Life Lessons Learnt #4

Don't break. Stretch.

This one I am still learning. 

Life Lessons Learnt #3

Hunger that leads to intimacy with God will attract favour from Heaven, and the courage to ask for a great calling will be responded to with an even greater measure in His time.

Perhaps the most important question for myself is this: What am I inspiring with my life?

Life Lessons Learnt #2

I am the master of my emotions, and neither circumstances, people nor a bad haircut should be given any authority to dictate that whatsoever.

I am the master of my emotions, and I decide that inner joy wins every time. 

Life Lessons Learnt #1

The gift from suffering is a voice that will be heard when it still chooses to praise God.

This Musical Journey

You wanna know what my hands down absolute favourite encouragement/compliment about my musical journey thus far is?

...

That the presence of God filled a whole room when the song began to play. :)

I am so grateful to have been chosen to be a part of this. Blessed far beyond my expectations. What an honour.

Eyes on Jesus: The Lyrics

Eyes on Jesus

It's a dark night
And I'm scared
I hear Your voice calling out to me
With the storm around
And the raging sea
You invite me on the waters
I refuse to live with the 'what if's'
And I hear You say to me

[Chorus]
Test the waters
Step out the boat
With just some faith
You might find you float
No need to fear
Just you and your Maker
Silence the winds and stand up tall
Indulge in the miraculous
Keep your eyes locked on Jesus

In a moment
Of insanity
I ask You to call me to come
Those in the boat
They jeer at me
But on my mind is to be with You
I refuse to live with the 'if only's'
And I hear You say to me

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Walk on water
Step out to the tossing waves
For a second just be brave
And find yourself on solid ground

[Chorus]

Well Taken Care Of

It's been a crazy year, crazy, but the absolute best yet. This is my favourite time of the year as God tends to reveal a lot more things to me towards the end of a chapter.

Every year during this time, I wonder, how much more wonder and beauty can You show me after all the amazement You have blessed me with already? What does MORE mean exactly? And yet, every year I look back, and have never, not once, been disappointed by the generosity of my King. :)

Still though, I have a feeling that next year will be a really challenging one. Challenging, but it's gonna be even better than this one.

Why? Because the same power that raised Christ from the dead lives in me, so come hell or high water, I can be sure that I'll be okay. :) I take heart in knowing that what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger and grow me further.

"The One who carried the cross carries me"
- Beautiful Love, BJ Putnam

I find so much strength from that one sentence alone and the truth that it bears. :)

Blessings,
Dice

#dicetravels

In the midst of the 19 flights planned for these 9 months. 2 down, 17 to go!

I really am so thankful to be in such an exciting season of my life. :)

Blessed beyond measure.

Encouragement

http://doodlealley.com/2012/10/10/be-friends-with-failure/ 

Love this. :)

Hope: The Lyrics

Hope

Don't hide in the darkness anymore
Don't stay with your sadness alone
You can trust me
I've been there before
Come try out the light
It's better than the night
There is warmth, there is joy
And know

[Chorus]
There is hope
In the name of Jesus
He heals the brokenhearted
And He binds up their wounds
There is life
When you call upon Him
He'll run to your side
And wrap you in an embrace
You'll find what you need
In Jesus

Don't live on your pain every day
Don't put on a mask to pretend it's okay
You can trust me
I've been there before
Come try out His fire
It will fill your desires
There is peace, there is wholeness
And know

[Chorus]

Still Standing: The Lyrics

Still Standing

When the floor gives way
Beneath my feet
When the sound of grief
Overtakes my heart
When my heart can't find
A reason to try
Then
Still I will stand

When things stop making sense any more
When all I want is to run and escape
When reality pushes me down again
I will choose to stand

[Chorus]
I will stand
Cause You told me I can
With fire in my soul
I will persevere
And I will thank my troubles
For leading me here
Where I am still standing
With Your hands holding mine

[Bridge]
Pure joy it is to suffer with You by my side
No valley too deep when Your love remains close
And as I learn to keep standing still
You will teach me to fly, fly
And soar even higher than this

[Chorus]

Wake Up Child: The Lyrics

Wake Up Child

Wake up child
It's early morning
The sun is shining
And the day is beginning

Wake up child
There's a world outside
No need to hide
Let's go for a ride

Wake up child
There's people to love
Show them Father above
How I love them so

Wake up child
There's things to do
I've dreamt it for you
Quick put on your shoes

[Chorus]
It's time to wake up
It's time to live again
Feel the joy and the beauty pour like rain
It's time to shine bright
You're My beautiful sight
When you wake up, we will have an adventure

Wake up child
Yesterday is gone
Hold My hand let's move on
It's a brand new day

Make A Difference

Inspired, bucket listed.

Amazing how much of an impact a dose of kindness and generosity can make on others. :) So blessed.

Beautiful: The Lyrics

Beautiful

I once was broken
Yet You took me in Your wings
I didn't know my worth
Yet You showed me the greatest love I've known
You taught me to find my peace
You helped me become whole
You make me beautiful, in time

[Chorus]
Teach me to shine You
More and more each day
Show me how to be more beautiful
As I reflect Your love
Let Your works within my heart
Radiate out loud
That the world may look and see
That I am beautiful, because You love me

For way too long
I got it all wrong
And I lived by the world's definitions
I struggled so hard to see
How skewed my ideas of beauty really were
I don't have to hide my scars
Cause they show the world You heal
You call me beautiful, always

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Come and move, come and move as I seek You
No one else knows me better than You do
I will choose to be strong and to believe
When You call me beautiful
When You call me beautiful
You call me beautiful

'a God project' : The Story Behind It

About two months ago, I was walking back to my sister's place with Ern Ying, immersed in a conversation about life and God. I suddenly thought of a good question to ask her..

"What do you think the LAST thing God would ever ask you to do is?"

Very dangerous question if you know what God's sense of humour is like. Haha.

She gave her answer and left me pondering mine. I considered the gifts that I already knew were over my life and the calling that has been spoken over me multiple times now, and thought of a really good one.

"Produce a music album."

I was 100% genuinely serious when I said that, because I thought that the path over my life had already been dictated and the gifts already laid out. Music was NEVER something I thought would be a huge part of my life.

But it's just SO Him to do this and laugh at my sincerity, because about two nights later, I found myself unable to sleep. There was a stirring in my heart that knew I had to get up and write. Lyrics were flooding my mind and they would not let me go to bed until I got it penned down.

That night, I wrote two songs. And since then, I have written about twelve altogether. It's not that I try very hard at all, but rather that I find myself stuck on a phrase and again, that sense that I have to write. I told a couple of people, that it was as if God held my hand each time I wrote a song. I still believe in that very much. My sister commented in amazement once that even real song writers take longer to come up with new songs. I loved that she said that, because it just means that this really was a completely God-breathed project and not at all by my own strength.

Everything began as a personal project, writing them out and playing them on the keyboard that has somehow found residence in my room for God's purposes. I sent the early drafts to a few friends with hopes to inspire, and the more positive feedback I received regarding the lyrics, the more I felt God lay on my heart to make videos and share them to more people.

It may be quite obvious from the video that I'm not much of a performer and camera shy.. which I knew, obviously, and therefore why I hesitated to obey. But then, God gave me this:

"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put in under a basket, but on a lampstand and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven."
- Matthew 5:14-16

That night, I told Him OK.
That night, I promised Him to go through with this.. so I hope you catch the heart behind this project instead of focusing on the weaknesses in it, as I am sure there are many.

