the untitled post

wanna journey into my mind for minute? =P

i find it so amazing (i really need new adjectives) that people can bond over the smallest things. and fight over the smallest things too. but back to bonding, i thought of this yesterday when we were celebrating jayn's birthday in asia cafe. when we got up to go, it was raining, like heavier than drizzling. and some of us had umbrellas while some of us didn't. so we shared umbrellas, walking and laughing in the rain, most of us in pairs. it's just, something as simple as rain and umbrellas could bring us together.. that's pretty =D lor.. =)

most people choose ignorance when they face a burden that doesn't have to be theirs to bear, a call to be compassionate, a need in others lives. i don't want to be most people.

i remember reading about how you can die from heartbreak. from heartbreak, a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo here, your heart stressed out and just stops functioning. scary huh?? but cool in a cool way..

maybe we're all just looking for answers to the questions we don't dare to ask. and sometimes we find it, unexpectedly. whether or not the answer is what we wanted to hear in the first place.

my problem is i always run away from akward situations. like telling people what i really think. but i gotta learn to draw the line between holding my tongue and not correcting when i should.

nobody wants to be ordinary. everyone wants to be extraordinary. well, look up, God made you one of a kind, even if you don't always feel it.

i hate falling short of my standards for myself. i often worry that i won't end up the person i want to be. but i still don't know what tomorrow holds.

scary how life pasts you by huh?

maybe you're not there yet because God has other plans for you now. like the israelites in the desert for 40 years. i think i still have lessons to learn right where i am now. and maybe, just maybe, even lessons to teach.

i remember reading about how a mother lifted a car off her child when he was crushed by it or something, something to do with adrenaline rush wan. that was really amazing. love's probably the greatest thing we have that's given by God, and many times He's bestowed it to us in many ways, especially in the most sacrificial way,through Jesus. no wonder love is so amazing, even among humans. it's so beautiful to see how much power love holds. i know this sounds very corny, disney cartoon lesson, but ah well, you're reading it, deal with it! ;P

i know i've been stoning and emoing more lately. i don't know why either. mid-life crisis perhaps? hahah, bit too early for that! haha, but one thing that really made me feel loads better was "you gotta be happy cause happy is candice!" or something like that. =) thanks gene!

to live life is to experience pain, love, joy, sadness. not just one of the mentioned.

it really is more blessed to give than to receive. yea..

see me for who i really am.

the God who cares

well truth is, i haven't been all that close to God recently. been under satan's yoke(b.u.s.y).. sigh, but still even when i am the one who leaves God and forgets to spend time with Him, He still continues to amaze me. He really knows what it is i need, and it isn't always what i thought i did. last night, manda and rachel came for dinner at my place and out of much persuasion from me, they decided to spontaneously sleepover. i really thank God for them, we talked and i realized just how far we have drawn apart again, but after rachel fell asleep i talked to manda for like an hour, and everything she said really touched me and spoke straight to my heart kinda thing. like advice that really hit home. and i just really thank God for them, at the right timing when i really needed my pals. =D see i know i have friends who love me and really sincerely care for me, but i often wonder how far they'd go to help me through, stuff like that la. which they have definitely been awesome in, but today i realized, that with God, i never have to wonder how far He would go with me, how much He loves me cause i already believe with all my heart that He loves me unconditionally, sacrificially and infinitely. and there is such a peace and comfort that comes with that knowledge. He loves me enough to plan all of my life down to every little detail, that He cares about me being pissed for losing a book or whatever, and i'm just in awe. that the God who created the universe and made all things beautiful, would love.. me.

yesterday manda was telling me about how i need to strengthen my faith in God, to the point where i never feel lonely, because i can always feel God there, holdin my hand through it all. and that had such a WOW impact on me. because of how true it was and how it really applied to where i am now. our God is a God who loves, who cares and He is always there. i really learnt my lesson, i am never alone. =) since i started watching glee, the song lean on me has been kinda in my head alot, all their songs are. but today i felt God telling me, "lean on Me." that's just uber the wow la.

sometimes, when i'm going through tough stuff, i know things will be okay and the security of having God to lean on and complain to, makes everything not so bad after all. because at the end of the day, i still have God in my life. i have the God who cares in my life. and really, that's all i need.

hey you, don't settle for second best. =)just hang in there a little longer. God's working His plan already.

