power

Today was the Gong Xi dinner at Crisis Home that I've been looking forward to for a while now. We had Yee Sang and sparklers and ice cream and yummy food.. ah such a good party! :)

But what blew me away most though, was the praise and worship led by Tim and Sam, something we hardly ever do when we visit Crisis Home. Man, it was SO powerful though, I felt the Holy Spirit stir in me so strongly I felt like I was about to break out in shaking again. It was incredible, and I love that this wasn't a huge camp/conference worship session (as much as I love those), but that it was just a humble one with just a guitar and soft singing, yet I could still feel Him just.. flood that place. Later, Uncle Isaac encouraged us youths to lay hands on a new uncle there, Uncle Yip, who was recovering from meningitis or something like that, and lost his memory after open head surgery and was not completely stable mentally now. And even in those short moments we stood by him and prayed in tongues, I felt an incredible sense of power in that place. It's so hard to describe that feeling, one you definitely have to experience to even imagine.

For so long now, I've been inclined towards believing that my prayers have no power. I cannot bring myself to believe for blind eyes to be opened or diseases to be healed immediately while praying for a person although I do know with all my heart that God can do things like that, and that He has done it over and over and over again. It started off as a seed of thought but grew so subtly that I didn't notice that mindset taking over so much of my thoughts, until today. With my hand laid towards Uncle Yip and my mouth still praying in tongues, I felt God say "You were mistaken all along. It is not that your prayers have no power, it's that they have SO MUCH power. Remember that that power comes from the Holy Spirit too, not yourself. Don't let the devil win by making you think otherwise after a few letdowns and thus cause you to stop praying, no, keep praying those powerful prayers, and keep fighting the enemy." I tried to put down in words what God spoke to me about today as best I can, but really sometimes when God speaks to me, all I get is a feeling, a realization of the truth all along, and to explain that is pretty tough la.

So yea, I am still pretty amazed at how tonight went, not just that part, but also the joy in the fellowship as we played with sparklers, things the uncles haven't touched in 30 over years apparently. :) Oh how I loved it, thank You so much for a beautiful beautiful day God. :)

Hahah and oh, as Uncle Yip was leaving with his parents, he shook my hand and said "cuk lei.. er, cuk meh ah? cuk lei wan to yat ko hao ge lam pang yao la :)", which translates to, I hope you find a good boyfriend. It was really sincere on his part, and yea I laughed it off childishly saying, not yet la, chung mei. But still, as I thought about it after, I felt quite moved by those simple, seemingly irrelevant words. I mean, I'm at a stage of my life where friends are beginning to pair off, and I think you know, of all the expectations I have of a future partner, and I really just wonder if 'he' could even exist. In Uncle Yip's words, I somehow felt encouraged, that he meant it that I shouldn't have to ever settle, that I do in fact deserve a good partner one day in the future. Seemed quite timely too, and yea, just quite moved really. :)

One of my resolutions this year is that I will be brave. If I want to know something I will ask, and if I want to do something but am scared, then I will do it afraid. I was very inspired by Tim today, as he stood in front of grown men, and challenged them to live for more, with powerful, godly words that might have lost its oomph if delivered by a young, less experienced voice. And though his voice was still young in comparison to the uncles there with years more experience, he spoke with an authority that I felt so strongly came from God. I was so blown away I tell you, by his courage to speak the truth, even though people may not listen, even though he might have been afraid. What mattered was simply.. following the heart of God. So that's already three timely and meaningful lessons/inspirations for me today. Praise the Lord. :)


Much blessings and love,
Candice

sanctuary

I love this picture.


This is my sanctuary. :)


Love heaps,
Candice

be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle

It's Chinese New Year again. :) Before the ang paus, and yearly family gambling-bonding, there was.. SPRING CLEANING. :) Well I'll be honest and say I don't like cleaning very much but it was a pretty good experience. It's nice seeing the house so clean now, and feeling proud of the work we all did together. Life's a climb, but the view is great eh? :) I think what was perhaps the most humbling experience this time, was sorting out all my dad's old bills and letters, up to from 3 years ago I think, CRAZY STUFF. Still, as I sat there and sorted and rearranged, I realized how much responsibilities and bills come with growing up, there are water bills, phone bills, uni fees.. Seemed never ending. I felt so.. humbled, so in awe, realizing how much effort my dad has to put in to keep me in university, and my family in our house. And he never complains about that.