Later, I asked a few friends for help, and we came up with this. We smashed it out in two days and recorded five songs in the end, and right now, James is slowly going through them one by one. As he finishes them, I am happy to share them with you! Feedback (and encouragement) is much appreciated. :)

...

Lastly, I have to say my thank you's!

Biggest thank You goes to Papa God, who I believe, put me up to this because for that moment, I believed that He was done blessing my life and surprising me with gifts. It's almost a humorous punishment for my lack of faith. Still, I am amazed that He has probably dreamt this for a while too, and took into account every time I led worship in Urban Life or sang my heart out lost in His presence at church/home and molded me in the process, unknowingly. Love You. :)

Next, would be the incredible team that came to help out that day and make this project happen. I owe a huge amount of thanks to James for the amount of work he has sowed into this (and is still sowing) and the spirit of excellence that he carries. I asked him for help because he had a better camera than mine, and a tripod stand. He ended up bringing an insane amount of equipment to my house and yea.. you can see what happened. :) Megan, Kels, James and Ron, thank you guys for putting up with my lack of musical chord knowledge, and my bad habits while singing, and spending hours and hours figuring out what my interpretation of D-A-G-A actually meant. Haha I know now, it's Am not A, and I also learnt that Ebm is a thing. Mindblown. Thanks to Luthie for coming and helping us out for half the songs in between too, and Tonia for doing miscellanous things like arranging the fairy lights and holding lyrics. Thank you to each of you for accompanying me on this journey and standing beside me and 'pai seh shy' with me in front of the camera. Note: I apologize for only myself when I talk about how I fall short in so many areas of this project, because these guys are truly champions and each extremely talented and annointed.You guys are absolutely incredible, with amazing hearts and it really was a complete honour to do this with you all.

Last but not least, a huge thank you to everyone who was bombarded with the drafts of these songs recorded with my phone on the keyboard, with my stuffy nose no less and encouraged me in return to pursue it further, particularly both my sisters, Tonia, Bryan and Gladys who were the earliest to hear the recordings. I treasure each of you very mega-ly much, but a MASSIVE extra dose of gratitude goes to three people who really stood out to me in this time, constantly cheering me on and believing in the dreams and vision of this project. To Grace Che, Tonia and Kels, I couldn't have done it without you guys. :)

OH, and not forgetting, thank you to everyone who ever taught me to play the keyboard, from my parents sending me to piano classes as a child, to my sisters, Luth, Pearly Sam, Wei Xiong, Megan, Sam Tho, Kels and.. I think that's it. AND Megan for teaching me how to sing better, though I know I know, there is still much work to be done. :P

This first one is Beautiful. I hope you enjoy it, and are blessed by it. :)



Love,
Dice

The Beautiful Things

God promised me once, that my life would always be filled with beautiful things. :)

Since then, He has kept so true to that promise and I find myself constantly in awe of His splendour around me. See, I don't think it's so much what is around me that has changed than it is my (new) perspective over everything in this life. Beauty is everywhere, and attainable for anyone who has the courage to pursue it.

I like an old story I heard once about two old men talking, and the first said, "I can't see God anywhere."  The other man paused and replied, "I have a different problem. I can't stop seeing God everywhere I go." 

I see God in the beautiful things of this world. I see Him in a breathtaking landscape, which I like to affectionately refer to as Him just showing off. I see Him in creativity, passion, love, peace, and hope. I see Him in the resilience and quiet strength of a person's soul when they go through hell-ish circumstances, I see Him in the way two strangers become friends. I see Him in every bit of grace in this world, each smile, each kind word and each moment of pure joy.

And as I learn to recognize more of the beauty in my every day, I see more of His glorious hand prints everywhere. :)

God is so good to me, simply because I have learnt to see that He is, and always will be. :) 

Blessed,
Dice

20

Been thoroughly, thoroughly spoiled this year in many unexpected ways. I really am blessed beyond measure. :)

Find What I Need In You

I'm learning to live with resilience, a quiet perseverance that is willing to endure whatever comes my way.

I'm learning to soak up the joy in each day, squeeze it dry for all the beauty it contains and then move on to a brand new day.

I'm learning the meaning of sacrifice, and giving up precious things for the most precious things.

I'm learning that the next step for me will always begin with realising I have not yet learnt it all, and I never will learn it all.

This I promise, I will always keep learning.

Sometimes it's more like struggling through, but I'll make it. :)

I have faith in myself, and in a God who will carry me when I can no longer go on. 

Carry Me

So timely. 

A Tale about Waiting

"So, what do I do now? How do I get through this?" asked the little girl, with an uncertainty in her voice that threatened to reveal the worry in her heart.

The lion saw through that and replied gently, "You pray. Every time you feel like you cannot contain your emotions anymore, you pray."

"Is it that simple?"

"Yes, and one day, you'll look back and see how your prayers prepared you for your destiny."

You Really Did Leave Me Astounded

As I was studying tonight, my thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the visions I got almost exactly a year ago. I felt the urge to reflect, and read my old journals from that time.

And my goodness.. how much things have changed since then. My emotions were stirring up tears, because I suddenly remembered how tough things were for me last year, how much I had to struggle to hold on to God and call in the favour over my life.

One particular entry stood out to me, and I felt compelled to share it here, with you.

" 21 November 2012

My prophecy was that God would use me to activate others. Maybe this is it, maybe their fruits are my fruits too. But there's still that dissatisfaction within me, a bitter one that says that I've stepped out time and time again yet never seen fruits like theirs before. Am I doing something wrong?

Why is it never me?

I don't want to be the prodigal son's older brother.
I don't want to be ungrateful, or disobedient, or rude.

Yet, I can't help but feel so unfavoured.. maybe my heart was in the wrong place and I didn't know.

Still, the quiet voice within me says that perseverance will have its own rewards.

...

For once though, I wish God would amaze me. Like blow my mind AMAZE me that I fall to my knees in thankfulness. Not that I'm not thankful for what I have, but really.. just once. Well not just once, always. 

I don't want to keep living in the testimonies from months ago."

Even as I type it out again, I feel.. amazed in my spirit at where I am today. How many times this year have I been completely taken away by His goodness over my life? And it's not like I had to try very hard to be thankful, I really was because He poured out THAT MUCH over my life. I can't believe that I was in that state last year, so low, so hopeless.. and yet God didn't give up on me and molded me further. And here I am today, walking in the promises of yesterday.

I am so blessed to have gone through this journey in life. Every struggle, every heartache, every tear cried alone has brought me to where I am standing today. Not yet perfected and nowhere close, with so much left to learn.. but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser. :)

When I look back on my life.. I see scars. Scars everywhere from the challenges I had to endure by holding God's hands. Some are deeper, but there are smaller ones in various places too.
And today, I can without a doubt say, that I would not have wanted it any other way.

My scars show the world that He heals, over and over again.

You really did leave me astounded God, and I adore You for that so very much. Thank You. :)

Blessed,
Dice

Every Day Is Beautiful

Today, I talked to Bo* because I wanted to perform an examination on him but had to build rapport first as he appeared slightly grumpy. After some small talk, he invited me to sit and we chatted on until he had to go to radiology, at which point he asked me to come back later. I bumped into him on my way back down and promised him I would go and see him again next week. :)

Today, I presented what little I examined of Bo* to an intern, and he got such a kick out of hearing what little I found considering Bo and I talked more than I examined. He kept smiling as I talked, cause what I missed out in investigations I made up for in theory. "You noted he didn't have an IV line.. but if you had more time to look, you would have found the huge vascular catheter in his chest." Anyways, we both enjoyed that.

