Walk On Tightrope

It was a very spontaneous decision I made to visit Singapore for a short holiday. I had originally planned to crash with my sister on her vacation and visit several friends here in Singapore,  but by a turn of events, I ended up staying with a friend I met from PNG and spending most of my trip with her and her family.

It was spontaneous, but on the days leading up to the trip, I began to really crave this getaway. This year end, I found myself clouded with so much uncertainty about the life I have chosen to pursue, the choices I made along the way and the weight of all that the future holds for me. I was getting more and more fearful of life, finding it difficult to embrace it as wholeheartedly as I did when I was a teenager. That being said, I found myself afraid of being an adult and of the immense responsibility that came with it. 

And then I came here, and had a ton load of fun doing adventurous things and taking silly selfies. More than just that though, I got to have these incredibly raw and honest conversations about our hopes, weaknesses and callings too. Life can be so, so difficult, but God is ever faithful and good to us. 

As we sat on that boardwalk till late at night talking, and sometimes simply sitting still feeling the sea breeze, I realized that we were back at sea once again.

And at that point, I wasn't worried about getting caught up in the rat race of life anymore. Somehow, I was back on the aft deck of that ship, with an acoustic worship song being played in the background, facing the Papua New Guinean sea and surrounded by people who truly do understand the weight of the things on my heart, because they feel it too. I was back where life was slow, and easy, and so full of unforcing purpose. I was back where I held on tight to Papa's hand and kept on going with life, bright-eyed, hopeful and expectant.

It really was the wave of fresh air that I so badly needed, and I will never forget this trip.

And so.. I got exactly what I needed, and I think I'm ready now to face and welcome in the new year. Time and time again this year I have seen God provide for me, not necessarily what I wanted,  but always , always what I needed. I am so beyond grateful, and humbled that I received this opportunity to travel and be refreshed, to be heard, encouraged, hugged and prayed for, to dive back into the sea with my fellow flying fishes before I leap out into the world once again.

I am so, so well taken care of in this life Papa, I see that now. Thank You. :) 

The athlete and the "garoupa"

All my heart,
Dice

Heavy

Close your eyes. Just keep breathing. Just keep going.

Everything is going to be okay.

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
- C.S Lewis

Saturday Luxuries

Ripped long pants I haven't worn since PNG, the couch with lots of cushions, heartwarming movie with the parents, orange juice, prawn crackers and mangoes, much desired rest and just some reminiscing. 

Just There

"Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."
- Jonathan Safran Foer

...

Not with regret whatsoever, but rather.. a conscious realization of the significance of all the choices and sacrifices it took to get here.

Thank you for helping me put that into words.

I Could Choose

I could choose fear.

I could choose anxiety, hurt, to build more walls, to indulge in self pity or to lock myself in a thought process that centers around just me.

OR. I could choose life abundantly. 

The choice is up to me. 

Shoulders of Grace

"Go and change the world in the way God has called you to." 

In the midst of a busy week and things slowly falling apart here and there.. that one line somehow surprisingly offered me more comfort than anything anyone else has said this week.

Circumstances happen. But God is good, all the time. :) 

21

Despite it being the day before exams.. I had an extremely blessed birthday and was thoroughly loved and spoiled. Thank you everyone who played a part in celebrating me turning 21! :)

Trust

"What if I fall?"

"Oh but my darling, 
what if you fly?"

- Erin Hanson

Dear 16-Year-Old Me

Hello love. :)

It's me.. the you that will be in 5 years. Right now, you're probably sitting at home studying for SPM, worrying about getting all the A1s to make daddy and mummy proud. I'm pretty much doing the same thing now, except in my case, it is my final exam of medical school. Pretty crazy hey?

You may find it strange that I've decided to take some time to reflect and write you this tonight, but as I stand on the brink of becoming an adult, I've been thinking a lot more - about life, love, dreams, responsibilities, family and destiny. In the midst of those thoughts, I considered how useful it would be to get to speak to the me five years away, 26-year-old me, who would have a much better idea of life by then. I wish I could have had five minutes.. or if not, just a letter of stories and encouragements.

And then I realized.. I never wrote you a letter.
And because I love writing love letters, here I am. :)

At 15 going on 16, you have quite a bit going on for you, don't you? School is busy, with sports and Christian Fellowship, and church, and getting mummy to let you go out more often with your friends. I see the way you love life, the joy you carry throughout everything, and the process of maturing that you are currently going through. You don't have to be in such a rush to grow up and prove yourself to the world, little one. Just keep enjoying life, keep laughing and loving, and always, always, stay passionate.

I know what you would ask me first if you had the chance. "Will I get to fall in love?" Haha, keep your eyes on more important things baby girl. The time will come when it's right. As you journey into becoming me, you will meet so many people along the way, people who will inspire you with their hearts and determination, people who are strong, unique, talented, beautiful and all out amazing. The more people you meet, the more you will realize that the world you have been living in has been so small, and that there is so much to learn from life itself. Focus on building yourself, and knowing who you are and what you want. God may make you wait, as He likes to do to all His children, but you will soon learn that a season of waiting is also a precious gift from God.