today we had missions sunday in church. and a lot of it was about trusting God's plan for your life and having the courage to go where He wants us to. truth is, i'm scared. i'm really scared of God's plan for me, afraid that it's too much for me to handle although, i know for sure that He won't let me down. i can't let my fear trample my faith!

and i also learnt that you really gotta stop imagining that your life lies in the future. like we always imagine one day we're gonna be doctors or teachers or astronauts whatever, wives, husbands etc. and there is when life begins. and i've said this to myself countless times but still i manage to fall back into that trap of living in the future all the time. life is all about the here, the now. being a 16 year old girl typing this, that is who i am. someone with her own struggles and joys, i am not a doctor yet, i am not a mother or a wife yet, i am not there yet, i am here. and i gotta start living in the present or i'm gonna miss out on life, wondering where all these years went. i always said i wanted to make a difference in people's lives, and i finally realized today i guess, why not now? what's wrong with making a difference where i am now? maybe it won't be as big scaled as i dreamt, but i want to be able to go to bed at night, knowing i counted on God that day to do what He wanted me to do, knowing i lived fully and faithfully. sigh but as always, it's much much easier said than done.

hahah this post has a lot of lessons that i have learnt recently. this lesson is about people and how God works mysteriously, having higher ways than ours. in my life, i have met people who truly appreciated our friendship and turned to me for advice and stuff like that. sometimes, when i am at my selfishest, i am bitter and irritated towards them, which i feel very guilty for. but still having them in my life at all is kind of a blessing to me, because it is more blessed to give than to receive, and truly the best kind of joy comes from serving others. the lesson i learnt was, who am i to decide who God wants me to serve? sometimes there are people i would rather serve than others, but really, God has a plan that's way bigger. whoever is in Your life is in Your life for a purpose and it's an amazing purpose too. and when you obey, faithfully, you'll end up with so much more joy and satisfaction and faith that you expected to get. =) so if you're reading this now, i hope you could learn the same lesson i did, to be tolerant towards those who do need you in their lives, whether they show it obviously or not. even if it gets annoying to always serve sometimes. because what you say and how you act towards them, can impact who they become, completely.

and i realized one more thing yesterday, that maybe my guilt if one of my gifts from God. like in school, my friends always told me i had too big a conscience, and it made me suffer a bit la, in the sense that i'm always feeling guilty for the smallest mistakes and when i hurt people's feelings. but i realized, that it's better this way, that i am, in a way more sensitive to my sinning, and it's just an angle i never saw before. and it's totally cool too!

in my life, i remember a lot of small seemingly unsignificant details. like a simple phrase of encouragement (sometimes the person saying it doesn't even know it's encouraging me), it can stick with me forever. i get those from CAR ParK and shum alot. =P thanks guys, for being my support so often. i <3 you guys loads. =)

i gtg, supposed to be studying but my sister's going back to melb soon and they want me to gamble with them. hahaha, then i'll ber-bio. =P


people i can be myself with. =)

will we reach it?

i just finished watching fame with my sister. slept earlier and done my homework so still awake to blog about it. =P it just brings me back to what i always talk about, like the dreams we're meant to have and believing in yourself and i'm so errrr right now. i am in awe of people who have the talent and courage to pursue their dreams, whatever it is they are so passionate about, like in fame. performing arts is so fun and beautiful and man i would have loved the chance to live that life. but truth is, i don't. haha, it's okay, cause i know i don't have what it takes to be worthy of that industry. but it makes me wonder, what am i really passionate about? like, some people live their whole lives knowing exactly what their dream is, or they find it along the way. have i found mine or am i just wishing on a star? haha i don't even know what i'm typing anymore. i guess right now the dream is to be a doctor that has a heart for people who need me, whoever they might be. but the tough question here is, is fulfillment the same as happiness? but still i can do everything i guess.. especially with the musical and stuff now, i really really do love theatre and being on stage and singing and dancing, i love it. it makes me happy. but no way i can do it professionally, but on the other hand being a doctor will make me feel satisfied, and like live a life for others, which is very fulfilling. but as i said, some dreams are not meant to be. i think that those are the dreams you don't want enough to break barriers and work your sweat glands off for. i just wish i had that conviction so strong, it makes me know who i want to be exactly. but this is life right? hahah, and i still do want to get married and have a family and stuff, scary thought that that isn't in my control, and if i had to choose between the two, would it be selfish to choose love? haha, i'm sorry, my mind's just wandering again, i've talked about this a million times already.. still confused though. =)

i think what everyone needs is someone to watch you. to see the beauty in you that you cannot see by yourself. to make you feel like you belong. to let you know that you are talented or called to do something, and to inspire you to move forward. but as we realize how much it would rock to have someone like that around us, who believed in us whole-heartedly, we should see the need to become that person for those around us. to believe in their capabilities without a doubt.

