yesterday i had a really... peaceful day. it's strange really, no other word to describe it. after the health enhancement tutorial i had in the morning, i left for my GP site visit in Berwick. to get there, i had to take a bus then a train then another bus, all in places i've never been before, all unfamiliar territory. it was a bit intimidating at first, but then i came to see it as such an adventure! lol, especially since one of the things i've always wanted to do was ride a train somewhere, anywhere i've never been and just.. explore. see how people live and such. and just travelling for like one and a half hours alone brought me such.. peace. i got to watch people, smile at strangers, help people who weren't sure of their way and just soak in the fact that right now at least, life is good. i wish i was more daring though, to talk to people i didn't know, see if i could have a conversation with them that would bless them for the day, or put a smile on their face. i passed so many faces that day, some of which remain in my head still. i remember the old grandfather pushing his granddaughter in a stroller nudging her to call me che che. i remember the aged couple walking together into and off the train, slowly but together, and how the lady joked about dandenong being dande-long-legs. that really made me smile. i remember the old man at the bus stop who smiled and chatted with me for a bit about which bus he was gonna take, and the kind ladies that helped me find the bus stop in berwick. something bout journey felt really surreal for me. haha, i don't know why.
i reached the GP like an hour early, and i just kept on in that mood, of just observing the life and beauty all around me. the GP was really kind and nice to me, and helped me find the suitable patient for my case commentary. this awesome lady she found told me her story later on in another room, of how she fell into drugs and how tough her life was, yet now she worked as a social worker. i dared myself to ask the difficult questions, encourage her. but it was harder for me than awkward for her i think, cause she was just so friendly and open. so i asked, how she gave up drugs, not thinking it'd be related to my project, but just so eager to know about how human will can overcome so much. i told her not to be ashamed cause she's an inspiration to other people who are still lost. and she told me something i found really profound, that she knew it'd be a good testimony to others, but she didn't want to keep re-living her past by sharing her story to people everytime. she wanted to live out a new story now, a new chapter. and i guess that statement offered me a lot of perspective, that things weren't always as black and white as i figured.
and as we chatted too, i realized how everyone has a story to tell really. there are people i pass everyday without a second thought after, bus drivers, students, lecturers, just ordinary people. this lady was someone i would have just disregarded eventually too, yet she had such a brave story to tell. i never want to underestimate people, or judge them beforehand. some people i wouldn't have pegged to be 'good boys' are actually tutoring for free too. and it's just, so much wonder to take in, how truly beautiful people can be sometimes. i'm just amazed God. :)
oh and i got to see a pap smear during my visit! bit awkward but it was really educational!
anyways, left the GP feeling pretty good cause i got to meet so many people and my GP was just the nicest woman la. and i come out.. just to witness this HUGE rainbow in the sky. first thing i did, was say thanks to God. haha, it was a really good day for me, and i was just so relaxed at the end of it though. i loved looking out of the bus window seeing all unfamiliar sights, houses and people and dogs and malls. sigh.. :) i think it was one of the rare days i actually enjoyed being alone, took advantage of that in the sense that i could do anything i liked, talked to anyone i wanted to without awkwardness with a person i was with, who perhaps did not enjoy the day as much as me. i felt really.... free. i guess loneliness right now isn't too bad, and to some extent maybe i am the one inflicting it on myself. still, it's okay, i'm coming to terms with me being here away from the familiar. in the moments i am alone, walking to uni, going home after, studying in the library after hours, riding the train to the city, times like this, i get to reflect on who i am, what i am doing now, who i wanna be, my dreams, my loves, my passions, my future. i get to remember memories from long ago and just dwell on a moment from my past that made me laugh or smile or just a time when everything felt right. i may not be as stupit or crazy as i used to be, but it's okay, cause i'm learning so much more now still. i'm starting to understand it's not multiple-personality disorder, it's really just.. life. :) and it's bittersweet, always have been, always will be.
