well basically this morning i woke up pretty tired with lots of stuff to do today and i thought, why not just call sam and ask if i can skip MADU today? cause the last time i went i was so sleepy and to be honest i felt like i had lost my touch with kids. and it was just so tiring too.
but then i thought, no i made this commitment, i promised to go, i must go. and i prayed for strength to last the day and love for the children at tengku budriah. and wonders of wonders, today went really well! i was more candice again and a few kids hugged me before they left and now i'm really looking forward to the next time i go. and during the debriefing session mrs sharon and mr.andy (i think), said some pretty encouraging stuff that made me realize like, yea, i did make this commitment, and it's gonna be rewarding. i just gotta stop complaining so much. and as we walked out, i realized, eh i had the energy to laugh and play with the kids the whole time today! and i said thank you God. cause i knew, i really knew that it was His strength i was using, not my own. i mean i just came back from there then imu then cg and i'm still not worn out yet. and for so long i've asked God, what does it mean to rely on Your strength? cause ppl always say, "you're doing this on your own strength. you need to rely on God's strength." and it's become something i say a lot too, without ever really getting what it meant. but now i think, that it means just asking God for help bit by bit, like just pray to get through today. stop asking for permanent strength kinda thing? you get me? live life step by step.
and i was just amazed by God la, cause i haven't been really connecting with Him lately and no matter what i know, i always feel like how he blesses me is directly proportional to how much devotional time i spend with Him and stuff. but that isn't necessarily true, cause no matter how far i am from Him or how naughty i'm being, i am and always will be His beloved daughter. thank You Lord!
but alongside the good stuff, i've been realizing bad stuff bout me too. like i realized i joined so many things wanting to be a part of everything and now it's so difficult to cope. like rose said for agc, it's better to get one thing right then do ten things and fail them all. and i've been trying to do 'ten things', like cg, agc, musical, MADU and whatever else la. and i can't commit to the people in each, i mean i feel like i'm not doing much for my cg members or committing fully to agc, finishing agc homework requires so much effort like that.. basically i feel like i'm failing in everything i do. and i can't stop feeling that way. i guess friday's cf also got me thinking. i think i do all these to try and find my purpose in God and honestly, i have never felt so lost in my life. sigh. i need God so much right now, to show me the way and to tell me what to do.
also i've been thinking about how life moves on. i mean i used to be a runner, a dancer, a secondary school student, a debater, a class monitor and i'm not really any of those anymore. and i see my friends all growing up around me too, some are passing driving tests, some are driving me to parade(lol), some people i know are getting married too, some are leaving college and everyone's just moving on with life. and even if i'm not ready to grow up, i have to. life ain't gonna wait for me. and i just feel that time's moving so fast. eventually i'll find myself in uni or becoming a doctor or getting married or even growing old and that is so so terrifying. life's like a test i'm afraid to fail. and it's scary that i don't know the answers. from who i used to be to who i am now, i'm a college student and i can't think of anything else now (=P). but some things will always remain the same, i am God's daughter and i am loved by Him. =)
still, for every moment i spend in my own world, life goes on. people will leave, people will break your heart, new people will enter your life. and what troubles me is what is my purpose in this life then? to just watch the people that come and go? to just feel what i'm supposed to feel when i'm supposed to feel it and do what i'm supposed to do when i'm supposed to do it? what? this is so frustrating.
and also, at tengku budriah today, i looked in the bilik bayi and saw so many babies in there. like three babies in a crib, and there were a couple of cribs. and the babies were so cute, they needed and deserved so much love and yet they were there at tengku budriah, because their parents didn't want them and thre them away in dustbins and where nots. and i kept thinking, under different circumstances those babies would be in loving homes, with opportunities like mine. under different circumstances, we could have lived each others lives. they were there with unwritten futures and what struck me most was the number of them there. and i'm just talking bout the babies. looking at them really made me wanna cry, i'm very emotional lately somehow, and their cries just sounded so painful and heartbreaking. i mean sidetrack a bit la but the parents i know really love their children. and if, tai ka lai si, someone were to pass away, the parents would be in so much pain and sadness. yet they are children dying everyday without us crying every moment. and i really realized then that the amount of brokenness in this world is too vast for me to comprehend. theire is so much pain and people are so broken in this world. the world's short on love. and as cheesy as it sounds it's so true. so much i wanna help but i can't. my daddy says to just do what little i can now and do bigger things when i graduate as a doctor. but what about the people suffering now? the word brokenness has just really stuck with me all day. what can i do Lord? why do i feel things that other people don't if i can't do anything about it now?
and i hate that thought that comes creeping in always. after i leave tengku budriah i will come home to a nice house, to nice clothes and a loving(though there are inevitable shouts and gahness)family. today i am wearing a tshirt and jeans. but tomoro i'll be in nice clothes, on tuesday i'll be in my sister's work clothes and heels for an awards ceremony. the lives we lead are so different and for the life of me, i just don't know why.
people need Jesus so much. i see them hurting and in need of healing, emotionally physically, in all ways, and i cannot heal them. they need Jesus so much, so i really have to get over the fear of telling them about the God who heals, who loves, who cares more than they could have ever imagined.
sigh alongside all those thoughts cramming my head, i'm thinking about other stuff too. but one thing that's pretty embarassing to share but i will anyways cause i think it's pretty important is to hold out for more when it comes to relationships. everybody needs love and yada yada but really wait a bit longer. it's so tempting to just take whoever's best amongst the people you know or whoever's available. but the person God's set apart for you is out there somewhere and God's preparing him/her to meet you too. i guess what led me to here is looking back at people i knew then to the people i know now. i mean in college, i'm meeting SO MANY more people than i did in school. and i realized there are more people in the world like me, who think like me, who really put God first, who respects and loves and are kind. and if i can meet so many great people like them in college, what more people in the world after i leave coll? i guess, it's like, i'm starting to trust God more. along the way i learnt to never settle for second best or whoever's there, cause the person God's set apart for me is gonna be a gazillion times better, because God planned that. so hold out for more and just wait a bit longer and put your trust in God. He won't fail you.
haha, so that was pretty embarassing cause it's such a girly issue but i guess you never know who might be touched by something like that. =P
i really want to trust God more. to really finally let go of the reins. this is my goal for this upcoming week when i'm gonna be packed with tests and practices, i'm gonna trust God.
it's not that He's not answering you, you're just not pressing on hard enough. don't give up till God answers you kay?
haha it takes me like an hour to write a post and by then i forget the emotions i had when i started writing but i always feel more relieved after a long post. i tend to forget my emotions a lot. like default is hyperness or tiredness, and sometimes out of nowhere sadness and anger and whatever not will just revert back to default. it's so weird really.
i think i'd be a pretty cool grandmother. =)
haha pic of me and my sisters from ages ago.
best chinese meal i ever had. =)
haha thanks guys for the ice cream!
i love you, you, you and you,
candice
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