my favourite line in fame was " i'm talented, someone's gotta make it out there, why can't it be me?"- Malik. "whoever told you you were so special?"- Malik's mom. "you did."-Malik. and she was like stunned.. i was like wah!!!! =P i like Mr dowd too, he's cool.

i think the life i would have wanted would be full of different things, like dr gordon gordon in bones. like i could try dance and medicine and circus arts and whatever else, and live with so much variety. but then, would it be better to live with just one thing you love completely? well i don't love anything completely yet so maybe the first choice till i do? hahah, but like i learnt in the princess and the frog, what you want isn't always what you need.

and sometimes i get frustrated that now is such and intermediate zone, like i'm not at the critical point of acheiving my dreams if you get what i mean, still like in the permulaan cerita or whatever comes after that.. still i realized, now would be a good time to discover who i really am, and realize where my heart lies. i'm glad i'm trying different stuff now already, well sort of, but i'm just really thankful to have this musical a part of my life for now. i really do love practices and stuff.

have you ever thought about what you could do, and saw it to be so wonderful and amazing? seen yourself do great things and be awed? i guess my question is, what's stopping you? what's stopping me? ish, take those barriers and step on it!!! garh.

i know i complain and whine too much. bad habit, sorry. =P on my new year's resolution!

i also loved the final show, the ballet was so freaking awesome. i miss dancing. like so much. but i sing a lot now, like around the house and stuff, i know i'm no celine dion or mariah carey (hahah!) but i like it, it makes me happy, deal with it! hahah, i won't scold you if you scold me for being noisy... =P ooh i miss running too. and the park, i was early for cg that time and it was completely empty except for some cleaners. i just sat there, stoning and g8 ppl would call it and pondered. it felt nice, the air was cool and can hear the birds chirping, very cool wan. =P

you know what, i gotta take it a day at a time. to live out my dreams a day at a time. yea... "just enough strength, to live for the day. so i never have to worry what tomorrow will bring, cause my faith is on solid rock, i'm counting on God." -Counting on God.

oh and happy birthday Farinho! =D 18 is old.:P

haha, i think i'm writing too often here again. next time i do, it'll be when i have something completely new to ramble on about. thanks for reading anyways! =) and fame was the bomb, i really liked it, go watch it! =)


the last time i was on stage. =)

stronger

=) lately i've been emoing/stoning which appears emo more, and i felt bad for doing so. such a party pooper. haha, but twice already now when i started being quiet and apparently uncandice-like, the people around me have cheered me up by doing the simplest stuff and i immediately bounce back to being hyper and BLAH!. thanks peeps! =D yea, i was just awwed and happy bout that. hahahha..

random: i like what i wore today. =D white and lime green, like the tropicana lime and vanilla ice cream.

ivan sent me this email and i found it really inspiring, it's lengthy but do read it! it's very enlightening.

I can only imagine...

Heaven as written by a 17 Year Old Boy
This is excellent and really gets you thinking about what will happen in Heaven.

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote." It also was the last.

Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teays Valley High School in Pickaway County

Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them, notes from classmates and teachers, and his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven.
It makes such an impact that people want to share it. "You feel like you are there," Mr. Moore said.. Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moore 's framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.

Here is Brian's essay entitled:

" The Room.."
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked" I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at."

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents Often there were many more cards than expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now I had to empty it and burn the cards...
But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.. No one must ever, ever know of this room I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.
Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.
The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room.. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

If you feel the same way forward it to as many people as you can so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?

i really really really have to start taking my own advice.

anyways, in the upcoming months i'll be really busy with the musical and juggling everything else but i'm totally excited anyways. the musical's really fun and i just love all this theatre-y broadway stuff.. but the stress can be overwhelming, when i really have to juggle and then get scolded for not having enough sleep. but yesterday i went for AGC meeting in church with a horrible attitude thinking i'm so busy, when really it was just sulking la. but we started our meeting with prayer and i felt so peaceful even, and like just wow. cause there, we actually started what we did by praying and i really need to do that for all my crazy juggling coming up. it felt alot more wow than it sounds la.. and the meeting ended up pretty fun. like i said, all about the 'tude. =P but God's really amazing, that He would care so much about me, about my little problems when He's got like other huger things to deal with. no problem too small for Him, and that really makes me amazed and i really do love Him loads! i haven't been spending much time with Him tho, and i feel really bad about it. but what good is feeling bad if i don't do something about it right? i absolutely hate falling short, knowing i'm doing something in my life completely wrong. sigh.

