Love Life

I sat on my carpet floor as I talked to God tonight. And in a glance, one of my old journals that has been sitting on my bedside shelf caught my attention. I picked it out, and flipped it open to a random page.

I opened to this - "PNG Adventure Day 1".

I read my whole account of PNG again, and it felt so surreal. Here was this girl, who I could feel exuding from her a hunger for life and adventure, a desire to love everybody and everything, the weight of her dreams. At first, I caught myself wondering "who is she?" and then I remembered her bit by bit, the more I read.

In many ways, I still carry some of that with me, but not to the extent she did. I think.. that I have let the weariness and busy-ness of life suppress that spirit a little. I let the 8 to 5 schedule on most weekdays tire me, and I let the realities of life and death that I see every day in hospital to some extent, desensitise me to suffering.

I find this quote by Lewis Caroll in Alice in Wonderland very apt:

"You used to be much more.... "muchier". You've lost your muchness."

But I also read, that I have been called while in PNG to study hard to be a doctor once I return, and wait till He calls me out again. I still have much work to do with my studies, but I pray, oh how I pray, that I never lose sight of that muchness again.

....

This is my third week being with the cancer team on placement at the hospital. Patients with cancer.. they're different somehow. Most of the ones I have seen so far have inspired me so because of the hope and desire to live that they carry within and exude outwards. Len*, the ward sweetheart as I like calling him, loves his wife and children so, tells me that he's not done with life yet.. and then argues with me that Microsoft is better than Mac. Today with a smile, he told me that he had been listening to Queens on his iPod, feigning disbelief and disappointment when I admitted that I had no idea who they were. Rock and roll, he said, it's rock and roll! Jeph* talked of returning to work after he got better, this man in his mid-sixties and how much he missed being active. He let me practice cannulas on him even, and assured me after I had failed it that it was not my fault and to keep practicing. Rain* would greet the whole team with a huge smile every time and individually ask us how we were doing before the reg was allowed to talk medicine. She always had the sweetest smile on her face.

Some days, I hate what I do, simply because I have to watch the people I grow to love deteriorate.

But after that feeling subsides, I'm usually thankful.. thankful that I got to know them at all, and be a cheerful face in the hospital to encourage them to keep hoping, and to let them know that they inspired me.

....

"By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
- John 13:35

Hoping you find your muchness again too,
Dice

Thankfulness

Today I am so thankful for the people I do life with. :) Just wanted to say that.

Sundown

Because even when I feel like it's just me against the world, You alone never leave my side. 

Oh How He Loves

"See what kind of love the Father has for us, that we should be called sons and daughters of God!"

- 1 John 3:1a

Things haven't been easy for me. The past two weeks have been spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally draining. There have been struggles I never thought I'd have to deal with and those I didn't expect to hurt so much. I had been seeking a calm for my soul in various places - being busier, movies, baking, sleeping, talking to a couple of people.. but it was still there. This.. burden, that weighed upon me, and the constant expectation to be even better and rise to the occasion.

I knew I needed God, but I didn't turn to Him much in this time. Just didn't feel like it.

And then yesterday, at discipleship, I had a completely fresh and new encounter with His love. I broke down and fell on my knees, overwhelmed by the love of a Saviour that demanded nothing in return, but simply hoped for my love in exchange. His peace rushed like a wave over to surround me, and in an instant, I knew, that everything was going to be okay. I was safe. He said to me,

"When was the last time you let My furious love surround you? It's like.. you've been turning to others to ease your ache when I've been here, desperately calling out "Pick Me, pick Me, I can make you feel better and I can make the pain go away." So just let me hold you and let me love you, and you don't have to do anything to earn it, I just choose to love you like fire. Don't underestimate my love for you.

My yoke is easy, my burden is light. Come now it's alright, Papa's here now, and I will never leave you. I will be here for as long as you need me."

I know how insane this may sound, or even the idea of a God that is that intensely personal. 

But this is who He is, this is the Jesus I know, who cries when I cry and longs for me to count on His everyday provision and dreams big dreams for me. This is the Jesus that died naked on a cross for my sins, and paid the price so that I can live in complete freedom. This is the Jesus I adore, because I have never known another love like this.