And so I think about him, who has so much to worry about but can still find time to spend with his family, and can still laugh and play with us, and even so generously buy me new shoeS for Chinese New Year ( :P ).. and then I think about me, who has been going through just minor life stuff, yet I've been moping and hoping people would be extra nice and kind to me that I might get through this season of my life. Hence I am reminded.. to be kind, because everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. The world doesn't revolve around me, and I've been so caught up with my own emotions that I have simply forgot that there are others around me hurting or struggling too. And for all I know they've already been accommodating me despite their own worries.

And just as I cleaned out my daddy's bills, I cleaned out some drawers in my life too. I realized as I looked back on so many different memories, that that is not who I am anymore. I'm not in high school anymore, fighting to prove myself through activities and studies. I'm not living my fairy tale college life anymore where I got to hang out with my friends everyday, had the various avenues to serve others and feel so joyful, and when it was easier to do well academically with last minute and less in depth studying. You know what, I'm not even the girl who's going to study overseas for the first time, I've already done that and gained new experience. I'm heading back to Melbourne in less than a month wiser, older, with memories of that place, and a different but still existent sense of home there. And though I'm scared, I know, I'm not that girl anymore. That's not my life anymore. My life is here, my life is now.

I realize that I often try to neatly package and describe myself, because I don't like not understanding me, or maybe, more so, I don't like it when I'm not the person I want to be. I don't like it when I fall short of my standards for myself. But once again, before an empty page, I question.. who do I want to be? More importantly, who am I and who will I be? Truth is.. I don't know. This I do, I know what I don't want to be. When I woke up yesterday morning on cho yat, I was feeling wayy grumpy. I didn't want to smile or greet relatives or give in to little things, I wanted to be grumpy and have everyone understand. My sister came into my room soon after and helped me out with my hair I think, and she reminded me that 'It's a choice', with a tone that somehow implied I said that to her once before.

And then I felt even more eeyurgh for a bit, why is it so difficult to always make the right decisions in life? Why can't I just be perfect and then stop having to keep pushing myself to be someone I would accept? Why does this battle against my will never seem to end?

.. I recently turned 18. In some if not most places, that's considered an adult. You know how when you're kids and you make mistakes, your parents apologize for you or forgive you, because you're young, and it's okay to make mistakes when you're young and didn't know any better. Well, I'm old enough now. I'm old enough to know how to help out with chores at home even if I don't feel like it, old enough to take the center seat in the car even if nobody wants it, old enough to know not to fight back, old enough to control my own emotions so that it will not blind me to the needs of others. Somewhere along the way I grew up, and I think now more than ever, I need to keep those standards upon myself. Even if I don't feel like it, especially then. Right now I'm old enough to be the one that makes sure I never become someone I don't like or never wanted to be.

At some point, you just have to tell yourself, enough is enough. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm not gonna let anything rob me of living life to the fullest anymore. I'm not gonna let my circumstances rob me from being a blessing to someone else's life.

Oh and about worrying for finances, my answer came from my dad himself a couple of days even before I sorted through the bills. He told me that money came from God and when the money ran out, God would replenish it. :) I stood there blown away by his answer, knowing it was exactly what I needed to do - trust both my daddies, especially Big Daddy. God promised to bring me through this didn't He? And so He shall. :) I know that in that discussion between me and my dad, we were talking about different faiths, but still I was pretty darn amazed and convinced with his heartfelt answer. Thank You God, for such a timely answer from an unlikely source. :)

Speaking of finances, me, my dad and my sisters began gambling again. I do it for the fun of it, and well, money isn't a big deal between us in the house anyways, we always help one another out if we're tight so for me it doesn't matter if I lose or win. Today as I sat in the 'lucky' seat, I won a bit more. :P I didn't like the feeling of winning so much though, I hated to see that it was at the expense of my dad having to take out more money or my sister being broker than before. Gambling.. haha another small thing that seems to make me wonder again who I really am, and what kind of person that is. Perhaps I think and feel too much.

