open your eyes and see that life is beautiful

this morning i saw a herd of cows on the way to college! it was a pretty big herd, and they were so cute la. but in the four months i've been going to college, i've never noticed the cows! and *deeper lessons coming in* i realized, we miss out on a lot when we don't really look. you get me? like really, life can be amazing, maybe if it's not for you, then you're just not looking hard enough.

I FINISHED MY BIO HAE DRAFT! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU GOD! thank You that practice was cancelled, then i could finish it! you really rock God! =)999 words, phew!

haha, so i've got a pretty mushy thing to say here...
to grace che(cause i was looking at the serai fish and i remembered how once when i had sore throat, you fed me the fish cause i loved it, and mixed the sauce with the veggie sauce so it wouldn't be so painful on my throat), who held my hair when i vomitted last time,
to bea che who gave me the yellow jacket she loved,
to mummy who made me leong cha when i kept complaining hot,
to daddy who says "don't do funny things like sleeping on the sofa la! go sleep on your bed" LOL,
to people who read my blog,
to friends who make me smile each day and scold/laugh at me for talking bout a herd of cows,
*AHHHHHHH!!! FREAKY FLY ON MY TABLE!!!!!! GAHHHHHH!!!!! OH SPLOOSH, i dunno where it is now.. *
to awesomes who listen to me rant about nonsense,
to friends who encourage me consciously,
to pals who speak encouraging things into my life unknowingly,
to classmates who put up with my noise,
and to everyone else who makes my life beautiful,
thank you! =)
PS: one hug claimable one hour after this is posted up. please do not claim early and waste your hug. =D

so yea, if you ever think that your life is meaningless but if you ever remember me laughing at you or smiling near you, it's cause you make me happy! and i like to say that if no matter how hard you try and still you only impact one person, it is worth it. so in you whole life, and you can only remember my silly face being nonsensical again, then you already made a difference in my life and for that you rock to me. =)

but yea, i definitely worry about my purpose a lot. there's so much i want in life, so much i want to be and so much i want to do, and i think sometimes i run after the things i gotta be patient for too much. and that's bad la. i gotta learn to be more like Ms.Doh, take life one day at a time and be content with who i am and with my life.

oh and also to open my eyes wide and see that life is beautiful. partly because you can see a herd of cows eating grass near the river near the toll in the morning. =)i'll take a picture next time.


i'm still here,
candice. =)

=D

anna, ivan, wen shi, priscilla, michelle, elena, gene, calvin, lilian, dianne, vivian, yng yng, xin yi, pearly, kathleen....

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

i love you all to bits and pieces! =)

an angel story by max lucado

as heard from rose today! =) (http://www.maxlucado.com/pdf/angel.story.short.pdf)

"The King walked over and reached for the book. He turned it toward Lucifer
and commanded, “Come, Deceiver, read the name of the One who will call
your bluff. Read the name of the One who will storm your gates.” Satan rose
slowly off his haunches. Like a wary wolf, he walked a wide circle toward the
desk until he stood before the volume and read the word:

“Immanuel?” he muttered to himself, then spoke in a tone of disbelief. “God
with us?” For the first time the hooded head turned squarely toward the face of
the Father. “No. Not even You would do that. Not even You would go so far.”

“You’ve never believed me, Satan.”

“But Immanuel? The plan is bizarre! You don’t know what it’s like on Earth!
You don’t know how dark I’ve made it. It’s putrid. It’s evil. It’s…”

“IT IS MINE,” proclaimed the King. “AND I WILL RECLAIM WHAT IS MINE. I
WILL BECOME FLESH. I WILL FEEL WHAT MY CREATURES FEEL. I WILL SEE
WHAT THEY SEE.”

“But what of their sin?”

“I will bring mercy.”

“What of their death?”

“I will give life.”

Satan stood speechless.

God spoke, “I love my children. Love does not take away the beloved’s
freedom. But love takes away fear. And Immanuel will leave behind a tribe of
fearless children. They will not fear you or your hell.”

Satan stepped back at the thought. His retort was childish. “Th-th-they will
too!”

“I will take away all sin. I will take away death. Without sin and without death,
you have no power.”

Around and around in a circle Satan paced, clenching and unclenching his wiry
fingers. When he finally stopped, he asked a question that even I was thinking.
“Why? Why would You do this?”

The Father’s voice was deep and soft. “Because I love them.”"

truly, there is none like You Lord.

with love,
candice.

