okay there is soo much on my mind today.. =)
well firstly i was at church yesterday and lately i've been struggling with the issue of how so many people around me are suffering while i'm fine. and as i was talking to shum about it the other day, we agreed that whatever came our way, we could handle it, because we trust in an Almighty God. that's why as hurt as i am when bad things happen to me, i know i'll always have a God behind me, who loves me more than i can ever imagine. but how do i give that to other people? i know la, textbook answer, tell them about this awesome God too.. but things don't always happen the way i wanted them too.. anyways, yesterday while we were singing, i felt God tell me, don't you trust me with your friend's lives too? and i was like WHOA... it's kinda easy for me to trust that God has a plan for me, well sometimes it's easy la..but to have the faith to believe it for my suffering friends too? it was a pretty big challenge for me la..
maybe we gotta stop saying,"God, i'm trying to deal with my struggles. when i get over it, only i'll come back to You, when i'm worthy and clean again." no, maybe we should be saying instead,"God here are my struggles. only you can understand my pain, help me." pastor rose said yesterday that God doesn't love us any less if we are struggling with tough stuff.. i think He loves that we're trying so hard that He doesn't get angry when we fail.. in a way la..For it is not healthy people who need a doctor but the sick, and God came not to call the righteous, but the sinners, to repentance. Matthew 9:12-13
and i realized or remembered in a way that our God is a jealous God. and jealousy is so often seen as a bad thing, when you covet something that isn't yours and stuff like that. but God isn't jealous of you, He's jealous for you. have you ever realized how desirable you are that could make someone jealous for you? realizing how much God yearns for me, that He gets jealous of how i spend my time away from Him and stuff, it shows me how much He truly loves me in an eternal everlasting way. our God loves infinitely and everytime i stop my busy life to think and relax in His presence, when i choose to give Him at least 1% of my day, i can feel it. I can feel His love so strongly and i can feel how much i love Him too. His love has been really real to me lately and i'm just amazed by You God. =) that the maker of the heavens and the earth, the one who made all things beautiful, who loves perfectly, could love me.
then i watched avatar yesterday night, haha first family outing since bea che came home. i thought it was actually really good. the sense of belonging that the na'vi(vi not di right?=P) and just how they had such a belief and knowledge about who they are was so interesting. i was just speechless? as i am very often, when i simply feel a sense of wonder and awe but can't explain it. but still i find culture such as that beautiful. like ancient beliefs, not weird superstitions but beliefs about the human soul and stuff. like i watched in a movie once but i can't remember where, some african tribes believe that if a man killed a member of your family or someone like that la, the tribe will throw the man into the river. you will have the choice to punish him by letting him drown and then hold on to the guilt and anger forever, or you can throw him a rope to save his life. by doing so, you are in a way freeing yourself from the revenge and stuff. it sounded way coller in the show la, but this is exactly the kind of stuff that interests me. the beauty of humans, how there is good in every person, how love can really defeat evil. i know this sounds like typical phantom of the opera themes and stuff but i'm just blown away la really. i wish i could come up with a topic for my investigative study regarding this.
i'm also amazed by how miracles happen and not just once in a while but every day. there are those bombastically fantastic ones like how a mother can lift a car off her kid and people beating death. but still God handcrafts miracles everyday. trees grow, the sun shines, rain falls. what about the teenager that stops fighting with their parents, the father that chooses to stop drinking, the mother that chooses not to abort her child? what about the kid that is saved from a life on the streets by the kindness of one stranger? are those not miracles too? now if you're reading this, think, what are the miracles in your life?
my mum was telling me a story recently about how in heaven there are many departments. many angels work in the request department and in the delivery department but only one in needed in the giving thanks department. the new man in heaven asked, if i didn't ask for anything, what is there to be thankful about? the angel replied, if there isn't you could always thank God for keeping your family healthy, that you have a family, you have friends and that you live a good life.
there's always something worth thanking God for.
regarding my title, watching avatar made me realize how every side has a story. like for example, in war right, when two countries fight, sure the big guys know what they're fighting for, but those soldiers that die, that sacrifice themselves for their countries, are they not good men? do they really deserve to die? i'm sure on both sides of the war, soldiers have families, they know what it's like to love, they know kindness and they're just doing what's right for the country. i don't know if you get what i mean, but still it made me realize that every side does have a story. like even now, everyone has their own story.
which leads me to my shopping mall experience. sometimes when i walk in a crowded mall, i look around and i realize that i'm seeing people i will probably never see again in my life. and that's pretty amazing and speechless-y again. i mean to think, the man that just walked past me, what's his life going through right now? and it leads me to conclude that we are all unique and beautiful and God has put so much efforts and thought into designing each one of our lives.
do you ever feel like what isn't selfless is selfish? sometimes i really do.
and yes, i really believe that everyone has good in them and is capable of doing great things.
some other things that amaze me and make me speechless:
-how in Bones, bones has some episodes where she just stays all night staring at the bones, waiting for it to speak to her(not in the talk way but the you know la way) and it always does! i just find that really beautiful? how she can be gifted to have that connection in a way. gah i hate not being able to explian how i feel.
-how cartoon characters can get hit by a cannonball or whatever and never die. i love how indestructible they are.
i can't think of any more right now but got a lot of things wan, that make me just go wow. like wow.
anyways, toh pooi sim is currently sick with a sexy voice apparently but my throat's so itchy i just wanna stick my hands down it and scratch lor.. but i can't do that. =.= and cough medicine is disgusting. but everyone's being so nice to me in college despite me being some germ infested homo sapien. =P i even learnt how to play pac men today and it's freaking fun lor. played it with michelle, hsing hwa, gene wern and wen shi. hahah so funnny! and i'm listening to have i told you lately by rod stewart now and i love it. one of the greatest love songs ever seriously, way better than all those nonsense no meaning lyrics like "i kiss his mouth i taste your lips".????? that's why i prefer oldies, i feel they're way more sincere. well most of them anyways. i also like what a wonderful life, landslide, when you say nothing at all tho it ain't all that old and lots more la. =P and i adore love in the first degree by bananarama every since darren asked us to watch it for something. the song is so cute!
sigh, i really love being able to type here tho i think probably no one bothers to read everything i have to say. i don't really mind i guess, i wrote this mostly to document my feelings for me anyways. i pulled out an old diary today from around september last year and started reading. and one thing that impressed(?) me was how similar i am then to now. my thoughts are always the same, even in different situations. which is pretty cool. =P
haha i talked to shum on the phone four times today already, two of which were actual candice and sherlyn sessions. she came up with a conclucion for one of my problems and i dunno can trust her judgement or not. haha, sometimes i wished i was someone who could write my emotions, like all the weird ones here too, just so i can let it out, so someone can read it and understand. but still i'm not that person. i can't say stuff that personal here.. and blah, i dunno why i'm still typing anyways. brain's just too cluttered. so yea, i'm gonna berphysics now. bye! =)
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