heartbeat

Dear Lord,

i want so much to do the right thing. but.. what is the right thing? what is the road You want for me? Some days i feel so burnt out Lord, like i don't want to be me anymore. i want to be stubborn, rash, impulsive, irresponsible, risky, exciting. i want to do everything wrong, just because i want to. and yet i feel that all familiar conviction, that that's not the right thing to do. that Your way is the best way. that everything You plan out for my life is for it to turn out better than i could have ever imagined. i still remember my meeting with rose Lord, i was so certain then that there should be no regretting following Your way at all, and the opportunities let go along the way are nothing compared to Your great plan. now i'm having trouble keeping true to those words. i wanna be honest with You Lord, some days i get so angry that You would give me good things and then turn my life in such a way that i have to let go. i have on more than one occasion resented You for the obstacles You have placed in my life, the ones i talk about so easily when they aren't in my life. God You know how i used to be when i was young, how i'd give in to people sulkily and purposely do what was asked of me with a bitter heart. i think that lately i've been acting that way with You too. with a "FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY! i'll make You regret this" attitude. but Lord i'm sorry. i don't know if i should even be getting angry at You, cause that's rather disrespectful ain't it. after all You've done for me, it seems so stupid and inconsiderate to be acting this way at all. i truly am sorry God, please, teach me the right way to deal with all these emotions within me.

so Lord, i just pray that You'll teach me to follow Your way Lord. that You would break me if that's what it takes to use me for Your glory. that even if coming trials are gonna break my heart, or exhaust me completely or just leave me dead empty, teach me Lord to surrender my life with You. i know that You have called me to die to self. to put Your desires for my life above my own. God i know i cannot do this alone, it's too difficult and i have barely any strength left. help me Lord Jesus, to see beyond the 'now', to reject instant gratification, but to hold out for so much more and see the bigger picture. at the end of the day God, if You ask me to go, I will go, as much as i don't want to, if it's what You ask of me, I will go. and i will go knowing You love me tremendously, and that Your way will give me life and life to the fullest.

Father God, please also give me the strength to hold on Lord. when things get tough, when i start to lose my spirit, when all i want to do is just give up, help me to go on, just a little bit more, just a little bit more, until i see You waiting for me at the finish line. i know You aren't a mean God that loves watching me suffer, that's such a ridiculous notion even. i know You care for me more than anyone ever would, and Lord if ever i forget that in the future, and i know i will, i pray that You would bring me back on my knees again, to remember that You reign over my life, now and forevermore.

i see all the tears about to flow, heartbreaks yet to come, pain about to be endured, and i get so so terrified Lord. but i choose this Lord. i choose the narrow way, and though i know i will falter and crave the wide road again, i choose You. i pray that this prayer would always be a reminder, and encouragement to move forward, holding Your hand and letting go of anything that isn't a part of Your will for me. no matter what happens Lord, i will still trust You and i will always love You. Thank You Lord, for loving a sinner such as me.

Amen.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
- Mercy Me

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
— C.S. Lewis.