with what little remains

I'm tired. The past few days have been.. challenging for me, due to many different reasons. So, this is gonna be a messy post, be warned.

You know I spent a large part of this year believing. Really believing for the miracles I wanted (still want) to see in my life, and in the lives of those I love. And for this last thing this year, I really believed for it, I felt so led to, felt so strongly God would pull me through with a big bang. To be painfully honest here, as I looked at my results this time around, I felt so stumped, so angry, so.. betrayed. Lord I spent all year waiting on You, and I felt You promise me this. Sure enough, I passed the year and will be moving on to second year, but I expected so much more. A friend reminded me though, to be thankful for what God did give me, that to even make it through is a blessing enough. So I guess, one of the things I struggle with now is, where do I draw the line between believing for even greater, and being thankful for the hand I've been dealt? By all means I know that if I didn't put enough effort in, I shouldn't even expect so much. But I did try, and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. But now, I really hope that as I pick myself up from this crazy mess of emotions and thoughts, that I can be motivated to try even harder next year and not let this make me give up.

There are so many thoughts in my head now that I know are not of God, thoughts like "my prayers have no power" and "if I really am called to do this, then why am I not excelling in this?". There are angry thoughts towards Him too, such as me wondering why He isn't providing for me in other ways instead of having my father have to work so tirelessly to put me through med school. Why why why? Why have I been forsaken Daddy? .. I feel so beat down, like all the weight of my unanswered prayers are crushing down on me right now, all the disappointments from this year. But I know, the thing is I KNOW, that God's answers for my prayers are either 'not yet' or 'not this, I've got better for you'. And once more I know I have to fight these thoughts and hang on for all I have left to God and trust Him with my future. Once more I have to make myself fall back to the truths I know from experience and not let my emotions of the moment take me over. I need to believe I haven't been forsaken, that even in such a lousy situation as this, God has something to teach me. Even as I struggle to find my footing, He's holding me close.

I remember being at the airport yesterday night still feeling quite crappy, and watching a man push his son on a wheelchair. Sometimes, we all get really crappy circumstances in life, but really what defines our character is how we respond to them. What do you do when there is something that can be done? Candice, what will YOU do?

Recently, someone whose opinion does matter to me implied that I never think about what I do, that some of the things I do like getting my family to fetch me around, be it for a good reason, is in fact selfish. And thinking about the mission trip I applied for next year without really weighing the costs, I wonder now if I did the right thing. If I ever did the right thing. See I have my pocketful of dreams, dreams closer than I thought they would be, and when the opportunity arose, I grabbed it, ignoring much else. And now, with expensive fees, and the voice of that person in my head, I wonder if I was indeed too rash, too selfish in wanting to see my dreams come true too soon. Especially not being in a place of excellence academically now either, I can't even say I deserve this. I've always believed for the money to come from somewhere, for God to provide miraculously as I've heard in countless testimonies, but now that my parents have decided to subsidise me, I see that they are the ones that have to bear the weight of my desires - for this, and even med school. I hate being such a burden, and having to look in the mirror and perhaps see nothing but a selfish brat looking back at me. What if.. all the choices I have made up to this point have been the wrong ones? What if I'm not the good person I thought I was? What if? But more importantly, what do I do now? For the life of me, I have no idea whatsoever.

To sum things up, I believe that that voice came at a tragically 'perfect' timing. A last blow to crush my spirits completely after being already so disappointed with myself and with God. I've more than often chosen to give things up to God without thorough thinking, because I did not want to let rationalization hold me back from giving my absolute best. But standing there that day, already so hurt from a promise that didn't come to pass as I expected, even as I was hoping, praying for God to honour me back and give me back a double portion of what I have sowed into His kingdom, I felt completely blown away. I felt more discouraged than I've ever felt I think, and suddenly so unsure of the person I've built myself to be. And up till now, I haven't had the chance to think all this out, to be free to express the emotions I hold inside.

In all that discouragement, I've felt so unmotivated to be cheerful, to hold others up when I can barely keep myself together, to be nice when I need people to be nice to me instead. But, today in church, my eyes filled with tears as one of my favourite quotes came to mind.

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”
- C.S Lewis

I was also reminded in church today that to love God for what He can do for us is a shallow love, that the highest degree of love is loving simply because we know His heart enough. So, even from an exhausted spirit, God I pray that You will help me still be faithful. That we will get through this together. I pray God for an obedient heart that will run even further now, and never give up. I will not stop believing for greater Lord, and though I fall, I pray for the strength to pull myself together again and keep shining for You once more. Give me strength for just one more day Lord I pray.

And so I guess, I'm ending this year struggling also. Fighting the emotions demanding to be heard, fighting the harsh voices speaking at me unknowing of the pain they bring. But the quiet victory in my heart declares that it's not over yet, that I still can do better in life, academically, in the choices I make, in the person I am. God I need You more than ever. I said this on facebook just a short while ago, but I'll say it again.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. Even if your eyes are wet. Even if your heart is broken.

And the truth that I need to declare right now is this - The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thank you dear reader for reading this. I needed to let this out, and I'm sorry if it was a messy post, I'm sorry if it confused you or offended anyone. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how alone I may feel in this world, I never am. Thank you for taking time to read what may perhaps be a post too close to my heart for such disclosure.

I'm tired, so I'll stop here. Good night, and God bless.