"you can choose to be happy, right now."

haha if you're reading this, remember that you are loved! =) by me, by God, by whoever is within a 500m radius of you. bye!

daily dose of inspiration

True colours - Cyndi Lauper(as heard from Glee)
You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Today my sister was telling us about this MTV show bout sweet sixteens or something like that, and she watched this uber spoiled girl demand a huge ship with a pink carpet and shoes from itely etc. for her sweet sixteen. and i thought of my sweet sixteen. there were many memorable events from it but the part i loved the most, that i made it one of the best birthdays i've had, was spending it in sweet cafe with shum, vonne, james, nagu and faris. i wore my crazy rainbow shoes from my friends for the first time there, and when we wanted to take a group picture, i looked absolutely horrible. haha, i was in my specs, with my hair all tied up in a messy bun, my orange uniform shirt riding up to my waist as it always does. and i think shum asked me if i wanted to take my specs out for the picture(which i have no idea where it is now, the pic i mean) and i said no, i liked being able to look like that at my birthday, to still be loved by my awesometastic friends, no matter who i am. true colours eh? =) i think i'll always remember that, seems so minor compared to bigger events in my life, but still as always, it's the little things in life that count. =)

lately i've been talking a lot about my life, more than i usually do i think. but it seems like i have this new way of looking at things lately, i'm just more thankful and more sensitive to the little things that happen. you know, i learnt that in every situation, no matter how horrible, there is ALWAYS something to be able to thank God for. thank Him for family, friends that stay by your side, or even just for the rain that watered the garden for us or having just enough money for dinner that day. cause when you do, it makes you see that the little things are all part of a much bigger plan. that like pieces of a puzzle, not the 6-piece kind, but the million piece kind, where each moment of our lives, every little one, is significant and each builds us to become who we are. and sometimes if you say life sucks, you may be right. but if you say there's absolutely nothing good in it, nothing worth being happy about, no one moment of perfection to be grateful to God for, i'll tell you to look harder. and when you see the beauty of life, and your life, you'll be amazed, and the bad stuff? it won't matter so much anymore. =)

advice from square root michelle: make it happen. =)
we were complaining bout not finding anything on our rush hour shopping trip before dinner and she said we gotta make it happen. i think it could be a pretty valuable lesson in life too. you want a better life? make it happen. you want to make new friens? make it happen. if you are reading this now, i hope you realize just how much control we have over our lives. many times we blame our circumstances, stuff we cannot control, when our life isn't going well. even if that is so, YOU have the power to change things. make it happen. and when it happens, don't forget to thank our great God for it.

and remember that in every situation, no matter how ugh or sucky, there's always a lesson to learn. a new person to befriend. a lesson to teach. a life to impact. it's all about the attitude we have towards that situation. so chins up, smile and take whatever comes, with a rocking, positive 'tude. =D good night!

right here, right now

well, i had a pretty great day today! i think today was like one of the best chinese new year days ever, first we went to uncle pike(how to spell?)'s house au usual and watched glee there, and just talked a bit here and there. then we came home and rested a while and four lost sheep decided to crash my place. haha, but it ended up pretty fun also la, we just sat and talked outside. but the awesomest was when my sisters came back from swimming, they totally crashed a clubhouse and just swam there while my dad stood watch. haha! anyways, after they showered and stuff we started the father-daughters gambling!! i think this is like the third year already we gambled with each other, =P. spent like three hours outside playing sap sam fa. daddy's always very lucky, won so much! hahah then i won a bit too and my sisters lost quite alot. oh well, it's all good fun! then we played football after that, it was like eight already. it was fun, didn't know my dad so chun in football wan, we were having so much fun kicking the ball and laughing. then we watched princess and the frog instead of going out for dinner so my mum cooked us some fried rice, french toast and fried chicken, my favourite kind of simple dinner. we sat in the living room watching our cartoon while eating, and after that watched 2012. well i slept through 2012 la. but still, it's family time like this that chinese new year is all about and i really enjoyed today.