More seriously though, I know what else you worry about. "Will I make it to medical school?" Yes love, you will. Next year, you will spend all year stressing about it but also feeling the weight of God's promises. You will learn to trust that the voice you hear is His and that His promises do come true. You will one day sit where I am sitting, that much I can promise you. It isn't always going to be easy, and time and time again you may feel like giving everything up, but know that when I feel that way, I remember you for inspiration.

I remember the girl who would openly share her dreams of becoming a medical missionary to others, and though she sometimes received discouraging words that shook her for a bit, she would rise above it and insist to prove to them that she could and would do exactly that. I remember how you put love into action, week after week, because you received the opportunity to love a group of refugee children with not much else then. I remember how you felt your emotions so freely and strongly when you saw the need in the community around you. I remember the girl who knew so certainly that it was pointless doing medicine for the money because it is passion for people that will get her through med school instead of an unsubstantial love for money. I remember the girl who did that spiritual gifts quiz and got compassion and voluntary poverty as hers. I remember how hard you studied, and how sure you were of yourself.

I remember you, and I feel strengthened to keep going. For your sake, and for mine. 

But dice, let me tell you now that despite how you may dream of a big future now, that Papa God has every intention to completely blow your mind with the even bigger plans He has for you. You would not believe the things I have gotten to do since you. In the next five years of your life, you are going to get to travel to secluded places around the world, visit villages (almost) untouched by civilisation, speak to hundreds of people about how good God is to you and befriend people from all walks of life. You will dive into new cultures, different foods, and fall so, so irrevocably in love with diversity, and people.

And looking inwards, you will grow so much. I know that you think now that you know heaps, and that it is such an utter insult whenever people tell you to wait till you grow up because you're only 16. Don't get offended, and never let your heart be hardened towards learning new things. You may "know stuff" and have understanding, but you are never as wise as you will be, just as I can never be as wise as 26-year-old us. In life you will always be learning, and learning only stops when you mistakenly assume that you have become smart enough to know it all. From where you stand now, you will find courage, and from that, you will be able to build a life in Melbourne anew, to make new friends, apply for crazy mission trips with complete faith, fly by yourself to unknown nations, lead others, pray for strangers and to say yes when God says go.

Oh what incredible adventures you have in store for you. :) 

Most excitingly of all, you are going to know God so much more as you grow. You think you've seen His goodness.. you ain't seen nothing yet. Oh the encounters to come that are going to completely change your whole life, the tear-stained sessions which will soften your heart, the gentle call of the Holy Spirit, the power you will discover you carry as you work with Him, the words that declare an incredible future spoken over you by others and by the quiet voice in your heart.. and the experiences that will make you really believe that you can make a difference in life, even if it is for just one person. All it takes is enough love, and a willingness to step out again and again to love the people in a broken world as extravagantly as you have been loved.

And dice.. it may be scary for you to hear this now, but life isn't going to be just a walk in the park for you. I can tell you now that there are going to be nights you spend crying, overwhelmed by circumstances. There will come big shockers in life, as well as times where you feel so alone. Still, know that you flourish in adversity. As that fire in your heart keeps burning, and your hand is still tightly held in Papa God's, know that you will make it through even stronger, even braver, and even more amazing.

One day love, you'll find yourself in my shoes. It may feel like forever, but you'll get here eventually.

At 20 going on 21, life is.. exciting. It's good, and filled with a lot of goodness and beauty. I have other things to worry about in this time, thoughts of finally growing up and growing old, knowing that life is changing and taking new turns. I worry about becoming a real doctor, if I will be able to be a good one, because I really, really do want to be. I worry about the people around me - family and friends, hoping that everyone will be healthy and flourishing too. I have started to consider the implications of those dreams we talked about, and the sacrifices that need to be made along the way in pursuit of that. And amidst the warehouse-load of thoughts that have made themselves at home in my mind, there is a strong sense of significance for this time, a feeling of being molded for really big things that I cannot yet see, and a quiet yet firm belief that my life can be used to do more than I ever thought possible.

But that's not your worry just yet. :)

You just settle your SPM and college applications.

...

So, after all that has been said.. here is some advice for the road.

The answer is always to just go back to God, everything you need can always be found in Him. Fruitfulness comes from intimacy. Other than that, make sure your heart stays soft, and fiercely believe that you do not have to conform to the negativity you see in this world. You ARE an overcomer, and you live defined by who God says you are, and not who the world dares dictate you have to be in order to be accepted. Be the sunshine in the lives of those near you, cause that's who God made you to be.

You may not always feel like you have all the support you would like.. but know that you really can count on the people in your life, and that God has promised you that you will never walk alone. He will provide the covenant partners along the way to support you through.

Never let fear hold you back from doing what is right. Fear is a choice, and life is not meant to be spent living afraid. People should not scare you, they're just people. You lose so much more in a moment lived in fear than you will ever realize.