Still, when all is said and done, I thank You Lord for Your blessings, they are too numerous to count, and I am so sorry that I've kept my eyes on the things I have lost, or never had although I prayed hard for them. So much so, that I forgot to see the life You've laid out for me, that I forgot to keep believing for the even greater I know is out there in my future. Teach me to trust in You again Pops, and I pray that You also teach me to learn to keep coming back to You every time I walk away. I need You Pops, and I know that to keep steadily on Your road for my life is the ONLY thing that will make me who we both want me to be. Help me to keep on this difficult journey Lord, to not make any mistakes I will regret but to always live life with risk, unafraid, sold out to Your cause. Oh how I love You. Help me be strong Daddy, stronger than before, strong enough to alter the emotions within me by refusing to feed to self-pity any longer. Let my life be for You and for others Lord. I need You, oh how I need You now.

Okay this post can't get any messier. I'll stop here. Have a blessed Chinese New Year dear reader! :) Love heaps. :)

hard work

It feels good to be sweating after hard work again. It makes me feel really.. alive. :)

heartbeat

here are some things that made my heart have a delayed beat lately, in no particular order. :)

1. Yesterday I was at YC, and during the altar call, I suddenly felt this fresh perspective wash over me as I saw people getting prayed for in the front. For what could be the first time, I really saw the overwhelming potential in that place, the magnitude of dreams. I felt so strongly that most of these young people were waiting for that turning point in their lives if they haven't already had it, the moment they realize God's call over their lives and have it changed forever. And I was so blown away really, by how all of us put together when fueled by passion could truly change the world for the better, from the very moment each one of them are ignited.

2. When the bunch of us were in Kelantan recently, we stopped to buy some keropok in this shop where Ivan remembered the owner. And he encouraged us to talk to the owner to just hear about his life and how to make keropok. So we all stood there listening to the uncle show us how to slice the meat thingy, and listened as he gave us life advice on picking the right partner, not drinking, not car-racing, and not smoking. :) There was something about that experience that made me really happy, just being able to talk with a stranger in a small town, the closeness of calling someone 'uncle' upon meeting, realizing how we each have our different paths to walk and seeing the beauty of his and his wife's simple lifestyle. Listening to them talk about their daughter, and trip to US to see her, how they couldn't finish one portion of food cause it was so big.. Hahaha, I just loved it la. :) Kind strangers that end up friends will always make my day. :)


While those were the two biggest ones, lots of things and people have been making me happy lately, so I really do feel very blessed. Thank You Daddy. :) And I think, for the stuff I've been struggling with that I mentioned in previous posts.. I've finally found my peace for it. In beautiful moments, I have realized that God still has a beautiful plan for my life, perhaps one different to what I expected, but still.. Breathtaking. :) And like we sang yesterday, "I believe I believe", this year I want to really believe, in His destiny for me filled with goodness, love, peace, joy.. No more self-pity, just.. looking forward with hope. :)

Love,
Candice

the only thing constant in life is change

I've been writing a lot of drafts lately, but these particular thoughts have stuck with me so much that I realized I just had to type it out.

I remember writing about how Melbourne was beginning to feel like home already. But coming back now, I'm starting to remember EVERYTHING I loved, LOVE, about this place. I'm starting to remember the funny memories and touching moments that I thought I would never forget. I'm starting to remember the different food places I used to love and the feeling of serving other people in ways I only can here. And I'm starting to realize how much I deeply miss it all.

It's strange, this walk down memory lane I've been taking. I've been reminiscing a lot lately, for no particular reason. Today I remembered the bee incident some of us went through in 2010 - read the full scoop here - [http://sweetsandpassionfruits.blogspot.com/2010/04/of-trauma-and-pai-seh.html]! :P Today I found the water bottle I sweet-talked my way into getting from the Revive roadshow in college, the one Genie climbed into the longkang to help me retrieve. I walked past the drinks section as I shopped with Pops for Chinese New Year drinks and passed the Justea packets, wondering at what point I forgot that it was the drink I always ordered in coffee shops. Even now, as I am eating some jambu air(s), I am so surprised that I forgot it was my favourite fruit at one point of my life. And I know this may seem like small things, I gotta admit, I do feel like I have been somewhat like a drama queen lately, but still, these small things add up to be of great importance to me. Moreover these are just SOME of the things I've begun to remember.

Sometimes it seems like it'd be better to just forget. To let go of the things that made me happy once, so that I wouldn't miss them when I'm gone. It would definitely easier to move on, to just forget the memories, stories from my past that made me smile, laugh, cry... Maybe what I should do is to just live in the moment, feel whatever it is I currently feel and nothing more. I know I'm being very complex and messy, but please, just bear with me.