oh i wanted to type that i thought princess and the frog was so cute, and very sweet too. i know people always say cartoons are corny and lines like all you need is love and stuff are just so geli dey. but sometimes when you don't look at what people have reduced it too and see it for the meaning it intended, you'll see that love is all you need, and i thought bout our family day today and i was so awww-ed la. and it was so sweet how they stayed frogs and stuff and lotte is so adorable! i like how tia said the only way to acheive your dreams is to work hard, and how the witch doctor person oh yea, mama odie said like dig deeper, what you want isn't what you need and stuff. disney movies still have lots of lessons in them lor! i loved how ray ended up next to evangeline, that was so so sweet! hahaha, i'm such a kid at heart la, i still like this cartoon while my sister was going, so kiddy wan!! hahaha.. =)

but what i really wanna type about is family. today i realized how great and important they are to me, each of them. and i really do love them all. you know, it's like so often we bicker about the missing nail clipper or not helping out around the house or about what movie to watch or sometimes, someone is just more cranky than the other. but still at the end of the day, we're family and i can choose to see the good in us rather than the bad. i offered to wash the dishes while they started the show, but they waited anyways. as i was washing up i heard them just talking amongst themselves and laughing, and strangely i didn't feel left out. it was like how in gamma i used to sit and listen to the 'melody' of the class and smile to myself. and today that sorta happened and i just felt so happy and blessed. i had a lot i wanted to say but hahah i forgot. still if you're reading this, remember that family is important, and it's never too late to make things better. =)

thank you God, for everything. =) i love You too! =D



lots of love,
Candice.

=.=

it's 4 am now and i just finished looking through unis and stuff. i am so blur about what to do next yr. totally worried too. but i'm going to sleep now. good night. =)

the freedom within

well, today's cho yat! =) been uber busy with the open house, crazy stuff. my momma decided to cook for our 50ish guests and guess who had to wash all the REAL not paper plates? haha, me and my sisters. it wasn't too bad tho, had some fun cleaning up.. +0 my dad finished the decking like 10 minutes after ppl started arriving. he accidentally hammered his finger and blood was like all over the floor and his finger was just ewww.. sigh, daddy daddy.. but the decking's up and it's really really gorgeous. can lie there and stare at the stars or dance there, but it's only romantic when you don't dance alone, and my sisters wouldn't dance with me. =P

i hate feeling guilty.
i hate feeling akward and unable to be who i really am around people.
i love walking barefoot in our garden.
when i'm really angry, i won't say it out loud, unless you prod me bout it.

today my aunty suggested i study my medicine in india. and it seems like something people always say good but india is a VERY improbable choice. but my aunty kept saying that india is just as dangerous as malaysia, she's been there many times. but she's memang the very tough kind of person and street smart too. but then i thought, i've always said that what i want to do is to go to places where doctors are needed. maybe i should go to india then, and begin a different lifestyle than what i've always imagined. i really thought i'd end up in melbourne studying med there, with gelato on eery corner of the street, and shopping and sushi, but what if i'm meant to go to india? going to india back then was really scary, with all the beggars on the road and pollution and pickpockets, it was very scary and felt so unsafe. could i really bring myself to live that kind of lifestyle there instead of the nice, kinda luxurious one my dad is offering me and sisters have undergone? i really don't know! i know i gotta pray hard. Please show me Your will for my life God! sigh, but, i just googled universities in india and saw a few from the richer cities that my aunt recommended and they look so different than the melb ones. i mean of course la but it really hit me then. and i gues the truth is, i'm really scared and i don't want to go to india!!! sigh, but if, IF, it is God's will for me, then i know He'll give me the courage to go, and the strength to persevere. man, i'm so scared right now, can't believe I have to decide what i'm gonna do with my life. all my different paths will lead me to COMPLETELY DIFFERENT lives.. how??? sigh, i really feel like talking about this to someone now. not even typing like speaking out and whining, sorry i gotta whine sometimes!, cause that will clear my mind a bit. sigh.

i had other stuff i wanted to type but gah i'm so confused now i don't really feel like typing them out. but i will end with:

Faith is believing that no problem is too small for God.
Faith is believing that God cannot love you any more than He already does. MAX sudah. =)

the heart-shaped heart

yea, i dunno why i typed that title either. haha just sounded nice.

