thank You Lord, for the amazing message in church today that came exactly on time. this morning i woke up late for 2nd service at church, in which a different speaker was speaking than in 3rd. so, i ended up going for 3rd instead, and pastor ben's message blew me away because i felt like God told him to speak about that to reach out to me (and other particular people). He spoke about Joshua and his team marching around the wall and how it came tumbling down on the seventh day because people did not give up hope.
"Your day 7 is coming! Until then, keep believing, keep praying, and keep standing strong."
i think that this is by far the first time i've felt so moved by a message because of how befitting it is to my current season. and i am just so in awe and grateful towards God. :)
"the testing of your faith develops perseverance"
very blessed,
candice :)
Sunday, May 29, 2011
getting the hang of it
:) was encouraged by someone from my past today. but i'm gonna keep growing to become even stronger and even more faithful than she was, never forgetting her ever.
i realized we gotta know what it is we're fighting for in life then go for it full force if we think it's worth it. and there will come winds that try to blow you down, waves that try to swallow your spirit and thunder that tries to crush you completely. but you need to realize, the way i did, that you're stronger than you think. within you lies untapped strength and courage that can do great things. born in the image of our Heavenly Father, wouldn't it be obvious that we are more than just robotic beings? we are more than incapable humans. we can stop wars and save lives and move these great gigantic mountains in life, because we are the children of God that are called to greater things. we think the mountains we have to move are like bringing world peace or abolishing slavery, but more abundant than those mountains, are the ones we face everyday. shame, anger, pain, revenge, hate, laziness, greed. these are the personal battles we must each face and fight, hard. what i'm saying is life isn't easy. it really isn't at all. But God's here for You if you'll let Him, and He's saying "let Me walk you through it".
- Me, July 1, 2010
i wish i was home right now. there are a lot of people and things i miss, but still, i'm not gonna let the devil steal my joy from being here. true joy exists only in the present. :) i'm glad to say though that i'm starting to feel more and more like the overly-happy me again, in urban life and in uni too even. recently i've been called clown, hyper, random, names i've come to forget that were mine. i'm already nearly done with my first semester in uni, and i find myself looking back already to the girl that first came to australia. people i look up to have been telling me stuff about how time flew for them, and i know that it won't be long before that's me too. i think the secret's in taking life day by day, searching for the present joy in it, accepting whatever loneliness, sadness or pain that comes with it but always, always looking for the silver lining. i can't wait for the day i can look back and see the work God's done through me, and just be so, so amazed.
God's been good though. :) He sure wasn't kidding when He said He'd never leave me. thanks God. :)
"When the first love was thwarted, then there was just a chance that in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow."
- C. S Lewis in The Great Divorce
i realized that in life, we often have to give up one dream to watch another blossom into life, hanging on to only the precious few we truly desire. some people manage to juggle all their dreams, but is it really better to be a jack of all trades, master of none? watching cirque du soleil made me remember my dream to be in a circus, where your job is essentially to just.. be happy. be happy and make people happy, (whilst performing crazy cool tricks). i think i'd like that. but even putting aside how completely unqualified i am for that, i gave up that dream for another. gave it up, for the dream of letting God move through me to touch lives, in a different way, by a path that isn't always easy, doesn't always feel fulfilling but undoubtedly amazing. i know He'll bring me there one day, to the point where i get to see my dreams come true. and that He'll call me home when He's done. :) till then Lord, send me, i will go. :)
i'll be home semi-soon, and i'm thinking of what gene said "after people didn't even realize i was gone". Lol, the though of it's funny, but really man, what if? guess i'm pretty scared of going back also, things aren't the same anymore. people have changed, moved on, new buildings might be up, shops i loved may have disappeared, and i scared home will still be an unfamiliar place. nevertheless though, home is where the remaining 3/5 of my family is, and no matter how much the rest of the world has changed in these few odd months, i know they'll always be welcoming me and my sister back with open arms. :)
till next time,
candice
i realized we gotta know what it is we're fighting for in life then go for it full force if we think it's worth it. and there will come winds that try to blow you down, waves that try to swallow your spirit and thunder that tries to crush you completely. but you need to realize, the way i did, that you're stronger than you think. within you lies untapped strength and courage that can do great things. born in the image of our Heavenly Father, wouldn't it be obvious that we are more than just robotic beings? we are more than incapable humans. we can stop wars and save lives and move these great gigantic mountains in life, because we are the children of God that are called to greater things. we think the mountains we have to move are like bringing world peace or abolishing slavery, but more abundant than those mountains, are the ones we face everyday. shame, anger, pain, revenge, hate, laziness, greed. these are the personal battles we must each face and fight, hard. what i'm saying is life isn't easy. it really isn't at all. But God's here for You if you'll let Him, and He's saying "let Me walk you through it".
