run

Safe by Britt Nicole
You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see i'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah i'm losing control and
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju--st isn't safe
(your not safe, mmm-mm)

I'm strong enough, i've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But i've already fallen from that hill,
So i'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't

Everything you want, but its everything you need
Its not always happy endings but its hap-py in betweeen
Its taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk

Oh no, my walls are gonna breeeaakk
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't safe

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

Your not safe
And that's okay

before the sunrise

ever reached a point where you realized you made an unconcious decision a while back that kinda formed your future from then(past from now)? like that one decision, if decided differently, might lead to a different future? haha life's funny that way huh? you can't rewind, and rewinding would be too much of a hassle in a way. it's good to move on and forget regrets but it's also nearly inevitable to turn around and wonder, what if?

gah, people who don't really listen to my(or even others) opinions and are so insistent on being right frustrate me. which reminds me never to become someone who would frustrate me.

hope comes from unexpected places, little gifts from God to remind you that He cares about you and so do others. so, hope's on it's way. don't lose your faith, even if holding on is the toughest thing you can do right now.

Quotes to ponder

"Do not let your fire go out, sparked by irreplaceable spark. And the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish. And lonely frustration for the life you deserved but never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. And it is yours." - Ayn Rand

"The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures." - John.F Kennedy

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." - C.S Lewis

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see." - C.S Lewis

oh and it's 12 midnight now, i got to talk to dely for a while thru gmail!!! she's one of the refugee kids i was blessed to know, but she and her family were resettled in america. i am so happy i got to connect with her again, even if our conversation was just how are yous and God bless yous. :) i'm happy now! but my moods are swinging higher than tarzan la! gah.

in conclusion, life is good. always was, still is, and forevermore will be, despite the odds. :)


learning,
candice

more broken

i had a pretty good day yesterday! had some stuff on my mind actually but spending the day running around and laughing with mich, elena and other teng family members, and then going out with faris, goo and vonne made me feel so much better. it's pretty sweet how when one part of your life cracks, another can rise up to give you strength.

friends are really awesome, i'm glad i have them in my life. barbeque last night was really fun and comfy! we totally branded the guys with rose and butterfly tattoos. LOL! it's funny how i'm not the same girl i was. i realized that today at the awards ceremony in school. i've changed, not for the worse and probably only slightly for the better. just different ya know? and it's amazing how life changes like that. and scary. and i don't know what my conclusion is really, but i'm sure that i'm different but still same same. :)

i used to be pretty defined by what i did, like sports, president of cf, dance, academics, monitor and debator. and just recently, i missed that acknowledgement. i missed being known for that. but the truth is i'm not her anymore, or that side of me's pretty dormant already. yet still, i guess maybe behind all that, is just me. and btw, the only of the above still in my life is cf, but finally i'm defined by who i am and not what i do. maybe that's what we all do. hide behind masks that show a better version of us. a mask that's prettier, smarter, more talented. and it takes so much strength and confidence to finally be comfortable with who you are as you. to believe that the you under the mask, the real you, is more beautiful than any mask could ever be. and as much as i love being hyper, as cool and as big a part of my life uhm, intensity girl(LOL) is, a bigger part of me is this girl, writing long, winding posts about life and challenges. and not many people in my life know about this side of me or much less prefer it to 'intensity girl', but you know what? i like her. :)

thanks too to rachel and kathleen and a few others as well. :) you guys really inspire me to be me. i'm really grateful and infinitely blessed to have you as friends, watching over me. i love you guys to bits and pieces!

oh and i learnt that sometimes you gotta say to pain in its horrid face, that you can keep pushing me but you'll never break me. hang in there okay?

i am strong,
candice

heartbeat

so i had my bio presentation today! we had to speed through it and there's a good chance of getting full if you can stay within 3 minutes. basically everyone speed talked la, including me. i don't do well when i have to rush, and i started getting that chest discomfort again. the last time it happened was during the add maths SPM paper where i realized that i didn't have enough time to finish unless i started rushing (cause i tend to do things slowly). then my chest started getting tight and my cheeks were flushed and my hands were shaking. i remember crying the whole day after that paper because of that horrible feeling that lasted the whole day. today it happened before my presentation started but it wasn't as bad la. but still, i felt very uncomfortable and still do, had some difficulty breathing just now too. but i guess it could be me just overreacting but i considered many options lor, like panic attack, angina or whatever. and in both times, i had coffee beforehand! but i think i'm gonna be just fine and my mind's playing tricks on me only. so no worries!

anyways i got an interview with monash for medicine soon! i kinda didn't expected it cause my isats were quite low, but i did and as soon as i saw the email, i thanked God. things haven't been going so well between me and God and i'm more confused lately but still it felt like He was saying that He's keeping His promise to me. i might or might not perform well, but on this matter, i'm still counting on God. :) but it's funny tho, how He can be so near to me yet so far. sigh... but the interview was part of what got me all jiggly nervous too. please help me there God!!! i'm pretty terrified!

well, quite recently i was challenged by james that if someone could prove the whole Bible wrong, what would happen to my faith? which led to the question why do i believe in God? i think i just realized my answer. in the most difficult times of my life, the only person i can go to and know that i will be understood, is God. even if i am angry with Him for giving me such lousy circumstances, He is the only one i can turn to. "Where can i go from Your Spirit, or where can i flee from Your presence? If i ascend into heaven You are there; if i make my bed in hell, You are there." -Psalms 139:7-8, "Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."- verse 10. and what this says to me is that even when life seems like hell, He is there with me holding my hand. and He promises never to leave. my friends are awesome, but only He can bring that peace and hope.