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

what do you do when there is so much you have to say but no words to say it?
i feel like there's so much i gotta pour out but i can't make my thoughts make sense anymore.
i'm just a big mess right now la.
GAH.

but i will believe, that strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

my emotions junkyard

lately i've been in my own world a lot, always drifting off in my own thoughts. learning a lot of personal lessons along the way too but i very 'luen' la now.

well basically this morning i woke up pretty tired with lots of stuff to do today and i thought, why not just call sam and ask if i can skip MADU today? cause the last time i went i was so sleepy and to be honest i felt like i had lost my touch with kids. and it was just so tiring too.
but then i thought, no i made this commitment, i promised to go, i must go. and i prayed for strength to last the day and love for the children at tengku budriah. and wonders of wonders, today went really well! i was more candice again and a few kids hugged me before they left and now i'm really looking forward to the next time i go. and during the debriefing session mrs sharon and mr.andy (i think), said some pretty encouraging stuff that made me realize like, yea, i did make this commitment, and it's gonna be rewarding. i just gotta stop complaining so much. and as we walked out, i realized, eh i had the energy to laugh and play with the kids the whole time today! and i said thank you God. cause i knew, i really knew that it was His strength i was using, not my own. i mean i just came back from there then imu then cg and i'm still not worn out yet. and for so long i've asked God, what does it mean to rely on Your strength? cause ppl always say, "you're doing this on your own strength. you need to rely on God's strength." and it's become something i say a lot too, without ever really getting what it meant. but now i think, that it means just asking God for help bit by bit, like just pray to get through today. stop asking for permanent strength kinda thing? you get me? live life step by step.

and i was just amazed by God la, cause i haven't been really connecting with Him lately and no matter what i know, i always feel like how he blesses me is directly proportional to how much devotional time i spend with Him and stuff. but that isn't necessarily true, cause no matter how far i am from Him or how naughty i'm being, i am and always will be His beloved daughter. thank You Lord!

but alongside the good stuff, i've been realizing bad stuff bout me too. like i realized i joined so many things wanting to be a part of everything and now it's so difficult to cope. like rose said for agc, it's better to get one thing right then do ten things and fail them all. and i've been trying to do 'ten things', like cg, agc, musical, MADU and whatever else la. and i can't commit to the people in each, i mean i feel like i'm not doing much for my cg members or committing fully to agc, finishing agc homework requires so much effort like that.. basically i feel like i'm failing in everything i do. and i can't stop feeling that way. i guess friday's cf also got me thinking. i think i do all these to try and find my purpose in God and honestly, i have never felt so lost in my life. sigh. i need God so much right now, to show me the way and to tell me what to do.

also i've been thinking about how life moves on. i mean i used to be a runner, a dancer, a secondary school student, a debater, a class monitor and i'm not really any of those anymore. and i see my friends all growing up around me too, some are passing driving tests, some are driving me to parade(lol), some people i know are getting married too, some are leaving college and everyone's just moving on with life. and even if i'm not ready to grow up, i have to. life ain't gonna wait for me. and i just feel that time's moving so fast. eventually i'll find myself in uni or becoming a doctor or getting married or even growing old and that is so so terrifying. life's like a test i'm afraid to fail. and it's scary that i don't know the answers. from who i used to be to who i am now, i'm a college student and i can't think of anything else now (=P). but some things will always remain the same, i am God's daughter and i am loved by Him. =)
still, for every moment i spend in my own world, life goes on. people will leave, people will break your heart, new people will enter your life. and what troubles me is what is my purpose in this life then? to just watch the people that come and go? to just feel what i'm supposed to feel when i'm supposed to feel it and do what i'm supposed to do when i'm supposed to do it? what? this is so frustrating.

and also, at tengku budriah today, i looked in the bilik bayi and saw so many babies in there. like three babies in a crib, and there were a couple of cribs. and the babies were so cute, they needed and deserved so much love and yet they were there at tengku budriah, because their parents didn't want them and thre them away in dustbins and where nots. and i kept thinking, under different circumstances those babies would be in loving homes, with opportunities like mine. under different circumstances, we could have lived each others lives. they were there with unwritten futures and what struck me most was the number of them there. and i'm just talking bout the babies. looking at them really made me wanna cry, i'm very emotional lately somehow, and their cries just sounded so painful and heartbreaking. i mean sidetrack a bit la but the parents i know really love their children. and if, tai ka lai si, someone were to pass away, the parents would be in so much pain and sadness. yet they are children dying everyday without us crying every moment. and i really realized then that the amount of brokenness in this world is too vast for me to comprehend. theire is so much pain and people are so broken in this world. the world's short on love. and as cheesy as it sounds it's so true. so much i wanna help but i can't. my daddy says to just do what little i can now and do bigger things when i graduate as a doctor. but what about the people suffering now? the word brokenness has just really stuck with me all day. what can i do Lord? why do i feel things that other people don't if i can't do anything about it now?