Fill your life with beauty, and new experiences. Thirst for adventure. Travel more whenever you can, even if it's three hours away by train and bus. Learn new things - like cooking, and dancing and make sure you make the most out of your life, having no regrets, so much so that death does not scare you the way it does the world.

Keep telling your stories, cause they speak not of you but of God.

Work hard, make your family proud, and be a good doctor.

I would try and give you fashion advice, but knowing you and how much you love bright, excessive colours now, I am certain you wouldn't listen anyways. It's alright though, you still managed to find good friends to have lunch with you even when you wore more colours in one outfit than most people do in a week.

Love extravagantly, wholeheartedly, faithfully. You may not see the fruit of your labor of love just yet, but one day, you will. I promise. I love this quote by Albert Schweitzer -"Love cannot be put under a system of rules and regulations. It issues absolute commands. Each of us must decide for himself how far he can go towards carrying out the boundless commitment of love."

And when you feel like you can't do it anymore, take just one more step forward. Just one more, and then another, and then another. Look straight ahead, and keep on going. Show your circumstances the much-ness of your spirit. And, never let disappointment or failure hold you back from getting up and trying again.

Don't worry dear girl, you will somehow find the courage to become me one day. It's really not bad. And don't worry about me either, I know I'm going to turn out just fine. More than just fine. :)

Happy early 16th birthday love. Take good care of yourself ok?

With much love,
Future You

Prayer

Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on

- Steady Heart, Steffany Gretzinger

Nostalgia

Missing this life today.

Make It Count

I met a man in his early fifties at a Thalassaemia clinic yesterday.

He was a lovely guy who exuded life and spirit, and carried the weight of experience in his eyes. When the doctor began to settle paperwork during the consultation, it gave me and my friend the opportunity to ask him some questions about his condition. He started to speak of his thirty year journey, and how scary things were for him when he was diagnosed. He shared on how intimidating all the medications were, what it felt like to be labelled with a chronic disease and of the people who helped him through it the most simply by understanding.

He told us a story which reminded me so much of my own.

...

It's been a year and a half since I was told my blood wasn't very normal.

It's been a year and a half of big words, acronyms, medical appointments, medications, blood tests, worried texts, sympathetic looks, and labels. It's been a year and a half since I was last in that exact room, since I sat where he sat and talked to the doctor about my concerns.

However, it's also been a year and a half of overcoming, hope, joy in the midst, standing up the numerous times "blood disorders" have been prophetically called out for healing, and being told by others that they were passionately standing in the gap for me with their prayers as well.

Despite the circumstances, it's been a really, really good year and a half. I have no complaints whatsoever, and I am so thankful for all that God has molded into me through this. I sit here and type this a year and a half on, and can confidently say that my life has been so enriched, empowered and strengthened by this experience. There is so much that you will learn when you spend time with God in the 'valleys' of life that simply can't be learnt otherwise. I will never forget that one time I had to get a brain scan by myself. While I kept a brave face on, I remember how I felt so scared and alone.. but one prayer was all it took for the peace of God to wash over me and soak me through.

...

When my new friend talked about the people who understood him in those early few days, I immediately thought of my dad. My whole family has been absolutely amazing throughout this journey and my words alone cannot begin to express the gratitude I have for each of them, but dad.. he has always been somewhat especially supportive in his own way. He doesn't always say much, but I know that he listens intently every time I update him, and would go to lengths to educate himself and understand this disease and the medications involved. He would insist that I take the better medication I needed even though it was costly or that I stay here and forgo vacation plans home if that was better for my care. I know that both he and my mum would worry more than they let me know, especially each time I insisted to fly off yet once more to remote places and try to save the world again.

I can't believe I'm getting emotional as I write this. 

But really.. thank you daddy, for carrying me through this as much as you possibly can and for still letting me run after my own dreams without being held back by a diagnosis. I love you so very much :)

And thank you mama for always insisting I drink boiled water, eat well and sleep more, and for flying all the way to care for me when things were at their worst. Thank you also to my two big sisters for being the first ones I tell every time I get new results, and for always just being there for me. :) You all get big sloppy kisses next time I see you. Haha.

...

So, when all is said and done, I wonder.. what will my life look like when I'm his age?

Will I still be carrying this illness?
I don't know, cause I still believe in a God that heals and I still have hope that things are going to keep getting better with time. 

But if you ask me, will I one day be a fifty year old woman in my yellow sunshine jumper telling stories from my past to the next generation of young people with hopes to encourage?

You betcha. 

For now, I'll just keep heading forwards. My bright future awaits me! 

Love,

Dice

Anchor For My Soul

I woke up this morning feeling irritable, something I have attributed to some side effects of a new medicine I have been taking. Throughout the day though, it came and went until I stopped, and realized what was going on.

I was letting my mood ruin my outlook on life, and my attitude towards others. 

So I sat, read my Bible for a bit and turned on some good music for my soul. With Jeremy Riddle singing "How He Loves" playing through my earphones in the library now, I feel so much better, and on the way to being cheerful and relaxed again.