Today, I saw the patient who nurses have been saying are very grumpy and non-compliant. I had that same impression of him when I first met him as well, but somehow.. every time I smile at him, that frown just becomes a really nice and big, beautiful smile. LOVE moments like that! SUCCESS! Hahah.

Today, I saw another kind-faced patient. There's just so many of them at Frankston, faces I collect in my memory. This man was in bed with high flow oxygen on and in atrial fibrillation, yet he just maintained this cheerful character about him as doctors were talking to one another about what to do next.

It's amazing how these are the little things that make me feel that there is an inexhaustible beauty in this world, the small things that make up the big things that make up each day. There is more to fall in love with every day that I continue to live. :)

Also, on a side note, I find it so funny that my friends, especially Ken and Jay, no longer get excited when I tell them I met a nice guy. Their response now is always immediately "so how old was he this time?". Haha, according to them, I like old men.

Which, as far as strangers with kind faces, friendly greetings and so much life in their eyes go.. they're probably right. :P

May you see more beauty in the world you live in as well. :)

Love,
Dice

Dear God

Have I told You lately that You are so so good to me? :)

Love You!

And Then There Are Those Days

Where everybody around you is grumpy, and you can't be bothered to try to improve anybody's moods. There are days where everything just doesn't go right for some reason, and suddenly every little thing gets on your nerves.

The days where even a large iced chocolate doesn't make things better.

Well, close your eyes, clear your heart, and let it go.
And smile again, because there is a joy within from God that the world can never touch without your permission.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."
- Psalm 118:24

Love as always,
Dice

Not Yet Enough

While on the train to the city today, I overheard a little girl speaking to her mother in Chinese. Her mother was explaining to her that people were going different places, and some to the sea.

Her childlike reply was innocent and excited, "I want to see the sea too!"
"But you've seen the sea before, haven't you?"

"I want to see the sea again, because I have not seen enough of it yet."

I was pleasantly surprised to realize just how much those sentiments reflected my own.

She continued to speak to her mother about little girl things, and I looked out the window and caught a short glimpse of the ocean, a gorgeous shade of green with its waves crashing violently against the shore as the storm provoked it. It was so breathtakingly beautiful.

The best things in life really are free. I only wish I took a bit more time today to get off the train and really savour the sound of the waves and the wetness of the sea on my feet.

I complained quite a bit about the storm and the wind in Melbourne today.. but had I not stopped grumbling and chose to see with different eyes, I would have missed a precious sight - the world around me different, yet still altogether beautiful.

Love,
Dice

Some Of My Favourite Things

Even though the years have passed and things have changed all around, finding out that there are still faithful, silent readers here makes me feel very very blessed and honoured indeed.

A Phone Call Home

Tonight, I called a dear friend who would be flying to UK tomorrow to further pursue her studies. I loved screaming and laughing into the phone with her again, just like old times.

Even though the line was quite horrible, I kept asking myself why I didn't do this more often.

Note to self Candice: Pick up the phone more.. because people are precious. :)

Oh The Majesty

Love is not a myth. 

Love is real.

Love is a person, and His name is Jesus.

...

After eight years of God encounters like these, it only gets better and better. 

Were Christianity just a philosophy of doing good works and living life moral enough to enter Heaven, I would have left long ago. 

I would have left had it not been the encounters with Jesus, the living God, over and over again.

Because I know love, I am able to love others.

Because I know peace, I am able to carry it into my storms.

Because I dance with my Creator, I live with joy.

Because He talks to me, I have a sense of destiny over my life, knowing that He's got a plan.

Because I have encountered His generosity, I have learnt that my life will never be in lack. 

Today, as I work and rest, I still feel so incredibly moved in my spirit. I feel full, and satisfied. 

"My heart is steadfast,

O God my heart is steadfast.

I will sing and give praise."

- Psalm 57:7

Love,

Dice

Lessons in Medicine

No patient ever wants to feel like just another job.

The Best Kind of Surprises

I came home to this today. :)

There are days when I tell God I'm thankful because I know I should be and because there are so many little blessings I know I overlook.. but then there are the days when I thank God for life because I'm left speechless by how richly blessed I truly am.

It has always been a joy and honour to do life with you girls, and I treasure each and every one of you with all my heart! :)

Blessed,
Dice

Human

"The chastisement for our peace was upon Him."
- Isaiah 53:5c

"Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you,
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved."
- Psalm 55:22

"Sorrow may last for the night,
But joy comes with the morning."
- Psalm 30:5

You are my rock, my refuge, and I will find shelter under the shadow of Your wings.
And then joy. 

Thoughts

From where do we seek our validation?

So Very Moved

To New Experiences

I witnessed my first Caesarean section today in the emergency theatre. Obstetrics/gynaecology is a fourth year rotation, but I happened to be in theatre for the previous surgery and would be for the one after that as well, so I decided to just ask if I could stay. Lucky for me, the surgeon was extremely nice and friendly about it.

It was amazing!! Incredible to think that the last time I was in this setting, it was nearly 20 years ago, when I was the baby coming out of my mumma. My heart was starting to race as I witnessed everything from the edge of the bed, I could hardly believe that in seconds I would see a live baby come out of the patient's uterus. As the baby came out, blue and still, I was so afraid that something was wrong. Thank God though, shortly after the cord was cut, the baby began to cry.

It was so beautiful that even my emotions were starting to play up. How cool is God's design, and just to witness that miracle of life.. highlight of my year! Totally, no competition! Other med students may feel more.. professionally about all this, but I just loved it so much and stood there staring at the newborn for ages, being absolutely astounded by her beauty and life, the weight of her parents' dreams for her in that place.

Ah, words can barely describe how awesome it all was.

Baby Girl Sophia*, may you find so much joy, love and goodness in this life. And know this, your parents love you very much. :)

...

I couldn't help but think, what a privilege it is to be there, to be in this career line and witness these things. I live an incredibly blessed life. I am so thankful to have these experiences, and to realize in that moment my purest intentions for wanting to do medicine all along, as well as knowing that that has  been God's heart for me all along. Probably not obstetrics specifically, but we'll see. ;)

EVEN if I never get to fall in love, or live a luxurious life, or anything else I may desire in the natural, even if I have to leave behind so much of this life I have grown to love in pursuit of my dreams, I believe that I can and will be satisfied.

To rest on the shoulder of my Heavenly Father, to grow and by that watch my dreams become more detailed and fulfilled bit by bit, to fight the illnesses that imprison patients by physical methods, mental processes and spiritual belief, to change the world one person at a time and to bring joy and peace into the lives of others by the presence of God upon me.. what more could I ask for in this one life that I have to live?

I know I say this a lot, but I constantly feel the need to repeat it, more and more every time I proclaim it. I live a very blessed life, and I know it. :) How much more grateful I am to know that this is all still just the beginning too, that He isn't done dreaming for me yet.

Thank You for giving me all I have ever needed.. and so much more Papa. 

Blessed beyond expectations,
Candice

One Of Those Days

"Though the fig tree may not blossom, 
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls -
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation."
- Habakkuk 3:17

I did my devotion on that yesterday, and just felt extremely moved by that verse. It is possibly one of my favourites.

I am often told that I am a very happy, cheerful person, and this verse reminds me of why I should always be that way. True joy is not dependent on circumstances, but rather just being in that loving, fulfilling relationship with God. I had much to journal about that verse, accepting the challenge to always find joy in every season and every circumstance.

I did not expect to be tested so quickly.

About an hour or so later, I dropped my phone for the thousand and one -th time and assumed it will be like the other times I accidentally dropped it.. but no. The screen went weird then coloured marks began to very slowly spread across it.