and i hate that thought that comes creeping in always. after i leave tengku budriah i will come home to a nice house, to nice clothes and a loving(though there are inevitable shouts and gahness)family. today i am wearing a tshirt and jeans. but tomoro i'll be in nice clothes, on tuesday i'll be in my sister's work clothes and heels for an awards ceremony. the lives we lead are so different and for the life of me, i just don't know why.

people need Jesus so much. i see them hurting and in need of healing, emotionally physically, in all ways, and i cannot heal them. they need Jesus so much, so i really have to get over the fear of telling them about the God who heals, who loves, who cares more than they could have ever imagined.

sigh alongside all those thoughts cramming my head, i'm thinking about other stuff too. but one thing that's pretty embarassing to share but i will anyways cause i think it's pretty important is to hold out for more when it comes to relationships. everybody needs love and yada yada but really wait a bit longer. it's so tempting to just take whoever's best amongst the people you know or whoever's available. but the person God's set apart for you is out there somewhere and God's preparing him/her to meet you too. i guess what led me to here is looking back at people i knew then to the people i know now. i mean in college, i'm meeting SO MANY more people than i did in school. and i realized there are more people in the world like me, who think like me, who really put God first, who respects and loves and are kind. and if i can meet so many great people like them in college, what more people in the world after i leave coll? i guess, it's like, i'm starting to trust God more. along the way i learnt to never settle for second best or whoever's there, cause the person God's set apart for me is gonna be a gazillion times better, because God planned that. so hold out for more and just wait a bit longer and put your trust in God. He won't fail you.

haha, so that was pretty embarassing cause it's such a girly issue but i guess you never know who might be touched by something like that. =P

i really want to trust God more. to really finally let go of the reins. this is my goal for this upcoming week when i'm gonna be packed with tests and practices, i'm gonna trust God.

it's not that He's not answering you, you're just not pressing on hard enough. don't give up till God answers you kay?

haha it takes me like an hour to write a post and by then i forget the emotions i had when i started writing but i always feel more relieved after a long post. i tend to forget my emotions a lot. like default is hyperness or tiredness, and sometimes out of nowhere sadness and anger and whatever not will just revert back to default. it's so weird really.

i think i'd be a pretty cool grandmother. =)

haha pic of me and my sisters from ages ago.

best chinese meal i ever had. =)
haha thanks guys for the ice cream!

i love you, you, you and you,
candice

the heart of the matter

we were learning hemmingway's 'Indian Camp' in english class and someone asked mrs.sharon who the main character was. and she said, "There's no main character because every character played a specific role in the story. without one of the characters, the story simply wouldn't have been the same." well, something like that la.

and immediately i realized that that was a perfect description of our class. g8's the bomb la!

and thank you wen shi, anna, michelle, calvin, gene, elena and especially ivan oh and superbly especially pearly for coming to see my show, and the rest of you who wanted to but couldn't! i love you all to beets and peaces!

haha, i love this pic of me and elena. =P

been crazier and naughtier than usual,
candice

learning to say goodbye

i'm glad we at least got to make an awesome LAN video together as a class.

well first off, i wanna say how much i'm gonna miss annabella diong and ivan chong when/if they leave. guys, you've been really awesome to me and i love you both!

annabella diong, thanks for listening to all my crap all the time. i'm really gonna miss scolding you for not ajaking me to wear the grey cardi together or planning to 'check' together. who am i gonna throw my shoe at in class now?? but girl, i believe you've got a great future ahead of you, don't worry so much okay? God's got your back. =) and you've done so much in G8 by bringing us all together, and you are a freaking awesome class rep even though you don't print us notes from bb7(hmph!). haha! and i believe that you've got other places to go and other lives to inspire, simply by being yourself. i truly am blessed to have sat in front of you for four months now in G8. =) i love you loads babe and i wish you all the best in all you do. you'll make it, i believe in you. <3

ivan chong, thanks for your freezer and apartment. =) yep that's all.
haha just kidding! i really will miss your aww's and completely inappropriate comments in class. and you were such an amazing friend to have and i know that wherever you head to next, more people will be blessed by being your friend. go spread your ivan-ness in kedah! =) i'm gonna miss you sabahan, take care kay! you better cry when you go ar! God bless you in all you do and let's make sure your friendships in G8 don't end here kay? and thank you too, for always reading my blog. =D it's really nice and inspiring to see your comments every now and then, letting me know that there are people who care about what i have to say. =)
well i just came back from the longest musical practice so far, and it was pretty fun tho i had an emo/tired moment midway. but i really did enjoy it and it was just a couple days back when i was drowning in stress that i thought, maybe it was a mistake to join this. and i fretted that i had so many practices to go for. but today, as we were doing the run run through and especially when we sat down for comments on the run through that i realized, it's so worth it. and in every stress that i have right now, i gotta remember, it's all worth it. that it should be a joy not a burden. =) and it is a joy indeed. i can't wait to perform! =)

btw, tickets are RM25, i gotta sell fifteen tickets, let me know if you're interested! =D

i really like this - " Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue them back." - Jodi Picoult in Second Glance.

