living in momentum

Today I realized that I've been living in momentum, for the longest time. I haven't decided if it's a bad thing or a good thing, but for the most part, it doesn't feel too healthy. A good friend once told me that I'm always on the move and I never stop, and that she was afraid one day I might fall and lose the momentum to go on any further. I somehow never forgot that, and looking back now, perhaps that is really just all I do. I jog, run, sprint and then stop. And repeat. Over and over and over again.

I hate that my walk with God has always been like that too. At some point last year I found myself running faster than ever before, so passionate and absolutely sold out to God, so open and connected to Him. And here I am now. Stopped. Trying to start over, trying to pick my feet up again and push myself to even greater heights. I hate being where I am now, so far away from God yet so near if only I would put more effort in. This distance is taking such a toll on my soul, I feel grumpy, exhausted, lazy, scared, and lacking the magnitude of the passion I had to serve before. I need God, so much and so bad, but it's only me that can begin this reconstruction, to pick up the pace again.

Being in church felt great today though, and watching the flashbacks of 2011 felt pretty surreal. It was like memories of a past life, cause I've been so caught up in my holiday back home that I kinda forgot about my life here. Forgot about the adventures He has brought me on and through, and the lessons I had learnt. I suddenly thought about all the encouraging things people have said to me throughout last year up till now, and had to wonder, what happened to that girl they were talking about? It was quite upsetting really, being in that place, sure that I'd backslidden but finding the courage to ask God for forgiveness once more. It seems like I had to have used up all my second chances by now, but like today's pastor reminded us, His mercies are new everyday.

I want to start living with a purpose again, a drive and that inner quiet peace that tells me everyday that I can do this. I want to start running again, I want to be passionate once more. I wish to pick up the pace and never lose that momentum again until I see Jesus face to face. But because I am human, I know it's improbable. I change and my sinful nature will cause me to waver. Still, I want to commit to my resolution for this year, which is to get better at coming back to God every time I falter.

So, bring it on Lord, more adventures, more challenges, but above all, SO SO much more of You. :)

Blessings,
Dice