At urban life, so much of what I practiced on the keyboards was unable to be reproduced in the moment of worship itself too.

This morning, I woke up at 5am to reach Franga by 7am. Slightly lacking in sleep, I decided to press on and go ahead since I promised the fifth year I would turn up for plastics today. At this time, I discovered my phone had gotten so bad overnight that I could barely see my screen anymore, and the keypad was not visible at all for sending messages (this later led to some very hilarious text messages I sent by muscle memory of where each letter is).

Five stations away from Frankston, a truck decided to run the boom gates and got absolutely destroyed by the City Loop train. Thank God for the front though, it remained intact and the driver was safe. However, this caused a huge ruckus in the place and we ended up being stuck there for about an hour and a half to two hours as they figured things out.

I was getting increasingly affected by these circumstances considering I actually made the effort to be on time today. To make things worse, I got confused with Metro's arrangement for a replacement. Due to that mess, I somehow ended up talking with one of the Metro attendings who was standing by the boom gate. She probably noticed my tired and unamused expression and very sincerely expressed an "I'm sorry for any inconvenience this caused you this morning".

The sincerity of her apology immediately softened my heart and really moved me, especially considering that it was in absolutely no way her fault, or even Metro's for whom she was apologizing on behalf of. In the face of poor circumstances, I've learnt that the kindness of a stranger can really make such a difference. Thank you dear lady, for shedding light on me today. :)

Furthermore, as I was finally on my way to Franga, I thought about that verse I just read yesterday, battling with God about it, close to Instagram-ing something about it.. when I realized I should keep working on it with Him first before making any sort of declaration on social media. As I walked out of that train station, I saw this lady with the most eccentric hairstyle I have ever seen in real life - an afro that was standing straight with this gaping cavity in the middle.. it looked like a huge, frizzy molar. I couldn't help but smile as I saw that, and with surrender in my heart, I thought, "Okay fine God, You win. :) "

I then actively made a choice to make today a better day, that a crappy morning does not have to mean a crappy day.

I ended up in theatre and bumping into the fifth year there just as I was leaving (from lack of direction since I was so late), who invited me in to surgery. I got to watch two interesting surgeries today and then end at noon too. :)

At this point, I considered making a trip down to the beach at Franga to just relax for a bit (because face it, the beach ALWAYS makes things better) and then maybe get some shopping done before heading home. I even considered taking the bus to Mornington, simply because that has been something on my bucket list to do while still on placement at Frankston. I pondered this thought aloud in a room with some friends, and one friend was keen to go on a spontaneous beach adventure too.

We ended up driving a short distance to Mt Eliza and just enjoying this incredibly beautiful and relatively secluded beach. The sound of the waves and the amazing feeling of sand and sea between my toes.. I loved it. I really do love the sea so much. :)

Not only that, I was inspired today too to really push through till finals, doubling, tripling my effort in my studies right now till I cross the finish line for this year. My blessings didn't even end there, for after that soothing time on the beach, I got to have one hour of studying that was more productive than most other times I have tried to sit down and study.

AND, God gave me two rainbows to be amazed by today, and a reminder of the recent promise He made over my life regarding fruitfulness.

Also, I later realized what a blessing in disguise not having my phone to use today was. For the first time in a long time, I was completely free, away from constantly checking social media in boredom, away from various group whatsapps, away from all connections from the virtual world really. It was an amazing sense of freedom I had forgotten. My only bummer was that I couldn't take a picture of the beautiful view today, to keep and to share. Yet.. I'm glad now that I didn't. Some things are best kept just in my memories, and some thoughts better expressed in just words. There was something special about visiting this absolutely beautiful place and not having a picture to remember it by.. because that's what I always do- I whip out my camera before really taking it all in and lose my precious moment to a nice photograph.

Being without my phone taught me today to live in the moment and focus, for there will be time for reflection later on. Right now, it looks like probably a week or so before my other forms of communications are resumed - whatsapp, instagram, snapchat, speedy facebook message chat checks, even emails.. and while this would ordinarily be disastrous, God is showing me something He wants me to see in this time, and trust me, my perspective is being slowly changed by His grace.

I'm sorry if I miss your messages over the next few days, but I'll be here.. savouring this freedom. :)

...

So, thank You Papa, for giving me such a precious day in the end. Thank You for reminding me that I have friends I can count on for strength and moments of encouragement, and for challenging me to never let a bad circumstance or attitude ruin a whole day. Thank You for showing me what it means to have joy in You, and for pushing me to shine when so much of my stubborn human nature refused to. 

Thank You for believing that I can be better than who I am right now, and in every area of my life too.

Thank You for life, and.. for one of those days where it is so easy to express all my gratitude because of the enormous grace I have been shown.

Blessed,
Dice

Ebb and Flow

It's an amazing thing for me to stop moving and see how much the world had moved with me. 

There are the major milestones most of us, if not all of us, have achieved in these past few years - leaving high school, entering university, living away from home, driving, first relationships, first jobs, engagements, taking steps closer to our dreams.. and then there are the minor ones I discovered too - wearing makeup, learning to cook and bake, travelling alone and dealing with bills.

Maybe this is but the mark of youth, that these milestones are many and close together, and that once we get married and have children, we will focus on their milestones instead.

I stop moving, because I want to savour this feeling of knowing that really, the rest is still unwritten.
I stand before a blank canvas, handed a paintbrush and many colours to work with, something I have come to realize, is an enormous blessing.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;"
- William Shakespeare

Life really is moving so quickly around me. My sister is engaged to be married next year, the boys I went to college with are graduating in a year and applying for jobs, the girls I had sleepovers with as a young teenager discussing life and well, dreamy, nice guys, are in the midst of new relationships and the people I remember as children in my memories are pursuing their dreams and some even living them out already.

I don't know what my point is. Tonight, I am simply in awe.. at how life ebbs and flows, and while some things may live on in our memories, most moments are gone as we experience them, for there is no turning back in life. All we have, is now.. and then what lies ahead.

One day, I believe that I'll be in heaven with Papa and be able to see time like He does, and experience love and joy on a whole new level that is currently limited by my humanity.
But until then, I am so very grateful to live life as humanly as I do now, appreciating the moments for they are gone too quickly and being amazed in what little capacity I have to understand the truth behind our creation. I love that I get to love imperfectly, mess up, break little rules and experience all that within this context put around me.  I love that I get to watch the people around me do so too.

There's only one quote I feel is appropriate to end this raw post, something a friend told me would get me good marks on any English essay.

"It is the transience of life that gives it its beauty."

So true.

Love,
Dice

With Just One Touch

Yesterday at church, I was blown away by the presence of God around me.

It's funny how when I re-read my old posts, I'd always say that He knew what I needed when I needed it, yet to have it happen again and be reminded.. I stand humbled and in awe.

It's been a strange few weeks, and I found myself needing words of encouragement myself, and being more emotional than usual.

But.. He knew. He always knows, and He always provides. :)

I served with the guest services team (officially) yesterday for the last time. Everyone who was there before service began surrounded me and laid their hands on me, declaring a blessing while simultaneously speaking life into my circumstances. Some of the words that were said out loud made me tremble in the physical because it had such great spiritual implications for this season that I am currently in. I was moved to tears and any attempt to hold them back were completely in vain. Here I was, surrounded by people who chose to honour me for the time I spent serving with them, yet they were all probably the most selfless, servant-hearted and humble people I know. They honoured me for something they did better than I did, and in a moment of revelation later, I realized that that is what God does as well. He rewards my every sacrifice when He made the biggest sacrifice of all for us. He commends my giving when His giving is beyond extravagant. How good is He? Like seriously.

