i want to know but i just don't know.

so.. manda, me , ben, gloria, charis, maka, florence, phebe and sam took our refugee kids out today! went for lunch at KFC and games back at church. it was so frustrating that i forgot to bring KFC vouchers my sister gave me! so silly of me, GAH! but they were so happy la, to see us and to have fun la. Esther, Nissi all were like Hi mummy!!! when i went with Phebe and Ben to pick em up from school. Super cute and pretty well behaved wan them.. I love em all to bits la!!! =) met a few other kids i never met before today like Lucy, Jeffrey, Christina and Esthersui (sorry dunno how to spell).. =D

i really love kids lor! and there are so many things i feel we forget as we grow older that we can relearn by watching kids. They're so carefree and hyper all the time. I think that's how we should be, even though we have a million worries on our heads sometimes. but just let go, and remember to live and enjoy every moment you know? =) and these kids got through so much, with coming to Malaysia and all.. they live in constant danger everyday. and yet, they still have so much to be thankful for, and it's amazing to see how easily they love others. and i'm really touched that even tho they make so many new friends, they're always.. hi mummy!!! where's mummy rachel? mummy kat? mummy manda? mummy pearly? and i'm like melting inside going AWWWW... and also, kids don't hold grudges wan lor. not the way we do anyways. like give sweets then they happy again. if only we did that to stop our fights over nothing or even wars.. cool huh?

anyways, i was talking to my aunt the other day, telling her about how i want to work in places that would really need doctors next time. and she suggested working with the UN. and i was like WHOA so cool! but a condition is you need to know at least three languages.. tough man, but i only finish in like eight years? i guess i might be able to pick up something then.. i've been trying to learn burmese but it is way tough.. okay la, so i know like a few phrases only know, but i still totally mix em up all the time. =P

lately i feel like i'm missing out on a lot because i wanna finish studying faster. like, cause i'm starting school in january, college i mean, i can't do cool internships or work for the experience. i would love to have volunteered at the refugee school but i can't cause of college. or take a year off to go with habitat for humanity, like how awesome would that be, but COLLEGE. sigh, what is God's plan for me?

and in church right, with conference and all, ppl have often come up to me saying, wah you so nice and wah, so ready to serve. and it doesn't feel right, hearing ppl say that. cause, i never saw what i do as serving? it's just, sometimes i have so much fun doing what i do, and definitely it's for God la, but it was never tough for me to want to help? i always imagined serving as being really tough, like work work work. but i guess i realized today, we should enjoy our work. and i don't know if i make sense, but yea. and still, i don't think i deserve recognition for doing things that come easily to me or are not in my control. but thanks anyways to the nice ppl who were nice. =)

and yesterday when i was searching through the UN and UNICEF employment details, i realized how self centered i can be sometimes. and it's so frustrating that there's so much to be done and still my blog is all about me. it's extremely annoying that i can't do anything now. textbook answer: i can do something now. okay yea i can, but i just don't know what. i really want to do something but it seems like something is always getting in the way. GAH, it's just a frustrating time for me la now.. but really, what am i talking about here? everything's about me. and i really have to remember that life is so so so not about me only.

and i was reading this yesterday at www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com, it's a totally interesting blog. quite deep stuff and i was just reading through it yesterday. i read this:

You are not there. Somewhere in the future, suffering for something that hasn't happened yet. You are not there, in a place where all your worries manifest.

You are not there. Somewhere in the past, reliving your old mistakes and regrets. You are not there, in a place where memories ressurect.

You are here. Right here.

Like whoa, super cool lor. the author's amazing. Yea but reading the blog post it ended at here! not at super cool lor.

anyways, i wanna post up my list of awesome 2009 memories soon. till then, bye!