- Me, July 1, 2010
i wish i was home right now. there are a lot of people and things i miss, but still, i'm not gonna let the devil steal my joy from being here. true joy exists only in the present. :) i'm glad to say though that i'm starting to feel more and more like the overly-happy me again, in urban life and in uni too even. recently i've been called clown, hyper, random, names i've come to forget that were mine. i'm already nearly done with my first semester in uni, and i find myself looking back already to the girl that first came to australia. people i look up to have been telling me stuff about how time flew for them, and i know that it won't be long before that's me too. i think the secret's in taking life day by day, searching for the present joy in it, accepting whatever loneliness, sadness or pain that comes with it but always, always looking for the silver lining. i can't wait for the day i can look back and see the work God's done through me, and just be so, so amazed.
God's been good though. :) He sure wasn't kidding when He said He'd never leave me. thanks God. :)
"When the first love was thwarted, then there was just a chance that in the loneliness, in the silence, something else might begin to grow."
- C. S Lewis in The Great Divorce
i realized that in life, we often have to give up one dream to watch another blossom into life, hanging on to only the precious few we truly desire. some people manage to juggle all their dreams, but is it really better to be a jack of all trades, master of none? watching cirque du soleil made me remember my dream to be in a circus, where your job is essentially to just.. be happy. be happy and make people happy, (whilst performing crazy cool tricks). i think i'd like that. but even putting aside how completely unqualified i am for that, i gave up that dream for another. gave it up, for the dream of letting God move through me to touch lives, in a different way, by a path that isn't always easy, doesn't always feel fulfilling but undoubtedly amazing. i know He'll bring me there one day, to the point where i get to see my dreams come true. and that He'll call me home when He's done. :) till then Lord, send me, i will go. :)
i'll be home semi-soon, and i'm thinking of what gene said "after people didn't even realize i was gone". Lol, the though of it's funny, but really man, what if? guess i'm pretty scared of going back also, things aren't the same anymore. people have changed, moved on, new buildings might be up, shops i loved may have disappeared, and i scared home will still be an unfamiliar place. nevertheless though, home is where the remaining 3/5 of my family is, and no matter how much the rest of the world has changed in these few odd months, i know they'll always be welcoming me and my sister back with open arms. :)
till next time,
candice
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
the window
People say that when God closes a door, He opens another. or a window. And i guess that proved so true for me tonight. :) i'll be honest, it has been so so difficult here. definitely without a doubt though, i have had good memories and good new friends, it's just every moment i'm alone again is a reminder that well.. i'm alone again. ahah make sense ar? yet God knows what we need. He knows exactly when we need it too, and tonight at urban life, i was just so so SO BLESSED by the six other girls in that room. God brought me out of my comfort zone to an unfamiliar land, but He blessed me with this particular Urban Life to give me the support i needed. He let me fall, but He made sure people He trusted with my life were there to pray for me, pick me up and help me stand again, stronger than before. thanks urbies, and most importantly, thank You Dad. :)
today mei ying talked about letting go, and guarding your heart. and i knew what i had to let go off. so, to a friend that doesn't really know how much i was hurt by her actions, i forgive you. i knew it was time, i've been holding it in me for too long now, and because of that i overlooked God's offering of peace to me. the peace of letting go, forgiving and trusting in Him. For the first time in a while, i feel.. liberated. :)
Gosh i'm so thankful and blessed to have ULU-13 in my life now. <3
i realized a couple days back a question that came to my head.
do you (reader/me) think i would be who i am today if i didn't have God in my life?