"Jesus wept."

- John 11:35

"I will not leave you, nor forsake you."

- Joshua 1:5b

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

The Mighty One, will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."

- Zephaniah 3:17

P.S: Note to self - STOP wearing makeup to discipleships. You're just gonna ruin it and you know the night always ends with you asking Ern Ying while laughing if you look okay with smudged makeup everywhere.

Because I know the love of Christ,

Candice

With Nothing Left To Say

But this..

I'll remember you, Thay. You will be missed.

The Day Today

I woke up late for the first service at church this morning after having slept late talking about the election, corruption, and Malaysia with my daddy last night.

I woke up today, and the first thing I did was check my Facebook for more details about the current conditions back home. I was nervous.

I got to church late for first service and sat in the balcony alone. I listened to Robert Madu speak and felt.. like I was home. I felt so at peace, because I was in the house of God and I was safe. This was definitely the second best place for me to be in this morning.

As worship for second service took off, I got this picture of me watching Malaysia from afar, distressed, biting my nails, pacing in worry. And yet all along behind me, was my God, all big and mighty, calling me to rest under His strong arms. "I've got it covered, baby girl," He said to me. And if that wasn't enough to move my spirit and calm my heart, Pastor Russell got up and said that God put upon His heart to pray for the nation of Malaysia midway through worship. Tears began to flow from my eyes because of the God I serve who really does care about the things that I care about. With my hand raised and trembling, I prayed too and accepted the blessing he spoke over the nation that I love.

As I have said in the previous post, the Lord will fight for us, we need only be still. :)

Thank You Papa, for being such an incredible God, I love You heaps! :)

INI KALILAH!

Love,
Dice

GE13

In these past few weeks, I have taken a bigger interest in Malaysian politics than ever before. Today, I spent some time listening to the ceramah-s given by one man who promises change, and who is even more passionate for the livelihood of a nation than its rakyat. I watched in amazement as he effortlessly swapped between Malay and English, with a hint of Chinese and Tamil too.

It is a big thing for them to be riding on the raw hope of millions of Malaysians who are tired of corruption, dirty games and rampant crime. 

But I would rather live by hope than hopelessness, to believe in perceived naiveté that Malaysia will one day once again stand proud under the leadership of the righteous than to be locked away in a belief that these are the way things will always be. 

I wish I could be home to cast my vote too. Though my age permits me not, I will still stand alongside my fellow countrymen, believing, praying and hoping. The Malaysia I love, the one with passionate people, unity in diversity, delicious food, beautiful sights and so much culture, will prevail. 

It is time for Malaysia to rise again.

Biarlah semangat patriotisma membara dalam jiwa rakyat Malaysia.

Biarlah kita menjadi satu rakyat yang tidak lagi dibezakan oleh agama ataupun bangsa.

Biarlah kita bersama-sama menuju ke arah satu negara yang tegak, adil dan saksama. 

Biarlah setiap warga Malaysia berasa bangga sekali untuk dikenali sebagai anak Malaysia. 

Ini kalilah! Ubah sekarang! :)

And as I worry, about what things may be like, what the outcome will be, what dirty tricks may still be up the sleeves of the corrupt, I hold on to this:

"The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still."

- Exodus 14:14

Hoping,

Candice

Thay

I met Thay* yesterday, based on the recommendation from one of my superior doctors that she would be a good person to interview and learn about.

Thay has cancer that has spread to the base of her brain.

I haven't talked with many cancer patients over the past few months that I have been here. So when I sat down to talk to her, I could tell, that it was different than talking to other patients. Patients who fight with cancer are doing exactly that.. they're fighting. With Thay, even as I spoke to her, I could tell that her will to fight was there, just that it was a bit washed down and roughened by the length of the battle that she has endured thus far.

Our conversation about her illness got swiftly manoeuvred by her, as patients often do to me, into talking about our personal lives, how we both ended up to where we are today. We talked about family, life, Australia, home, the hospital.. to a point where it wasn't about what we were saying anymore, but rather that we were just spending time with each other.

After all, that was all that she wanted in that moment.

