Counting The Cost

There are more important things.

He Calls Me "Enough"

Seek your validation from the world and you will never be satisfied. 

There is no validation without grace, and there can't be grace without sacrifice.

Thank You Papa, for the sacrifice You made on the cross for me, that I can live each day completely soaked in grace, and know that You validate me, You say I am enough. :)

...

My supervising doctor said to me, "How do you know I'm not hearing from God right now?"

He was questioning my understanding of the ways to assess a patient's experience of delusions. In the context of psychiatry, hearing from God is considered delusional, a symptom pointing towards psychosis*.

Maybe by the world's standards then.. I am. 
I hear Him speak to me every single day. I hear Him encourage me, and I hear whispers about the future. I hear the things that He wants me to tell somebody else and I hear my God tell me He loves me.

Regardless of the norms of this world that I too may be subject to, the thought in my mind now is really this:

"Where would I be today, had I not begun to hear Him speak at all? Indeed, where would I be?"

I reckon I'd be totally missing out on life as I know it.

I wouldn't have gotten to see the breakthrough tears flow down faces when the right word came from God through me into their lives. I wouldn't have gotten to laugh with my friend as I faithfully spoke out an almost exact word I did not know before the moment that was actually spoken over her life years before. I would have missed out on hearing time and time again the exact things I needed to hear in that moment, words that spoke so directly to my heart and could move me to trembles and tears immediately. I would not have found my peace with the every day troubles that come with life, and I believe that I would have spent my life searching, and searching for something that remotely satisfied the emptiness within. I don't think I would have found the joy that I carry today at all, nor my hope for the future.

Maybe that belief makes me weak, but the truth is.. I've never felt stronger.

I LOVE that I got to live out this life so early on, and discover the immense liberation that came with my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I LOVE living from testimony to testimony, with healing miracles and divine provisions becoming the new normal, but always exciting nonetheless.

I wouldn't have picked it any other way. :)

Love as always,
Dice

*This actually applies only if it is outside of the acceptable norms of a certain community, but for the purpose of this post and in the context of that conversation, the acceptable norms of my community were disregarded.

Onwards

"If you would prepare your heart, 
And stretch out your hand toward Him;
If iniquity were in your hand, and you would put it far away,
And would not let wickedness dwell in your tents;
Then surely you could lift up your face without spot;
Yes, you could be steadfast, and not fear;
Because you would forget your misery,
And remember it as waters that have passed away,
And your life would be brighter than noonday.
Though you were dark, you would be like the morning.
And you would be secure, because there is hope;
Yes you would dig about you, and take your rest in safety.
You would also lie down and no one would make you afraid;
Yes, many would court your favour."
- Job 10:13-19

To me, this says:

If you would just hold on to Him and keep going, He'll pull you through; He will preserve your joy. 

I'm thankful. :)

Especially so today for the people who are still sowing into my life with encouragements, prayers, long distance letters and last minute visits. My heart is warm. :)

"Lift your eyes! In the midst of all that's going on, lift your eyes, look to heaven and remember it is a mighty God you serve!"
- Isaiah 40:26

Love always,
Dice

"devil, your request has been denied"

Today in church, Pastor Russell talked about this couple in our church who has a 3 year old daughter. One day, mum was reversing the van and accidentally ran over the little girl (not just hit but ran over), and when she got out to see, baby girl wasn't moving. Dad came out the house and started speaking in the Spirit and declaring that everything was going to be okay, and as he laid hands on her and prayed fervently, she began to move again. So the parents quickly rushed her to the emergency department and were told that there would be significant internal injuries with this kind of accident.

Her parents kept praying outside and dad especially, kept going "devil, your request has been denied. devil, your request has been denied!"

When the doctor had completed the tests, the whole medical team was baffled, stating that this was impossible. The little girl had nothing but external scratches from where the van ran her over.

...

Soon after that, Pastor Russell instructed everyone to lay hands on the person on our left and our right and begin to declare the favour and light of God upon them. I put my arms on Lok Yee's shoulder next to me, and felt her arm on the back of my waist.. a spot I am definitely familiar with.

It was where I had my bone marrow biopsy performed on.

So maybe, it's my turn. Maybe I have put up with this sickness for too long and that it's time to pray with the same fervour as that father who just would not give up. "devil, your request has been denied!"

I find it so amazing and overwhelmingly humbling how many people there are in my life who are praying for me right now. Personally, I know I have much further to grow in my daily prayer walk with God, but throughout these past few pretty trying weeks, there have been so many people telling me that they cover me in prayer all the time.