DEFINITELY NOT. i know that everything good about me right now is of God and from Him. looking back and seeing His gentle hands guide the way really humbles me and leaves me in awe of Him. sometimes people wonder why i'm so 'holy' or why i believe in God at all. well, He's been so so real to me, showing me His glory and love and beauty in everyday things, in the words He whispers to me, in the love He put in people for me. He's not just a figure from an old book, He's been speaking to me everyday, showing me He loves me, planning my every step all for a greater future. and to quote C.S Lewis, I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
thank You Lord, for Your peace in my time of chaos. I will ever praise You, Lord. :)
extremely blessed,
candice
today mei ying talked about letting go, and guarding your heart. and i knew what i had to let go off. so, to a friend that doesn't really know how much i was hurt by her actions, i forgive you. i knew it was time, i've been holding it in me for too long now, and because of that i overlooked God's offering of peace to me. the peace of letting go, forgiving and trusting in Him. For the first time in a while, i feel.. liberated. :)
Gosh i'm so thankful and blessed to have ULU-13 in my life now. <3
i realized a couple days back a question that came to my head.
do you (reader/me) think i would be who i am today if i didn't have God in my life?
DEFINITELY NOT. i know that everything good about me right now is of God and from Him. looking back and seeing His gentle hands guide the way really humbles me and leaves me in awe of Him. sometimes people wonder why i'm so 'holy' or why i believe in God at all. well, He's been so so real to me, showing me His glory and love and beauty in everyday things, in the words He whispers to me, in the love He put in people for me. He's not just a figure from an old book, He's been speaking to me everyday, showing me He loves me, planning my every step all for a greater future. and to quote C.S Lewis, I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen. Not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
thank You Lord, for Your peace in my time of chaos. I will ever praise You, Lord. :)
extremely blessed,
candice
Sunday, May 22, 2011
like the raging sea
i miss writing. just writing long long long posts bout dunno whats. haven't had much to write about lately, except pretty much the same thing. ahha.
i miss what i used to wear to college. from the first few days of trying to look extra nice with earrings and bracelets, to just normal clothes, to shorts everyday. but yea, i miss mah shorts and skirts! it's too cold here for those. :/
i miss takeaway! :D
i really miss those morning prayer meetings every weekday in college, the times we'd have friend day where apparently i always prayed for the same friend lol, worship day where so many people would gather to hear us sing to God, and just the ordinary days where we could share our problems and receive prayer as we needed it. i wish i could go for one of those right now. :')
yea.. i don't really have much to say this time. :P but still, God bless yiuuU! :)
here's something i'm looking forward too though! :D :D :D much thanks to bea che che! :D
from here,
candice :)
i miss what i used to wear to college. from the first few days of trying to look extra nice with earrings and bracelets, to just normal clothes, to shorts everyday. but yea, i miss mah shorts and skirts! it's too cold here for those. :/
i miss takeaway! :D
i really miss those morning prayer meetings every weekday in college, the times we'd have friend day where apparently i always prayed for the same friend lol, worship day where so many people would gather to hear us sing to God, and just the ordinary days where we could share our problems and receive prayer as we needed it. i wish i could go for one of those right now. :')
yea.. i don't really have much to say this time. :P but still, God bless yiuuU! :)
here's something i'm looking forward too though! :D :D :D much thanks to bea che che! :D
from here,
candice :)
Saturday, May 21, 2011
lessons learnt
here's ten things i've learnt recently:
1. Boots keep you really warm, and as opposed to my previous judgment, leggings are AWESOME.
2. Mindfulness. hahahah to accept craig hassed's advice is to just allow myself to feel whatever, love, joy, loneliness, peace, sadness, and then move on.
3. "I'll just sleep for ten minutes" NEVER WORKS unless i'm in the library.
4. The time of the day i pray in tongues the most is when i'm absolutely terrified walking home in the dark.
5. How to make french toast and make it GOOD.
6. NOT how to do a somersault, still working on this one!
7. That more people believe in me than i let myself think sometimes.
8. That hot soup tastes so good here, and whatever that tastes like home. :)
9. That in life, people do let you down, especially when you least expected it and needed them most. But that when i least want to, i let people down too.
and most importantly..
10. That in every season, God is still God, and I have a reason to worship.
still, it was really nice hanging out with gene and wenshi today. :) haven't seen those boys in a while! haven't done a lot of things in a while actually, take ugly pictures, run across the street following the crowd and not the light, KNOWING wenshi is gonna scold me as soon as he crosses too, eat roti telur (first time actually :P) and much more i guess. :) feels quite good indeed! :D
have a good day dear reader,
candice! :D
1. Boots keep you really warm, and as opposed to my previous judgment, leggings are AWESOME.
2. Mindfulness. hahahah to accept craig hassed's advice is to just allow myself to feel whatever, love, joy, loneliness, peace, sadness, and then move on.
