i guess the biggest thing in my brain right now is how we're gonna play the writing-about-you-on-a-paper-on-your-back game again on the LAST ENGLISH CLASS EVER of SAM next friday. it felt so recent, us playing that game on the very first day of college this year. i remember being so excited to do so, digging my brains thinking of what to write that might be different than just 'friendly', and knowing from after that exercise, that this year was gonna be a good year. what strikes me the most is that i remember all these, like it was yesterday. this whole year i've been saying that time has been passing really quickly, and now i'm like whoa. next week is gonna be the last week of SAM already. and to be honest, i'm feeling rather emo now. it finally hit me, that this awesome chapter of my life is coming to an end soon. and i don't know how to react to this, i just feel all jumbled. i am excited for next friday, for this nostalgic activity, but i have no idea what's gonna happen then. no idea what my friends are gonna write this time, no idea if people will end up crying or laughing, no idea how we're gonna say goodbye.
sigh. and today i was watching the news during dinner, and there was this car crash that happened this morning, and the names of the people that passed away were just listed on the screen, as if it was just like any other list. and i was struck by the thought of no matter how many friends you have, how many people you know, this world will always be filled with strangers. strangers that have their own stories to tell, stories we may never get a chance to hear. and that's kinda sad, don't you think?
today was sean's burfday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i shall upload the picture of his watermelon when mich posts it up! hahah it was so cute! :D it was really fun screaming at each other about how to 'prepare' the watermelon for presentation tho. (a watermelon that elena's parents left at the guardhouse for us. hahah!) another reason to be sad bout SAM ending, who else can we hold a lighted watermelon singing happy birthday for/with after this? :)
i'm so messed up right now. i have that uncomfortable feeling that just won't go away.
this is so sad!
'Someone woke up today.
Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead.
Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left.
Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left, they said
"I love you. Have a good day. I'll speak to you later."
Someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left, they said
"I love you. Have a good day. I'll speak to you later. I love you. I love you."
And they replied
"I love you."
And they kissed them goodbye.
For the very last time.
Someone woke up today. But they won't wake up tomorrow.'
- www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com
today i read this email my sister sent me, about the biggest regrets people have right before they die. i'm so scared of one day realizing that i have so many regrets but no way of making things right. i'm so scared of doing this wrong, of living my life incomplete. am i satisfied with how i have lived thus far? am i satisfied with everything i am? if i die tomorrow, what are the regrets that i would have?
most of all, i.. would regret not telling more people about God. i would regret not being brave enough to do all the radical things, stupid things, unbelievable things i always wanted to do. i would regret all the times i didn't treat people right, all the times i picked me over them. i would regret never getting to become a doctor, never getting to save a life. i would regret having so many regrets.
and recently miss doh told us about the requirements of being a doctor. you MUST be sympathetic, not empathetic. yea.. i don't know if i can. lately the question of 'am i cut out to be a doctor?' have been playing round and round my mind, nagging, irritating, questioning. it seems like i do everything wrong, my hands feel very weird and shaky, i'm too emotionally attached to everything, i need my sleep (a lot more lately, somehow) and i get scared irrationally sometimes. all along my reason for being a doctor has simply been to help people, and because i think it's what God has called me to do. and as much as i try to have faith in this issue, i mean i don't doubt God, i just doubt myself hearing God ocassionally, and i wonder, what if i'm wrong? i can imagine myself living a different life, not as a doctor. perhaps as a social worker or a field worker at UNHCR or something. a job that might demand less time, and more passion, and more interaction with people. i mean, probably above all, i love people. i love talking with them, though on my emoody days i might not.. and perhaps in that scenario, i'd have more time for a family, for missions, for the freedom to live each day differently, to do one thing that scares me each day, to be useful to society in more than just one way. this would be a nicer, easier, more relaxed option. yet.. i don't know if this is meant to be. and so, perhaps the only reason i'm going through with medicine is the conviction in my heart i believe God's placed there. i have no clue which uni i'll be in next year, no clue if i can survive medicine(oh man i pray i can, for my parent's sake especially), no clue if i can deal with death, stress, decisions everyday, no clue on how i will fill in the shoes God's placed in front of me. but the everlasting truth is, if it's God's plan for me, it'll work out. He'll open the necessary doors, and He'll give me the strength to do so. the lesson i've learnt this year, is that the reason i could rely on God's strength so much was because i had absolutely no strength of my own left to stand on. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9. :)
i was considering just posting a part of the email my sister sent me, but there was meaning in every little part, so i figured i'd just post everything la. here goes! :)
Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, but in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.
Choose happiness.
i know it's lengthy, but it's really good stuff. i bolded the stuff that stood out to me. :)
i do feel a bit better after dumping most of my thoughts here. thanks dear reader, for listening/reading. :)
michelle's interpretation of how sean looks. clearly, this is why she is in the SCIENCE stream and not the arts. :P
aww, good times. good times. :)
and...
not forgetting the birthday boy. :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEAN! :D
love always,
candice
No comments:
Post a Comment