It hit me though - "What am I filling my life with?"

There is so much to be thankful for and joyful about every day, and I will not always feel that way despite that being a constant truth. And yet, the thoughts that I continually feed will eventually be the ones that take over my life.

Humbled then, here I am again choosing to stop the tangent of my negativity and let the peace of God flood my spirit. I put on thankfulness, joy and goodness over my life. And just like that.. my day has become so much better. :)

I am so blessed by the every day lessons He is teaching me. :)

Love,
Dice

Ignite It

Was reminded this week that I have some stubbornly passionate people in my life, and of the incredible honour and joy it is to do life alongside them. :)

Nothing Like Your Presence

"How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?"

Keep On Keeping On

"I went outside and just talked to God, sat on the bench, lay on the floor, stared at the trees and skies. Then I read my Bible and came across Psalm 139, a favourite. And when I came to "even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you", the sun immediately came out behind the clouds and shone brighter than ever. 

It was just a really beautiful moment, and I felt like God was saying He would always shine His light around me."

- February 2010

In the midst of procrasti-read-old-journals-ing in the library, I found this, from 3 1/2 years ago. I read through some prayers I said all that time ago too.

He really does listen, doesn't He?

...

I am so amazed by how far we have come together Papa God. From the little girl that used to go to church with her pink lunch-box bag routinely on Sundays to the almost-an-adult (in 3 months!) now who has bigger life issues to think about and conversations with You about the adventures we are heading towards.. it's so surreal. Where did all that time go?

Thank You for keeping Your promises to me even through all the years. :) 

And when the moments come where I may feel discouraged, I know now that I just have to look back, reflect on how far we've journeyed hand in hand and KNOW that you are always going to be faithful.

As I continue to walk in the footsteps that 16-year-old me would never have even dreamed of, I can believe that 26-year-old me will be one day doing the same too. From glory to glory. :)

Love,
Dice

Moved

Held Tight; Carried Through

I drove home tonight deep in thought, and realized that it had been quite a while since I last spoke to God in my car. When God told me that this would be a season of stretching and struggling through that would grow me.. I didn't expect things to get so challenging. I didn't expect to need Him so much.

And yet, on that dark and quiet drive home, I heard Him tell me to turn on the radio, and that He would speak to me from there. 

So I did, and a song I didn't particularly like came on. 

"Hmm.. guess I heard wrong then."

I kept thinking, and slowly felt God push my thoughts toward Him, toward the way of His heart. Then, I understood, and I felt that peace come back into my life ever so gently. 

And the very next moment.. this song - "Let It Be Love" came on the radio.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I knew that I knew that I knew... that my God really is watching out for me. I truly am held so tight in His arms and carried through anything and everything. The promise of the upright is peace, and because of what Jesus did for me, that is the promise over my life. Because I have been shown grace, I can show grace.

"He set my feet upon the rock" / "He has turned my mourning into dancing" / "Though he falls, he will not be utterly cast down as the hand of the Lord shall uphold him" / "I will lie down and sleep in perfect peace"

Even this God-suggested 45 days of Psalms project has been such a blessing to me for finally, these promises that I have been reading are getting cemented into my spirit by experience.

No matter what comes my way in the future, I am certain, that I am and will always be, held tight and carried through.

My God is so, so faithful. 

Learning to love like Christ,

Dice

The Struggle Is Good For Me

"For someone who preaches about My Presence as much as you do, it's time for you to see if that truly is enough to carry you through."

In every area of my life, the struggle to keep going and excel is priceless for my growth.

I am strengthened as I struggle through. 

#Selah

...

Now if only I can feel the same way about Health Economics.

Love,
Dice

48 Hours Of Family

As I lay on my big sister's lap on the way to the airport tonight, I remembered how I grew up doing exactly that, every day to and from school in our big, orange school bus.

We really all have grown up, haven't we?

Even so though, I know that some things will always be the same. :)

...

It's been a pretty epic past 48 hours as we decided to fly home for the weekend to surprise my dad (and mum) for his 60th birthday. The quote that stayed with us long after it settled the decision was made by Bea Che - "In the years to come, I'll forgot about how much I spent on those air tickets, but I'll never forget how we were there for Daddy's 60th. "

She was right, I will never forget this weekend. :) 

I'll remember how long we thought out our master plan of surprising the parents only to have my mum see us running out the cab outside our house and revealing everything to our dad in that moment. I'll remember papa's "aiyoooo" face as he stood at the bottom of the stairs going "I didn't even clean your rooms for you!" I'll remember our "mamarazzi" being so keen on taking pictures of us to put onto her facebook and how we managed to feed everyone breakfast Sunday morning.

I'll remember all the little things, but mostly, I'll always remember that I am so, so abundantly blessed in this world to call them family.

...

Like all relationships in the world, we have our fair share of ups and downs, loving and bickering, encouraging and grumbling. But hey, that's family right? We may not be perfect, but we'll always be there for one another. This weekend, I was reminded that there is just too much goodness right here, and that family will always, always have a big, cosy, special place in my heart.

