today at dinner, i reflected on how blessed i am. i live a happy life, healthy family, great friends, good education etc. a friend's recent comment that i was a 'rich kid' to be able to study overseas floated to my mind. on more than one occasion i have been labeled as the rich kid who had things so easy. and i guess to some extent, that's true. still, i've admitted this to many before too, i hate the label. which is why there are some encouragements i have received that i never forgot, because they showed me that to some, i'm not just a 'rich kid'. haha i remember the day mich admitted she used to be afraid of me cause i came from SriKL and i was like 'what?? lol. are you still scared of me?' and she replied, "no you're different. :)'. hahah never will forget that. :) i really don't know where i'm heading, i'm just wandering around my mind now. still, i'll admit i'm really blessed, to have parents that would support me in ANY course i would like to go for, even circus arts. :) i remember how my daddy took me seriously when i told him that the National Institute of Circus Arts was super awesome. and then this thought entered my mind..
what if.. i was born under the circumstances in which i was born, simply so that i would have the means to study exactly where God wanted me? i'm basically in line with His destiny for me now. and that's a cool thought!
so today i said thanks to my dad, for giving me the freedom to choose and the opportunity to chase my dreams. i've known for a while now that i wanted to be a doctor. sometimes i have these funny conversations with myself in my head, and as i was washing the dishes today, i thought, is it really that important for me to become a doctor? the world's overflowing with doctors right now. i'll just be.. one of them. maybe i'd be able to help more people in other ways. to which i replied myself, "one day, you're gonna save a life (well help save a life by God's grace), and it won't be someone else that did it, but you. and for that one person, and all the other one persons you will play a role in 'rescuing', that would be why you became a doctor. to do what God has instructed and to walk the path He's called you to walk." and i'm like hmm, cool. :) yet somedays i wonder how i could ever repay my dad, especially if my dream job isn't in a prestigious hospital but perhaps on the street or slums. tough i know, but that's the dream! ;) after all the money and effort he'd have labored to put me through this, i'm gonna earn.. barely enough? sigh, i don't know. like i've been saying a lot, so far my life simply extends till getting my offer and setting where to go. after that however, i haven't thought so far yet. still, other than for me, for God and for the friends i promised, i'm gonna study hard for my dad, and my family. the ones who have been such a.. backstage pillar of support and strength in my life. they weren't always the ones that gave the heartwarming encouragements that brought tears to my eyes, but all it takes is quiet reflection to know that they'd walk with me through thick and thin, and hold me wherever i choose to fly, with their love. thank you guys, i'll make you proud i promise! :)
some days i really wonder who i am, where God wants me. i look back on my life and wonder what i've done, how it doesn't seem to be much. there are times i feel surrounded by my failures, my shortcomings, my burdens and i just feel so.. lost. who am i really? who did God intend for me to be? i really do imagine there'd be a day in the future, when i'm living out my destiny, either being a mom or some medical missionary in africa or some other unfathomable future right now, and it will all make sense. but that's not necessarily true is it? my life could end way before that, it could end before i get my degree, it could end tomorrow. and as i lie in my bed now, i'm wondering, what do i have to show for it? people tell me i'm nice, but 'nice' hardly seems much to have impacted lives with. i know i'm just being all overthoughtful again, but still i wonder what my answer will be when Jesus asks me, "what have you done with your life?". and like parallel to that, i'm wondering what does it mean to be.. me? what does it mean to be me.. now? there have been moments in my life i feel very me, if this makes any sense at all. it is in the talks with experienced uncles in crisis home, the priceless hug with someone who needed it, in the moments i'm 'crazy' again doing the next stupid thing with my equally hyper friends and in the moments of peace when i feel that life is good. so i'm left with a pretty scary question, what about the in-betweens? who am i then? sighhhhh, i doubt you're following me now! sorry. just in a very thoughtful mood now. :P
in my life, there have been many times i watched numerous friends and even family of mine suffer or go through trials while my life is all dandy. and i ask God why? why do i get to be so blessed? on one hand i've heard God say to me before, don't you trust me with the lives of those you love? and on the other hand grace che che always tells me that God gives us all different challenges, and all for His own purpose. which is kinda mindblowing i think. :) i don't know how to explain this anymore, but yea, God's got an incredible plan for each of us, not one of em better than the other.
this was pretty cool, and the green mile was a superb movie! :)
"Paul Edgecomb: On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?
John Coffey: You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand? "
-The Green Mile
one of the thoughts that floated in my mind was, i wonder what John Coffey would have seen had he looked at my hand and my heart. "You can't hide what's in your heart". i wonder.
Lord, give me the strength to do Your will. i pray that You will grant me the ability to see others through Your eyes, realizing how precious they are to You, and at the moments i see nothing good left in me, that i will be able too, to see how precious i am to You. teach me to love others as You do, and to see them for the people they can and will become, as they submit to Your molding and guidance. Lord You of all people know me best, and You see how i struggle in keeping the faith i have in others sometimes. but show me things the way You view em Lord, and keep my heart connected to Yours i pray, that i never stop believing in goodness, beauty and miracles. thank You Lord for life. i love You! :)
Amen.
everyday is a miracle,
candice
p.s: i have no idea if the above post made any sense whatsoever. before i wrote this, i was blog-hopping and reading old posts etc., just trying to find some perspective. to remember.. me. and then i suddenly felt like i should write. and this.. is the result. haha, oh well i do feel better now, regardless of all the random thoughts spat out here. have a good day you! :) keep smiling and shining, and remember to live each moment as your last!
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