But yea, back to the ushering room.. I felt extremely blessed in that moment. I felt like I just wanted to sit somewhere and keep crying, not out of sadness or heaviness, but simply how moved I felt by the enormity of His love and presence. Still, those tears had to wiped away and big girl shoes put on, cause people needed ushering in! :)

Once third service began and I joined the congregation in singing unto God.. those tears began to fall again. By the end of the night, I had probably started and stopped crying about.. six times? I didn't even know why exactly, but deep down, I could feel Him working something new in my spirit. At one point, I thought I heard Him say that He was marking me, branding me with Himself.

Oh.. the words that have been spoken over my life this weekend that have brought me so much joy and tears. He really is such a generous Papa and I lack nothing. :)

As I stood at the back of that darkened middle aisle, with tears streaming and a huge smile, one thought resounded in my mind:

"This is where I want to be. Just here, with You."

At one point that service, I realized the majesty I stood before, the astounding, amazing and glorious majesty I was in the presence of, and I had to fall to my knees, I just had to. I never understood people who could feel that reverent of God in my earlier years, because God has always just been like a buddy to me that I could play with and have brownie points with even when He's mad. Trust me, I received a new understanding as I fell to my knees. To just be at His feet.. I could ask for nothing more amazing.

I love being with Him so much, and so much more than I did when I was a younger Christian. Nobody can move my heart like He does, and nobody can make me laugh and cry at the same time while feeling this overwhelming sense of wholeness. Oh the joy that comes after all those tears.. it is my sincerest wish that one day you would get to experience it too if you never have before.

So.. no matter what happens next, I'll be okay. :) Even if there are new storms to brave and new mountains to conquer, I'm not alone and I have no reason to fear. He's got me. :)

With much joy,
Candice

Choose

Today I encountered the public pain of an acquaintance. I wanted to say something, but hesitated with fear that my words would be deemed shallow and irrelevant.

And then I remembered a friend, whom when she first found out about my condition (by accident), offered to go for medical appointments with me and a listening ear anytime. We weren't even close friends at all, but she made the choice to step up to be a good friend to someone who was in need.  Though she was not the first person I would have gone to when I struggled, her one kind act which ignored the ideas of "we've never talked about such personal things" or "it'd be weird for me to offer" really did move me so. I still think of that today and feel extremely blessed.

And there was another friend too, whom I haven't talked to in years. After reading my earlier blog post, she sent me a Facebook message to show her concern and assure me that I was in her prayers. To be honest, I would have hesitated to say anything had the roles been reversed, simply because we haven't been friends in such a long time. I would have thought that it was okay for other people to say something, but that I didn't deserve to since I haven't even been there for her all this while. Not that I thought that of her at all, but I was very moved that she chose to ignore "social politics" or even guilt,  and just say something, even if it was just "hey.. I do care".

So.. why do we let such insignificant things hold us back from speaking life into another person's circumstance?

Why do I?

This I know, after encountering twice (even in simple situations such as these) people who would choose to love regardless of whether they'd get a harvest in return or not.. I cannot afford to be afraid to speak up and offer strength. There is so much more to lose when I don't speak than when I do, and therefore I would rather be seen as the friend that cares too much than the one that doesn't care at all.

If I don't speak light into the darkness around me, then who am I waiting for to do it?

Tonight, I feel challenged to love others more extravagantly. I feel inspired to never be held back by the fear of the opinion of others, but rather to step out in faith each time believing that something good will come out of it.

And I chose to share this here tonight because well firstly, I wanted to honour those two girls who loved greatly in their small acts. I was really really blessed by you two. :)

But more than that, I wanted to challenge you too, to be the change in your environment.

Say something encouraging if you see someone hurting, give when you encounter need, smile when the world is downcast before you and set a fire by your spirit that will bring light and warmth to all around you. 

The answer to a better world is YOU. It's ME. 
It's US, each one of us, doing what little we can every day. 

What it takes, is that we simply... choose.

Inspired,
Dice

Elsewhere

I miss running in the rain with mud between my toes, and feeling so free, more 'me' than ever before.

I miss holding little hands in my own, and being able to love on children who need more of it.

I miss being able to do something good with the works of my hands, and watching the smile on my face be reproduced in the faces around me.

I miss singing praises unto God with the locals and experiencing the pureness of His love.

I miss really really consciously knowing that I was walking in God's desire for my life.

...

I know that I'll get that chance again one day, that I have a different purpose for now, called here for such a time as this.

Realistically, I'm too occupied nowadays to think about how much I miss these things. But tonight, as I read the account of a friend living in her dreams as a missionary doctor and I look back at my short glimpse into what I've always wanted to do.. I remember. And as I remember, I miss.

Truth is, I live a good life right now. I am extravagantly blessed to reside in a first world country and treat myself to things like a new dress or hot chocolate when I really want to. I have more things than most other people in the world. I don't live in lack.

Here's my secret though - Somedays I look around, and ask myself if I can give all this up to pursue that dream.

...

As I grow older, I understand more of what "all this" entails. If I'm really honest, I'll say that it scares me too, sometimes. It's not always an easy choice, especially when to say or to think is easier than to do, but everytime.. one memory, just one moment of reflecting into my spirit is enough to give me enough passion and courage to say yes, I will go.

Tonight, my heart is elsewhere, lost with the sound of children's laughter and the satisfaction of a purpose fulfilled. 

Yet.. I am still at peace in knowing that God has already prepared the path before me. :) I don't want to be guilty of looking back at that 2 1/2 weeks of PNG and thinking that that's the most I'll ever have from this dream, but rather to keep looking forward with expectation, knowing, that my best days are still ahead of me.

Because they are. :)

May I never grow too comfortable to chase after my dream, and may I never fall in love with my ministry more than with the One who gave it to me.

...

I know I have written countless posts on this topic, round and round with the same message.. but I will keep doing it, because these posts especially, I write for myself. 

I write to remember, to release the fire, and to keep believing in my dreams even if the world chooses not to.

I write because it helps me see the truth, and with that clarity I rediscover my courage and peace. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Still dreaming,

Dice

My Heart Is Full

God is so good, and today I am beyond thankful to have and appreciate beautiful moments in life. :)

My heart is full and my spirit joys within me. :)

No Turning Back

I listened to this on the bus ride back to Clayton today.. and felt so moved. It spoke so much to me, about the life I have lead and the life I want to pursue.

...

Christ is enough for me, Christ is enough for me.

If you had walked in my shoes these last couple of years, and been through what I've been through, there would be absolutely no question why I am able to say that without hesitation.

A memory that I have been itching to share for some reason, is the first time I had to get a brain scan just to make sure things were okay. I admit, I was scared, I hated that I was alone, I did not want any intravenous contrast and I did not want to be there. As I got onto the bed, I held on to the only One who has been there for me my whole life. It took me a while, but I eventually saw that He held my hand through it all, and that He could and would silence the fear in my spirit. His peace flooded through me, and at that moment.. I knew, that Christ is enough for me. Always have been, always will be. :)

I am so grateful to have lived the life that I did. I am thankful for the heartache, the challenges and the storms within that have brought me here and made me who I am today. Through living, I have learnt to count on my Father in Heaven, to find joy in every situation and with each day, my eyes are opened more and more to how truly adored and loved I am by Him.

I would not want to trade that life for any other. :)

...

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.