anyways, last sunday i was really touched by pearls and kitkat. =) i found out pearly reads my blog and i was so so touched cause i understand it's really lengthy and even i might not bother to read someone else's crazy long blog but she did and i was extremely awwww-ed and just felt so loved la. thanks pearls! =) and the awesome kat wrote me a short note that really inspired me and kinda hit straight on and it made me feel warm and fuzzy too.. thanks kat! =D

today a talked with my sister about how blessed we are. and she agrees with how i feel about it. God has just so richly blessed my family and i am really thankful and gratified.you know, many times in my life i have been labeled as rich kid, even by my good friends. and it sucked big time lor. it gets really annoying to be labeled just because of my circumstances and not because of who i am. but today, i thought about it and i realized that i am where i am thanks to my daddy. over the years he's worked so so hard and saved up and because of that i have all the opportunities in the world. well sorta, but i'm just so blessed to have a father like that, really. many times i don't say it, but he is such an inspiration and he really just fought his way through life and made it to here, to today. my family stands on his hard work and sweat. thanks daddy, i love you! =)

remember how i talked about this awesome swimmer from my school? today i pondered again and realized that i have so many heroes in my life already. those i know. it's like especially since our sleepover, i have been so inspired by all their stories. touched by their courage and perseverance. you guys know who you are. when i talk about staring life in the face and not giving in, these are the people i'm thinking about, and i am so proud to just be your friend. keep fighting and if you ever need
to polish your sword, i'm here! =D

i believe that it's not the fact that you're still struggling with your problem that counts, but the fact that you're trying so hard and giving your best to overcome it, and that your heart is in the right place.

it feels a bit weirder typing now when i know that some people actually read this. i could be really honest then, but i'm still gonna be! =) i really mean all that i say here.

i learnt a lesson recently. once from pleasefindthis.blogspot.com, i read "when you look closely people are beautiful." and like i've been uber mood swinging, and it makes me emo and irritable. at my absolute worst, i am emo, irritable, irritating, easily angry, lazy and just blah. and i just started to be on kinda bad behaviour but nvm, sidetrack sudah. it's like alot of times, we first know people. when you get to know each other better you see their flaws. but we must not forget people are beautiful. and i think that seeing the best in others takes practice and patience. i guess in a way people are like the night sky. dark, black, boring. only when you look closely do you see the stars, shining ever so brightly. and it makes the sky so gorgeous in the end, that the darkness don't matter. you get me?

sometimes when people are getting irritable around me, i wonder if maybe they're going through tough times and i need to be strong and patient for them. very often i fail. i'm sorry. it's just so hard to be who i want to be, and i'm just gahhhh! the Bible says, do unto others what you want others to do unto you. Lord, please help me be patient God, i know i can't do this alone!! oh yea, at my worst i'm also impatient and pretty lost, like i forget who i am.

i miss TOT and CAR ParK, people i can just talk real too. don't get me wrong i absolutely, bombastically, completely, duperly love my new college mates, but i miss having people who really knew what i was like and could understand me, in class next to me. people who understood my moods and need to talk sometimes. i miss my shum shum too! but life goes on, and college really has been awesomely amazing la.

we lo sang'ed on wednesday at ivan's place! it was really fun and sweet, then a few of us went pyramid for dinner and movie. percy jackson was pretty nice, but there was this stupid scary scene in the beginning. lucky anna sat next to me and was being super motherly. hahha, thanks anna! =)

lots of thank yous here! hahhahahaha

anyways, cny's coming up and i'm kinda not feeling much yet, but still pretty excited. happy new year and valentines day!


my "klang river". ;)

the wind beneath my wings

here's something that inspired me today from www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com.

"Outside the station, she stands with her child on the side of the street, taking pictures of cars.

You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.

Because you look. But you do not see.

And she walks out the shop with bags full of cat food. You think she's some crazy cat lady until you find out, she has no cats.

Because you eat. But you do not taste.

It's been a while since their last album but he assures you, he's doing just fine these days, white flecks in his nostrils. Then he asks you if he can spend the night on your couch, even though it stinks.

Because you sniff. But you do not smell.

And they say "Just OK" when you ask them how school was. Then you wonder what they're hiding until you find their diary and the last entry reads "I wish you'd give me some privacy."

Because you listen. But you do not hear.

