Still Holding On Tight

"The whole idea of valuing the patient is crucial to the training," Brown told me. "Without that change of heart, the temptations are just too great, for power, for prestige, for money. It's everything they've seen modeled. They're well trained now, and they can go push people around, so it energizes me when I see that, with nobody looking, they do the right thing."

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/12/gods-surgeons-in-africa/266635/#slide5

This article was rather lengthy, and I have to admit, I skimmed over some parts too.. but the kind of passion that these people had.. wow. I am blown away by their dedication to love the poor in spirit and help the hopeless. 

When I read an article like that, or hear about missionary doctors elsewhere, something moves in my spirit. It's hard to describe and perhaps harder still for other people to understand, because it is something innately put into my spirit by my Creator. I have met but a handful of people who really understood it because they have already known that feeling within themselves. It is not merely a desire to be a do-gooder, it is simply.. a gentle fire that breathes within and consumes. 

Some people in my life have written off my dreams as childish ambitions, and told me to just see.. that one day I too would settle for a comfortable life and leave those childish things behind. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all, except that for me, I know my calling.

So, yea.. perhaps. Maybe one day I might just end up becoming someone who will disappoint and fail the teenage me who carried the weight of her dreams upon her heart. 

But, nobody but God can have such a say over my future right now and declare where I will end up, not even me. And therefore, believing that this is my call in life, that this has been His purpose for me all along, I will continue to hope. I will continue to believe in the excitement of overcoming the fear of a dirty village toilet, of having rats around, of the unfamiliar. I will move forward even if I am fearful and trust that my God provides. I will continue to hold on to Him, and be willing to go if He says go. 

And at the end of the day, I may still be perceived as naive, even by myself. And so I hang on to this verse:

"Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” Then, gathering the children up in his arms, he laid his hands of blessing on them."

- Mark 10:15 MSG

Not today, not tomorrow, probably not even in four more years or so. 
But.. one day.

I know this because:

"For as the rain comes down and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

- Isaiah 55:10-11 NJKV

So until then, I'll be here. Blooming where I'm planted, yet still holding on tight. :)

With much love,
Dice

Revelation

Maybe.. it isn't that God is not answering your question.

Maybe.. you're simply asking the wrong question and expecting only one of two answers to come. 

Brokenness

The past few days.. have shown me how broken this world really is. People can be so broken inside that it comes out as hate, anger.. indifference. Too many lives have been robbed away maliciously over the past week or so, and it really broke my heart like never before. Maybe.. this has been going on for as long as mankind existed yet only in light of recent events have my eyes been opened. Maybe.. this is what it's like to have my heart break for what breaks His.

What now? After all these tears shed for people I don't even know, how can I forget, how can I possibly move on when people are still suffering? How do I allow myself joy when somewhere else, pain is all that exists?

I really don't know.

This I do know, that I cannot forget. But I can keep hoping.

To all the victims and friends and families of victims of the bombings in Boston and Iraq, 

To Hui Ying and Hui Wei,

To victims everywhere else of injustice and blind hatred,

To victims of the earthquake in China too,

You are not forgotten, and tonight I remember each of you in my prayers. Take heart, for God is with you and He will fight for you. I pray you find healing and peace in this time of grief.

Goodbye Moment

And today I realised.. that I never got to say goodbye to Jim*.

I wish I did.

He used to smile and wave at me as I walked into the wards in the morning, and we'd talk about.. absolutely nothing - the weather, any new tests he needed to get done, his family and the old lady in bed 8 who snored really loudly.

The last time I saw him, he looked a lot more sick than previously, and had family surrounding him.
I decided not to interrupt them and walked away.

I don't know if he'll still be around when I get back to hospital after my 'forced sick leave' or not, but I pray he is well, or will be well.

After all, he did promise to wave to me and say hi if he ever saw me on the streets of Frankston. :)

So Here's An Update

I'm learning a lot as days go pass. Like the actual medical physio- patho- biochem- etc. stuff, but a lot about patients and people too. One thing I've observed for a while now, is that most patients will try to "de-patient-ise" themselves so that they feel less like simply the objects of our trade. Many bring in their own clothes to feel more at home. Like.. Tony*, who told me that he preferred to sit in his chair all day than the bed because it made him feel more like a human being. Rose* today managed to swerve her way out of my medical history-taking practice into talking about life, and our backgrounds (which I was more than happy to because it's been a while since I had an actual person to person conversation instead of a future doctor to patient conversation with a stranger). It was a good talk. :) And ol' Jim*, whose smile dimmed just a hint when I asked him if I could take a medical history after our short casual chat. Now when I see him though, I stick away from the medical student role and keep to a friendly staff role, and it always cheers him up. :) What a joy to be able to be that person for him!

Patients here are often extremely sweet, kind and encouraging people and I love so much working with them. Many of the older patients will call me love, or sweetie, and I have on several occasions received cheeky yet encouraging winks from them too. Today, one of them even told me that she believed I would become a good doctor, and said it with such kindness and sincerity too. I am so blessed.

I had a good day today. My registrar (who for some reason reminds me of a cloud, and no, he does not look fluffy like one) taught us about HIV spontaneously, and the intern in our group gave me a high 5 for successfully collecting blood from a patient in one go.

My life has become so much about what goes on in the hospital. I still enjoy that, and dread the day that I won't anymore. Even so, I can't imagine myself doing anything else but medicine anymore. :)

And.. I got another snapshot last Saturday. It was of a little girl and her younger brother in a small mechanical cartoon ride, with her father holding on to a stand carrying all the fluids getting into her by means of various tubes in her arms.

...

On another note, Planetshakers Conference 2013 was AMAZING. Completely out of this world, especially the third night where the presence of God just erupted in that place. Oh, to be in His presence  and know it is Him, there is NOTHING that even comes close to that feeling. As I worshipped Jesus with the crowd and yet was lost in my personal encounter with Him, I felt Him speak to me about my future. He gave me a glimpse into it as well, and showed me how my dreams would come true, and how He would continue to exceed my expectations every year. He gave me this peace to keep living as I do now, to be myself, carry joy for myself and for others too, and inspire a generation. Some days I really do doubt my purpose and my future, I wonder if I will end up just a deadbeat who neglected her family to advance in her career. And yet.. all that worry just fades away in His presence, all the stress gone as soon as He reminds me with a still voice resounding.. "I got your back".

I am safe in His arms, from every possible threat of the world. 

Much love,
Dice

Plateau

I could use more of You Jesus.

Come, breath of God and fill me up I pray.. please.