change of heart

"My strength and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
- Psalms 73:26

nothing like an hour of crapping with crazy people to soothe a bad day. :) <3

everlasting

YOU ARE MY FATHER by True Worshippers

It doesn't matter where I run, You're there for me
It doesn't matter what I've done Your love's for me
You wipe away the tears, You lift me when I fall
My life is safe by the mercy of Your grace

It doesn't matter where I go, You walk with me
It doesn't matter when I fall, You cover me
You wipe away the tears, You lift me when I fall
My life is safe by the mercy of Your grace

Chorus:
You are my Father, Provider
You're my Deliverer
Your mercies embrace me, surround me
Through Your everlasting love
Father I worship You
Father I worship You

And Your love is for me
And Your love is for me
And Your love is forever



Jesus loves you, you know? :)
candice <3

just like home

:) G8 is probably the highlight of my 2010, with so many precious memories and joyful moments. i've never felt so at home, with that crazy bunch of screaming people, sweating and smelly together as we walked to parade for our final lunch together as students of Taylor's College. i don't know how to put everything i want to say in neat paragraphs so this really is gonna be just everything i feel, in it's messiness. :)

i really love how we sisters can tell the bros all sorts of embarassing things about us, that all our inside sister jokes have become known to them too. :) i've never met such an incredible bunch of guys who laugh with us about monthly friends, peeing, boys toilets, hulk, unspeakables and so much much more, things none of us would dare to tell other guys about. hahhaha, i remember how when we talking about something stupid that ladylike girls should not discuss in public again, wen shi said, "ohmygosh, you guys better not say that in front of other guys man." hahha, it's kinda new to me, this sort of trust between all of us, and it feels really nice, safe, just like family. :)



i love how the bros chest bumped today, and shouted all at once that something was gonna be legendary. it was so funny, it made me laugh. hahha, :D.


i love how adrianna 'let' us do the hair removal thing on his hand today. but i gotta say man, veet hair removal cream works WONDERS. :P i only wish we could have removed ALL THE HAIR! :P it's sweet how we always tease you and call you a girl, but you never really minded (i think ;P). i remember you teaching me about cars and how i could never do the adrian look no matter how hard i tried. but you'll always be one awesome BRO to me! :)



i love all the encouraging things sean writes. :) with his DEEP DARK MYSTERIOUS past in VI that he will NEVER reveal to us, i believe he's more to a tough guy persona kinda thing. but around us, you let your guard down more often than not, and it's always nice to see that you, the real you. i love how you still have such inspiring, heartfelt things to write to us even though you don't do high fives. :D (but i got a high five today! it was legendary! hahaha.) thanks sean, you're gonna be an amazing person one day, you already are to me! :)


i love how only hsing hwa would layan me today when nobody else wanted to go for my birthday celebration. all the rest of you, =.= (sean face)!! hsing hwa said, "we'll do anything you like for your birthday! :D " i always find it funny how when we're doing something stupid (again), you'll look over and give us the HUH/WTH/YOU GUYS ARE SO WEIRD/MILD DEATH STARE look, then smile your huge hsing hwa smile that always make us smile back. :D i'll see you on my birthday iguana! :) thanks! :)


i love the cookie gene gave me today! it was yums! gene, when you're not being mean and giving me the gene face, you always say the nicest things. i remember you telling me how i'm gonna meet someone awesome one day, and how i deserve better in life. :) and i'm really gonna miss the way you keep saying the WRONG thing to me, and always making me give you the death stare. haha, but it was a good year, and i've had an unforgettable time being your friend. :) i'll see you at prom! :D SUIT UP!


i love how ian laughed as well today when elena said "say sime darby! sime darby!! :P" ohmygosh that was so funny. i didn't get to write in your winanga-li, but i'm glad that i'll be seeing you at pangkorr! :D be prepared for even more screaming and crazy girls then! :P you always answered all my questions and taught me the things i didn't know, thanks daddy teng! :)

i love the human centipede chain we made today as we wrote on everyone's backs. i cannot help but feel like time has passed so quickly. this is the ultimate cliche line, but today it seemed like all i could remember was our first day together, and it seemed like we just zoomed to today, accelerated past the previous months and somehow it the end already, right before our eyes. we started off the english game by talking to people one on one, being so super shy and writing on each others backs so politely. today the scene was so different, with everybody screaming COME HERE!!!! and without even talking to the person, we know what we want to write already. the paper we all got was so much messier, meaner in a sentimental way and heartier. i loved that about today. :)