But then I thought, at the end of my life, what will I have if not just stories anyways? When I'm 80 and gray, those stories may be the only things I can pass on to my grandchildren. Stories of life, love, loss, passion and dreams. I guess what I'm attempting to convey is that I don't want to be afraid to remember, I refuse to look back and be sad that I'm not still there. I will keep moving forward and looking forward, but when the moments come where I steal a backward glance, I will choose to be joyful for the moments I did have, the time in which God gave me to share in the lives of others.

Help me to ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember what an honour it is to have good memories Lord, and what a blessing it is to have been somebody in other people's lives sometime ago, that every soul I got to spend even a moment with is .. nothing short of Your grace upon my life. Teach me Lord to say my goodbyes with peace, to be unafraid to make new memories although they eventually all just.. become stories. Mold me Lord, even if it hurts, and give me the courage Daddy I pray, to still praise You in my storms, when my days aren't filled with joy. I need You now so much Daddy, and as much as it scares me to say this, I will trust You, come hell or high water.

A sigh of relief. It feels good getting this of my chest. Thank You. :)

reunited

The past few days haven't exactly been easy on me. I would actually say that I started the year off rocky, unsure, unconfident, but a lesson I learnt is that people.. won't always disappoint you. Sometimes you just gotta let them love you, be it having them say it out loud, with a hug, or just being exactly who they are to remind you that you still belong. I thank God for CAR ParK, the crazy six year ride we have had already, moving on to the seventh one! Our relationship is as complicated as.. my bedsheet, one most people cannot understand, one even I cannot accept even sometimes. But even when we don't speak for so long, even when bitterness builds up, even when we face things seemingly alone, there's somehow always a lot of joy and acceptance and forgiveness and LOVE in our reunion events. I don't know what else to say, except that.. I love these girls to bits. Girls who have shaped so much of me, who make me feel like I actually belong somewhere when so often I do feel like a lone ranger. Girls who despite flaws, still manage to stand strong and live life even in the CRAZIEST and toughest of situations. Not to mention, girls who have probably seen me cry the most, heard the worst, and yet still love me for me. I truly thank God for you bunch today, and I mean it when I say that I am so proud of each one of you. :)





I cannot believe we don't have a single NICE group picture. -.-

Other than that, today I lo-sanged with some G8 peeps for the third time! GAWSH, beginning of our third year as friends. It makes me feel so old la, talking about friends in terms of years already, crazy stuff. Today we crashed IMU, and tried to sit in on a lecture (lecturer bailed.. -.-''), and it was.. enjoyable. :) Like I said, with the stuff I've been dealing with, it ain't easy to just be happy in spite of it all. But perhaps that IS what it means to overcome, to not let the enemy steal my joy. I did really genuinely enjoy myself today and I'm just.. really blessed to have this crazy bunch to always cheer me up when my spirits are down.

Lately I've found that in my weakest moments, I have obtained the most joy, or bounced back to joy the fastest and genuinest when I got back to serving. When I start speaking to people again, ministering, loving. Today, I felt it again, I loved the honour of being able to listen. But I truly thank You Daddy for the people that have been hearing me blabber on and on also, for the people that allowed me to borrow their strength in this time of need, and dusted me off and set me straight again. Ah, I feel so so blessed now, despite still a bit broken, but blessed beyond measure. :)

I know this is a pretty random, messy post, but I really am too lazy to re-read and edit this.. so yea. :D Let me just end with this.

So, 2012.. it's gonna be a God year for me. I'm not gonna search or hunt, and as Manda already covered me in prayer about this, this year, really is about the biggest man in my life and no other boys. Hahaha. It's gonna be tough, but I believe God's preparing me for better. This year though, He wants just for Himself. :) I'm excited.. scared, but excited. Do Your thing Pops, and make me beautiful! <3

P.S: You may remember me talking about my perspectives of 'home' a few posts back. Today I realized that Malaysia has its own little charm that Aus will never have, and the people here will always have that special irreplaceable place in my heart.

P.P.S: "Pain is God's megaphone which He uses to rouse a deaf world." - C.S Lewis

With joy, unspeakable joy,
Dice :)

how kids spell love : T-I-M-E

At the end of the day, the most precious gift in friendship you can offer is simply being there. Thank you Rach, it meant so much to me. :)