One Of Those Days

"Though the fig tree may not blossom, 
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls -
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation."
- Habakkuk 3:17

I did my devotion on that yesterday, and just felt extremely moved by that verse. It is possibly one of my favourites.

I am often told that I am a very happy, cheerful person, and this verse reminds me of why I should always be that way. True joy is not dependent on circumstances, but rather just being in that loving, fulfilling relationship with God. I had much to journal about that verse, accepting the challenge to always find joy in every season and every circumstance.

I did not expect to be tested so quickly.

About an hour or so later, I dropped my phone for the thousand and one -th time and assumed it will be like the other times I accidentally dropped it.. but no. The screen went weird then coloured marks began to very slowly spread across it.

At urban life, so much of what I practiced on the keyboards was unable to be reproduced in the moment of worship itself too.

This morning, I woke up at 5am to reach Franga by 7am. Slightly lacking in sleep, I decided to press on and go ahead since I promised the fifth year I would turn up for plastics today. At this time, I discovered my phone had gotten so bad overnight that I could barely see my screen anymore, and the keypad was not visible at all for sending messages (this later led to some very hilarious text messages I sent by muscle memory of where each letter is).

Five stations away from Frankston, a truck decided to run the boom gates and got absolutely destroyed by the City Loop train. Thank God for the front though, it remained intact and the driver was safe. However, this caused a huge ruckus in the place and we ended up being stuck there for about an hour and a half to two hours as they figured things out.

I was getting increasingly affected by these circumstances considering I actually made the effort to be on time today. To make things worse, I got confused with Metro's arrangement for a replacement. Due to that mess, I somehow ended up talking with one of the Metro attendings who was standing by the boom gate. She probably noticed my tired and unamused expression and very sincerely expressed an "I'm sorry for any inconvenience this caused you this morning".

The sincerity of her apology immediately softened my heart and really moved me, especially considering that it was in absolutely no way her fault, or even Metro's for whom she was apologizing on behalf of. In the face of poor circumstances, I've learnt that the kindness of a stranger can really make such a difference. Thank you dear lady, for shedding light on me today. :)

Furthermore, as I was finally on my way to Franga, I thought about that verse I just read yesterday, battling with God about it, close to Instagram-ing something about it.. when I realized I should keep working on it with Him first before making any sort of declaration on social media. As I walked out of that train station, I saw this lady with the most eccentric hairstyle I have ever seen in real life - an afro that was standing straight with this gaping cavity in the middle.. it looked like a huge, frizzy molar. I couldn't help but smile as I saw that, and with surrender in my heart, I thought, "Okay fine God, You win. :) "

I then actively made a choice to make today a better day, that a crappy morning does not have to mean a crappy day.

I ended up in theatre and bumping into the fifth year there just as I was leaving (from lack of direction since I was so late), who invited me in to surgery. I got to watch two interesting surgeries today and then end at noon too. :)

At this point, I considered making a trip down to the beach at Franga to just relax for a bit (because face it, the beach ALWAYS makes things better) and then maybe get some shopping done before heading home. I even considered taking the bus to Mornington, simply because that has been something on my bucket list to do while still on placement at Frankston. I pondered this thought aloud in a room with some friends, and one friend was keen to go on a spontaneous beach adventure too.

We ended up driving a short distance to Mt Eliza and just enjoying this incredibly beautiful and relatively secluded beach. The sound of the waves and the amazing feeling of sand and sea between my toes.. I loved it. I really do love the sea so much. :)

Not only that, I was inspired today too to really push through till finals, doubling, tripling my effort in my studies right now till I cross the finish line for this year. My blessings didn't even end there, for after that soothing time on the beach, I got to have one hour of studying that was more productive than most other times I have tried to sit down and study.

AND, God gave me two rainbows to be amazed by today, and a reminder of the recent promise He made over my life regarding fruitfulness.

Also, I later realized what a blessing in disguise not having my phone to use today was. For the first time in a long time, I was completely free, away from constantly checking social media in boredom, away from various group whatsapps, away from all connections from the virtual world really. It was an amazing sense of freedom I had forgotten. My only bummer was that I couldn't take a picture of the beautiful view today, to keep and to share. Yet.. I'm glad now that I didn't. Some things are best kept just in my memories, and some thoughts better expressed in just words. There was something special about visiting this absolutely beautiful place and not having a picture to remember it by.. because that's what I always do- I whip out my camera before really taking it all in and lose my precious moment to a nice photograph.

