anyways, i'm writing this about all the things i keep inside. the things i really want you to know just to get it off my chest. and so often i get close to letting you know my frustrations, anger, real feelings, but at the end of the day, i always do what i always do. i shut up and supress. i don't know if it's healthy, but people always say if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all right? well what i wanna say isn't exactly bad, but i don't because 1) it's no use. i have no idea what could happen from you knowing except my relief. which is probably only temporary. 2) you'd be hurt.
but still it gets frustrating and i'm just letting it out here. and i really hate being judged for my looks or talents or money or whatever else people judge me by. i'm just candice and i hope you see that real version of me. and in leader's retreat, i learnt that beauty, wealth, brains, they all fade away eventually or can be taken away in a heartbeat. so i will let myself be defined by the one person that remains the same yesterday, today and forevermore, God. i hope that when you see me, you see His light in me.
i live in a world of obligation. i always have to do what is right or my conscience will eat me up. i'm pretty tired and always feeling guilty. how?
lately i've been thinking of what to do next year. the plan has always been aussie but aussie's gonna be 7 years for a MD and that's really really long. so i'm redeciding my big decisions and i'm so lost. i considered staying here but there are so many reasons i want to go. if i go, then where do i go? russia sounds awesome, but konon dangerous. maybe i'll do twinning from imu.. gosh Lord, please send your guidance!
i miss dancing.
today i visited my friends hostel apartment place right outside college. we were so excited! when i entered his place tho, i felt so sad. he must be so lonely from kota bahru and homesick and i couldn't stop thinking how empty and bare the whole place was. so i went into one of my emo contemplative moments which i think only shum knows about and sorta understands i think(:p). and i thought of how i get to come home to my family everyday, nice house, comfy bed, tv and just so many good things.and that nagging uneasiness in me stuck. and i just felt so thankful to God at the same time that i'm here and so blessed by Him. haha, i'm making my friend sound so sad but it's not that bad la i think. it just really affected me somehow, how tough it must be to be away from home to study. and so anna and i drew him stuff to paste on his wall! =D hope it makes him feel bit less lonely.. i feel so motherly right now, yet i've been childish the whole day.. =P
anyways, facebook is killing me! i'm always uploading stuff, such an addict already! especially when i should be studying or doing my maths homework.
i wonder who actually reads all my blog posts. =P interesting thought, but it's okay i don't really mind. after all i made this blog for my relfections, my trash can in a way. hahah don't know why i'm typing this and writing stuff closer to my heart this time. must be the raging hormones. and callbacks were okay, hope i get through!
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