reality

i realized that looking back on old blogspots, i always write about the ups in my Christian walk, and hardly ever about the downs, probably out of shame, or just.. an earthly desire to make a perfect image of myself. but the truth is, i learn more in pain than in good times and greater testimonies come out of that too. truth is, i have been going through some spiritual battles lately, and very often i feel weary, and tired of fighting. and at times when i can't bring myself to believe in what i know in my heart to be the truth, i hear the voices of people from my past, encouraging, prophesying, praying. i hear pastor matt reminding all of us that we are going to be tested, to see if we have really changed for God, to see if what we learnt about spiritual battles have stuck. he also said to be glad when we're tested cause then we know the devil really is scared because he sees the change in us. i hear the one leader in that prayer tunnel saying to me "you have a warrior's spirit, don't give up, keep fighting". i hear various people telling me that God's got a big plan for me, i hear that in my spirit too, so so often. i hear the words in jon's letter saying "failures are only failures when you don't learn from them". i hear all these things, and most days it pulls me through. i really struggle though when the devil attacks these words too, saying things like, they didn't really mean it, or they say that to everyone. still, i know i have a God that WILL FIGHT for me, that with one cry He is by my side. even without the cry He is actually, always. but yea, i guess the point i wanted to make was that the Christian walk isn't easy. if you find it easy, you're probably doing something wrong, or you're getting comfortable. but it does not mean there is no joy in this journey, on the contrary, our God is a God of joy, and of peace, and of blessing. and He always will be.

also, it's been getting harder for me to hear and distinguish God's voice from my own. some days i sit down and try and try and try but i hear nothing. and it frustrates me at first, actually for a long time it did, but now i realize that this is a test of my faith. will i press on until i see results? will i not give up, like what was said over me, until the miracles i am praying for come to pass? do i love God enough to keep trying? am i desperate enough to not accept nothing? and like i said above, some days i don't even wanna try anymore. but i know, that this is where i'm growing. this is the time where i'm being molded and shaped to be a disciple of Jesus Christ and this is the true measure of my character. and you know what, looking from it that way today, i realized, devil, BRING IT ON. i'm not afraid of whatever you throw at me, and even when i can't hear God, i will not falter cause i know He's there. i know He's still holding me, still reaching out to me, and still loving me.

today, i was late for second service, and it made me feel really distressed, and sinful. so in all that eeurghness, i wasn't really absorbing in service, thinking this doesn't apply to me! and today's sermon was on faith. but still, i had a feeling that i should stay for third service as well. so i did, out of faith. and it was good! i was able to go for this service a bit more free and easy, and many things and mindsets were changed, and for now at least, the battle is won. for now. :) God is good. i love how the words in the song Nothing is Impossible spoke so truly to me. "I'm not gonna live by what i feel, cause deep down i know that You're here with me.." so yea anyways, towards the end of the message in second, it struck me, this message speaks heaps about my situation too! haaha it was just a good time in church today la. :P

and i guess something i wanted to say that was on my mind all day was that.. i'm not always fully secure. there are people in my life that i feel will not love me anymore if i make a mistake, if i mess up or just don't make enough time for them. there are people in my life who i care for deeply, but there's that unshakable feeling (whether true or not) that the reverse is for me to earn. and when things start falling apart, i rely on different groups of people for that emotional support. but i realized.. people WILL always eventually fail me, and i too will always fail some people somehow in some point of time. but God. man.. God. He is the ONLY person whose love i never had to earn. i never had to fight to keep it, i only had to fight to keep believing it. how can God so sovereign love me? but when that realization hits you like it did me, you won't be the same again. i have one perfect love in my life. one love, that will NEVER walk away when i'm at my ugliest inside out, when i'm worn out, beaten, bruised, one love that is truly, absolutely, UNCONDITIONAL. and suddenly i feel so secure again. when i immerse myself into His conscious presence, i remember the truth, i feel it, and i know that God is really all i need. and then i also remember that love between people here is not about the number of events i get invited to or go to, it's not the number of friends i have on facebook, or the activity on my wall. it's about the people i can call (if they actually wake up by the call) at any time to just talk about my problems, it's about the simple expression of love - a hug that i get on occasion when i see them, it's about people i can be myself around and really just believing, even if it takes perasan-ness, cause that does take more courage in this case than believing otherwise, that i am loved.

so yea. you know, God is just.. phenomenal. in every season, in every circumstance. thank You Lord, for teaching me new things through this. :)

blessed,
Candice :)