As my sister's friend asked me "do you plan on going back home to work next time?", I hesitated. It was a short one but she noticed and all-knowingly said that if you had asked me that a few months ago my answer would be a certain yes. Thinking it through, my answer is still yes, I still do wanna go home and serve my fellow country people, where my services may just be more needed although perhaps less appreciated. And while that glimmer of uncertainty was due to a desire to work elsewhere still, it got me thinking - where is home for me now?
My sister always says that malaysia is home for us just cause our family's there. Somewhere sometime this year, australia became a new home for me, a sanctuary even, not yet adding into consideration family back home. By all means malaysia is still home for me in many ways, I look forward to going back to our house and spending more family time, meeting my friends and hhaving good food and great fellowship.
As we came back from new zealand this morning, I caught myself thinking, it's good to be home. And I realized the strange-ness of that thought. No candice, you're supposed to be passionately tied to malaysia. But I know why the shift, it's because, as foretold by my eldest sister then, this is the time where I'm really discovering who I am and who I want to be. And everything that contributed to that will always have a special place in my heart. I've said this a lot already, but truly, I grew as an individual this year more than ever. I started becoming more confident with who I am as a person, and trying to be more like God in the most painful of circumstances. I see the difference in me, the leap I have taken. I see the the beautiful people here that have worked together to mold me, and refine me.
So yea. To say that my feelings and thoughts of home have changed will probably be and understatement, but at the same time not entirely true either. All I know is that one day, when God calls me to leave here, it will probably be the hardest thing I ever had to do.
But send me Lord. Oh would You send me I pray.
And all the time as I was changing here, I forgot to remember that the people I love back homre are changing too. I think that for a moment there I was caught in a delusion that the world stopped for me,that everything at home existed simply to await my return. Silly girl. It's kinda surreal really, seeing the paths that my friend's lives are taking, seeing the world I no longer truly belong too but is not a stranger to either.
As I type this on my train ride back to the city, listening to 'till I see You' on my ipod, I know that this is one of the things I will most miss. My train rides with God, and my thoughts. My own sort of sanctuary, from the craziness of this world. Here my world is quiet, here, my world is at peace. Here I remember my purpose, my call, my destiny.
I am still really excited to go home, to see the faces I have missed dearly. But as I return to the same circumstances, the same environment, it'll be time to see if I have really changed or not. It'll be time for me to be tempted and tested, and prayerfully, a time of victory. I trust You Daddy, thank You for taking me on one unbelievable year. I'm believing for more Pops! :)
Just raw thoughts and emotions,
Candice
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