and of course to tai kor, i love what you wrote in my winanga-li! hahaha you talking about me as a younger sister and me talking about you as the big brother i've always wanted. don't disown me as your sista when we part ways okay! promise! :D it was so sweet when you randomly said to me today let's take picture, especially since i was wearing the LONG LONG dress. hahah. i know i can always trust you for anything and everything, thank you so much tai kor, for just being yourself, and accepting the responsibility of dealing with the troubles of all us younger sisters of yours. i think i've already told you most of what i wanted to say, so i'm feeling the writer's block now. :P well you know i treasure our friendship loads, which is why we're gonna watch MEGAMIND for my 17th BIG GIRL birthday right???? ;)



but more important that just the bros....

i've gained many new sisters this year, that always made me feel like a star! or just really irritating. i love how much we shout at each other, and call each other irritating and scream that we hate each other, because everything we said was the total opposite of how we really felt. :) it seems like the more we shout "i hate you so much!!!", the more we actually love each other, and value this friendship that's so unique.


i love the way prisc wore such a beautiful dress today WITH HIDEOUS PINK MISMATCHED SLIPPERS. i was so irritated by you la! my sister likes to say "oi leng, moi meng" which means want beauty, don't want life. HAHAHAH but being chinese, i know you understood that already, didn't you? :P i love how we're always trading stories that start with "OHMYGOSH YOU KNOW WHAT ELENA JUST SAID?" and the rest of us have to go peee first, or swallow our food first to make sure we don't explode while hearing about the next funny thing elena teng did. LOL i'm actually laughing now thinking about that time in cassian kitchen when we all went "stop stop I HAVE TO SWALLOW MY FOOD FIRST BEFORE ELENA TALKS" :P and i will never forget how as bad your taste in shoes is, your taste in food in WORSE! well i kinda like citrus plus la, dunno why the rest don't, but MED, and NOT DIM SUM! LIKE EWWWW! you're so irritating, but i love you a lot. :)


i love the joke we made a while back, of how if elena ever got caught by police for driving at night, she'd be in big trouble if they thought she was drunk, cause no matter what she cannot walk straight. :P good memories, that! :) i love treating you like my human drawing canvas, writing all sorts of nonsense on your hand, AND FACE. but elena teng, HOW IN THE WORLD DOES MY HULK LOOK LIKE A ROCKET/MAN FARTING??? =.=". you put a smile and an unstoppable laugh on my face every day, for being so irritating by whacking my head EVERY DAY, and also for being so amazing as to take care of your 'children' all the time, making sure whoever hurt us will not get away so easy. thank you for holding my hair when i'm hot, though involuntarily, screaming at me the whole time that your life isn't that sad. thanks for always giving me that elena face, the one me and mich get scared of after twelve midnight, cause that's when the hulk arises. but above all the jokes and stupidity, thank you for being a friend i love so much. :) you always cheer me up when i'm sad, and lend me money when i'm broke, and say really nice stuff to encourage me and laugh with me, even if it's at yourself, just so we're all happy together. :) i love you!



i love the way mich gave us a FREE SHOW today when we really REALLY didn't want to see it. and outside subang square too! sigh. tsk tsk mich! but you looked pretty in your shirtdress! and i really love you for what you just did a few minutes ago, i'm really really proud of you mich! :D you know you're much better than that. and us sisters will always ALWAYS have your back, even though you're such a traitor and ditched us to be a bro. A PIRATED BRO. you know how much you mean to me mich, and i was really touched to read your message in my winanga-li today! thank you for every single irritating memory we have of each other, and you better be there at my birthday woman! :D i writer's block for you also already la, wrote too much in your book dey, hehe. :D HUGS AND KISSES for you!!! :)


i love how lilian chew looks in a dress!!! HAHAHHA, first time in my LIFE i saw that today! :D and you were really beautiful, inside and out! :) crazy girl, i never heard you scream so much as in these past few days. you're always such a joy to be around, i'm so glad that today our 'look up in the sky' plan worked! and also our 'joshua!!!!' plan. LOL come to think of it, all our weirdest plans are YOUR ideas. :D thanks for that! our lives will be so uncrazy without you. :) no one could ever replace baby teng! i also love how you were/are so funny! cannot believe you forgot your winanga-li then used a full scap paper to get us to write our messages for you on. :) did you paste it yet??? :D you are, and will always be, my favourite hainan monster. :D i love you loads lilianteng! <3