If they can believe in me and my future for God with so much faith, why can't I? In fact, how can I not?

...

I'm so thankful for busy seasons, and difficult journeys. I'm so thankful to be reminded that I need God to keep going, and to know in my Spirit that what Papa always tells me is true - "I flourish in adversity". I'm thankful to feel and to experience and to be able to teach with my life, and to be blessed by so many in this time who are pressing in, pushing me forward, and holding up my hands.

I could not have picked a better life than this one right here, right now.

Thank You, Papa God. :)

Love,
Dice

Real, Raw, Honest

I got angry at God today.

It was over something, that in retrospect, is completely ridiculous but at that point, I was almost fuming from a lot of pent up frustration over the past few weeks.

I completely broke down in worship today. Tears were streaming down my face and I stood there with my arms crossed, refusing to talk to God. I needed some space, and I wanted to let it all out. And so I cried.. until I couldn't anymore.

At that point, with my spirit finally still again, I heard Him speak to me.

"Are you done being angry yet?"

It wasn't a condescending statement, nor did it carry a sarcastic tone.
It was God waiting for me to be ready, understanding enough to let have some time to vent.

 "Yes.. Yes I am."

"Come on here then. I love you."

Oh the weight that left my shoulders then, the liberation that came so unsuspectingly. And amazingly enough, the very next moment, I was in someone's embrace, a young lady I didn't recognize who kept whispering to me "He loves you, He loves you so much."She smiled at me and rubbed my arms. Tearfully, I nodded and thanked her gratefully.

I really am blessed and so well taken care of. 

And it didn't even end there, the day continued on with a kind stranger leaving his running car behind me to help me fix on the metal part of my tyre at the red light, coffee with the lovely Tonia and such timely encouragement, and even more encouragement at the end of the day.

My life is easier than most other people in this world, I know that surely.
And yet, there are those days where raw emotion catches up with me, and the stresses of this world overwhelm me. I don't always feel like talking to God when it does, but every time I do, I never walk away with regrets.

I'll be here to fight another day. Tomorrow will be an even better day. :)

Blessed,
Dice

What A Joy It Is

Probably the cutest thing I have ever made, and I am so blessed to have seen an expression of pure joy from its recipient in return.

After all, what use is a gift, or a talent, if not to bring joy into the lives of others? :)

Don't Hold Back

Funny how just yesterday I was talking about growing older, and its implications.

Because today.. I found myself in the "hot seat" at my GP clinic, interviewing a woman on the brink of her 60th birthday. Not five minutes into this consult, she began weeping and letting out the huge burden she had been lugging around all this while but hid from the world.

Who was I, but a 20 year old? What could I have possibly said to help her believe that everything is going to be OK?

I kept going as best I could, and listened to her because that much I knew, most people just need someone to REALLY listen. After a while though, I didn't know much of what to ask anymore or do in accordance to a GP plan and shot a look towards my GP beside me, who caught the message - "Erm, please help!".

...

I have always been the young one. In many ways I have always felt older than I am, but today I realized, that I also very much feel just.. 19. Ask me how old I am and you may hear me accidentally say 19 without realizing it.

I know that one of the gifts that God has given me is edification and encouragement, something I have been told before on several occasions. And yet, when I leave out the supernatural wisdom that I know is what people encounter when they talk to me sometimes and walk away feeling better, I just feel really.. inadequate. Like really, how much do I know about life? Even talking to some younger than me who have gone through pretty dark things puts me at a loss for words. The worst thing I've probably ever intentionally done with my life in recent years is.. skip class to sleep in. Or perhaps blurt a secret that wasn't mine to someone else. Or stay out late at night to talk to friends and keep my parents waiting up.

I've lived a pretty protected life and I love that I have.. but does that make me somewhat.. unrelatable to a hurting world?

...

Well, I've decided that my prayer is this, that I will be able to keep living my life in such a way, free from temporary pleasures that do not satisfy that I may show the world what life is like with Christ, and what real, unending joy feels like. I pray that my youth will be irrelevant when talking to people of all walks and backgrounds, because of the touch of God upon my life and my tongue. I pray that He will be able to comfort others through me, despite what I may or may not have endured in this life. 

Above all, I pray, that I will never let the inadequacy I feel in my own self stop me from bringing about a change that is bigger than myself, because it is not me but Christ who works in me. 

What a joy to be able to be a part of this. He's astounded me before, with what He can do through me.

Do it again Papa God, I pray. :)

"Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity."
- 1 Timonthy 4:12

Love,
Dice