leap of faith

it's been a while since i posted long posts here! :) here goes nothing, and it's REALLY MESSY!

today i was by myself in KLCC for about two hours i think. gave me lots of time to think and have my music therapy. seems like no matter where i am at home, i can't do this. funny, how i went to a place flooded with people to feel even more alone. not in the weird alone way, just i think i found peace today, in observing the life around me. the lives that move, that interact, that radiate uniquely. it's beautiful really. :) i sat in bakin' boyz(?) observing a father and his two sons in the coin operated batman ride, and it seemed so ordinary, yet extraordinary still. hmm, i'm not making sense anymore, but i loved it, the chance to be still and see the beauty in this world. :) to remember that there are other people living in this world, other stories that are not my own. :D

my sister has been pretty paranoid about how safe malaysian streets are since she came home. and today as we 'braved' the LRT to go to KLCC, i realized how much i didn't wanna see everyone as 'potential bad guy's. it has been so often stigmatized that there are so many foreign workers and poverty-stricken people here that would immediately snatch your bag when they see you. and on this note, how many of us do actually turn away in fright when someone fitting the profile approaches us? today as i pondered about this in the train, i remembered my ESL project on refugees. i wrote against this very stereotyping, and how it wasn't fair to judge people based on their nationality or looks. granted, you can't be naive and oblivious in today's age and time either, but what happened to the benefit of the doubt? seems like things have gotten so bad, that strangers are hardly ever 'family you come to know' anymore. i don't know bout you, but i find that really sad. i passed by so many lonely people today, and i wished that i was courageous enough to speak to them. to simply say hi, or get to know their story, their lives. maybe even to say, "hey, Jesus loves you you know? :)" but i never possessed that courage. or never dared to risk it i guess. partly due to how dangerous this world has become, and it's such a shame really. think of all the people we could know and love if we lived in a 'safe' world.
but perhaps, all i need to do is to start practicing what i preach and just do it. :)

throughout this year, i have on countless occassions also learnt that we have to learn to be the person that others need, not necessarily who we want to be for them. it is important i think, to realize that recognition is not the most important thing. i mean day to day, there are irritable people around us who might be having a bad day. and what we need to do, what they need us to do is give them space, as much as we don't want to. this year i learnt to bite my tongue and hold back anger, knowing that my actions has a greater significance and that in doing so, someone else's life is changed, is better for it. and it isn't something people would remember, but it is so important. like mother teresa says "in the final analysis, it's between you and God, it was never between you and them." and on another example, i have on some occassions this year had friends going through tough times, and naturally when a person cries, i (you too?) would want to do something about it, stop the tears, be the hero. but time and time again, it is vital to recognize what they need, and not what i want to do. to hear their heart's cry and not my own. and in those moments, perhaps the best thing i could do would be to walk away, and let someone else more needed to dry those tears. to let God work and trust, simply. and like i said, this action goes without recognition most of the time, yet it is usually a more difficult option. that's love isn't it? doing whatever it takes for the one you love. haha, just some random thoughts from my mind. :)

i heard this quote once, "if you want to kill me, just take away my reason for living." in all those crime movies, you always see the hero taking whatever mr.badguy throws at him. you can cut the hero, burn him, slice him, he'll hang in there. but hurt the ones he loves and it's a different story altogether. and it's amazing really, how people love so fiercely, and i don't really know what else i wanted to type here but yea... it's amazing. :)

this year, i stopped knowing answers. things became more challenging for me. i think that in all the previous years of my existence, i have always known what was right and what was wrong. how i reacted to that knowledge however, may not have always hit the mark though. still, i knew, i understood. and this year, over and over again, i find myself with no answer. i have no idea where the line between right and wrong is, yet the questions keep coming. how do i do the right thing, if i don't know what it is anymore? i guess this is God's way of reminding me that i need Him, i need to hear His voice, follow His direction, but it's so easy to be stubborn and lazy sometimes. to have more faith in myself than i do in my God. somedays i look ahead and fear, immensely. it's been so difficult getting through 2010 already and i know that i cannot survive the coming times without God. and yet my relationship with Him is shaky, due to my own imperfections. at best, it's improving, but there are those stagnant phases you know? and i am more afraid of those times, than challenging times with things right with God in my life. i have been in the desert phase before, and it is so so tough. i know people going through it, and it's just so horrible to have God silent. and i guess this is what happens when i'm alone with my thoughts for too long, i just spin out of control. and i worry, and do so excessively. sigh, so yea, i worry about this too.

have you ever heard the phrase that 'some mistakes have to be made'? i think i'm starting to understand what that means, personally. but then again, a mistake's called a mistake for a reason. interesting food for thought! :P

at the end of the day, i still CHOOSE to believe in the good of others.

feels good to dump here again after so long, but i'm sleepy already, so good night! :) God bless youuu! :)

lots of love,
candice