You Really Did Leave Me Astounded

As I was studying tonight, my thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the visions I got almost exactly a year ago. I felt the urge to reflect, and read my old journals from that time.

And my goodness.. how much things have changed since then. My emotions were stirring up tears, because I suddenly remembered how tough things were for me last year, how much I had to struggle to hold on to God and call in the favour over my life.

One particular entry stood out to me, and I felt compelled to share it here, with you.

" 21 November 2012

My prophecy was that God would use me to activate others. Maybe this is it, maybe their fruits are my fruits too. But there's still that dissatisfaction within me, a bitter one that says that I've stepped out time and time again yet never seen fruits like theirs before. Am I doing something wrong?

Why is it never me?

I don't want to be the prodigal son's older brother.
I don't want to be ungrateful, or disobedient, or rude.

Yet, I can't help but feel so unfavoured.. maybe my heart was in the wrong place and I didn't know.

Still, the quiet voice within me says that perseverance will have its own rewards.

...

For once though, I wish God would amaze me. Like blow my mind AMAZE me that I fall to my knees in thankfulness. Not that I'm not thankful for what I have, but really.. just once. Well not just once, always. 

I don't want to keep living in the testimonies from months ago."

Even as I type it out again, I feel.. amazed in my spirit at where I am today. How many times this year have I been completely taken away by His goodness over my life? And it's not like I had to try very hard to be thankful, I really was because He poured out THAT MUCH over my life. I can't believe that I was in that state last year, so low, so hopeless.. and yet God didn't give up on me and molded me further. And here I am today, walking in the promises of yesterday.

I am so blessed to have gone through this journey in life. Every struggle, every heartache, every tear cried alone has brought me to where I am standing today. Not yet perfected and nowhere close, with so much left to learn.. but a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser. :)

When I look back on my life.. I see scars. Scars everywhere from the challenges I had to endure by holding God's hands. Some are deeper, but there are smaller ones in various places too.
And today, I can without a doubt say, that I would not have wanted it any other way.

My scars show the world that He heals, over and over again.

You really did leave me astounded God, and I adore You for that so very much. Thank You. :)

Blessed,
Dice

Every Day Is Beautiful

Today, I talked to Bo* because I wanted to perform an examination on him but had to build rapport first as he appeared slightly grumpy. After some small talk, he invited me to sit and we chatted on until he had to go to radiology, at which point he asked me to come back later. I bumped into him on my way back down and promised him I would go and see him again next week. :)

Today, I presented what little I examined of Bo* to an intern, and he got such a kick out of hearing what little I found considering Bo and I talked more than I examined. He kept smiling as I talked, cause what I missed out in investigations I made up for in theory. "You noted he didn't have an IV line.. but if you had more time to look, you would have found the huge vascular catheter in his chest." Anyways, we both enjoyed that.

Today, I saw the patient who nurses have been saying are very grumpy and non-compliant. I had that same impression of him when I first met him as well, but somehow.. every time I smile at him, that frown just becomes a really nice and big, beautiful smile. LOVE moments like that! SUCCESS! Hahah.

Today, I saw another kind-faced patient. There's just so many of them at Frankston, faces I collect in my memory. This man was in bed with high flow oxygen on and in atrial fibrillation, yet he just maintained this cheerful character about him as doctors were talking to one another about what to do next.

It's amazing how these are the little things that make me feel that there is an inexhaustible beauty in this world, the small things that make up the big things that make up each day. There is more to fall in love with every day that I continue to live. :)

Also, on a side note, I find it so funny that my friends, especially Ken and Jay, no longer get excited when I tell them I met a nice guy. Their response now is always immediately "so how old was he this time?". Haha, according to them, I like old men.

Which, as far as strangers with kind faces, friendly greetings and so much life in their eyes go.. they're probably right. :P

May you see more beauty in the world you live in as well. :)

Love,
Dice

Dear God

Have I told You lately that You are so so good to me? :)

Love You!

And Then There Are Those Days

Where everybody around you is grumpy, and you can't be bothered to try to improve anybody's moods. There are days where everything just doesn't go right for some reason, and suddenly every little thing gets on your nerves.

The days where even a large iced chocolate doesn't make things better.

Well, close your eyes, clear your heart, and let it go.
And smile again, because there is a joy within from God that the world can never touch without your permission.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."
- Psalm 118:24

Love as always,
Dice

Not Yet Enough

While on the train to the city today, I overheard a little girl speaking to her mother in Chinese. Her mother was explaining to her that people were going different places, and some to the sea.

Her childlike reply was innocent and excited, "I want to see the sea too!"
"But you've seen the sea before, haven't you?"

"I want to see the sea again, because I have not seen enough of it yet."

I was pleasantly surprised to realize just how much those sentiments reflected my own.

She continued to speak to her mother about little girl things, and I looked out the window and caught a short glimpse of the ocean, a gorgeous shade of green with its waves crashing violently against the shore as the storm provoked it. It was so breathtakingly beautiful.

The best things in life really are free. I only wish I took a bit more time today to get off the train and really savour the sound of the waves and the wetness of the sea on my feet.

I complained quite a bit about the storm and the wind in Melbourne today.. but had I not stopped grumbling and chose to see with different eyes, I would have missed a precious sight - the world around me different, yet still altogether beautiful.

Love,
Dice