Looking back on life, my most joyous moments were when I was so close to God, when I stepped out in faith over and over and enjoyed being obedient. I remember those moments as when my life felt so full, and whole. I think of Kaia, of Koivi, Uncle Ah Yap, and Sabrina.. and I smile. I haven't been like that in a while. Most days I get too caught up with life stuff to remember my purpose to bless those around me in the littlest ways, a kind word, or a generous encounter.

I remember being 13, and learning to do devotions for the first time. I'd go into my sister's empty room and sit on the bed, and just read the Bible. I remember praying, and trying to build that intimacy with God that I have been hearing so much about. I remember those baby steps. :)

It's amazing isn't it? How those 7 years were not insignificant in God's eyes, and that He remembers every single time I promised to follow Him. I love reflecting, and seeing Him with His little chisel and hammer, making me into something beautiful, more like Him every day. :)

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."
  - 2 Corinthians 3:18

...

Some days I talk in circles and make little sense. Perhaps today is one of them.

I enjoy writing these posts though, cause they're just.. raw, honest, sincere thoughts.

I pray you were blessed by it in some way! :)

Love,
Dice

Blessings

One of my friends offered me a lift home today without me even asking, and on the ride home appreciated that my blog has an "I'm so blessed" trend.

Well, you were my blessing today! Thank you for the ride and engaging conversation along the way. :)

Happy Birthday Papa

Before the clock strikes midnight back home, I just wanted to wish a very happy birthday to my precious papa who always let me hold his hand and taught me so much in life by living out an example for me. Thank you for all the sacrifices you've made for me and Grace Che and Bea Che, and for showing me what it means to put 100% in everything, as well as the value of pure hard work.

I am so blessed to call you my daddy. 

Love you so much daddy, and happy birthday once again! :)

Of Promises

Yesterday, as I was washing up my dishes, I suddenly looked up and saw a huge rainbow in the distance.

I immediately broke out into a smile, because it didn't even rain yesterday, and it felt like God was just showing off to me because He can. He gave me such a simple, thoughtful gift for no reason.

""It shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud; and I will remember My covenant which is between Me and you and every living creature of all flesh; the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. The rainbow shall be in the cloud, and I will look on it to remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.""
- Genesis 9:14-16

"Now it happened, on a certain day, that He got into a boat with His disciples. And He said to them, "Let us go over to the other side of the lake." And they launched out. But as they sailed, He fell asleep. And a windstorm came down on the lake and they were filling with water, and were in jeopardy. And they came to Him and awoke Him, saying, "Master, Master, we are perishing!" Then He arose and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water. And they ceased, and there was a calm. But He said to them, "Where is your faith?" And they were afraid, and marvelled, saying to one another, "Who can this be? For He commands even the winds and water, and they obey Him."
- Luke 8:22-25

...

Some days are raging water days.

And on those days, you may feel angry, anxious and exhausted. You may feel the need to get up and fight in self-defense.

With God, I always feel like He lets me take it out on Him until all that fight is gone, and all that's left is His peace. After all, in that boat, He was right there. In my life, my rainbow, my very promise.. is right there as well.

Once more, I find my peace again. I find Him, right next to me, never having left my side at all.

Some days are raging water days.

But those days are the days that we get to see Him calm the storm and be reminded of who really is in control. Those days are days for rainbows, miracles, trust, resilience and pure faith. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

...

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast. I will sing and give praise."
- Psalm 57:7

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."
- Exodus 14:14

Still standing,
Dice

The Calm Before The Storm

At the very least, I'm grateful to have had that.

God is good, all the time. :)

And Once More I'm Thankful

These past two weeks.. I've been getting small pockets of encouragement from various people who read my previous blog post. I just wanted to say.. that I am so thankful for all of you, for the hugs in passing and the whispers of strength. :)

So blessed,
Dice

The Next Lesson

Be as stubborn as you must to silent the voices that give you permission for living a mediocre life. 

Instead, choose joy, choose to hold your tongue, choose letting go, choose faith, choose optimism, choose to stand up and fight once more. Choose never to succumb to the ways of the world, but instead set a new standard for living that will challenge and inspire others.

This is my next lesson to learn.

Without Regrets

My biggest dream is to be asked this question when I'm 90, and be able to smile with joy and say..
"Absolutely nothing".

Blessed,
Dice

Some Days

Some days, you just need some inspiration.

And then I randomly came across this picture, which just completely stole my heart away. 

I am inspired once more. :)

I pray you are too. 

Because when you look closely around your life, you will discover that inspiration is everywhere.

Love,

Dice

See You Soon Love

And the last thing she said to me before she entered the car was, "Don't forget to eat your medicine okay?"

One of the many reasons why I love this girl. Just because.

I'll see you soon love. :)

Unending Grace

It's been a very sleep deprived week for me, and by Friday, I was not coping well anymore. I was falling asleep in surgery (while retracting a man's abdomen), in class, on the way to Coburg and to be honest, I was feeling very grumpy from the sum of early mornings and late evenings. I hated feeling grumpy too, which made me feel even worse.

I needed rest. I needed a solution.

And then today.. Popsy was discussing her placement for the next two weeks at Franga with me, and spontaneously offered to drive there half an hour early so that I don't have to sit public transport for a bit. It came as a surprise to me, but oh the joy I felt in that moment.... I was so thankful.

Despite it being such a tiring week, I have experienced so much of God's goodness this week, and what happened today showed me that He's not done blessing me yet. I truly stand in awe of my Heavenly Father who cares so much as to provide for my every need (transport being something I believed for earlier this year and am so amazed to see come to pass).

I am so very blessed, and it seems the more I count my blessings, the more things I find to thank Him for. :)

Love,
Dice

Unprecedented Favour

Since the leadership conference last weekend, I truly feel like God has been pouring out favour on me on a whole new level.

Bill Johnson shared then about this time he stopped to look at a fisherman's flask on a magazine for a few seconds and decided that he didn't need it though he liked it. A few weeks later, someone unknowingly got him that as a gift. At that point, all he could think was, "Seriously God?? This was at the bottom of my wants list, yet You care about it?"

Hahaha, it was a nice story.. but God's cheekiness was something I would experience for myself the following week.

Come Tuesday morning, I rushed onto the train and suddenly thought of drinking black coffee. I usually drink my coffee with milk and that occasionally makes me feel bloated, so I was just wondering what black coffee would be like. I soon forgot that thought. Then, later that day, I went for a multidisciplinary oncology team meeting at the hospital and one of the residents encouraged me to grab some coffee and free food for all participants in the corner. I happily went to indulge and took one of the many cups in the box. I took a sip through the hole in the lid, and guess what.. it was black coffee.

And then I had a tutorial that evening that would run till about 5.30pm, which meant that the earliest I could reach home by public transport was 7pm. Before I went for my tutorial, I arranged with a friend to take me back to her place so I could take one straight train home instead of my usual bus, train, bus and bus. That would probably take longer than the usual 1 1/2 hours, but it felt safer since it gets dark so early outside nowadays. Then, Ying called me to ask if she and the girls can come visit me as after they went to Dandy, they took a joyride to Cranbourne and realized Frankston was nearby. I got dinner with some of my favourite girls and a ride all the way home that night. :)

And then come Wednesday, my bottom left back gum had been hurting for a while and I decided it may be a wisdom tooth coming out. I considered buying some mouth wash as I heard that that would help, but I did not have the time at all to do so. Also, I had been wanting to eat pancakes but we had no eggs in the house, so I had to do without. That night, Dys moved into our house temporarily with all the stuff she was gonna bring back to Indo for good, and things she wanted to give away. Would you have known it... she pulled out a bottle of mouthwash and half a bottle of pancake mix and asked us if we would mind taking it off her hands for her. This is not the first time I have thought briefly about something that week and received it, so I am going.. "seriously God??? Hahhha, what is this??? Thanks !"