And they've got a bruise over their eye and you run the tips of your fingers over it and ask them how it happened. You believe them. Until it happens again.

Because you touch. But you do not feel.

And they walk past you everyday, one million stories, each waiting to be told. Waiting for you to ask.

Because you live. But very few, love."

the guy that writes that blog is pretty awesome lor..

anyways, i have stuff on my mind again, as usual. tho i'm getting lazier to type em down, but still it makes me feel nice when i re read my posts. anyways, i've settled on doing my esl investigative study on refugees. rose has been awesome, and she gave me this book to read called the revolving door, by tenaganita malaysia. it is very scary and upsetting, refugees are treated so horribly in malaysia! i remember how after i read like two testimonies from the book, i was already so upset. i thought of my kids and wondered if they had to go through so much pain just getting here. they're innocent,beautiful children who still have so much love to give and i was really upset that day. when i saw them on sunday, i held on extra long, just so afraid for them. they live in constant danger and it is so freaking annoying that our government won't help them but instead always resort to abuse and discrimination. and i thought of moses, i really wonder how he's doing now. i miss him too! but i sure hope he's got a better life in america now. gosh, i have so much i wanna pray about, must put time aside for my awesomest God later!

but thinking about moses made me wonder about how our stories all weave in with one another's. like, i bet all *hahah, sis just came home with our new car! =D* 6.7 billion of us can be connected to form this large chain, showing that we are all connected. and that's really cool. have you ever wondered how many strangers' photos you're in? where you were in the background and accidentally got snapped into the picture too? maybe somewhere someone in russia is looking at a photo that has you in the background. cool thought huh? and i knew moses for so short a time only and i'm not even sure if he'll remember me, or us when he grows up, but still it's life, and life passes you by. and i'm just like wow la.

i remember reading in the revolving door, that it is just an accident of birth that we are born in a country that respects human rights. well , it shouldn't be accident la, cause i believe it's all in God's plan ever since the beginning of time, but still, what it generally means is that us and refugees? we're no different. the only difference is where we were born. they are people too, who love, who fear, who hope for a better future. and i remember thinking that we can't make change happen until we deal with our lack of knowledge and ignorance. but every moment while we stand doing nothing, someone, whose life is just as valuable as ours, is being raped or abused or denied their necessities just because they are a refugee. oh God, please guide me and show me what you want me to do!

so often i find myself flooded with passion but with no means of acheiving it. i just don't know how and it frustrates me deeply!

today in bio we were talking about mutation. and about how mutated fetus(es???) can be born without limbs. and i remembered this guy in my school who had only one arm, but was a paralympics gold medalist swimmer i or somewhere along those bombastically fantastic acheivements one. and i know he must hear it a lot but i truly admire his spirit. that quality, that courage separates him from even some able-bodied people. he is able to take whatever life throws his way and fight back, saying you can't stop me from acheiving my dreams. and that raw human spirit is what amazes me so. i really wonder if i will still be who i am today if i was born under different circumstances. if i was born in a less well to do family, or without a limb, or born to be a refugee, would i still be me? can i really push the clouds aside and give thanks for the sunrays? i love habakkuk 3:17-19, tho i may have typed this before.., "though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food. though the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, yet i will rejoice in the Lord, i will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on high hills."

lately i keep finding more and more things to praise God for. but still i let my busy-ness keep me from actually giving Him time to just sit in thanks. i'm sorry, God. and even when times are bad i just find myself leaning more on Him and gosh i really do love You, Lord! =) Thank you for everything, for life, for friends, for love. =)

about mutation, i also thought about how some pregnant mothers can abort their child so easily while another is fighting to keep theirs. how essentially, one man's trash is another man's treasure. but still God works in mysterious ways and yea.. life isn't fair sometimes but what do you do? you pick yourself up off the ground. you fight back. and tho it may seem the whole worl is against you, remember that God stands with you, always. you're not a survivor, you're a warrior.

things i wanna say

sigh, so in a pms season right now. just emo then happy and cycle repeats.

anyways, i'm writing this about all the things i keep inside. the things i really want you to know just to get it off my chest. and so often i get close to letting you know my frustrations, anger, real feelings, but at the end of the day, i always do what i always do. i shut up and supress. i don't know if it's healthy, but people always say if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all right? well what i wanna say isn't exactly bad, but i don't because 1) it's no use. i have no idea what could happen from you knowing except my relief. which is probably only temporary. 2) you'd be hurt.