G8 you're so precious to me! :')





and to all the rest of my beloved beloved classmates, i love you all so much too! i'm really glad to have know each and everyone of you this year, and it is the uniqueness in each and every one of us that makes G8 so amazing! i will never forget you, and may we remain friends forever! we said goodbyes and gave our hugs today, but it will not be goodbye forever. :) thanks you for a really enjoyable day and for an unforgettable year. :D you guys are the best friends a girl could ever ask for. <3


love ALWAYS,
candice :)

live your life with arms wide open

there is so much that i'm feeling right now, so much on my mind, and so much i wanted to write here. but i'll save my long, teary post for tomorrow. :'/

today, one of the best friends i ever had told me this. "What's the biggest exam of your life compared to God's plan for your life?" i can't even begin to describe how i felt when i read that, cause the words rang so true, just when i needed to hear them. i've been so so terrified of finals, and uni and next year, and i still am, but guess i'm a big girl now, can't run away anymore. it's time to grow up, face this upcoming challenge and believe, without a doubt, that God will pull me through.

this post is dedicated to you buddy! thank you so much, for everything. you know who you are. :)

love,
candice

saying goodbye to something beautiful

because G8 is love. <3

i'll never forget you,
candice. :')

steady ground

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth


:) i found this very comforting. :D i hope you do too!

" The Lord will give strength to His people, the Lord will bless His people with peace." - Psalms 29:11 :)

don't give up now,
candice

peace

"and You.. calm the raging seas
and You.. calm the storm in me
all i know, is i find rest in You"
- Find Rest in You, PlanetShakers

today as i was listening to my phone's music in the car, i realized how long it's been since i've listened to my ipod. nearly all the songs in my phone were stolen from mich (:P) while my ipod had a lot more songs, most of which were Christian music, like hillsongs, planetshakers, casting crowns etc. and i realized then how much i used to listen to them, and the peace that overflowed from feeding myself such music. don't get me wrong, i love the songs in my phone, i really do, but undeniably, the feeling is different when i listen to both. i can't explain it, but sometimes it feels like i can feel God's love through the music, i can sense the calmness setting in, the joy that is like no other. so i decided to spend my devotional time today just listening to music from my ipod, and it feels amazing. :)

i haven't been feeling like myself much lately, i can't explain this either. it's like i've been emo a lot more, and while there are obvious resons to be sad about, like SAM ending, but most of the time, it's a strange emotion, like i feel insecure, alone or sad for some reason, no matter how many people i talk to or how good my company is. and just listening to people singing their hearts out to God today just made it better, not completely, but better. :) the familiar peace creeps in again as i am reminded that i'm not alone, and that life itself is a reason to be joyful.

i believe that all of us have an emptiness within that only God can fill. the God-shaped hole in our hearts. and i've heard testimonies of how empty people feel without God, and how incredibly full(for lack of another word) they are when they let the love of God surround them, and keep them safe. sometimes we don't recognize what would fill that emptiness and we throw in things like possesions, infatuation, music, games, facebook, outings, looking so desperately for something, anything that will make the world feel less broken, less lonely, less unknown. we are looking to belong. but those temporary things we fill our lives with? they only make us realize that they aren't enough. no matter how much we hoard, it is and will never be sufficient. and we end up emptier than before.

indeed i believe no one offers fulfillment like Jesus does. no one else can bring me peace in my darkest days, no one else can make me believe things are going to turn out better than i could ever hope for. no one else can make me feel this precious. and by no means is the Christian life easy, there are times where God is so far away it hurts enormously. but through adversity and perseverance, we grow, we learn. i don't know exactly why God chooses to 'hide'(for lack of better word) Himself sometimes, and i'll ask Him for the right answer when i see Him face to face, but one answer that always stuck with me was, so that only the truly hungry can find Him. but God has His reasons, that are all meant for our good, greater things than we ever thought possible. that much i know, is eternally true.