can you believe i only type 54 words a minute???????? GAH.

hmm, i realized it's not about the 6 months we won't have together. it's all about the four months we spent together, and that will always be worth remembering.

lately the idea of life itself has really been scaring me. i know i'm just 16 but the life i lead, i mean it's still life, there's still pain and joy. many times, people think that the meaning of life will only be understood by adults and old people. but that would mean that you don't start living till then? i want to be alive now. and i learnt that even at 16, people will leave you and hearts can break and stress can overwhelm you but still, at 16, you can realize that life is so breathtakingly beautiful. the truth is i'm terrified of what is to come. life scares me, and somedays i really don't know how to go on. i'm so afraid of messing up or not doing well enough in this test called life. sigh, i forgot why i'm afraid but i know i am. =P but i remember reading....
" Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

i learnt to live life not being afraid of what is to come, not being stressed about what you have to do, and not always thinking that i have to bear it alone. God is always with us and many 'little things' have reminded me that God's got my back. and i don't have the strength to carry on sometimes, but He always does. and He is saying, "Lean on Me."

don't forget to look out for the little things.

i was watching a journey of life a while back now, and the guy gave up trying to be a good guy after bad stuff kept happening to him one after another. and i've felt it too, being a 'good' person in this life is so tiring. it's tough to forgive when the other person doesn't deserve it, or when what they did was so huge and unforgivable, to hold your tongue even when people frustrate you, to always spare time for those who need it, to stand up for what is right, to focus on God, to always 'do the right thing'. and when you do all that and the world doesn't repay you but instead steps on you even more, what can you do but lose heart? so often, circumstances can be so extreme until they change the person who's going through it completely. yea, that was one of the reasons i was scared. but anyways, i wanna be able to say with conviction that it's worth it to be a good person in this world, to always give your best, i mean i know for sure sure that it's true, but feelings-wise, i'm not sure either. still, like i said before, big bad things may happen to you, but probably, in looking at the little good things that happen alongside those, you'll find the courage to move on. and when you have no more strength, remember that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. i know what it's like to want to give up but hang on, maybe what you're looking for in life is just a little late.

we can't be strong through every circumstance. hey, it's okay to cry. it's okay to hurt, it's okay to admit that this time, you can't 'be a man and suck it up'. life isn't about always standing strong, but in picking yourself up with fierce determination and all your heart, every time you fall. be real.

i know i have really jumbled thoughts today but haha, which post isn't right?

i'll be here if you need someone to lean on,
candice. =)

worn out

candicetohpooisim is? .... really tired.

i'm so tired of endless places to be and countless things to do yet wanting to do so much more. i'm so tired of falling asleep at night with unfinished work instead of going to sleep relaxed and peacefully. i can't remember the last time i went to sleep and woke up when i was done sleeping, not when i had to. i'm tired of getting distracted while doing my work. i can't wait for all this madness to end!

my dad's right, i am doing too many things.

sigh.

i know i'm gonna regret wasting time blogging later, but i really needed to vent. i miss the times where i could come back, watch a movie and still have enough time to finish my work and be asleep by 12 at least. now, any moment of rest equals to twice the stress later on. i think the stress is getting to me, i feel kinda sickly and my body feel very warm internally, i can't explain it. probably heaty, like mummy and daddy says. mum's boiling me leong cha now, so sweet of her! i hope it makes me feel better.