There are so many people i know that succumb to rage easily and would scream at people instantly, others that succumb to pain hopelessly and would cut themselves or think of suicide. and on some level, i have succumbed to rage or pain, but since meeting God, i know something changed in me. there are days when people are shouting at me or irritating me, that i want to scream back with all my lungs and energy, to say words of truth about their wrong, hypocritical behaviour which i know would totally shut them up in shame, unless they that thick skinned la. but most of the time i don't. and honestly when you don't shout back, you feel uneasy or treated unjustly. i feel that way. but God's bigger than that, and He lives in me. so i should be more like Him. when i, when we, don't shout back, we're exerting godliness. when we want to act out in rage in response to injustice towards us or others, and don't, we're not being weak, but instead incredibly strong. because despite what the world thinks, that a man would always stand up and fight back, it takes even more strength to walk away, to surrender all the hurt to God and to forgive even if the other person does not deserve it at all. cause who are we to judge?

"You have heard that it was said an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But i tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him as well. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. and whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. give to him who asks of you and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. you have heard that it was said,'you shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' but i say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you."
-Matthew 5:38-44

and that's why i don't think i can ever lose my faith in God. i need Him too much, and it is in the hardest times that i see how much He means to me. and it's given me compassion for my friends and family too, and every other person in the world who hurts and suffers and does so, all alone. i started writing the second half of this post pretty angry and upset over something, but as i've typed all these out, God's peace surrounds me again. and i wish so deeply that the people around me will too eventually feel that peace and sacrificial love of our God.

"For He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds."
- Psalms 147:3

learning to love like Christ,
candice

breakthrough

i was very inspired by philip mantofa's sermon today. with how my spiritual life has been going downhill lately, i came home and spent some time with God, just praying and singing. i want to be used by God to win lives and tell the world about how much Jesus loves them. and this requires a courage and determination i do not possess. so i want to learn as well to rely on God for everything, knowing that i am weak and He is strong. but in every case, i will not back down, i will try my best. today philip mantofa challenged the whole congregation to spend half an hour a day praying for our nation and its people. i wanted to promise God i would but i'm so afraid of letting Him down again. but i realized, throughout my spiritual life, i've always wanted to go from A to M. i wanted to be the superpower christian that is so deeply in love with God and because i just hated being where i am, being stagnant without growth. but everytime i'd try, i wouldn't be able to do it and consequently i'd give up and stay at A, complaining and moaning. but today i realized, i must start with A to B. that no matter how many times i fall, i must still go step my step, taking baby steps in Christ before i grow to strides and consequently runs. and i realized too that to choose baby steps is to admit that my relationship with God needs work, that i'm nowhere near as perfect as i pretend to be. but i gotta be honest and shame the devil right? so today i make my first step. to recommit to God but by putting all my faith in Him to lead, with a new heart and a new will. and we both know somewhere down the line i will fall again, but i will keep fighting and i will keep believing.

also, i think i need initiative to progress. i'm gonna begin a facebook and tv limitation if not fast. because only by removing all these poisons and time thiefs from my life will i be able to move forward. the Bible says to deny yourself, take up the cross and follow Christ. and this is my choice today, because i am tired of being a sunday christian. i'm tired of masks of perfection and pretending to be better than i am. i'm tired of always saying i miss God when He's right there, when He didn't leave me but instead i left Him. i want to live the life that God intended for me, to be so secure in His love that nothing else matters, not even if people call me some religious nut, not even when i'm seen as weird, because i've got the greatest gift. i've got Jesus in my heart. and maybe if i do reach the point of having nothing, that's when i can finally understand how He can be my everything.

and today i write this post not to boast to the world, but to say with honesty that i will try again. that this is my covenant today, something that is between me and God. and this post will be posted as a reminder to me that i chose this life, i chose to commit and i must find the will to do so.

i believe that in my commitment, i will see breakthroughs start to happen. breakthroughs in my studies, in my family, in my leadership, in church and in greater things even i cannot imagine. in my life i've always felt bound, like i always be able to do only so much, i never could make a better grade, or be a better limited. but i truly believe now that God can tear down the walls in my life.