if you asked me last year why i love Jesus, i'm not sure what i would have said. but if you ask me now, i have so.. so many reasons. this year has been so amazing and challenging for me too, teaching me so much. i love Jesus because no one else could put up with my whining each day, bugging Him about where my life was gonna head. i love Jesus because i know He's always there, always watching me from above, always guiding me with His right hand, even if i cannot feel it sometimes. i love Jesus because He assures me that there's a plan for my life, that He gives me adversities and troubles that draw me nearer to Him, making me realize no one else could and would ever support me like He does. i love Jesus because i see Him all around me, in the goodness of people, in their faith, in how they love and i am reminded that because He invented the world, goodness resides in it, and will always prevail against evil. i love Jesus for calming the storms within me, for loving me even, especially when i cannot love myself, and for dying for someone as undeserving and unworthy as me.

i was in church last sunday and i looked around and was awestruck, in realization that God moves in the lives of others so so powerfully. i saw a church filled with broken people, people drawn to the cross, people who realized how much they needed God. and it was an incredible feeling, thinking of how greatly God transforms people. i think of the raw details i have of uncle isaac's testimony, of how from being some super big gangster that did the most horrible, gruesome, unspeakable things to people, his entire life could be changed. it's nothing short of a miracle really, God's miracle. i mean i've always been amazed by the beauty on this earth that God created, the stars He breathes, the sheer wonder of being alive, but i think in God's display of His glory, nothing comes close to the work He does in people's lives. nothing is as amazing as watching a criminal learn compassion through Jesus, or seeing people accept the forgiveness Christ offers freely, staring in disbelief at the sttitude changes God inspires or witnessing a child of God completely broken at the altar, surrendering their life to God. and as astoundingly beautiful the sunset in Nepal is, or as breathtaking the view from everest might be, nothing is as indescribably wonderful as watching people rise up, choosing to stand because they know that this time, they have God behind them, each step of the way. :)

i also spent about an hour today just reading my old blogspots from august, september and february. and definitely the first thing that stuck out was how similar my writings are, how most of it are about university stress or studies etc. but there were also so many things that felt so new for me to read, things i long forgot i wrote, that somehow have the power to inspire even me, its author. like this..

i think what everyone needs is someone to watch you. to see the beauty in you that you cannot see by yourself. to make you feel like you belong. to let you know that you are talented or called to do something, and to inspire you to move forward. but as we realize how much it would rock to have someone like that around us, who believed in us whole-heartedly, we should see the need to become that person for those around us. to believe in their capabilities without a doubt.
- February 20, 2010

and remember that in every situation, no matter how ugh or sucky, there's always a lesson to learn. a new person to befriend. a lesson to teach. a life to impact. it's all about the attitude we have towards that situation. so chins up, smile and take whatever comes, with a rocking, positive 'tude. =D good night!
- February 18, 2010

sometimes faith feels like you're pushing, punching against a brick wall. it isn't moving and your brain is telling you that it never will, pleading with you to just give up. but you push anyways, giving it your all, until the unending wall before you crumbles to your feet.
- August 19, 2010

...that in the darkness is when we should sing the loudest, that even when everything is going wrong in our lives, even when you feel so far from God, that that is when you should sing all the more louder and see His light shining through. :)
- July 25, 2010

it's quite a funny feeling really, reading all these, forgetting i ever penned down such words yet knowing it is something i would write. but it really is a good medicine for the days i forget who i am and where i belong. :)

this is yet another jumbly post, but yea.. no buts. :) this is what i love writing about and this is essentially, who i am. :D


hehehe... i am gonna be an AWESOMETASTIC driver one day. :)

i love love love you loads (cause i'm in a rather good mood now) :P <3,
candice

innocence

i had a good day today, for many reasons. :) but..so many things in my head nao. haha. MESSINESS AHEAD.

i guess the biggest thing in my brain right now is how we're gonna play the writing-about-you-on-a-paper-on-your-back game again on the LAST ENGLISH CLASS EVER of SAM next friday. it felt so recent, us playing that game on the very first day of college this year. i remember being so excited to do so, digging my brains thinking of what to write that might be different than just 'friendly', and knowing from after that exercise, that this year was gonna be a good year. what strikes me the most is that i remember all these, like it was yesterday. this whole year i've been saying that time has been passing really quickly, and now i'm like whoa. next week is gonna be the last week of SAM already. and to be honest, i'm feeling rather emo now. it finally hit me, that this awesome chapter of my life is coming to an end soon. and i don't know how to react to this, i just feel all jumbled. i am excited for next friday, for this nostalgic activity, but i have no idea what's gonna happen then. no idea what my friends are gonna write this time, no idea if people will end up crying or laughing, no idea how we're gonna say goodbye.