3. "I'll just sleep for ten minutes" NEVER WORKS unless i'm in the library.
4. The time of the day i pray in tongues the most is when i'm absolutely terrified walking home in the dark.
5. How to make french toast and make it GOOD.
6. NOT how to do a somersault, still working on this one!
7. That more people believe in me than i let myself think sometimes.
8. That hot soup tastes so good here, and whatever that tastes like home. :)
9. That in life, people do let you down, especially when you least expected it and needed them most. But that when i least want to, i let people down too.
and most importantly..
10. That in every season, God is still God, and I have a reason to worship.
still, it was really nice hanging out with gene and wenshi today. :) haven't seen those boys in a while! haven't done a lot of things in a while actually, take ugly pictures, run across the street following the crowd and not the light, KNOWING wenshi is gonna scold me as soon as he crosses too, eat roti telur (first time actually :P) and much more i guess. :) feels quite good indeed! :D
have a good day dear reader,
candice! :D
Thursday, May 19, 2011
words of blessing
they come in song lyrics too! :) thanks Jesus Culture!
Cause one thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up,
It NEVER runs out on me.
<3
freezinggggg!
with banyak sayang daripada saya! :)
Cause one thing remains
Your love never fails, it never gives up,
It NEVER runs out on me.
<3
freezinggggg!
with banyak sayang daripada saya! :)
Monday, May 16, 2011
for the first time in a very long time..
.., i'm gonna do my devotion cause i need it so badly, not just out of duty. throughout the stress of work piling up today, and just the disappointment of trying but not excelling makes me feel so frustrated at myself and exhausted. and today, i know i need God to give me peace, i need Him to help me through this, i need Him cause without Him, i know i cannot do this.
Please God, do it again.
love,
candice
Please God, do it again.
love,
candice
Sunday, May 15, 2011
hope for the moment
once again, i find myself at a place of being encouraged by my old blog posts, of reading over and over and over again how God has been so faithful to me, pulling me through each obstacle coming out the other end stronger and wiser. some days that all that keeps me going, knowing God is holding my hand with me through this season of disorder. these really encouraged me.
"so how are you looking at your life today? when everything seems to be falling apart, know that God is working in you. know that He's up to something bigger, greater than you've ever imagined. and that in the years to come, you'll see how all the puzzle pieces of your life fit into place.. perfectly. :) and even as you're stuck in the NOW, take a look at your life, through different eyes. keep praying, and keep the faith. God is moving. :)
therefore, i no longer want to be committed to my dream. i have decided to be committed to God's dream for me, no matter the cost. though i may stumble and fall and break down along the way, i know that no other road but this one will offer me the utmost satisfaction and joy and fulfillment from having lived at all."
- December 2010
"because i have a God to turn to when i don't know the answers, i am free.
because i believe in a God that is with me through joys and tears, i am free.
because my God died to redeem me, i am free.
i am free, now and forevermore.
and sometimes i will not get to do what i want to do, i will not get the instant gratification i desire, but it will be such, because God intended a better life of deeper joy for me.
a life that requires.. patience."
- December 2010
"Give the world your best and it may not be enough, give the world your best anyways."
- Mother Teresa
This was a very timely reminder for me, remembering to ALWAYS give my BEST always for others, especially if it means never receiving anything in return.
"Every mountain must move out the way
Because of Your name
Because of Your name, Jesus
Every situation must bow
Bow to Your name,
Bow to Your name"
- The song we sang today which title i don't know :P
"in times of despair, God asks, "am I not still God?""
.. just to name a few more recent ones. be blessed dear reader! :)
love,
candice
"so how are you looking at your life today? when everything seems to be falling apart, know that God is working in you. know that He's up to something bigger, greater than you've ever imagined. and that in the years to come, you'll see how all the puzzle pieces of your life fit into place.. perfectly. :) and even as you're stuck in the NOW, take a look at your life, through different eyes. keep praying, and keep the faith. God is moving. :)
therefore, i no longer want to be committed to my dream. i have decided to be committed to God's dream for me, no matter the cost. though i may stumble and fall and break down along the way, i know that no other road but this one will offer me the utmost satisfaction and joy and fulfillment from having lived at all."