Matthew 11:28 - " Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Lord, please give me strength to carry on!

guardian angels

they are all around us. we just forget to look sometimes. =) no, they don't have haloes or wings nor do they play harps angelically. they're the ones that bless you with little acts that might seem insignificant but really isn't, the ones that got your back even though you don't feel it and the ones who still think about you, pray for you and love you from afar. thank you! from them i must learn to bless other people.

i feel like i might have lost my 'muchness' too.

i really like this.
"You can join the millions talking in the dark. Or you can stand up and scream light, out into the night." -www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com
"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." -Matthew 5:14-16
SHINE!

one of the things i've learnt from the bee incident is that anything can happen in life. i mean for me, getting chased by a swarm of bees was a thing that only happened in movies or advertisements. these kinda things don't happen to ordinary people like me! well it did. and i realized there are so many things that seem so surreal, big things like getting married or dealing with death and illnesses or getting into an accident or finally seeing the northern lights or well, i can't think of anything now la!, but when you finally do it, you realize, that that's just life. and i stopped believing that some things only happen to some people. and i want to start believing, like truly believing, that anything is possible. that it is possible for my friends to get the scholarship they need, that it is possible for the people around me who need healing to be healed, that it is possible for miracles to happen everyday, that it is possible for God to use me for greater things.

don't lose your faith.

April 30th, May 1st and May 2nd! JANG JANG JANG! =D *goo and wei siong's coming on april 31st* =D =D =D

for the Bible says DO NOT WORRY! God will provide!

love,
candice.

of trauma and pai seh

well, today started out pretty uneventful. the usual running to mcd's for pancakes and then eating it with mich and elena at random places. but wait till you hear the CLIMAX of the story. we were traumatized man and just eeyer!

so we were filming our LAN videos at 'my place', about 15 to 20 of us g8-ians were there. and i'm not sure what happened here, but when i looked over to the chinese dancers they were using their fans to hit off flies or something. guess what? they were BEES! someone must have knocked a hive or something irritated the bees la. and soon the whole swarm of bees were chasing all of us and everyone was screaming and running and it was probably one of the freakiest, scariest things that ever happened to me. everyone had already split up and the experience was very traumatizing at that time lor, i used the word trauman A LOT today already, cause everywhere you looked there were bees and you could hear them but no matter where you ran they followed. i think we broke into three groups.

i was actually sitting at the stairs near the guardhouse alone safe, and i saw anna and a few other people running already. then i figured i better not stay so i ran out when i saw xin yi and vivian running too. STUNG! i got stung right between my eyes. and it hurt and was gross but didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. i had to pull out the black furry sting. eeyew! but vivian was like saying "i got stung i got stung!" she was in a lot of pain cause i think she allergic or something. she had like 3 to 5 stings on her back and side, and xin yi had 2 on her hand. we were so scared cause we were the last group to run out and so we ran to the guardhouse where the amazing guards kept us safe. they let us in the guardhouse and whacked off bees for us. one of them got stung helping us, eventually they locked us in the toilet cause window other direction, so there safer. there we examined vivian's sting and it was like really red surrounding the sting, like really bad la. and she was like limping from pain already. finally the guards said it was okay to come out so we said thank you and left.

then we saw ian outside 'my place', he got stung too, but apparently he took it like a "man" and said like mosquito bite only. anyways, we decided vivian especially needed to see the doctor so we walked to the clinic and all our wallets except ians was at the pool so we like sei for la, gotta pinjam money. so i pinjamed five bucks from elena, my ex-classmate.

so we went to the clinic and vivian had to take the jab. since we had so little money, i tried asking the doc for discount. =P said alot of ppl got stung, so if all come here got package deal ar? lol, but he was really good-natured about it. and eventually we decided only vivian needed the jab and the three of us will eat the medicine la. the doc put the injection into the sting wound man, so ouch. the bill was like 35 bucks, so we had to pay with coins even. lucky we had enough money la. then we left with two packets of medicine, must take one each, each packet had ten tablets. so we each took one and then distributed the rest to whoever needed it.

on the other side of the world, elena, dheswin, hze hou, pris and a couple more people were in another clinic. it was so sweet of mr. ng to completely miss his lunch to send them there as soon as he heard about the 'attack'. dheshwin's case was the most severe, she has 8 bee stings! then they all got jabs cause they were all stung too. i think in total, 12 of us got stung- me, pris, hze hou, dheshwin, kelly, xin yi, vivian, wen shi, sheetal, rebecca, ian and jayn(?), i'm not sure.

i guess everything eventually subsided, but for the rest of the day we kept coming back to that topic and discussing it and all. really freaky lor! i think dheswin(8 bee stings!), wen shi(stung on lip and bee went in his mouth), vivian(her sting really hurt and she needed the jab) and hze hou(vinegar-ethanoic acid, was mistakenly put on his acidic bee sting in hopes of curing it but it ended up hurting more) had the worst experience. the rest of us are pretty much fine.

still, i think it was a pretty cool new experience, kinda like paintball, you wanna get hurt sorta thing just for the experience, and it did, as ivan put it, in a way bring us all closer together. and it dissipated(?) the previous stress we were all under from filming.