And then I needed to reschedule a blood test for this week but my days are all 7am to 5pm, which meant I had no time to get in done during working hours near where I live. Most likely, I would have to get it done on early Saturday morning then, before my other plans. On Thursday, as I was prepared to go for lunch before my 3pm class, the lecturer comes running into the room at 1pm saying that we have to finish the class quick as she has to go home and look after her kids. I finished class at 3pm on Thursday and managed to get my bloods done this week.

And to top it all of, tonight PlanetUNI is having Christmas in July in Coburg, which I estmiated would take me 2 hours to get to by public transport from here. And yea, you guessed right, God came through AGAIN. Aaron came by our house yesterday to drop off garlic bread for tonight and stayed for a cup of coffee, and soon we were all discussing transport for tonight... and as his office is just nearby, he offered to give me a lift. :)

Something shifted for my spiritual life last week, I really feel it. And this unprecedented favour that is upon me now.. it leaves me in awe and so, so speechless. Sure, I have had some really sucky things happen to me this week as well, but the good in my life far outweighs the bad.. everytime. I am so very blessed indeed. :)

Love,
Candice

Can't Believe I Forgot To Mention This

At tonight's service.. God was moving so incredibly powerfully. 

I was moved to my knees and cried out the only prayer I had left to pray.. "Daddy. Daddy. Daddy" I couldn't say anything else, I could only call after Him and ask Him to fill and restore me. At that moment, the congregation fell quiet and shortly after, this extremely beautiful and out of this world harmony began in that place. It was amazing, and after hearing Fly by Jason Upton, I knew what it was. The cynics here will continue on in disbelief, but I know what I heard out loud and felt in my spirit. From the moment it appeared my face began to burn. It was the sound of angels singing their praises unto God. Just.. WOW. I can't believe I forgot about something so amazing because so much else happened tonight, until my sister told me some of her friends heard it too. WOW. I.. have no words left to describe what happened in that place tonight. It is truly an experience like no other.

Also, SO MANY people were healed tonight. It is such a joy to have been part of the congregation at all, praying and believing for deaf ears to be opened, metal parts to disappear, organs to be replaced and basically all sickness to be gone. How amazing it is that God would entrust us with His Holy Spirit and give us the authority to pray for the sick and watch miracles happen, just as Jesus did. I will never forget the face of this man John today as he moved his shoulder after we prayed for him. He was just exclaiming in amazement, "Fantastic, this is SO much better!"after carrying pain in there for the past two to three months.

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
Because the Lord has annointed me
To preach the gospel to the poor,
He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To preach deliverance to the captives,
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty those who are oppressed,
To preach the acceptable year of the Lord."
- Luke 4:18-19

"Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you."
- Luke 10:19

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's."
- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

AHHH, SO SO BLESSED. :)

Love,
Dice

Little Happy Things

A lot more people have adopted the habit of calling me dice, something that used to be reserved only for my family and piano teacher. It makes me smile.. every time. :)

Today, I asked God if I should go for Pastor Bill Johnson's 4.00pm service. After much silence, a still small voice said, "If you go, you won't regret it."

I didn't regret it. Not a single bit.
And I made that decision after just ten minutes inside and seeing the place bursting with people and prayer.

God is so good, isn't He? :)

Love,
Dice

And All Who Touched Him Were Healed

I've been debating with myself for a while now whether sharing this story online was something I wanted to do, or rather.. dared to do. But then, all of today, I kept hearing these words over and over from God.. "Tell your stories, cause they speak not of you, but of Me." So.. I choose to obey.

After all, this isn't really my story. This is His story that simply happened through me. Here goes.

...

About 2 months ago now, I was preliminarily diagnosed with a rare blood disorder called Essential Thrombocythemia. 

Statistically, I am 1/30,000 - 50,000. And not only that, as a rare enough disease, it usually presents in people above 60.

Up to that point, I had been experiencing various nonspecific symptoms including a consistent and unusually high blood pressure. So after a couple of other tests and examinations, I was scheduled for a blood test.

Two days later, on a Monday morning, I received a call from my GP insisting that I had to see him that very day regarding strange results with my blood.

On my journey back from Frankston, I wondered what could be so serious. I had vague suspicions of the worst case scenario but that hour was dedicated to wondering and praying, praying that whatever it is, I will have the strength to endure and that He will be lifted high.

A few moments after meeting him, terms like chronic leukemia and essential thrombocythemia were mentioned with much sympathy. I discovered that my platelet count was four times what it should be, and in the absence of a better explanation such as inflammation or infection, I had either one of the two conditions.

I was scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy the next Monday.
I've only ever seen bone marrow biopsies done in movies, although I have briefly learnt about them. I knew they insert a big needle into your bone, but that was about all I knew.

At this point, my family decided to send my mum over without a return air ticket to care for me for as long as necessary. My mother, who has never left the country alone before. I am so very grateful she came after all, cause she (and my sister) helped me walk slowly after the procedure, cooked for me, helped me clean the house and just.. offered family support. Paps and Ta Jie were incredibly supportive too, and I really do owe so much to them four. Thanks guys. :)

Well, that was the worst of it, the point where me and my family were most worried. Hardly anybody else knew what was going on with me (as told by me and not my family) at this point of time, because it was too close to my heart to share out so easily. Even now, still only a select few really know this story.

But anyways.. time passed.

I began a form of chemotherapy to kill the excess platelets, but don't worry, it wasn't the crazy kind you see in movies with the hair loss and vomiting. I took blood tests every week to monitor the count. I was strongly advised to forgo my vacation plans this mid year to go back to KL, because doctors wanted to keep an eye on me. So.. I decided to be stubborn. :D Thank GOD though, the day I was supposed to fly, I discovered that my platelets were already half of the original crazy amount. I was heading the right way! :)

All that was left was the result of the biopsy, that would show if it was in fact, chronic leukemia.

...

I have so many people to thank for looking out for me in this time. Obviously, there was my family and even extended family that showered me with a lot of love and care. I am thankful, to see my extended relatives grow closer with my family as well, all just because I was a bit ill. I am really spoiled. Haha :)

I am so grateful for all the prayers that have been said for me, by friends and family, especially that from Bea Che at the hospital before my biopsy, for courage and peace, and from my future je fu Samson a week later, claiming healing for me in the name of Jesus. Also, how cool is this, Pastor Debbie received a word of knowledge from God the Sunday that I left that God wanted to heal people with bone marrow disorders. How spot on is God! :) I LOVE that He cares so much to reveal things like this to my pastors and then get the whole congregation praying along.

My biggest testimony from all of this really, is having the peace of God with me throughout everything. I knew those dear to me were very worried, which made me wonder if I should be too, if something was wrong with me for not being afraid of illness, or even death. Now I know though, it's all Papa God just being like.. totally cool and in control of everything.

I knew I had nothing to fear because there had already been multiple prophecies made over my life at different times and by different people all resounding the same message, that there is a future for me to live out my dreams for the glory of God, to share His love to the poor and the broken.

One of the most significant ones ever made over me even mentioned Psalm 23:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

   - Psalm 23:4

"So.. why choose fear?"

   - Rent, The Musical

I still wondered though, I admit. What if my life really is shortened by this? "Then to live is Christ and to die is gain."But, what is the purpose for this? It doesn't seem big enough to worry excessively about nor small enough to ignore."What the enemy intended for evil, I intended for good. I have a plan for your life."