By staring right smack at the goodness that God has poured out upon my life, I am humbly reminded that I have so much to be thankful for, and reason enough to have joy, live joy and carry joy into the lives of others every day.

I will choose to live counting my blessings because I know that I can never put a finite number on them, and I will choose to live gratefully because I see how incredibly and unfairly favoured I am in this life.

So, happy 60th Papa! :) Thank you for being such a hero to me all these years, for putting me through med school, rubbing my bruises, fixing my car and broken things, buying me ice cream, eating my cookies and letting me hold your hand wherever we are. I thank God to have been able to call you my papa for 20 years now. I love you long time! :)

So incredibly blessed,

Dice

From The Broken Road

Don't be afraid to live your life. Dance with it. After all, Papa God is holding you close.

...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
- Matthew 11:28-30

Oh, what a season it has been - of uncertainties and so much stress. If I were to sit down and ruminate, there would definitely be an endless list of things for me to worry about because the fact of it is, life is always going to be hectic. There will always be big questions in life that just need answering and numerous little tasks in a day that just need doing. It will feel like there isn't enough time or space to just breathe.

And yet, no matter what I've gone through in a day, if I can just bring my attention back to Jesus for a few moments regardless of where I am.. I always find my feet again.

And right there next to my feet.. my dancing shoes.

Maybe therein lies the secret of life- to fall in love with it every single day.
To know that life itself is such a precious gift, and that to live it out with the One who knows my heart better than anyone else really is the BEST thing. To see a hurdle as an opportunity to work towards something, to build with my hands and joy in co-labouring with God. To consider a moment's struggle as part of the intricate handiwork that is making me wiser, gentler and stronger. To recognize hardship as gain on my part, because of all the goodness I can choose to take away from it. To appreciate and savour the precious moments instead of missing out on them by rushing through life. To understand that in every second, lies the opportunity of finding real joy.

To truly, truly.. live freely and lightly.

It really is all about perspective and not at all about circumstance, isn't it?

...

So.. stop it. Stop saying bleh. Stop the negativity, and the comparison of your lives to others. Stop saying "I can't". Stop believing it's impossible. Stop getting carried away by the waves of your circumstances. Stop being afraid of life, or the future, and stop letting crap into your spirit.

Stop, and breathe. Take His hand, and learn to fall in love with life once more. Move your feet to the music you create and dance to the beat.

And remember.. life IS beautiful.  :)

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
- Psalm 23:6

Love,
Dice

Breathe

"In the end, only three things matter - how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

- Buddhist saying

The Echoes of Barefeet Dancing

Thanks for the picture Luke!

And there came a time in my life where I knew that I knew that I knew.. that this was what God had created me to do. 

This was the calling He had always dreamt for me.

...

It didn't matter that I did not live on or have much then.. I felt very, very rich indeed. :)

I feel so extremely blessed, far beyond what my words alone can express. 

Love always,
Dice

Counting The Cost

There are more important things.

He Calls Me "Enough"

Seek your validation from the world and you will never be satisfied. 

There is no validation without grace, and there can't be grace without sacrifice.

Thank You Papa, for the sacrifice You made on the cross for me, that I can live each day completely soaked in grace, and know that You validate me, You say I am enough. :)

...

My supervising doctor said to me, "How do you know I'm not hearing from God right now?"

He was questioning my understanding of the ways to assess a patient's experience of delusions. In the context of psychiatry, hearing from God is considered delusional, a symptom pointing towards psychosis*.

Maybe by the world's standards then.. I am. 
I hear Him speak to me every single day. I hear Him encourage me, and I hear whispers about the future. I hear the things that He wants me to tell somebody else and I hear my God tell me He loves me.

Regardless of the norms of this world that I too may be subject to, the thought in my mind now is really this:

"Where would I be today, had I not begun to hear Him speak at all? Indeed, where would I be?"

I reckon I'd be totally missing out on life as I know it.

I wouldn't have gotten to see the breakthrough tears flow down faces when the right word came from God through me into their lives. I wouldn't have gotten to laugh with my friend as I faithfully spoke out an almost exact word I did not know before the moment that was actually spoken over her life years before. I would have missed out on hearing time and time again the exact things I needed to hear in that moment, words that spoke so directly to my heart and could move me to trembles and tears immediately. I would not have found my peace with the every day troubles that come with life, and I believe that I would have spent my life searching, and searching for something that remotely satisfied the emptiness within. I don't think I would have found the joy that I carry today at all, nor my hope for the future.

Maybe that belief makes me weak, but the truth is.. I've never felt stronger.

I LOVE that I got to live out this life so early on, and discover the immense liberation that came with my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I LOVE living from testimony to testimony, with healing miracles and divine provisions becoming the new normal, but always exciting nonetheless.

I wouldn't have picked it any other way. :)

Love as always,
Dice

*This actually applies only if it is outside of the acceptable norms of a certain community, but for the purpose of this post and in the context of that conversation, the acceptable norms of my community were disregarded.