so, as we were pretty much still traumatized, we decided not to go back to 'my place' to film anymore, so we filmed outside SAM garden where we just danced our indian dance there. SO PAI SEH! we dance also chanting pai seh already, but no choice lor. people were staring at us and some even stopped to just watch the whole 'performance'.

well after that, i had my first MADU group meeting with the group leader and went for my first friday cf in taylor's(cause my class schedule changed and now i can go).
=P pretty unforgettable day i think. i'm just glad that of all people to experience this with, i did it with g8. =)

so i'm gonna go out with my sister and mum now. ciao!



oh and ps: i just realized it was jap not jab. =P
i love ya loads,
candice toh pooi sim.

there's gotta be more than this

hi to you who reads my blog, =)

man i've been pretty stressed lately, apparently that's why i'm still sick and coughing like a parrot or whatever, or it could have been the chips wen shi kept telling me not to eat.... =P but there's just a lot on my mind. =) good stuff and troubling stuff. but something really really really amazing happened to me today!!!

i'm in MADU!!!!! well i think i am... all thanks to the superb goo who thought of me as soon as a guy pulled out. =) i was so happy i kept smiling during the meeting.. =D our first project's this saturday, where we going em, i dunno where actually, but to some place like an orphanage where unwanted children are placed. i am really grateful for this opportunity and i really pray that God can use me there, that the kids can feel loved by us all! =)

well other than that, i'm still juggling shava and the musical. and assignments piling up. =P april's gonna be busy busy busy for me! craps, then there's runnat too, i completely forgot! gah. how to juggle.

anyways, i was watching a journey called life just now and it's so sweet la. typical guy meets girl and falls in love with her, but what's so wrong with typical? =) but she couldn't accept that he could love her. and i realized how dangerous that is in a relationship, when you think that someone who actually loves you so much can't possibly do so.
it's something i struggle with with God sometimes actually, but even if you know and believe the truth, it's really difficult to apply it. i mean i mess up a lot, i constantly find myself makinf mistakes and falling short, yet God still loves me and He always will. but if i don't believe it, it would completely jepoardize my relationship with Him because He is love and 1 John 4:19 says that we love Him because He first loves us. i think it's 4:19, or 3:16.... and it's amazing to know that God will always love me, even when i cannot love myself. =) thank you Lord, did i mention that You're really awesome? =)

today my mum saw an obituary for a 25 yr old guy in the paper and she said she couldn't help herself and decided to call up (who i don't know la). and she said she's not a family member but she too had a 25 yr old child and would like to know how he died.. it turns out he died in a car accident. and my sis and dad were kinda erm, so random! and why you suddenly do that kinda thing.. but i was kinda touched by her act, in a way.. can't explain it really but it's like she knew in her heart that we're all connected you know.. and also in the way that all mothers have that maternal instinct, and she knew what it was like having a 25 yr old child and here was another mother who lost hers. and i was pretty overwhelmed by the thought, but i can't explain it in a way that makes sense here. but i admire that she dared to just make the call, and do something so unconventional? =P well, make of it what you will, i know how i felt about it. but remember this kay, that your life is really really precious. =)

mum called me a while ago to go watch bersamamu on tv3, i wrote a post about one of the episodes once. and it was so upsetting, that one of the child's parents were diabetic and so she was born with abnormally big head and her father has only one working leg i think. watching it, i felt that same feeling of sorrow that i always get and i always write about. i remember thinking exactly, 'some people in this world are so strong. they're so incredibly beautiful people who make tough choices out of love.'
and as i was pondering in my sorrow again, i read, in my own blog too, "i'm just astounded by the courage that they possess, especially since they have no other choice but to live with this disability. the courage to live on despite it, not wasting time to self pity and living life to its fullest? and if there are people like them in this world, so strong, so brave, so different, why can't i be like that too? people often say that they just don't have the courage, but the scary part is that courage is not the absence of fear, it's a choice to do something more important than fear. or laziness for that matter. but isn't it so amazing that we possess the ability to do great things? that we have the beauty of God in us, making us capable of really living, doing great things, if we would choose to, and then not back down."
sigh, God, i just don't get it. i believe that You give me these feelings for a reason, that You wanted me to feel for the lost, to still be troubled by their pain and astounded by their courage long after everyone else has forgotten about it. but my question is why Lord? i want to do something badly but i don't know what. and tomoro i'm going to go to college and have 'just another day' God. i can't stand being so completely useless and i hate repeating the same cycle of feeling and forgetting without doing anything! what do i do Lord? please, i pray that You will give me a heart that beats for You and Your people and the faith and boldness to reach out in love, in faith, in conviction. help me be someone i can look up to God, not out of pride but out of humility. sigh.