this was the song than became my prayer today, a new song i sung unto the Lord.
Brokenness, brokenness is what i long for
Brokenness is what i need
Brokenness, brokenness is what You want for me
Take my life, and mold it,
Take my mind, transform it,
Take my will, conform it,
to Yours, to Yours, o Lord

i believe in a God that does the impossible everyday. i believe in a God who can make miracles happen and a God who wants us to rise up. so Lord Jesus, use me i pray, not as a mighty Christian but as a humble servant, who's ready to do Your will, no matter what the cost.

so it's never too late for you to go back to God and pray for a new start. His blood has cleansed once and for all. if you are reading this now and you feel lost, like your relationship with God is hanging by a thread, then do not lose hope. i discovered, it's a matter of will. your relationship with God should not be based on feelings, be it laziness or loneliness or quietness, but it should be so much more that that. He loves you deeply, don't ever doubt that. and He's calling you to come home, to come back into His loving arms. and if like me, you've tried a million times and yet you've failed a million times too, then take heart, do this with me, and try one more time. this might just be your breakthrough.

rededicating my life to my Saviour,
candice :)

strength to soar

gah i typed everything out and it didn't autosave. :(

i learnt a lesson just now. i was on the phone with a friend, and while giving advice, i realized how much those words applied to me as well. lately i've been feeling more like a failure in many of the things i do. and i said, what shows true dedication is choosing to keep doing what you started even when the good feelings have gone. and that, feels like a big slap. sigh.

lately i feel like there's some sort of poision in me. poison that makes me irritable easily, extremely lazy and just not myself. i don't feel good about myself as much and i succumb so easily to watching glee or bones, and thus procrastinating doing my homework and stuff. and if i don't become more determined to fight it, it'll just become worse and worse. sigh, i need to be working extra hard now too to get a super duper TER to get into med school. maybe this is a new challenge for me, to overcome laziness and stuff. and in addition, i got a new responsibility in CF now, publishing camp comm.. i'm so afraid of messing up anymore, anywhere. sigh.

today my dad gave me a father's day present. a totally unexpected one, that didn't come in a neatly wrapped bundle or a ribbon package. but instead it came in unexpected words of encouragement. see, i always thought that it would be quite disappointing for him to pay so incredibly much for medicine school for me if i would choose a low paying job after. and in the car i told him so, like i'd feel bad if it comes to a point where i could barely support myself and thus could not support them too. if i chose to live a life of voluntary poverty. but he said, that it did not matter to him. what matters is if i could be of service to society or not. and he said that he couldn't do it, like be of much service to society, but his hopes are that we his daughters could represent him in doing so. that he would gladly pay for our education if at the end of the day we can help people. and he said that he would very much like to see me become a doctor, and he said it with such sincerity and hope. i was so incredibly touched and tears had actually begun to fill my eyes but i held it in. thank you so much daddy. :) i really hope that my children next time will be as blessed as me, to have a father like you.

oh and i met really nice people today too. :) they help delivered this really heavy thingy to our house and i was amazed once again by the beauty of strangers. :) they were happy even when they did hard labour. you know, i realized that some people look to the skies or to green forests when in search of beauty. but me? the greatest beauty i can find anywhere on earth, is that which lies in the human spirit. the world is a beautiful place. :)

but to be honest, as i kinda mentioned above, my life is pretty messy right now. it would be quite easy to assume my walk with God is going great from my posts, but they aren't so much. i've been feeling close but not close, it's complicated la. and i've been feeling quite awful lately, just withdrawal symptoms from God. and i'm tired of always having to try so hard to make things work with God, but then i remember that it is not a chore but a joy to serve Him. as with every fall, what matters more is that you would rise again. i will rise again, even if it's a bit late.

and watching glee and re-reflecting on agc, i realized how serious the problems that teenage girls face. of dealing with social pressures like fitting in, being skinny, being beautiful and popular and self esteem issues too. and i'm sure every girl out there knows what that feels like. so today my message is this. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, because God designed you so. see yourself through His eyes and not that of the world and see how precious you truly are. it's tough, it really is, to see yourself through His eyes and not the world's when you still have to deal with the world everyday. but remember that God too is always with you. so believe the truth kay?

thank You that Jesus' blood paid the price once and for all. i love You Lord, thanks for the amazing people you have placed in my life.


having faith in myself,
candice

walk on water

so today we found out that fiona's leaving for JPA and also today was day 1 without jayn.. it's so sad really, cause when i think of our class i can really imagine all their faces, them two and ivanna and everyone else. but talking with mich and elena today, gosh we really do love our class. everybody's so awesome and today i'm thankful for this super duper amazing class. :)class trip k!!! haha so to jayn and fiona, you will always be remembered AND LOVED in G8!!! :D
:) i'm watching our videos again, like the LAN one. haha, i guess sometimes there are places you can feel like you belong, and watching these just reminds me. :)

sigh, speaking of exams.. i guess i'm semi stressed about results. i don't think i'm good enough to get a spot anywhere really, especially that large blinking B for physics. but i guess it's true that i didn't give it my best. so, in realizing the importance of setting goals, this is my goal for the mid sem 2 report. :)
chem 18, maths 18, PHY 18(!!!), bio 19, eng 20. i really want to acheive this! by God's grace and will, hopefully it comes to pass!!! but *BREATHES IN*, it's time to start working harder.