sigh. and today i was watching the news during dinner, and there was this car crash that happened this morning, and the names of the people that passed away were just listed on the screen, as if it was just like any other list. and i was struck by the thought of no matter how many friends you have, how many people you know, this world will always be filled with strangers. strangers that have their own stories to tell, stories we may never get a chance to hear. and that's kinda sad, don't you think?

today was sean's burfday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i shall upload the picture of his watermelon when mich posts it up! hahah it was so cute! :D it was really fun screaming at each other about how to 'prepare' the watermelon for presentation tho. (a watermelon that elena's parents left at the guardhouse for us. hahah!) another reason to be sad bout SAM ending, who else can we hold a lighted watermelon singing happy birthday for/with after this? :)

i'm so messed up right now. i have that uncomfortable feeling that just won't go away.

this is so sad!

'Someone woke up today.

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead.

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left.

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left, they said

"I love you. Have a good day. I'll speak to you later."

Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left, they said

"I love you. Have a good day. I'll speak to you later. I love you. I love you."

And they replied

"I love you."

And they kissed them goodbye.

For the very last time.

Someone woke up today. But they won't wake up tomorrow.'
- www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

today i read this email my sister sent me, about the biggest regrets people have right before they die. i'm so scared of one day realizing that i have so many regrets but no way of making things right. i'm so scared of doing this wrong, of living my life incomplete. am i satisfied with how i have lived thus far? am i satisfied with everything i am? if i die tomorrow, what are the regrets that i would have?
most of all, i.. would regret not telling more people about God. i would regret not being brave enough to do all the radical things, stupid things, unbelievable things i always wanted to do. i would regret all the times i didn't treat people right, all the times i picked me over them. i would regret never getting to become a doctor, never getting to save a life. i would regret having so many regrets.

and recently miss doh told us about the requirements of being a doctor. you MUST be sympathetic, not empathetic. yea.. i don't know if i can. lately the question of 'am i cut out to be a doctor?' have been playing round and round my mind, nagging, irritating, questioning. it seems like i do everything wrong, my hands feel very weird and shaky, i'm too emotionally attached to everything, i need my sleep (a lot more lately, somehow) and i get scared irrationally sometimes. all along my reason for being a doctor has simply been to help people, and because i think it's what God has called me to do. and as much as i try to have faith in this issue, i mean i don't doubt God, i just doubt myself hearing God ocassionally, and i wonder, what if i'm wrong? i can imagine myself living a different life, not as a doctor. perhaps as a social worker or a field worker at UNHCR or something. a job that might demand less time, and more passion, and more interaction with people. i mean, probably above all, i love people. i love talking with them, though on my emoody days i might not.. and perhaps in that scenario, i'd have more time for a family, for missions, for the freedom to live each day differently, to do one thing that scares me each day, to be useful to society in more than just one way. this would be a nicer, easier, more relaxed option. yet.. i don't know if this is meant to be. and so, perhaps the only reason i'm going through with medicine is the conviction in my heart i believe God's placed there. i have no clue which uni i'll be in next year, no clue if i can survive medicine(oh man i pray i can, for my parent's sake especially), no clue if i can deal with death, stress, decisions everyday, no clue on how i will fill in the shoes God's placed in front of me. but the everlasting truth is, if it's God's plan for me, it'll work out. He'll open the necessary doors, and He'll give me the strength to do so. the lesson i've learnt this year, is that the reason i could rely on God's strength so much was because i had absolutely no strength of my own left to stand on. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9. :)

i was considering just posting a part of the email my sister sent me, but there was meaning in every little part, so i figured i'd just post everything la. here goes! :)

Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, but in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.
Choose happiness.

i know it's lengthy, but it's really good stuff. i bolded the stuff that stood out to me. :)

i do feel a bit better after dumping most of my thoughts here. thanks dear reader, for listening/reading. :)


michelle's interpretation of how sean looks. clearly, this is why she is in the SCIENCE stream and not the arts. :P


aww, good times. good times. :)
and...


not forgetting the birthday boy. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN! :D

love always,
candice

miracles

:) i had a completely unproductive day today, and i felt like blogging, so i figured, ah why not, take the whole day to rest la. :P BUT THE DAY'S NOT OVER YET ANYWAYS! :)

today at Parkson, i was with my dad and mum for dinner la, and i asked my dad if i looked like i just woke up, all messy and stuff la. and he said, no, you look like you haven't even woken up. haha, my parents can be so funneee sometimes. :P