- December 2010
"because i have a God to turn to when i don't know the answers, i am free.
because i believe in a God that is with me through joys and tears, i am free.
because my God died to redeem me, i am free.
i am free, now and forevermore.
and sometimes i will not get to do what i want to do, i will not get the instant gratification i desire, but it will be such, because God intended a better life of deeper joy for me.
a life that requires.. patience."
- December 2010
"Give the world your best and it may not be enough, give the world your best anyways."
- Mother Teresa
This was a very timely reminder for me, remembering to ALWAYS give my BEST always for others, especially if it means never receiving anything in return.
"Every mountain must move out the way
Because of Your name
Because of Your name, Jesus
Every situation must bow
Bow to Your name,
Bow to Your name"
- The song we sang today which title i don't know :P
"in times of despair, God asks, "am I not still God?""
.. just to name a few more recent ones. be blessed dear reader! :)
love,
candice
Saturday, May 14, 2011
today i miss..
.. being so so SO uncool but never ever feeling not cool enough. i can't wait to be home guys. :)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
ULU 13
i find it absolutely humbling to be in an urban life with all these amazing people. everyone of them has shown me friendliness, kindness and love from day 1, and there's just SO so many people, ALL OF THEM in fact, that i look up to for the qualities, strength, obedience and especially love for God that they have. i'm learning so much from you guys. :) i <3 ULU 13! :D
even as people i've just come to know and truly appreciate in my life are about to leave, mun yee, dita, jon.. i realized that it isn't God taking you guys away from me too quickly, but instead that He has so greatly blessed me by have letting me known you at all, for however long we have had together. i'm really excited for the greater plans He has in store for you. :) thank You God, for blessing me with these beautiful, awesome group of people in the midst of my storm. all glory to You! :D
<3,
candice
Thursday, May 5, 2011
beauty in the unfamiliar
yesterday i had a really... peaceful day. it's strange really, no other word to describe it. after the health enhancement tutorial i had in the morning, i left for my GP site visit in Berwick. to get there, i had to take a bus then a train then another bus, all in places i've never been before, all unfamiliar territory. it was a bit intimidating at first, but then i came to see it as such an adventure! lol, especially since one of the things i've always wanted to do was ride a train somewhere, anywhere i've never been and just.. explore. see how people live and such. and just travelling for like one and a half hours alone brought me such.. peace. i got to watch people, smile at strangers, help people who weren't sure of their way and just soak in the fact that right now at least, life is good. i wish i was more daring though, to talk to people i didn't know, see if i could have a conversation with them that would bless them for the day, or put a smile on their face. i passed so many faces that day, some of which remain in my head still. i remember the old grandfather pushing his granddaughter in a stroller nudging her to call me che che. i remember the aged couple walking together into and off the train, slowly but together, and how the lady joked about dandenong being dande-long-legs. that really made me smile. i remember the old man at the bus stop who smiled and chatted with me for a bit about which bus he was gonna take, and the kind ladies that helped me find the bus stop in berwick. something bout journey felt really surreal for me. haha, i don't know why.
i reached the GP like an hour early, and i just kept on in that mood, of just observing the life and beauty all around me. the GP was really kind and nice to me, and helped me find the suitable patient for my case commentary. this awesome lady she found told me her story later on in another room, of how she fell into drugs and how tough her life was, yet now she worked as a social worker. i dared myself to ask the difficult questions, encourage her. but it was harder for me than awkward for her i think, cause she was just so friendly and open. so i asked, how she gave up drugs, not thinking it'd be related to my project, but just so eager to know about how human will can overcome so much. i told her not to be ashamed cause she's an inspiration to other people who are still lost. and she told me something i found really profound, that she knew it'd be a good testimony to others, but she didn't want to keep re-living her past by sharing her story to people everytime. she wanted to live out a new story now, a new chapter. and i guess that statement offered me a lot of perspective, that things weren't always as black and white as i figured.
and as we chatted too, i realized how everyone has a story to tell really. there are people i pass everyday without a second thought after, bus drivers, students, lecturers, just ordinary people. this lady was someone i would have just disregarded eventually too, yet she had such a brave story to tell. i never want to underestimate people, or judge them beforehand. some people i wouldn't have pegged to be 'good boys' are actually tutoring for free too. and it's just, so much wonder to take in, how truly beautiful people can be sometimes. i'm just amazed God. :)
oh and i got to see a pap smear during my visit! bit awkward but it was really educational!