IMU has always been my backup plan if i couldn't get into any aussie uni for undergrad med. i think by now medicine's pretty confirmed for me dey la. so like iu've said a lot, i found security in knowing that God will send me where He wants me to go. but since i didn't do so well in my ISATs and since my results aren't as good as my other classmates, i began to worry. and talking to my sister today made me think, i guess i'll probably end up at IMU then. but at that moment, a thought entered my head, "o ye of little faith, why did you doubt?", it's a Bible verse if you didn't know, when Peter was walking on water and once he started to doubt and worry, he began to sink. and it was kinda like a WHOA in my face. but the dangers of hoping is disappointment. cause i'm so afraid really of putting my trust wholly in God then finally ending up in IMU still, not that i have anything against IMU, i just suddenly felt like going overseas right away, somehow. and i know if i end up there, it's still all by His great plan for my life, but that verse.. it felt really whoosh right, but does it mean i should believe i would get a space in aussie somewhere? UNSW maybe if i do really well in my exams? but interview... sigh all the stress. i need ice cream. baskin on wednesday MUAHAHAHAHH!
but a thought hit me too.. why do i want to go to australia? like earlier when i went there i kept thinking that it wasn't like home at all, and i didn't like it there. but thinking bout uni more and more made me realize, i do wanna go study overseas. so maybe, i need the faith to believe that God's put that passion in my heart too.

i'm currently reading 'Rumours of Another World' by Philip Yancey, and it's pretty good stuff! :) and i think that maybe faith, is about believing that nothing's coincidence, that God planned every single detail of your life, down to the diameter of each hair on your head.

thanks God for always making me feel safe and secure even when i am unsure about what my future holds for me. :)

and i really miss TOT!!!! :( this pic doesn't have james tho..


looking for rainbows and sunflowers,
candice :)

today

today i am thankful that i have a God who loves me deeply, despite every character flaw i have that even i cannot bear.

i am thankful that i believe in a God who does not give me everything i want, but gives me hardships and trials that i may grow, needs and sorrow that i may rely on His strength and joy in the most unexpected places.

thank You God, for being You. :)

remembering that everyday is a new day to thank God,
candice :)

dance to the beat

today i got to see some radioactive image of a beating heart. we were supposed to go for imaging only but we saw cardiovascular lab on the directory and figured we could go ask if they would let us see see cause we had an extra hour. we thought lab only mar. then after much persuasion, the nurses finally let us in and we couldn't believe that we got to see a real surgery. it was an angiogram to look for blockages in the heart using radiation. so they pump this radioactive liquid through the guy's veins and it can be detected by the radioactive machine thing - this procedure's called fluoroscopy. so you could see how the heart beated and i tell you, i was seriously so amazed. like, this is life you know! such a miracle to see a beating heart like that even if it was just a black and white image. and i think that i was more sure and excited then than i can remember, that i want to do medicine.

and that i think, taught me so much about growing up and keeping all my idealistic opinions (like from the previous post) but to always find ways to make miracles happen everyday. thank You God for this experience, i believe You led us there for a reason, according to Your plan. :D

and i realized, that miracles happen everyday. it's a miracle that my heart beats at all. it's a miracle that the sun rises again each morning. it's a miracle that a baby is born every moment of every day somewhere in the world. it's a miracle that someone somewhere has found Jesus. it's a miracle that we have friends and family. it's a miracle we're all alive. so live life always remembering the miracles around us.

i'm gonna start thanking God each day for a specific thing that happened that day. today, i thank God for letting us see a beating heart. i thank You for the chance to go pasar malam with friends and i thank You that kat drove me home safely. :) Amen! :D


still believing in miracles,
candice :)

looking in all the wrong places

i've been drawing further away from God lately. everytime that happens i become kinda emo all the time, and upset really. i start feeling all lonely and tired and lazy. today after everyone left, i went back to the bench outside SJMC. it's a nice bench, and i liked sitting there with my iPod listening to songs and just thinking. i haven't had much alone time lately, so it was really good for me today. as i was listening i thought, i should read my pocket Bible now. then while kinda debating it in my head i figured, why not? i could really use some advice from God. and i thought in my mind, what should i read? and the thought psalm 133 came to my head, like one three three. so i read it but it didn't offer me much for now. then i thought hmm, maybe psalm 13, like one three. haha, i know it sounds silly but it works quite often for me. and reading it, it felt quite timely and soothing in a sense. but what stood out to me so clearly is the line "but i trust in Your unfailing love." and that brought me peace and just security. sigh.. but God's really awesome, that His love is unending, despite everything that i do wrong. i love You Lord!! :)

hahah i just got off the phone with kitkat tan su-lin. she's awesome! :) i feel much better now. :D

