ooh so much to say but it's all fujumblied. i guess my story this time around started last thursday night, as i was up to do an assignment at 3 am. and just with a lot of stuff that was happening that day, i was feeling really discouraged, like i really just needed encouragement, any little scrap of it to show me i'm loved and appreciated and going the right direction. and i suppose it was in that moment (and other similar ones) of raw vulnerability that the enemy speaks lies into my mind, and have me believe them. lies like i wasn't good enough, God won't forgive me if i mess up one more time, He's gonna take back the future He revealed to my leaders about me, i was never gonna be really loved etc. i know, sob story drama in my head but anyways yea, spiritual attacks like these, they do happen. and i think the first step that's most important in fighting them is actually recognizing that it is one, and not the truth. and now i know and believe, that the only reason the devil is attacking me is because he knows i can be great for God's kingdom in Christ and he's afraid.
That night, i went through old notes and letters, memories from my past. And there were two particular letters (from friends) that brought me to the point of tears. see i couldn't believe it, that people would have so much faith in me, unwaveringly believing that i will have a big future ahead of me, that i will one day do great things for God and His people. i couldn't see that potential in myself and reading those two letters that spoke such honest words of encouragement, i realized i was tricked. tricked into thinking people didn't care or didn't see anything good enough in me. i realized i was loved enormously as well. and i immediately thanked God, for giving me the love of others to fall back on when i feel weak and can't go on anymore. one other letter struck me too, one i wrote two years ago to myself. and it was so strange, hearing this.. kid encourage me. she's saying stuff like, yea i'm gonna sit for spm soon, don't give up on your dreams etc. and i'm like whoa, she believes in me.. how come i can't?
but yea anyways, the next day, i participated in my sister's urban life, and sure enough, with God's hand upon it all, the topic was 'Battlefield of the Mind'. We spoke about the devil our deceiver and how he's trying to break us by just planting that one thought in our heads (so inception! :P) and watch us self-destruct. it was an awesome time i had that night with such a timely word, which we ended with prayer, declaring God's power over all that, and then worship. awesome stuff man. so yea, that's that.. :P chains were truly broken that night Amen! :)
and this weekend i also learnt more about humility. and that i will ALWAYS have something to learn from someone older than me, people who are more experienced than i am. and regardless of how disagreeable and unappealing their characters may be sometimes, there's always something to be learnt, and at the end of it, someone else to pray for. which was a pretty good lesson after all that is gonna be tough to practice but.. very rewarding i'm sure. :)
oh and urbs last wed was freakinnn AWESOME. we did an open hat session where we all got to ask burning questions we never dared ask and thankfully, we had jon to answer all the really difficult ones. i learnt SO MUCH that night and am still so grateful for this second family i have here to lean back on in the good and bad. :)
medball was on saturday! :) it was pretty fun, my two fairy godmothers (che and alicia) did an amazing job with me apparently! hahaha, it was kinda nice to be all pretty and all for a night, but i realized that i never want to be just that. and i thought to myself today, what do you want people to see when they look at you? and the first answer that came to my mind was the love of God. still it's easy for me to say thing like that, things like looks isn't everything when i don't look half-bad, and that my spiritual gift is voluntary poverty when i've never really experienced poverty. i've never really given more to and for God than i could somehow afford, and yea.. it's a scary thing to pray for God to challenge me and grow me on all that though, cause though i don't like admitting it, these things give me some sense of security. but in order to grow, and mature, and show the world that God is truly all i need, i pray Lord that You will do what You will in my life. As freakily scary this prayer is Lord, i pray that people see more when they look at me, i pray that they see You, holding me together. You, carrying me. You, loving others through me. You, with overflowing favour and testimonies in my life. let them see You o God. Let me decrease while you increase. and let my life be my ministry Lord i pray. :) so yea you know, the night's over and i am who i am as always once again, the little Christian girl who loves her God heaps, who tells unfunny jokes and gets high on bubblegum ice cream. THAT's the real me. :) and it's people that see me as that girl and accepts me just that way that i believe, truly cherishes me as a friend. :P
church was pretty good today too! :) i learnt a lot of pretty good stuff from fast track, and i'm starting to feel my confidence come back, bit by bit, by various unconscious encouragements said over me this weekend. still i don't think i'm ready to do any big ministry involving leading others yet, but as scott said, we need to not feel adequate enough that we will rely fully on God and not our ownselves. so God, lead the way! :) i'll follow. :)
so yea, with everything going on in my life now, i can say it's be busy, at times hard, at times painful but so far, it's been just day after day of experiencing God in different ways and feeling His love surround me. He's been SO GOOD to me and i just feel so so blessed. i love how He can be so real sometimes, when i really enter in and seek His presence. today i could really feel Him holding my hand and whispering soft encouragements to me, things i really needed to hear.
and the kind of God who does that, who makes the earth turn and the sun rise every day but still bothers to calm me in the middle of my storm, that's the kind of God worth devoting my all, my everything to. I love You so much Lord. :) thank You, for everything.
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God my Saviour
has ransomed me
and like a flood
His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
- Amazing grace (bridge) by Chris Tomlin
He loves you too,
candice :)
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