HOW I KNOW I GREW UP THIS YEAR :)
- i eat my veggies now! WEN SHI TAI KOR LEE will be so proud of me!
- i don't fight with my parents as much anymore
- i study now! :D
- God's been really real to me this year and it just makes me feel older somehow. :D
- my hair isn't messy anymore (yea this is a COMPLETE lie)
- and cause though i do all the above now, i'm still me. :)
and i think that the me from 24 September 2009 will be quite proud indeed of the girl she became this year. :P

today i was reading jeremy's blog and i found something so encouraging! :) thanks jeremy(if you're reading this)! there's just so many little blessings i have in my life lately, and it's amazing really. i feel so full, like my life is overflowing with good things. like today i was hanging out with my parents watching moonlight resonance for a while, and the tv people talked about how family matters more than money, and they told the bad lady to take the money, they're happy enough with family. :D hahah cheesy, but AWWW, it's so true! this year i have had so MUCH more of those moments where i stop and savour the joy of having things around me work normally. like when we're just sitting together watching tv, i feel so overwhelmed by this peaceful joy, that for then at least, there's no one more blessed than i am. there's nothing like family, really, and i learnt that this year. i think of my family and my friends around me, and i feel like i've never been happier. haha, i think that these people, well family at least, have always been around, but i've just never really seen and appreciated them. but love and you get loved in return, cool stuff eh! :D and then i think of the stress i'm going through now, and i feel so privileged to have these worries, so privileged to have study-stress, to have all the bad stuff in my life as well, cause these are bad stuff that amplify just how awesome everything else in my life is. somewhere, someone else wishes she could be worried about final exams, perhaps some dude wishes he had parents to argue with, and i am who they wish they could be. and i don't wanna be so silly as to not appreciate these blessings in my life now.

God really works miracles everyday, crafting them as easily as He breathes stars. for so long, i've been struggling with laziness, trying to study but always failing, and this week something happened. i just feel completely changed somehow, as if all the stress from my awful trials just pushed me far enough to start trying and trying harder too. and till just now, i thought cool candice, you're finally changing, but i realize such a big internal change could not have happened by my strength alone. suddenly the desire to go on facebook is like way way less than it used to be, and i crave studying a lot (STRANGE) and i can go for pretty long without the computer(just had to reply emails..:P) or tv now. :) PTL OMS! and i realized, it must have been God's work in me. He gave me a change of heart and attitude and perspective, and He does so subtly, incredibly. thank You Jesus, You're really amazing!!! though You probably already know that, lol. You never fail to amaze me by Your faithfulness and unending love for me. :D I LOVE YA LOADS DADDY KING!!!!!!

so i think that really, maybe what it takes to feel the incredible inexplicable wonder i feel, is simply to open our eyes wider, to practice humility and submission, and to surrender everything to God.

as college is coming to an end (12 days left togetherr only.. :( ), i reminisce a lot nowadays. and 2010 is by far, the best year of my life. there were so many things i got to do this year, got to have, people i got to know and become closer too, just 'so many' in this year la. i think of the taylor's musical and how many beautiful memories i got from them. i think of G8'S MAD project and remember just how amazing my classmates all are, and how huge their hearts really are. i am so blessed to have known them at all. :) i think of every birthday, every car ride, every lunch, every "why are we rushing???", every post it note we pass, every handwritten note, every stupid joke, ever prayer meeting, i think of everything, and i smile to myself, knowing where i belong right now. :D

"GUYSSSS, I'M NOT A JOKE OKAY!" (Teng 2010) ;P

LIFE IS GOOD, DON'T FORGET THAT. :)


because prayer meeting's awesome. <3


haha my parents are the adorable-est la. i remember all of us laughing and giggling when we took this. :P


cause we are sisters, and we stick together. :) *and we need new family pictures :D*

"My strength and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalms 73:26

with lots and lots of love,
candice 'big fat heart' toh

*ps: hahahha in case you didn't know, tohpooisim = bigfatheart in hokkien! :p byebye! study hard!

a lesson in humility

today i went to a home for children with HIV. and it was my first time, i just thought i was going for a home visitation in cheras, only yesterday did i find out that the children there had HIV. and i reacted the way many people would, i was slightly uncomfortable with the idea, and afraid of the risk of infection. i knew that HIV will not be spread via touch, but still, the paranoia is always there. anyways, all the more a part of me wanted to go, if i want to learn real compassion for people, i musn't judge either. and i kept in mind that God will be with us, and if *choi tai ka lai si* i got infected too, it's all in His plan too right?