Onwards

"If you would prepare your heart, 
And stretch out your hand toward Him;
If iniquity were in your hand, and you would put it far away,
And would not let wickedness dwell in your tents;
Then surely you could lift up your face without spot;
Yes, you could be steadfast, and not fear;
Because you would forget your misery,
And remember it as waters that have passed away,
And your life would be brighter than noonday.
Though you were dark, you would be like the morning.
And you would be secure, because there is hope;
Yes you would dig about you, and take your rest in safety.
You would also lie down and no one would make you afraid;
Yes, many would court your favour."
- Job 10:13-19

To me, this says:

If you would just hold on to Him and keep going, He'll pull you through; He will preserve your joy. 

I'm thankful. :)

Especially so today for the people who are still sowing into my life with encouragements, prayers, long distance letters and last minute visits. My heart is warm. :)

"Lift your eyes! In the midst of all that's going on, lift your eyes, look to heaven and remember it is a mighty God you serve!"
- Isaiah 40:26

Love always,
Dice

"devil, your request has been denied"

Today in church, Pastor Russell talked about this couple in our church who has a 3 year old daughter. One day, mum was reversing the van and accidentally ran over the little girl (not just hit but ran over), and when she got out to see, baby girl wasn't moving. Dad came out the house and started speaking in the Spirit and declaring that everything was going to be okay, and as he laid hands on her and prayed fervently, she began to move again. So the parents quickly rushed her to the emergency department and were told that there would be significant internal injuries with this kind of accident.

Her parents kept praying outside and dad especially, kept going "devil, your request has been denied. devil, your request has been denied!"

When the doctor had completed the tests, the whole medical team was baffled, stating that this was impossible. The little girl had nothing but external scratches from where the van ran her over.

...

Soon after that, Pastor Russell instructed everyone to lay hands on the person on our left and our right and begin to declare the favour and light of God upon them. I put my arms on Lok Yee's shoulder next to me, and felt her arm on the back of my waist.. a spot I am definitely familiar with.

It was where I had my bone marrow biopsy performed on.

So maybe, it's my turn. Maybe I have put up with this sickness for too long and that it's time to pray with the same fervour as that father who just would not give up. "devil, your request has been denied!"

I find it so amazing and overwhelmingly humbling how many people there are in my life who are praying for me right now. Personally, I know I have much further to grow in my daily prayer walk with God, but throughout these past few pretty trying weeks, there have been so many people telling me that they cover me in prayer all the time.

If they can believe in me and my future for God with so much faith, why can't I? In fact, how can I not?

...

I'm so thankful for busy seasons, and difficult journeys. I'm so thankful to be reminded that I need God to keep going, and to know in my Spirit that what Papa always tells me is true - "I flourish in adversity". I'm thankful to feel and to experience and to be able to teach with my life, and to be blessed by so many in this time who are pressing in, pushing me forward, and holding up my hands.

I could not have picked a better life than this one right here, right now.

Thank You, Papa God. :)

Love,
Dice

Real, Raw, Honest

I got angry at God today.

It was over something, that in retrospect, is completely ridiculous but at that point, I was almost fuming from a lot of pent up frustration over the past few weeks.

I completely broke down in worship today. Tears were streaming down my face and I stood there with my arms crossed, refusing to talk to God. I needed some space, and I wanted to let it all out. And so I cried.. until I couldn't anymore.

At that point, with my spirit finally still again, I heard Him speak to me.

"Are you done being angry yet?"

It wasn't a condescending statement, nor did it carry a sarcastic tone.
It was God waiting for me to be ready, understanding enough to let have some time to vent.

 "Yes.. Yes I am."

"Come on here then. I love you."

Oh the weight that left my shoulders then, the liberation that came so unsuspectingly. And amazingly enough, the very next moment, I was in someone's embrace, a young lady I didn't recognize who kept whispering to me "He loves you, He loves you so much."She smiled at me and rubbed my arms. Tearfully, I nodded and thanked her gratefully.

I really am blessed and so well taken care of. 

And it didn't even end there, the day continued on with a kind stranger leaving his running car behind me to help me fix on the metal part of my tyre at the red light, coffee with the lovely Tonia and such timely encouragement, and even more encouragement at the end of the day.

My life is easier than most other people in this world, I know that surely.
And yet, there are those days where raw emotion catches up with me, and the stresses of this world overwhelm me. I don't always feel like talking to God when it does, but every time I do, I never walk away with regrets.

I'll be here to fight another day. Tomorrow will be an even better day. :)

Blessed,
Dice

What A Joy It Is

Probably the cutest thing I have ever made, and I am so blessed to have seen an expression of pure joy from its recipient in return.

After all, what use is a gift, or a talent, if not to bring joy into the lives of others? :)

Don't Hold Back

Funny how just yesterday I was talking about growing older, and its implications.