so, we went for endoscopy today! it was pretty cool. haha, as usual i learnt some personal lessons too. for one, one of the doctors was really mean-spirited. first dowan to let us watch and made the patient change his mind too then halfway call us in to watch the procedure. really sarcastic too! when i asked what the white thingy in the dude's stomach was, cause he spoke so softly the first time that i couldn't hear him, he said it's a dog, a poodle. like duh! then the nurse whispered to me that it's an ulcer and stuff. she's nice. so after it's done we courteously said thank you and he went, didn't you read the paper yesterday? that Malaysia's gonna have an overflow of doctors in the next five years or something? so he said, there's not gonna be any jobs for us when we come out and then he walked away all smug and mighty. gah. i am a bit emo which caused me to be more irritated too i guess. after that i thought of a response to what he said. and i should have challenged him back. i should have spoken my mind fearlessly with respect, that unless every person in Malaysia, regardless of how rich they are and whether they can afford treatment, has access to a doctor that will treat them accordingly, then an overflow is just nonsense. an overflow would just mean a limited amount of high-paying doctor jobs. which is ridiculous.

i mean, i felt that most doctors in SJMC really are quite proud. well those i met la and i know i shouldn't be judging, but i'm not really, it's just how i perceived their attitudes towards us. they are the boss la but it's so discouraging to see so many people doing medicine for the money. two out of the three doctors we met at endoscopy today were oblivious to the patient's fear of the procedure and they didn't even really greet the patient. being a doctor to them had become a chore rather than a privilege really. they merely went in, got the job done and went out. but the third doctor we met, dr.ganesh, he was really nice and friendly. he encouraged the patient when she got scared and he said hi and engaged in some small talk first. and he was super friendly with us too. said endoscopy's like playing with a big playstation. i guess to me, the idealistic teenager, being a doctor is different. you've been entrusted with a life ya know!! a life that hurts and fights and yearns to live. so whatcha gonna do about that?

and i also have such a respect for the nurses. they're the ones who care for the patients, they ask them about their lives, they help reduce their pain and it is obvious they most of them genuinely care. i found it so sweet how one of the nurses was holding down this uncle who was having his colonoscopy and screaming throughout. the doctor did nothing to soothe the man, not a single word but the nurse kept saying it's okay uncle! little bit more only. the use of the term uncle and aunty is so sweet, most if not all use it. our culture here's pretty cool huh! way more intimate than mr or sir. so anyways, i really think they're underestimated and given less credit than they deserve. i actually considered today if i would make a better nurse than a doctor. i didn't want to be just the 'mechanic' that fixes people and walks away. my passion is after all people. and it's cool too that my passion like dims when i'm far from God but really magnifies when i have a strong relationship with God. and the technicians too, they're all really cool. :)

and i realized that there are really nice people in this world! :) despite all sadness, pain and bad in this world, they prevail ya know? preety cool huh? the first uncle who gave consent to us observing the operation was so nice. he was so friendly with us and when the nurses couldn't find his vein, he gave wincing at us and asking still not done ar? we all went to say bye to him afterwards cause he was just so super nice. the second lady who let us in was also so sweet. she said she was shy but oh well, come only la! so we were like, oh okay! :D then she said, but next time you must cure everyone okay! haha, she's so cute. but it gives me peace to know that there are so many friendly people out there, as silly as this may sound. ;p

so what i wish for is to fearless. fearless of living away from what is expected of me, fearless of speaking my mind, fearless of doing brave things, fearless of others' opinion, of life. i was tinking today, what if i chose nursing instead of medicine? seems a pretty big leap. do i dare to choose something besides what is expected of me? but at the same time, it's more that i cannot bring myself to do it. this is me being extremely honest. i fear what people would think if i suddenly chose to do a course which required so much less academics than medicine, that i'd always be looked at as the girl who couldn't do medicine. but that's really stupid, it's such a pointless, annoying fear. and today i saw the cleaning lady at the cafeteria stacking chairs. and i wondered if i should help her, but it is her job tho. and it would be very unconventional for a normal person to mo la la help the cleaning lady stack chairs or offer to help her clean a table. it would be unconventional too for someone to smile at strangers in malls and public places, or do random nice things. i hate hate that fears. i wonder what i would be like if i lived just one day completely fearless. wouldn't that be exhilarating?
the Bible says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. perhaps wisdom is the key to overcoming all other fear. sigh.. there's so much for me to worry about.

maybe one day i should wake up and choose fearlessness. maybe that day is tomorrow.

is it bad if i cause a little trouble to one person to help someone else who needs it more? this seems to be stirring in my mind a lot. i always have to trouble my dad or sister to send me around when i gotta go for MADU or mission trip briefing or tuition for others. and they don't like it la. so i'm having a tough time deciding between right and wrong basically. there's always things to be done at home that i'm just not doing. i'm sorry. sigh.

the sun will rise again tomorrow,
candice. :D

what happened?

