just life stuff

"Be confident, cause confidence is sexy."
- Anonymous

I like that quote.. somehow. :)

I was attempting to study in the library today, but my head was just SO FULL of thoughts that I had to just stop, come home, release and then try again. So here I am, sharing my thoughts. Messy as per usual, but this I can guarantee at least, it's honest. :)

I had a good long talk with one of my housemates yesterday night, after a good long talk with three of them. And as we just prayed for each other in the end, she said "Even though she's younger than the rest of us, help us to remember that we can still learn things from her..". I was very moved by that, but admittedly, still cringe a bit at the Y word. I am younger than most of my friends, because I started school early, or did just a one year pre-university course, or just because they're in higher year levels than me. And very often, I feel the need to work extra hard to prove myself, to fight the limitations that being 'just 18' has put on me.

I've been learning to take 'young' as descriptive, not derogatory, as James once used to describe 'fat'. While a big part of me still feels uneasy when my youth is a big elephant in the room in any of my relationships with people, I am increasingly learning to know who I am, who God sees, and let the rest just slide. I am learning to not let my youth define me, to me. And to just live right now where I am, to the best that I can. To live wholesomely, to love extravagantly, to work hard to be who God wants me to be, to study hard, to be a good daughter, sister, friend.. To have no regrets. To ask when I don't know. To let go and forget things that hurt me, and to be joyful even in challenges. That will be the theme of my 2012.

1 Timothy 4:12
- "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."

Growing up.. isn't as easy as I thought. I have watched myself grow over the past few years, watched myself closer than anyone else did I suppose, well obviously, cause I'm me.. but yea. I saw the subtle changes, the work of God in my life that seemed to move so slowly and steadily, that if I did not keep looking back, and looking back far, I would have missed the unfolding of His masterpiece. And to be honest, I do feel proud of myself as I look back. To remember the challenges I have been through, the defining moments of my life, the ups and downs that all came together to create who I am today. I feel proud, that I've come so far on this journey with God, but increasingly humble and amazed at how much further I have left to go. The more I have experienced, the more I realize that I have even more to learn, grow and experience.

It's March already. :)

Today I ate lunch alone, cause my friends were busy and had errands to run. I used to feel so bad for friends or just people that ate alone. Today I realized, I was one of them. Hahaha. It was an interesting experience, I mean I suppose I have eaten alone before in the past, but somehow this time, I was very aware of it. Even as I walked home alone today, I felt like sometimes, having all the noise and people removed from a few moments every now and then, it can be a blessing. There's something challenging about being alone, I feel like it forces me to reflect on who I am, outside my crazy world, outside performing for others, outside expectations and opinions. Am I confident enough to still be me when I'm alone? How do I really see myself?

Ahh, the sea of thoughts that rage in my mind. But like always, I'll be just fine. :) I feel inspired today to never judge people by their age, especially as I get older here and new, younger people will be coming into our urban life soon. I feel inspired to just never judge already, but that I'm still working on. It's cool though, being a work of God in the making. I'm excited. Slowly, but surely. :)

Patience. That's all I need. :)

Lovee,
Dice