking about? it isn't completely gone yet. but i am increasingly humbled in knowing that i am small, and God is big. in realizing i have to let go of the reins because there is nothing i can do anymore, but to let God. :)


love,
candice