anyways, left the GP feeling pretty good cause i got to meet so many people and my GP was just the nicest woman la. and i come out.. just to witness this HUGE rainbow in the sky. first thing i did, was say thanks to God. haha, it was a really good day for me, and i was just so relaxed at the end of it though. i loved looking out of the bus window seeing all unfamiliar sights, houses and people and dogs and malls. sigh.. :) i think it was one of the rare days i actually enjoyed being alone, took advantage of that in the sense that i could do anything i liked, talked to anyone i wanted to without awkwardness with a person i was with, who perhaps did not enjoy the day as much as me. i felt really.... free. i guess loneliness right now isn't too bad, and to some extent maybe i am the one inflicting it on myself. still, it's okay, i'm coming to terms with me being here away from the familiar. in the moments i am alone, walking to uni, going home after, studying in the library after hours, riding the train to the city, times like this, i get to reflect on who i am, what i am doing now, who i wanna be, my dreams, my loves, my passions, my future. i get to remember memories from long ago and just dwell on a moment from my past that made me laugh or smile or just a time when everything felt right. i may not be as stupit or crazy as i used to be, but it's okay, cause i'm learning so much more now still. i'm starting to understand it's not multiple-personality disorder, it's really just.. life. :) and it's bittersweet, always have been, always will be.
and i thought, i should really do this more often. like maybe once a month, just go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, simply to test my limits. to do things that scare me. yea.. i'm gonna try to do one thing a day that scares me. :)
there's alot of things about my future that i am so uncertain of, so much i can't imagine myself doing yet. even tutoring, i can't imagine what that's gonna be like, will it be tough? will i not have the courage or self-confidence to go on? what if i can't believe in my student? what if this, what if that? and just lately i think God's been sorta expanding(?) my spiritual gift? i've always thought my gift was compassion, and i have always felt for those who suffer. but now, it seems like there's so many people suffering around me, and i'm feeling it like never before, can't explain it. and i'm just so.. afraid of the years to come where i'll have to watch beautiful children go, and patients i've come to adore, i have to see people suffer day after day in the future. can i really do this? i'm really REALLY enjoying what i'm doing right now, meeting people, the stuff i'm learning. and at the GP i figured, it'd be pretty nice to be a GP too, to meet people and have the same patient coming to you for over 20 years? but deep down i knew that wasn't enough for me, i wanted to be at the front line, making my difference for people who needed help immediately, to keep working, doing everything i can to fix everything i can. wanted? want. that's what i want. but the trade-off for making that difference, for being stretched thin to be useful, is to watch firsthand day by day the people i cannot help, the ones who suffer in healing or dying, the ones i just have to watch as they fade away. with the passion to undergo this challenge is a crazy immense fear, of never-ending tears and personal pain. and i have to ask again God, can i do this? can I do this? the small rainbow kid? yet, knowing He's a prayer away gives me comfort, and strength, knowing some things i will learn along the way, and others have always been in me, waiting to be unearthed. where will i be in 10 years, 15? married with kids? on a mission in third world countries? in a hospital realizing maybe that's where God's calling me instead? a GP? i don't know, i absolutely don't know. and once again.. i think that that's okay. God's taking care of that for me. :)
Dear God, please teach me to let go. to help me be okay with not being able to fix everything, please be my comforter and strength as i watch myself be not enough time after time, but really just surrender every failure and every victory to Your hands. I will still trust You Lord.
recently like i said, i've been very touched by hurting people and horrible circumstances for them, and i asked God why. to be honest i got angry even, how He could let them hurt so badly, and even when they came to Him, some were still lost, tired, aimless. and then i remembered this shooting that happened in a primary school some years ago, and how when people demanded of the local pastor WHY, he said.. one thing's for sure, God's heart was the first to break. and i realized how self-righteous i thought i was in comparison to God. like how stupid does that sound now? i wouldn't have the capacity to feel such a way, i thought, if my Maker who made me in His image, didn't have those feelings too. and imagine how much more He hurt for the things i hurt for! i was just amazed at this revelation. time after time i've prayed Break my heart for what breaks Yours and now when He grants it, i wasn't wise enough to realize. man i'm just.. learning so much here and it's pretty amazing. i just pray that God will use me now in whatever way He wants to and that i never have to say no to Him again.
