meaning

as much as i love having breaks from schooling/college life, i hate long holidays. i'm rested enough already! it's in moments like these where i barely have anything to do but hang out that i begin to ponder on the meaning of my life. and... i usually have no answer regarding 'right now'. :/

i've been looking for miracles lately. i don't know why, or i can barely remember when i started to, but the desire to witness a miracle so huge in the life of anyone around me has become really great. this year, God has worked countless miracles in me, blessing me with so much more that i expected to receive, and it felt, it feels amazing. and i don't know, it feels like i don't want to look at myself anymore, i want to see God move in the lives dear to me, i want to see broken families healed, i want to see battles won, i want to see obstacles conquered, i want to see God in my midst, i want to see God.. everywhere. i guess to some it's a pretty random desire, but i've decided, that's all i want for Christmas this year. :)

i think i learnt a lot from various people this year. but perhaps the biggest lesson i learnt this year, was to be patient. to be patient with angry people, difficult people, crazy people, all kinds of people la. to be patient in wanting to make a difference, to be patient in seeing God's plan over my life unfold, to be patient in all things that i do. and just today i read in elena's blog that she learnt so many lessons through difficulties. i agree completely, the greatest lessons that we learn are those we gain through tough experiences, through the obstacles we have overcome.

recently i went to cameron highlands for a family holiday, and it was quite enjoyable! :) i love visiting small towns and seeing the way locals live, i love seeing schools in rural areas and being so amazed, simply because. i love seeing people live their lives, so simple, so easy, so contented. we visited this huge Boh tea plantation and had to walk like 3km into the woods to find it, but it was worth it. deep there in the vast plantation, was a settlement, a community of its own. and i thought it was really cool, for entertainment, the kids there have each other. they live such simple lives, so.. free. and on many different occassions i have wished to live such a life. where i didn't have to face the constant burden and pressure of studying hard and of receiving results, where i didn't have to try so hard to fit into a difficult world, where life wasn't so.. complex. i think i would quite enjoy living a simple life, of plucking tea leaves, or catching fish in the sea (?).

but yet.. it would be an empty desire. like i always say, there are some dreams we dream, and other dreams we make come true. this, isn't it. at least, i don't think so.. a part of me wants to live completely free to do whatever i like, live every single life possible on earth, to soak up the wholeness of life in collecting experiences from life everywhere. but a larger part of me, refuses. that larger part of me doesn't want to follow the easy desires of my heart, it wants to follow the desires of God's heart. to live the life He want me to live, a life of servanthood. i am reminded that it is in difficulty that i learn to give God my all. and over and over again, i have felt God tell me that this is what He wants for me right now, to go study medicine the best i can and leave the rest up to Him. somedays, it sounds so impossible that i could do all this, and i just cannot believe that the voice i am hearing is really God's. still, i know. still, i cannot run. still, i must prepare my fields for rain, i must prepare myself for God. and at the end of my life, i may have scars and wounds, i may be exhausted, but if i lived according to God's will, i will have lived.. a life worthwhile.

today as i walked out of chosen treasure, i pondered, what does it mean to live the Christian life? what does it mean to be.. free?
in some areas of my life, i have wanted to do things my way, to have it all about me and only me. i want to be free to make my own mistakes, my own choices, and collect my own experiences. and when i am bound by thoughts such as these, i struggle with the voice of reason within me that says seek God. i struggle, because i am afraid of God's answer, will it be the one i want to hear? always, when i look to the future and imagine future difficulties, future pain, i get so terrified, how will i ever make it through? which makes me afraid to make the wrong decisions. this is my burden, overthinking. many people have told me so. and in my prison of thoughts, i will discover that i have a way out, not a safe way nor an easy one, but the right one. the Bible says "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right hand, or whenever you turn to the left." - Isaiah 30:21. i think, that in the grand scheme of things, that, is what it means to be truly free. to have a God that does not condemn, a God that catches you everytime you fall. a God that challenges you to be all He intended you to be, and a God that loves you beyond imagination.

because i have a God to turn to when i don't know the answers, i am free.
because i believe in a God that is with me through joys and tears, i am free.
because my God died to redeem me, i am free.
i am free, now and forevermore.
and sometimes i will not get to do what i want to do, i will not get the instant gratification i desire, but it will be such, because God intended a better life of deeper joy for me.
a life that requires.. patience.

The greatest freedom i can experience is by submitting to God-ordained authority.
- Ephesians 5:21

i read this on the cover of a book today!
"in times of despair, God asks, am i not still God?"
LIKE WHOA.

oh and i cut my hair today! guy took SO MUCH hair, i'm practically bald now. :(


letting the good memories give me the faith i need to embrace the future

"..knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
- James 1:3-4

deciding to believe,
candice