I don't know what it is exactly that I wanted to tell you about Thay. I don't have anything in particular that I wanted to share.

I just wanted you to know, that she is still fighting. She is still fighting for her family, for her health and for her life. And that matters so much.

And because Thay can find the strength to fight on even when she is often too weak to get out of her bed, I know I can find the strength to keep living life as optimistically as possible.

And because she can, I know that you can too. No matter what circumstance that you are facing right now, the human will is a powerful thing. You are tougher than you know. You can make it, and you will. :) I believe in you.

Love,
Dice

A Defining Moment

To those of you who have heard me talk about my dreams personally before, you will have heard me say that if I could pack my bags and go now, I would. If right now, I could move to PNG, or Africa, or wherever He calls really, to do medical missions according to God's will, I would.

...

Last Sunday, I was serving in Guest Services for the last service, what we call the Miracle and Testimony Service. Pastor Tim Hall had just come back from Serbia, having preached to and healed in the name of Jesus thousands of people.

As ministry time began, even I got called up to the front to receive from God, so I went. As I fell to the floor, sitting with my legs outstretched, I began to cry, as I always feel so moved to do when in His presence. I asked for something amazing, a new encounter, and eventually, I stopped tearing, got up and went back to my seat.

At that point (with people slain all over the altar, overcome by the presence of God), I kept feeling Him move my heart for the man with his intellectually challenged son in a wheelchair behind. Over and over, I battled with God in my mind, eventually choosing to apologize instead of obey, because he was all the way at the back of the room while I was right in front by the altar. Still, I think I could tell in my spirit that God knew I would end up going up to that man anyways.

After much debate, I decided to pursue him, and stood behind him as everyone was engaged in prayer. He soon turned and left the hall with his wife and son, leaving me standing there speechless. A few seconds later, I decided to chase them. As I looked around the foyer, Millie asked me who I was looking for. When I described to her what God had put on my heart to do, she explained to me that the couple were actually church intercessors.

And here I was talking with God, "Really? You want me to pray for church intercessors??" He has some sense of humour, my God!

Anyways, Millie encouraged me to be obedient and run after them, so I did and caught them right in front of the lift just before they went downstairs. The man was pleasantly surprised and so, so kind. He introduced himself, his wife and his son to me and very graciously accepted my humble prayer of blessing over their family. His wife hugged me after it all and told me that I would be greatly blessed this week too. They were the sweetest family unit ever.

But.. my story doesn't end there.

As I walked back to the foyer, Millie stopped me and asked me how it went. I told her it went okay, but I was barely keeping it together anymore. My act of obedience to His call attracted so much attention from heaven, that my spirit was extremely moved in that moment. Millie hugged me as I cried into her shoulder, with her continuing to whisper words of encouragement into my ear.

I went back into the hall where everybody was still worshipping God. I got on my knees and just kept crying.. like my spirit could not contain how much I felt within. And in a moment of powerful surrender, He said to me clear as day,

"Now I know.. that if I told you to pack your bags and go now, you really would. Now I know, that I can trust you with your dream."

How heart-wrenchingly moving is that! I was blown away by the goodness and faithfulness of my God, and even the feeling I had before I stepped out that He knew what my choice would be in the end even though I hemmed and hawed.

And now, all I can say is.. thank You Papa. For trusting me with this. I'm gonna make you proud!

...

Maybe I am living in the clouds. Believing for things everyday that I will not get to see come to pass for a long while. But in me, I feel like I'm changing everyday too. I'm getting stronger, and more resilient. A friend of mine commented in response to my dream a few days ago, with more than a hint of cynicism - "So this is how 19 year olds think nowadays". If I had heard that a year ago, I would have been extremely upset and discouraged. And yet now, I was able to let the comment roll off my back without a grudge, simply because, I know. I know who I am, and while so many around me may knowingly or unknowingly attempt to dictate that for me, I know that everything is going to be okay.

Because my heart is steadfast. Come hell or high water, my heart is steadfast.

Blessings of blessings,
Dice

Home

Just because I needed to say.. that I am so, so proud to be a Malaysian. We are the rakyat lah! :)

Please pray for Malaysia!