and i know, that He's watching over all the people i care for and worry about. :)
yea so right now, i really am living for the little things, trying to stretch myself out and make the most of this year. throughout last year i knew that it would be the best year i've had so far, which made it strange for me to hear some others say that it's been a tough year for them. four months in, i'll say that it's been a tough year, challenging, exciting, different. in the two and a half months i've been here, i've had so many ups and downs, days where i feel so alone i can't stand it, days i just want to be surrounded by the loud noise of my friends, days that were okay, magical days like yesterday, and days where i'm genuinely happy, genuinely noisy, genuinely crazy. but like i said, i realized that that's not all i am, it is not just stupitness that defines me, and i don't want to keep trying to define me, to write a resume to assure myself and the world that i am of value. i know i am valuable in the eyes of my Father, i know who i am.. most days. and i'm tired of trying to prove, and promote myself to the world. no more definitions, i gotta learn to take me as i am. no more wishing people knew the me before i came here, knew who i used to be. maybe this is what God meant when He told mei ying to tell me to let go. i live in an ocean of possibilities, and each moment i decide who i'm gonna be. and that alone shall be the basis of my image amongst those around me now. but yea, each day i know i'm growing stronger, each day i'm learning something new, and though i forget it sometimes, everyday i know i have something to thank God for.
thank You God, for showing me the beauty in the unfamiliar. :)
love heaps,
candice
i reached the GP like an hour early, and i just kept on in that mood, of just observing the life and beauty all around me. the GP was really kind and nice to me, and helped me find the suitable patient for my case commentary. this awesome lady she found told me her story later on in another room, of how she fell into drugs and how tough her life was, yet now she worked as a social worker. i dared myself to ask the difficult questions, encourage her. but it was harder for me than awkward for her i think, cause she was just so friendly and open. so i asked, how she gave up drugs, not thinking it'd be related to my project, but just so eager to know about how human will can overcome so much. i told her not to be ashamed cause she's an inspiration to other people who are still lost. and she told me something i found really profound, that she knew it'd be a good testimony to others, but she didn't want to keep re-living her past by sharing her story to people everytime. she wanted to live out a new story now, a new chapter. and i guess that statement offered me a lot of perspective, that things weren't always as black and white as i figured.
and as we chatted too, i realized how everyone has a story to tell really. there are people i pass everyday without a second thought after, bus drivers, students, lecturers, just ordinary people. this lady was someone i would have just disregarded eventually too, yet she had such a brave story to tell. i never want to underestimate people, or judge them beforehand. some people i wouldn't have pegged to be 'good boys' are actually tutoring for free too. and it's just, so much wonder to take in, how truly beautiful people can be sometimes. i'm just amazed God. :)
oh and i got to see a pap smear during my visit! bit awkward but it was really educational!
anyways, left the GP feeling pretty good cause i got to meet so many people and my GP was just the nicest woman la. and i come out.. just to witness this HUGE rainbow in the sky. first thing i did, was say thanks to God. haha, it was a really good day for me, and i was just so relaxed at the end of it though. i loved looking out of the bus window seeing all unfamiliar sights, houses and people and dogs and malls. sigh.. :) i think it was one of the rare days i actually enjoyed being alone, took advantage of that in the sense that i could do anything i liked, talked to anyone i wanted to without awkwardness with a person i was with, who perhaps did not enjoy the day as much as me. i felt really.... free. i guess loneliness right now isn't too bad, and to some extent maybe i am the one inflicting it on myself. still, it's okay, i'm coming to terms with me being here away from the familiar. in the moments i am alone, walking to uni, going home after, studying in the library after hours, riding the train to the city, times like this, i get to reflect on who i am, what i am doing now, who i wanna be, my dreams, my loves, my passions, my future. i get to remember memories from long ago and just dwell on a moment from my past that made me laugh or smile or just a time when everything felt right. i may not be as stupit or crazy as i used to be, but it's okay, cause i'm learning so much more now still. i'm starting to understand it's not multiple-personality disorder, it's really just.. life. :) and it's bittersweet, always have been, always will be.
