It's Chinese New Year again. :) Before the ang paus, and yearly family gambling-bonding, there was.. SPRING CLEANING. :) Well I'll be honest and say I don't like cleaning very much but it was a pretty good experience. It's nice seeing the house so clean now, and feeling proud of the work we all did together. Life's a climb, but the view is great eh? :) I think what was perhaps the most humbling experience this time, was sorting out all my dad's old bills and letters, up to from 3 years ago I think, CRAZY STUFF. Still, as I sat there and sorted and rearranged, I realized how much responsibilities and bills come with growing up, there are water bills, phone bills, uni fees.. Seemed never ending. I felt so.. humbled, so in awe, realizing how much effort my dad has to put in to keep me in university, and my family in our house. And he never complains about that.
And so I think about him, who has so much to worry about but can still find time to spend with his family, and can still laugh and play with us, and even so generously buy me new shoeS for Chinese New Year ( :P ).. and then I think about me, who has been going through just minor life stuff, yet I've been moping and hoping people would be extra nice and kind to me that I might get through this season of my life. Hence I am reminded.. to be kind, because everyone I meet is fighting a hard battle. The world doesn't revolve around me, and I've been so caught up with my own emotions that I have simply forgot that there are others around me hurting or struggling too. And for all I know they've already been accommodating me despite their own worries.
And just as I cleaned out my daddy's bills, I cleaned out some drawers in my life too. I realized as I looked back on so many different memories, that that is not who I am anymore. I'm not in high school anymore, fighting to prove myself through activities and studies. I'm not living my fairy tale college life anymore where I got to hang out with my friends everyday, had the various avenues to serve others and feel so joyful, and when it was easier to do well academically with last minute and less in depth studying. You know what, I'm not even the girl who's going to study overseas for the first time, I've already done that and gained new experience. I'm heading back to Melbourne in less than a month wiser, older, with memories of that place, and a different but still existent sense of home there. And though I'm scared, I know, I'm not that girl anymore. That's not my life anymore. My life is here, my life is now.
I realize that I often try to neatly package and describe myself, because I don't like not understanding me, or maybe, more so, I don't like it when I'm not the person I want to be. I don't like it when I fall short of my standards for myself. But once again, before an empty page, I question.. who do I want to be? More importantly, who am I and who will I be? Truth is.. I don't know. This I do, I know what I don't want to be. When I woke up yesterday morning on cho yat, I was feeling wayy grumpy. I didn't want to smile or greet relatives or give in to little things, I wanted to be grumpy and have everyone understand. My sister came into my room soon after and helped me out with my hair I think, and she reminded me that 'It's a choice', with a tone that somehow implied I said that to her once before.
And then I felt even more eeyurgh for a bit, why is it so difficult to always make the right decisions in life? Why can't I just be perfect and then stop having to keep pushing myself to be someone I would accept? Why does this battle against my will never seem to end?
.. I recently turned 18. In some if not most places, that's considered an adult. You know how when you're kids and you make mistakes, your parents apologize for you or forgive you, because you're young, and it's okay to make mistakes when you're young and didn't know any better. Well, I'm old enough now. I'm old enough to know how to help out with chores at home even if I don't feel like it, old enough to take the center seat in the car even if nobody wants it, old enough to know not to fight back, old enough to control my own emotions so that it will not blind me to the needs of others. Somewhere along the way I grew up, and I think now more than ever, I need to keep those standards upon myself. Even if I don't feel like it, especially then. Right now I'm old enough to be the one that makes sure I never become someone I don't like or never wanted to be.
At some point, you just have to tell yourself, enough is enough. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm not gonna let anything rob me of living life to the fullest anymore. I'm not gonna let my circumstances rob me from being a blessing to someone else's life.
Oh and about worrying for finances, my answer came from my dad himself a couple of days even before I sorted through the bills. He told me that money came from God and when the money ran out, God would replenish it. :) I stood there blown away by his answer, knowing it was exactly what I needed to do - trust both my daddies, especially Big Daddy. God promised to bring me through this didn't He? And so He shall. :) I know that in that discussion between me and my dad, we were talking about different faiths, but still I was pretty darn amazed and convinced with his heartfelt answer. Thank You God, for such a timely answer from an unlikely source. :)
Speaking of finances, me, my dad and my sisters began gambling again. I do it for the fun of it, and well, money isn't a big deal between us in the house anyways, we always help one another out if we're tight so for me it doesn't matter if I lose or win. Today as I sat in the 'lucky' seat, I won a bit more. :P I didn't like the feeling of winning so much though, I hated to see that it was at the expense of my dad having to take out more money or my sister being broker than before. Gambling.. haha another small thing that seems to make me wonder again who I really am, and what kind of person that is. Perhaps I think and feel too much.
Still, when all is said and done, I thank You Lord for Your blessings, they are too numerous to count, and I am so sorry that I've kept my eyes on the things I have lost, or never had although I prayed hard for them. So much so, that I forgot to see the life You've laid out for me, that I forgot to keep believing for the even greater I know is out there in my future. Teach me to trust in You again Pops, and I pray that You also teach me to learn to keep coming back to You every time I walk away. I need You Pops, and I know that to keep steadily on Your road for my life is the ONLY thing that will make me who we both want me to be. Help me to keep on this difficult journey Lord, to not make any mistakes I will regret but to always live life with risk, unafraid, sold out to Your cause. Oh how I love You. Help me be strong Daddy, stronger than before, strong enough to alter the emotions within me by refusing to feed to self-pity any longer. Let my life be for You and for others Lord. I need You, oh how I need You now.
Okay this post can't get any messier. I'll stop here. Have a blessed Chinese New Year dear reader! :) Love heaps. :)
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