so today was my first day for the hospital attachment program at SDMC! it was okay, a bit boring here and a bit interesting there. i'm grouped with three people i didn't know but from SAM from Taylor's too, and they're all really nice too la. so should be an interesting week up ahead! :)

so we were at cyclogenetics today and the lady was talking about identifying the prenatal sample for Down's Syndrome. and she said it quite factually that i wondered if she felt anything when a sample she tested would come back positive. i mean she was nice and certainly not heartless i'm sure, but it seems like working in a hospital is so much about just getting used to bad news too. like doctors and nurses and even the lab technicians face sickness and pain and death every day. and so they become used to it and numb i guess. basically what i'm trying to say is, i'm scared of losing my emotions. i probably will become numb like them if i want to work in a hospital next time but i just find it so sad that while being so close to the plight of others, professionalism must come first you know? haha i don't know if you still understand what i'm talking about, but it's just i'm scared that when i become a doctor i lose my candice-ness, the emotions that make me crazy and silly or sad and tearful.

and i'm also so afraid of losing my passions and belief in miracles and greater things and people. you know how when we're young, we're really idealistic and we have big dreams, but when people grow up, so often they let them dream die away and they settle for a life that's second best. i'm scared that in a few years i'll look at myself and wonder, how did i get here? who am i now? and cause i'm pretty naive too, i'm afraid that growing up will change me into the total opposite, where everyone becomes a bad guy instead. gah, so comfusing for me!

i guess with some exceptions, i like the current me and i'm scared that when i grow up i won't have the same spunk anymore ya know?

haha, oh well, gotta grow to see right? :)

hmm here's something else i wanted to type in last night's post but didn't cause my eyes were closing while facing the laptop already. from paulo coelho also:
Don’t compare. Don’t compare anything – not prices, nor cleanliness, nor quality of life, nor means of transport, nothing! You are not traveling in order to prove you live better than others – your search, in fact, is to find out how others live, what they have to teach, how they view reality and the extraordinary things in life.
he was talking about travelling, but i felt this apply in so many areas of my life really. to just live without comparing how good what he have is to what there is elsewhere. and the words 'don't compare' always sticks with me and it's really good advice la. cause when i kept thinking not to compare, it became something i did subconciously and especially at Slim River right, the village people didn't really have much and lived on very little. and i was surprised when someone mentioned during debriefing that they(the village people) had so little. cause i didn't notice that really. i mean i guess along the way, especially this year, i feel like i learnt a lot about life. i learnt that it's not about the money in your life but in the quality of it, of how we interact we each other, about godliness, joy, love, peace, family and friendship. and if you have all that, you're really rich in life already ya know? :) so i found this advice extremely helpful too. :)


with love,
candice

the kindness of men

there's a million thoughts running through my mind right now, some affecting me more deeply than others. well for updates, i'm back from our OUG CG mission trip to Slim River, Perak where we had an incredible time. and i just finished watching The Blind Side with my family, which was an amazing movie that stirred up so much more thoughts in my whirlpool of a mind. *pictures when they're facebooked!* :)

hmm, let's start with The Blind Side. basically, if you haven't watched it, it's about this mother who takes in this pretty much homeless guy without knowing much about him and he eventually blossoms into an awesome football star. true story. :P but what touched me most was how she (the mother) so openly welcomed michael (the homeless guy) into her house. and it made me wonder how far i would go for someone usually. i mean, so often we resort to thinking the worst of people from first impressions, like taking in a stranger to your home, sure he will steal stuff or hurt you. and i guess in today's world, it's the only way to really be safe, by being cautious about everything. and i just realized how much beauty, for lack of another word, there is in just letting go. just going by faith, trusting blindly and going the extra mile for another person. without her, michael would never have made it to where he did, because she was the first one to believe in him. i have such a deep admiration for her, in the sense where she's fearless and going on nothing but heart. really so often we think the worst of others and so highly of ourselves, like when we meet children in orphanages or anyone seemingly poor, the impression is that they aren't as clean. that's why my mum lectured me about my hand rash thingy, saying it's cause i touched the children at the orphanage too much. but it gave me a whole new perspective. i mean these are lives, beautiful precious lives, and instead of being in awe of the fact that there is a unique living being before us, we start to judge instead. my thoughts on this matter are very jumbled, but i think what i finally realized/decided was that, we gotta stop, well i gotta stop being artsy fartsy and always caring about the little wrong things, the little luxuries that are absent when meeting or helping others and focus so so much more on the life itself, and all that God intends for that life. This world needs more people like leigh anne(the mother).
but i remember thinking also, that i got a completely different view on a 'woman who fears'. think deeper, what do you fear? not the big things either, when you go even deeper, to the small little stuff, like i said above, getting robbed when you show kindness or germs. and that if you put your trust and fear in God alone, the worst that can happen is still something that God had planned for the good of your life. and that is mindblowing for me. and james also told me, that when you give (he was talking bout giving money to beggars) to conmen(conbeggars) unknowingly, you are still blessing someone. you're blessing the conman.