Because today.. I found myself in the "hot seat" at my GP clinic, interviewing a woman on the brink of her 60th birthday. Not five minutes into this consult, she began weeping and letting out the huge burden she had been lugging around all this while but hid from the world.

Who was I, but a 20 year old? What could I have possibly said to help her believe that everything is going to be OK?

I kept going as best I could, and listened to her because that much I knew, most people just need someone to REALLY listen. After a while though, I didn't know much of what to ask anymore or do in accordance to a GP plan and shot a look towards my GP beside me, who caught the message - "Erm, please help!".

...

I have always been the young one. In many ways I have always felt older than I am, but today I realized, that I also very much feel just.. 19. Ask me how old I am and you may hear me accidentally say 19 without realizing it.

I know that one of the gifts that God has given me is edification and encouragement, something I have been told before on several occasions. And yet, when I leave out the supernatural wisdom that I know is what people encounter when they talk to me sometimes and walk away feeling better, I just feel really.. inadequate. Like really, how much do I know about life? Even talking to some younger than me who have gone through pretty dark things puts me at a loss for words. The worst thing I've probably ever intentionally done with my life in recent years is.. skip class to sleep in. Or perhaps blurt a secret that wasn't mine to someone else. Or stay out late at night to talk to friends and keep my parents waiting up.

I've lived a pretty protected life and I love that I have.. but does that make me somewhat.. unrelatable to a hurting world?

...

Well, I've decided that my prayer is this, that I will be able to keep living my life in such a way, free from temporary pleasures that do not satisfy that I may show the world what life is like with Christ, and what real, unending joy feels like. I pray that my youth will be irrelevant when talking to people of all walks and backgrounds, because of the touch of God upon my life and my tongue. I pray that He will be able to comfort others through me, despite what I may or may not have endured in this life. 

Above all, I pray, that I will never let the inadequacy I feel in my own self stop me from bringing about a change that is bigger than myself, because it is not me but Christ who works in me. 

What a joy to be able to be a part of this. He's astounded me before, with what He can do through me.

Do it again Papa God, I pray. :)

"Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity."
- 1 Timonthy 4:12

Love,
Dice

Carried By The Wind

I used to think that my youth would last forever. 
And yet I see in clinics, the patients that become weaker, sicker as they age. I see that undeniable journey through life and realize that this is the youngest I will ever be again. It's amazing to look back and reflect on how much I have changed in the past five years alone and now find myself here, on the journey of reaching adulthood by the standards of the world. I gotta admit, it can get a bit.. claustrophobic, for lack of a better word. Who knows when their last day might be, and when time might run out?

I used to think that I'd always sail through life.
And yet I'm learning that though favour and talent may be on your side, nothing compares to good old hard work.

I used to think that it was easy to be happy all the time, and to live a passionate life.
And yet I'm starting to understand why people grow harder and more cynical as they age, and every day has become somewhat a battle to fight the flow of the ordinary and press on to the dreams in my own heart.

I used to worry a lot less.
And yet I do worry more now. Is this what it means to grow up?

Sometimes, I tell myself that I don't want to grow up. Perhaps because it scares me, perhaps because the weight of responsibility can be such a heavy one to bear.
And yet.. how much more could a grown up with the believing heart and idealisms of a child do?

I think the key is this - to let His wind carry me through. To keep my eyes on the One who put those dreams there as I press on towards the goal. To seek His strength and His comfort when the streams dry up, and to always, always, fight to live an extraordinary life. 

Ready For A New Adventure

Three months. :)

Today I Am Thankful For..

My life is full of really, really good people. :) 

Hand In Hand, Right?

Even if the day isn't a "Thank You Jesus for being SO SO good to me" day,
Even if the day is a horrible one that shoves your emotions around and breaks your heart,
Even if you have to face the music,
Even if there is a "but only if",
Even if it all feels so unfair,

It should still be a , "Thank You Jesus, I'm alive, and I know I still have much to be thankful for" day.

Resistance Training

A few days ago, I received a humongous scare when the toilet paper I unsuspectingly pulled from the roll revealed a huge brown cockroach beneath the metal cover. I screamed in response and was far too afraid to continue using the bathroom. Excuse me for being a 'girly girl', but it completely freaked me out that the cockroach was nearly on my hand.

I only went back later with my eldest sister in tow for some sort of protection. To be honest, I was a total whine and scaredy cat, to the point where my sister exclaimed, "You're normally so brave and now I can't believe you're scared of a little cockroach!"

Anyways, we couldn't find it, which meant that it was lurking somewhere. I had to just use the bathroom cautiously, ready to make an escape if necessary.

I spent that day a little mad at God for bullying me like that. To have a cockroach in my toilet was okay, but it was on my toilet roll and gave me such a huge shock when my hand was there. To top it off, I had prayed once, fully believing too I might add, that all forms of small, violent animals and insects would never come near me because well.. my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I declared that they would fear the light in me and thus stay far away.

I know my anger was irrational, and probably out of place as well, yet I couldn't help but feel the way I did.

