Takotsubo

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks or a picture falls off a wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or at least some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it is completely silent, and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud it makes your ears ring and your head ache. It trashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub just got taken. That's what it looks like, and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing panicking trapped great big beast roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. 

But that's the thing about love, no one is untouchable."

- Cecelia Ahern, from If You Could See Me Now

Wanderlust

In the morning hours before I even get ready for my evening shift, I started looking through my old photos once again.

I remember PNG, the joy of crashing Eddie's village for a night and meeting such incredibly beautiful people. I remember playing in the mud with children whose giggles never run out, and having the captain suggest playfully that I go up top and get hosed down. I remember telling a whole village that one night about how good my God has been to me. I remember worship nights on the aft deck, and sharing stories wherever we could find space to do so.

And I find my spirit craving it all once again, a new adventure far away, a new journey deep into the places no one else would want to go to, a new story away from the luxuries of life I have grown too comfortable with that I may be challenged to live on the more important things in life.

I think that aside from all that adventure, incredible people, God encounters and purposeful ventures.. one of the things I love best about it all is that I feel the most me when I'm there. I remember coming home after my first trip to PNG, feeling a bit unable to adjust back to the luxuries we have here, but more so than that, feeling more comfortable in my skin than ever before, knowing what it was that I was created to do.

Ahh. My heart is found dreaming once again, of the muddy village trails, more what's the time Mr Wolf, coconut sago and crab, little gleeful hands in mine, and a sense of life so abundantly.

...

Ah Papa God, I can't wait for our next adventure together. :)

...

And yet, if I could choose only one place where I would like most to be this week, without a doubt in mind, I would pick home, to spend the festive season with family.

Maybe that's how I know I'm growing up, moments with family are becoming more and more precious and highly treasured.

Happy Chinese New Year papa and mama. :) I love you both dearly!

Love,
Dice

It's A New Era

My heart is so full. :)

In Recent Times

So. What have I been thankful for in recent times?

I'm thankful for.. reasonably good health and the ability to keep going on this journey. I'm thankful for the promises that God has spoken over my life, even if it can be difficult to faith them out, and for the stories of His goodness that are inspiring me simply by being able to share them with others.

Ultimately, I am so thankful to know the voice of God enough to hear what He is saying to me now.

I'm thankful for friends that have shown up in my life to care for me, comfort, nurture and feed me lately, and a sister who would respond to my strange request of meeting me at my car with a rolled up magazine simply because there was a large LARGE spider crawling across my car.

I'm thankful for the space I have had to breathe and feel as I needed to, for my car (and the rain that washed all spiders off my car) and for a roof to sleep under every night.

I'm thankful for the challenges that are growing and stretching me, and for God's unwavering belief in me.

I'm thankful for family that's always there even if not physically.

I'm thankful for congee, cups of tea, and vanilla chai lattes.

I'm thankful for favour with the people around me, and for really nice patients.

I'm thankful for a church that reminds me that if my God is for me, no one can be against me.

I am so thankful to be alive to live another day, fight another battle, experience another miracle and expect bigger breakthroughs, and to be able to do all that with Papa God carrying me through.

I am so blessed indeed, and thankful, for being able to realize that once more.

Love,
Dice

Where It Begins

So often, all you need is the courage to start with.. "hey."

And therein, find your breakthrough.

Way To The Heart

Mama's congee on a sick day at home - AMAYZING

Kuala Selangor seafood congee
INCREDIBLY DELISH

And not forgetting the legendary classic pei tan sau yuk chuk (century egg congee with pork). Another honorary mention - random ChiangMai hawker stall breakfast congee with soft boiled egg.

Ahh. SO *satisfying*

Even looking at these pictures are making me happy. :) :)

Love,
President of the Congee Fan Club

Walk On Tightrope

It was a very spontaneous decision I made to visit Singapore for a short holiday. I had originally planned to crash with my sister on her vacation and visit several friends here in Singapore,  but by a turn of events, I ended up staying with a friend I met from PNG and spending most of my trip with her and her family.

It was spontaneous, but on the days leading up to the trip, I began to really crave this getaway. This year end, I found myself clouded with so much uncertainty about the life I have chosen to pursue, the choices I made along the way and the weight of all that the future holds for me. I was getting more and more fearful of life, finding it difficult to embrace it as wholeheartedly as I did when I was a teenager. That being said, I found myself afraid of being an adult and of the immense responsibility that came with it. 

And then I came here, and had a ton load of fun doing adventurous things and taking silly selfies. More than just that though, I got to have these incredibly raw and honest conversations about our hopes, weaknesses and callings too. Life can be so, so difficult, but God is ever faithful and good to us. 

As we sat on that boardwalk till late at night talking, and sometimes simply sitting still feeling the sea breeze, I realized that we were back at sea once again.

And at that point, I wasn't worried about getting caught up in the rat race of life anymore. Somehow, I was back on the aft deck of that ship, with an acoustic worship song being played in the background, facing the Papua New Guinean sea and surrounded by people who truly do understand the weight of the things on my heart, because they feel it too. I was back where life was slow, and easy, and so full of unforcing purpose. I was back where I held on tight to Papa's hand and kept on going with life, bright-eyed, hopeful and expectant.

It really was the wave of fresh air that I so badly needed, and I will never forget this trip.

And so.. I got exactly what I needed, and I think I'm ready now to face and welcome in the new year. Time and time again this year I have seen God provide for me, not necessarily what I wanted,  but always , always what I needed. I am so beyond grateful, and humbled that I received this opportunity to travel and be refreshed, to be heard, encouraged, hugged and prayed for, to dive back into the sea with my fellow flying fishes before I leap out into the world once again.

I am so, so well taken care of in this life Papa, I see that now. Thank You. :) 

The athlete and the "garoupa"

All my heart,
Dice