and i thought, i should really do this more often. like maybe once a month, just go somewhere in the middle of nowhere, simply to test my limits. to do things that scare me. yea.. i'm gonna try to do one thing a day that scares me. :)
there's alot of things about my future that i am so uncertain of, so much i can't imagine myself doing yet. even tutoring, i can't imagine what that's gonna be like, will it be tough? will i not have the courage or self-confidence to go on? what if i can't believe in my student? what if this, what if that? and just lately i think God's been sorta expanding(?) my spiritual gift? i've always thought my gift was compassion, and i have always felt for those who suffer. but now, it seems like there's so many people suffering around me, and i'm feeling it like never before, can't explain it. and i'm just so.. afraid of the years to come where i'll have to watch beautiful children go, and patients i've come to adore, i have to see people suffer day after day in the future. can i really do this? i'm really REALLY enjoying what i'm doing right now, meeting people, the stuff i'm learning. and at the GP i figured, it'd be pretty nice to be a GP too, to meet people and have the same patient coming to you for over 20 years? but deep down i knew that wasn't enough for me, i wanted to be at the front line, making my difference for people who needed help immediately, to keep working, doing everything i can to fix everything i can. wanted? want. that's what i want. but the trade-off for making that difference, for being stretched thin to be useful, is to watch firsthand day by day the people i cannot help, the ones who suffer in healing or dying, the ones i just have to watch as they fade away. with the passion to undergo this challenge is a crazy immense fear, of never-ending tears and personal pain. and i have to ask again God, can i do this? can I do this? the small rainbow kid? yet, knowing He's a prayer away gives me comfort, and strength, knowing some things i will learn along the way, and others have always been in me, waiting to be unearthed. where will i be in 10 years, 15? married with kids? on a mission in third world countries? in a hospital realizing maybe that's where God's calling me instead? a GP? i don't know, i absolutely don't know. and once again.. i think that that's okay. God's taking care of that for me. :)
Dear God, please teach me to let go. to help me be okay with not being able to fix everything, please be my comforter and strength as i watch myself be not enough time after time, but really just surrender every failure and every victory to Your hands. I will still trust You Lord.
recently like i said, i've been very touched by hurting people and horrible circumstances for them, and i asked God why. to be honest i got angry even, how He could let them hurt so badly, and even when they came to Him, some were still lost, tired, aimless. and then i remembered this shooting that happened in a primary school some years ago, and how when people demanded of the local pastor WHY, he said.. one thing's for sure, God's heart was the first to break. and i realized how self-righteous i thought i was in comparison to God. like how stupid does that sound now? i wouldn't have the capacity to feel such a way, i thought, if my Maker who made me in His image, didn't have those feelings too. and imagine how much more He hurt for the things i hurt for! i was just amazed at this revelation. time after time i've prayed Break my heart for what breaks Yours and now when He grants it, i wasn't wise enough to realize. man i'm just.. learning so much here and it's pretty amazing. i just pray that God will use me now in whatever way He wants to and that i never have to say no to Him again.
and i know, that He's watching over all the people i care for and worry about. :)
yea so right now, i really am living for the little things, trying to stretch myself out and make the most of this year. throughout last year i knew that it would be the best year i've had so far, which made it strange for me to hear some others say that it's been a tough year for them. four months in, i'll say that it's been a tough year, challenging, exciting, different. in the two and a half months i've been here, i've had so many ups and downs, days where i feel so alone i can't stand it, days i just want to be surrounded by the loud noise of my friends, days that were okay, magical days like yesterday, and days where i'm genuinely happy, genuinely noisy, genuinely crazy. but like i said, i realized that that's not all i am, it is not just stupitness that defines me, and i don't want to keep trying to define me, to write a resume to assure myself and the world that i am of value. i know i am valuable in the eyes of my Father, i know who i am.. most days. and i'm tired of trying to prove, and promote myself to the world. no more definitions, i gotta learn to take me as i am. no more wishing people knew the me before i came here, knew who i used to be. maybe this is what God meant when He told mei ying to tell me to let go. i live in an ocean of possibilities, and each moment i decide who i'm gonna be. and that alone shall be the basis of my image amongst those around me now. but yea, each day i know i'm growing stronger, each day i'm learning something new, and though i forget it sometimes, everyday i know i have something to thank God for.
thank You God, for showing me the beauty in the unfamiliar. :)
love heaps,
candice
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