so this morning we met with uncle isaac, ah fatt and daniel. and even the gist of uncle isaac's testimony could blow you away, he was completely reformed by knowing Jesus and it was just incredible. and what i remember him saying most is that he has been working with HIV people for over twenty years and he is still HIV-negative, so we don't have to worry about infection. if someone were to have gotten infected, it would have been him first. and i was thinking, candice you're so stupid to have worried at all in the first place. he also said that the kids really like having people visit, cause so many people turn away from them at the mention of HIV, and that they had it pretty rough in their old home. so i was pretty excited to see these kids, cause i really miss being around children! haven't been playing with children since.. MADU?

hahah so reaching there, it was pretty nice, the kids were very well behaved and we sat down a while talking to mak wan, who is this incredible woman with so much compassion and love for these otherwise unwanted children. she loved them as her own and they called her mak. :) but the story that broke my heart was of the oldest boy with HIV in that home, who was in form 3. she talked about how sometimes he couldn't handle being the oldest in the house, the one responsible for his younger siblings, and as much as he wants to socialize, it's very painful for him. mak wan said that it would be so difficult trying to explain to everyone that he's HIV-positive, especially when he's talking to girls. and i was really affected by that, i mean talking to girls/guys is something the rest of us take for granted, for fun, and for the first time, i considered what it was like to be on the other end, not just on the outside looking in. would i have their strength to move forward? to put aside the mean glances and to believe that love prevails in an evil world?

these kids are incredibly beautiful children, they dance so amazingly well, they play badminton cheekily and they all want our attention. i watched as two of the boys played on the swings and did the ultimate things man, like stand on the swing, swing upside down with their heads near the ground, climb up the swing poles and just do so many exhilarating things that normal boys would do you know? and they have so much passion and joy and beauty, yet they live their lives as outsiders, people who don't belong, when all that's different is that their blood is infected. and i thought of how under different circumstances, we, well especially me, would go all out to avoid someone with HIV, it's scary and lonely living as a diseased person. but today i realized how i have been judging them all along, though perhaps not their character or their lives, but just by seeing their disease before seeing them. and i was so ashamed today, how could i have ever done that? i think the WORST thing about HIV is not knowing how you would eventually die, or the suffering that comes with the disease, it's the social discrimination that they are subjected to, especially since it wasn't even their fault they were born this way in the first place.

i hate that everytime i go to places like these, and see how wonderful people can be despite their circumstances, that i eventually come home to a very different life than theirs. i hate it so much that i was born with different privileges than other deserving beautiful children.

mak wan was really really nice too. she told us her life story and how she's been working with HIV people for over 15 years. what struck me most was when she said that she wasn't afraid of getting infected because she believed that she was doing God's work, and that God will protect her. i mean.. wow. people like her and uncle isaac make me feel so hopeful, that there are still really good people in the world, trying to make life better for those who suffer. the human spirit is that strong, that loving, that amazing.

though we were of different races and religions, i wondered if this was the spirit of 1 Malaysia right there, perhaps when there is a greater need for love, all other circumstances of birth are put aside, and we are simply people, who depend on one another for encouragement and courage. also i noticed that these kids really needed the loving touch of others, and attention. i mean, was it really that difficult for me to sit there and just play with them? is it that big a sacrifice to make? i belive that essentially, i barely did anything today, i just went to play with some great young boys and had a good time. but it meant so much more to them, and that was extremely humbling.

so these are people i look up too, mak wan, uncle isaac, uncle james who works with refugees, people who talk about the past ten twenty years like it was yesterday, people who lived sacrificially and fully. God bless them. i hope that in thirty years or so, i can be just like them. :)

and yet again, i learnt the precious lesson that when you look closely, people are beautiful. sometimes they're different from us, and in that situation, it is always normal to pick avoidance, neglect, shunning, even if it isn't intentional. yet when we bother to look beyond those differences, when we stop thinking of just us us us all the time, and when we open our eyes to really look into another person's soul, we will see that indescribable beauty in each one of them. sure, it takes time, patience, strength, but comparing that to the rewards of connecting, truly connecting, with another human being, the cost is hardly anything at all. we are capable of making a difference every day, question is, do we choose to do so?