i'm scared of not being brave enough to choose to do what's right even if it scares the life out of me. but lilian's bottle says, do one thing a day that scares you. i find that really motivational. but the fear in me, at everything, can be so overwhelming and scary. sigh.

i wonder, what must it like to be a good person in a world full of bad people.

well anyways, i'm gonna go start my homework soon. thanks for reading though i didn't really have much deep stuff in my head today.. =) go give someone a hug or call up an old friend k? let's live more!


the penguins didn't show up. =(
love always,
candice!

hold out for more

i will, i think i finally can. =) natalie said a prayer for me in campus revo today and i think something kinda changed. =P thanks God!

haha so, yesterday night i had a little 'adventure' with vivian, anna, mich and ivan. pai sehnya right, mich and i walked into ivan's place and the first thing that i said was "mo yuk, ta kip!". apparently i thought i was very funny la. then he wasn't there but his two housemates had that ermmmmmmmm face. LOL! they were like "oh looking for ivan isit, in his room." hahah pai seh tou pat tak liu ah!!!!so i eventually said sorry in case i scared them at which point mich went, "who will be scared by you la?????" LOL.

haha, it was so funny la, we went out walking as it was getting dark with only an umbrella and an ivan for protection. =P still, we had a really good time walking from ivan's place to the subang lake to subang parade for dinner then on the bus to SDMC then we walked back in the dark of the night back to ivan's place. hahha, along the way i kept scaring mich with kidnapper stories. but it was quite scary la, subang isn't a very safe place at night i think, especially on the roads. =P

still it felt really good, so independent like that cause we walked pretty far. and we managed to see the sun set at the subang lake and took a picture too! hahah after we came back we went to the pool and just lazed there a bit before actually 'shava shava-ing'.. =P like only ten minutes out of the three hours+ we were together. pai seh again la, we shava shava by the pool. =.='' ppl were like wth? and then we started splashing water and tsk tsk, they're so naughty, keep wetting me.

i love how i have the chance to go out and do stupid things like mo yuk ta kip ppl or splash water or share dinner fourway to minimize expenses. =) maybe staying won't be so bad after all, as long as vivian drives next time. =) but definitely an experience i won't forget soon!

oh btw, best of luck you jpa people. i will miss you if you go. =( but i hope you get it. =( , =P

i was watching a journey called life and it was so sweet la. the main characters are finally together. ok fine, i like chick flicks and corny stuff, deal with it! =P but it's really sweet la. hahah.



lots of love,
candice.

things i have to say before i forget

dare to dream. dare to get hurt. take the risk cause anything is better than wondering what if. cause maybe if you dared, you'd really reach further than you ever dreamed. like the saying goes, better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

being a friend is often taken for granted. alongside having people's respect or/and trust. we tend to forget that these things, have gotta be earned. and it is a privilege to be a part of someone's life rather than a burden.

i wonder what it'd be like if one day i just did all the things i wanted to do that i never had the guts to. and the stuff i always gave excuses for. like tell someone i don't know that God loves them. or randomly tell someone how awesome i think they are. stuff like that. wow. =)

i was watching america's got talent on tv with my dad and mum and realized there were many people with sad backgrounds hoping on that one dream. it's sad huh that only one will make it and the rest will just leave disappointed?

today i was telling my parent's bout goo's parents, dad's a doctor and mum just got her phd, and daddy went "wah, so highly educated. ur parents only have form 5 cert." and i really believed then it doesn't matter how much you have studied, my dad got to where he is and gave us this kind of life by his bare hands, and i told him so. =) i hope he knows that i'm really thankful for him and that i love him loads. =)

it's cool to see how in church there are so many different kinds of people. and some even like kinda scary looking people with that fierce face. or just so much of a variety. yet the love of God unites us all. and i remember shum telling me bout some people who do not change the way they look or crowds they hang out with after knowing Jesus, but stay the way they are with a new heart because they know that the people around them won't listen to a guy in a suit preaching, but will listen to one of their own kind. which makes me wonder, isn't that what Jesus did for us too, by becoming human? like WHOA right?

i slipped (and it hurt) like four times in two days.

i LOVE Beat!

i really like one of the stories rose shared at a leader's meeting about this white guy who left like everything to evangelize in some foregin land. i think to some natives or someones. and they wouldn't listen to him and cast him out and were mean la. but one day something terrible happened to him and he was really upset, i think someone he loved passed away. and he was crying somewhere. and one of the natives came, lifted up his head from the table gently, looked at his face and put it down gently again. then he ran outside and exclaimed that "the white man cries just like we do!" and from then, all the natives listened to what he had to say. i really really really like this story, i don't know why. just in wonder la and awe really.

