the freedom within

well, today's cho yat! =) been uber busy with the open house, crazy stuff. my momma decided to cook for our 50ish guests and guess who had to wash all the REAL not paper plates? haha, me and my sisters. it wasn't too bad tho, had some fun cleaning up.. +0 my dad finished the decking like 10 minutes after ppl started arriving. he accidentally hammered his finger and blood was like all over the floor and his finger was just ewww.. sigh, daddy daddy.. but the decking's up and it's really really gorgeous. can lie there and stare at the stars or dance there, but it's only romantic when you don't dance alone, and my sisters wouldn't dance with me. =P

i hate feeling guilty.
i hate feeling akward and unable to be who i really am around people.
i love walking barefoot in our garden.
when i'm really angry, i won't say it out loud, unless you prod me bout it.

today my aunty suggested i study my medicine in india. and it seems like something people always say good but india is a VERY improbable choice. but my aunty kept saying that india is just as dangerous as malaysia, she's been there many times. but she's memang the very tough kind of person and street smart too. but then i thought, i've always said that what i want to do is to go to places where doctors are needed. maybe i should go to india then, and begin a different lifestyle than what i've always imagined. i really thought i'd end up in melbourne studying med there, with gelato on eery corner of the street, and shopping and sushi, but what if i'm meant to go to india? going to india back then was really scary, with all the beggars on the road and pollution and pickpockets, it was very scary and felt so unsafe. could i really bring myself to live that kind of lifestyle there instead of the nice, kinda luxurious one my dad is offering me and sisters have undergone? i really don't know! i know i gotta pray hard. Please show me Your will for my life God! sigh, but, i just googled universities in india and saw a few from the richer cities that my aunt recommended and they look so different than the melb ones. i mean of course la but it really hit me then. and i gues the truth is, i'm really scared and i don't want to go to india!!! sigh, but if, IF, it is God's will for me, then i know He'll give me the courage to go, and the strength to persevere. man, i'm so scared right now, can't believe I have to decide what i'm gonna do with my life. all my different paths will lead me to COMPLETELY DIFFERENT lives.. how??? sigh, i really feel like talking about this to someone now. not even typing like speaking out and whining, sorry i gotta whine sometimes!, cause that will clear my mind a bit. sigh.

i had other stuff i wanted to type but gah i'm so confused now i don't really feel like typing them out. but i will end with:

Faith is believing that no problem is too small for God.
Faith is believing that God cannot love you any more than He already does. MAX sudah. =)