just breathe

The thought that i held in for most of the day was..

Lord, i don't wanna go back yet.

i'm not ready to go back to melbourne. and i'm so so much more sad and scared this time around because i know what it's like there. i know that there are lonely nights i will have to face, days where i feel so so incredibly discouraged and moments i just wanna give up completely. now that i know that, i know exactly how much more i'm leaving behind. friends, family, freedom, home.

but i wanna dedicate this post to a special group of people very close to my heart. people i believe bring out some sort of best in me. hahah. i know i will miss them heaps when i'm there, thinking of the days we do silly things together. who's gonna sing loud off-key music with me in the car now? in whose car? where am i gonna find people who'd plan uber budget vacations we can all enjoy together and have the perfect mix to make the trip memorable? who's gonna play baseball with me with a cheapo 5-dollar plastic bat in the middle of nowhere? who's gonna scold me for being so irritating all the time? sigh.

people ask me a lot, you and your friends are pretty close huh? why ah, one year only! compared to other friends i've know for longer. but i think, it's chemistry. we all just fit somehow. and we make up for what one another lacks with different plus points and with this exact blend, we form a really amazing friendship. we've got crazy people and stern people, forever loud people and occasionally loud people, normal people and elena, and i'm just so thankful God let me meet them all. :)


i know i should be thankful. not so much upset because i have to leave now, but to be like, really thankful for every single happy memory they've given me and turn that into a sort of strength and reminder that our friendship is real and that there will be more good times to come when we reunite. i know i should live in the present moment, and be glad i had an awesome vacation and be refreshed to go back and study hard to fulfill my dreams and make my parents proud. but i'm not that strong. i'm not the kind of person that does well with a good vacation, cause it just makes it harder to go back to reality.

i guess i'm just whining now. i'm scared of what's to come, knowing there's tears and pain in the future but trying to be hopeful for even more good moments and joy in there too. melbourne's not ALL THAT BAD. there are good people there too, and life can be quite nice sometimes. i know i gotta go back, to learn even more, to meet the people God wants me to meet, to do His work there obediently and to just live out His will for me. i just hope now that i can shake the heaviness in my heart about this. help me Lord i pray.


and don't let me lose this girl either God. please. i just started to remember her.





still, thanks God. no matter how sucky things get, i know You'll be with me every step of the way. i know You're there in my every tear and every joy. that, i can always count on. :) just.. help me through the coming obstacles i pray.

i'm really gonna miss you people. i love you all to bits. :')

scared,
candice