Being without my phone taught me today to live in the moment and focus, for there will be time for reflection later on. Right now, it looks like probably a week or so before my other forms of communications are resumed - whatsapp, instagram, snapchat, speedy facebook message chat checks, even emails.. and while this would ordinarily be disastrous, God is showing me something He wants me to see in this time, and trust me, my perspective is being slowly changed by His grace.

I'm sorry if I miss your messages over the next few days, but I'll be here.. savouring this freedom. :)

...

So, thank You Papa, for giving me such a precious day in the end. Thank You for reminding me that I have friends I can count on for strength and moments of encouragement, and for challenging me to never let a bad circumstance or attitude ruin a whole day. Thank You for showing me what it means to have joy in You, and for pushing me to shine when so much of my stubborn human nature refused to. 

Thank You for believing that I can be better than who I am right now, and in every area of my life too.

Thank You for life, and.. for one of those days where it is so easy to express all my gratitude because of the enormous grace I have been shown.

Blessed,
Dice

Ebb and Flow

It's an amazing thing for me to stop moving and see how much the world had moved with me. 

There are the major milestones most of us, if not all of us, have achieved in these past few years - leaving high school, entering university, living away from home, driving, first relationships, first jobs, engagements, taking steps closer to our dreams.. and then there are the minor ones I discovered too - wearing makeup, learning to cook and bake, travelling alone and dealing with bills.

Maybe this is but the mark of youth, that these milestones are many and close together, and that once we get married and have children, we will focus on their milestones instead.

I stop moving, because I want to savour this feeling of knowing that really, the rest is still unwritten.
I stand before a blank canvas, handed a paintbrush and many colours to work with, something I have come to realize, is an enormous blessing.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players;"
- William Shakespeare

Life really is moving so quickly around me. My sister is engaged to be married next year, the boys I went to college with are graduating in a year and applying for jobs, the girls I had sleepovers with as a young teenager discussing life and well, dreamy, nice guys, are in the midst of new relationships and the people I remember as children in my memories are pursuing their dreams and some even living them out already.

I don't know what my point is. Tonight, I am simply in awe.. at how life ebbs and flows, and while some things may live on in our memories, most moments are gone as we experience them, for there is no turning back in life. All we have, is now.. and then what lies ahead.

One day, I believe that I'll be in heaven with Papa and be able to see time like He does, and experience love and joy on a whole new level that is currently limited by my humanity.
But until then, I am so very grateful to live life as humanly as I do now, appreciating the moments for they are gone too quickly and being amazed in what little capacity I have to understand the truth behind our creation. I love that I get to love imperfectly, mess up, break little rules and experience all that within this context put around me.  I love that I get to watch the people around me do so too.

There's only one quote I feel is appropriate to end this raw post, something a friend told me would get me good marks on any English essay.

"It is the transience of life that gives it its beauty."

So true.

Love,
Dice

With Just One Touch

Yesterday at church, I was blown away by the presence of God around me.

It's funny how when I re-read my old posts, I'd always say that He knew what I needed when I needed it, yet to have it happen again and be reminded.. I stand humbled and in awe.

It's been a strange few weeks, and I found myself needing words of encouragement myself, and being more emotional than usual.

But.. He knew. He always knows, and He always provides. :)

I served with the guest services team (officially) yesterday for the last time. Everyone who was there before service began surrounded me and laid their hands on me, declaring a blessing while simultaneously speaking life into my circumstances. Some of the words that were said out loud made me tremble in the physical because it had such great spiritual implications for this season that I am currently in. I was moved to tears and any attempt to hold them back were completely in vain. Here I was, surrounded by people who chose to honour me for the time I spent serving with them, yet they were all probably the most selfless, servant-hearted and humble people I know. They honoured me for something they did better than I did, and in a moment of revelation later, I realized that that is what God does as well. He rewards my every sacrifice when He made the biggest sacrifice of all for us. He commends my giving when His giving is beyond extravagant. How good is He? Like seriously.

