the endless question of identity

today i realized how 'small kid' i am and look. :P not sure if i'm too happy bout that, but oh well, i've been happy that way for preetty long anyways. still, like i've said a lot, not sure if i wrote it here before though, that i had already built a comfortable life in malaysia, good friends, family, FOOOD, spiritual support, opportunity to serve. and her i am starting from scratch. somedays i re-read the notes i received from my dearest friends, and i can't help feeling that the me they describe isn't really the same me i am now, and that's not in a good way. here i've to start from scratch re-building my identity, finding the me that fits into this environment, or stands out in a good way, one i'm happy with, one God would be proud of. but who would that be?

looking back at the old zoo, tugu negara, kl tour pics made me feel.. WAHH. i so happening last time wan ar? haha. and i'm afraid i eventually lose that stupit cina boy who'd snap close ups and get on mich and kor's nerves, and make elena whack me, and irritate lilian. i know i'm going in circles here.

still, life is okay here. i'm really blessed to be surrounded by good people, though jerks who make stupid sounds at me from their car still gets on my nerves, but still, mostly good people. :) i'm blessed to have found a lifegroup i'm comfortable in, with people i know will eventually become like family. i'm blessed to be here at all, studying, fulfilling my dreams. and i guess this really is the challenge God's put before me, to still dare to be me even when everything, EVERYTHING in my life has changed. will i still serve when i don't feel comfortable here yet? will i still be a good friend to whoever needs me whenever, even on days i just wanna come home and be alone? will i still praise God when the storms in my life overwhelm me?

and i miss really, being surrounded by people who really knew me, people who'd encourage me with the right words, because they've seen me overcome obstacles in me, because they know me enough to believe in me. kor says i miss being the center of attention. ahhahah maybe. :P but what really brought tears to my eyes was the honest prayer over me by a friend in my lifegroup. here's a guy i've never met before, who prayed that i would be a blessing to other people, for God to be with me as i struggle with loneliness and ended his prayer by thanking God for 'this amazing lady'. as many people including mrs sharon would say, i'm hardly ladylike. REGARDLESS, i was enormously blessed by that prayer that night. for so long, i've just wanted to be okay here, to remember what it felt like to have a friend's honest encouragement, to just fit in. but i remembered, that i'm not just here for me. :) i'm here to be obedient to God, to serve others, to study hard in order to be a blessing to others in the future. thank You God, for the love of strangers, for always being You even when i struggle to be me. I love You Lord! :)


don't forget this girl self! :)

love,
candice