I sat on my carpet floor as I talked to God tonight. And in a glance, one of my old journals that has been sitting on my bedside shelf caught my attention. I picked it out, and flipped it open to a random page.
I opened to this - "PNG Adventure Day 1".
I read my whole account of PNG again, and it felt so surreal. Here was this girl, who I could feel exuding from her a hunger for life and adventure, a desire to love everybody and everything, the weight of her dreams. At first, I caught myself wondering "who is she?" and then I remembered her bit by bit, the more I read.
In many ways, I still carry some of that with me, but not to the extent she did. I think.. that I have let the weariness and busy-ness of life suppress that spirit a little. I let the 8 to 5 schedule on most weekdays tire me, and I let the realities of life and death that I see every day in hospital to some extent, desensitise me to suffering.
I find this quote by Lewis Caroll in Alice in Wonderland very apt:
"You used to be much more.... "muchier". You've lost your muchness."
But I also read, that I have been called while in PNG to study hard to be a doctor once I return, and wait till He calls me out again. I still have much work to do with my studies, but I pray, oh how I pray, that I never lose sight of that muchness again.
This is my third week being with the cancer team on placement at the hospital. Patients with cancer.. they're different somehow. Most of the ones I have seen so far have inspired me so because of the hope and desire to live that they carry within and exude outwards. Len*, the ward sweetheart as I like calling him, loves his wife and children so, tells me that he's not done with life yet.. and then argues with me that Microsoft is better than Mac. Today with a smile, he told me that he had been listening to Queens on his iPod, feigning disbelief and disappointment when I admitted that I had no idea who they were. Rock and roll, he said, it's rock and roll! Jeph* talked of returning to work after he got better, this man in his mid-sixties and how much he missed being active. He let me practice cannulas on him even, and assured me after I had failed it that it was not my fault and to keep practicing. Rain* would greet the whole team with a huge smile every time and individually ask us how we were doing before the reg was allowed to talk medicine. She always had the sweetest smile on her face.
Some days, I hate what I do, simply because I have to watch the people I grow to love deteriorate.
But after that feeling subsides, I'm usually thankful.. thankful that I got to know them at all, and be a cheerful face in the hospital to encourage them to keep hoping, and to let them know that they inspired me.
....
"By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
- John 13:35
Hoping you find your muchness again too,
Dice
I opened to this - "PNG Adventure Day 1".
I read my whole account of PNG again, and it felt so surreal. Here was this girl, who I could feel exuding from her a hunger for life and adventure, a desire to love everybody and everything, the weight of her dreams. At first, I caught myself wondering "who is she?" and then I remembered her bit by bit, the more I read.
In many ways, I still carry some of that with me, but not to the extent she did. I think.. that I have let the weariness and busy-ness of life suppress that spirit a little. I let the 8 to 5 schedule on most weekdays tire me, and I let the realities of life and death that I see every day in hospital to some extent, desensitise me to suffering.
I find this quote by Lewis Caroll in Alice in Wonderland very apt:
"You used to be much more.... "muchier". You've lost your muchness."
But I also read, that I have been called while in PNG to study hard to be a doctor once I return, and wait till He calls me out again. I still have much work to do with my studies, but I pray, oh how I pray, that I never lose sight of that muchness again.
....
Some days, I hate what I do, simply because I have to watch the people I grow to love deteriorate.
But after that feeling subsides, I'm usually thankful.. thankful that I got to know them at all, and be a cheerful face in the hospital to encourage them to keep hoping, and to let them know that they inspired me.
....
"By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."
- John 13:35
Hoping you find your muchness again too,
Dice
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