well for one, i was extremely thankful for prayer meeting today, well this whole week i have been really. somehow, prayer meetings feel very different this week, and i always leave feeling more fulfilled and peaceful. especially today, where we just stood together, singing God of this city. it started off with four of us only, and progressed to a much larger group. it was incredible, i could really sense God's presence and when i just told elena that prayer meeting was good today, she said she could sense God too. and i felt so amazed and glad that i have a place to go each morning to seek God, and do so corporately, that our honest singing would be of value to God. furthermore, it was an extremely humbling experience to notice the small crowds that gathered at the corridors above, just looking down, listening to the melody of our song. well i believe, that it wasn't just the music that drew them in, i believe it was God's presence too. :) i remember how jeremy once told me that in his old cf after prayer meeting, the room will have a whole different feel to it, well something like that, i forgot the exact words. :P but i think i sorta felt that way today and it was really cool. :)
i'm hungry.
well, i got bio back today. and i was extremely disappointed in myself, for the reason that i know i could have done better. my awesome possum friend cedric cha (happy? :P) said that it would be better to know i gave my best than to do well halfheartedly, and somehow that really stuck with me. i don't think i've ever really put my whole heart into anything. and i was even more upset at myself when my dad said he was so sure that if i gave my 100%, that i can get the TER i need for monash. i feel horrible for letting him down and making him worried too, cause my trials results were really just awful, worse than ever before. so with all these feelings, i just made my way to cf and tried to make the best of it. i mean i am inspired to do better, but i'm just spent now. it's like, i've heard all i needed to hear, and let out whatever i had to, but now i am so deeply afraid that i cannot do what i must do? old habits die hard and i am so so afraid of knowing i could have done better in finals after it is over. i think that above all, i fear myself. the faith that i have lost is in myself. there is no one i am angrier at than me.
i'm not boasting, but i've always managed to do well without giving my best. and for once, i know that if i don't try, i will fail this, my future will be affected. and i guess i was partly whining exaggeratingly, but i questioned God, why? why is this so tough? why must i go through so much? and i heard Him clearly say, "because you were meant for greater things." the rest were unclear, but what i got was that, i have to do this, i have to put myself through med school so that God can use me to help people. i always get freaked out thinking about the future, if SAM is already such a challenge to me, how am i gonna survive med school and the emotional distress in medicine as well? will i really spend my life crying away, crumbling from stress or overly affected by people? How can i survive this? as i pondered this, i really felt like God's plan, or what i am quite sure it is at least, is too big for my life, for me, and i don't even know the half of it. i.. just don't think i'm strong enough. and yet God keeps telling me "I am strong enough to hold you." but stupid human me, simply can't let go. oh how i keep praying for strength nowadays, i feel like such a wimp lately. but perhaps it is only the truly brave that dare to admit that they are weak and in need of God's strength? still, courage is jumping, even though you're scared. it running the race although you're tired. and it's holding on, when you feel there's nothing good left in you.
"Oh how many times, have i broken Your heart? Still You forgive, if only i ask. and how many times have You heard me pray, draw near to me."
- All for Love
and it hit me today, if i am so disappointed in myself, how much more disappointed is God in me? when He knows just how much i am capable of? if my heart is broken, how much more broken is His? sigh..
this is a really good video!! even if you've watched it before, do watch it again! i was really touched when i rewatched this! :)
thinking of Jesus and the easter story today, made me feel like i didn't deserve grace at all. i was screaming it in my mind even, i am so undeserving, and after all the times i've messed up, how can You still give grace so freely Lord?
"When you have lost what is most dear to you, only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."
- excerpt of The Beatitudes
"I am no fool because i give what i cannot keep to gain what i cannot lose."
- a guy i forgot, but this has soo much meaning!
what are we chasing today? are we trying to gain what we cannot keep, earthly possessions that mean nothing eventually? deep.
LONGSUFFERING. i like this word.
"With great power comes great responsibility."
- Spiderman
well i should really be asleep now. Good night! :) and if like me, you find yourself discouraged and exhausted, don't lose heart just yet kay? fight this fight, one day at a time. and google tulip farm images if you really need something to cheer you up aites! :)
sky view of gorgeous tulip farms! i must visit one one day! :D
love,
candice.
LIKE! haha. heads up buddy! :)
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