and i thought, i should really do this more often. like maybe once a month, just go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, simply to test my limits. to do things that scare me. yea.. i'm gonna try to do one thing a day that scares me. :)
there's alot of things about my future that i am so uncertain of, so much i can't imagine myself doing yet. even tutoring, i can't imagine what that's gonna be like, will it be tough? will i not have the courage or self-confidence to go on? what if i can't believe in my student? what if this, what if that? and just lately i think God's been sorta expanding(?) my spiritual gift? i've always thought my gift was compassion, and i have always felt for those who suffer. but now, it seems like there's so many people suffering around me, and i'm feeling it like never before, can't explain it. and i'm just so.. afraid of the years to come where i'll have to watch beautiful children go, and patients i've come to adore, i have to see people suffer day after day in the future. can i really do this? i'm really REALLY enjoying what i'm doing right now, meeting people, the stuff i'm learning. and at the GP i figured, it'd be pretty nice to be a GP too, to meet people and have the same patient coming to you for over 20 years? but deep down i knew that wasn't enough for me, i wanted to be at the front line, making my difference for people who needed help immediately, to keep working, doing everything i can to fix everything i can. wanted? want. that's what i want. but the trade-off for making that difference, for being stretched thin to be useful, is to watch firsthand day by day the people i cannot help, the ones who suffer in healing or dying, the ones i just have to watch as they fade away. with the passion to undergo this challenge is a crazy immense fear, of never-ending tears and personal pain. and i have to ask again God, can i do this? can I do this? the small rainbow kid? yet, knowing He's a prayer away gives me comfort, and strength, knowing some things i will learn along the way, and others have always been in me, waiting to be unearthed. where will i be in 10 years, 15? married with kids? on a mission in third world countries? in a hospital realizing maybe that's where God's calling me instead? a GP? i don't know, i absolutely don't know. and once again.. i think that that's okay. God's taking care of that for me. :)
Dear God, please teach me to let go. to help me be okay with not being able to fix everything, please be my comforter and strength as i watch myself be not enough time after time, but really just surrender every failure and every victory to Your hands. I will still trust You Lord.
recently like i said, i've been very touched by hurting people and horrible circumstances for them, and i asked God why. to be honest i got angry even, how He could let them hurt so badly, and even when they came to Him, some were still lost, tired, aimless. and then i remembered this shooting that happened in a primary school some years ago, and how when people demanded of the local pastor WHY, he said.. one thing's for sure, God's heart was the first to break. and i realized how self-righteous i thought i was in comparison to God. like how stupid does that sound now? i wouldn't have the capacity to feel such a way, i thought, if my Maker who made me in His image, didn't have those feelings too. and imagine how much more He hurt for the things i hurt for! i was just amazed at this revelation. time after time i've prayed Break my heart for what breaks Yours and now when He grants it, i wasn't wise enough to realize. man i'm just.. learning so much here and it's pretty amazing. i just pray that God will use me now in whatever way He wants to and that i never have to say no to Him again.
and i know, that He's watching over all the people i care for and worry about. :)
yea so right now, i really am living for the little things, trying to stretch myself out and make the most of this year. throughout last year i knew that it would be the best year i've had so far, which made it strange for me to hear some others say that it's been a tough year for them. four months in, i'll say that it's been a tough year, challenging, exciting, different. in the two and a half months i've been here, i've had so many ups and downs, days where i feel so alone i can't stand it, days i just want to be surrounded by the loud noise of my friends, days that were okay, magical days like yesterday, and days where i'm genuinely happy, genuinely noisy, genuinely crazy. but like i said, i realized that that's not all i am, it is not just stupitness that defines me, and i don't want to keep trying to define me, to write a resume to assure myself and the world that i am of value. i know i am valuable in the eyes of my Father, i know who i am.. most days. and i'm tired of trying to prove, and promote myself to the world. no more definitions, i gotta learn to take me as i am. no more wishing people knew the me before i came here, knew who i used to be. maybe this is what God meant when He told mei ying to tell me to let go. i live in an ocean of possibilities, and each moment i decide who i'm gonna be. and that alone shall be the basis of my image amongst those around me now. but yea, each day i know i'm growing stronger, each day i'm learning something new, and though i forget it sometimes, everyday i know i have something to thank God for.
thank You God, for showing me the beauty in the unfamiliar. :)
love heaps,
candice
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