And would you believe it, that night, I came upstairs to find that cockroach dead, lying right outside my room. 

...

I knew then that Papa wanted to teach me something. 

I knew then that He listens to my every prayer, even the funny ones, even the irrational ones, and while He may not always do what I want Him to do.. sometimes, He grins and lets me have my way.

"Sometimes, you may feel like My favour has left you, but I want you to know that My eyes are always on you, and My heart always for you. Hang in there. You ARE favoured, even if it doesn't show yet."

:)

...

And then tonight, a bird pooped directly onto my hand, a first experience in my 20 years.

Frustrated and upset, I let out a big sigh.. after the scream that came as a reflex upon noticing the poo on my arm.

What are the odds? Why is this happening to me? Why does it feel like God is out to get me?

These were the questions I knew the answer to, that I just had to throw out to Him in anger anyways.

...

It's about resistance training.

It's about not letting fear get the best of me. It's about being okay with bad circumstances because a life of missions would entail cockroaches and bird poop too. It's about winning the battle in my own mind and spirit.

I've learnt, that it's about praising the name of Jesus even when the bad things happen, to laugh with the crowd when these odd bouts of 'bad luck' take me by surprise, to believe no matter what happens that I am a favoured and precious child of God. Putting it into practice though, requires a bit more time and a lot more heart from me.

But you see.. the more I can do that, the more I can live the way Papa intended me to -

.. safely housed by His everlasting peace in an insanely chaotic world. 

Blessed by everyday lessons,
Dice

Faith

When things get hard, take it as a compliment. 

...

It's God, whispering, "I believe in you."

"I know you are stronger than this."

"The good things are on their way."

Someone Else's Home

On the way out of my housing area tonight, the security guard looked in the car and smiled wide at me.

"You went to Nepal right? Your mother told me about it! How was it? Did you like it?"

His joy was infectious, and soon I realized that I was smiling wide in return.

Here he was, asking if I liked the place he calls home. :)

...

This Nepal trip has offered me so much new perspective. While I may not have been of as much help as I hoped to be, I got to learn much, and understand more of the world.

One of my last days here before leaving for this trip was spent in KL city with my dad looking for a foreign currency exchanger. The more we roamed KL, the more I realized that this was a city of Nepalese men, amongst other races. A moment of sudden empathy hit me. These are men that have left their homes, their wives and their children to make a living that they may be able to provide for them. These are the men who have sacrificed much for what is most precious to them.

The plane ride to Nepal was likewise filled with Nepalese locals. Some looked excited, while others looked indifferent. And there it was again, this moment of empathy. What was it like for them to be returning to their country, after who knows how long? What did it feel like to be able to drop the responsibilities of a harsh world for but a moment, and go home? Could it be possible, that I have been taking the experience of 'going home' for granted?

Not only that, my mum told me recently that the village I had visited up the mountains, the one that made me fall in love with Nepal - Khalte, was actually one of our guard's hometowns. I wish I could tell him how beautiful it still is, and how incredibly hospitable the people there are. I bet that the curry and dahl I had eaten without a second thought is the meal he misses the most. Had I told him these things, I believe that he would have savoured every last word, just for a taste of home. 

...

It's a world out there, of people. 

Isn't it amazing that there exists a place that is so entirely different from what I consider home.. yet it is the only home for somebody else?

...

I think that I have fallen irrevocably in love with this world I live in. 

I have fallen in love with diversity, with people, with life and with the opportunity to live for but a moment in someone else's home.

I am as blessed as ever. :)

Love,

Dice

Devotion

"It is My joy to carry you on My back."

Wow. 

2014

It didn't feel the same as last year.

Last year, I was so ready and felt completely prepared to leap into the new year. I was eager for the new, the change, the better.

But.. this time, as praise went on in church during Thanksgiving service, I realised that I was still holding on to 2013, too afraid to let go.

Perhaps it was just a feeling I couldn't shake for some reason. Perhaps too much had happened in the span of this one year and it was merely overwhelming me then. Perhaps it was because there are many changes to be expected next year, as well as many new challenges to undertake. Or perhaps, it were the echoes of the future that I've been feeling in my spirit, and the fear of the unknown.

I closed my eyes and prayed.

And then this memory came to mind - while I was on holiday in Bali with my family, we visited a temple with an incredible sea view that came along with aggressive monkeys infamous for grabbing people's things. Personally, I have a huge dislike for monkeys after having been chased by one many years before, so I did not look forward to this experience at all. Upon entering this place, all us girls in the family wanted to stick close to my dad, because we were sure that being close to him in a monkey-infested area meant we'd be safe, and protected, and that there would be absolutely no need to fear as long as we could hold on to him.

Likewise, my Heavenly Father was assuring me that I could stick close with Him throughout 2014, and no matter what it was that scared me or wanted to break me in this time, He would fight them off for me and remain by my side to walk with me always. I just have to keep looking forward and bravely continue going.

...

I'll be okay. :) I'll be okay.

2014.. is going to be even better still.

Blessed New Year,
Dice