i hate that lately i've been taking more than giving. especially from people like anna and pearls and chris and roxy who always have to put up with my million and one stories yet they never have any load to unload. so i feel really guilty for always just taking. i'm sorry, but thank you so much, especially to you four, who's really been there for me lately.

happy easter!

i love you for still reading this,
candice

so easily distracted

i've been wanting to blog for a few days dey cause i have stuff to say right, but i've been busy and sick but i realized i'm busy because i'm so easily distracted or 'inefficient' as my sister calls me. so what more harm is a blog post huh? =P

for april fool's day, some ppl in g8 remembered that mr ng said his birthday was on april fool's day. so we all thought, what the heck, let's get a cake only la! so we got a small cupcake and decided to sing in class at 8.40am at which time all our alarms will, in anna's fantasy, ring at the same time and shock him. =.='' well that didn't happen cause all our phones had different times. haha, so we started singing anyways and he was really touched but after that admitted that it was after all, not his birthday. haha, but it was worth it to see him so happy. =)

my gosh, candice toh is gonna cough her lungs out soon. like literally have her lungs coughed out onto the floor. ARGH!

anyways, yesterday i went to church for the Good Friday service and had a few new thoughts in my head. okay honestly, i didn't really pay attention to the sermon partly cause i kept wanting to cough but can't cause i scared ppl around me get way too annoyed so i tahaned.. but at the end of it all, the pastor had an altar call for people who needed to come back to God. and i figured the response wouldn't be very good since i didn't really feel amazed at the sermon, but quite many people stood up in surrender. and i could tell some of them were really overwhelmed expecially the lady behind me. and i realized two things. one is that, at different times, God uses different things to speak to different people, He knows what they need. like, even though the message didn't apply to me, He could still use it to touch so many people's lives. and i was like totally WAHHHH.
also cause recently i've been really amazed at how God could forgive me over and over again for my failures and still love me unconditionally, dying for me even though He knew i'd fail him again and again. and i realized, He deals with more than just me each day, He deals with everyone's failures, everyone's pain. and i know He's God and perfect and like super awesome at multi-tasking cause well He's omnipresent, but still, to have a God in my life that is willing to take on all that pain and sin and be willing to forgive them all each day is just completely amazing. i think about how sometimes i can't even forgive myself and yet here God is, so willing to forgive the sins of more than just mine, but of all the earth, out of LOVE.

i learnt that succumbing to the though that God cannot forgive me is to diminish Jesus' work on the cross.

perhaps the most touching part of the Easter story for me is the part where Jesus cried," My God, why have you forsaken me?" on the cross. At that moment, all the world's sins were on Him, crushing Him, and even God had to look away for He is the opposite of sin, He is clean and perfect. and i realized that on the cross, Jesus must have been so lonely. His disciples ran away, people were shouting at Him and whipping Him and even God the Father had turned away. and when this thought enetered my mind, i finally believed with all my heart that God understands my pain and my hurts. for every time i've felt alone or treated unjustly or upset, He can say with complete honesty that He's been there too, He knows how i feel. Can you imagine that He would come to earth to die for people like us? people who make mistakes everyday and who hurt other people and who beyond a doubt, does not deserve it?

and what i realized most is, no matter how messed up we are, God will always love us. even when the disciples ran away and just made mistake after mistake, God still loved them and used them for greater things. even though people like Abraham and Jacob did so much wrong, God is still proud of them that He would let Himself be called the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Man, my God is awesome!

=)

hmm, on a slightly different note, i've been struggling with what to do next year alot. i'm completely torn between staying and going overseas and am so not used to having to make big decisions in my life. but i've had really incredible people around me, my sister and friends who gave me all kinds of advice of which i am really grateful for. and today i had a fortune cookie and inside it said, do not worry about what lies ahead. this is the second time i got this 'fortune', but i remember that the first time i did, the timing was perfect too. i still keep the first one, i stuck it on my wall! =)still my prayer today is that God will send me where He will have me go. =)

i was rereading some posts in my blog just now and realized, it's quite nice to read the words i have said before. and realize that i am still the same person then as i am now. and some lessons i have forgotten are written here for me to re-remember.

gah, i'm still coughing now. everytime i get into like fits of coughing again i break out in cold sweat. and was slightly feverish this morning. it's strange tho, i think i fell sick like three times already this year. i remember only falling sick on average once a year last time when i was younger. strange.

anyways, i gotta get some work done before i go for AGC meeting where i can see and hug pearls and kat! =D

Have a Blessed Easter!