Again I say, that my greatest joy was having His hand to hold through everything, the good and the bad. We are blessed not because we have nothing to endure, but because He remains by our side in every situation. Time and time again, He would overwhelm me with His love and assure me that everything was going to be OK.

Also, this has showed me what things are like from a patient's perspective, something I believe will be very valuable in my future. I must never forget how vulnerable and even lonely sometimes, it can be in the hospital when you wear a hospital gown and not an ID. I am thankful and so very blessed to have experienced this.

I know I have a million more good things to say from all of this, but I can't remember them now. HEH. :) Will update if I remember.

...

Oh and..

Coming back from the doctor today, I am happy to announce that my bloods are now within the normal range and that my biopsy was all clear too! :) Praise God!

This means for me that things are stable and not too much of a worry anymore.

I am, essentially, in the pink of health! 

Being a medical student, I am supposed to be bound within reason and logic. For example, I am better now because I took the appropriate medication. I am a product of chance that the drug had no severe side effects on me and worked very well to treat me. I am just 1 in 30,000 that for some unknown reason was a bit unlucky.

I believe that.. but all within my faith. I do believe I was chosen to carry this for a while for a reason, perhaps to encourage others and show them who God really is, what He can do. Even to be in Australia when this happened and have it mostly covered by my student insurance, to have access to medication, to not have any genetic mutations in my bone marrow, to have this happen in the chill-est point of my medical career, to be able to achieve remission which in my research, is quite uncommon after just two months of treatment.. I know for a fact that the hand of God was, and is upon me. I believe that I am healed in the name of Jesus. I believe that I am well taken care of in the kingdom of God. My Heavenly Paps is so, so good to me!

Right now, I am not under misguided optimism that this is the last of this particular struggle, nor am I afflicted with paranoia that at any moment I am gonna have complications and stop breathing.

I am simply choosing to live, as I have always felt was my favourite way of living, with joyful hope and optimistic faith.

Because face it, I have too much in life to be thankful for to let this stop me from living my life to the full. :)

With so much love,

Candice

Here's To Firsts

When I finally become a doctor, I'll look back at this picture and remember the excitement I felt from getting to wear scrubs for the first time. :)

And.. tomorrow I shall try a smaller size. Haha. :)

A Day For Miracles

Today, I walked the streets of KL and breathed in deep. The haze was gone, the skies were blue and the sun shone brightly.

Today, I missed two monorails because they were too full of people. After that second one, with some frustration beginning to bubble, I prayed for a supernaturally empty train to come next. While the big screen said that the next train would be coming in 6 minutes, it in fact arrived barely a minute after I exhaled that prayer. And would you know it.. I managed to get a seat in a supernaturally empty train  compared with the two canned-sardines trains prior.

Today, I found out that my health was improving greatly after a few weeks of being ill. But even though this miracle presented today, the peace of God that never once left my side has been my daily miracle.

And all I have left to say is.. how good is my God? :)

"The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

- Zephaniah 3:17

So blessed I can't contain it,
Dice

In Search of Adventure

I am really thankful for this bunch of friends right here. :) 

Though we're short of a few more familiar faces and gained a few too, there's this sense of home and community that's ever present when we meet. 

I love them because they remind me how blessed I am to be a Malaysian, that there is so much beauty and life to be found everywhere, especially in the places that most people have given up on. They are constantly hungry for a fresh, new adventure, intending to seek one out whenever possible. In my trips with them, I have always returned home to KL with a new love for Malaysia and new eyes to see how precious the culture and people here are.  

I will forever remember them as the crazy ones who visited the deserted National Zoo with me, would spontaneously drive to Istana Negara for a look-see, carried a 5 kilogram fish, appreciates the joy in having 1 dollar tau fu fah, stayed in a cheap guesthouse and braced dirty toilets together, crossed the river via a ferry to Thailand unexpectedly for a short walk and usually had random conversations with the town locals too.

But what I like best about them.. is that they bring out the traveler in me, and without words, are able to encourage me to never stop pursuing life itself, and all that it has to offer. They remind me of the person I want to be. :)

So thank you guys, for being just the way you are.. and for a great Ipoh trip too. :)

Love,

Dice

Late Night Thoughts

Today, a good friend of mine told me that I have always been strong, and to keep being strong.

Strength was never really a first line word I would use to describe myself. After hearing that, I inevitably reflected a bit more on my life and past circumstances. I thought of the recent struggles that were laid out before me.

At first, I chose to hide a lot of what I was dealing with from the people close to me. It wasn't necessary, I thought, for them to know. I soon realized that this has always been how I dealt with the situations that worried me most.

However, after talking with several people, I'm beginning to see what my friend meant, and how God can use this for good. Maybe.. sharing my story will do others good. Maybe.. a testimony of overcoming will inspire others to hope. Just maybe.. talking about myself doesn't have to mean I'm bragging, but can rather present as an invitation to press on and move mountains, because if I can hang in there, then they can too.

So, here's my two cents about hardships that I've learnt along the way. They aren't curses, they're gifts. Too often people start blaming God when they come along simply because well, it's uncomfortable and abnormal. I know, because I am guilty of it too. If only we could see every time we endured, that hardships were all along nothing more than precursors to greater things, like patience, strength, love and faith. It's but a premature bigger gift. I can vouch for this, that I would not be who I am today had I not been given the opportunities to endure, grow and overcome. With each day lies a new chance to become a better person.

One thing I love telling people is this - that at any point, God can change my circumstances around. The fact that I'm still here despite my faith and my prayers is because there's still something I need to learn or do.

Isn't it almost exciting then? He brings forth a new challenge just like a father teaching his child to ride a bicycle, by taking off the training wheels when the time is right. Or, like the mama bird that nudges her babies off the nest when she believes they will finally fly.

Hopeful,
Dice

Better

For the past couple of weeks, I've been dealing with circumstances that I never expected to encounter. For the most part, I have just taken it a day at a time, not thinking more about it than I have to.

I have never blamed God for this.. but on another thoughtful train ride, I found myself questioning.. "God, why me? Why this, and why now?"

He told me that He had a plan for my life, and that what the enemy intended for evil, He intended for good.

Today though, I'm thankful. I know I say that a lot, but I really am. I'm starting to see things from His view again and I'm starting to see the potential in this situation to bring so much more good than harm. I see gaining the ability to understand because of personal experience, and I see the bonds between family and friends growing closer. I see a joy that can inspire and yet another opportunity to lean on my Daddy in heaven, knowing that He'll pull me through this stronger and one step nearer to who He has called me to be.

As I sat in church today and took in the message, it hit me once again.. that I dance in the midst of my Father's goodness, that I am so immeasurably blessed and incredibly loved, and that greater things are yet to come.

I've been telling many people this sincerely as an encouragement, that I am excited for the plan God has for their life. For the first time in a long time, I don't just know my future is cared for. I am actually feeling a joy and excitement bubble up from within, for my own life. He's up to something, I know it.

Thank You Jesus, for giving me this life to live, to love You and to just be.. me. :) I can never thank You enough. 

Yet You Stuck By Me

Day Seven: I can jump again. How blessed I am to use that to praise the name of Jesus. He is so good to me.

I haven't been the most faithful, but He, my stubborn Heavenly Father, held on to me anyways.

I've slowly turned my back on Him, but He's been waiting, and at the moment that I needed to run back to Him for peace, for love, for comfort.. I knew that I would run into outstretched arms.

He only ever takes as long to be by my side again as it takes for me to realize that really, He never left at all.

I am so, so immensely loved and blessed. :)