"days come when i wonder where exactly i will be in three months. on an aeroplane? headed to clayton (this only by God's miracle), headed to Melbourne Uni, or the slim chance of not going at all?
where will i be?
and why does every answer scare me? but leaving, starting over yet again in a whole new place, it's terrifying. i mean starting college was scary enough, but like my sister would say, i'm gonna make the closest friends ever in australia. yet from where i am now, a new beginning doesn't sound so pleasant. sure, in maybe a year or so, i'll say it was one of the best things i ever did, but till then.. i can't stop pondering on the life i've built for myself here, the memories, and all that i would have to leave behind. malaysia is home, and it always will be. what if i go there, and i meet all the wrong kinds of friends? what if i lose myself, my character, my 'muchness' when i'm in a completely different environment? what if i lose everything that i've fought to be?"
hahah a part of me wishes i could go back in time and knock that girl on her head and assure her everything was going to turn out alright, even better in fact. :)
but another part's just relieved and thankful to God for bringing me from that place to where I am today even through all the insecurities, worry and struggles.
life sure takes a lot of strange turns when we least expect it, and over the course of this year, i've learnt much. experienced more new things, lived a bit more, loved a bit more, grew a lot more i'd say. and learnt that the growing should never stop. :) and here i am, another year older, feeling pretty pumped for next year. excited for the new things and new people and new experiences God's gonna bring into my life. and while the fear is always there, sometimes raging in the background, other times dormant in the dark, i hang on to the faith that God's gonna pull me through yet a new year. just like how He brought me through this year, and the last. EXCITES. :)
anyways, besides this random walk down memory lane, life pre and post exams is very different man. for the few weeks leading up to exams, i began to do my devotions so regularly for the first time in my life, and it didn't feel like it was out of duty. no, no, it was just pure desire each day to read the Word of God, and spend time with Him. and sure enough, God sent me a miracle in my exam. He is so good. and as soon as i lost the routine of waking up, devo, study etc. , i began to stop doing it. just couldn't make time for devotion in a day. and this went on for about two weeks or so, and i felt so dry and empty at the end of it. i craved the intimacy i had with God while i needed to hang on to Him. i posted this up during my exam period last year:
i was pondering today on how stressful this exam has been on me, emotionally especially. yet just to experience God's presence and grace at such a time as this, it makes it so worth it. :) sigh.. :D
i left that on my dashboard to keep reminding me of that, but when i was clouded by the worry about exams, i couldn't bring myself to see that truth. but out of it now, i see, how God carried me through my craziest times, leaving the one set of footprints in the ground. :') He's pretty darn cool la.
but then yesterday, i sat myself down and read His word again, spent some alone time together and it felt so refreshing. one moment in the presence of God.. is enough to take my breath away. so so awesome.
on another note, i conquered Hurstbridge yesterday! :D three down, thirteen places to go! :)
love,
candice
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