But yea, back to the ushering room.. I felt extremely blessed in that moment. I felt like I just wanted to sit somewhere and keep crying, not out of sadness or heaviness, but simply how moved I felt by the enormity of His love and presence. Still, those tears had to wiped away and big girl shoes put on, cause people needed ushering in! :)

Once third service began and I joined the congregation in singing unto God.. those tears began to fall again. By the end of the night, I had probably started and stopped crying about.. six times? I didn't even know why exactly, but deep down, I could feel Him working something new in my spirit. At one point, I thought I heard Him say that He was marking me, branding me with Himself.

Oh.. the words that have been spoken over my life this weekend that have brought me so much joy and tears. He really is such a generous Papa and I lack nothing. :)

As I stood at the back of that darkened middle aisle, with tears streaming and a huge smile, one thought resounded in my mind:

"This is where I want to be. Just here, with You."

At one point that service, I realized the majesty I stood before, the astounding, amazing and glorious majesty I was in the presence of, and I had to fall to my knees, I just had to. I never understood people who could feel that reverent of God in my earlier years, because God has always just been like a buddy to me that I could play with and have brownie points with even when He's mad. Trust me, I received a new understanding as I fell to my knees. To just be at His feet.. I could ask for nothing more amazing.

I love being with Him so much, and so much more than I did when I was a younger Christian. Nobody can move my heart like He does, and nobody can make me laugh and cry at the same time while feeling this overwhelming sense of wholeness. Oh the joy that comes after all those tears.. it is my sincerest wish that one day you would get to experience it too if you never have before.

So.. no matter what happens next, I'll be okay. :) Even if there are new storms to brave and new mountains to conquer, I'm not alone and I have no reason to fear. He's got me. :)

With much joy,
Candice

Choose

Today I encountered the public pain of an acquaintance. I wanted to say something, but hesitated with fear that my words would be deemed shallow and irrelevant.

And then I remembered a friend, whom when she first found out about my condition (by accident), offered to go for medical appointments with me and a listening ear anytime. We weren't even close friends at all, but she made the choice to step up to be a good friend to someone who was in need.  Though she was not the first person I would have gone to when I struggled, her one kind act which ignored the ideas of "we've never talked about such personal things" or "it'd be weird for me to offer" really did move me so. I still think of that today and feel extremely blessed.

And there was another friend too, whom I haven't talked to in years. After reading my earlier blog post, she sent me a Facebook message to show her concern and assure me that I was in her prayers. To be honest, I would have hesitated to say anything had the roles been reversed, simply because we haven't been friends in such a long time. I would have thought that it was okay for other people to say something, but that I didn't deserve to since I haven't even been there for her all this while. Not that I thought that of her at all, but I was very moved that she chose to ignore "social politics" or even guilt,  and just say something, even if it was just "hey.. I do care".

So.. why do we let such insignificant things hold us back from speaking life into another person's circumstance?

Why do I?

This I know, after encountering twice (even in simple situations such as these) people who would choose to love regardless of whether they'd get a harvest in return or not.. I cannot afford to be afraid to speak up and offer strength. There is so much more to lose when I don't speak than when I do, and therefore I would rather be seen as the friend that cares too much than the one that doesn't care at all.

If I don't speak light into the darkness around me, then who am I waiting for to do it?

Tonight, I feel challenged to love others more extravagantly. I feel inspired to never be held back by the fear of the opinion of others, but rather to step out in faith each time believing that something good will come out of it.

And I chose to share this here tonight because well firstly, I wanted to honour those two girls who loved greatly in their small acts. I was really really blessed by you two. :)

But more than that, I wanted to challenge you too, to be the change in your environment.

Say something encouraging if you see someone hurting, give when you encounter need, smile when the world is downcast before you and set a fire by your spirit that will bring light and warmth to all around you. 

The answer to a better world is YOU. It's ME. 
It's US, each one of us, doing what little we can every day. 

What it takes, is that we simply... choose.

Inspired,
Dice

Elsewhere

I miss running in the rain with mud between my toes, and feeling so free, more 'me' than ever before.

I miss holding little hands in my own, and being able to love on children who need more of it.

I miss being able to do something good with the works of my hands, and watching the smile on my face be reproduced in the faces around me.

I miss singing praises unto God with the locals and experiencing the pureness of His love.

I miss really really consciously knowing that I was walking in God's desire for my life.

...

I know that I'll get that chance again one day, that I have a different purpose for now, called here for such a time as this.

