man i've been pretty stressed lately, apparently that's why i'm still sick and coughing like a parrot or whatever, or it could have been the chips wen shi kept telling me not to eat.... =P but there's just a lot on my mind. =) good stuff and troubling stuff. but something really really really amazing happened to me today!!!
i'm in MADU!!!!! well i think i am... all thanks to the superb goo who thought of me as soon as a guy pulled out. =) i was so happy i kept smiling during the meeting.. =D our first project's this saturday, where we going em, i dunno where actually, but to some place like an orphanage where unwanted children are placed. i am really grateful for this opportunity and i really pray that God can use me there, that the kids can feel loved by us all! =)
well other than that, i'm still juggling shava and the musical. and assignments piling up. =P april's gonna be busy busy busy for me! craps, then there's runnat too, i completely forgot! gah. how to juggle.
anyways, i was watching a journey called life just now and it's so sweet la. typical guy meets girl and falls in love with her, but what's so wrong with typical? =) but she couldn't accept that he could love her. and i realized how dangerous that is in a relationship, when you think that someone who actually loves you so much can't possibly do so.
it's something i struggle with with God sometimes actually, but even if you know and believe the truth, it's really difficult to apply it. i mean i mess up a lot, i constantly find myself makinf mistakes and falling short, yet God still loves me and He always will. but if i don't believe it, it would completely jepoardize my relationship with Him because He is love and 1 John 4:19 says that we love Him because He first loves us. i think it's 4:19, or 3:16.... and it's amazing to know that God will always love me, even when i cannot love myself. =) thank you Lord, did i mention that You're really awesome? =)
today my mum saw an obituary for a 25 yr old guy in the paper and she said she couldn't help herself and decided to call up (who i don't know la). and she said she's not a family member but she too had a 25 yr old child and would like to know how he died.. it turns out he died in a car accident. and my sis and dad were kinda erm, so random! and why you suddenly do that kinda thing.. but i was kinda touched by her act, in a way.. can't explain it really but it's like she knew in her heart that we're all connected you know.. and also in the way that all mothers have that maternal instinct, and she knew what it was like having a 25 yr old child and here was another mother who lost hers. and i was pretty overwhelmed by the thought, but i can't explain it in a way that makes sense here. but i admire that she dared to just make the call, and do something so unconventional? =P well, make of it what you will, i know how i felt about it. but remember this kay, that your life is really really precious. =)
mum called me a while ago to go watch bersamamu on tv3, i wrote a post about one of the episodes once. and it was so upsetting, that one of the child's parents were diabetic and so she was born with abnormally big head and her father has only one working leg i think. watching it, i felt that same feeling of sorrow that i always get and i always write about. i remember thinking exactly, 'some people in this world are so strong. they're so incredibly beautiful people who make tough choices out of love.'
and as i was pondering in my sorrow again, i read, in my own blog too, "i'm just astounded by the courage that they possess, especially since they have no other choice but to live with this disability. the courage to live on despite it, not wasting time to self pity and living life to its fullest? and if there are people like them in this world, so strong, so brave, so different, why can't i be like that too? people often say that they just don't have the courage, but the scary part is that courage is not the absence of fear, it's a choice to do something more important than fear. or laziness for that matter. but isn't it so amazing that we possess the ability to do great things? that we have the beauty of God in us, making us capable of really living, doing great things, if we would choose to, and then not back down."
sigh, God, i just don't get it. i believe that You give me these feelings for a reason, that You wanted me to feel for the lost, to still be troubled by their pain and astounded by their courage long after everyone else has forgotten about it. but my question is why Lord? i want to do something badly but i don't know what. and tomoro i'm going to go to college and have 'just another day' God. i can't stand being so completely useless and i hate repeating the same cycle of feeling and forgetting without doing anything! what do i do Lord? please, i pray that You will give me a heart that beats for You and Your people and the faith and boldness to reach out in love, in faith, in conviction. help me be someone i can look up to God, not out of pride but out of humility. sigh.
i'm scared of not being brave enough to choose to do what's right even if it scares the life out of me. but lilian's bottle says, do one thing a day that scares you. i find that really motivational. but the fear in me, at everything, can be so overwhelming and scary. sigh.
i wonder, what must it like to be a good person in a world full of bad people.
well anyways, i'm gonna go start my homework soon. thanks for reading though i didn't really have much deep stuff in my head today.. =) go give someone a hug or call up an old friend k? let's live more!
the penguins didn't show up. =(
love always,
candice!
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