stroll down memory lane

today as i was grumbling (yet again) while finding the stickers you stick at the edge of the page (which i didn't find, hence the grumbling), i came across my box of memories(cheesy name, but it fits fine). and it was such a strange, heartwarming, nostalgic feeling reading all the old notes my friends gave me, seeing passes and nametags to events, reflecting on old photos and remembering the meaning behind the miscellaneous other items in that box. and i felt even sadder, that my relationship with most of the inspiring, encouraging, amazing people in my past has already been packaged together nicely into that small box. i hardly, if not don't, have any primary school friends left. well i suppose goo counts. so i hardly have any primary friends left, and worse still, i barely speak to even the closest of my friends from secondary school already. i think this is one of my many bad qualities, that i prefer to live in the moment, and i enjoy being with the friends i have now. and thus, i have lost touch with people that i used to love so much. as i wallowed in my mix of emotions then, i remembered what i wrote in my 24th September letter, that if i am no longer close to my old buddies, to pick up the phone and change things. and so i did just that, putting aside whatever akwardness that might have built up or insecurities that may have come, but just remembered the beautiful moments from my past and with the best hopes, i picked up the phone. :)

this has been a huge worry of mine lately. i mean this year, i have made really incredible friends who have been a total blessing to me, and i am so afraid that my past failures in relationships will precede my future failures. what if i do leave next year and end up losing contact with all the people i so deeply treasure? suddenly i am more skeptical when we talk about things like weddings and graduations, what if the same things that happened then happens again? what if everything we have said simply becomes empty promises? sigh.

but then again i remembered that it's never too late to be who you wanted to be. it's never too late to change, or to make things right again. and so what i have, is a new chance to try again. that when the time comes for me to work at maintaining these relationships, i will be wiser, more determined, more perseverant(is this a word?). and i will ensure that i don't make the same mistakes twice. :)

today i remembered to do what i can now. to always, do what i can in the 'right now'. :) words of wisdom from my sister, change, it begins with me. :)

and, the worry i keep talking about? it isn't completely gone yet. but i am increasingly humbled in knowing that i am small, and God is big. in realizing i have to let go of the reins because there is nothing i can do anymore, but to let God. :)


love,
candice