i want, so desperately, to live with that kind of faith. the faith to live unconventionally. like if i have money to give, just give it, if i have time, just give it and to realize that there's always love to spare. to trust in God with a childlike faith, knowing that even if we get robbed, we still have God. Lord please guide me!

i was also thinking about living unconventional lives. it started off with this passage from Paulo Coelho's book - Like a Flowing River.
Most of my friends, and most of my friends’ children, also have degrees. That doesn’t mean that they’ve managed to find the kind of job they wanted. Not at all. They went to university because someone, at a time when universities were important, said that, in order to rise in the world, you had to have a degree. And thus the world was deprived of some excellent gardeners, bakers, antique dealers, sculptors, and writers. Perhaps this is the moment to review the situation. Doctors, engineers, scientists, and lawyers need to go to university, but does everyone?
and it makes me reflect on my life and the conventional-ness of it in a sense, like i am expected to get a medical degree, become successful, get married, have grandkids etc.. but what if i decide that i want to do social work instead of medicine? or something else i thought of but forgot? but i mean,it made me remember how during missions sunday that time, the speaker talked about this homeless man in chicago i think, who sold magazines supplied by the government, to make a living. and what he does basically everyday, as a part of his own unique personality, is to try and make the passerbys on that street he sells his magazines on, smile. and it made me wonder, like really think, what is so wrong about that kind of life? what is so wrong about sheila's choice in The Tiger's Child by Torey Hayden, where although she was an incredibly bright student with so much potential academically, she chose to work at McDonald's as a waitress(or some other job there, i can't rmb)? what is so wrong and at the same time, terrifying about living a life that is not of the norm? of choosing to do something you want to despite your abilities or the opinions of others. and it reminds me that i actually am free to live whatever life i want to, and that scares me a lot.

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i love this poem. and it means a lot too. :D

oh in slim river, in order of who went first, basil, me, averyl, gabe, sek hao, timothy and rachel jumped like one storey's height from the cement bridge into the river. it was a free fall for like a few seconds where you were aware for more than a moment that you were mid-air. it was freaking awesome!!!!! wise words from basil cha: "you only live once, try la!" cause the kampung kids were all jumping off the bridge and us city chickens, all so terrified of it. but eventually we all summoned enough courage to jump and it was an incredible feeling.:)

and you know what i like about myself? hahha, sorry, slightly perasan moment. i like how i'm the same everywhere, like my character and personality is as crazy and stupid in that sense no matter who i'm with, be it with church friends, family, school friends or college friends. :) all of you who are in my life, i love you loads. :)

so, lessons from mission trip!:)
for me, going for this mission trip was a rather quick decision that i made in the midst of exams and preparing for agc. and to be honest i felt like i didn't prepare my heart and my sermon fully before going. i wanted to go for this because i had time, it was a good opportunity to bond with my CG members and also because i like grabbing the opportunities i can get to do something for people. so along the way of realizing that i did not really put my whole heart into this trip, i learnt a lot of personal lessons too.

i gave a sermon in the first village about how worried i was about uni apps and how God's plan will remain in control over my life so i need not worry. and it ended up being a bit messy and way shorter than it should have been. so i was, to be honest, very disappointed in myself. but going to the next village and hearing sarah share her sermon made me think too. her sermon was very well received and timely for that village. we had a time after her sermon just spending it in God's presence and it was really cool la. i felt even more disappointed in myself then, like i had been such a failure. but then i realized, that that disappointment i felt was because of my arrogance. that i was more upset because i thought i didn't do so good than because the village people didn't receive it well. and it was a very important lesson that i learnt that day, a lesson of humility, that especially when we work in a team, we should be humble enough to praise God sincerely when a team member performs better than us but the overall result of the team is good. you get me? it's not all about you or me, and that hit me really right smack between my eyes.
oh and sarah told me afterwards that after i shared, while we were having prayers for the people there that a girl shared her fears about applying for uni to sarah. and sarah was such a big encouragement, cause she told me about that girl and about how she was so certain God used my simple message at the right time to speak into a person's life. so God's really cool la. :)

and after my sermon, i wished i could have told them this. that in every circumstance to remember the one truth, that God loves you so deeply and that His plan for your life is good. at the second village when we were singing, i kept thinking of this song- 'You never give up on me' or something like that, that was in Facing the Giants. and when i felt like such a screw up and that God must be so sick of me failing Him all the time, i remember the one truth that i had wanted to encourage by reminding others with and the title to that song, that Lord, You never give up on me. and i feel this unending, amazing love outpouring upon me from God.