but still it gets frustrating and i'm just letting it out here. and i really hate being judged for my looks or talents or money or whatever else people judge me by. i'm just candice and i hope you see that real version of me. and in leader's retreat, i learnt that beauty, wealth, brains, they all fade away eventually or can be taken away in a heartbeat. so i will let myself be defined by the one person that remains the same yesterday, today and forevermore, God. i hope that when you see me, you see His light in me.

i live in a world of obligation. i always have to do what is right or my conscience will eat me up. i'm pretty tired and always feeling guilty. how?

lately i've been thinking of what to do next year. the plan has always been aussie but aussie's gonna be 7 years for a MD and that's really really long. so i'm redeciding my big decisions and i'm so lost. i considered staying here but there are so many reasons i want to go. if i go, then where do i go? russia sounds awesome, but konon dangerous. maybe i'll do twinning from imu.. gosh Lord, please send your guidance!

i miss dancing.

today i visited my friends hostel apartment place right outside college. we were so excited! when i entered his place tho, i felt so sad. he must be so lonely from kota bahru and homesick and i couldn't stop thinking how empty and bare the whole place was. so i went into one of my emo contemplative moments which i think only shum knows about and sorta understands i think(:p). and i thought of how i get to come home to my family everyday, nice house, comfy bed, tv and just so many good things.and that nagging uneasiness in me stuck. and i just felt so thankful to God at the same time that i'm here and so blessed by Him. haha, i'm making my friend sound so sad but it's not that bad la i think. it just really affected me somehow, how tough it must be to be away from home to study. and so anna and i drew him stuff to paste on his wall! =D hope it makes him feel bit less lonely.. i feel so motherly right now, yet i've been childish the whole day.. =P

anyways, facebook is killing me! i'm always uploading stuff, such an addict already! especially when i should be studying or doing my maths homework.

i wonder who actually reads all my blog posts. =P interesting thought, but it's okay i don't really mind. after all i made this blog for my relfections, my trash can in a way. hahah don't know why i'm typing this and writing stuff closer to my heart this time. must be the raging hormones. and callbacks were okay, hope i get through!

some things never change

"leng chi kang satu!" haha, adrian and i always crack up laughing when we repeat that line. this lady in the market yells it in such a funny distinctive way, and she did so too 5 years ago when my sister was studying there. =)

it struck me recently that i don't know the names of a lot of people around me. the guard i always wave to, all the uncle aunties i greet, the fruits man, the chicken rice lady, the nasi lemaks man and so on.. it's just weird to realize how many people there are in my life that i just don't know personally. and man i bet they each have their own story to tell too.

well, i went for leader's retreat recently! got married there apparently, to chris tan. =)we're good together yo! hahahhahah! but truth is, i learnt quite a lot there. though it was tiring i really did have a pretty good time. one awesome moment, or time, was when we had our solitude time. i slept early so i did it early in the morning from 7.30 to 8.40ish.. it was so peaceful in peacehaven(all in the name!). i went outside and just talked to God, sat on the bench, lied on the floor, stared at the trees and skies. then i read my Bible and came across Psalms 139, a favourite. and when i came to the part, surely darkness will fall on me, but even darkness is like light to You, or something like that, the sun immediately came out from behind the clouds and shone brighter than ever. and it was just a really beautiful moment, and i felt like God was saying that He would always shine His light around me and i'm safe in His arms. There is no place safer than our loving Father's arms. and doing my triads with katrina was awesometastic too, i was amazed how much we had to say to each other when it never seemed we could click well. God knows what He's doing, always believe that. triads were supposed to last an hour only, i think we approached two hours, just talking and bonding. =)

oh and for my ESL project, i'm doing about refugees! came across the topic and it just called out to me, especially when i have so many fond memories of my kids. and pastor rose has been just so incredible and supportive, giving me books and setting up interviews and i really thank God for giving me a topic so dear to my heart-should refugees in Malaysia be protected and accepted?

and i'm pms-ing. totally. getting all emo and hungry again, but there's just a lot of confusion in me really. i struggle with who i really am and some days i really just don't know anymore. this past few months have been a time of countless introductions and first impressions and i am exhausted trying to figure out what kind of impression i left on others. i love having friends who already knew my character but now i'm just scared and exhausted really. God help me.

and praise God, i got a callback! =)