Realistically, I'm too occupied nowadays to think about how much I miss these things. But tonight, as I read the account of a friend living in her dreams as a missionary doctor and I look back at my short glimpse into what I've always wanted to do.. I remember. And as I remember, I miss.

Truth is, I live a good life right now. I am extravagantly blessed to reside in a first world country and treat myself to things like a new dress or hot chocolate when I really want to. I have more things than most other people in the world. I don't live in lack.

Here's my secret though - Somedays I look around, and ask myself if I can give all this up to pursue that dream.

...

As I grow older, I understand more of what "all this" entails. If I'm really honest, I'll say that it scares me too, sometimes. It's not always an easy choice, especially when to say or to think is easier than to do, but everytime.. one memory, just one moment of reflecting into my spirit is enough to give me enough passion and courage to say yes, I will go.

Tonight, my heart is elsewhere, lost with the sound of children's laughter and the satisfaction of a purpose fulfilled. 

Yet.. I am still at peace in knowing that God has already prepared the path before me. :) I don't want to be guilty of looking back at that 2 1/2 weeks of PNG and thinking that that's the most I'll ever have from this dream, but rather to keep looking forward with expectation, knowing, that my best days are still ahead of me.

Because they are. :)

May I never grow too comfortable to chase after my dream, and may I never fall in love with my ministry more than with the One who gave it to me.

...

I know I have written countless posts on this topic, round and round with the same message.. but I will keep doing it, because these posts especially, I write for myself. 

I write to remember, to release the fire, and to keep believing in my dreams even if the world chooses not to.

I write because it helps me see the truth, and with that clarity I rediscover my courage and peace. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

- Jeremiah 29:11

Still dreaming,

Dice

My Heart Is Full

God is so good, and today I am beyond thankful to have and appreciate beautiful moments in life. :)

My heart is full and my spirit joys within me. :)

No Turning Back

I listened to this on the bus ride back to Clayton today.. and felt so moved. It spoke so much to me, about the life I have lead and the life I want to pursue.

...

Christ is enough for me, Christ is enough for me.

If you had walked in my shoes these last couple of years, and been through what I've been through, there would be absolutely no question why I am able to say that without hesitation.

A memory that I have been itching to share for some reason, is the first time I had to get a brain scan just to make sure things were okay. I admit, I was scared, I hated that I was alone, I did not want any intravenous contrast and I did not want to be there. As I got onto the bed, I held on to the only One who has been there for me my whole life. It took me a while, but I eventually saw that He held my hand through it all, and that He could and would silence the fear in my spirit. His peace flooded through me, and at that moment.. I knew, that Christ is enough for me. Always have been, always will be. :)

I am so grateful to have lived the life that I did. I am thankful for the heartache, the challenges and the storms within that have brought me here and made me who I am today. Through living, I have learnt to count on my Father in Heaven, to find joy in every situation and with each day, my eyes are opened more and more to how truly adored and loved I am by Him.

I would not want to trade that life for any other. :)

...

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back.

Looking back on life, my most joyous moments were when I was so close to God, when I stepped out in faith over and over and enjoyed being obedient. I remember those moments as when my life felt so full, and whole. I think of Kaia, of Koivi, Uncle Ah Yap, and Sabrina.. and I smile. I haven't been like that in a while. Most days I get too caught up with life stuff to remember my purpose to bless those around me in the littlest ways, a kind word, or a generous encounter.

I remember being 13, and learning to do devotions for the first time. I'd go into my sister's empty room and sit on the bed, and just read the Bible. I remember praying, and trying to build that intimacy with God that I have been hearing so much about. I remember those baby steps. :)

It's amazing isn't it? How those 7 years were not insignificant in God's eyes, and that He remembers every single time I promised to follow Him. I love reflecting, and seeing Him with His little chisel and hammer, making me into something beautiful, more like Him every day. :)

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord."
  - 2 Corinthians 3:18

...

Some days I talk in circles and make little sense. Perhaps today is one of them.

I enjoy writing these posts though, cause they're just.. raw, honest, sincere thoughts.

I pray you were blessed by it in some way! :)

Love,
Dice

Blessings

One of my friends offered me a lift home today without me even asking, and on the ride home appreciated that my blog has an "I'm so blessed" trend.

Well, you were my blessing today! Thank you for the ride and engaging conversation along the way. :)