Ben talked to one of the uncles in the second village. he later recounted their conversation during our debriefing that night. the uncle was illiterate and very poor, so much so that if anyone in his family got sick, all they can do is pray. they live on such raw, untouched faith, which is so beautiful really. and once when he had heartburn, God healed him without a visit to the doctor. so ben asked this uncle, "i want to pray for you, what is it that you want to ask for from God?" and he replied,"the wisdom to understand the Bible." LIKE WHOA.... ben challenged us that here was this man who lived on nothing but his faith and he so desperately wants to be able to read the Word of God and understand it and at the other end of that story lies us, lies me who does not have the same passion he has for the Bible. what an incredible lesson really.

oh also and worship leading, i came to realize how honest malay praise song were. the lyrics would say stuff like 'i want to love you Jesus' and 'the most important thing is to lift high Your name'. and especially hearing the phrase'i WANT to love you Jesus' shows that we learn to love from God and loving God deeply requires help from God Himself and i was just blown away listening to the simple, honest lyrics of the songs we sang.

i'm super sleepy already so i'm gonna sleep now. i had a really good time in Slim River and i'm glad for the bonding experience with so many of them who went too. :)


with lots of love,
Candice. :D

what does it mean to really love?

love is not a fuzzy feeling you get inside. it's an action, a choice to protect and care for and listen. it's not a 'if you do this', it's a 'no matter what'. coming back from all girls camp, i have seen so many of the sincerest expressions of love i have ever seen. and it blew me away, seeing how far someone would go out of love, how they would be fiercely strong and courageously endurant(this is a word right?). i found myself touched at so many actions of the people around me throughout this camp, especially those of a certain friend. :) but other than that, as agc was held at the same place as the camp for special needs kids and their families, of whom me and my friends know because we helped out there before, i got to see how far a mother's love would go. amanda is a little girl we met back then, and had one of the most severe cases of all the kids. and yet, to see how she interacts with her mother, it's so beautiful really. you can tell just by looking at them that her mother really cherishes her daughter and would not trade her for another. and also from my dear friend pearly, who loves us CAR ParKians, especially me!, despite all our disgusting habits or qualities.. :P
but really, this made me reconsider what it meant to really love someone. as a teenage girl, i do envision love in the romantic sense but it is so much more than that. and i am in such awe that something as incredible as love would exist in a broken world like ours.

also throughout all girls camp, i realized what an honour it is to be a part of someone's life. like i was just standing there looking at the campers thinking what a privilege it is to be able to be a part of the camp comm and be allowed to influence their lives in a sense. and that kind of trust is pretty cool la, where people let you into their lives. a lot of times lately, when i stop talking and just start being thoughtful again, is when i realize that my friend or whoever's near me has a life of their own, like they go through heartbreaks and pain and joy and love too. and it was something that amazed me, but this whole paragraph definitely made more sense in my head.

well all in all, camp was really amazing. there were so many fun-tastic moments but my ultimate favourite part was the ending of WWF night where we nailed our fears to the 10 foot cross. watching everyone do so, watching them really surrender their fear to God and with that understand that they truly have a God who cares deeply for them was such a touching scene. i started to cry as i hammered my fear into the cross, because of how much it signified and how touched i was. and seeing the rest of the campers stand one by one to do the same was incredibly moving, and i know i wasn't the only one who felt that way that night. and in sharing time the next day, there was a girl who came up and shared that after that night, all her fears seem to have gone away. and i am just in awe of our beautiful Lord.

you know, many times throughout the planning stages of camp, i question why i decided to be a part of the comm at all. it's so tiring and it gives me so little time in the end for myself, but that's probably cause i didn't know how to efficiently use my time. but when stress overwhelms, i really wonder, why? but camp was such an amazing experience for me, to hear how so many people were touched during the sharing session made me realize, that every sacrifice you make for other people is definitely worth it. :)i am so glad to be a part of this amazing committee. :)

after camp, some of us went up to genting with angie, dawn, tiffany, julie and rose. rachel chan drove our van which had me, sarah, germaine, jasmine, daphne, tiffany and natallie. we had fun! haha i was in the front sit with the bongos and kept playing it(horribly) all the way home. and we had durian ice cream and durian bombs in gohtong too, which tasted so awesome! haha poor tiff didn't like durian!!! and it was really nice to be in a van full of screaming then sleepy then screaming then sleepy girls. hahahhaha.

oh and it was really funny how prisc was telling me in college that she can never imagine me crying cause i'm so happy all the time. but spending the weekend with pearls, kat and rachel made me realize how they and manda too, were the ones that saw me cry the most. like when everyone else see the happy face i put up, these were the girls in my life that saw me vulnerable and broken. and i love them so so much for that! they are the awesomest friends ever, but it really is a bit sad how we've drifted a little with the business of school and such. still, the heart to hearts that we have with each other is priceless to me really. what's a girl without her friends? :) i love you guys so much!


from our paroimian days where we kept singing following the leader. :) it amazes me how in reference to the things we have done together we speak in terms of years now, two-three years ago and it just feels like time flew by. i know other people have had friends for ages, since they were young at all, but the fact that us as such a closely knit group when we're together have come so far together just amazes me. this is a friendship i truly value in my life. :)



p.s, i took me like a day plus to finish this post cause i'm getting lazier to type out so much stuff, but i still wanna document it. but now at 6.44 am i'm glad i said nearly all i want to say i think. :P till next time, candice. :)