thank You God, for an unforgettable lesson in love, life, faith, and.. humility. :) Please watch over PoShe, and all the precious people living there. :)

love,
candice

moving weary

lots to say today! :P

well for one, i was extremely thankful for prayer meeting today, well this whole week i have been really. somehow, prayer meetings feel very different this week, and i always leave feeling more fulfilled and peaceful. especially today, where we just stood together, singing God of this city. it started off with four of us only, and progressed to a much larger group. it was incredible, i could really sense God's presence and when i just told elena that prayer meeting was good today, she said she could sense God too. and i felt so amazed and glad that i have a place to go each morning to seek God, and do so corporately, that our honest singing would be of value to God. furthermore, it was an extremely humbling experience to notice the small crowds that gathered at the corridors above, just looking down, listening to the melody of our song. well i believe, that it wasn't just the music that drew them in, i believe it was God's presence too. :) i remember how jeremy once told me that in his old cf after prayer meeting, the room will have a whole different feel to it, well something like that, i forgot the exact words. :P but i think i sorta felt that way today and it was really cool. :)

i'm hungry.

well, i got bio back today. and i was extremely disappointed in myself, for the reason that i know i could have done better. my awesome possum friend cedric cha (happy? :P) said that it would be better to know i gave my best than to do well halfheartedly, and somehow that really stuck with me. i don't think i've ever really put my whole heart into anything. and i was even more upset at myself when my dad said he was so sure that if i gave my 100%, that i can get the TER i need for monash. i feel horrible for letting him down and making him worried too, cause my trials results were really just awful, worse than ever before. so with all these feelings, i just made my way to cf and tried to make the best of it. i mean i am inspired to do better, but i'm just spent now. it's like, i've heard all i needed to hear, and let out whatever i had to, but now i am so deeply afraid that i cannot do what i must do? old habits die hard and i am so so afraid of knowing i could have done better in finals after it is over. i think that above all, i fear myself. the faith that i have lost is in myself. there is no one i am angrier at than me.

i'm not boasting, but i've always managed to do well without giving my best. and for once, i know that if i don't try, i will fail this, my future will be affected. and i guess i was partly whining exaggeratingly, but i questioned God, why? why is this so tough? why must i go through so much? and i heard Him clearly say, "because you were meant for greater things." the rest were unclear, but what i got was that, i have to do this, i have to put myself through med school so that God can use me to help people. i always get freaked out thinking about the future, if SAM is already such a challenge to me, how am i gonna survive med school and the emotional distress in medicine as well? will i really spend my life crying away, crumbling from stress or overly affected by people? How can i survive this? as i pondered this, i really felt like God's plan, or what i am quite sure it is at least, is too big for my life, for me, and i don't even know the half of it. i.. just don't think i'm strong enough. and yet God keeps telling me "I am strong enough to hold you." but stupid human me, simply can't let go. oh how i keep praying for strength nowadays, i feel like such a wimp lately. but perhaps it is only the truly brave that dare to admit that they are weak and in need of God's strength? still, courage is jumping, even though you're scared. it running the race although you're tired. and it's holding on, when you feel there's nothing good left in you.

"Oh how many times, have i broken Your heart? Still You forgive, if only i ask. and how many times have You heard me pray, draw near to me."
- All for Love

and it hit me today, if i am so disappointed in myself, how much more disappointed is God in me? when He knows just how much i am capable of? if my heart is broken, how much more broken is His? sigh..

this is a really good video!! even if you've watched it before, do watch it again! i was really touched when i rewatched this! :)


thinking of Jesus and the easter story today, made me feel like i didn't deserve grace at all. i was screaming it in my mind even, i am so undeserving, and after all the times i've messed up, how can You still give grace so freely Lord?

"When you have lost what is most dear to you, only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."
- excerpt of The Beatitudes

"I am no fool because i give what i cannot keep to gain what i cannot lose."
- a guy i forgot, but this has soo much meaning!
what are we chasing today? are we trying to gain what we cannot keep, earthly possessions that mean nothing eventually? deep.

LONGSUFFERING. i like this word.

"With great power comes great responsibility."
- Spiderman

well i should really be asleep now. Good night! :) and if like me, you find yourself discouraged and exhausted, don't lose heart just yet kay? fight this fight, one day at a time. and google tulip farm images if you really need something to cheer you up aites! :)


sky view of gorgeous tulip farms! i must visit one one day! :D

love,
candice.